Broke up for good or is there a chance?

[Mikeisch1]

Such a long story i have trouble starting. We have been together since may 31 2004 have 3 kids under 7. First of all i cheated on gf which i deeply regret every minute of my life. Second some people forgive some dont and i know from experience cause i forgave 3x well 3 different people.

 

My cheating was with a shared friendship with another couple we hung out with. We exchanged texts sonetimes i would tell gf who ibwas texting. We met 6 times and kissed and never had sex. This was on for few months than stopped for longer periods. Went 16 months not talking to affair partner. I broke off affair to be threatened by i will hurt you if you hurt me. I did it and felt the rath. Gf and i got engaged and 4 weeks later our friends wanted to go she was beggibg my than fiance to go out and wtf my problem was why i didnt want to. My fiance threatened me that maybe we we are not good togetger if i didnt want to go out snd drink with them. So i gave in and we went out. The otherwonan fed me well all of us shots all night and i blacked out and dont rememver kissing her that night and my gf and her husband saw us ( they are still together pregnsnt with another chikd and all ) now i came forward eith the entire truth to be honest and hide anymore i love her so so so much. The otherwonan lied about what happrned and gets to go on with her life. I have done everything my gf wanted to make it better but she is a runner and we have not to this day "15 months later" sat and talked sbout what happened other than 10 minute tops conversations. We went to therapy snd than she didnt want to go cause stuff was going good and we didny need it anymore. She goes to bars everyweekend and i watch the kids. Last week her mom was so drunk we had to call an ambulance and at the same time she broke up with me and said if she wasnt drunk i wouldnt have done it and now she wants me to just walk away. After that day she broke up she refuses to say i love you or hug or anything i asked her so suddebly you stop thise things? She avoids conflict to no end and says she wont give me s real chance to mske amends.

 

Any advice ? We live togetger with her mom who just got divorced we have 3 kids all our belongins and finances are not seperate they are all joint, she wants to see other people and we still live together i fedl horrible for not being able to truly show her i was sorry i never got a chance. We cant not talk we have 3 kids she wants me out and admits she wouldnt have done it if her mom wasnt drunk? Do i wait it out or how do i deal with this?

[Lady Hamilton]

After that day she broke up she refuses to say i love you or hug or anything i asked her so suddebly you stop thise things? She avoids conflict to no end and says she wont give me s real chance to mske amends.

 

I hate to point out the obvious, but she's not saying "I love you" or being affectionate because she broke up with you. And so that's why she suddenly stopped.

 

And breaking up with you is not conflict avoidant... She's made clear in dumping you where she stands. She isn't happy with you and/or the relationship and wants out.

 

Any advice ? We live togetger with her mom who just got divorced we have 3 kids all our belongins and finances are not seperate they are all joint, she wants to see other people and we still live together i fedl horrible for not being able to truly show her i was sorry i never got a chance. We cant not talk we have 3 kids she wants me out and admits she wouldnt have done it if her mom wasnt drunk? Do i wait it out or how do i deal with this?

 

My advice is that you pack your belongings, move out of her mom's house, head to court to calculate what you're paying in child support, start paying immediately, and treat it as if she broke up with you. If, in 15 months, you haven't found the time to show her that your sorry (and put frowny faces after the revelation that your AP worked it out with her husband and is pregnant), it's not going to happen and your chances of getting through to her on it are about zero.

 

Time to take your marching orders seriously and leave. You've clearly long since missed the window to fix it.

 

PS... I don't believe you didn't have sex and I doubt she she does either.

Edited July 19, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Mikeisch1]

Why assume i would not have the kids the majority of the time and would have to be court ordered to pay support? We had agreed that neither one of us would leave the otger hanging with money stuff we would work it out as long as it takes so we are both comfortable financially alone if it ever ended. And today she wants to go back to counseling. She wamts to get a new place and move out with me. The one condition upon us moving in to help was her mom was she stop drinking and thst pished her to the edge and she overreacted toward me. So now although slightly awkward there is a little bit back to where it was prior to the blow up.

 

I guess im glad i didnt overreact and do anything stupid especially since when she has got mad in the past snd the anger past she had told me dont do anything stupid in the future if I get mad just work through it. I'm glad you didnt i was being a stupid b**** she said.

 

There is still the all mighty forward movement needed and thst is something that is difficult for her and she admits it. Also admits that if friends were voicing diff opinions she would be diff now and she swears just needs time. Idk now its just how do i re establish our relationship that she wants but wants more time. I have read other articles on undivided attemtiin and that is something thst lacks as we both work opposite shifts and i work every other weekend amd with unreliable sitter for kids is difficult for us to achieve.

[Lady Hamilton]

Why assume i would not have the kids the majority of the time and would have to be court ordered to pay support?

 

Because unless you have full primary custody, where she will pay you child support, you will be required by law to calculate your child support obligation. If you have joint or shared custody, child support will be ordered.

 

We had agreed that neither one of us would leave the otger hanging with money stuff we would work it out as long as it takes so we are both comfortable financially alone if it ever ended.

 

What one agrees to when things are good in a relationship has little to do with anything when the relationship ends. When it comes to the support that is owed to the children, it has nothing to do with anything. Legally, children are owed financial support and accommodations from both parents.

 

And today she wants to go back to counseling. She wamts to get a new place and move out with me. The one condition upon us moving in to help was her mom was she stop drinking and thst pished her to the edge and she overreacted toward me. So now although slightly awkward there is a little bit back to where it was prior to the blow up.

 

I guess im glad i didnt overreact and do anything stupid especially since when she has got mad in the past snd the anger past she had told me dont do anything stupid in the future if I get mad just work through it. I'm glad you didnt i was being a stupid b**** she said.

 

There is still the all mighty forward movement needed and thst is something that is difficult for her and she admits it. Also admits that if friends were voicing diff opinions she would be diff now and she swears just needs time. Idk now its just how do i re establish our relationship that she wants but wants more time. I have read other articles on undivided attemtiin and that is something thst lacks as we both work opposite shifts and i work every other weekend amd with unreliable sitter for kids is difficult for us to achieve.

 

I'm having a hard time following what you're saying, but since she wants to get back to counseling, but doesn't want to get back together and "needs time," but wants a new place with you... I wouldn't pin all my coins on this being any real resolution to anything, other than she has a new place you'll help finance to kick you out of when she no longer "needs time" to work out what she wants to do.

[Mikeisch1]

I am also having a hard time following my life right now lol. I am not sure if this stuff is normal for people who seem to be on the brink but yet want to stay together just looking for new spark, we are talking about moving to a new state, and yet talk about trying out other people. I think my brain overloaded lol the other day. I have cried everyday since i cheated but the other day something clicked in my head and i have not cried for 4 days and i have been in such a good mood and we have been doing nothing but exchanging dirty pick up lines, having lots of sex, having fun with our kids but yet no i love yous , we dont sleep in same bed, we dont say good night or good morning, part of me thinks it is the time we have been together this week vs the last year (we work opposite shifts) as she is off of work for next month. I have always asked her if we spend time together stuff will change just like when we wemt to disbey world for 2 weeks this spring ( i told her if she didnt feel different after spemding time together i would walk away no questions. We got back home i asked her want me to go my bag is still packed? She said no i love you it will work).

 

Although with all the weirdness yet good stuff this week i have a snakey suspicion there is a guy she is trying to see. Idk my daughter asked me where mom went the other night as i work 2nd shift i said idk for a walk?she said no she did her hair and make up and wore sandals not her running shoes. Lol and the night in question she also told me she was sleeping at 830 and said i probavly wont sleep good. Hmmmm than i got some texts at 1130. I asked her how her date was after my daighter mentioned this she said i was walking lol what happened to im sleeping? She was caught she is a horrible liar at least to me cause i can see right through her (sometimes i think i know her better than she knows herself) lol but whst ever it was couple days after she broke up with me.

 

Sorry im trying to not be all over the place just alot of stuff.

[Mikeisch1]

I had a affair during our 12 year relationship and we are now 14 months removed from her finding out. Now she wants me to go back after the ow get her to leave her current relationship for me than leave her hanging and ride off into the sunset with her. She says than she will be happy and put it behind us knowing i chose her and humilating the ow and we go back to normal. Anyone been through this? Looking for advice. I know its wrong and whatever but i want nothing more than to show her i love her and her only. i am so sorry for whst i have done.

[DKT3]

That is just evil.....i would never be comfortable with a woman like that raising my kids!!

[Lady2163]

I don't know you. I know you may feel (and so may your spouse) that you are an awful person because you cheated.

 

But to intentionally set the OW up like this...I mean that damage is unreal.

 

What if....

What if you succeed and lure the OW away from her current relationship? And then abandon her? And then, of all things, she kills herself? You are responsible. Your wife is responsible. The OW did the action, but you created the stage,

 

Now, that is the extreme. But YOU are plotting and planning to emotionally wreck someone.

 

That is way sick. That is sociopathic sick. I think you know that.

 

You need to get to couples counseling - fast. A counselor needs to hear this.

 

I mean, that's one step from being Betty Broderick. Google if you don't know her, it's a helluva story.

 

I don't know the history of the affair, but since you're still with your wife, I, assuming you love her. You probably didn't intentionally start out to have an affair and hurt her. But this intentional kind of emotional con game will have you crossing a line that I don't think you see.

 

What's next? Kicking a dog? Drowning kittens? Stealing from old ladies?

[Mikeisch1]

Yes it is evil. But no worries with kids. She is a great mom just like im a great dad snd we both have same beliefs with our children. We have very intelligent athletic children who are very healthy and well taken care of.

[ladydesigner]

She is hell of pissed off and yes it is wrong. Why not let her cool down first. It takes a long f**king time to process your spouse having an A.

 

Why not just let her know that is as cruel as the A you were having.

[Mikeisch1]

Lady 2163 i do still love her very much. It did not start out with me lolking i never looked elsewhere. It was her bf who took every thing she ever told her about me and picked a low point in our lives to use that info to make her move on me. Yes i am very guilty for what i have done. I have spent 14 months doing anything possible to make her feel better. Even though i try to explain to her i believe only her and i spending alone time together tgrough bad and good can help. I know her so well i have bedn able to almost predict every time what would happen even to a point where i can say she will be mad than few days later she will say sorry for being a b****. Etc

 

I did google that story and it is a hell of a story.

[Lady2163]

Lady 2163 i do still love her very much. It did not start out with me lolking i never looked elsewhere. It was her bf who took every thing she ever told her about me and picked a low point in our lives to use that info to make her move on me. Yes i am very guilty for what i have done. I have spent 14 months doing anything possible to make her feel better. Even though i try to explain to her i believe only her and i spending alone time together tgrough bad and good can help. I know her so well i have bedn able to almost predict every time what would happen even to a point where i can say she will be mad than few days later she will say sorry for being a b****. Etc

 

I did google that story and it is a hell of a story.

 

It's a horrifying read. Those three just tormented each other until Betty snapped. Dan and Linda didn't deserve to die, but that story and Lorena Bobbit are warnings of what can happen when somebody snaps. You can spend hours reading the things Dan did to Betty and just see her descent. And then Linda did some nasty things as well.

 

I'm an ex-OW. But, what you're plotting is something very similar as to what an ex-boyfriend and his new (and secret) girlfriend did to me. It didn't go exactly as they planned. I lived an hour away and was going to college (I was 30, did some military time) and working full time. I got the smoochy, lovey phone call one morning before school. I missed my first class talking to him. He kept having to mute the phone-so she could coach him. Inbetween classes, I called my boss and asked if I could leave work early that night. Then I drove the hour and knocked on his door.

 

They had this whole long seduction planned. It included getting some money out of me - he'd done it before when we were together. Only I showed up and she was there. Not knowing she was his "girlfriend" I politely asked her to leave as I had something important and personal to talk to 'John' about. Needless to say, she wasn't going to leave us alone and she shrieked at me for 10 minutes. Long enough that the cops were called. I was still slightly confused when they showed up. And right when they did, in front of the police, she came at me. They both insisted I was trespassing.

 

So, one cop takes me outside. Luckily he knew me. I filled him in on the story and bits and pieces of what she had shrieked. He conferred with the other cop, who asked to see the Ex's phone. When the cop confronted them, they confessed everything - they had lied up a storm about how I charged in screaming and threatening. Those two police officers told me everything that was said. I was so sick and sobbing, they took me over to a friend's house. The cop that knew me went back after his shift in regular clothes and brought my car.

 

That night when I got back home, there were flowers waiting. They had been delivered while I was at work, before I made the drive. The card was ridiculously sappy.

 

Like I said, they had a long con planned.

 

I'm far from perfect. While I've never cheated, I've been an OW. I've done things in my life I regret. They may have been classless, selfish, or even some white collar crime. But several years ago I realized something.

 

If I'm about to do something and I can't or won't tell my mother, my best friend or my adult (former) foster child about it, I probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

For that litmus test, I'd add in in-laws if I were you. 20 years from now, would you really want your son or daughter to know what you did?

[fenix]

if it looks like a .... and smells like a .... then it is a .....

[Lady2163]

Lady 2163 i do still love her very much. It did not start out with me lolking i never looked elsewhere. It was her bf who took every thing she ever told her about me and picked a low point in our lives to use that info to make her move on me. Yes i am very guilty for what i have done. I have spent 14 months doing anything possible to make her feel better. Even though i try to explain to her i believe only her and i spending alone time together tgrough bad and good can help. I know her so well i have bedn able to almost predict every time what would happen even to a point where i can say she will be mad than few days later she will say sorry for being a b****. Etc

 

I did google that story and it is a hell of a story.

 

I missed it the first time around that it was your wife's best friend. I thought it was your OWs boyfriend who fed her information, thought he was a friend of yours.

 

It's getting late for me.

 

That changes things a bit, your wife is in revenge mode. Maybe on some level the "punishment" may fit the "crime" but YOU as a principal player in the punishment have to be ready to accept the reaction that you are going to cause.

 

I got revenge on the ex boyfriend from my above story. A longer version is on loveshack, but I'm not sure how to link. I had him arrested for drunk driving and he resisted arrest. And it was a self opening piñata of other little details. And it did help me move on. It's sort of a long story, but it satisfied me.

 

While I'm not making excuses for the OW, ultimately, you are the one who said, "yes". I'm assuming she didn't duct tape you to the bed after cutting your clothes off at gunpoint. She was an awful friend to hit on you, but just because a purse with $10,000 is left on the bench next to you, doesn't mean you have to steal it. You had three choices when she approached you. Yes, No and No - plus tell your wife.

 

So, on one hand, while I understand your wife's desire for revenge. Your reasons to participate are a little less...justifiable. "I will do anything to prove to my wife I only want her" and "She got me at a low point"

 

The OW doesn't have you and she no longer has her best friend.

 

This idea just lowers you and your wife to an awful level of humanity.

[NTV]

When you're in a lot of emotional pain what you really want is for people to understand it. She probably doesn't really want to hurt this woman with this plan as much as have you and her see how she feels.

 

 

My vote is you don't ever talk to the OW ever again. Cut her off from your thoughts mentally and when your BS brings her up, let her know that your focus is BS, and if OW fell off the face of the earth you wouldn't notice or care.

[understand50]

Nothing, just nothing justifies deliberating hurting another to make your wife "feel" better. You were in the wrong, you need to step up and tell her, that hurting someone in that way is not right, and adding to the wrong of the situation will not help anyone.

 

The only honorable way forward, is divorce, or convincing your wife the you BOTH will live by your vows, going forward.

 

I really wish you luck....

[jen1447]

Doing this would be pretty sick and there's no way you can just 'try it on' and not have it define you. You'd forever after be a horrible manipulator and bscly an emotional rapist. Do you want to go thru the rest of your life being that person?

[Bufo]

Do this and you'll be her slave forever. She is asking you to do something out of character and against whatever morals you have. Doesn't she understand this isn't middle school? If she's determined to obtain revenge on BF/OW then let her do it herself. Rent her the movie Mean Girls for some how to do it tips.

 

Why this after 14 months? Can she explain what she expects to get out of the plot if you attempt and succeed in this fake seduction? What if OW doesn't fall for your faked charms? What then?

 

It's obvious to me that BW hasn't thought this through? What if you really fall for OW all over again? Or OW wants to test drive you before she decides?

 

Oh what a tangled web we weave......

[RecentChange]

Come on, what is a basic lesson we are taught as children?

 

Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

And how about another - living well is the best revenge.

 

Trying to bring a ridiculous amount of drama to your family, purposely wanting to manipulate and hurt someone, it's just, stupid, short sighted, and evil.

[OneLov]

I had a affair during our 12 year relationship and we are now 14 months removed from her finding out. Now she wants me to go back after the ow get her to leave her current relationship for me than leave her hanging and ride off into the sunset with her. She says than she will be happy and put it behind us knowing i chose her and humilating the ow and we go back to normal. Anyone been through this? Looking for advice. I know its wrong and whatever but i want nothing more than to show her i love her and her only. i am so sorry for whst i have done.

 

First, do you really believe you can waltz into this women's life and have her come to you on command?!?!

 

Second, Do you really think this is how you demonstrate love to another human being? This girl cheated on you THREE times prior with THREE difference guys?!?!?! This girl becomes inebriated and leaves you to watch the kids even if it means you must miss work. She reminds you constantly that she can kick you out of your in-laws in a flash if you do not act in accordance with her expectations.

 

And so, you now see fit to reward her by making yourself look like a fool? ....wait, actually this all makes perfect sense. Carry on.

 

But some advice, this doesn't demonstrate love. It only shows her you can sit, shake, roll-over, speak, etc., and she doesn't even have to reward you with a treat. I say this with all due respect, but even my dog would not tolerate that much less abuse.

 

Please leave this horribly abusive situation.

[Mikeisch1]

I am not saying that i am going to do it. Altgough part of me tginks she deserves some bad karma maybe even alot. I came conpletely clean, transparent and the fact the ow lied about it and goes on with life like nothing happened i think dont sit well. I broke the affair off 7 months prior to the finding out about affair. She had told me she was going to ruin my life. One night we were out and of course the ow woman and her husband had showed up since we are all from a small town and all grew up together. While my went to the bathroom right before she came back out the ow woman jumped on me with her pants part down saying it isnt over. Well i confessed everything the ow wanted me to leave with her and i didnt. The ow only confessed to that night to her husband. Saying it was drunk stupity.

 

Needless to say i know you probavly wont believe me but i did not ever have sex with the other woman. When i came into this it started out just as a talking friendship. As we all knew each other for over 20 years. And there was a point 15-20 years ago before our current relationships that me and the ow were quite good friends. Never dated, never anythibg sexual, just hung out. So it is wuite a long history between all of us. Pretty much efffed up. Sorry its hard to add in so many details into a posts wheb it feels like i could write a book.

[heartwhole]

I can understand why your girlfriend is fixated on the OW when there was a double betrayal here. But I wonder if part of the problem is that both you and your partner are viewing this as a result of evil manipulation on the part of the OW, and even though you say you take responsibility for your part, you're still blaming it on a weak time in your relationship and the OW's machinations. The OW does sound like an awful person, but sticking to this viewpoint means that you can place all the blame on the OW, allowing your partner to avoid dealing with your betrayal.

 

As for the revenge fantasy, obviously that is cruel and unconscionable. Being cheated on and betrayed is not an excuse to mistreat others. I suggest you gently redirect your partner's anger towards your complicity and that you offer other evidence of your willingness to do anything to make things work. If she feels like there's unfinished business with the OW, then one or both of you can write the OW a letter explaining just how terrible her actions were. You can assert how much you love your partner and how much you regret the affair. She can assert how terrible the betrayal was. But if the OW doesn't have a conscience and doesn't care that she hurt people she claimed to care about, then she's not worth a second more of your time. You must move on. Sometimes we suffer due to the flaws and bad choices of others; it's part of life. Vengeance rarely satisfies and often opens us up to more suffering.

[Lady2163]

I am not saying that i am going to do it. Altgough part of me tginks she deserves some bad karma maybe even alot. I came conpletely clean, transparent and the fact the ow lied about it and goes on with life like nothing happened i think dont sit well. I broke the affair off 7 months prior to the finding out about affair. She had told me she was going to ruin my life. One night we were out and of course the ow woman and her husband had showed up since we are all from a small town and all grew up together. While my went to the bathroom right before she came back out the ow woman jumped on me with her pants part down saying it isnt over. Well i confessed everything the ow wanted me to leave with her and i didnt. The ow only confessed to that night to her husband. Saying it was drunk stupity.

 

Needless to say i know you probavly wont believe me but i did not ever have sex with the other woman. When i came into this it started out just as a talking friendship. As we all knew each other for over 20 years. And there was a point 15-20 years ago before our current relationships that me and the ow were quite good friends. Never dated, never anythibg sexual, just hung out. So it is wuite a long history between all of us. Pretty much efffed up. Sorry its hard to add in so many details into a posts wheb it feels like i could write a book.

 

So. You've never had sex with this woman. Obviously, she wanted to. But you didn't actually have sex with her. What, then? An emotional affair?

 

Your "affair" ended 14 months ago and she hasn't ruined your life yet?

 

There's too much drama, too much dysfunction, too much low class behavior.

 

If this woman threatened to ruin your life....I would tip the f^*k away. You mess with her, you mess with her emotions and try to damage her and before you know it, you're arrested for rape. Even though you've never had sex.

 

If I say this is classless, it really doesn't carry much impact. But this scheme you and your wife are plotting is straight out of trailer park trash central.

 

Stop it. Jeff Foxworthy is going to show up to take notes pretty soon.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not saying that i am going to do it. Altgough part of me tginks she deserves some bad karma maybe even alot.

 

Really? More than you? So you weren't a willing participant in the whole thing?

 

Your wife's misguided thoughts may be at least partially shaped by your efforts to blame shift. Unless you were forced at gunpoint, no one made you do anything you didn't want to.

 

It did not start out with me lolking i never looked elsewhere. It was her bf who took every thing she ever told her about me and picked a low point in our lives to use that info to make her move on me.

 

Sure...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mikeisch1]

I am not pushing blame i went alomg with it and that is my fault. There is a reason for everything happening. I was not unhappy in the slightest with her. I however was very unhappy with what was going on around us.

 

Through counseling and talking through the entire situation with someone not involved they pointed out alot of aspects thst they recognized that did not help matters that neither of us even noticed. Everyone wants the why? How? And when it happens you look back and think and nothing just a empty bubble above your head and while your partner is asking you Was she prettier? No is she funnier? No is she a better mom ? No (you are also asking yourself these same questions in your head)and you start thinking to yourself wtf did i do and why. And im sure that is what everyone says and im sure some people have a answer right away, "i wasnt happy with my partnr" but that wasnt the case and it sucks.