Chefsteve Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I recently admitted to an affair, I told my wife it was only physical. She feels it was both physical and emotional but that I don't want to hurt her further by admiting to an emotional attachment. It just doesn't seem like a black and white issue to me. The OW wanted more than an occasional physical encounter but I made it clear to her that I had no intention of leaving my wife, not to say we weren't frienday with one another between the few times we were together. I just want to make sure I'm being completely honest and transparent so I don't cause any further damage and or ruin the possibility of reconciliation Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Only you (or your wife) can define that But in my view - if you showed up for sex only - a FB, and you did not share (via emails, calls, texts, in person) your expressions of love, how you missed them and thought of them often, details of your dreams, life, feelings, details of your marriage/wife, complaints about your wife/marriage, then maybe for you it was just sex. Why did you have the affair ? why did you stay in it - Perhaps this will help define what it was for you and for your wife. For some it does not matter - affair is affair - but each betrayed spouse is owed the truth of what the affair was - so they can decide for themselves whether they can accept it. It's a bit stereotypical to say this - but for many women it does come down more to emotions (when their husband cheats) and with men (who's wife cheated on them) its often the details of the sex. Give your wife the information she needs. Edited July 18, 2016 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 What exactly constitutes an emotional affair? If you didn't pay her for sex, the affair had a emotional component. You were with her because the act filled a need; same is true for her. There are many emotions and attachments other than matrimonial love... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Men can easily have sex without emotional attachment..the whole concept of friends with benefits is based around unemotional sex. Granted, in the FWB, usually one person wants more, but the other usually doesn't. Heck I spent an entire college year sleeping with a girl that I gave less than 2 cents about.....it's easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) I just want to make sure I'm being completely honest and transparent so I don't cause any further damage and or ruin the possibility of reconciliation Generally, I believe sex is filling an emotional hole, even if there is no emotional attachment. Sex with my husband is emotionally and physically satisfying, whereas sex with previous partners in a FWB sort of situation was purely for fun - I was lonely and wanted company, not a relationship. How did having sex with the other woman make you feel? Virile? Free? Young again? Potent? Important? Powerful? Dangerous? Wanted? Maybe that's the conversation you need to have with your wife because it might help identify what brand of selfish your motivation was. Other than confessing, what are you doing to make your BS feel loved, protected and safe? Are you remorseful? Have you read Linda MacDonald's book? Edited July 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Commercial advertising redacted 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Men can easily have sex without emotional attachment..the whole concept of friends with benefits is based around unemotional sex. Granted, in the FWB, usually one person wants more, but the other usually doesn't. Heck I spent an entire college year sleeping with a girl that I gave less than 2 cents about.....it's easy. Many women can be unemotionally attached too - it's not just men. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Men can easily have sex without emotional attachment..the whole concept of friends with benefits is based around unemotional sex. Granted, in the FWB, usually one person wants more, but the other usually doesn't. Heck I spent an entire college year sleeping with a girl that I gave less than 2 cents about.....it's easy. True. But if you did it while married then there is a bigger problem. Like lack of empthy for your spouse. One of my old fb / gf's I didn't know her last name until 3 years in. She had an accident so I went to the hospital to visit (I didn't hate her and I am human) and they asked for her last name so they could give me the room number at the front desk. I was so embarrassed I had no idea. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) Many women can be unemotionally attached too - it's not just men. Okay? I don't care. I speak for my gender and from my experience only. Edited July 18, 2016 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chefsteve Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 (edited) Other than confessing, what are you doing to make your BS feel loved, protected and safe? Are you remorseful? Have you read Linda MacDonald's book? I am reading anything I think might help although I have not read the book you referenced. I will check it out. I am making myself emotionaly available. I awnser all of her questions honestly and patiently. Alot of apologies, and thanking her for even considering trying to work things out. I have sought out counseling, I volunteered for a polygraph. Along with anything else she has requested. I am deeply remorseful. Any other suggestions would be great. I will do anything that would help her to heal regardless of whether or not she decides she can move forward with me. We have been together 19 years and have raised two children together, she has always been there for me. The very least I can do is try everything in my power to make things right even though I'm pretty sure it's an impossible task, I'll get as close as I can. Edited July 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 What happened, Chefsteve? What was the "perfect storm" for your affair to happen? Why did you confess? My WH was in love with his xOW so he was full on ea/pa but even if you were only pa, it filled an emotional void - what was the OW doing for your ego? I think it's great that you guys are in this forum together and hope that you can find your path together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chefsteve Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) What happened, Chefsteve? What was the "perfect storm" for your affair to happen? Why did you confess? I confessed because my wife confronted me with alot of indirect evedince and the look of devestation on her face. I was sick with guilt and knew I needed to avoid dragging things out any further. In hindsight my "perfect storm" built up for many years, I'll give you an abbreviated version, but will awnser questions if anyone would like further clarification on anything. Seven or eight years ago I became dependant on opiates. About 5 years ago I got clean, discovered I was an addict. I have been clean since. I destroyed her trust and slowly built her trust back, though I'm sure never completely. In that time I was oblivious of her needs especially the emotional ones. In turn she stopped meeting my physical needs. I had gained some weight after my recovery and began snoring very loud. I would spend occasional nights sleeping in my autistic daughters room, and she would sleep next to my wife. Due to my daughters severe anxiety it became increasingly difficult to get her to sleep back in her room. So it became the norm. I should also add that my wife's natural response when fighting early on in our marriage was to say the most hurtful things she could think of. ( no judgement here, I'm a colossal idot with no room to talk.) She swore she didn't mean it but she said she only married me because she was pregnant, and that she never loved me. I have been the sole provider for 99% of the 19 yrs we have been together. I had convinced myself that she quite possibly wouldn't even care. She would occasionally would have sex with me if I relentlessly asked or barterd with unpleasant tasks. But it was mechanical and I could tell she was totally uninterested. I convinced myself she was only sticking around for the security and the fear of dating agian after almost two decades. Come to find out through her original post on LS I was her best friend and her main confidant. Reading that was like a shotgun blast to the gut. I had know idea. I make no excuse for my actions, I relise I had other options and I chose to be a lying coward. I made my bed, now I'm just trying to lie in it like a man for a change. Edited July 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote and add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 (edited) This is why there are always 3 sides to a story, hers, yours and the truth. While cheating is not the answer, I must say a woman who tells a man she never loved him and only married him because she was pregnant, deserved to be divorced for that dirt also. Actions can cause severe damage, but so can words. I have always said there is no excuse for cheating, but if you behave in a certain way, you shouldnt be surprised when it happens. Edited July 26, 2016 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
Opossum Posted July 27, 2016 Share Posted July 27, 2016 Chefsteve is right I did say some teribble things to him in our marriage. This was during his addiction when he was controling and constantly gaslighting me. At first I did question my sanity because he would twist things so well that I thought maybe I was imagining things and going crazy. If I had evidence he would lie to my face. He would badger me with trying to convince me nothing was going on and we would get in heated arguments. I would try to walk away and he would block me or dismantle my car or hide my keys if he didnt want me leaving. I felt trapped and words were my only weapon. I learned that if I said something hateful enough he would leave me alone. I am in no way justifying what I did but at the time I felt helpless. He was the sole provider so I could focus on our daughter and her special needs. I enrolled into college at that point and got my AS degree so that if he didnt get serious about his recovery I could leave. But he did get through it with hard work and determination. We have talked about those fights and I have told him where I was coming from, feeling so helpless. After his recovery and couseling I slowly started to trust him again and things improved. I know the words still bother him because he has mentioned it through the years. I again am not justifying how I handled things during that time but I went through hell back then as well and I have recently realized I still have resentment towards him which led to me rejecting him. That along with him not meeting my emotional needs added to it. I know I have not been perfect in my marriage but never would I have handled my unhappiness the way he did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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