Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Before that title gets too confusing.. he DOES know everything. But he's having a hard time believing that I've told him all there is to it and I don't know what I can do. Backstory: In 2012 I met a man who lives out of state on the internet. It was innocent, though flirtatious. There was never any talk of meeting, sex, or being together, it was just a friendship that as a married woman I should have never had since I obviously did not tell my husband about our conversations. My husband and I have had a pretty rocky marriage over the last few years, he is a very sexual person where I am not, and it has often been a source of contention. Divorce has been mentioned more times than I can count. The summer of 2014 I was on a road trip with friends and I found myself in the same state as the man. I had been in continuous communication with him and we decided we would meet finally. I ended up staying with him in his home (that he shared with his brother and family) for a few weeks. I slept in his room on a separate foam mattress due to space and he was respectful of the boundaries and the fact that I was married. It was also the first time that conversations were had about "what if" I wasn't married and how we could be together and be happy, but since that wasn't the case, it never progressed further. I returned home to my husband and my conversations with the other man pretty much ended.. it was very awkward actually how abrupt it was, but that was that. Things continued to be tense with my husband and a few months later he told me he wanted to separate and move out. Instead of this, I just told him I wanted to move to the state where the guy lived (we do have connections there so it wasn't so far fetched) of course I did not tell him why and honestly I did not go specifically to persue a relationship with this other man. I needed to get far away and it seemed like a logical step at the time, because I am an idiot. A few weeks after I moved, my husband told me he created a dating profile. He wanted to see what else was out there. I should have used this opportunity to be honest, but I kind of mentally snapped and made a bad choice. I should have created my own dating profile and saw what else was out there, but I didn't. Instead I decided to go the "easy" route, and contact this other guy and tell him we could finally be together. I was on a month to month contract and staying with various friends in the state, but I then decided to just move back in with this other man out of convenience. Here's where it gets complicated. My husband was forthcoming about his dating (he admitted to going on 30 or so dates and says there was only one second date and he never even kissed any of them and I do think I should believe him), but I lied to him and I told him that I was not ready to be with anybody else. He tells me now if I had told him I was going to date he would gave shut down his profile, but I'm not sure if that's true. This man knew about my situation and it was easy for me to not start over somewhere new, and just jump into something I knew for a quick self esteem fix. We did kiss but it never went further and did not progress into a sexual relationship.. though this time we did share a bed. I understand how crappy that sounds, but it just never naturally went there. Fast forward to a few months later, my husband and I decide we love eachother too much and are going to give it another shot and i move back to the state where he is. Things with the other man were just not going well anyway, and that is not a relationship I would like to pursue long term anymore regardless of if things do not work out with my husband. That situation is completely over. A few months ago my husband (who has been rightfully suspicious of what we did when we were apart for many months) found out about the other guy and the whole situation. I was an idiot again and tried to make up a story to cover my tracks...I would give him a little information at a time and basically lie to him to make things not look so bad. I should have been honest with him from the beginning and let it all out at once but I made the stupid decision to try and keep it under wraps and I ended up screwing myself over in the process. Here's the problem... we still want to work things out but my husband says he doesn't believe I have told him everything. He thinks there is no way in hell that I didn't have a sexual relationship and he said even if I did, we could work it out, but he just wants to know the truth. He said since I spent so long making up stories and trickling things out that he thinks I'm still not being completely honest with him and there's more to it. I love my husband more than anything and he is an amazing man. We have had our differences, but lately things have been better than ever and we've never been closer. I'm just so torn apart because he will always think there is more to the story and I don't know how to convince him otherwise. It sucks even more because I know how badly it sounds and I probably wouldn't believe it either if I heard it from somebody else. What can I do to convince him there is nothing more to it? He truly believes I am remorseful and that there is no more communication with the other man, which is a great start. But I need to know how we can heal from this when I don't have any more bombs to drop and truth to let out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
holyrolypoly Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I think you should read this book with your husband: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00120955S/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 I just read it and thought it was great. It should help. The reason that your husband believes that there's more is because you've shown him that he can't trust you. Why should he believe you now? You have to rebuild trust, first letting him ask whatever questions he needs to. If he's getting angry, he shouldn't become abusive, and should take breaks in order to regain his composure. If you're both committed to staying married, you honestly really need that book. You can't brush the affair aside. The only way out is through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Paragraphs are your friend, almost impossible to read a large block of text like this. Since you were separated and both dating others at your husband's request, why is he owed an explanation as to what you did/didn't do? Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 There is no reason for him to believe you did not have sex. The fact the OM's penis didn't quite enter your vagina is a mere technicality. You entered into a down low relationship with him, sneaked off to meet him, slept with him, packed up and moved out of stated to be with him, planned to carry on with him etc etc etc. The fact you didn't close the deal is just a technicality. The problem is it is making you gloss over the deep, serious issues you have in your marriage and make you think that everything should be ok since you didn't actually have sex. Things are not ok. You have deep, serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Paragraphs are your friend, almost impossible to read a large block of text like this. Since you were separated and both dating others at your husband's request, why is he owed an explanation as to what you did/didn't do? Mr. Lucky Yes sorry, my first post so I am still getting the hang of it. I think the difference is he told me that HE was going to date and that if I told him I was going to date he would have stopped. Plus mine was a long standing "emotional affair" with somebody I had a connection with where he was just meeting new people to explore options. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Honestly, nothing. It's one of the most unbelievable stories I've ever heard, but oddly enough I believe you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 There is no reason for him to believe you did not have sex. The fact the OM's penis didn't quite enter your vagina is a mere technicality. You entered into a down low relationship with him, sneaked off to meet him, slept with him, packed up and moved out of stated to be with him, planned to carry on with him etc etc etc. The fact you didn't close the deal is just a technicality. The problem is it is making you gloss over the deep, serious issues you have in your marriage and make you think that everything should be ok since you didn't actually have sex. Things are not ok. You have deep, serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. Yes we are both in agreement to that and willing to go to counseling, polygraph whatever. We knew we had major issues that needed to be healed before any of this even happened, let alone come to light Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Honestly, nothing. It's one of the most unbelievable stories I've ever heard, but oddly enough I believe you Thank you.. It really sounds so horrible. The worst part about it is knowing if somebody laid out all of the details as they happened... I without a doubt wouldn't believe it. It's really tearing me apart. I would absolutely be convinced there was something more. It's just so agonizing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 To be clear we both want to work it out and stay together. He doesn't think not believing or knowing the whole truth is a dealbreaker, or even if he found out some other detail I withheld that we couldn't get past it. It's just killing me to not be able to give him that peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Here is why I believe you. You admit you aren't a sexual person, to the point that it put your marriage at its breaking point. You being unwilling to connect physically most likely caused your husband to withdraw emotionally as which point the Om enters the picture...it's all emotional with no sex your perfect relationship. You then go to visit at which point I'm sure Om pushed for sex, maybe there was some sexual contact but no actual sex. You go home and everything with Om stops because once again your unwillingness to connect physically. The split happened and you think ok now I can pursue this perfect sexless relationship (come on the dude lives with his mother) again I'm sure he is pushing for sex at which point you realize it isn't a perfect relationship and your focus now turns back to your husband. It all makes perfect sense to me. Nevertheless, he will never believe it. I guess my question is what are you doing to address the sex issue, I don't think you will be able to white knuckle your way around it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Other than offering to take a Poly, there really is no way to "make" him believe you. I think you ultimately have to make peace with the fact that you can't control what your husband believes. So spending time trying to may bring you no joy. Better spend that time working on things you can actually control. Your only real option now is to stick by your story (truth), and to make sure you are playing your part when it comes to healing your M. Good luck OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) To be clear we both want to work it out and stay together. He doesn't think not believing or knowing the whole truth is a dealbreaker, or even if he found out some other detail I withheld that we couldn't get past it. It's just killing me to not be able to give him that peace of mind. I'm so sorry you're going through this, not to say it isn't a result of your own choices. I am all for reconciliation between a man and wife if possible and believe because the two of you want that, you can have it in time and with help. I do want to pose some questions for you to think about, though. The first is that when you shared kisses and a bedroom then later a bed with OM why didn't it progress into having the full experience? You say that it just didn't naturally progress to that point. Do you know why? I believe it's important to face why it didn't. Also, I think many people don't realize what an intimate thing it can be to sleep in the same room or bed with a person of the opposite sex. I would feel vulnerable to do this with a man who isn't a family member (not that I would do it with a family member unless camping or in an unusual situation where space was limited and even then I wouldn't share the same bed with a male family member who was a teen or older). I know not everyone sees it this way, though. So, it's possible that your H is reacting somewhat to that part of it, without maybe even realizing it. Your R with OM, in my view, has been very intimate, more so than the R's you describe your H as having. Possibly if you could face and admit to your H the depth of intimacy in your relationship with OM he could finally come to terms with accepting you didn't have sex with OM, I don't know. I think a natural thing for anyone to do is to try to minimize a R with someone so as not to hurt another person. It would be easy for me, in your place, to try to convince H the R wasn't that much because you only kissed but it seems to me there was deep intimacy for a prolonged period of time between the two of you. I wonder if you recognized that and voiced it to your H if that would help him? It probably won't solve everything between the two of you but it may be a beginning. Edited June 24, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 To be clear we both want to work it out and stay together. He doesn't think not believing or knowing the whole truth is a dealbreaker, or even if he found out some other detail I withheld that we couldn't get past it. It's just killing me to not be able to give him that peace of mind. Well, to me it's no different from my husband's complicated relationships. Penis in or not, irrelevant. But at least he is 100% clear that the mental contortions to make one incident relatively more innocent than another were just rationalizations and something he doesn't want to do again. He's a little less clear about, but pretty much accepts, the fallout - my mistrust and occasional setback. He did it; he just has to live with it. And, in my opinion, so do you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 You need to type your topic in a way that is pleasant to read for others. This isnt working! Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 When a couple separates in order to sample the dating world they need to establish ground rules so that if they decide to work things out neither of them have broken their agreement - which is cheating. I don't know if you specifically had an agreement but it sounds like you agreed to date but to keep each other somewhat informed. He told you about his dating profile and at some point he told you about what happened on those dates. You lied about your activities - you broke the spoken or unspoken ground rules. I'm sure he doesn't believe you regarding the sex. I never would - it's just too implausible to accept. I'm also sure that he thinks that if you told him you were moving in with some guy that he would have either gave up on reconciling your marriage and the two of you would have divorced OR he would have tried to get you to reconsider and give your marriage another try. Whichever way it went at least he would have been consciously part of the decision you made. If you don't have children you should seriously consider divorcing. He will never believe you and, in fact, may be waiting to hear about the sex so he can walk out on you. Like he knows you did but must hear it from you to give him the resolve to end the marriage. The mistake was made at the time you decided to lie and move in with another man. He's not ever going to believe you and he will begin to feel resentment & contempt for you. I don't believe it can be repaired. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 We do have children Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Who had the children during the separation? Did OM meet your children? It seems the biggest issue you have brought up was sexual. How is that going to change? What steps are you taking? What other issues are in the marriage? Any abuse? There is a thin line between abuse and standing up for yourself and calling your spouse? In these discussions what type of language did he use? Was any of it demeaning? As to your husband's dating I sense it was a scare tactic. You where separated so why is he talking to you about them. Again while he was discussing them with you was he comparing then to you and demeaning? (Also thirty dates is a lot of dates, fiction on his part?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 We do have children Of course this makes things exponentially more difficult. Have you asked him what you can do to make him believe you? Could you tell him that even though there was no penis->vagina/mouth involved that the closeness of sleeping with him pretty much constituted sex? Like spooning you from behind you must have felt him and maybe you fooled around a bit with your clothes or pajama's on? This is a "light" version of sex in most peoples books but for some it's a binary thing and any sex is still sex. At any rate, it might help him believe you about the other sex stuff if you tell him that this fooling around was enough for both of you. In my experience men don't let things like this go until they are satisfied they know everything they need to make the final decision on divorce or attempt to reconcile. I hope you can find a way to get him to that place before this issue of believing you in and of itself is the reason he leaves you. The thing is, either way he may not be able to accept what you did. You guys were already having issues major enough to separate so perhaps this is really just a continuation of all that. Your kids survived the separation - divorce is not all that much different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I'm of the mind the biggest issue you have to tackle isn't the OM but the problems in your marriage before you ever got to that point. Are you sure you're back because you want your marriage back or was the OM an exit affair and you're only going back because you feel guilty? Tough questions for you to ask yourself. Also, your husband is hyper-sexual and went on 30 dates but didn't even kiss? Maybe the reason he doesn't believe you is because he's fibbing too... lol 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Are you sure you're back because you want your marriage back or was the OM an exit affair and you're only going back because you feel guilty? Or are you only going back because things didn't work out with OM? Also, your husband is hyper-sexual and went on 30 dates but didn't even kiss? Maybe the reason he doesn't believe you is because he's fibbing too... lol I missed the thirty dates your H had. Very hard for me to believe he didn't kiss any one of them, either. Unless it was thirty dates with someone he wasn't attracted to and was so lonely he just spent time with. That's a stretch, too, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I agree that your biggest issue is working on whatever led to the affair to begin with. Sounds like you have a pretty big incompatibility in the bedroom. Your husband saying that he would've stopped dating if you started dating too just sounds weird. Why do his actions depend on yours? Sounds like something he said to justify his actions and make you feel more guilty. I also find it hard to believe he didn't kiss any of the 30 women he went out with. So you both have some pretty unbelievable stories to contend with. Obviously your transgression is worse since he was technically a free man and yours began when you were still together, but it is equally important that he is honest with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 When he first told me about his dates he said he couldn't remember how many he had. Now he counted and says it's less than 20 that he can remember. I told him when it was all happening that I didn't want to know details and I didn't know anything about any of them until recently. The dates were all with different women, not the same one so I do believe it didn't go farther since it wasn't a repeat with anybody. I've considered there may be more to the story but at this point I think he would have come forward. He respected me enough to be upfront about pursuing dates with other people and at the time I did tell him to get whatever he needed to out of his system. I didn't show him the same respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 We've actually made a lot of improvements in our sex life recently. We are connecting on a deeper level, emotionally and mentally and it's lead to a natural progression in us wanting to be intimate and it not feeling like a chore. It's actually been incredibly healing. We have both said that this may end up being the best thing that has happened to our marriage because it's helped us to realize how much we don't want to give up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Plumeria22 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 I am not a jealous person by nature, while he is. I have considered that the fact that I told him to "get whatever out of his system" may have been a projection of guilt because I knew I had a backup plan, but the truth is we were in such a bad place that I really think I didn't think we were going to recover from it and if we did, I wanted him to be sure, where as my situation with the other guy was never a long term end game. Even if we had decided to divorce last year, that isn't a situation or a person I am compatible with or want to have anything real with after. It was strictly playing house. I needed emotional safety and a quick self esteem boost so I knew I had options. Wrong wrong wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 We've actually made a lot of improvements in our sex life recently. We are connecting on a deeper level, emotionally and mentally and it's lead to a natural progression in us wanting to be intimate and it not feeling like a chore. It's actually been incredibly healing. We have both said that this may end up being the best thing that has happened to our marriage because it's helped us to realize how much we don't want to give up. Then you need to start dating your husband again. Put all your energy there. You can't MAKE him trust you again, but you can earn it back with actions. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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