Don't know ....husband looking to hookup

[Moo97]

Hi there. This is my first time posting in a forum like this, but I really need some advice and have no one to talk to.

 

My husband and I have been married for about 12 years and together for at least 17. We have two children. Yesterday I noticed some unexplained charges on his credit cards, it was strange because we just paid all the cards off and there were $200+ charged to two of them. I was suspicious because I had previously seen an email by accident from adult friend finder which I dismissed at the time.

 

Well...I decided to check his email, which he had left signed in on my computer. In his trash folder there were multiple emails from adult friend finder. I went to the bottom one and clicked the one welcoming him. It took me straight to his account. I was shocked when I found his profile picture was his penis! I was heartbroken when I found messages between him and multiple people. Some of them were flirting, but I did find one where he was trying to hook up with someone from our town. He sent a pic of himself to them (it was a couple). They were trying to find a good day where they could all get together. He was planning to have sex with the wife while the husband watched. There were other concerning messages, but this one was the one I took most notice of.

 

I took pictures of the interactions with my phone and ......have done nothing yet. We are going on vacation next week and I don't want to ruin it for the children. But I am losing my mind!!! I don't know if he hooked up with these people, other people, used protection, or what!! I tried to get back on the site today, but he had signed out of his email.

 

This time last year I suspected he was having sex with an ex co-worker because of some texts I saw, but he convinced me j was crazy. I just don't know what to do. We don't have sex as often as he would like and he's always still flIrting with and complementing me. We have sex 2x a week (on a good week). We are best friends and now I feel like this could have been going on for years and I've been in denial.

 

Help? Advice? Encouragement?

Edited July 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[stillafool]

Welcome to LS and I'm sorry for what you are going through. If you don't confront your husband with what you have found it will ruin your vacation. Wouldn't it be better to confront now, hash it out and then go on vacation to heal the relationship. You say you two don't have sex as much as he would like; well why not? As you can see he is looking for extra sex elsewhere so this needs to be addressed ASAP.

[elaine567]

Welcome to LS and I'm sorry for what you are going through. If you don't confront your husband with what you have found it will ruin your vacation. Wouldn't it be better to confront now, hash it out and then go on vacation to heal the relationship.

 

Can this really be all hashed out before the vacation, in a week's time... I seriously doubt that.

[stillafool]

Can this really be all hashed out before the vacation, in a week's time... I seriously doubt that.

 

Yeah, you're probably right but I can't imagine going away with him with this hanging over my head. I would have to confront.

[Moo97]

You say you two don't have sex as much as he would like; well why not? As you can see he is looking for extra sex elsewhere so this needs to be addressed ASAP.

 

Between kids and both of us working full time on different schedules, I guess we just don't have much alone time. I'm not going to pretend like sex hasn't lost some it's zest for me over the years, because it has. I probably do need to try harder, but I just don't see myself doing that now knowing the lengths he's going to to get laid. I just didn't think it was that bad.

[GorillaTheater]

Between kids and both of us working full time on different schedules, I guess we just don't have much alone time. I'm not going to pretend like sex hasn't lost some it's zest for me over the years, because it has. I probably do need to try harder, but I just don't see myself doing that now knowing the lengths he's going to to get laid. I just didn't think it was that bad.

 

 

Please don't even attempt to own any responsibility for your husband's behavior. He had a lot of other options besides cheating on you and his family. I understand the need to try to come up with any kind of rational explanation for his crappy choices, but that's just it: they were entirely his choices, and he chose poorly.

[VeveCakes]

You need to get std tested ASAP.

 

I couldn't live with this personally, I would confront him right away with the proof. Or if you need more proof follow him when he goes to this couples house and then confront him when he's inside.

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are going on vacation next week and I don't want to ruin it for the children.

 

I think you're going to find, given the challenges you're facing, the vacation is a fairly small consideration. Were it me, I'd cancel it and find some fun local activities for the kids to do while you work through the issues involved.

 

Be prepared to be told "you're crazy", "nothing happened", "he was just curious", etc. If you're not familiar with the term "gaslighting", look it up, it's what cheaters do. It sounds like your H has had one or more affairs - plan accordingly. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

Please don't even attempt to own any responsibility for your husband's behavior. He had a lot of other options besides cheating on you and his family. I understand the need to try to come up with any kind of rational explanation for his crappy choices, but that's just it: they were entirely his choices, and he chose poorly.

 

This. Your sex or lack of sex has no bearing on his ability to tell you BEFORE he goes out looking that he is unhappy. Therefore, do NOT for a second start blaming yourself that it's that "bad" - this behaviour is about HIM and not about YOU.

 

My WH stepped out on me without telling me he was unhappy. I sensed that we had some serious issues but I never imagined he would feel like the best option was to have an A. I think where I find your situation much more disconcerting is that my husband's A was opportunistic - he wasn't looking for a hook up. Your husband IS, and that means you've got bigger fish to fry.

 

Frankly, I think your vacation is ruined regardless of whether you out him or not before you go - it will be looming over your head and affect your mood anyways. I hate to say it, but I think you may as well lay it out on the table for him now. He has already gaslighted you about previous encounters - you were obviously NOT crazy to be suspicious of his behaviour - so I brace yourself for denial, lies, and all kinds of insanity. Hopefully, his response will be damn I'm caught lets' work this out, but just in case, here is me, sending you some extra strength. D-Day sucks.

[CarrieT]

This time last year I suspected he was having sex with an ex co-worker because of some texts I saw, but he convinced me j was crazy.

This is known as gas lighting. Google it. You weren't crazy and he may have done exactly what you feared - and more.

 

I found messages between him and multiple people. Some of them were flirting, but I did find one where he was trying to hook up with someone from our town. He sent a pic of himself to them (it was a couple). They were trying to find a good day where they could all get together. He was planning to have sex with the wife while the husband watched. There were other concerning messages, but this one was the one I took most notice of.

Print them all out so you can confront him with the evidence. He can't gaslight you with hard evidence. You aren't crazy. He is cheating - or intended to (if he hasn't already).

 

What others have said: You need to get checked for STDs immediately.

 

And then get into counseling - individual and marital.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but understand you do not have to make immediate decisions about your future. You may or may not want to continue in the marriage based on how he deals with what is known as "D-Day" - the day you confront him about the infidelity.

 

And know that many of us here have gone through it and understand how hard it is, but there is healing on the other side. Some marriages have survived the infidelity and some have not. Many will chime in on how to deal with it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Please don't even attempt to own any responsibility for your husband's behavior. He had a lot of other options besides cheating on you and his family. I understand the need to try to come up with any kind of rational explanation for his crappy choices, but that's just it: they were entirely his choices, and he chose poorly.

 

THIS!!

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP. I can't even imagine what that must feel like.

 

I agree with GT that, although we all could look at our relationships and see where we could have done better and still do better, it takes TWO people to make it or break it. You alone can not take full on responsibility for the ways things go and especially for the sh*tty choices your husband is making. Do NOT let that get to you!

 

UGH! I'm so f*cking tired of hearing about men (and women) who have the audacity to be so two-faced, reckless and so damn disrespectful. What is wrong with people??? And what ever happened to talking things out???

 

For me, this would be HUGE deal breaker. There is no coming back from this in my world no matter what he may say or promise. EVER!

 

I'd cancel that vacation. Set the kids up with some local activities and even ask family step in to help out if need be and I'd spend that time ripping him a new a**hole just before kicking his sorry a** to the curb along with all his sh*t.

 

The fact that you've already suspected such things before just proves how good your instincts are yet you failed to trust them and worse yet, just how devious and diabolical your husband really is. How on earth could you ever trust anything that comes out of that man's mouth again?!?!?!

 

You will need support more than ever now so don't be afraid to ask for it.

 

Keep us posted. Hugs to you

[elaine567]

I know you want to confront but you could just sit and watch, as I guess again he will try and convince you it was nothing and that he was merely playing out a fantasy and he had no intentions of doing anything and you would be silly to think he could do such a thing...

[flowergirl14]

He's a serial cheat and will be until he dies. There are some men and women out there that want new and different and shiny. Even if you ramped up sex to 5 or 6 days a week. He'd love that... but he still would want a threesome. You see that in his adult friend finder account. So then what, you start participating in his fantasies or you don't. I'm not saying you should, but what you do will not change who he is at the core. Even if you are unaware he is probably into some kinky stuff. Keep your eyes open because there is A Lot more going on than you know.

[ChickiePops]

I know you want to confront but you could just sit and watch, as I guess again he will try and convince you it was nothing and that he was merely playing out a fantasy and he had no intentions of doing anything and you would be silly to think he could do such a thing...

 

Normally I'd agree with you on this but in this case she already has a smoking gun, and it's possible that he has not actually followed through yet so if she calls him out now, it could prevent him from going through with it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The hidden membership to a hookup site and the correspondence between other members is in of itself wayward behaviour/s.

 

When confronting the issue/s...remember...you do not have to convince your husband of its inappropriateness....you only have to convince yourself (which you already have).

[BetrayedH]

I'd keep my damned mouth shut for a while. You must understand the cheater's handbook: lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. If confronted, he's going to downplay this and then you will NEVER KNOW. He'll say that he thought about it, never did it, and you're going to want to forgive it. But you'll NEVER KNOW if what he's said is true.

 

Shut up. Play stupid and compliant and go into investigative mode.

 

Even when you do know, you should still keep your mouth shut. Take your time to make a decision. Seek support from close friends. Keep reading and posting. Speak with an attorney to learn your options. He has been making the decisions about your marriage up to this point. Now it's your turn to make decisions. He's a liar and an adversary. Treat him as such.

[Lobe]

I'd keep my damned mouth shut for a while. You must understand the cheater's handbook: lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. If confronted, he's going to downplay this and then you will NEVER KNOW. He'll say that he thought about it, never did it, and you're going to want to forgive it. But you'll NEVER KNOW if what he's said is true.

 

Shut up. Play stupid and compliant and go into investigative mode.

 

Even when you do know, you should still keep your mouth shut. Take your time to make a decision. Seek support from close friends. Keep reading and posting. Speak with an attorney to learn your options. He has been making the decisions about your marriage up to this point. Now it's your turn to make decisions. He's a liar and an adversary. Treat him as such.

 

She saw his profile picture and it was his penis. She read the emails with the other couple. I don't think she needs to keep quiet and wait for more evidence. Unless the only dealbreaker for OP is if his penis has been in someone else's vagina, whether WH has had sex already or not is kind of irrelevant. For me, the intentional seeking of an AP is a whole other ball game than opportunistic affairs. I personally wouldn't wait for more evidence because at this point I think that'll be an STD.

[elaine567]

Normally I'd agree with you on this but in this case she already has a smoking gun, and it's possible that he has not actually followed through yet so if she calls him out now, it could prevent him from going through with it.

 

Yes, but if she alerts him by confronting him too early, he will then delete everything and she is then left with the worry of what did he really get up to. What is she really facing here?

She has young children, if she is going to think of reconciling then she needs to know more than just that he has a fantasy about a threesome or taking part in a cuckold fetish.

He is most likely going to minimise for all his worth. She needs to go through all that stuff she found with a fine tooth comb in the clear light of day. There may be a lot more going on here than the obvious stuff she got so shocked about. She needs to do as much digging as she can before she confronts him again IMO.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'd keep my damned mouth shut for a while. You must understand the cheater's handbook: lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. If confronted, he's going to downplay this and then you will NEVER KNOW. He'll say that he thought about it, never did it, and you're going to want to forgive it. But you'll NEVER KNOW if what he's said is true.

 

Shut up. Play stupid and compliant and go into investigative mode.

 

Even when you do know, you should still keep your mouth shut. Take your time to make a decision. Seek support from close friends. Keep reading and posting. Speak with an attorney to learn your options. He has been making the decisions about your marriage up to this point. Now it's your turn to make decisions. He's a liar and an adversary. Treat him as such.

 

 

What the OP has already discovered is damaging.

 

If the OP wants to know more....a keylogger is a good tool. A voice recorder in the vehicle would also be helpful.

 

Very good advice on approaching this as adversaries...it is sad to think of ones spouse being that....but...it is best to have that mindset going in.

[elaine567]

Very good advice on approaching this as adversaries...it is sad to think of ones spouse being that....but...it is best to have that mindset going in.

Agreed, too many BSs seem to think early doors that their "best friend" WS is on their side, that somehow they will solve "the crime" together, but they seem to forget that solving "the crime" necessarily implicates the WS and that the WS is in fact "the enemy" and is usually in no mood to solve "the crime", unless forced to do so.

In fact many WSs will go out of their way to make sure "the crime" is never really solved.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm not into the games. It makes you no better that him. It's too much pointless work.

 

Anyway, you've got what you need. Print three copies: one for you, one for him, one for a lawyer. Vacation is pretty much a wash at this point, so I'd confront him, find out what my risks are for STDs, and start figuring out what I want.

 

When you know what you want, then you can fill him in.

[BetrayedH]

She saw his profile picture and it was his penis. She read the emails with the other couple. I don't think she needs to keep quiet and wait for more evidence. Unless the only dealbreaker for OP is if his penis has been in someone else's vagina, whether WH has had sex already or not is kind of irrelevant. For me, the intentional seeking of an AP is a whole other ball game than opportunistic affairs. I personally wouldn't wait for more evidence because at this point I think that'll be an STD.

 

Most BSs have no idea what their true dealbreakers are.

 

My vote is that she gets to the truth and then she can take all the time she wants to decide if it's a dealbreaker for her.

[AlwaysGrowing]

LH,

 

I would not call information gathering "a game".

 

When one realizes that the very person who they have given the key to their most vulnerable parts of themselves (emotional, physical, financial..etc) has been deceptive...it is prudent to circle the wagons around themselves first and solely.

 

For some, the emails would be enough to head off to the lawyers office. Others need a broader picture. It is for the individual to decide.

 

I would not view information gathering as being on the same level as the person whose actions have been deceptive through either out right lying or lies of omission. Going directly to a deceptive person rarely yields anything other than what they want you to know...not what you want to know....hence the whole point of the deception in the first place.

[Lady Hamilton]

LH,

 

I would not call information gathering "a game".

 

When one realizes that the very person who they have given the key to their most vulnerable parts of themselves (emotional, physical, financial..etc) has been deceptive...it is prudent to circle the wagons around themselves first and solely.

 

For some, the emails would be enough to head off to the lawyers office. Others need a broader picture. It is for the individual to decide.

 

I would not view information gathering as being on the same level as the person whose actions have been deceptive through either out right lying or lies of omission. Going directly to a deceptive person rarely yields anything other than what they want you to know...not what you want to know....hence the whole point of the deception in the first place.

 

Lying to somebody in an attempt to get information to use against them is game playing. Keeping quiet, "playing dumb," pretending everything is great, while secretly ferreting information to get what you want out of them... It's game playing. It's lying. It's trying to out sneak a sneak.

 

And playing that game with somebody who's been doing the same thing for longer? They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

 

She has all the information she needs if she wants to confront him. There is nothing to gain by acting like everything is everything, and confronting somebody about their honesty when you've been less-than-honest yourself is just feeding them ammunition to point fingers at you.

 

The "sit tight and dig and get more" prolongs the inevitable, fuels her hurt, and starts a chain of paranoia and spying that, should she want to reconcile, would only become a barrier. The insatiable need to get more, prove more, find more has ruined as many R's as the affair since whatever is found is inevitably never enough and the paranoia of the BS drives them to think "there must be more."

 

The car is crashed. She sees the wreck. She sees he's in the car. Not dealing with it because she wants to know if he got the keys he used to drive it from the pockets of yesterday's pants or from the key ring by the door is pointless. Call the wrecker, call the ambulance, and deal with it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Most BSs have no idea what their true dealbreakers are.

 

My vote is that she gets to the truth and then she can take all the time she wants to decide if it's a dealbreaker for her.

 

Umm...this isn't just about her spidey senses tingling, she WITNESSED HIS AFF PROFILE and email exchanges and naughty pics and his plans...on and on...

 

What more proof does she need to collect before she confronts and kicks his a** out?? Catch an STD?

 

Give me a break.