Joker0530 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) I forgot my phone home when my wife and I attended a concert the other day so she let me play with hers. I was snooping around and found a conversation with a man she had sex with 25 years ago before we were together that shocked me and turned my world upside down and inside out. This is someone that she told me earlier in our relationship that she never had a sexual encounter with but that he was a dog and had always flirted with her or anyone that might be interested. No contact over many years until fb reunited them and messenger made it easy to communicate. The messages were sexually explicit over a 2 year period with him trying to hook up with my wife. After I confronted her she confessed that she had plans to meet up with him and came close one time but backed out at last minute. It never happened but the feelings and the images going through my head are very hard to understand. I can't help feeling completely betrayed and hurt beyond and words can express. I love her with all my heart and have given her my heart and soul from the very beginning. Was everything perfect in our lives ... No... But what could I have done to deserve this and what do I do now?... I have forgiven her and want to get past this as quick as possible and try to make things better but I feel less then or inadequate for her and when I close my eyes I can't get the images I made up in my own mind.... She has told me she regrets what she did and is sorry but it can't be taken back. It doesn't seem sufficient enough to me to get past this for me so soon... Sex has never been a problem since my appetite hasn't slowed... Which makes it even harder to understand because she would be the one that would not be interested more often then not... This brings my whole manhood into question... Am I not good enough of a lover. I seemed to please her but maybe not... Idk?... So hurt, so confused. I love her and she loves me. I want to make her happy... She is my wife, my life, my soulmate... Never saw it coming... Betrayed... We need to move on ... I have no problem forgiving it's forgetting I'm having a real problem with... Is this something I can ever forget... I need help!! Edited July 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I think there is nothing wrong trying to fix the problem by looking within, there is always room for improvements in a relationship. But what if your spouse is looking to cheat on you? Questioning oneself is the first thing we do. First though, questioning the others' motives is more important before we make that effort. If I am not mistaken, you are the one that is faithful and content with your partner, she however is contemplating sleeping with another person. Questioning her motives is more important, and also more logical. What if you never found out? How long, if ever, would she have taken that step? Questions like this would trouble anyone in a serious monogamous relationship. Seek to be the best love, husband, and friend you can be, but don't forget the most important step; get those questions answered that keep you awake at night. This doesn't mean interrogating her, but rather contemplate them on your own, or with help of a trusted friend. Also, you have to accept that you will never forget. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Dollars to doughnuts they did hook up. A man does not keep texting a woman if nothing is happening. Your WW as all WW's only confess to what you can prove. She is hiding more info. Time for a polygraph test. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 What has your wife done to EARN your forgiveness and to make you feel safe with her. Until you can say that she has done everything you can think of, there should be no forgiveness. Also, what is she doing to ensure this never happens again? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 This is someone that she told me earlier in our relationship that she never had a sexual encounter with but that he was a dog and had always flirted with her or anyone that might be interested. No contact over many years until fb reunited them and messenger made it easy to communicate. The messages were sexually explicit over a 2 year period with him trying to hook up with my wife. !! Did you ask her why she called him a dog but has been texting back and forth with him for 2 years? Your wife is involved with him because she likes the bad boy in him but wouldn't want to be married to him. I wouldn't be surprised if they have already had sex. A guy doesn't beg for 2 years without getting something or he would have moved along. Afterall, you would have never found out about this if you hadn't looked at her phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Dude..I feel for you. Okay..here it is...odds are she has already been cheating on you multiple times..sorry. now...stfu...play snoop and get the smoking gun. Thanks Facebook..another wrecked marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I think the previous poster nailed it: 1. Your wife calls him a dog 2. She planned to meet him for sex 3. They sexually text back and forth for two years. 4. In the past they were lovers. Lets get serious. If you believe that they did not have sex within this time period then I have a bridge to sell you. I agree it is time for a polygraph. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) Comments below. It never happened You don't know that for sure. Unless you got access and monitored it all. I can't help feeling completely betrayed and hurt beyond and words can express. I understand - many of us here on loveshack do - I am so sorry. Was everything perfect in our lives ... No... But what could I have done to deserve this and what do I do now?... You did nothing. People are weak and hurt themselves and those they love. ITS HER FAULT! I have forgiven her No you haven't or you would not be here. I don't think I ever forgave my wife - or rather i maybe reached a point of acceptance or understanding of her weakness years later. and want to get past this as quick as possible Not going to happen - could take years. Your wife conducted an EA (and maybe PA at end) for TWO YEARS ! Your marriage will n ever be the same - mourn the loss of what was - its not coming back. Focus on a new you and an new marriage. and try to make things better Why do YOU need to make things better? Isn't that up to HER right now? but I feel less then or inadequate for her and I am going to say something harsh - and I am sorry. But the sex with her ex might have been better way back when.It might not be him exactly but a time/place/mood/who she was - that makes her mind want to relive sex with him.I went though something similar in my mind - and came to the conclusion that my wife was not the best I could ever had in the sack either. You basically get to a point where when you think your not good enough for her.... you kind of just shrug your shoulders and understand that you could find someone better too - or someone more compatible sexually. It takes away the feeling of self esteem to know that you could be (and may have been) someones "best lay" as well. Sex is complicated. when I close my eyes I can't get the images I made up in my own mind.... This is very common. Many of us have been there. 11 years later - I still have them occasionally. She has told me she regrets what she did and is sorry but it can't be taken back. Thats a cop out. But you may not get more from her. Try taking her to couples therapy. Two years of this bull$!ht requires some serious regret and repair on her end. It doesn't seem sufficient enough to me to get past this for me so soon... You are right. Absolutely right - stay with that position with her. This brings my whole manhood into question... Am I not good enough of a lover. I seemed to please her but maybe not... Idk?... So hurt, so confused. I love her and she loves me. I want to make her happy... See my comments about about sex - and being the best. She is my wife, my life, my soulmate.. No she is not. She would not have acted this way if she was your soulmate. Let go of that view. Mourn it - its gone. Cry be depressed over this death. Decide if you can have something different - maybe just a flawed marriage to a flawed wife that you can make work on some level that is acceptable to you. In stead of a soulmate maybe you can find she is an acceptable-mate. . Never saw it coming... Betrayed... We need to move on ... I have no problem forgiving it's forgetting I'm having a real problem with... Is this something I can ever forget... I need help! I do not believe forgiving is forgetting. That's a dangerous approach. Its like loosing a part of your body - arm, leg, etc. Its gone its not coming back - you will miss it all your life, be aware its gone, but you can build a new different life without that body part. Over time you will just get used to not having that "arm". You also need both couples therapy and individual therapy. Your wife needs to change, your marriage needs to change, and YOU need to change. Your going to have to be less idealistic, less romantic, and in some ways your going to need to be more selfish - and loving - towards YOURSELF instead of your wife. Lastly, after you get some therapy for yourself - you need to decide if you want to stay married to her. Picture very carefully (imagine) what kind of life might await you if you divorced. Then compare what staying would bring. Which option offers the best choice ? Take the feelings away from it all "but I love her! Ya well you could love many others too)- whats the best life choice and situation for you. Choose that. ! Edited July 13, 2016 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I have forgiven her and want to get past this as quick as possible This is the wrong approach. You need to make her earn your forgiveness. What has she done to warrant forgiveness? Is all she did was say she was sorry? I rear-ended a guy at a stop-sign once and told him I was sorry. "Sorry" doesn't fix the guy's bumper. The vehicle will have to be repaired, just like your marriage and trust in her will have to be repaired. In order for that to happen, she will need to cut all contact with this dirtbag and then attend lots of individual counseling to find out why she has such crap boundaries. Find out if this guy is married and, if he is, expose him to his spouse. Make your wife take a polygraph test. I agree with the others here, I bet she has already met with him and had sex. You should always assume you are being lied to. Never take what a cheating spouse tells you at face value. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 You don't need to feel in inadequate. If anything she does. She betrayed you rather then talking about a issues she may have had with you. If it's me and I have doubts, then I let her know that it's time for a polygraph test and she needs to take it. If she refuses or balks at the idea then in my opinion she's hiding something. Not good. Then your faced with either leaving it go and always have it on your mind and a serious lack of trust or you can let her know that either she takes the test or she's gone and even though you love her very much, sometimes you have to play hardball and in this case that's what I would do. Her actions and behavior are causing havoc in your life and it's up to her to remedy the situation and if she isn't willing and is just blowing it off then you'll only get more of the same. Choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Joker Dollars to doughnuts they did hook up. A man does not keep texting a woman if nothing is happening. Your WW as all WW's only confess to what you can prove. She is hiding more info. Time for a polygraph test. Please read that again, and it is not the only post that says that. Your wife did NOT confess ANYTHING to you. You caught her, you know she had plans to meet him according to her, and that means how on earth do you put this past you???? By taking her word for it??? not a smart idea. If you bring up the polygraph test, my guess is she will turn the color of Casper The Ghost. That will tell you something right there even if you had no intention of doing it, which would be not smart. She carried on a secret relationship with another man for years who apparently lives close enough for them to hook up. most men will not chase a woman for two years on FB if they do not get what they want. Making the statement that you just want to put it behind you is the absolute WORST thing you can say. because right now you have no real clue what the hell you are putting behind you. you will regret the day you played ostrich if that is the choice you make. Help yourself put it behind you by verifying what she has told you. There is no real reconciliation without the truth. it will only go more underground. My recommendation for you is to tell her she has one more chance to tell you EVERYTHING and that no matter what she tells you you will not make any snap decisions. Do not commit to stay regardless of what she has done. When she tells you there is no more, THEN tell her you are scheduling a polygraph because she cannot be trusted. If you do not do any of that, you better get a VAR in her can and a GPS on it. That will also tell you very quickly if you have the truth or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 The messages were sexually explicit over a 2 year period with him trying to hook up with my wife. After I confronted her she confessed that she had plans to meet up with him and came close one time but backed out at last minute. Have you read all the messages? Do you have a copy of them? I'd guess two years worth would be substantial amount of texts. Has your wife become transparent in all communication - phone, FB, email, text and social media? I don't think you need a polygraph, I'd bet a little digging would find a message that starts with "Last night was..." ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 My wife's betrayal bordering infidelity is tearing every emotion I have to shreds Also Joker, your wife's acts aren't "bordering infidelity", the sexual discussion with another man is at least an EA. Cheating is cheating... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joker0530 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Share Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) Thanks so much for all the feedback. I don't get much more from my wife then she is sorry and it was done and she can't take it back. Says she came close to an affair with him. She did it because she was mad at me because at that time I let my daughter who has a small child and pregnant again move on because she had no where to go .. Not a good child but she is my child and she was given chance after chance to help herself with us and it never worked out. There was animosity between my wife and my daughter so my wife was not happy having her there and she felt like she was walking on egg shells in her own home. This is the excuse she gave me... Said she wanted to hurt me... Leave me... And said said even though there was sexual flirtation she never followed through with meeting up with him Do I believe her?... I'd like to but I can never be sure . I leaning towards she might have and even if she didn't she had all intention to Edited July 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Your wife sounds like she's sorry she got caught, not sorry it happened. Chances are good that if the conversations were recent they've taken it underground - check for apps like whatsapp and text+ - there's apparently also a angler's app that looks like it's supposed to be for locating fish in lakes but it's actually a chat app. And she cheated, period. Affairs happen in increments, as do the details. EA or PA, she cheated - expect months of "trickle"truth where the more you talk, the more details that don't add up will fall out. And dude, do NOT allow anyone to blame the situation with your daughter or her child for your wife's selfish actions. Affairs are a convenient escape from reality but I have yet to see a legitimate excuse for cheating when Option A should be to LEAVE the relationship before starting another one. Is her phone available to you at all times now? No passwords? Do you have access to her email? Other than apologizing, has she shown any true signs of remorse? Anger, sadness, sincere expressions of deep grief and shame for how her actions have made you felt? Both you and her need to read Linda MacDonald (copy paste this in your search bar for free online version) lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf. She has work to do to earn your forgiveness. As a side note, this has nothing to do with your sexual prowess, masculinity, or manliness - it has to do with a fantasy based on lies and deception. If she was unhappy with you, the onus was on her to say, "I'm unhappy..." not to look outside the marriage to fill whatever void she felt was there. Dig into that anger at her betrayal and hold her accountable for what she has done and the hurt she has caused. Are you in MC? Are either of you in IC? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Joker, Google the signs your wife is cheating on you. The biggest red flag is her phone is locked and attached to her at the hip. You said again you are not sure if she has told you the truth but again you have deflected taking any action to find out. That means SHE IS IN CONTROL, and you will never put this behind you being manipulated. There ARE a number of things you can do to get out of this limbo but doing NOTHING aid not one of them. Everything you have written screams out that she is sorry she got caught (REGRET), not at all sorry she did it (REMORSE). Blaming you is right out of the cheaters handbook and so far you have fallen for it. You need to know her wherabouts, actions, and unexplained disappearances, and if she has any out of town "girlfriends" trips planned, you better verify that also or stop them. Lastly, not mentioned yet, is now that you are aware of this, you need to be looking for a "burner" phone. That is a prepaid phone that she can hide to talk to him. So you need to search EVERYWHERE in your home or her car where you ordinarily not look. That means her lingerie drawer, winter coat pockets, trunk of her car, ANYWHERE . She has had absolutely no consequences other than some pouting and words from you. That is not going to get you where you want to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) Said she wanted to hurt me... Leave me... Do I believe her?... Yes you should. Leave her before she leaves you. I don't get much more from my wife then she is sorry and it was done and she can't take it back. Once you're gone tell her that you're sorry but it's done and you can't take it back. Edited July 13, 2016 by Buckeye2 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 (edited) she confessed that she had plans to meet up with him and came close one time but backed out at last minute. It never happened It very well might have happened Also...your wife's reaction shows me she lacks remorse and respect for you. 1. She is annoyed that she got caught. Not sorry that she hurt you. 2. You are her Plan B manservant at this time. She takes you for granted. Bring up divorce...see how she reacts. Even if you plan to stay with a remorseless, disrespectful cheater (which I strongly advise against), you have to make the cheater feel negative consequences for her cheating. The way you are handling this now is very, very weak and gullible. You are inviting your wife to continue cheating in the future...by sending the massage that you are weak, gullible, and quick to forgive. My words are harsh...but you need to be shocked out of your complacency. Edited July 14, 2016 by BeholdtheMan 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Her excuses for cheating are pure bull manure. There were dozens of other ways of dealing with the issue concerning your daughter than going out and cheating. It is just a convenient excuse. I agree with the others that your WW has checked out of the marriage. I would let her go. File for D and move on. Give her the freedom she wants. And all this checking and following and stuff? I wouldn't waste time with it. If your gut tells you she has been sleeping with this guy then she probably has and is. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 I've got to be honest with you I think her having some sort of affair as a response was wrong. She should have up and divorced you the day you disrespected her in her own home by forcing your deadbeat pregnant daughter and her kid move in against your wife's wishes. That is your wife's home too, why do you think it is ok that just because your daughter is admittedly a major f*ckup and major strain on your wife, you could force your wife to live with that in HER OWN home? Why is it because your daughter fails every chance you give her, your wife has to pay for you not allowing your daughter to take responsibility? If I had a wife that did something like that to me, the total lack of respect would probably be the wave I rode to the divorce lawyers office the next day. I think the wrong person is playing victim here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 (edited) My wife refused to use the term affair as well. In fact denied she was committing adultery before me. She was single an having sex with OM. She downshifted to an emotional affair with OM when she met me. But he kept trying to restart whole thing and there were conversations and meet ups - one with me not knowing how he was. But once I got her into two different woman therapists and started to say " I did not have a affair" the look of shock and disgust in the female marriage therapist faces - my wife broke down and said " okay I did have an affair" it was the first step for her and me. I hope you wife uses that term some day with you - "I cheated" "I had an affair " and I am sorry. Edited July 15, 2016 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Your wife doesn't even sound like she's sorry. I also doubt you got the full truth. You're being played. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 That is your wife's home too, why do you think it is ok that just because your daughter is admittedly a major f*ckup and major strain on your wife, you could force your wife to live with that in HER OWN home? Why is it because your daughter fails every chance you give her, your wife has to pay for you not allowing your daughter to take responsibility? What does any of this have to do with his wife cheating on him? If you're saying the difficult situation with his daughter somehow explains or supports her affair, that's a very slippery slope. Most marriages have issues, please explain the level at which they start to justify infidelity... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 a polygraph is useless...... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 I've got to be honest with you I think her having some sort of affair as a response was wrong. She should have up and divorced you the day you disrespected her in her own home by forcing your deadbeat pregnant daughter and her kid move in against your wife's wishes. That is your wife's home too, why do you think it is ok that just because your daughter is admittedly a major f*ckup and major strain on your wife, you could force your wife to live with that in HER OWN home? Why is it because your daughter fails every chance you give her, your wife has to pay for you not allowing your daughter to take responsibility? If I had a wife that did something like that to me, the total lack of respect would probably be the wave I rode to the divorce lawyers office the next day. I think the wrong person is playing victim here. Marital issues surrounding children from a previous relationship are very complicated and usually neither spouse in the situation is without fault. If he were married to his daughter's mother then taking her in when she was pregnant and had no where to go would have been a no brainer because his wife would have wanted to help her daughter and grandchild at least as much as the OP, if not more. But when you have a spouse who doesn't love or care about your child then it can be very difficult to navigate the waters between keeping your spouse happy while still trying to be a supportive parent. It's a very painful to feel like you have to choose. Not saying your opinion isn't valid but as we don't know all of details surrounding his daughter and her problems I'm not sure we can jump to conclusions regarding the OP's choice to help her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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