Another MM

[MrDevlish]

This is my first post to the forum. I've been immersing myself reading through the various postings related to my own predicament.

 

Here is my story.

 

I'm in my late 30's, and my wife is in her early 30's. We have been married for 5 years. The relationship I have with my wife is not bad. We get along well, and our relationship is built on a strong friendship. She pursued me, and in all honesty I would say her love for me is stronger than mine is for hers. Currently she is going through a serious health issue, and I will be there to support her through this tough time.

 

About 9 months ago, I started to get to know a lady at work. It started at a work function and then progressed to a physical relationship. We would start stealing time between breaks at work and after work to see each other. I would also visit her on the weekend. She has a 3 year old daughter, and when we first started the affair she was engaged but her fiance was overseas. 7 months into the affair she broke off her engagement, and started to question whether I would ever leave my wife. I could never give her the answer she wanted to hear as I did not know myself.

 

2 months ago, she decided she had enough, and wanted to end the affair, even though she claimed she loved me. I continued to message her and she would reply, but would not attempt to further the conversation. We would occasionally bump into each other at work once a week. 2 weeks ago, she asked me to come over, but I couldn't. Then last week, when I asked to visit her she declined and the previous week was a moment of weakness.

 

Now, I can't stop thinking of her, and here I am rambling on. I'm not sure what I'm after by posting this message, as I know any responses will only be negative.

[malvern99]

They may be negative from your perspective, but you must judge for yourself what is true and what is not.

 

My take on this is you must firstly tell your wife what you have been doing. She deserves basic decency and respect afforded all adults, and must be allowed to make her own decisions with all the relevant information. Anything less is manipulative and cruel.

 

I often ask this question. What type of advice would you want your wife to receive if she were asking strangers what to do about her affair? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

If you miss your AP that much, let your wife know and leave the marriage for your AP. Your wife deserves someone who loves her like you love AP. If you want to repair your marriage though, you have a lot of work to do, like not making things all about you. There are other people's lives in your orbit now, and you must take them and their feelings into account. Good luck.

[burnt]

Your OW:

Your OW broke off her engagement because she wanted a committed relationship with you. She gave up her engagement for YOU. Now she is left with neither you nor her fiancé.

She is stating clearly what she wants: either you be in her life 100% or leave her alone forever. Don't keep contacting her unless you are willing to be with her fully.

 

You:

Either you stay married or you get divorced. Whichever you choose, please choose to be 100% committed to ONE person--not half and half to two different women and breaking two hearts.

 

Your wife:

She has no clue what the love of her life is doing secretly behind her back. She has the right to know what you have been doing. She is your wife, not an employee. Disclose your affair and allow her to make up her mind about who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

You didn't mention any children; if you don't have children together, your wife has every right to know your affair before creating a life with you and planning the rest of her life by your side.

[katielee]

1st order of business: tell your wife

[MrDevlish]

I love my wife but confused whether im in love with her. At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her. The OW I've only known for 9 months. I have deep feelings for her but whether its lust its still too early to say. I know the hurt i am causing to the OW and inevitably to my wife but I am so confused.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is an ongoing thread here entitled broken.

 

Have you read the thread?

 

It is full of advice and books and opinions.

 

You are in a bad situation... And there is going to be advice given you are not going to like.

 

First... Take what you need and forget the rest.

 

I am an advocate for disclosure... Why? Because a relationship is built on honesty.

You owe it to your wife to tell her the truth.

 

So let's start here... Tell your wife what you have done and how you feel. Tell her that you want to do what is best for the both of you... And get yourself into therapy to help you understand why you have done this.

 

There is a poster here named shattered lady ... She will be able to give you great insight into your wife

[ChickiePops]

I am generally all for disclosing to the BS, but in this case, if she truly is going through a serious health issue, I think OP should wait to disclose until she is out of danger.

[ShatteredLady]

Can I ask.... Did your wife's health issues predate the affair? I don't necessarily mean her diagnosis. Was she sick before the affair took off?

 

Is it the kind of illness that could effect her ability to have children or do 'normal' things for the rest of her life or is it 'fixable'?

 

 

You mention the famous old "love her, not in love with her'. It's very early for The Seven Year Itch but I think most if not all couples realize that the initial, crazy in love, intensity of a relationship will always fade a bit & (hopefully) be replaced by a deeper true love that will see you through life.

 

I'm also sick & do recognize that it puts a lot of stress on a relationship. I also know that a patients mental well being can be vitally important to the management & recovery of many conditions.

 

My husband tried to keep his affair secret from me but his behavior changed so much that I knew something was very, very wrong. He didn't 'save me' anything! Not only am/was I terrified for my health, I also felt that I was loosing my family & my mind. I believed myself to be a burden & the stress made EVERYTHING far worse.

 

Then I discovered his affair! Adding severe depression, anxiety, crippling emotional pain & PTSD too everything I was/am physically going through is excruitiating.

 

Please, for the sake of everyone, make a choice & stick to it.

[jenkins95]

I love my wife but confused whether im in love with her.

 

Of course you're confused - you've been running round with another woman, conducting an exciting, secret, elicit, intense emotional and physical relationship behind your wife's back with another woman (no judgement here from me - I did exactly the same). No way can you know what your true feelings for your wife are when you are still in the middle of all this - all your perceptions, expectations and norms are distorted and skewed right now - it's very dangerous to make judgements on your true feelings about your wife and marriage while you are in this state.

 

If you break things off completely with the OW and go strict, permanent no contact and work like crazy on your marriage, perhaps a few months from now your head will be clear enough to assess what your wife and your marriage really mean to you. Don't expect any clarity while you are still, in any small way, in contact with the OW and harbouring thoughts of another life with her. Your head is like a plate of spaghetti right now.

 

At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her. The OW I've only known for 9 months. I have deep feelings for her but whether its lust its still too early to say. I know the hurt i am causing to the OW and inevitably to my wife but I am so confused.

Please don't hide behind the "I can't leave her" excuse. I did that too - it is a morally weak stance. Whatever her health, your wife would very unlikely want you to stay purely out of obligation if you don't really love her.

 

My advice is to go complete NC with the OW now, work on your marriage, keep posting here and ideally get counselling too. It's so hard to make decisions and assess your own desires and needs when you are torn between two women like this. If after several months hard work your marriage is going nowhere, then it could be time to look into separation options, but to run away from your marriage straight into the OW's arms right now with everything up in the air and your head all over the place could be relationship suicide for everyone involved in your story.

 

Going NC with the OW is the first step towards clarity. Please look at the advice calmb4thestorm is getting on his thread. I think much of it is relevant to you too.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. I've been there too - it's awful. Be strong, remember your responsibilities and the people who are really important in your life and have given you everything, listen to advice, don't avoid the difficult thoughts and thought processes and don't do anything rash. Remember that your perceptions of both women are likely skewed by affair fog right now - your OW can't do anything wrong and your W can't do anything right - it is important to recognise this as a temporary trick that your mind is cruelly playing on you. Stay strong and do the right things and you will be OK.

 

Keep posting, we're here.

[gemini6]

I'd say tell your wife and let her kick you to the curb. If the OW wants a liar and cheater she can have it -

 

I'm sure your wife deserves far better and can do much better. Let her go so that she can find a real MAN instead of a selfish little boy, one who won't cheat and lie and sneak behind her back.

 

Please, let's not pretend that you are staying out of the goodness of your heart - because of her "health issues" - don't use that as justification and excuses so that you can cake eat..or fence sit - MAN UP - don't be such a coward and tell the truth - take the consequences and go get the "greener grass"

What are you so confused about? If you want the OW so much..GO. Go get it baby - just don't be a coward about it. Don't snake your way out the door and don't blame her for your affair - be honest to her and to yourself.

[wmacbride]

First off, take a deep breath and find you centre.

 

You will get through this.

 

Secondly, this has to stop. You are hurting two women, yourself and in a round about way, your ow's child. This isn't good for any of you.

 

Speaking for myself, if I was in your wife's shoes, which I was at one point, I would want to know what my ws was up to, for so many reasons.

 

Firstly, it's a matter of respect. You are showing her zero respect.

 

Secondly, you are potentially exposing a woman who is facing health problems to the specter of STD's . I know you'll say that your ow isn't slepeing with anyone else, and you trust her. Guess what? Your wife trusts you, her ex-fiance trusted her, but look what's been going on.

 

Third, you are potentially exposing your wife to post affair antics of your ow. Again, I know you think she will never od anything like that, but that's what my H thought about his ex-ow too. It took years to get her out of our lives, and we even had to go as far as getting legal help to do so. Your wife deserve the respect of knowing that this ow could potentially begin invading her life even more than she is right now.

 

Fourth, and most importantly, your wife deserves to be able to make informed choices about her life. In her shoes, wouldn't you also want the same respect? I know it may be hard to hear but the excuse of not being able to tell her because she is facing a health issue is bull. it's kind of hard to accept that should be a consideration when you are already engaging in behavior that could devastate her. Both you and your ow are engaging in behavior that has a very high risk of blowing your wife's life apart at a time when she should be able to count on you the most.

 

What I am using way too many words to try and say is get your sh@t togtehr and figure out what you want. You have no right to drag your wife through this. If you think its going to get any easier for her to hear it once her illness is no longer an issue, you are dead wrong. It will be even harder. She'll have gone through a tough time, and then to hear " sorry honey. I love you but I am not in love with you and I have decided that, now that you are feeling better, i am going to walk out on you for my ow" will be incredibly cruel.

 

btw, I hope you are not interacting with your ow's daughter on any level. That is just plain wrong.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry Mrs Adams, we were posting at the same time. I'm not sure I've given insight. Her health shouldn't be a deciding factor. Believing that the love of your life is actually giving you 'pity love & company' is devastating.

 

At one point I learnt that my H believed that he was choosing between a future life of "love, romance & adventure" & being stuck in a blah existence with a burden cripple. THAT's the most painful thing! I wanted to die....that's not exactly conducive to a speedy recovery from cancer or maintaining the best attitude for pain management!

 

 

I repeat... Make a decision & stick to it!

 

We've been together for 26 years & have 2 young children.

 

I do believe that many people in our modern Hollywood world love being in-love & don't have what it takes for a real marriage. If you're one of them I think it's best to accept it & give-up on marriage or monogamy...until you're about 60 & looking for support in your later years.

 

...or maybe I'm feeling a bit bitter today.

[MrDevlish]

Yes, I have tried NC with OW. As she explains it she loves me but is now building a wall to protect herself and her daughter, which is understandable. I know my flaws and i know what I am doing is wrong and selfish. Just need to sort myself out which is why I posted here. Unfortunately, this A has resulted in pushing my wife away and also taking out my frustrations on her.

[jenkins95]

Yes, I have tried NC with OW. As she explains it she loves me but is now building a wall to protect herself and her daughter, which is understandable. I know my flaws and i know what I am doing is wrong and selfish. Just need to sort myself out which is why I posted here. Unfortunately, this A has resulted in pushing my wife away and also taking out my frustrations on her.

 

I understand MrD. I was there too. One of the cruellest things is that the one person who deserves it least of all, your wife, becomes the outlet for your resentment and frustration - it's wicked, but it happens. I wince at how I have been at times with my wife - when it was ME who did all the bad stuff and she has never once gone astray. But I am so trying to make up for it now.

 

The point is, you can get it back if you want to. It's hard to see past the OW now because she dominates your thoughts, but you can get over her if you want to. But do you want to? Do you even WANT to want to? That's a start.

[Cymbeline]

'our relationship is built on a strong friendship.'

 

Sorry to go all Jane Austen on you but for an enduring marriage, this is the golden thread in your story. I think lots in your position probably prefer Emily Bronte, but imo ,Kathy was always in need of a good shaking, Heathcliff was in desperate need of a good child psychologist and they all died in the end after making everyone miserable for ages.

[lemondrop21]

2 months ago, she decided she had enough, and wanted to end the affair, even though she claimed she loved me. I continued to message her and she would reply, but would not attempt to further the conversation. We would occasionally bump into each other at work once a week. 2 weeks ago, she asked me to come over, but I couldn't. Then last week, when I asked to visit her she declined and the previous week was a moment of weakness.

 

Your OW is trying to do what's best for her, though she is struggling a bit (not surprising). By continuing to message her, it seems to me that you are not respecting her wishes and are keeping her "hooked" even though you're still unsure of what you want. What's wrong with stopping the messaging for now and giving both of you some space to breathe? Yes, you will obsess with thoughts of her at the beginning of NC, but if you think of this as a pause to assess your situation, hopefully you can get through the obsession and end up in a place where you can think more clearly.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her.

 

I find it interesting to see where individuals draw the line. You are being so honorable (<sarcasm) in staying by her side while she deals with her health issues. Yet, you won't honor her by not screwing around behind her back with a women that you hardly know.

 

FWIW - the fact that this is going on while your wife needs you the most and it most vulnerable will cut double deep for her.

[wmacbride]

op,

 

is it at al possible that part of your A could be based on fear of your wife depending on you so heavily when she is ill, perhaps even a resentment of her needing to do so? Is it maybe even partly based on a fear of losing her to her medical condition?

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes, the paradox is that fear of losing their husband or wife can cause their spouse to detach somewhat from them. cheating is one sure way to make that happen.

 

Of course, I could be shooting in the dark here, and maybe those don't apply to your situtaion at all.

[MrDevlish]

Thanks all for your replies. I hope to answer some of the questions raised when I get time. In the meantime I need to resist the temptation of IM her while at work. Just checking each day whether she is in the office. She recently moved to another department for a 2 month stint otherwise we would be working side by side. She may or may not return.

[EverySunset]

My XWH used to go after single mothers especially. Why?

 

Because they are so vulnerable. Not always, but so often they are. They were struggling hard for money, taking care of their child(ren), and a caring man to hold them or make them feel safe again. He became their KISA (knight in tarnished armor) and kept them on a string. When I found out, I was HORRIFIED. I was angry at him that I actually felt bad for the girls he kept on a leash because of their situation in life.

 

I know you have real feelings for your OW. She has real feelings for you! But the situation traps her in a guilt cycle where she realizes she is with someone she has no future with. You are a caregiver on some level to your ill wife, and so that probably adds another layer of guilt for her. If she didn't feel guilty about that kind of situation, to the point of correcting it herself, is she even the kind of girl you'd want to be with? She has morals, feelings, and responsibilities. No matter how she feels about you, she has a tiny life she is responsible for, too.

 

You have two very vulnerable women on the line that seem to love you very much. Please be gentle and kind, no matter what you choose to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

She has a 3 year old daughter, and when we first started the affair she was engaged but her fiance was overseas.

 

If her fiance is a deployed serviceman, I'd be very careful upon his return ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused9999]

I just gave this advice on another thread and I think this applies as well. I totally agree with Jenkins on this.

 

My Affair lasted 3 years so I know exactly what it's like and then some! I'm NC now for 3 months...

 

Very hard in the beginning but gets much easier with time. I thought of telling my W but decided not to and it was the right thing for me since my feelings are coming back.

 

 

I would not tell your BW at this point. The chance of discovery is very low, And although a lot of people are into the full disclosure I don't agree.

Let the emotions settle after NC and then after 6 months or so decide if you want to tell your BW if you don't love her anymore and want to move on or things are better for you emotionally with your W at that point.

 

 

You have to make these big decisions when you are emotionally ready and not in a panic or in affair fog.

The only way to do that is go NC and let the dust settle. It will be much better for you and your AP this way. It will give you and her time to think.

If it's meant to be then when you become rational again you can make a solid and rational decision which way to go!

 

Disclosing all will crush her and totally destroy her reality. What exactly will be the purpose?! People say she has a right to know.. Well there are many things in life you were better not knowing, and if you didn't find out you would of lived much happier without any impact or knowledge of what transpired. (This advice of course is meant if you stop the affair and totally dedicate to your wife!)

Edited June 2, 2016 by Confused9999

[Satu]

I love my wife but confused whether im in love with her. At the moment she is undergoing serious health issues so I cannot leave her. The OW I've only known for 9 months. I have deep feelings for her but whether its lust its still too early to say. I know the hurt i am causing to the OW and inevitably to my wife but I am so confused.

 

 

Being as you are the corner of the triangle that posted, I'll refer only to yourself.

 

 

I have two questions for you:

 

 

1. In your own way of thinking, what does the word, love, mean?

 

2. In your own way of thinking, what does it mean, to be in love?

 

 

I'm interested in hearing your answers.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Satu

[MrDevlish]

Below is a letter she wrote to me when she first tried to go NC after she found out about my wifes illness.

 

Dear xxxx

 

Not sure why I’m writing this, but you told me once that I should try to write down my emotions (albeit, this will not be as fancy as a poem), so here I am. Why am I writing to you? Because it’s your fault I feel the way I do right now. So I shall hurl my abuse in your deserving direction.

 

Do not doubt for a second how much I love you. There are so many reasons why I love you, I wouldn’t even know where to start. You make me laugh, you challenge me, you make me feel safe, you make me feel like it is okay to just be me - however imperfect that might be. Even in your silence, I am comfortable. I miss you when you are not around. You are always in my thoughts. And of course, let us not forget how incredibly physically attracted to you I am.

 

But xxxx. I just don’t know where to go from here. You told me you love me, and that was amazing, everything intensified once we got those three words out into the open. But what now? How do we move forward? I feel like every time I look to you for validation, I don’t get it. All I ever get is the stock standard response, “I understand, I’m sorry” or “okay”. You told me that you aren’t good at expressing your emotions, but you have got to give me SOMETHING. You have never once given me any indication that you want to be with me, and only me. And that just makes me feel used and unloved. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is the only possible outcome - but if you have no intention of leaving your wife to be with me - then just tell me. I need honesty. Don’t let me wait around forever for something that is never going to happen. How is that fair to me? Or your wife for that matter?

 

And don’t forget that my daughter is involved. She’s gotten to know you, and the longer this goes on, the more emotionally involved she becomes. How is it fair on her if you are just dragging this out as long as I’ll let you? She deserves better than that and so do I.

 

And now this addition to the situation, with your wife being unwell. I feel like the worst person in the world. I had conveniently made her out to be this horrible, evil person in my head - but now it becomes so clear to me that she isn’t. She’s going through something which I’m sure is quite traumatic, and no one should have to go through that, and here I am hoping her husband will leave her for me? It makes me feel sick to the stomach that I could think these things while she’s going through all this. What kind of a person am I?

 

In addition to that, I feel suddenly like an outsider to your life. There is so much going on for you that I am not a part of. I want to be a part of your entire life - not just be in a compartment that you tell no one about. I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, I want to be your everything and I want to be able to share your entire life with you.

 

I feel I deserve to be someone’s one and only. Don’t I? Doesn’t everyone? And I would love nothing more than to be your one and only...but I just don’t feel like you feel the same way. Every time I look to you for validation, I don’t get it. At this point, I feel like you’re just stringing me along.

 

I want to move on with my life and find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. If that’s not you, then please just tell me.

 

I love you. Always.

 

Name xxx

[wmacbride]

Below is a letter she wrote to me when she first tried to go NC after she found out about my wifes illness.

 

Dear xxxx

 

Not sure why I’m writing this, but you told me once that I should try to write down my emotions (albeit, this will not be as fancy as a poem), so here I am. Why am I writing to you? Because it’s your fault I feel the way I do right now. So I shall hurl my abuse in your deserving direction.

 

Do not doubt for a second how much I love you. There are so many reasons why I love you, I wouldn’t even know where to start. You make me laugh, you challenge me, you make me feel safe, you make me feel like it is okay to just be me - however imperfect that might be. Even in your silence, I am comfortable. I miss you when you are not around. You are always in my thoughts. And of course, let us not forget how incredibly physically attracted to you I am.

 

But xxxx. I just don’t know where to go from here. You told me you love me, and that was amazing, everything intensified once we got those three words out into the open. But what now? How do we move forward? I feel like every time I look to you for validation, I don’t get it. All I ever get is the stock standard response, “I understand, I’m sorry” or “okay”. You told me that you aren’t good at expressing your emotions, but you have got to give me SOMETHING. You have never once given me any indication that you want to be with me, and only me. And that just makes me feel used and unloved. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is the only possible outcome - but if you have no intention of leaving your wife to be with me - then just tell me. I need honesty. Don’t let me wait around forever for something that is never going to happen. How is that fair to me? Or your wife for that matter?

 

And don’t forget that my daughter is involved. She’s gotten to know you, and the longer this goes on, the more emotionally involved she becomes. How is it fair on her if you are just dragging this out as long as I’ll let you? She deserves better than that and so do I.

 

And now this addition to the situation, with your wife being unwell. I feel like the worst person in the world. I had conveniently made her out to be this horrible, evil person in my head - but now it becomes so clear to me that she isn’t. She’s going through something which I’m sure is quite traumatic, and no one should have to go through that, and here I am hoping her husband will leave her for me? It makes me feel sick to the stomach that I could think these things while she’s going through all this. What kind of a person am I?

 

In addition to that, I feel suddenly like an outsider to your life. There is so much going on for you that I am not a part of. I want to be a part of your entire life - not just be in a compartment that you tell no one about. I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, I want to be your everything and I want to be able to share your entire life with you.

 

I feel I deserve to be someone’s one and only. Don’t I? Doesn’t everyone? And I would love nothing more than to be your one and only...but I just don’t feel like you feel the same way. Every time I look to you for validation, I don’t get it. At this point, I feel like you’re just stringing me along.

 

I want to move on with my life and find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. If that’s not you, then please just tell me.

 

I love you. Always.

 

Name xxx

 

Okay, I know my next statement is going to go over like a ton of bricks but I will say it anyway.

 

What a load of baloney.

 

She is playing the victim card, when she is anything but. She was an engaged mother with a fiance who was overseas. I don't know if that meant he was overseas in the civilian world or as a deployed military member, but either way, it doesn't sound like it took her long to get involved with someone else (you).

 

I also have little use for a mother wo woudl allow her child to get involved in the affair, albeit by proxy. She allowed her daughter to get to know you,a married man whom she was cheating on her daughter's father with, then she has the gall to try and use that to make you feel guilty?

 

"And don’t forget that my daughter is involved. She’s gotten to know you, and the longer this goes on, the more emotionally involved she becomes. How is it fair on her if you are just dragging this out as long as I’ll let you? She deserves better than that and so do I."

 

I have seen plenty of stories on here from ow, but very few contain this type of behavior. Most would find that sort of thing to be a very bad idea, and kepe any children they might have out of the situation until mm is divorced or at least completely separated from his bs.

 

As for her feeling guilty about your wife? At this point, after sleeping with her husband she suddenly feels guilty? Oh come off of it. That's incredibly insincere. If she felt that guilty, she'd stop the A altogether and not allow you to contact her at all. No emails, messages, letters, etc.