Cheating in a sexless marriage

[Orangerie]

My story is a bit long but it's not a typical one. I am a woman in my mid-40s, married for 16 years to a man of similar age, and we have a son in his early teens. When our son was 2, my husband started to change his appearance in a strange way - longer dyed hair, beard cut off, eyebrows vaxed, etc. For a long time I didn't understand what was happening but 7 years into our marriage he confessed that he was dreaming of becoming a woman.

This confession explained not just his appearance but also the complete failure of our sex life. There was no spark from the beginning and we hardly ever were together intimately, except for the year when we were trying for a baby. During that year we had sex once in a month... Small wonder that our son was concieved at all. When he was, we stopped having sex altogether. Neither of us was very good at it so after a number of failed attempts we just gave up. For a long time I thought it was all my fault as I always felt uneasy when trying and could never really let myself go.

When he admitted being transsexual, I understood that I was not attracted to him because I felt his femininity without realizing it and because he couldn't feel like a man even in the bed no matter how hard he tried.

When things became clear for both of us, I decided to move out with our son. In the next 4 years we lived separately but were still in a very close relationship. We spent almost every Sunday and every vacation together, and we still enjoyed each other's company. During this time he had no partner, while I was contacted by an ex-boyfriend of mine and we were together a few times before he disappeared from my life without saying a word. With him I had no problems with sex at all - he was very masculine and could turn me on in a minute.

At the same time I still felt that my husband was my soulmate and at the end I decided that a slight chance to bring sex back to my life was not worth all the time that I spent alone, so I moved back with my husband.

This was 2 years ago and since then we have been living in harmony. He stopped his transformation to a woman and now his long (tied-back) dyed hair is the only reminder that he has issues with his gender. But he still has those issues, of course, so we still have no sex life. We do some light kissing, hugging, and snuggling, but that's all.

I am now getting to my point, thanks if you are still reading

A few months ago the ex I mentioned before contacted me again. He now lives abroad but comes home a few times a year and he wanted me to visit him the next time when he came. And I couldn't resist the temptation of feeling the touch of a real man again... So we met and had sex without my husband suspecting a thing. He is coming home again in a few weeks' time and I can't decide if I should meet him again, and if I should feel guilty about meeting him. Somehow I feel that a 100% sexless marriage like mine morally justifies cheating... I love my husband and wouldn't like to leave him just to have sex with the other guy twice a year. Other guys have never been queuing at my door, so leaving both men and waiting for a third one with whom everything is perfect is not really an option.

Do you condemn me for what I am doing? Or do you agree that it is a somewhat reasonable thing to do?

[purplesorrow]

Why can't you talk to your husband? You obviously have a problem with this or you wouldn't post.

[Confused9999]

I am guessing your husband won't care.

Why don't you suggest an open relationship. That way no guilt and you get what you want.

[harrybrown]

Just remember that when the OM leaves for years again not to expect anything.

 

Sounds like he gets what he wants.

 

Talk to your H. I do hope you use protection, because Mr. wonderful OM has many bootie friends.

 

You are not exclusive with him.

 

But do be honest with your H. Do not meet the OM without telling him.

 

Maybe he will go with an open marriage.

 

Good luck with this mess. and it is a mess.

 

If your H will not go for this, why not divorce? but do not keep it a secret.

Does the OM talk down about your H?

[BuddyX]

People saying "Why don't you divorce?". And I know your answer will be "because of our son". But the real reason is because you hate being alone.

Look, your marriage is a sham. And At its core its build on a lie. Your current husband can't provide what you want.

 

It's time to cut bait, and start living.

[wmacbride]

why are the two of you lying to yourselves?

You may both love each other, but this "marriage" is not giving either one of you what you want.

 

It would be one thing to be in a sexless marriage if you were both happy, but you aren't. You are cheating, and he is denying who he is, at the very core of his being.

 

You could divorce and remain as very good friends, best friends even, who love each other deeply in a platonic way. It sounds like you get along really well, so you could likely co-parent successfully and your son would grow up, raised by two people who love each other as friends and love him very much.

 

If that is not an option, then ask your husband for an open marriage where he knows you are sleeping with other men, and give him the right to see other people as well.

[Orangerie]

I forgot to mention that I did suggest an open relationship not long after we moved back together but he refused, saying that it would probably be one-sided (as he does not look very manly and is quite overweight, he would probably not find a partner). Besides, he would be worrid that I fall in love with the partner I may find.

[dichotomy]

Just go a head have your sexual romp - a few times a year fling with your OM (ex) who visits from over seas.

 

People may slam me for saying this - especially as a BH - but based on your story, your husbands orientation, your feeling for your husband, and that your OM lives far away and appears to be just a booty call a few times a year (no feelings) - it seems to me the best option.

 

In 100% (or nearly) sexless marriages - the spouse has chosen to abandon a huge portion of their vow and commitment to love and cherish. Its then an open marriage in my mind - assuming you can separate sex from love with an outside partner. Many people can't and that's where these things fall apart. You know yourself and your feelings best towards your husband and this Other man.

Edited June 24, 2016 by dichotomy

[BuddyX]

Wow. Your husband is quite selfish. He's fat and unmanly...um you tell him "Sorry but that's a you problem. I deserve to achieve happiness"

[Lobe]

Do you condemn me for what I am doing? Or do you agree that it is a somewhat reasonable thing to do?

 

You cannot live in an honest marriage when there is dishonesty. Since your husband and you are both aware that you are sexually incompatible, I suggest you have very frank discussion about your unmet needs - I have a sinking feeling they are his same unmet needs (feeling wanted, desired, sexy, etc. for who he is.) An open marriage may *still* be an option in your situation if you are able to assure him your close friendship and parenting relationship will remain intact and if not, then you need to leave and live an honest life without deceiving your husband.

 

I also think your husband should finish transitioning if that's what he wants, instead of staying in a sexless marriage. Y'all both need to get into some IC and MC and possibly some FC so that your son understands what's going on. (Most professionals who deal with transgender/transexual issues have names of specialized resources you can access.)

 

Cheating is cheating. It is reprehensible and is never ever justified. You are both holding yourselves back from finding true partnership. The nice thing is, as your are amicable now, chances are good you will have a very amicable separation and divorce, so your son will not be impacted the same way kids in volatile homes are.

 

Tell your betrayed husband you are unhappy. Do NOT sleep with your sidepiece again. You, my friend, need to man up.

 

I forgot to mention that I did suggest an open relationship not long after we moved back together but he refused, saying that it would probably be one-sided (as he does not look very manly and is quite overweight, he would probably not find a partner). Besides, he would be worrid that I fall in love with the partner I may find.

 

I hear a lot of justification in your actions in this. It's called cognitive dissonance. If he does not want an open marriage, then you need to let him go. You are NOT the best he can find - someone out there likes rotund feminine looking men, so you don't need to worry about him. The only thing holding him back from finding a true soulmate is unfortunately you. Let him go.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Lobe
adding...

[EverySunset]

I have a lot of gay friends that "started out" straightish. They had opposite sex partners, often with a lot of love. My best friend is a gay male who was engaged to his high school sweetheart. He still loves her! But she knew even before he did and gave him a push towards his life now, where he is openly gay and happy.

 

Your H may be overweight and struggling with identity, but (and I say this with love, to help) you are enabling his stagnancy. He will never move forward towards the life he clearly feels drawn to if you continue to be his sexless safety net.

 

If you truly love each other, you will stay close, but encourage each other to branch out, meet people, and fall in love the way partners should feel about each other. You can always be close, without clinging to standards that don't apply to you anyway. Define yourselves! Define your relationship! Move forward in life, holding each other up - not keeping each down because of how much you truly do love each other.

 

Make your love beautiful and unique - by letting go.

Edited June 24, 2016 by EverySunset

[oldshirt]

You basically have a child custodial and roommate arraignment with a girlfriend.

 

If he/she is not willing to meet your basic needs as a human being, he/she has no right dictate your involuntary celibacy.

 

If he is not sexually active with you and has no intentions to be, then your Sexlife is none of his/her business.

[Mr. Lucky]

But he still has those issues, of course, so we still have no sex life.

 

You have no sex life...together. It's not out of the realm of possibility that, like you, he has something going on the side. Transsexual doesn't mean asexual...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VeveCakes]

So he's not manly....he's probably not looking for a woman in his next love life....doubt they care if he's manly.

[oldshirt]

I forgot to mention that I did suggest an open relationship not long after we moved back together but he refused, saying that it would probably be one-sided (as he does not look very manly and is quite overweight, he would probably not find a partner). Besides, he would be worrid that I fall in love with the partner I may find.

 

Again, look at this as having a female roommate.

 

If you had a fat and frumpy female roommate that had no interest in men, would you let her stop you from finding love and sexuality and romance because she wouldn't be able to get a man and didn't want you leaving her home by herself?

 

This is really the same thing.

 

If he doesn't have any interest in a Sexlife with you and isn't willing to meet your needs, then he has no right to dictate celibacy onto you.

[whichwayisup]

I forgot to mention that I did suggest an open relationship not long after we moved back together but he refused, saying that it would probably be one-sided (as he does not look very manly and is quite overweight, he would probably not find a partner). Besides, he would be worrid that I fall in love with the partner I may find.

 

Ask yourself why you're still married to him. Go to counseling and figure it out because staying in a marriage (you even say you were never attracted to him or felt it from the beginning) when you're unhappy and wanting to cheat is pointless and will cause more stress and problems. Divorce and be on good terms for the sake of your son, since you two will still have to co parent together.

[Lois_Griffin]

I forgot to mention that I did suggest an open relationship not long after we moved back together but he refused, saying that it would probably be one-sided (as he does not look very manly and is quite overweight, he would probably not find a partner). Besides, he would be worrid that I fall in love with the partner I may find.

And if he were actually decent looking would his answer be different? What an ignorant, selfish decision, based on his undesirability to men OR women. Blech.

 

This guy is beyond selfish anyway. He married you under false pretenses because he's probably always wanted to be a woman. I don't believe he suddenly woke up one morning and decided to start waxing his eyebrows and growing his hair out.

 

I'm not sure why anyone would stay with someone like this. Are there no other men where you live?

 

This other guy that blows into town and just decides to ghost on you when he's gotten what he wants sounds like a complete douche bag. But since you basically see him for sex only, I guess it's mutual.

 

Jesus. Don't you have the desire to be respected by any of the so-called men in your life? The two you're currently wasting your life on sure don't.

[elaine567]

Jesus. Don't you have the desire to be respected by any of the so-called men in your life?

~

 

That is a very good point.

I was almost swayed by Dichotomy's argument, but Lois is right you are still a young woman who deserves a proper relationship with a man who will be a father figure AND your lover; you shouldn't have to accept any less.

 

Get your self esteem up is your first task, then start seriously looking to get yourself out of this mess.

 

YOU could waste a lot of time here for absolutely nothing especially if your husband one day decides to go off and find a real partner of his own.

[road]

~

 

That is a very good point.

I was almost swayed by Dichotomy's argument, but Lois is right you are still a young woman who deserves a proper relationship with a man who will be a father figure AND your lover; you shouldn't have to accept any less.

 

Get your self esteem up is your first task, then start seriously looking to get yourself out of this mess.

 

YOU could waste a lot of time here for absolutely nothing especially if your husband one day decides to go off and find a real partner of his own.

 

 

 

 

Yes it is time to divorce your shim/she-him of a husband.

 

 

Dump your FB for he is a waste of your time.

 

 

Though if you are going to do neither then you must tell your BH that you have already opened the marriage and cheated and will continue to have FB's because you need sex.

[Lobe]

This guy is beyond selfish anyway. He married you under false pretenses because he's probably always wanted to be a woman. I don't believe he suddenly woke up one morning and decided to start waxing his eyebrows and growing his hair out.

 

I'm not sure why anyone would stay with someone like this. Are there no other men where you live?

 

I agree that the marriage needs to be dissolved so that both partners can move forward and live an authentic life, but I don't know if you've met a lot of trans people - I assure you that denying sexuality or gender identity is far more complex than being "selfish" and choosing to transition, even marginally, is a scary and difficult decision because of what's at stake. I get why OP wants to stand by her man, even if he's fat and feminine - this is the person she shares a home and children with. It's not like he's a freak or a monster. He's just not a husband material anymore.

 

End the marriage. Period.

[oldshirt]

As the H in this scenario has made it clear he has no sexual interest in the OP and has no interest in meeting her needs and we also have to assume he is doing other dudes on the side, I really don't care if she sees other men or not.

 

What I will say the problem with hooking up randomly with the OM is that it will slow down her efforts to leave the M and move on with her own life.

 

If she settles for periodic hook ups with the OM it will make her more likely to stay in the M.

 

This is one of those instances where the M is "saved" by the affair. .......but the real issue is that the M is not worth saving and should not be saved.

 

If she were to not cheat on the side and were to hold out for a decent man and a potentially healthy relationship, she would quickly grow disillusioned with M and would leave it sooner.

 

The main benefit of her not cheating in this scenario is her yearning for a real man and a real relationship would drive her to divorce and move on.

 

An affair at this point will simply prolong her staying in this sham of a marriage.

[salparadise]

What I thought was a bit odd was him rejecting her suggestion for an open marriage, saying that it would benefit her more than him. Basically, he doesn't have any sexual interest in you, but is jealous (?), insists on exclusivity (?) and that leaves you no viable option except to sneak around and phuk random men behind his back... then come home and fix his dinner. Pfffffft.

 

I think you need to get out of this craziness and live authentically. This is at best a half life, and one day you're going to wake up and realize that time is precious and you squandered all of its potential to avoid being alone, and on a man/woman who had neither the desire nor potential to meet even your most fundamental needs. And it will be too late to get those prime years back.

 

You're thinking small. Get a good therapist and start working on being your most authentic self and commit to living fully. Imho, that is the only good choice you have.

[spanz1]

a sexless marriage is not like much of a marriage. But cheating is not the right approach. Why not just tell your husband that you have an emotional bond with him, and that will never fail, but that occasionally you need a masculine sexual partner, and that you will need a hall pass every few months to do that.

 

 

and maybe there is a way to bring sex back into your marital bedroom by embracing his transsexual nature and doing some role play where you take on the masculine role, and he the feminine role.

Edited June 27, 2016 by spanz1

[standtall]

Why be married at all?

[Liam1]

Somehow I feel that a 100% sexless marriage like mine morally justifies cheating... I love my husband and wouldn't like to leave him just to have sex with the other guy twice a year. Other guys have never been queuing at my door, so leaving both men and waiting for a third one with whom everything is perfect is not really an option.

Do you condemn me for what I am doing? Or do you agree that it is a somewhat reasonable thing to do?

 

There are marriage counselors and psychologists and infidelity experts who will agree with you.

 

Refusing sex, without a medical reason, breaks the marriage vow to cherish. It is no different than infidelity, IMO.

 

Sex, if the spouse is physically capable is expected in a marriage. There are even religious texts that state this clearly and emphatically for those who like to bludgeon people with religious edicts.

 

Besides, truly, a real marriage and true love is about far MORE than sex.

 

If your husband is not interested, he has no right to be angry, if you seek sex elsewhere.

 

The reason to stay married is because there are other things about him that you love. You are a good team and you still enjoy each others company intellectually.