Needing to STOP being stupid to prevent having an affair

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

I posted this in another forum. Perhaps stupidly, naively... certainly not bravely. It was a very female-dominated forum and let's just say I didn't get off lightly. However, it helped in two ways: one kind person pointed me over here and overall, I got and have taken on board a very clear message that I need to stop being a dick and fix my failing marriage. The reason for reposting this message here is I'm after any more specific advice about how best to do this.

 

Ok, Donal isn't my real name (obviously) and I'm deliberately not disclosing certain facts just in case I can be identified.

 

I'm not expecting any sympathy here... in fact I'm expecting dogs' abuse and a whole load of "you're a bloody idiot and you should be ashamed of yourself". But that's okay because I probably deserve it

 

I have a wife and two kids and have been married for 10 years. Usual pressures of life - eldest going to school, moving house last year, kids being kids, 15 years of being with someone you know all about (good and bad) etc. etc.

 

I would say that for 10 years of marriage, we're reasonably happy. Of course we bicker, argue (very rarely in front of the kids) and all that, but who doesn't and we do love each other. However, we don't really have sex any more (honestly can't remember the last time - perhaps 12 or 18 months ago?) but overall, we really do care about each other.

 

But... I have a wandering eye. I have never been unfaithful in deed* and I need it to stay that way, but my own failing is that I am massively attracted to beautiful women, which is probably normal, but I lust after doing something about it, which is not good. I could try to claim it's just being a bloke, but other men don't seem to have this problem, at least not as obviously as me!

 

(* by this I mean I might have fantasised about it or wished for something, but I've never actually done anything physically unfaithful, just emotionally unfaithful if you will).

 

I've had occasional women try it on and, to an extent, a bit of flirting the other way. The odd sexy text which married adults should NOT send to one another, but I (and the woman who was doing it) knocked that on the head and fortunately we nipped it in the bud before it became anything worse (other than a bit of excitement, perhaps).

 

Here comes the here and now... there is a very, very attractive woman who seems to feel the same about me as I do about her. We flirt, we get close (without anything happening) and there is plenty of touching of arms, brushing of skin against one another etc. We stand far too close to one another when nobody else is around and the eye contact is at the ridiculous end of lingering. When we greet each other with nobody else around, we give one another a peck on the lips - never anything more but for each of us it's deliberate, slow and certainly not something we'd ever do in front of our respective partners so therefore we both know we simply shouldn't be doing it!

 

We (me and this Other Woman) are both are married to our respective partners. We each have two kids, loving (and loved) partners and very much want to keep it all together sensibly, which simply means we need to end this decisively and properly.

 

If it were possible for the sexual tension, feelings, passion etc. to fizzle out that would just be wonderful. We're not teenage kids ourselves and we know better and certainly shouldn't be ruled by our pants.

 

But here we are, each of us trying to find excuses to "pop over" to the others' place to drop things off etc. Worst of all, she's very good friends with my wife which just makes it all the more ridiculous. That sounds shocking as I type it and it is. I guess each of us is finding our own pathetic ways to justify having an emotional affair just because it's not fully physical.

 

I want to find a way to make these feelings go away. If I knew that having a conversation with the OW about it would allow us to agree it's stupid and we should banish our libidos, I would. But my fear is she secretly wants to make it happen and there's a chance that I'll give in and be too pathetic to say no to her.

 

I'm not afraid to admit I'm disgustingly weak-willed in this regard and that is something I am appalled at in terms of myself. Of all the temptations that have crossed my path before, this is the one I'm genuinely afraid about. She ticks every possible box apart from the rather important fact that we're both (otherwise) happily married and don't want to break that.

 

I'm frankly shocked that my wife hasn't picked up these things that seem blooming obvious to me when this OW and I are in the same room. She still seems very good friends with the OW and regularly confides in her about stuff. It makes me feel even more of a jerk that I'm harbouring these sorts of desires. And judging by the way the OW strokes my arm or presses herself against me when nobody else is about, I have more than just a suspicion that she has exactly the same ideas.

 

How do I turn off the sexual desire? Don't get me wrong, it's hugely exciting in many ways but it's neither healthy nor is it ever going to end well unless I can control it.

 

I'm feel like a hormonal moment away from doing something potentially marriage-ending for two families, which is just dreadful. The prospect of that sickens me and I just want it to go away...

 

Help!!

[JLeaks3]

Tell your wife. Nothing will burst the fantasy bubble harder than the pain in your wife's face when you tell her you've been lusting after her good friend. You freakin' kiss this woman on the mouth for Pete's sake! You want to get rid of the feelings? Get out of hiding and have full transparency with your wife.

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

Tell your wife. Nothing will burst the fantasy bubble harder than the pain in your wife's face when you tell her you've been lusting after her good friend. You freakin' kiss this woman on the mouth for Pete's sake! You want to get rid of the feelings? Get out of hiding and have full transparency with your wife.

 

Yup you're right. I'll need to find the right way to do it (so that it doesn't destroy her), but I realise I have to man up and confess to the feelings and explain they've been banished. At best she'll be gutted and disgusted with me but if it gives us a chance to fix things then it has to be done.

[wmacbride]

This may sound wild and crazy, but have you considered talking to your wife about it? As it stands right now, this hasn't really gone beyond fantasizing, and you have a golden opportunity to turn things around before they get out of hand.

 

I'm not saying you need to smack your wife between the eyes with your feelings, but more a case of sitting down and talking with her about how you sometimes find yourself attracted to other women, and those feelings are growing stronger. Though you have never acted on them, it bothers you, and you want to talk with her and be honest so the two of you can address the issue head on and explore the reasons why this might be happening. Also explain that you love her, and that has not changed.

 

I can't speak for everyone else, but from what I can tell, lots of married people find others attractive. The difference lies in what they do about it.

Yes, giving her pecks on the mouth is bad, as is finding excuses to spend time with her, but I give you a lot of credit for being self aware enough to recognize that you need to stop this in its tracks.

 

I would then make it clear to this other woman ( who is not an "affair" other woman yet) that because you love your wife, you don't feel you should see her for a while, and if she is truly your wife's friend, she will understand.

[DKT3]

Have you sat your wife down and explained how the lack of sex and intimacy makes you feel? So many relationships fall apart because we refuse to step out of our comfort zone to address issues.

 

Secondly have you stopped dating your wife? For women the act of sex is connected to so much more then for us men. If you are not pulling your weight in other areas it can and will decrease your sex appeal for her and build resent that can and will manifest itself through your sexlife or in your case lack of. Also women aren't turned on just because you pull those panties down, it's much more mental and emotional for them (most of the time) in other words have you gotten lazy?

 

Feeling attracted to other women is not only natural but its healthy, how you respond to it is what sets men from boys. Acknowledge she is hot then move on, don't linger or search for reasons to reach out. But your past that point now so.....

 

Ha-ha, how do you stop? Hmmm, let's see, you simply stop. Your not a mindless penis feeling some instinctive pull towards this woman. You are making the decision to slowly cross lines. Stop it. It's really that simple.

[elaine567]

Keep away from her all together. Stop dropping things off and make sure you are not there when she drops things off.

I am not a great fan of hurting BSs unnecessarily and breaking up marriages, so I would not tell your spouse you are lusting after her good friend, but if she does mention anything then I would say that it seems that her good friend is lusting after you and you are doing your best to avoid her and make sure that you are actually avoiding her.

 

Start this minute. Make sure you cut all contact and make sure she knows it, be rude if you have to be. Block her number and disappear from her life. If she comes into the kitchen, you make a point of getting out of it, do not allow her to get close.

You do not want your little kids to grow up fatherless do you?

[ChocolateRain]

I'm feel like a hormonal moment away from doing something potentially marriage-ending for two families, which is just dreadful. The prospect of that sickens me and I just want it to go away...

 

Help!!

 

i am a woman that has had a cheating husband ( and that is the least pain he caused ). There are children involved , feelings , years spent together , memories , love etc etc .... and worst ur wife knows the woman

 

why are ppl so quick to throw a marriage away for a moment of pleasure ...you said it yourself you have the wandering eyes and you have the hots for beautiful women ??? There will always be beautiful women ...will you dump the next for another beauty ?

 

Do you even understand the world of pain you will bring about if you follow through ? Both of you ?

 

Did you not say the words '' for better or worse '' ? is it that easy ?

At least tell your wife the truth before you two decide to have at it ...

 

Dont just be a lousy cheater .... same goes for your Partner in Crime ...

 

i have been to support groups and i have met many cheaters and most really regret what they have done years later because at some point ppl realize the grass is not always greener on the other side ...

[JLeaks3]

Yup you're right. I'll need to find the right way to do it (so that it doesn't destroy her), but I realise I have to man up and confess to the feelings and explain they've been banished. At best she'll be gutted and disgusted with me but if it gives us a chance to fix things then it has to be done.

 

She will not be disgusted with you. She will be devastated and question every aspect of your relationship and your love for her. I am 6 months out from finding out about an EA my husband had with another mom from our son's school. Our life is such that they didn't have opportunities to be physical but there were lots of texts for 4 months between them. Our sex life has always been great. We typically have sex 3-4 times a week. My husband adores me and our family. But yet this girl still managed to capture his attention for about 4 or 5 months.

 

Do you realize the amount of damage my husband's "minor" EA has had on me? It has been a nightmare. I can't get over the fact that there is another woman out there that my husband could possibly have romantic feelings for. He has always made me feel like a queen, and now my sense of security in our marriage is all but gone. I can't even let him put me in doggy during sex, it literally makes my stomach turn because I'm afraid that he is imagining her instead of me. This is a man who is perfect in every ther way and does everything he can to prove his love for me even before the affair. And now I question everything. That is the damage he has done. And the damage you will surely inflict on your wife. If that doesn't make you want to throw up, then you my friend are not "happily married" as you say and you should seriously question the level of "love" you actually have for your wife. When my husband realized the amount of pain I was in from his inappropriate relationship, he literally vomitted.

[minimariah]

you're in a sexless marriage - that's a HUGE problem. it's probably a result of unmet needs and expectations and i would start with that first - why don't you have sex...? who initiates sex more? why didn't you discuss this, why is it totally normal to NOT have sex with your spouse for over a YEAR? you're buddies, that's it. how often do you kiss, cuddle, where did the eroticism in your relationship go...?

 

coming clean to your wife should do the trick + removing the OW from your lives and going NC. i would be careful and do it with tact - tell her that you're not happy and that your marriage is troubled (no such thing as a sexless healthy marriage, sorry) and that this is SERIOUS and you need to work on it. seek counseling and discuss the absence of sex life. it will be hard, for sure. write down how the worst case scenario would look like if you had an affair, what would you lose and read it over and over again - every single time you think about the OW. remind yourself of how much you're risking.

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

ChocolateRain... I'm sorry to read that and between the comments here and the comments on the other forum (well, more accurately I'd describe those as fair and deserved abuse) I know what I need to do.

 

So, I will be cutting off contact with the OW. I will instead find excuses to avoid her rather than be in her company - the opposite of what I'm doing now.

 

That will be treating the symptoms so I also need to work out what's gone wrong with my wife that has led to me to this point. Just to be clear, it's a personal failing of mine rather than me wanting to pin blame on something else - but I need to be able to fix the cause of this over and above it simply being a case of "me being a ****".

[elaine567]

She will not be disgusted with you. She will be devastated and question every aspect of your relationship and your love for her. I am 6 months out from finding out about an EA my husband had with another mom from our son's school. Our life is such that they didn't have opportunities to be physical but there were lots of texts for 4 months between them. Our sex life has always been great. We typically have sex 3-4 times a week. My husband adores me and our family. But yet this girl still managed to capture his attention for about 4 or 5 months.

 

Do you realize the amount of damage my husband's "minor" EA has had on me? It has been a nightmare. I can't get over the fact that there is another woman out there that my husband could possibly have romantic feelings for. He has always made me feel like a queen, and now my sense of security in our marriage is all but gone. I can't even let him put me in doggy during sex, it literally makes my stomach turn because I'm afraid that he is imagining her instead of me. This is a man who is perfect in every ther way and does everything he can to prove his love for me even before the affair. And now I question everything. That is the damage he has done. And the damage you will surely inflict on your wife. If that doesn't make you want to throw up, then you my friend are not "happily married" as you say and you should seriously question the level of "love" you actually have for your wife. When my husband realized the amount of pain I was in from his inappropriate relationship, he literally vomitted.

 

Ok, so why are you telling the OP to tell his wife.

I guess she doesn't know anything so why put her through all the hell you are going through and will go through for years no doubt? What good would that do?

 

He needs to stop what he is doing ASAP, and he needs to try and salvage his marriage by finding out why they aren't having sex. Are they not having sex because she doesn't want sex, or because he is showing no real interest as his mind is off with other women and she has picked up on that?

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

you're in a sexless marriage - that's a HUGE problem. it's probably a result of unmet needs and expectations and i would start with that first - why don't you have sex...? who initiates sex more? why didn't you discuss this, why is it totally normal to NOT have sex with your spouse for over a YEAR? you're buddies, that's it. how often do you kiss, cuddle, where did the eroticism in your relationship go...?

 

coming clean to your wife should do the trick + removing the OW from your lives and going NC. i would be careful and do it with tact - tell her that you're not happy and that your marriage is troubled (no such thing as a sexless healthy marriage, sorry) and that this is SERIOUS and you need to work on it. seek counseling and discuss the absence of sex life. it will be hard, for sure. write down how the worst case scenario would look like if you had an affair, what would you lose and read it over and over again - every single time you think about the OW. remind yourself of how much you're risking.

 

Thank you - I didn't realise a sexless marriage was such a problem. Sure, it doesn't feel right and I don't really imagine many other couples are in a similar position so it would make sense it needs to be fixed. I guess I just never thought about it like that.

 

Pretty sure the two must be linked, you're right.

 

JLeaks, sorry also to read about your horror story. I can't imagine putting my wife through that, which I already have really, she just doesn't know it yet.

 

God I feel crap.

[Lobe]

How do I turn off the sexual desire? Don't get me wrong, it's hugely exciting in many ways but it's neither healthy nor is it ever going to end well unless I can control it.

 

I'm feel like a hormonal moment away from doing something potentially marriage-ending for two families, which is just dreadful. The prospect of that sickens me and I just want it to go away...

 

Help!!

 

If you continue creating the time and space required for this affair to blossom, it will, at the expense of your family and hers. So stop creating the time and space. But first, get yourself into IC and sort your sh*t out - if you're having a midlife crisis maybe you just need to buy a Porsche or get hair plugs instead. Then, while you're waiting to get in for that appointment, you can pick your poison from some or all of these:

 

1. Picture your wife acting like your OW with another man. Picture her getting little butterflies in her panties and tingly nipples when someone other than you brushes up against her arm or presses against her body a little longer than they should. Picture another man doing to her all the things you want to do to your OW and imagine that the reason she isn't having sex with you is because you've become stale and boring, and can be replaced. (Unless you are into swinging and are into voyeurism... In which case, this is a bad idea and you should skip this and read below...)
    
   
2. Tell your wife you really miss her and start planning surprise dates - woo her the way you would woo this new woman.
    
   
3. Give yourself the advice you'd give your son about treating his spouse the way you're treating yours, or being married to the OW.
    
   
4. Give the OW advice you'd give your daughter if her husband was acting like you or she was acting like your OW.
    
   
5. Block the OW on your phone and ask her to stop coming over; if she does have to be at your house make sure your wife is present and that you are at least as affectionate if not more than with the OW towards your wife.
    
   
6. Tell your wife or the OW's husband that you think the OW is attracted to you.
   

 

Even if you get in to the counsellor and discover that you are unhappy and need to leave your marriage, at least then you will be doing things in the right order, with no regrets. You know the score. Don't be *that* guy.

[JLeaks3]

Ok, so why are you telling the OP to tell his wife.

I guess she doesn't know anything so why put her through all the hell you are going through and will go through for years no doubt? What good would that do?

 

He needs to stop what he is doing ASAP, and he needs to try and salvage his marriage by finding out why they aren't having sex. Are they not having sex because she doesn't want sex, or because he is showing no real interest as his mind is off with other women and she has picked up on that?

 

Quite frankly, how can he attain true remorse and accountability if he doesn't confess and admit his wrongdoings? And yes, if she is totally unaware that there is something wrong in her own marriage, how is she supposed to be an active participant in the repair of it?

[JLeaks3]

And by the way, this OW is most certainly not a friend and you should definitely stop considering her that way and cut off ALL contact. Another reason for telling your wife, because is I were her, I would most definitely not be associating myself with someone who has such loose morals as to come on to my husband. Protect your wife and let her know who she can and cannot trust. This OW should be nowhere near your family.

[ChocolateRain]

[*]Give yourself the advice you'd give your son about treating his spouse the way you're treating yours, or being married to the OW.

 

[*]Give the OW advice you'd give your daughter if her husband was acting like you or she was acting like your OW.

 

Great Advice ....

[Lobe]

Quite frankly, how can he attain true remorse and accountability if he doesn't confess and admit his wrongdoings? And yes, if she is totally unaware that there is something wrong in her own marriage, how is she supposed to be an active participant in the repair of it?

 

It's one thing to confess that he has been banging someone else, another completely to confess he is having salacious thoughts about other women because they are no longer intimate. OP, you can tell your wife you think the OW has a crush on you, and tell the OW that if she doesn't leave you alone you are going to tell her husband, for both your families' sakes.

[elaine567]

Quite frankly, how can he attain true remorse and accountability if he doesn't confess and admit his wrongdoings? And yes, if she is totally unaware that there is something wrong in her own marriage, how is she supposed to be an active participant in the repair of it?

I don't get it, because frankly if someone told me they were lusting after my friend, and kissing her on the mouth he would be gone.

NO reconciliation, nothing. Marriage over.

 

By telling her, he is risking everything, his marriage, his kids lives, his ongoing happiness, his wife's ongoing happiness.

Even if she did "forgive" - the triggers, the upset, the lack of trust, the total devastation rarely makes for a happy life.

We have folk on here still triggering decades after.

Unless she knows something or accuses him of it, I would suggest he keep schtum here.

Nothing has really happened anyway, but the lack of trust going forward will be awful, if he tells her, not only for this relationship for others she will have in the future..

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

It's one thing to confess that he has been banging someone else, another completely to confess he is having salacious thoughts about other women because they are no longer intimate. OP, you can tell your wife you think the OW has a crush on you, and tell the OW that if she doesn't leave you alone you are going to tell her husband, for both your families' sakes.

 

Being honest, I'd prefer if my wife and I can fix this privately between ourselves and a professional counsellor. Sure, I don't mind laying down the law with OW as necessary but involving other people such as her husband etc. might well spiral this well beyond what it currently is (which is me being a **** and her being a bitch).

 

Maybe I'm being selfish but I don't feel a sense of responsibility to clean up her mess - I have enough of that to do on my own doorstep.

 

That and the fact we live in a very small and insular village means my wife would likely suffer even more if there was the prospect of any of this getting out into the wider community...

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

Nothing has really happened anyway, but the lack of trust going forward will be awful, if he tells her, not only for this relationship for others she will have in the future..

 

Well just to be slightly contrarian, something has happened: I've been bloody lucky to wake up just in time before I completely destroyed everything.

 

I can't believe I was so close to blowing everything for no good reason.

[minimariah]

What good would that do?

 

i think he should tell his wife - the wife is not the child who needs to be protected from an ugly truth, she is his equal partner. her husband developed feelings for another woman and is sexually attracted to another woman -- this should NOT have some kind of devastating effect on her. will she be shaken, scared & sad...? for sure. but she is an adult and should be more than capable solving these kind of issues because she - as an adult - needed to be aware that it absolutely CAN happen. if she decides to solve this by divorcing...? so be it! our spouses can develop inappropriate feelings for other folks and you should be able to discuss it and move forward however you seem fit. this isn't tragedy, this is an issue that needs to be dealt with and his wife and him SHOULD be able to do that.

 

also - the OW is the wife's friend; he needs to cut off the OW completely and won't be able to do that if she hangs around the wife. meaning, the wife needs to cut her off as well.

 

Pretty sure the two must be linked, you're right.

 

it absolutely is linked. you didn't have sex for a year - that's a huge problem. you don't have a sex life with the wife at all & it needs to be solved. the absence of sex is usually just a sign of deeper issues so i suggest you take this seriously.

 

and stop feeling sorry for yourself, blaming yourself and throwing stones at your own self. you have a problem, work to find the solution. this is YOUR situation and it's not the same as everyone else's.

 

to be honest with you... i find it surprising that you were okay with not having sex for so long. why is that...? are you attracted to your wife sexually, does she turn you on, do you desire her as a woman?

Edited June 20, 2016 by minimariah

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

to be honest with you... i find it surprising that you were okay with not having sex for so long. why is that...? are you attracted to your wife sexually, does she turn you on, do you desire her as a woman?

 

Somehow - and I'm not sure how it happened - in my eyes my wife changed from being my sexual partner to my life partner. We still kiss, we cuddle, we hug, we hold hands. We just don't do the jiggy. I do miss it, of course.

 

Being totally honest with all of you complete strangers, I don't currently find her sexually attractive, which is something mental that has changed for me. I'd like to fix that - maybe it's just communication and me explaining to her that I WANT to find her sexually attractive and a little bit of finding that lost spark is perhaps all that's needed. We all change physically but she hasn't gone from a size 8 (UK 8) to a 20 or anything... yes, she's given birth to two kids but I actually think she's more self-conscious than actually physically different.

[Lobe]

Somehow - and I'm not sure how it happened - in my eyes my wife changed from being my sexual partner to my life partner. We still kiss, we cuddle, we hug, we hold hands. We just don't do the jiggy. I do miss it, of course.

 

Get your google on and research Madonna-Whore complex.

[MyNameIsNotDonal]

Get your google on and research Madonna-Whore complex.

 

Gosh, that sounds ghastly!!

 

Counselling time immediately I think

[Lobe]

Also, do some poking around about the whole "I love my wife we're just not in love anymore" thing. It's unrealistic to feel the novelty of new love with your wife when your love matures from brushing your teeth in the hopes that it will lead to heavy petting and brushing your teeth so that when you mouth breath while snoring the garlic doesn't make your wife want to gag you instead of just plug your nose. The kind of deep mutual love and respect you feel with your spouse can't and shouldn't compare to an affair, but there's no reason you can't have hot sweaty sex with your life partner...

 

Ask her if it's OK if you send a naughty text and see how she responds - if you're bored, maybe she is too. Start with something gentle like how much you love kissing the side of her neck or tickling her palms before you get to the part where you've got her pinned in the pantry. Let her know you miss her and miss being playful, ask her if she's happy, too. WOO her, like you're teenagers. Ask your wife if she feels sexy. If your wife isn't feeling sexy, ask her how you can help her feel sexy. Does she want to start going to the gym? Go with her. Does she want more sleep? Let her sleep in. Tell her, every day, how much you love her.

 

I also suggest watching this video (copy and paste this in your seach bar) ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en