Husband had an affair... Separated

[Married1988]

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21. We had been together for 31 years and married 28. We have two daughters 27 and 22.

 

I thought we had a strong marriage. We survived through many things. My oldest daughter had a six-year drug addiction from age fourteen to twenty when she finally accepted help. We survived my breast cancer diagnoses in 2010. And we even survived four miscarriages. I believed since we got through all of that, we'd were inseparable.

 

He had been the main breadwinner in our family. I had only went back to school to be LPN in 1998 and retired when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. I had taken on a part time job as a caregiver for an elder couple and doing a lot of community volunteering.

 

My life came crashing down on July 3rd 2016. I expected nothing was wrong and would have never none any better if my husband hadn't left his email open. My laptop was in the shop so I borrowed his. I came across over one hundred emails between him and another woman in a two month period. I did a bit of snooping and found out he had been having an emotional and physical affair with a 29-year-old waitress. I looked over our bank statements and he had spent big sums of money at restaurants which I did not know about

 

I confronted him where he admitted he had met her at a bar. He said he flirted with her but never saw her again for a few more weeks. He saw her again when she was working at a restaurant. Him and a coworker went there for lunch, and he said they talked a bit. He never expected anything to come of it but he liked the attention. He admitted he frequent there a few times, when according to him, she wrote her number on a receipt.

 

He said they texted for a few weeks when he switched to emailing because he didn't want to get caught. He said they emailed for at least a month or two before they met for sex. He said the sexual affair only last a month, and they met probably four or five times. He admitted he probably would have kept doing it if I didn't catch him.

 

I asked him if he had feelings for her. He said he didn't, and it was strictly sexual and a boost to his ego. I kicked him out that night. He has been staying with his brother. He said he had ended contact with her and wants to work on our marriage. I'm not sure what the hell I want. I'm shattered and don't know if I can ever look at him again. On one token, I've been with this man for all my adult life, we have two kids, and we had a beautiful life together. I don't understand where things went wrong and why he would do this.

 

I'm shattered.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Married1988

[CarrieT]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Many here have experienced the same thing and know what it feels like.

 

Please don't feel like you need to make an immediately decision. You can take all the time you want to hurt and feel and be angry.

 

Consider counseling - both individual for both of you as well as marital counseling. It will help get out all the things you are thinking and want to know.

 

Post here often and read our boards. Many others are going through the same thing right now so you know you are not alone.

[tinkerbell16]

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21. We had been together for 31 years and married 28. We have two daughters 27 and 22.

 

I thought we had a strong marriage. We survived through many things. My oldest daughter had a six-year drug addiction from age fourteen to twenty when she finally accepted help. We survived my breast cancer diagnoses in 2010. And we even survived four miscarriages. I believed since we got through all of that, we'd were inseparable.

 

He had been the main breadwinner in our family. I had only went back to school to be LPN in 1998 and retired when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. I had taken on a part time job as a caregiver for an elder couple and doing a lot of community volunteering.

 

My life came crashing down on July 3rd 2016. I expected nothing was wrong and would have never none any better if my husband hadn't left his email open. My laptop was in the shop so I borrowed his. I came across over one hundred emails between him and another woman in a two month period. I did a bit of snooping and found out he had been having an emotional and physical affair with a 29-year-old waitress. I looked over our bank statements and he had spent big sums of money at restaurants which I did not know about

 

I confronted him where he admitted he had met her at a bar. He said he flirted with her but never saw her again for a few more weeks. He saw her again when she was working at a restaurant. Him and a coworker went there for lunch, and he said they talked a bit. He never expected anything to come of it but he liked the attention. He admitted he frequent there a few times, when according to him, she wrote her number on a receipt.

 

He said they texted for a few weeks when he switched to emailing because he didn't want to get caught. He said they emailed for at least a month or two before they met for sex. He said the sexual affair only last a month, and they met probably four or five times. He admitted he probably would have kept doing it if I didn't catch him.

 

I asked him if he had feelings for her. He said he didn't, and it was strictly sexual and a boost to his ego. I kicked him out that night. He has been staying with his brother. He said he had ended contact with her and wants to work on our marriage. I'm not sure what the hell I want. I'm shattered and don't know if I can ever look at him again. On one token, I've been with this man for all my adult life, we have two kids, and we had a beautiful life together. I don't understand where things went wrong and why he would do this.

 

I'm shattered.

 

Our stories are very similar, met my ex as teenagers, first loves, fell madly in love, married, together almost 30 years, two beautiful kids now adults, seemingly perfect family... he changes overnight and he turned hateful and self destructed our marriage. I filed for divorce. I had no choice... the husband I knew and loved was gone.

 

It has been almost two years now since the divorce.

 

Like Carrie said... take your time to decide on what to do. Get counseling if he will go. when you divorce after so many years together you lose much more than your spouse...it changes the dynamics of your family, his family, your friends, your kids.

 

It has a ripple effect and not a good one at that.

 

I hope you find the strength to help you through this betrayal and to understand these occurrences are not usually about the betrayed spouse.

 

Leave no stone unturned before making your decision so you don't look back with regret later.

[Lobe]

Don't make any major decisions right now, but DO get a separation agreement written up and notarized - the last thing you need is to lose your financial security since your WH has demonstrated he has no compunction about using marital money away from the household.

 

Counselling for you will help you determine what to do next. Reconciliation, separation, divorce, open marriage, revenge affair... these are all things that have or will cross your mind and talking it through with someone who isn't biased will bring you some clarity and hopefully help you figure out what you really want.

 

Whether YOU want to reconcile or not, I think you deserve a husband who understands exactly how devastating his betrayal was. This book is a short but accurate read - I encourage you both to read it - you can order a copy or access it free online here lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

I'm a BS and my husband's affair was the result of an opportunity that presented itself. He didn't expect or go looking for an affair, but when lunch truck lady showed up he made a series of incredibly stupid, selfish, short-sighted decisions that we are still recovering from 19 months later. Whatever you decide to do, you will find lots of experience here to draw from. A reluctant and sad welcome to LS.

[heartwhole]

I'm so sorry your world has been turned upside down. I discovered my husband's affair about 15 months ago, and it has been the most shattering experience of my life as well. My dad's sudden death and developing a life-altering illness do not compare to the trauma of discovering your life partner is wiling to betray you and make terrible, destructive, selfish choices that can never be undone.

 

Best of luck to you as you navigate everything. I hope Loveshack can be a supportive sounding board for you.

[Married1988]

He's been begging for another chance. He is coming this weekend to stay because our youngest is coming home for the rest of summer. She doesn't know. My oldest daughter knows are seperated but not why.

 

I'm not going to make any major decisions but right now I find it difficult to be around him. I lost all respect for him.

[flowergirl14]

When someone has an affair it is essentially like dropping a bomb on it. You never forget. Not 20 years from now will you forget. The sadness fades but is often times replaced by anger. Some people work through it and others dont. For some its one and done. You seem like you are strong for having kicked him out. Many people arent even strong enough to do that. Make sure he has consequences for his actions no matter what you do.

[Mr. Lucky]

He admitted he probably would have kept doing it if I didn't catch him.

 

There's "sorry" and "sorry I got caught", he seems to fall in the latter camp.

 

Tough road ahead and a whole new unfortunate vocabulary for you to learn - BS/WS, gaslighting, hysterical bonding, rugsweeping, trickle truth, etc.

 

Take your time, you're about to enter a tornado of conflicting emotions. Keep posting, lots of similar experience here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Married1988]

Mr. Lucky: When he said he admitted that he probably wouldn't have stop, that was probably the thing that has hurted me the most. At the same time I feel a little better because at least he was honest.

 

I have also done a lot of reading up on infidelity. Before I confronted him I learned about the 180. So when I confronted him I was about 90% he'd be moving out or I would have talked to a lawyer to have him out. I was pissed and I have never been so angry, hurt, sad in my entire life.

 

I'm scared for next week for when my daughter comes home for the rest of the summer before she starts school again. My older daughter is suspicious and doesn't believe that we just reached a tough spot in our relationship. She believes something bigger happened. I know that we can't keep the truth from either of them forever. I'm struggling on what I should do.\

[dichotomy]

As a betrayed husband (PA in marriage 1, EA in marriage 2) and also a cancer survivor, my heart goes out to you.

 

You mention this

" I came across over one hundred emails between him and another woman in a two month period."

 

You then have a large amount of information then from which to ascertain your husbands feelings, emotions, intent and actions. However I also learned that whats said in emails is often a bunch of romantic teenage B.S. and play acting. You have to read them with a special lens.

 

31 years and all you have been through as husband and wife - and then this happens. Your choice and your decision whether to stay, but for those of us that have stayed, its usually a different marriage and new view of our spouse. Many of us mourn what was, or what we thought it was.

 

Focus on you, your physical and emotional health, and your needs.

Edited July 22, 2016 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

I'm scared for next week for when my daughter comes home for the rest of the summer before she starts school again. My older daughter is suspicious and doesn't believe that we just reached a tough spot in our relationship. She believes something bigger happened. I know that we can't keep the truth from either of them forever. I'm struggling on what I should do.\

 

If your daughter is suspicious then you have to tell her the truth, otherwise she will not trust you and your relationship with her will deteriorate, as she knows something is up.

Both daughters are adults, so you have to treat them as adults.

[Lois_Griffin]

Married1988, the simple truth is that he gave into temptation. The opportunity fell into his lap and he ran with it.

 

Sure, you can throw him into 'therapy' so some quack can make up all kinds of psycho-babble excuses for what he did - how his mother neglected him and his father drank too much or how some incident back in 2003 was the catalyst for crossing the line today, but the truth is, he gave into temptation because some men just want sexual variety and he was thinking with his little head. And when the opportunity is there for the taking, some will take it.

 

Many years ago my ex-h was part of a volunteer organization comprised of mostly men so hanging out with them a lot over the years really opened my eyes. You'd often hear them complaining about how they wanted to screw around with the good looking woman who worked at the QuickMart or the pretty one down at the pizza parlor, and how they'd never get away with it because their wives would catch them or suspect what they were up to, and blah blah blah. So many of them sounded like petulant children who were being deprived of fun with other women by their warden wives. Then the wives would show up and they'd be all sweetness and light, of course.

 

My point is that this isn't something your husband 'did' to you because you weren't a loving, loyal wife. It's not something he 'did' to you because of all the things you've weathered together in your marriage all these years. It was never his intention to 'do' this to YOU. It was about him and giving into temptation, plain and simple.

 

Yes, that makes him extremely selfish. And some shrink will be more than happy to give you some ridiculous nonsense reason for something that amounted to nothing more than selfish lust on your husband's part, but that's really the crux of the whole thing.

[elaine567]

And some shrink will be more than happy to give you some ridiculous nonsense reason for something that amounted to nothing more than selfish lust on your husband's part, but that's really the crux of the whole thing.

 

I agree, therapy for "lust", has always to me sounded a bit odd.

[merrmeade]

I agree, therapy for "lust", has always to me sounded a bit odd.

Yep, and I think the ones who didn't/wouldn't do IC "for it" - like my husband - would be the first to agree with you. He never really got into any of that. It was always what it was: that he had/has (as in once an alcoholic; always an alcoholic) this problem and doesn't blame anyone else but maybe his promiscuous youth/self, which comes back to the same thing - lust, libido, horny gonads with a good dousing of self-aggrandizement. And, oh, he's not at all blasé about it. Not at all. Calls it a curse. But oh well.

[merrmeade]

But so what. Big deal. Whether they own up to it. Whether they get therapy. Whether they slink around in shame cringing at what they did. None of that changes the simple fact of just how into themselves they were to be able to give into it.. They just want it when they want it and the DON"T want to think about getting found out. They don't anticipate getting found out and having to face who they are to themselves.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Mr. Lucky: When he said he admitted that he probably wouldn't have stop, that was probably the thing that has hurted me the most. At the same time I feel a little better because at least he was honest.

 

I have also done a lot of reading up on infidelity. Before I confronted him I learned about the 180. So when I confronted him I was about 90% he'd be moving out or I would have talked to a lawyer to have him out. I was pissed and I have never been so angry, hurt, sad in my entire life.

 

I'm scared for next week for when my daughter comes home for the rest of the summer before she starts school again. My older daughter is suspicious and doesn't believe that we just reached a tough spot in our relationship. She believes something bigger happened. I know that we can't keep the truth from either of them forever. I'm struggling on what I should do.\

 

I'm so sorry that you've been forced to join a club nobody wants to be a member of married...

 

There are many of us here who have been in long marriages who have suffered as you are now. Some still trying to find their way.

 

There is a wealth of sage advice here, and coupled with comforting reassurance that you are not alone LS can truly be a sanctuary while you live your own personal hell.

 

Take what suits you and leave what irritates you.

 

Regarding your daughters, I would be inclined to agree with elaine, that your girls are not silly, and they will know something is very wrong as you've already alluded to.

 

Treat them with gentleness while you tell them the truth and they will respect your honesty even while they may be devastated to hear it.

 

I have four grown children. The youngest was just 14 and still at home when I discovered my husband's near 4 year affair. The other three all living their own lives but close by. They were all horrified when they asked me what was (and very obviously despite my best efforts) wrong.

 

I told them, very simply, that their Father had been having an affair with another woman for four years, answered their questions as far as I could, and suggested they discuss anything I could not answer with their Dad.

 

As excruciating as it was, we ALL worked through that awful time in our individual ways, and as a family.

 

My husband and I had been together for 23 years at that time. I, like you, lost all respect for him as a man. However, throwing away those years wasn't something I was convinced was necessarily going to make it all right.

 

I needed time to decide what I wanted in the future. So do you.

 

It's the most excruciatingly painful experience I have ever known, but we are still together today, many moons later, living a different life together in relative harmony and happiness.

 

Recovery is a hard road, and reconciliation takes monumental effort. This is YOUR life. Now the choices are yours. Not your husbands. If he wants to travel with you, he's going to have to grow some very big balls and show you he's worth keeping.

 

Posting here will help to keep you sane when the house is quiet but your mind isn't. There are many of us 'of a certain age' to keep you company on your journey and to lean on.

 

I wish you, most sincerely, peaceful moments wherever you can find them.

[merrmeade]

Mr. Lucky: When he said he admitted that he probably wouldn't have stop, that was probably the thing that has hurted me the most. At the same time I feel a little better because at least he was honest.

 

I have also done a lot of reading up on infidelity. Before I confronted him I learned about the 180. So when I confronted him I was about 90% he'd be moving out or I would have talked to a lawyer to have him out. I was pissed and I have never been so angry, hurt, sad in my entire life.

 

I'm scared for next week for when my daughter comes home for the rest of the summer before she starts school again. My older daughter is suspicious and doesn't believe that we just reached a tough spot in our relationship. She believes something bigger happened. I know that we can't keep the truth from either of them forever. I'm struggling on what I should do.\

And why, pray tell, are you working so hard to keep it from them? YOU will not be okay with going along with this later, I promise you. If you hide it from everyone (sweep it under the rug), it is for his sake, not yours and not even the family's. You will regret it one day because the only sorry witness of your degradation is the one who dumped on you.

 

Besides, it's for your daughters' sakes as well because, believe me, they already suspect something. It will be a relief to know the truth and they deserve to know the truth and sort out their own takeaways o

[standtall]

If your daughter is suspicious then you have to tell her the truth, otherwise she will not trust you and your relationship with her will deteriorate, as she knows something is up.

Both daughters are adults, so you have to treat them as adults.

 

Aint the daughters business. It's up to the OP whether or not she tells them...as you said they are adults. If they ask she should not lie, but she can say NYOB or nothing without damaging their relationship.

[not-so-sure]

And why, pray tell, are you working so hard to keep it from them? YOU will not be okay with going along with this later, I promise you. If you hide it from everyone (sweep it under the rug), it is for his sake, not yours and not even the family's. You will regret it one day because the only sorry witness of your degradation is the one who dumped on you.

 

Besides, it's for your daughters' sakes as well because, believe me, they already suspect something. It will be a relief to know the truth and they deserve to know the truth and sort out their own takeaways o

 

I disagree. Full disclosure sounds like a really laudable thing but I can tell you in my case that in telling my own kids we would have been perpetuating the same behaviours which resulted in the loss of my father's marriage and very nearly my own. One big driver of the relationship me and my wife have is bringing our children up in a safe and loving environment. That is what we are doing. Despite everything that happened with my affair (and my continuing recovery) there is still love and affection between us to present a positive picture of relationships to our children.

[sandylee1]

One big driver of the relationship me and my wife have is bringing our children up in a safe and loving environment. That is what we are doing. Despite everything that happened with my affair (and my continuing recovery) there is still love and affection between us to present a positive picture of relationships to our children.

 

A safe and loving upbringing does not match with having an affair unfortunately. Betraying your wife jeopardises your children being in one safe and loving home.

 

An affair affects the whole family. They all get affected in one way or another because of the infidelity. They will know that for him to move out it's a very serious problem. It's likely to be the first thing they guess anyway.

 

It's a personal decision as to whether to tell them or not, but I'd likely only tell my children about it if I had decided to divorce.

 

I'd feel like there was no consequence for the cheating otherwise and I would not like to set the example that it's acceptable ..... especially for my DDs or even for my DS, I'd want them all to know that cheating leads to a marital breakdown so they don't put up with it because mum did.

[Married1988]

I know the affair will come out eventually but I guess I just don't want to complicate or rock the boat right now. My youngest daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend and was planning on coming here to have a clear mind before school. To come home to your parents "not together." or separated wouldn't make her feel very safe. As for my older daughter, if she knows the real reason I don't want my younger daughter to find out from her.

[standtall]

Safe and loving home for 22 and 28 yr old daughters? They are grown women not 10 yr olds. They should be out of the house except for short stints. NYOB would be my answer...

 

 

I know BS's want to shame the wayward ones in front of everyone...this does not include offspring...of any age. IMHO, it's a sad attempt to get them to take sides. The guy is still their father..he didn't do anything to them, why try to spoil their relationship with him? Just because you're mad and you're gonna get even? Tell them your getting divorced and no other explanation is needed....particularly for minors.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you hide it from everyone (sweep it under the rug), it is for his sake, not yours and not even the family's. You will regret it one day because the only sorry witness of your degradation is the one who dumped on you.

 

Respectfully disagree, do you really want your kids to be a "sorry witness of your degradation"? By keeping the specific details private, you're protecting your children, not your WS. No matter what happened between us, my ex-wife was always going to be our son's Mom. I wasn't going to unnecessarily complicate that relationship by off-loading my burden on to him. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Married1988]

standtall: I don't know if your comment was in general or towards me, but the last thing I want to do is to shame my husband. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry. I'm sure his brother knows what happened or some minimized version of the story because he had to ask to stay there.

 

I could go and tell all friends and family what he did but what would that accomplish? It make me feel bitter, them all mad at him, when the affair had nothing to do with them. The biggest consequence for my husband would be for him to lose me, and respect I had for him. Whether or not we survive this, one of the most important part of our relationship had been forever tarnished. He'll never be able to erase that he shared our marriage with another woman.

 

I remember one of the first things I had said shortly after I found out and confronted him. That it was disgusting he slept with someone so easily, and that we were together longer then this woman has been alive. She is only two years older then our own daughter. I think that has brought him more shame then anything. That he threw away his honor for such an easy lay.

Edited July 22, 2016 by Married1988

[Lobe]

Whether or not we survive this, one of the most important part of our relationship had been forever tarnished. He'll never be able to erase that he shared our marriage with another woman... he threw away his honor for such an easy lay.

 

I feel this to the very core of my being.

 

We also did not advertise my husband's infidelity. A handful of people knew (my closest friends I trusted to support and not judge me and his immediate family since like you he needed a couch to surf) but I didn't splash an announcement on FB or IG. That's my kids' father. He made a stupid, selfish, short-sighted decision that could have cost him his family - what purpose would it serve to shame him when the people who would have felt it the most would have been our kids?

 

Our children were in the house when all hell broke loose so they knew what was going on. I assume some of their friends know too, but no one has ever come up and said, "So, how are things since your husband fisted the lunch lady?" because well - only the good folks here on loveshack have that kind of information.