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Triggers that linger...


strugglinghubby

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strugglinghubby

Well I'm about 10 months since DDay now, and my WW and I are still together, still working on moving forward. My emotions have been like a roller-coaster, however as time goes on the lows have been getting not quite as deep. However over the last few weeks something strange has started happening. I still get triggers etc as normal, and in the past I'd trigger and then half an hour or an hour later I'd be over it. But lately I've been triggering and it's been hanging around much longer. I sort of end up 'stalling' down at the bottom of one of those roller-coaster dips.

 

For example, as those who know my back story I ended up recovering deleted text messages to blow open the A. The other day my W changed her iPhone password to unlock the phone without saying anything, and so I triggered and started recalling what they said to each other in the messages then started playing out mind movies of when they were together etc. Usually this would've happened for a little while and then gone away. However this time it's stayed, and I've been in that place now for a good day and a half. The only thing that stops me thinking about it is when I'm playing with my daughter. It's even to the point now where to be honest it's starting to scare me. I don't want this to continue and end up living my life in a constant state of replaying everything over and over.

 

Has anyone else had this? Is this just a phase I'm going through, or is it a sign of something more permanent?

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AlwaysGrowing

Often we unconsciously trigger just from what time of year it is. You are coming up to the same time as last years Dday. So your world is starting to look like it was last August, starting to smell like August..sunscreen, the beach, BBQs...etc.

 

For those who suffer a form of PTSD from the infidelity...it is the body sending out alarms to protect itself....sending reminders of what to look for....how it felt...how things tied together...don't take things at face value....investigate...protect...protect..protect.

 

It is very much in the normal range of reactions/responses to the trauma felt by many post Dday.

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The concept of a certain time of year triggering things is a very interesting concept and something I have definitely experienced before.

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My entire first year was basically reliving/recreating memories. Every "antiversary" that passed, I remembered being gaslighted, ignored, snapped at... and each "antiversary" I had to learn to cope with those triggers, which in our case was compounded by OW making contact on those occasions that were the worst. My husband, for example, spent his birthday with her during the A, and then had the gall to send him a card for his birthday last year, with a note tat was written in "code" alluding to what they had done. Brace yourself for more, and be kind and understanding to yourself. I hope you're in IC. Sending you big love.

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Has anyone else had this? Is this just a phase I'm going through, or is it a sign of something more permanent?

 

Yes they are signs of trauma. Have you had any treatment for your trauma? It won't go away on it's own.

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Betrayed&Stayed
Is this just a phase I'm going through, or is it a sign of something more permanent?

 

It's a sign of something more permanent. As you heal and time passes the triggers will be less frequent and sting less.

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I still trigger 11 years later. Mostly its minor now, but every now and then it last days.

 

I know it sounds like common advice - but I try to focus on the positive things in my marriage or in myself and my life outside of the marriage. Still other times I try to just not give a sh!!t.

 

It also kind of depends on what your triggers are about - what are the specific things of the cheating or affair that hurt most.

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Mrs. John Adams

Triggers are memories. Memories don't ever completely go away....but they do lessen over time.

 

Memories can be triggered by smells and touch, sounds...all the senses.

 

Even bad memories can become less intrusive. We learn how to minimize the result the further way we get from the trauma.

 

We are 33 years after DDAY. Triggers still happen. But they are less crippling.

Be sure that when you do trigger...you share that with your spouse. In reconciliation...part of the healing process...is helping each other through the most painful moments. If you don't tell her...she cant give you reassurance.

 

She will learn as time goes on...to "see" some of the triggers. But...you are only 10 months out....healing takes 2-5 years...and can take 30. In the scope of things...you have only just begun.

 

Be sure you communicate...be sure she is aware of the boundaries she must establish...and that she needs to make absolutely everything transparent for you. She simply cannot change her passwords unless she discusses it with you first. She crossed a boundary....and needs to be told about it.

 

The bottom line....tell her. It is her job to make you feel safe. Changing a phone password frightened you. She did a bad thing....

 

Has she read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald? If she has...she needs to reread it. If she hasn't ...there is a free download on line...95 pages long...it will help her to be more aware of what she is doing.

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harrybrown

I read most of your posts.

 

Did she ever go to counseling to help her figure out how to not put you in this position again?

 

I know she swore on your daughter's life that nothing was going on.

 

Did she ever write out the complete time line of the A and get tested for stds?

 

She did not help you very much in letting the OM's SO what had happened.

What has she changed and read about how to help you heal? Did she read the books?

 

Has she thought about how she lied to you and how she would feel if you had an A?

 

Has she started showing you any respect? I do hope you have a good conversation with her.

 

My friend kept trying for years. His WW thought all was well. She did not do much to help him heal. At least not enough. He left her after a few years because it killed any love for her that he ever had.

 

Does she realize that her actions can have that continued impact?

 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

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TrustedthenBusted

what I found is that time really helped a lot. You just think something through enough times and you just kind of get tired of it.

 

Also, I found that once I started getting back to the things I enjoy - hanging with my friends - hobbies - activities etc... Doing the things that make me happy and restored my confidence, I really didn't trigger very often, very hard or very long. These days, they are triggers for her, and not so much me at all.

 

And the last thing that helped was I realized that ( despite what many here will say ) it was just sex. Billions of people are having it right now, and you know what...it's not that big a deal. Whatever they did was likely within the very normal spectrum of what you've done in the past, what she's done in the past, what everyone does. It...just....sex.

 

My wife will have sex 10,000 times in her life with me. So she had it 4 times with some other idiot. That supposed to knock my earth off its axis?

 

I mean it did for awhile... but really...not anymore.

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Two important questions.

 

 

How did you find out your WW changed her password?

 

 

Why did your WW change her password?

 

 

After an affair a WW should not even have her cell locked at any time.

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understand50

strugglinghubby,

 

Time will take care of most of them, and if your wife stays faithful, and true, that will help the most. You will regain trust and not have to watch your back. Triggers, or memories never go away, but the emotions they bring will subside.

 

Be prepared, 10 years from now if something else happens, not sexual related, to have resentment over her cheating come out. Something else in the marriage can bring stress, and the past resentments can bubble up. Be sure and not add the past to what ever you are work through at any given time. Work to fix the hear and now. In my case it was overspending, and her hiding it.

 

Lastly, after reading your thread again, I know you are sure you have all the details. Keep in mind, that she may have hidden the worst, and something can come out later. If she has been a good wife, and faithful, please weigh her good behavior gong forward from he affair, to what you may learn later. I remember, that she was on the path to having full on sex, but did not. If you find out latter that full on sex happened, keep in mind how she has acted form that point in the marriage. Keep a clear mind.

 

So you will never forget, but I think this is a good thing. It does show that under the right circumstances, your wife can forget herself. Help her so she does not. Communication is the key, both for your triggers, and hers. We forget that WS trigger as well, and if they are truly remorseful, the memories can be painful for them as well.

 

As for your emotions, I always remind myself, that I control them not the other way around. Of course it has helped that my wife has been faithful for 40 plus years. I also promised her, all those years ago, that if we stayed together, I would not "use" her transgression against her in fights on other no related issues, unless she was unfaithful. Keeping this promise has helped us the most. The best medicine is to more forward with your marriage and build to a better relationship.

 

I wish you luck..........

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10 months, oddly 10 months (according to stats) is the point where BH's turn the corner and start looking for a way out of the marriage.

 

I've been away from the site for about 6 months so I don't know your story, but I'm guessing your wife isn't really doing things that make you feel safe in the marriage. For triggers to get more intense is alarming In my opinion.

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strugglinghubby
10 months, oddly 10 months (according to stats) is the point where BH's turn the corner and start looking for a way out of the marriage.

 

I've been away from the site for about 6 months so I don't know your story, but I'm guessing your wife isn't really doing things that make you feel safe in the marriage. For triggers to get more intense is alarming In my opinion.

 

Interesting stat, I didn't know that.

 

She is doing things to try and make me feel 'safe', in terms of intense I wouldn't call them that. They are just different. The triggers in the few months after Dday were so intense that I was struggling to sleep and eat etc, this isn't on that level.

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strugglinghubby
Two important questions.

 

 

How did you find out your WW changed her password?

 

 

Why did your WW change her password?

 

 

After an affair a WW should not even have her cell locked at any time.

 

My phone was on charge in our bedroom and I wanted to check the weather for the next few days so I could plan my training out properly. I picked up her phone form the kitchen bench and couldn't unlock it. She had changed it to our wedding anniversary date, when I asked why she had changed it she said because our daughter has figured out how to unlock her phone and get on social media apps etc.

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strugglinghubby
I read most of your posts.

 

Did she ever go to counseling to help her figure out how to not put you in this position again?

 

I know she swore on your daughter's life that nothing was going on.

 

Did she ever write out the complete time line of the A and get tested for stds?

 

She did not help you very much in letting the OM's SO what had happened.

What has she changed and read about how to help you heal? Did she read the books?

 

Has she thought about how she lied to you and how she would feel if you had an A?

 

Has she started showing you any respect? I do hope you have a good conversation with her.

 

My friend kept trying for years. His WW thought all was well. She did not do much to help him heal. At least not enough. He left her after a few years because it killed any love for her that he ever had.

 

Does she realize that her actions can have that continued impact?

 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

 

No she didn't go to counseling. We went through the timeline a number of times verbally, not written down. There were some holes in there I think, just minor details that I explained to her probably didn't mean anything to her but they did to me. I've got no doubt that I don't have completely all of the information, and I explained to her that I just have to assume the worst regarding the details I don't have and learn to accept that for what it may have been. E.g. the whole piece about getting dirt on the inside of her jeans, that is plausible that it may have happened when we were away for her birthday but it's also plausible that it happened while she was putting her pants off/on with him that night. The only way I've been able to get 'peace' with it is to assume that she has slept with him. I told her that in exactly those words, she didn't know what to say and looked very sad.

 

She has started showing me respect, and to be honest I've got a lot more for myself as well. It hurts me to say it but I don't think I've got the same level of love for her as I used to. I still love her, just not as intensely as I used to.

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drifter777

You never get all the trust back. Subconsciously, you will see her as a threat to your well-being forever.These are some of the things a man has to accept when he chooses to stay with a cheating wife.

 

Triggers & the mind movies that accompany them never go away. They get less frequent as the years go by but they never stop.

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understand50

strugglinghubby,

 

Yes, it has not been a year, but you can and may of us "BS's" do have good marriages and relationships. Triggers will reduce in time. My warning that after things settle your wife may give you more information, is just that. I do believe that there are things you have to do and well as she.

 

Right now you both a unsettled, and unsure of each other. Other then wanting to stay together, you both are dealing with the fall out. My only advise is to work together as much as you both can, to over come this.

 

She may have told you everything she can now, or be so frightened, that she believes she cannot tell you all. Simple human nature. As time goes on you may find she is more open. Assuming the worst, is the best course for you, as there will be no surprise later, and you can bake this in.

 

As for loving her, Yes, this is so. That is the "bitch" of the situation, you were betrayed, but you still love them. My only thought is to use that love to try and build. Something better can come of all this, but it will take a lot of work, time, and understanding.

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Affairs steal from you. However love has ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Over the course of a long relationship even without infidelity or betrayals love isn't at peak levels all the time. Of course you don't feel that same intense connection with her now. I wouldn't be alarmed by that at this point,

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She has started showing me respect, and to be honest I've got a lot more for myself as well. It hurts me to say it but I don't think I've got the same level of love for her as I used to. I still love her, just not as intensely as I used to.

 

Trickle truth - it's to protect her, not you. She is NOT showing you respect if she is not graciously and honestly answering every. stupid. question. you dare to ask with humility, patience, and understanding. The reason you have triggers is because she gave them to you. She can't stop you from having them, but she can help you diffuse them when they come.

 

You both need IC and MC - you shouldn't have to make it an ultimatum - and until you get there, you BOTH need to read Linda MacDonald's book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. It's available free online here http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

I am so sorry that you feel like you can't love your wife anymore but frankly, she's not making herself very endearing. She should be wooing you back, not throwing it back on you and making you feel like you're overreacting or being petty with a flip, "I don't know what to say..."

 

Healing is a process. I'm 18 months post d-day. I have extremely high expectations of myself, but recovery is 2-5 years. One foot in front of the other, my friend.

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Has anyone else had this? Is this just a phase I'm going through, or is it a sign of something more permanent?

 

Hi Struggling:

 

Most Infidelity experts say it takes at least two years for the triggers to lessen in duration.

 

Apparently they will never go away, but only get few and far between and lessen in intensity. But it takes at least two years.

 

Also, at some point, they may get worse before they start to get better. This typically happens at the two year mark, but could happen sooner, if things are now going well in the marriage.

 

This sounds as if it was a particularly strong trigger. So, your reaction seems normal, IMO.

 

I hope you asked your wife to not make similar changes without notifying you.

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My phone was on charge in our bedroom and I wanted to check the weather for the next few days so I could plan my training out properly. I picked up her phone form the kitchen bench and couldn't unlock it. She had changed it to our wedding anniversary date, when I asked why she had changed it she said because our daughter has figured out how to unlock her phone and get on social media apps etc.

 

The password should be changed every few months, and her logic for changing it rings true, IMO.

 

Also the fact that she used your anniversary is a good sign, and it likely would have been easy for you to figure it out. Maybe she meant to tell you but forgot.

 

I like this advice from Trusted and Busted:

 

He said:

And the last thing that helped was I realized that ( despite what many here will say ) it was just sex. Billions of people are having it right now, and you know what...it's not that big a deal. Whatever they did was likely within the very normal spectrum of what you've done in the past, what she's done in the past, what everyone does. It...just....sex. ... My wife will have sex 10,000 times in her life with me. So she had it 4 times with some other idiot. That supposed to knock my earth off its axis?
My wife also said that she relegated the affair to the same compartment in her mind where sex with my pre-marriage ex girlfriends' reside.

 

Really, how is it any different? It was just sex, it wasn't a REAL relationship.

 

She is still with you. She used your anniversary as the New password. IMO, that says something good.

 

If she lied to you during the affair and that bothers you, it might help to remember all the times you lied to your Parents, or someone else you actually cared about.

 

It happens. We are human. Everyone lies.

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If she lied to you during the affair and that bothers you, it might help to remember all the times you lied to your Parents, or someone else you actually cared about.

 

It happens. We are human. Everyone lies.

 

but not everyone has affairs.

lying to spouse is not equal to lying to parents. I can't believe this was even mentioned.

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I can understand triggering from an A after only 10 months, it takes awhile but honestly there's just honest triggering & there's over reacting & she changed her password, told you about it & that's it. I had an A & never had a password on my phone ever. Passwords don't cause or add to the A, it's the person decision to have an A, all that other crap doesn't matter. Try not to focus on petty things.

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I like this advice from Trusted and Busted:

 

He said: My wife also said that she relegated the affair to the same compartment in her mind where sex with my pre-marriage ex girlfriends' reside.

 

Really, how is it any different? It was just sex, it wasn't a REAL relationship.

 

She is still with you. She used your anniversary as the New password. IMO, that says something good.

 

If she lied to you during the affair and that bothers you, it might help to remember all the times you lied to your Parents, or someone else you actually cared about.

 

It happens. We are human. Everyone lies.

I'm reminded of when John McEnroe screamed at a line judge "You can't be serious!" How is my pre-maritial sex the same as my wife's cheating sex? This is not a rational statement and an insult to many BH's. So is saying that everyone lies so just get over her lying about her affair.

 

When a man talks about his wife's affair as "just sex" I just turn him off. His reality is so much different than mine that I can offer zero advice or opinions to him.

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