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7 years later


Mrs.Delicate

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Mrs.Delicate

I am looking for some advice on how to deal with triggers and building my confidence back. My husband's affair was 7 years ago, and daily I am reminded of it. Some days, it is fine and it is part of my life; I am able to move on. Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers. My confidence in myself is gone. I do not have that feeling of being his one and only. I do not have the confidence that I can keep him.

 

How do I just move on? I feel rather pathetic still dealing with this 7 years later. Ij ust want heal this part that is holding me back. Any good books worth reading?

 

I really appreciate your advice.

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If you are still having this much trouble after 7 years, I'd say those are questions for a professional counselor.

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My confidence in myself is gone. I do not have that feeling of being his one and only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is your husband doing everything that he can to help you with this?

Are you doing everything to build yourself up?

You seem to not have progressed enough for 7 years.

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Mrs.Delicate

We went individually and together for help over the years. I obviously, am not doing all I can to build myself up. I am sitting here asking myself how I can do that?

As for my husband, I am not sure how he could help. I feel like this is my mental road block that I have to break through. My thoughts exactly on my progress.

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... this is my mental road block.

 

This was me at my IC this week. I've been given specific tasks to start reprogramming my faulty wiring. I wish I had better advice. Mrs John Adams might have some light to shed...

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It may be an individual process you have to go through. But at the same time it may be a signal that this marriage can't be fixed.

 

If you wait long enough, for 7 years next to a monkey, there is always a chance for him to learn how to talk. maybe next year, maybe after 20 years. But there is also a chance that he will never speak. Ever! Because he's a monkey... :):)

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... Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers. My confidence in myself is gone. I do not have that feeling of being his one and only. I do not have the confidence that I can keep him.

 

How do I just move on? I feel rather pathetic still dealing with this 7 years later.

...

We went individually and together for help over the years. I obviously, am not doing all I can to build myself up. I am sitting here asking myself how I can do that?

As for my husband, I am not sure how he could help.

Well, first of all, give yourself some credit for doing this. You'll get lots of insight here.

 

But I relate to everything you're saying. I went to counseling for 9 months at about the 2-year mark. It pulled me out of a deep, dark hole and got me on my feet again, but it didn't make rout out all the doubts and sadness. It didn't bring back pervasive feelings of well-being, even occasional exuberance or passion for certain things.

 

The loss of confidence is the most difficult and profound for me because it's so private. No one has a clue because I'm so much better than in the beginning and seemingly normal functioning.

 

And, yes, the triggers, too. They're not as many, but there're there from time to time. Actually he's is more helpful now than he was before. I think it's easier for him because that's all he has to do - support me.

 

So I'm thinking, on reading your struggle and its similarity to mine, that maybe we plateaued and don't have the tools to take it up another notch. Maybe we need a new infusion of hope from another round of counseling. Not sure that I can afford it right now, but within that year.

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Mrs. John Adams

My BS still has an occasional trigger...after 33 years. I am certain that at 7 years he was triggering daily.

 

First....it is your husbands job to make you feel safe....if he is failing to do that then you need to address why.

 

Has he given you complete transparency? Do you SEE remorse? Is he aware of your pain? How does he help you deal with it?

 

This is as much about him as it is about you....and if he is failing to provide you the things you need...you will of course trigger.

 

Triggers are nothing more than memories....they exist forever. It is the REACTION to those memories we can learn to control....if we have the proper tools to do so.

 

Have you and your husband read how to help your spouse heal from your affair? by linda macdonald

 

It is a short book packed with information that can certainly be very helpful...

 

It is what finally helped us ....it is good for you because it helps you to vocalize your needs and expectations...and it is good for him because it makes him aware of those same things and helps the wayward to "help" his betrayed. You must be able to tell your spouse when you trigger...and he must reassure you through it. It is truly an exercise in trust...if he shows you remorse...you can show forgiveness. It is amazing how that then can calm your mind and stop those nasty mind triggers from taking over.

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I am looking for some advice on how to deal with triggers and building my confidence back. My husband's affair was 7 years ago, and daily I am reminded of it. Some days, it is fine and it is part of my life; I am able to move on. Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers. My confidence in myself is gone. I do not have that feeling of being his one and only. I do not have the confidence that I can keep him.

 

How do I just move on? *I feel rather pathetic still dealing with this 7 years later. Ij ust want heal this part that is holding me back. Any good books worth reading?

 

I really appreciate your advice.

 

*You're anything but pathetic.

 

You should be commended for doing what you have to repair and maintain your marriage.

 

Try to accept your feelings without making negative judgements about yourself.

 

Instead, you should honour your feelings, and view them as a natural and normal reaction.

 

As someone once said to me:

 

 

The wound will heal, but there will always be a scar.

 

 

Such is life.

 

 

Take care.

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How did your WH meet the OW, work, sport/hobby club, neighbor?

 

 

Is there total NC?

Do you ever run into the OW?

Does your husband still own the same car he had his affair with?

Has your WH answered all of your questions about the affair?

Do you often have to drive past places where your WH had his affair?

 

 

All of these things will effect your recovery.

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1) My husband's affair was 7 years ago, and daily I am reminded of it. Some days, it is fine and it is part of my life; I am able to move on. Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers.

 

2) My confidence in myself is gone.

 

3) I do not have that feeling of being his one and only.

 

4) I do not have the confidence that I can keep him.

 

 

 

I broke these apart, because for me at 11 years now I have separated these issues. I hope you might get something from these.

 

1) Understandable and normal. Happens to me - primarily due to somethings still missing in my marriage. There are various ways to cope, I try to focus on/or switch to other things I am grateful or - or pleased about in my life - or other things going on in my life.

 

2) This was a big deal for me. I think the most important deal for me (or anyone). Self Esteem and confidence issues. I had to see individual therapy for my self esteem and also worked on my self (exercise, activities, and more). I had to address a kind of larger and longer term issue with Self Esteem that existed long before I got married. It was tough but important to work all this out.

 

3) Ya I get that - really get that. It hurts. I don't mean to trivialize this - but his loss as well right ? I mean basically lost the "Feeling" of my wife being MY one and only after all the crap hit the fan. So sometimes I start to think "Well I am not THE man - the best - etc for her" and then I think "Well hmpfff! SHE is not mine either !". Its kind of a realistic view and perhaps cynical - but it makes it less of a one way street and more of a shoulder shrug now. There is no one and only for either of us - or either of you. There are just choices and other people you could love and they could love you - and hurt you too.

 

4) This was a major concern for me during the first 1-4 years. She was going to cheat... or communicate or see other man/men or whatever. I am going to loose her - Worry Worry Worry - Spy Spy Spy. But while I was working on myself - my self confidence, my attitude, my appearance, etc.. my wife actually began to worry about me. She actually thought I was having an affair, and I see her worry now. As she should. You need to change the power dynamic - your husband might not be able to keep YOU - how about that thought?.

Edited by dichotomy
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Just speaking for myself, but I found that doing things that built up my confidence outside of my marriage helped to build it up within it.

 

You can also do things as a couple that can help to build your faith in you relationship.

 

For instance, you could think of all the things you have always wanted to try but never felt confident enough to do so. Pick one of the easier things, and start there. You can do this by taking a class or signing up to be part of a group that does it. It could be anything from gourmet cooking to skydiving. A friend of mine who was terrified of pubic speaking joined Toastmasters, and it was amazing to see the change. It was hard at first, but she kept at it and really blossomed. She began to feel that she deserved to be loved and was someone who had a lot to offer.

 

In my situation, I started volunteering, and found I really enjoyed it and had a lot of ability I hadn't realized. I ended up having a knack for writing, and ended up on the boards of directors for several large not for profits groups as a board secretary. I'm going deaf now, so have had to give that part up, but was able to use what I learned to stat a new career.

 

it's important that these self esteem boosters be accomplished on your own, because that's where confidence lies, within yourself. Your husband can't give you that. When you start to see more value in yourself, you can start to understand why your husband will want to stay.

 

When it comes to confidence in you and your husband as a couple, again, trying new things can really build the bond between you. Talk to him and find out if there is something he has always wanted to try or somewhere he has always wnated to go and do it. It's a small step, but it these kinds of things that can rebuild your relationship in concrete terms that goes beyond words. It also builds shared memories and writes your "story" as a couple.

 

Also, work together on the day to day minutiae that can be somewhat boring. For example, make dinner together if you can. Put on some music and cook. It can be a lot of fun and builds your bond. Again, this can strengthen your relationship without pressure to do so. The same is true for redecorating room in your house, planning and caring for a garden, etc.

 

These ideas aren't monumental, and they will take time. In my experience, the things that work slowly are the most effective at allowing you to trust in his love for you again.

 

Finally, accept that triggers will happen. It's the nature of the beast. that being said, you can own them and not let them own you. Face them head on.

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I broke these apart, because for me at 11 years now I have separated these issues. I hope you might get something from these.

 

1) Understandable and normal. Happens to me - primarily due to somethings still missing in my marriage. There are various ways to cope, I try to focus on/or switch to other things I am grateful or - or pleased about in my life - or other things going on in my life.

 

2) This was a big deal for me. I think the most important deal for me (or anyone). Self Esteem and confidence issues. I had to see individual therapy for my self esteem and also worked on my self (exercise, activities, and more). I had to address a kind of larger and longer term issue with Self Esteem that existed long before I got married. It was tough but important to work all this out.

 

3) Ya I get that - really get that. It hurts. I don't mean to trivialize this - but his loss as well right ? I mean basically lost the "Feeling" of my wife being MY one and only after all the crap hit the fan. So sometimes I start to think "Well I am not THE man - the best - etc for her" and then I think "Well hmpfff! SHE is not mine either !". Its kind of a realistic view and perhaps cynical - but it makes it less of a one way street and more of a shoulder shrug now. There is no one and only for either of us - or either of you. There are just choices and other people you could love and they could love you - and hurt you too.

 

4) This was a major concern for me during the first 1-4 years. She was going to cheat... or communicate or see other man/men or whatever. I am going to loose her - Worry Worry Worry - Spy Spy Spy. But while I was working on myself - my self confidence, my attitude, my appearance, etc.. my wife actually began to worry about me. She actually thought I was having an affair, and I see her worry now. As she should. You need to change the power dynamic - your husband might not be able to keep YOU - how about that thought?.

Awesome, awesome post. Very moving for me.
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Just speaking for myself, but I found that doing things that built up my confidence outside of my marriage helped to build it up within it.

 

You can also do things as a couple that can help to build your faith in you relationship.

 

For instance, you could think of all the things you have always wanted to try but never felt confident enough to do so. Pick one of the easier things, and start there. You can do this by taking a class or signing up to be part of a group that does it. It could be anything from gourmet cooking to skydiving. A friend of mine who was terrified of pubic speaking joined Toastmasters, and it was amazing to see the change. It was hard at first, but she kept at it and really blossomed. She began to feel that she deserved to be loved and was someone who had a lot to offer.

 

In my situation, I started volunteering, and found I really enjoyed it and had a lot of ability I hadn't realized. I ended up having a knack for writing, and ended up on the boards of directors for several large not for profits groups as a board secretary. I'm going deaf now, so have had to give that part up, but was able to use what I learned to stat a new career.

 

it's important that these self esteem boosters be accomplished on your own, because that's where confidence lies, within yourself. Your husband can't give you that. When you start to see more value in yourself, you can start to understand why your husband will want to stay.

 

When it comes to confidence in you and your husband as a couple, again, trying new things can really build the bond between you. Talk to him and find out if there is something he has always wanted to try or somewhere he has always wnated to go and do it. It's a small step, but it these kinds of things that can rebuild your relationship in concrete terms that goes beyond words. It also builds shared memories and writes your "story" as a couple.

 

Also, work together on the day to day minutiae that can be somewhat boring. For example, make dinner together if you can. Put on some music and cook. It can be a lot of fun and builds your bond. Again, this can strengthen your relationship without pressure to do so. The same is true for redecorating room in your house, planning and caring for a garden, etc.

 

These ideas aren't monumental, and they will take time. In my experience, the things that work slowly are the most effective at allowing you to trust in his love for you again.

 

Finally, accept that triggers will happen. It's the nature of the beast. that being said, you can own them and not let them own you. Face them head on.

I love your posts, mcB. So practical and usable. Really.
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Mrs. D - These are all extremely useful and incisive posts. I would suggest

 

- Making a sticky of Satu's advice not to push away your feelings:

You should be commended for doing what you have to repair and maintain your marriage.

 

Try to accept your feelings without making negative judgements about yourself.

 

Instead, you should honour your feelings, and view them as a natural and normal reaction.

- Seriously consider the recommendations to go back to counseling.

 

- Take road's questions with you:

How did your WH meet the OW, work, sport/hobby club, neighbor?

Is there total NC?

Do you ever run into the OW?

Does your husband still own the same car he had his affair with?

Has your WH answered all of your questions about the affair?

Do you often have to drive past places where your WH had his affair?

- Take heart in the similar experiences shared.

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Lois_Griffin
I am looking for some advice on how to deal with triggers and building my confidence back. My husband's affair was 7 years ago, and daily I am reminded of it. Some days, it is fine and it is part of my life; I am able to move on. Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers. My confidence in myself is gone. I do not have that feeling of being his one and only. I do not have the confidence that I can keep him.

 

How do I just move on? I feel rather pathetic still dealing with this 7 years later. Ij ust want heal this part that is holding me back. Any good books worth reading?

 

I really appreciate your advice.

Well, I'm a hardass and realist.

 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe...just maybe...this was a deal breaker for you?

 

Every single day for the last 7 years has been stained in some way for you. It sounds like you've been desperately trying to find a way to be ok with this sh*t sandwich he fed you 7 years ago and guess what? You're not.

 

Is this man REALLY worth the price tag to your emotional health? I have yet to meet one who is and I doubt he's any better than any other cheater.

 

You should go read chumplady.com and get another point of view.

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whichwayisup

What has your husband done to make you feel secure and safe in the marriage? Has he shown you genuine remorse about what he did 7 years ago?

 

Some how you have to make peace with his bad choices and know that if he ever cheats on you again, you leave and divorce him. If he is going to cheat, he'll cheat, he'd be pretty selfish and cruel to put you through that all over again - But as I asked above, depending on his behaviour, how he's treated you since the A, gone complete NC with the exOW and has proved himself to you, been a better husband etc, then it's time for you to face the fears, seek counseling to help you cope with the triggers and put them in their place, learn to live in the now, not the past.

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[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2]Originally Posted by Mrs.Delicate

We went individually and together for help over the years.

I obviously, am not doing all I can to build myself up. I am sitting here asking myself how I can do that?

 

Did the counselor tell you how you can build yourself up?

 

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Mrs.Delicate

As for my husband, I am not sure how he could help. I feel like this is my mental road block that I have to break through. My thoughts exactly on my progress.

 

 

You mean to tell me that your counselor did no lay that out for both of you?

 

 

If your counselor did not give you ways to build yourself up and did not tell your husband how he can help then your counselor is a quack! On this thread you have been given some very good answers to your concerns from experienced people that have been there. If you want a book Mrs. JA has given you a good reference with the book by Linda McDonald.

I am a BS and at 7 years I had gone back to college and I completed my degree that I started 20 years earlier. In a addition I made a special effort to get closer with my family, and I got back into my faith and gained a lot of inter strength and forgiveness. I am now over 25 years of R and I almost never have any triggers and when I do they are very weak and only last a very short time.

 

 

I did not have any trouble finding out what to do; the hard part is for me was to DO WHAT I KNOW WILL GET ME BETTER. The one that can make the biggest difference in your situation is YOU! Get all the help that you can because others can help but it is going to boil down to you to do what will help you the most.

[/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

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I am looking for some advice on how to deal with triggers and building my confidence back. My husband's affair was 7 years ago, and daily I am reminded of it. Some days, it is fine and it is part of my life; I am able to move on. Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers. My confidence in myself is gone. I do not have that feeling of being his one and only. I do not have the confidence that I can keep him.

 

How do I just move on? I feel rather pathetic still dealing with this 7 years later. Ij ust want heal this part that is holding me back. Any good books worth reading?

 

I really appreciate your advice.

 

Confidence comes from within. No one but you can instill it in you.

 

Your husband can be doing all the right things, yet you may still not feel confident.

 

To gain confidence start achieving things on you own.

 

Go back to school.

 

Get good job, or start a business.

 

Workout at a gym and get a knockout body, no matter how old you are.

 

Those things will give you confidence.

 

Leaving your husband may make you feel vindicated, but it will not give you confidence.

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Betrayed&Stayed
Most of the time, I struggle with my triggers

 

What do you mean by "triggers" and "struggle"? Are triggers just reminders, or do they send you into a downward spiral of depression?

 

I have reminders all the time (music, TV shows, news articles, certain phrases, etc) but I'm usually not negatively affected by it. Some triggers are more powerful than others.

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I really appreciate your advice.

 

Just wanted to add.

 

Triggers will never go away. They will only lessen in duration and intensity, and the time span between triggers will lessen.

 

Triggers are normal.

 

They have nothing to do with confidence.

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Mrs.Delicate

I am so greatful to all of you for your input and advice. Every single post helped shed this new light for me. I now have so much weight taken off my shoulders. I am ready to get back to doing what I need to do. I had the most AMAZING day yesterday. I really took care of myself. Truly nurtured my whole being. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

 

Oldshirt, I do need to get back to therapy. I have been avoiding what I need to do. In my slump, I threw the towel in for awhile. Which only made things spiral in my head.

 

Mr.Blunt, I believe my husband has done everything he needs to do. I believe I can do more and as I learn what it is that is missing, he will be there.

 

Merrmeade, thank you for sharing. I hope that you too got something from others in here about working confidence.

 

Mrs.John Adams, yes my husband has given complete transparency. I do see remorse, very much so. He is aware of my pain and he is there for me, listens and he shares his input.

I am needing new tools, obviously. Thank you for the book, we will be reading that. When I trigger, I generally keep it to myself. I will start being much more vocal about them.

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Mrs. John Adams
I am so greatful to all of you for your input and advice. Every single post helped shed this new light for me. I now have so much weight taken off my shoulders. I am ready to get back to doing what I need to do. I had the most AMAZING day yesterday. I really took care of myself. Truly nurtured my whole being. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

 

Oldshirt, I do need to get back to therapy. I have been avoiding what I need to do. In my slump, I threw the towel in for awhile. Which only made things spiral in my head.

 

Mr.Blunt, I believe my husband has done everything he needs to do. I believe I can do more and as I learn what it is that is missing, he will be there.

 

Merrmeade, thank you for sharing. I hope that you too got something from others in here about working confidence.

 

Mrs.John Adams, yes my husband has given complete transparency. I do see remorse, very much so. He is aware of my pain and he is there for me, listens and he shares his input.

I am needing new tools, obviously. Thank you for the book, we will be reading that. When I trigger, I generally keep it to myself. I will start being much more vocal about them.

 

He needs to know when they happen.. First of all he needs to realize he caused them... My husbands triggers reminded me ... He suffers because of my choice. It hurts... I won't lie... But it also helps me to help him. If he doesn't tell me I cannot help .. Even if it is just a reassuring hug... Or a smile..

 

We got this babe... Me and you together...

 

I am so glad to hear your husband is doing his part. Things will continue to get better. It just takes baby steps.

 

We tend to want it to just be over. Yesterday... The reality is it takes time.

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When I trigger, I generally keep it to myself. I will start being much more vocal about them.

 

This is my problem, too. Our MC asked me why I think my husband's feelings are more important than mine. I kind of had an internal temper tantrum. After several hours of seething, it boiled down to my belief that my feelings will be a burden on my husband because he will be reminded and feel bad about the affair, that I think I can handle it on my own, and that it will preserve our marriage if I just keep my mouth shut. Us not talking, of course, is how the space for an affair was created in our marriage in the first place...

 

The more we talk about our triggers (because WH has some, too) the more we learn to support one another. I like to think of you being warning for what I'll be feeling 7 years out if I'm already having problems talking it through at 18 months... so, uh - thanks for making a mistake I can learn from ;) lol

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I had triggers for years, actually I still do, but for many years I did not tell my wife about the triggers. Sometimes she knew from my mood or facial expressions, but, I would guess she still did not know half the time that I triggered. The problems with not discussing them is they build up. It is like a ticking time bomb in you. They would keep getting more intense until I would go into a deep depression. The primary difference now is that I can openly discuss my triggers without feeling guilty that I could not "just get over it". So, 2 years out, 7 years out, 30 years out, you will have them the rest of your life. It is how you deal with it that makes life much easier.

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