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Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]


RegretfulOM

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RegretfulOM

I certainly don't expect sympathy on here. I have been a serial cheater for years. Exclusively with single women (until now), and usually flings that lasted 4 to 8 months. I was always upfront with my APs about the fact I was married. They always said they were okay with NSA, so I figured it was all good. Well....over the years I learned this wasn't always the case. I got into multiple situations where I either had to end it because they became too attached, or...they ended it, in disgust because thy realized I was happy with things as they were, and had no desire to be in a real relationship. I freely admit that it was always a sex thing for me. I was never emotionally attached. I didn't future fake, but I did spoil them a lot, which in retrospect probably made some of them fall for me. So why I am I here?

 

I have fallen completely head over heels in love with the only AP I have ever had that is also married. In all honesty I'm not sure how it happened. All I know is that it began when I started breaking my rules for her. I always had a thing against seeing married women, but we clicked so well that I let it go. We were in bed together within three days of meeting. The attraction was that strong. As we have gotten to know one another she confessed that she is also a serial cheater. I thought it was a good thing we had that in common. I figured she wouldn't catch feelings, I never thought I would fall for her. Now that I have I realize she has me compartmentalized. This hurts because I've never felt an emotional connection with anyone the way I do with her. The sex is also amazing. I honestly want to be with her and only her. I am willing to do whatever it takes, including getting a divorce.

 

I told her how I felt and its obvious this is just another fling for her. She kind of laughed and told me not to get all serious on her. This hurts because even though I can keep seeing her, I know she doesn't feel what I feel. So I feel like I am in limbo. If I don't see her at all I'd be devastated, if I do see her its a reminder of what I can never completely have. I guess this is payback for my past. I know this is going to end badly for me. But I feel like all I can do is hold on, because letting go would be more painful I guess??? Sorry...just needed a place to vent, and this is the only forum like this I have seen.

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EverySunset

Why are you regretful? That you finally met your mirror in a woman, fell for her (of course) but the catch is... You don't leave? You never do? So you break your rules and realize the mirror won't?

 

I do feel your pain but that bit of irony was too much not to mention first.

 

Can you give us more details, such as how long you've been going out, if you've got children at home (does your mirror woman?) and so forth? At this point you've been only vague enough for generalities. Without more, we may only be able to be vague in return.

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I am laughing which is mean but I think you should brace yourself because you are about to be pummeled. The primary audience here is OW who are in so much pain because they fell in love with a dude like you or the BS who is married to one like you.

 

Honestly, though, if you do want a tiny bit of positive advice, I would say you better not see her anymore because you will get a broken heart, wreck your marriage and not get her.

 

Love is certainly a pain. I always think of the line in the movie, Pride and Prejudice, "not everyone can afford to be romantic" and it meant that sometimes marriage has a more social purpose that you have to pick the one you are with or who will have you. I think this might be one of those times.

 

It will be fun to see what everyone else writes!

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The following was quoted by a previous LS member.

 

"Unless both of you are ready to leave your primary relationships on your own accord (not for each other), you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day she or you will disappear because your partners find out. He will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment."

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Maybe it would be good to get some counseling to address the fact that you're a serial cheater. I don't think your biggest problem is that you're in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way.

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whichwayisup

She's the male version of you. ;):p

 

Bit of karma happening here. Has it made you stop and think about changing your ways? Meaning fixing yourself and stop cheating on your wife?

 

That pain you feel, you inflicted on those OW..even though you were honest with them, you still hurt them - like this MW has hurt you.

 

Anyway, you think you love her but really, don't you know her well. You're caught up in the affair feelings, lust and attraction. This woman, like you, is a serial cheater and has no intention of ending her marriage or changing her life to start new life with someone else.

 

You have to end it and stay away from her, if you don't you'll end up hurting and also think about what you're doing to your wife. Maybe it's time to refocus, get some counseling and fix 'you' so you can live an honest life.

 

What's going on inside you that has made you decide to cheat and betray your wife? Why haven't you just divorced if you're unhappy? Have you thought about how your wife would react if she caught you having numerous affairs? Just stuff for you to think about..

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She's the male version of you. ;):p

 

Bit of karma happening here. Has it made you stop and think about changing your ways? Meaning fixing yourself and stop cheating on your wife?

 

That pain you feel, you inflicted on those OW..even though you were honest with them, you still hurt them - like this MW has hurt you.

 

Anyway, you think you love her but really, don't you know her well. You're caught up in the affair feelings, lust and attraction. This woman, like you, is a serial cheater and has no intention of ending her marriage or changing her life to start new life with someone else.

 

You have to end it and stay away from her, if you don't you'll end up hurting and also think about what you're doing to your wife. Maybe it's time to refocus, get some counseling and fix 'you' so you can live an honest life.

 

What's going on inside you that has made you decide to cheat and betray your wife? Why haven't you just divorced if you're unhappy? Have you thought about how your wife would react if she caught you having numerous affairs? Just stuff for you to think about..

 

Yes to the above,

Let's hear your feelings about it. Why were you willing to risk hurting your wife and all the Owomen? Were you in an unhappy marriage or just a player who couldn't help yourself?

 

What made this woman different? Maybe because she is married??

 

Love to hear more from you,

Cheers,

Poppy.

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purestofpain
I am laughing which is mean but I think you should brace yourself because you are about to be pummeled. The primary audience here is OW who are in so much pain because they fell in love with a dude like you or the BS who is married to one like you.

 

Honestly, though, if you do want a tiny bit of positive advice, I would say you better not see her anymore because you will get a broken heart, wreck your marriage and not get her.

 

Love is certainly a pain. I always think of the line in the movie, Pride and Prejudice, "not everyone can afford to be romantic" and it meant that sometimes marriage has a more social purpose that you have to pick the one you are with or who will have you. I think this might be one of those times.

 

It will be fun to see what everyone else writes!

 

I'm mean too - I rolled my eyes and laughed when I was reading this thread. This is indeed karma and may all MMs go through the same.

 

On a side note, I'm also curious what is it abt this particular one that's different. Could it be the allure of having what you can't have i.e. She's married and you can't have her fully vs the previous ones who were single and available?

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I'm mean too - I rolled my eyes and laughed when I was reading this thread. This is indeed karma and may all MMs go through the same.

 

On a side note, I'm also curious what is it abt this particular one that's different. Could it be the allure of having what you can't have i.e. She's married and you can't have her fully vs the previous ones who were single and available?

 

Let's give the man a fair go here. It would be interesting to know more.

 

Poppy.

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Well we can all roll out the - she'll never leave her husband - she does not really care for you - she's lying to you - she just likes the sex - you are going to get very hurt - even if she did leave how could you ever trust her - etc. etc. etc.

But you know all that already from the other side.

 

Truth is you are now addicted and like any addiction you need to want to stop before you can move forward.

I don't think you have reached that point yet.

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RegretfulOM

Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age. I always told myself I was staying for them. Regarding my marriage I wouldn't say it is bad, but we married really young. I didn't know myself then the way I do now. If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

I've gone to IC multiple times but couldn't stop. I didn't think of myself as a bad person, just not a good fit for monogamy. That's all changed now though. I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together. Its to the point that I don't even look at other women like I used to. I used to always be open to entertaining others, now she is the only one I want.

 

Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive. But once I got to know her I realized she is also smart and funny. I just connect with her in a way that I have never experienced before. It almost feels spiritual.

 

This role reversal has not been fun. I can't have what I want so I just have to settle for what she is willing to give. According to her, her partner meets all her needs except sex, so thats probably all she is in it for. I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same? The sad thing is I should be focusing on home but I can't. I spend my time thinking about how to win her. I think I am in love for the first time.

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RegretfulOM
I'm mean too - I rolled my eyes and laughed when I was reading this thread. This is indeed karma and may all MMs go through the same.

 

On a side note, I'm also curious what is it abt this particular one that's different. Could it be the allure of having what you can't have i.e. She's married and you can't have her fully vs the previous ones who were single and available?

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The ironic part of this is that me and her talked about our past APs. Neither of us understood why some can't let go and randomly reach out months or even years after things have ended. I honestly thought of the guys that wanted her back as lesser men. I thought me falling for her was impossible. My last AP warned me about getting involved with this woman. I thought she was only saying it because she wanted us to keep seeing each other. She was right though. Being with a serial cheater is nothing like the relationships I had before. I feel like I am in a box. We go to a hotel for a few hours then I don't hear from her for another week. We text but not as often as would like. Lately when I send an emotional text her replies are business like and more concerned about when/where is the next meet up.

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Midwestmissy

I think you should ask your wife how you should proceed. Something tells me you will no longer have this horrible privilege, I mean burden, of a wife and family.

 

I wonder if you're not her priority because she's been ranked below all the women you've cheated with? Even when I didn't know about my wh affair, I knew I was being treated poorly. You're not as discreet as you think. She's putting her efforts where she's getting satisfaction, and it's not you because you're busy pursuing other women. You're pouring effort into a mow and it makes you feel good. You are actively neglecting your family's needs no matter how you manipulate your reasons. You're rewriting your marital history to justify the new love. Your wife is focused on the children you have together, you're stepping outside the marriage, yet you blame her. That's pretty rich. I'm not saying she's a perfect wife, but she's perfectly entitled to know her health is in danger and to know what a sham her marriage is. You sound a bit like that spoilt girl in Willy Wonka: I WANT MORE! This new woman will not be the answer until you figure out why you give yourself permission to cheat. You're not chasing new tail, you're running away from your life like a scared child and calling it sexy.

 

Tell your wife, then your brain will no longer be saddled with this tough decision and you'll be free, and you'll no longer be a cheater, just a single guy on the prowl. Easy peasy. I think you're here because you've got a a voice deep in your head telling you what a mess you've made - I think you have a conscience, so do the manly thing and shut this s&&it down.

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waterwoman
I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

You 'feel'. You 'think'. That is no basis for any decision. Perhaps you should consult her on this matter which, after all, affects her as much as you.

 

I really think the OW is an irrelevance until you have made a decision about your marriage.

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Agree with missy

 

"I read that MM usually think they aren't getting enough at home, when the truth is they aren't giving enough."

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I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same?.

Said just about by every besotted OW here too.

 

Did YOU ever feel the same?

Or were you more concerned about getting rid of them as soon as they showed their feelings and things got complicated?

 

YOUR MW has been very upfront here, she is not looking for a husband replacement or an exit affair, NO, she just wants sex and fun. She has not future faked, nor does she seem involved at all.

YOU are the only one writing the love story, from her perspective you are a f. buddy - nothing more nothing less.

I guess she, apart from her cheating ways is more marriage material than the single OWs you had. She is up there with your wife, you could leave your marriage for her, BUT that is NOT what she has in mind. I guess you are not in the same league as her husband.

 

She is a challenge and you like that, but that is where many OWs are too. They think they are so special that who could turn them down, especially when in competition with a "dowdy" wife, but that is not really how it works and they find that out to their cost.

So when their MM doesn't leave, when he chooses his wife, it is not just a heartbreak, it is a huge blow to their ego too...

 

I think you are setting yourself up to fail here.

Maybe part of you feels you deserve to hurt just a little bit, part of you feels you deserve some punishment.

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There was a thread not too long ago in the Infidelity forum about a guy who couldn't stop cheating on his W. There may be some incites you can glean from that experience strictly about the cheating aspect. That assumes you think the cheating is an issue.

 

I think the current AP is just going to eventually cut you off and find someone else because she doesn't want to deal with your emotions coming into play.

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loveisanaction

Gosh Man! You've been cheating on your wife and now to add insult to injury you have fallen for your latest affair partner.

 

Your affair partner has a husband who probably loves her. Do you know how devastating it is for a man to find out that another man has been sleeping with his wife? Have you even read the stories of men who have found out that their wives are cheating on them? If you could read the excruciating pain in their stories you would step the hell away from this woman. Men are not as forgiving when it comes to other men touching their wives.

 

....and where are your wife's feelings in all of this? You're so worried about your affair partner and how much you've fallen for her her that you seem to have forgotten the woman you said your vows to; what about her? Who is loving her? If you don't love her anymore then set her free. Give her the option to find a man who will fall for her just as you have fallen for another woman.

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HappyAgain2014
Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age. I always told myself I was staying for them. Regarding my marriage I wouldn't say it is bad, but we married really young. I didn't know myself then the way I do now. If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

I've gone to IC multiple times but couldn't stop. I didn't think of myself as a bad person, just not a good fit for monogamy. That's all changed now though. I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together. Its to the point that I don't even look at other women like I used to. I used to always be open to entertaining others, now she is the only one I want.

 

Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive. But once I got to know her I realized she is also smart and funny. I just connect with her in a way that I have never experienced before. It almost feels spiritual.

 

This role reversal has not been fun. I can't have what I want so I just have to settle for what she is willing to give. According to her, her partner meets all her needs except sex, so thats probably all she is in it for. I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same? The sad thing is I should be focusing on home but I can't. I spend my time thinking about how to win her. I think I am in love for the first time.

 

What you're really experiencing here is buying into a fantasy. How do you know she's the one if you spend all of your time in bed? Other than her being a sexual dynamo and serial cheater who looks like a movie star, what do you know about her? Is she a mother? Does she have any interest in being a step mother to your kids? Is she worth forcing your wife to lose her children 50% of he time if you divorce and share custody?

 

Kids tend to cramp the style of sexual dynamos. Do you really want to be sitting at home during your parenting time watching cartoons while your dream woman is out satisfying her needs elsewhere?

 

If you ended up with your AP, it's only a matter of time before one or both of you is cheating. In the meantime, the suspicion between you would be worse than how you are feeling right now. Two conflict avoidant cheaters might have great sex however they won't have a great relationship with stability for children.

 

You feel this way because she has the upper hand. Clearly you're used to being in control. She's playing with you and will move on when the game becomes too much work.

 

If you really want to demonstrate your intentions, man up and file for divorce. Until then, all you're doing is talking. Being a cheater herself, your AP knows that.

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You get to see the best side of her because it's an affair believe me. A full time relationship with her isn't what you need. She loves cheating just like you ....she doesn't want to find the 'one'. She likes having a husband and a host of other men too.

 

At some point you felt your wife was the one. What would change in the same regard to your MW in time? You'd soon be tired and out chasing another willing OW. I don't feel sympathy for them as they knew the score to begin with.

 

What you like is a stable home and multiple flings ... otherwise why not get divorced and have every willing woman there is?

 

I just feel sorry for you really. Sorry that your life is all about cheating.

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whichwayisup
Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age. I always told myself I was staying for them. Regarding my marriage I wouldn't say it is bad, but we married really young. I didn't know myself then the way I do now. If I had it to do all over again I would have chosen differently. I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

Have you told any of this to your wife? Communicated how you feel and why? If no, why not? If yes, then why not talk about an open marriage? Going outside your marriage has only pushed you further away from your wife. Imagine if you two had worked together and reconnected, you put the same effort into her instead of those other women. You say "i think sex is just a duty for her", tell her this exactly and how it makes you feel neglected and last on her list.

 

I've gone to IC multiple times but couldn't stop. I didn't think of myself as a bad person, just not a good fit for monogamy. That's all changed now though. I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together. Its to the point that I don't even look at other women like I used to. I used to always be open to entertaining others, now she is the only one I want.

 

You're not a bad person, you're just doing something bad to your wife and betraying your family unit. Risking everything. It's selfish and self serving.

 

Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive. But once I got to know her I realized she is also smart and funny. I just connect with her in a way that I have never experienced before. It almost feels spiritual.

 

This role reversal has not been fun. I can't have what I want so I just have to settle for what she is willing to give. According to her, her partner meets all her needs except sex, so thats probably all she is in it for. I am hoping that if we keep going eventually she will feel the same? The sad thing is I should be focusing on home but I can't. I spend my time thinking about how to win her. I think I am in love for the first time.

 

Are you saying you never felt "in love" with your wife? If this is true, then you need to divorce her and allow her to be with someone who loves her, can openly communicate their needs and not cheat on her. Settling for the kids sake isn't going to help in the long run.

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RecentChange

Continuing this will be more painful than if you just rip off the bandaid.

 

Man up and break up with her. She will understand ans make it easy for you to do so, and you know its the right thing to do.

 

She will never fall for you like you have for her.

 

Signed - the formerly married OW who was also very good at compartmentalizing.

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Several of you have asked for more details. I do have two children that are elementary school age.

...

I know I would never cheat on my AP if we were together.

...

Whats so special about her? At first I noticed her because she is movie star/model attractive.

 

I'm sorry, I'm an unmarried dude just reading and I hate your very essence as a man, a father, and a human. I hope you come out of the tumble wash a broken scarred man so you can heal and be a real human someday. Maybe in future lives because I think you'll be a bug for the next one.

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Strategically speaking, you could tell her husband secretly in the hopes that he divorces her and then she would be free from her real commitment to pursue a deeper more meaningful relationship with you.

 

 

It's an option anyways.

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