Jump to content

DDay 12 and feeling very down


Recommended Posts

Hello, I found out about my husbands affair 12 days ago (or at least had a suspicion), purely by accident. Once I made this discovery I did a little investigating and pretty much confirmed my suspicions. I was devastated, never in a million years would I think my husband would cheat on me. Although we have had our share of ups and downs including our daughters autism diagnosis and what followed and my husbands opiate addiction, but we made it through and came out stronger. Or so I thought. He was/is my best friend, the one person I felt completely comfortable with, the one that comforted me and the one that has completely destroyed my heart. Both of us come from families where our dads were unfaithful to our moms and we swore we would never do that to each other or to our kids, that if we ever got to that point we would be honest with each other.

 

When I confronted him with my evidence he immediately fessed up, kind of. First he said he was only talking to her and that no sex was involved but I called bs and he admitted that there was sex. He then answered all of my questions. His version:

He met her at a co workers Halloween party last year and she was flirting with him and that lead to her giving him oral sex. Over the next four months he had sex with her 3 times and had many phone conversations. In February she had a conversation with him in which she told him she was tired of being the other woman all the time (I guess she really liked married men) and that is what jolted him into ending things. He realized that I and our marriage was more important than sex so he ended it. He says they never connected on an emotional level that it was just chit chat, sometimes about sex. He says he is disgusted, ashamed and will do whatever it takes to repair things. He put a tracker app on my phone and wants me to track him, he has given me all of his passwords and has shut off his social media, he is answering all of my questions, taking full responsibility and being an open book.

 

We have been married almost 19 years and over the last 10 years our sex life has not been the greatest and the worst has been in the last couple of years. My husband wanted sex all the time, I didn't. I know that I was not meeting his sexual/emotional needs but he was not meeting my emotional needs either and I didn't choose to go find someone else to do it. Well 7 days ago I started experiencing "hysterical bonding". We have had the most and the best sex we have had in years. I feel disgusted with myself. I go from crying to wanting to cut him to wanting to throw him down on the bed, all in a matter of minutes. I know that it is a normal reaction but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

 

I always said that there was no second chances when it came to cheating but here I am thinking about what I do not want to lose, praying that I can make it through this, and that my husband truly loves me and will do anything to make things right.

 

How do you know if they are being real and not just sorry they got caught?

 

How do you know if they are telling you all of the truth or if they are minimizing the affair?

 

Can there really be hope for a second chance or is it really once a cheater always a cheater?

 

Is the HB making things worse?

 

When can I trust myself to make rational decisions instead of living in my emotions?

 

Never in a million years did I think I would be here.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams

I had an affair 33 years ago...we have been in reconciliation ever since

 

You can survive infidelity...but the decision is yours and yours alone what is best for you

 

do you divorce? Do you reconcile?

 

Get yourself into therapy

 

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your infidelity by linda macdonald

 

See a lawyer to get all of your ducks in a row in case of divorce

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
underpants

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your infidelity by linda macdonald

 

Is this person's life about just selling books, helping cheaters trick their spouses?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams
Is this person's life about just selling books, helping cheaters trick their spouses?

 

no...this book written by a therapist is about choices and giving the betrayed spouse the power to make their own decisions that are best for them

 

whether it is divorce or reconciliation

 

have you read it?

 

 

 

Linda, obtained her Master's Degree from Seattle Pacific University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with the State of Washington. She's been a therapist in private practice since 1987, most recently at The Shepherd's Center for Psychological Services. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC).

 

Her specialties include: marital and family counseling, healing from infidelity, depression, singles' issues, adolescents, conflict resolution, women's issues and co-dependency.

 

Linda MacDonald's approach is engaging and active, and she often acts as ''coach'' between family members. She sometimes utilizes role-playing, Lifespan Integration, and healing prayer therapy as the client is comfortable.

 

Linda has conducted a variety of workshops, including, ''Healing the Root of Bitterness'', ''Mind Over Mush'' (on healthy dating), ''Healing Grief and Loss'', ''The Healing Power of a Meaningful Apology'', 'Healing from Betrayal and Abandonment Grief', and 'The Trauma from the Drama' regarding post-betrayal and post-abandonment stress.

 

She has written and published a popular psycho-therapeutic drama, ''Broken Heart,'' that has been used by churches and youth organizations all over the world for the past 30 years.

 

More recently, she has written a book, 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair', geared for unfaithful persons who wish to repair the damage and have a second chance with their spouses. It is available as a book on Amazon.com or as an e-book on Kindle or her website. (You can reach her website by clicking on the link at the bottom, or her green bold name at the top of this profile).

 

Linda MacDonald is currently working on a book about healing from infidelity alone.

 

In September of 2013, she graciously agreed to take on the duties as Clinic Administrator. This meant handling our office lease, our shared bills, ordering/purchasing office supplies, and generally keeping our clinic 'humming!'

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
He says they never connected on an emotional level that it was just chit chat, sometimes about sex.

 

Well, I'd call BS on this, it's a typical lie WH tell BW to minimize the damage. If the gender roles were reversed (you were the BH and he the WW), you'd be told "I didn't enjoy the sex".

 

Sorry you find yourself in this situation :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
understand50

 

How do you know if they are being real and not just sorry they got caught?

 

How do you know if they are telling you all of the truth or if they are minimizing the affair?

 

Can there really be hope for a second chance or is it really once a cheater always a cheater?

 

Is the HB making things worse?

 

When can I trust myself to make rational decisions instead of living in my emotions?

 

Opossum,

 

Sorry for your troubles. You are going to be getting much advise and opinions here, remember, we are just "whispers on the internet" and only take what you need that works for you. You will get the "divorce now, only way" and sometimes "Reconciliation can work" I have been married for over 40 years, and we have had our ups and downs, to include infidelity, and some overspending.

 

So to address your questions:

 

"How do you know if they are being real and not just sorry they got caught? "

 

His actions, what is he doing to make amends. From what you have wrote, he is doing all the right things. Only time will tell, if is has "real" remorse. Also, he may not know just how badly he hurt you. In our society, today, infidelity is not a huge deal. He just may not know. You may have to help him on this score, and it will take time. I am sure he is sorry for what he did, and sorry he got caught, but moving on to see just what pain and hurt he inflected on you may take time. Mrs Adams, took time and introspection to really help John. Some spouses never really reach that stage. In the meantime, you are looking for positive actions that shows he is putting you first, and realizes, that he has done you wrong. Hopefully he will see just how much, with time.

 

"How do you know if they are telling you all of the truth or if they are minimizing the affair?"

 

Realize, that what he is doing is a normal thing all humans do. The only way is to keep asking questions what thing do not add up. If he is truly remorseful, this is painful for him as well, so keep that in mind. Again, time will tell, and be prepared for things to come out later, or when you both reach a spot where you can really discuss it, of some nugget to come out that he may not have thought was any consequence, but bothers you. Remember if you ask hard questions you get hard answers. Again it will take time.

 

 

"Can there really be hope for a second chance or is it really once a cheater always a cheater?"

 

Yes there can be second chances for cheaters. My wife, Mrs Adams, and others here. I think for the really remorseful cheater, once they see the hurt and pain, the chance of cheating again goes way down. We have had several threads on "Can anyone cheat", and the consensuses is "Everyone can cheat give the right circumstances". Reformed cheaters, tend to not get in the same circumstances again - ever. So, unless, he is just plain evil, your WH has a good chance of being faithful, maybe more so going forward.

 

"Is the HB making things worse?"

 

No, I think you both having sex is a good thing. It helps in my book. Really helped me. If my then G/F had not had sex with me, we would not have gotten married. It would have been over. So I would say, keep it up, until you get your fill. Remember, your husband will want to try and reconnect, and sex does help with this. Use it to reconnect as well, but on your terms.

 

"When can I trust myself to make rational decisions instead of living in my emotions?"

 

When you can think about what happened and not feel overwhelming pain and hurt. I think you are more in the "let's reconcile" then the "divorce" camp. I know it will be hard, but try and look at things dispassionately. When, 7 years ago, I was really looking at divorcing my wife, I wrote down all the positive things, and then all the negative things both for and against. Try looking at this as if you were advising a friend. Give some advise to others here, it may help you step aside, and frame things for yourself.

 

Again, sorry for your troubles. Both you and your husband have some hard work ahead, but the rewards can be great. It has for me and others. Reconciliation can work. In the end, if you cannot get over what he did, you will know you gave it your best shot.

 

I wish you luck, and hope for the best for you.......

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It really depends on what you want, I'd say think about everything. I know from experience, I was the cheater, It tore me up. I didn't want to be excused from what I did, My wife looked at the bigger picture, the long term, she was hurt terribly as you are. My situation was different, if I had it back I would of dealt with it and tried to move forward. because your life will never be the same but it could be. Think about your years together. My life was totally screwed up for 10 years. But as I say I was the cheater, if this hasn't torn him up at all I think your answers maybe easier.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
How do you know if they are being real and not just sorry they got caught? If they are honestly answering you without any anger or blameshifting. When they bring up the A on their own. It sounds like you may be one of the luckier one's in that your WS is willing to be an open book. Most are cry babies about losing their freedom (a.k.a cannot speak to OW anymore boo f**king hoo)

 

How do you know if they are telling you all of the truth or if they are minimizing the affair? This really tends to take time, but they (WS's) usually minimize in the beginning. Take your time exploring this and processing all the facts. Minimizing the A is similar to saying "well it really didn't mean anything" "we only kissed one time" we only had sex one time" blah blah blah. There is usually a lot more involved if it was an A.

 

Can there really be hope for a second chance or is it really once a cheater always a cheater? I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater even though I am with a serial cheater.

 

Is the HB making things worse? It actually is supposed to help you to reconnect IF the WS is putting in the work to heal the M. HB for me was not an act of love, more of proving myself and marking my territory so to speak. It can make things worse if the WS is still carrying on their A.

 

When can I trust myself to make rational decisions instead of living in my emotions? It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Give yourself the gift of time to trust yourself and try not to make any rash decisions for 6 months. Your WS has a loooong way to go.

 

Never in a million years did I think I would be here. None of us did and you are not alone. Welcome to LS (((Opossum))) and I'm sorry you find yourself here :(

 

Answers in bold above^^^

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you everyone for your kind words and insight on my situation. It helps to get my story out to others who understand and do not judge.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi (((Opossum)))

 

Sorry that you find yourself here - I know it sucks and you don't deserve it, no bs does.

 

I found myself getting very emotional reading it because your reaction sounds almost identical to my wife's, and his behaviour post-discovery sounds identical to mine.

 

HB was incredible for us too - I simply couldn't believe that on the very same night that I told her about my PA, we had possibly the best sex we'd ever had. But I've since found out that it's quite normal.

 

All I can say is to echo what other posters say about not doing anything rash, give yourselves time and very carefully observe his behaviour. Your mind and your recovery will likely play out a very predictable, well trodden and well documented sequence of phases and you are unlikely to have much clarity about the long term for at least six months.

 

If you really are as similar to my wife you seem, you will start to turn the corner reasonably quickly and will gradually start feeling better and better as long as he does his bit properly and sincerely. If he really is as similar to me as he seems, then he is very likely genuine about wanting to save the marriage and bitterly regrets his selfish mistakes. He will also be in a personal hell and full of remorse, frustration and confusion. We are nearly one year into recovery and we are still nowhere near recovered, but we are in so so so much better a place than we were at 12 days. We are determined to make our marriage even better than it was before the A where we fell into a rut, but of course the spectre of the A will always be there to some degree.

 

We are here for you. Keep posting. You can get through this.

 

((( More hugs))) J

Edited by jenkins95
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
His version:

He met her at a co workers Halloween party last year and she was flirting with him and that lead to her giving him oral sex. Over the next four months he had sex with her 3 times and had many phone conversations. In February she had a conversation with him in which she told him she was tired of being the other woman all the time (I guess she really liked married men) and that is what jolted him into ending things. He realized that I and our marriage was more important than sex so he ended it. He says they never connected on an emotional level that it was just chit chat, sometimes about sex. He says he is disgusted, ashamed and will do whatever it takes to repair things. He put a tracker app on my phone and wants me to track him, he has given me all of his passwords and has shut off his social media, he is answering all of my questions, taking full responsibility and being an open book.

Never ceases to amaze me. The longer I stay on LS the more I realize that - husbands anyway - seem to all have some variation on the same theme when they work up their stories.

 

I won't bore you with mine but to say the themes were all the same although the bolded part was pretty close to verbatim.

 

It sounds like you're calling bs but also like some part of you wants to believe him, too - which is normal. That's exactly why he knows how to frame it so you'll buy it. And it's always partly true. But what you need to realize is that what details he gives you will be to show why it wasn't that serious or he didn't realize what was happening. One thing to wonder about is the specific detail. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm afraid it's a classic liar's trick. 3 times? Exactly? I'd wonder about that one.

 

Being caught is something I don't think they ever let their minds dwell on very long. And once it happens, they really don't want to stay there. The shame is from being caught and having to own it and call it what it was. So this very fact of denial and avoidance that they practiced means that they really gave very little thought to what it meant in the grand scheme of things. Being caught means they do have to think about it, and they're not very good at it and don't WANT to be good at it. After, they want to be as obedient and pure as they can possibly be to make it go away as quickly as possible.

 

Just my take on it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
How do you know if they are being real and not just sorry they got caught?

If they are honestly answering you without any anger or blameshifting. When they bring up the A on their own. It sounds like you may be one of the luckier one's in that your WS is willing to be an open book. Most are cry babies about losing their freedom (a.k.a cannot speak to OW anymore boo f**king hoo)

 

How do you know if they are telling you all of the truth or if they are minimizing the affair?

This really tends to take time, but they (WS's) usually minimize in the beginning. Take your time exploring this and processing all the facts. Minimizing the A is similar to saying "well it really didn't mean anything" "we only kissed one time" we only had sex one time" blah blah blah. There is usually a lot more involved if it was an A.

 

Can there really be hope for a second chance or is it really once a cheater always a cheater?

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater even though I am with a serial cheater.

 

Is the HB making things worse?

It actually is supposed to help you to reconnect IF the WS is putting in the work to heal the M. HB for me was not an act of love, more of proving myself and marking my territory so to speak. It can make things worse if the WS is still carrying on their A.

 

When can I trust myself to make rational decisions instead of living in my emotions?

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Give yourself the gift of time to trust yourself and try not to make any rash decisions for 6 months. Your WS has a loooong way to go.

 

Never in a million years did I think I would be here. None of us did and you are not alone. Welcome to LS (((Opossum))) and I'm sorry you find yourself here Answers in bold above^^^

I agree with everything ld has said here and yet I'd say to you take all this explanation in from these excellent people and get sort of an idea what might happen but it's still just information in your head. It will be - and really needs to be - a while before you can own your own version of this as your own truth. Right now, you have to grieve, you have to be angry, you have to do what helps you process these enormous emotions. I guess the HB is like that.

 

But the real reason I think you don't want to relax yet is that I believe that the betrayed spouse is short-changed if you just jump from discovery to working it out. I believe that you have to fully unload AND that hubby should not be let off the hook quickly or easily.

 

Not saying revenge at all. I know it sounds like it, but it's not because it's not contrived and there's no pleasure in it for you. But you do need to see that he processes it - all of it - and shows you that he is and that he is able and willing to work as hard as you to understand how the hell he did it.

 

One more thing about the HB - just that I wish I'd had a little at the time - sounds like that could at least make some part of that hell enjoyable!

 

It's not funny. I know. You're doing the right thing being here. It's a healthy way to deal with it, think, get insight. You're doing all right. It's just very hard.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What you are going through here is very normal in the circumstances.

 

Huffington Post - One of the most common mindf*cks the cheated upon may experience after the discovery of an affair is the expectation that they will try harder to win back the cheater

 

  • Mounting a defense of the marriage and trying too hard sell your cheater on What You Have Together.

 

  • Eating the sh*t sandwich. Not bringing up the affair. Stuffing your emotions so as not to upset the cheater with your distress.

 

  • Believing that the cheater’s need for “happiness” is paramount to the commitment they made to you. If they want to break that commitment, fine, there are honest ways to do that, beginning with a divorce lawyer. If they want to work on happiness, there is therapy, God, and working at pet shelters. But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage and a side dish f*ck because they aren’t “happy.”

 

  • Let’s make a deal! This the bargaining stage of grief, that as long as you try harder to make the cheater happy, they won’t betray you. Their happiness, however, is an ever moving target. If you do not want to be in an open marriage, don’t be. It’s one thing to be presented with that from the start. It’s quite another thing for a cheater to renegotiate the terms after an affair is discovered. Be true to yourself and what you need.

 

  • Super spouse! Are you having hysterical bonding sex, going to the gym, and dressing spiffier? If you’re trying to be a better you to “win,” you’re just rewarding them. Be a better you for you. Your next partner will appreciate it a lot more than they will.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I won't bore you with mine but to say the themes were all the same although the bolded part was pretty close to verbatim.

 

It sounds like you're calling bs but also like some part of you wants to believe him, too - which is normal. That's exactly why he knows how to frame it so you'll buy it. And it's always partly true. But what you need to realize is that what details he gives you will be to show why it wasn't that serious or he didn't realize what was happening. One thing to wonder about is the specific detail. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm afraid it's a classic liar's trick. 3 times? Exactly? I'd wonder about that one.

 

Have to agree, it does seem like there's a playbook somewhere all WS's steal their lines from.

 

"Never connected on an emotional level"? Opossum, I'd then want to know why the relationship was so compelling he was willing on multiple occasions to risk his marriage for it?

 

Someday I'd like to hear a WS say "I was fully in love with my AP, the sex was hot and heavy and then I came to my senses and realized what I could lose".

 

At least that would be believable ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Have to agree, it does seem like there's a playbook somewhere all WS's steal their lines from.

 

"Never connected on an emotional level"? Opossum, I'd then want to know why the relationship was so compelling he was willing on multiple occasions to risk his marriage for it?

 

Someday I'd like to hear a WS say "I was fully in love with my AP, the sex was hot and heavy and then I came to my senses and realized what I could lose".

 

At least that would be believable ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Damn straight, Mr. Lucky.
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
How are you doing, Opossum? Hope this week is better ...

 

This week is a little better, thank you.

 

I appreciate all of the advice and have been reading everything and taking it all in. I still feel sort of numb at times, not really feeling anything but most of the time I am just sad. I have gotten really pissed a few times but lucky for him he was at work most of those times. I am emotionally and mentally drained, am still not sleeping well and have to force myself to eat sometimes. But there is a slight improvement since last week so thats something.

 

My WH is still doing and saying everything right, being there if I need him, leaving me be when I need to be alone, answers all of my questions patiently, and is all around the text book case of someone who "gets it", if that is really possible. He swears everything he has told me is the honest truth and has agreed to a polly graph if I want one. Doesn't mean I believe him although that would be great if I could:/ Everything he says and does right now paints a pretty picture but nothing but time will tell.

 

I have decided that I am going to give myself a minimum of 6 months to work through my emotions and see how my husband continues to acts before making a final decision. If he can keep up what he is doing and prove to me he is 200% dedicated and commited then I am prepared to move forward with R. I am trying to live in the moment as much as I can (which isnt very often right now) and move forward as though we will reconcile, everything being on my terms. I want to believe in him and us but at the same time I am prepared to leave if that is what it comes down to. I have family and a support system that will help me. We start MC this week and I am hopeful that will help.

 

I hope my rose colored glasses arn't too dark and I am just being naive but I love my husband and family.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have decided that I am going to give myself a minimum of 6 months to work through my emotions and see how my husband continues to acts before making a final decision. If he can keep up what he is doing and prove to me he is 200% dedicated and commited then I am prepared to move forward with R.

 

You may find the success of R less dependent on what he is capable of and more tied to your journey and progress. Six months will go by fast, not much time to pull back the curtains and really figure things out.

 

Hope you find what you need...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You may find the success of R less dependent on what he is capable of and more tied to your journey and progress. Six months will go by fast, not much time to pull back the curtains and really figure things out.

 

Hope you find what you need...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yes, I have for sure thought about that and we both are aware that my decision may end up being the opposite of what I am feeling right now. He has a lot of work to do but I understand that I do as well, not just in MC working on what is wrong with our marriage but also working on myself and it may very well lead me in a different direction. It is still really fresh for me as I am only in my 3rd week of discovery and my emotions are still all over the place but I am committed to at least trying right now while I allow myself some time to heal a little bit as well as work on me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Saturday will make 3 weeks since my dday and so far my WH is saying and doing everything right according to what I have read about someone who is truly remorseful. I am taking that with a grain of salt because I have also read that true remorse takes time and it is unlikely to happen this quick. I dont know. He sticks by his story that it was 4 times (1 oral, 3 Intercourse) over a 4 month period and that he ended it 4 months prior to me finding out. He said he realized what he was doing and what he could lose. He swears there was no emotional connection that it was just sex and feeling wanted. But really 4 times in 4 months, is that really believable? He says he will take a polly graph but he also knows that would be a hardship right now.

 

I want to contact the OW and see what her story is. He says he will support and do anything I want but he doesnt think its a good idea. Thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Horrible idea. She owes you nothing. Part of reconciliation with your husband is learning to trust him again. If you cannot trust that he's telling the truth then it isn't working.

 

Totally depends on their schedules, maybe that's all they had time for. Maybe there was a lot of flirting and emotional stuff in between.

 

But, no. Do not contact the OW. No good will come of it. She could very well lie if she's upset that she lost him to you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted

I would call her and tell her off. I wouldn't expect peace, or answers, or truth, or anything. I would just tell her off. It is very satisfying later on.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would call her and tell her off. I wouldn't expect peace, or answers, or truth, or anything. I would just tell her off. It is very satisfying later on.

 

Let's see:

OW: a complete stranger to the BW. OW had no relationship and no connection with the BW. Her role was to engage in an affair with WH.

 

WH: I assume he dated BW, built hopes and dreams with her, then got married with family and friends all present at the wedding where he said his vows to never betray his wife's trust. Then he goes off and has sex with another woman because he "wanted to feel wanted"--so he didn't feel wanted enough after building that many years of relationship with his BW?

 

And now the offered suggestion is to "tell off" the OW for "satisfaction" while continuing to share a bed with the man who broke his marriage vow.

 

Umm.. the biggest culprit is the WH, not the OW. It is the WH who chose to unzip his pants; it's the WH who was then basking in newly found "I'm so wanted" feeling.

 

I mean, please do take off the steam by screaming at the minor criminal while making peace and building a future with the major mastermind and the lead criminal.

 

Seems a bit off balanced...Don't you think??

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Horrible idea. She owes you nothing. Part of reconciliation with your husband is learning to trust him again. If you cannot trust that he's telling the truth then it isn't working.

 

Totally depends on their schedules, maybe that's all they had time for. Maybe there was a lot of flirting and emotional stuff in between.

 

But, no. Do not contact the OW. No good will come of it. She could very well lie if she's upset that she lost him to you.

 

Yes it does sound like a horrible idea. dPass, it's a very true and insightful comment you made "Part of reconciliation with your husband is learning to trust him again. If you cannot trust that he's telling the truth then it isn't working."

 

I do not have any suggestion for you OP; it is a very tricky and painful situation you are placed in. I have a few thoughts to add though:

 

With only three weeks after Dday, if your mind is constantly hovering over doubts: "WHAT IF my husband is still lying to me...", then it's hard to focus on rebuilding the trust back again. From the wording of the post, it sounds like there's a nagging suspicion at the back of your mind. This sort of subtle quiet doubt can actually do more damage to your psyche than the affair itself. You may be living with this splinter in your mind that you now have to deal with quietly and alone for a long time. Reconciliation can be near impossible with that sort of nagging negative thoughts.

 

There are SO many WS that we hear about in this site who keep hiding information long after Dday, who continue to lie to their BS only to save their own selves. In all honesty, if I were in your shoes right now, I would not know what to believe in.

 

It is a bad idea to contact the OW--but it's also a tricky situation. If contacting OW gives you the confirmation you need, then as bad as the idea may be, it may be worth it.

 

Yet at the same time here's the third consideration:

Speaking from my own experience as a xOW, I promised my xMM (out of care and love) that even if his wife suspected or questioned, I would back him with whatever story he wanted to tell her just so that his marriage didn't blow up and his life didn't get completely ruined. It's a sick and dysfunctional mindset, but do realize that most all OWs "stand by" their MMs' lies out of care and lingering love long after the affair is over.

Yes I know it is sick, but such is the reality.

 

And all that means is that as the BW you may never really know the truth based on what the OW tells you.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain and confusion you feel now.

 

May I suggest that you tell your husband that you are finding it very difficult to trust with this nagging suspicion that he may not be telling you the whole truth. And then ask him for what he thinks you should do about the doubts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...