Screwed up and now I'm pregnant...

[Moonsmission]

Help!

 

I've been with my current guy for 4 years, no children. I've been loyal but have had a lot of issues with substance abuse. I am not proud of myself for what I've done but I slept with a guy for drugs. ***currently I am 7 months clean*** due to the fact I am pregnant.

 

I had unprotected sex with my guy November 6, and he came inside me. I'm not on the pill or any contraceptives. About a week later I made a stupid decision and slept with the drug guy November 11 or 12 (not both days) it was also unprotected but he didn't come inside me, he pulled out and played with himself for a bit before he came.

 

at my April 28th ultrasound I was 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant. And my due date is August 14.

40 weeks leads back to November 8, which was a few days after My guy came inside me. My conception date is around November 22 (2 weeks after the 8th) .

Everything adds up to it being my guys child , biologically (having his ejaculation in me) and numerically with the dates.

 

How likely it is that he is the father?

 

I haven't talked to him yet about things, but I know that I have to in case it doesn't come out looking like him. My guy is Asian and I'm white, and the other guy is white. So if it doesn't look half Asian he will know . I'm struggling to tell him but I also want to know how likely he is to be the father compared to the drug guy I hooked up with which was a huge mistake. Again everything points to my guy... What are your insights?? Any help would be appreciated. And yes I know I messed up.

[Lady Hamilton]

How does a child come out looking "half Asian?"

 

Does he know your an addict? Have you joined any rehab groups to help you in your sobriety? Issues like this are things they will guide you through. I'd suggest you tap their resources to help you know what to do and do so in a way that doesn't compromise your ability to remain sober.

 

And I'd do it fast because the longer you wait, the worse it'll get...

[RecentChange]

Huh, I never knew conception dates could range so much.

 

Any way. Having never been pregnant I was curious - here is an online calculator:

 

Pregnancy Conception Calculator

 

Looks like November 10 - 13 are your possible conception dates. Doesn't give the 6th as a possibility.

 

Did you really have unprotected sex with your boyfriend just once?

 

Dates point to the drug dealer.

[Lady Hamilton]

Pinpointing dates isn't an exact science. They track from the date of your last period, and/or the size of the baby. One is more reliable than others, but not so reliable that you can say with certainty either way.

 

Counting backwards from due date is less accurate than adding forward from your last period. Even then, it all hinges on having a cycle that is textbook. Like I have a 30 day cycle and ovulate either very early or very late depending on the cycle before. They couldn't nail down a small window for date of conception, and when I went into labor what would have been 3 weeks early with a full size baby, it became a total mystery what my conception window was.

 

OP, your doctor didn't give you a conception date/window?

Edited July 8, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[drifter777]

My wife and I have had 3 children and in no way did an early ultrasound do anything but give the Dr. a rough idea of what's going on. At the end they may say "your about 24 weeks along" but it's not so precise that you could use it as a paternity guide. Either one of them could be the father. Pulling out is responsible for two of my three kids and is the absolute worst birth-control idea ever.

 

People of 50/50 Asian-Caucasian decent look Asian so you have good reason to fear waiting until birth to reveal your secret. If you wait to tell him and you have an Asian child he's going to freak out. He'll probably scream at you and walk out. After that you will likely have about the same chance of staying together and working things out as you do if you tell him right now. So you do the math and you see that you have about a 50/50 chance of

 

A) getting away with your cheating scot free

 

B) having him explode when an Asian baby pops out

 

Either way you have about the same chance of reconciliation and will not have any responsibility for another man's child. I think it's worth the risk for you to keep it a secret for this reason as well as the 50/50 chance of saving your boyfriend the pain of knowing you cheated.

[Grapesofwrath]

It's very difficult to pinpoint date of conception. Sperm can stay viable in the body for up to 72 hours after intercourse. Given the proximity of the dates, it is possible that either one is the father.

 

Genetic testing during pregnancy is possible, but it has risks and may not be covered by insurance if there is no reason to perform it other than establishing paternity.

 

Lady Hamilton: My children are half-Asian, and it is definitely something that can be seen at birth. If your partner is 100% Asian, the genes tend to be very dominant so it is almost assured the child will have dark hair and eyes. Newborns, especially, tend to resemble their father strongly, so it will become apparent quickly.

[NTV]

I think you should seek individual counseling first before anything else. There's free services if you need it. You know that after the baby is born and your "reason" for keeping your body clean of drugs is gone (+/- breastfeeding), and you're possibly hit with postpartum depression, you will be at extreme risk to yourself, your husband, and your child's social environment, right??

 

 

I'm not judging your past decisions here, please keep that in mind. what's done is done. right now, you can only look at your future and your husbands and child's future right now and how best to navigate it. And you aren't doing it alone no matter what. at the very least (the VERY least), you've got all of us here willing to cheer for you when you deserve it and chew you out when you need it.

 

 

That doesn't mean what you've got to do will be easy. Really it sounds like it's one of the hardest things you're gonna hafta do in your life. And it doesn't sound like there is really a dance step to get it 100% right. This is one of those messy situations that make us human. It's the rising above and bettering yourself and your family that will be the success here.

 

 

So... timeline wise, here's my recommendation:

Baby (2ish months?)

Counseling (at least 6-12 month)

Possible postpartum / antidepressants (uncertain timeframe - concurrent with counseling)

Admission of truth to husband - once prepared in conjunction with counselor

Dealing with fallout of that admission (3-5 years)

 

 

And that whole timeframe you've got to stay drug-free and create and maintain a wholesome family environment.

 

 

No... seeing it after I typed it out, it won't be easy at all. But it is doable. And not doing it risks your kid's life. (maybe even literally).

 

 

Of course, I don't know all the other things going on in your life (like work, other family, etc etc) that need to get factored in as well.

 

 

I also think you should anonymously report the drug-dealer because... well f 'em. He doesn't care about the folks around him enough not to do that, then he should get locked away for a while. (but I'm generally totally against drugs to begin...not exactly unbiased, lol).

 

 

Anyways, all this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it or take whatever parts you can use and leave the rest. I'm rooting for your success!

[salparadise]

IF you slept the the boyfriend and he came inside unprotected a couple of days prior to ovulation... vs. having sex with the drug dealer after ovulation and he pulled out well ahead of ejaculation, then it's likely to be the boyfriends.

 

Sperm can live 3-5 days awaiting the egg to drop, whereas the egg needs to be fertilized pretty quick or it will no longer be viable. This slants it toward the bf.

 

While pulling out is not generally considered a reliable means of birth control, it most certainly is effective if the guy pulls out before ejaculating. If the guy nears the threshold and tries to hold back ejaculation he could leak sperm prior to his orgasm. Waiting until the last moment to pull out is likely to get you a half dose, which is probably as effective as a whole dose if the timing is right. Since you said that he pulled out and then had to jerk awhile to cum, it tilts toward the bf.

 

But, this is nothing more than speculative odds making based on sketchy information. If you know the date of the start of your last period, 14 days (give or take a few) from that date was the probable date of ovulation. If sex with the drug dealer was a week or more after that, it's almost certainly the boyfriends.

 

If you just can't reconstruct the timeline, it's more likely the bf's because the other guy pulled out.

 

I'd guess 65:35 in favor of the bf based on the info given.

[Moonsmission]

They didn't give me a conception date but I've read that the process of conception takes a few weeks.

 

If it were my bf the window of sperm reaching is 6,7,8th of November. If sperm did reach the egg, fertilization can take up to 24 hours. If this is correct I would have been "closed off" from anyone else's sperm trying to get through.

 

If that was the case, sex with the drug dealer would have occurred 11 or 12th of November which is basically 5-7 days after. Of course pulling out isn't 100 proof but it would be unlikely for him to fertilize since my bf got there first essentially.

 

My prior period was around 22nd of October and that means I would've been most fertile around 2 weeks after (14 days) which matches up pretty close to my bf.

 

Because of the close dates it is making me scared but when I think about the biology and the math it just makes sense...

[Moonsmission]

How does a child come out looking "half Asian?"

 

Does he know your an addict? Have you joined any rehab groups to help you in your sobriety? Issues like this are things they will guide you through. I'd suggest you tap their resources to help you know what to do and do so in a way that doesn't compromise your ability to remain sober.

 

And I'd do it fast because the longer you wait, the worse it'll get...

 

Yes he knows I was an addict and we've had some rocky times due to that. I'm currently in AA and A few counselling programs as well. I've been clean since I found out I was pregnant (7 months clean, 8 months pregnant). Still hard but so far so good. My bf is a big supporter and it would hurt so much if this didn't work out in our favour.

[salparadise]

My prior period was around 22nd of October and that means I would've been most fertile around 2 weeks after (14 days) which matches up pretty close to my bf.

 

Because of the close dates it is making me scared but when I think about the biology and the math it just makes sense...

 

If you're certain of Oct 22 being the start of your period, and if they are regular at about 28-30 days, then much higher odds on the boyfriend. The 12th is a full three weeks after, so this would be the beginning of the safe time. The pull-out increases the odds further. Hope it works out for everyone's sake.

[vanhalenfan]

It's quite difficult to estimate a true conception date. Sperm can survive in the reproductive tract of a woman for up to 5 days. It happened to me and my fiance. We only had sex ONCE during a particular cycle and it was 4-5 days before I ovulated. My cycles are always spot-on. I became pregnant with my 3rd child then. So that little sucker hung on until that egg was released. Sperm can be resiliant (especially X chromosome sperm, in other words, female) while the egg usually dies within 24 hours of release.

 

Anyway, there probably is no way of knowing until the child is born...The dates of possible conception/partners is just too close. However, if I had to place a bet using dates, I'd pick your boyfriend.

Edited July 8, 2016 by vanhalenfan

[ChickiePops]

I agree with most of the posters above. It does sound like it's your boyfriends kid.

 

Congrats on getting clean. I'm very anti-infidelity and I'm usually one to encourage honesty, but in your particular case it sounds like you were in the throes of an addiction and had lost control of your senses. It appears to have been a one time thing and I don't see the point in saying anything to your boyfriend about it unless the baby turns out not to be his and you know this for a fact.

 

Some people will yell at me for this I'm sure, but I stand by my opinion. This is a special case. Addiction is an illness and it can absolutely cause people to behave in ways they normally wouldn't.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My wife and I have had 3 children and in no way did an early ultrasound do anything but give the Dr. a rough idea of what's going on. At the end they may say "your about 24 weeks along" but it's not so precise that you could use it as a paternity guide. Either one of them could be the father. Pulling out is responsible for two of my three kids and is the absolute worst birth-control idea ever.

 

People of 50/50 Asian-Caucasian decent look Asian so you have good reason to fear waiting until birth to reveal your secret. If you wait to tell him and you have an Asian child he's going to freak out. He'll probably scream at you and walk out. After that you will likely have about the same chance of staying together and working things out as you do if you tell him right now. So you do the math and you see that you have about a 50/50 chance of

 

A) getting away with your cheating scot free

 

B) having him explode when an Asian baby pops out

 

Either way you have about the same chance of reconciliation and will not have any responsibility for another man's child. I think it's worth the risk for you to keep it a secret for this reason as well as the 50/50 chance of saving your boyfriend the pain of knowing you cheated.

 

my daughter in law is half Asian and half Caucasian...she does not look Asian...but she does not look Caucasian...When my son met her he thought that she was Hispanic. My granddaughter who is only 1/4 Asian...looks more Asian than her mother....

[Mr. Lucky]

Addiction is an illness and it can absolutely cause people to behave in ways they normally wouldn't.

 

Certainly agree with this. But...

 

I don't see the point in saying anything to your boyfriend about it unless the baby turns out not to be his and you know this for a fact.

 

Put yourself in the BF's shoes. Can you imagine being in the delivery room and watching your partner give birth to a child that's not an ethnic match?

 

Moonsmission, if your BF's been around during your addiction he knows the self-destructive behaviors you were capable of. Don't reward his loyalty and support with more deception. He deserves to know what's going on regardless of the odds. I'll remind you, Leicester City was 5,000 to 1...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lady Hamilton]

my daughter in law is half Asian and half Caucasian...she does not look Asian...but she does not look Caucasian...When my son met her he thought that she was Hispanic. My granddaughter who is only 1/4 Asian...looks more Asian than her mother....

 

This is what I'm thinking too. It's so hard to predict what a child will look like... I've seen people with two African roots that look Hispanic, Asian people who have children that look Caucasian, Native American and Mexivan parents who had a child who looked like a black American... My child looked very Asian for the first several months of his life and there's not a drop of Asian blood in either my husband or me. I'm German and he's young American and Irish.

 

Which genes and traits are dominant and recessive have more to do with the parents than the nationality as a whole.

[MJJean]

 

Genetic testing during pregnancy is possible, but it has risks and may not be covered by insurance if there is no reason to perform it other than establishing paternity.

 

If the genetic testing with risks you are referring to is an amniocentesis, your info is a bit outdated. Now, a maternal blood sample is all that's needed.

 

OP, you need to come clean with your BF and it's a matter of having a simple blood draw to find out for sure.

[drifter777]

my daughter in law is half Asian and half Caucasian...she does not look Asian...but she does not look Caucasian...When my son met her he thought that she was Hispanic. My granddaughter who is only 1/4 Asian...looks more Asian than her mother....

 

Either way she would have a lot of 'splaining to do...

 

The dates seem to match up best with the BF being baby-daddy but one factor that cannot be ignored is karma. The universe doesn't always reward a bad deed with good luck...

[Mrs. John Adams]

One wonders .. If you are a drug addict ... And you don't know who baby daddy is... Why abortion is not on the table

 

Not that I am for it

 

I just wonder

 

There seems to be so many risks here

 

STDs AIDS baby addiction unknown daddy

 

I would have to really consider all the risks this baby faces

[BetrayedH]

If we're talking about a 5-day span back in November, you aren't going to figure out whose kid this is with any kind of pregnancy math. Quit trying. Get focused on what you need to do about it.

 

Fess up and clean up the mess.

[BetrayedH]

One wonders .. If you are a drug addict ... And you don't know who baby daddy is... Why abortion is not on the table

 

Not that I am for it

 

I just wonder

 

There seems to be so many risks here

 

STDs AIDS baby addiction unknown daddy

 

I would have to really consider all the risks this baby faces

 

Seems a bit late for an abortion decision.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Seems a bit late for an abortion decision.

 

you are probably right....I just think she has sure gotten herself into a pickle...and the one who will suffer the most...is this precious little baby

[ChickiePops]

you are probably right....I just think she has sure gotten herself into a pickle...and the one who will suffer the most...is this precious little baby

 

 

If her OB/GYN is any kind of doctor, he would have administered a full STD panel including an AIDS test when she first found out she was pregnant, especially considering her past with drugs. She says she has been clean since she found out about the pregnancy so addiction is unlikely.

 

Honestly, if the baby is her boyfriends and she stays clean, I don't see why the child can't have a perfectly normal life.

Edited July 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs. John Adams]

 

If her OB/GYN is any kind of doctor, he would have administered a full STD panel including an AIDS test when she first found out she was pregnant, especially considering her past with drugs. She says she has been clean since she found out about the pregnancy so addiction is unlikely.

 

Honestly, if the baby is her boyfriends and she stays clean, I don't see why the child can't have a perfectly normal life.

 

If she told her doctor...yes...he may have done all those tests...but what if she didn't?

 

I don't like to be a negative Nellie...but let's really take a look at the chances of this child having a perfectly normal life.

 

This baby could come out and both fathers reject it....it is likely to born to a mother who will go back to using again...

 

Will the mother change? Will she be a good responsible parent? and what will happen if the boyfriend rejects the child because it isn't his? Will the OM step up and take responsibility?

 

Everything could turn out just fine...but what are the odds?

 

This is a boyfriend...not a husband....how committed will he be if he finds out his girlfriend screwed another man and bore his child?

 

Realistically...I am not seeing a happy ending to this story

 

I wish her the very best...whatever that may be

Edited July 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lady Hamilton]

I agree... Being cheated on with a drug dealer in exchange for drugs may be difficult for him to accept. If the dealer is the father, being rejected by him may not be so awful for the baby. OP didn't say if he used drugs too, so that I'm curious about as well as people who struggle with sobriety tend to attract others who do as well.

 

I'd get AA and the pros involved in this so they can mediate what's best and be prepared to cast the net to help protect her sobriety when things get hard.

 

Maybe this was the inspiration she needed to get her life back from her disease... After all, that does happen.

 

As for the abortion issue, while she could still legal get an abortion in a small handful of areas, it seems clear to me she is preparing to be a mother. I think given the circumstances that's a very brave decision that shows some incredible forethought, especially given her background. I'm also hoping for nothing but the best for her.

Edited July 9, 2016 by Lady Hamilton