Seperation or not - infidelity or not?

[captn]

story:

 

Hi all - i will aim to make this as concise and objective as possible and ideally would like thoughts on the following two items:

 

1.) Should i consider her actions excusable?

2.) Does she deserve me to continue the paperwork?

 

Background:

 

I had a turbulent relationship with my gf that were perhaps due to my decision to leave the country for work temporarily (15 months) before returning to marry her. the decision to marry came under pressure since she is a foreigner and we would noth otherwise have been able to continue the relationship. ideally I would have liked to have proposed without duress but that was jsut not possible. I married her hoping that with time the relationship would be able to improve.

 

Sadly, it did not. I do not believe it was intentional on any person's part: there were characteristics she required that i felt it was unfair for me to do and I wanted things that were not in her chracter. I could give plenty of examples - there were dozens of examples of little details become issues when they should not have been.

 

After living together for one year ( we had liven together 1 year while bf/gf, 1 year long distance nyc/london wiht monthly visits, and 1 year in nyc after i returned) we found the relationship too strenuous on both of us to continue. We agreed it was the best that we break up and move out of the house. She was on a permanent greencard at the time of breakup and it would remain temporary for 2 years until a final marriage interview took place. At the time of breakup she said we should divorce but i suggested that it would not hurt me to keep the marriage as it was since i did not see myself marrying anyone else. We did not file for divorce and i suggested it would likely be best that we do not talk to each other for a while until we have had time to heal.

 

Except for attempts by her to contact me during this separation period we did not talk to each other until about 6 months later because my job situation would force me to leave the city and because we were still married i told her we should talk because this might affect where you will decide to move.

 

I decided to ask her if she would liek to spend a day together on the weekend to communicate again since i would not be around much longer - and although i had preferred we wait longer to talk - i no longer have that luxury.

 

Main Part of the story:

 

After vistinga historical site we end the afternoon at a winery. While at the winery we have nice casual talk. In my head, i must admit the possibility of getting back together started to awaken because of this. However, after drinking some wine she gets a little tipsy and asks me if i am on tinder. She says that she is. I am like ok? I feel uncomfortable bc this is not a topic i want to go into. Then she asks me "have you been having lots of sex?" Again, its uncomfortable and i say no, actually i have not since we broke up. But now that cat is out of the bag - the discussion is on the table and i ask if she has and she says yes. This freezes me inside. I become very quiet because although logically i should not care and because logically it may only make sense that someone would after u break up - this one hits me hard. I ask her some details because i tell her at this point - it is better i get out all my questions before i get drunk and it gnaws me inside later.

 

I find out that she had a relationship for a couple of months pretty much immediately after we broke up. We broke up early september and she broke up with this guy early december - so couple of months implies september to november or october to december. I ride her home after this pretty quiet and she cries next to me asking me why it matters to me. I tell her its not good information that its very destructive information - that she should ahve lied. What possible positive response did she expect to have? what possible reason is there to even bring up that topic in such a fashion while i came ot restart communication?

 

to be honest, i am emotionally devastated because of the very short amount of time she took to do this with another person. If it was a trivial relationship maybe i wouldn't have had expectations but we were married and even if separated till married on paper so we would have to tlak again in the future.

 

I started to re-evaluate what kind of person she really must be. WHile she is crying next to me on the way home she tells me that (and i am not making this up) that she needed someone to wathc netflix with. That perhaps if i had spoken to her after the breakup she would have been a "good" girl. She claims that when i was in the hospital a month or two after the breakup and i told her it was not a good idea to visit she was desperate and someone this influenced her decision.

 

Anyway, because of this information i cannot ever see myself with her again. The images of her sleeping with someone else on such a short time period changes my view of her too much - the images of what she msut have done is too much as well.

 

Although i thought the papers would not affect me - keping them does affect me - since they require me to talk to her again in teh future and so she is always there in some way in teh future.

 

I have currently decided to begin the legla divorce proceedings so i cna disentangle myself emotionally and allow myself to move on. This will likely end with her being forced to leave her country and lose her job. This makes me feel bad but i feel like its no longer my responsibility to do that for her. In fact i feel likea dope if i do, she can go ahead and have this done by the person she is screwing - i told her the earlier we are divorced teh earlier you can marry someone else.

 

i realize the proper thing i should have done on the break-up is begin the divorce proceedings without regards to her situationwith the greencard. Howeveri still cared for her and thought it wouldn't affect me. That was false, it did, it kept the thread of hope alive which severly hurt me afterwards.

 

thougts?

 

 

An extra timeline on the events:

 

sep 1: break up

mid october: i break leg she contacts asks to visit, i tell her its not a good idea

november: she contats me asking if i would ever ask after her

december: she pleads to visit me before xmas

february: she asks if i would ever onsider getting back together (i reply that i don't that the relationship was not healthy and we are best apart)

march: i decide to contact her again bc i need to relocate

 

It was during sep to dec that she had her relationship with someone else - which she ended according to her bc he wanted something more serious and she did not. I don't think reasons matter so much? maybe only what we do?

[oldshirt]

IMHO it just seems like a whole lot of work and emotional turmoil for no benefit.

 

The divorce or not situation is really quite simple - if you are sincerely wanting to have a home and family with her and grow old together and sit on the porch sipping lemonade when you are 80, then you can look into working things out and remaining married.

 

If you don't see yourself in that situation, then divorce is the legitimate option.

 

Her visa and greencard and all of that is just extraneous details that are on her. He gaschnuckered you into marrying her so she could stay awhile so she won't have any trouble finding another chump.

 

The divorce will give you peace and give you the ability to find a legitimate partner. The other issues are for her deal with and work out.

[Darren Steez]

So you break up with her. She suggests divorce but you say no because you thought you were being a nice guy.

 

While broken up she sleeps with other/another guy(s)

 

So in essence she really hasn't done anything wrong, but if you need to do what you have to do then do it.

[captn]

yea i understand that logically it may not have been cheating but i am just massively disappointed that she could move to another relationship / have sex with another so quickly after our 4-5 year relationship

 

and when considering her greencard i think does she deserve it? when we first started dating way at the beginning she was actually going out with me while still with her ex and had lied to me when i asked her about it back then. she reationalized it saying we were't official together but it was cheating nonetheless.

 

then in the year i left to london after we lived in nyc i found out that she had kissed and sexted (messaged) another guy but there was no sex. that was obviously cheating.

 

now i find out that she moved on so quickly and it is just very easy for me to paint her in a terrible light and forget all her positives.

 

i feel like i need to kill every connection i have with her so i can move on mentally - dig out every kernel that may provide hope for the future and extinguish it

[road]

So you break up with her. She suggests divorce but you say no because you thought you were being a nice guy.

 

While broken up she sleeps with other/another guy(s)

 

So in essence she really hasn't done anything wrong, but if you need to do what you have to do then do it.

 

 

You dumped her.

 

 

Refused to let her see you.

 

 

See went out and got laid.

 

 

This what normally happens. She did nothing wrong.

[road]

yea i understand that logically it may not have been cheating but i am just massively disappointed that she could move to another relationship / have sex with another so quickly after our 4-5 year relationship

 

and when considering her greencard i think does she deserve it? when we first started dating way at the beginning she was actually going out with me while still with her ex and had lied to me when i asked her about it back then. she reationalized it saying we were't official together but it was cheating nonetheless.

 

then in the year i left to london after we lived in nyc i found out that she had kissed and sexted (messaged) another guy but there was no sex. that was obviously cheating.

 

now i find out that she moved on so quickly and it is just very easy for me to paint her in a terrible light and forget all her positives.

 

i feel like i need to kill every connection i have with her so i can move on mentally - dig out every kernel that may provide hope for the future and extinguish it

 

 

This is not a woman that I would want to marry.

[Darren Steez]

she reationalized it saying we were't official together but it was cheating nonetheless.

 

and yet you continued with the relationship despite this and are still surprised she slept with other dudes as soon as the chance presented itself.

 

then in the year i left to london after we lived in nyc i found out that she had kissed and sexted (messaged) another guy but there was no sex. that was obviously cheating.

and yet.....

 

now i find out that she moved on so quickly and it is just very easy for me to paint her in a terrible light and forget all her positives.

 

i feel like i need to kill every connection i have with her so i can move on mentally - dig out every kernel that may provide hope for the future and extinguish it

 

 

Bro this lady was waving red flags in your face from the word go and yet you're surprised she continues the behavior?

 

Divorce her and be done with it but don't be shocked she did what she did because you knew her history.

[Mr. Lucky]

She was on a permanent greencard at the time of breakup and it would remain temporary for 2 years until a final marriage interview took place.

 

Not sure I fully understand your timeline, but are you really considering committing immigration fraud for this woman?

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

Was it cheating? Who cares? You feel how you feel and it hurts the first time you know your Ex hooked up.

 

She was just moving on with her life and figured you were doing the same. Give her - and yourself - a break and follow through with the divorce.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I concur with the rest of the opinions here. You dumped her, you wanted nothing to do with her, not for lack of trying on her part, don't want to divorce her but want no contact (keeping options open in case things don't pan out for you otherwise?) then she moves on to have sex with other dudes and this makes you so angry that is seals the coffin?

 

Hmmmm...I think you are being a bit selfish with your expectations.

 

when we first started dating way at the beginning she was actually going out with me while still with her ex and had lied to me when i asked her about it back then. she reationalized it saying we were't official together but it was cheating nonetheless.

 

You introduce this piece of information, fine, but you chose to stay with her and build a relationship anyway regardless of her lying to you and the fact that she was a cheater. You can't now use that against her. If it was good enough to date her and commit to her then it has to be good enough to also see that what she did now to you wasn't cheating, it was sex AFTER you dumped her and she was well single again.

 

When you break up with someone you no longer get to define what they do beyond "you" (as in the two of you)