BS protecting themselves from being hurt

[wmacbride]

Another thread has brought a question to my mind.

 

If you are a bs who was completely emotionally open and vulnerable with your husband or wife before they had an affair, have you been able to reach that point again in your M? alternatively, do you find that there is sill a part of yourself that you no longer keep open to them, as you want to avoid being vulnerable and hurt again?

 

I suppose this all blends into being able to trust again.

 

I trust my spouse more than I trust anyone else, except myself. I almost trust him 100%, but I admit I am not fully there (100%) yet. While we both share all our passwords, etc., I don't check his phone, email or laptop, and he doesn't check mine, though we both could if we wnated to. If he wants to go out for an evening with the guys at his friends place, I am fine with that and don't wonder what he's doing while he's there. When he goes away for work I don;t wonder if he's sleeping with someone else while he's gone.

 

In these areas, I trust him. Mind you, there is that teeny, tiny little piece that, knowing what he did, will always wonder if he could do it again. Most of the time, that piece is silent.

[NTV]

Another thread has brought a question to my mind.

 

If you are a bs who was completely emotionally open and vulnerable with your husband or wife before they had an affair, have you been able to reach that point again in your M? alternatively, do you find that there is sill a part of yourself that you no longer keep open to them, as you want to avoid being vulnerable and hurt again?

 

I suppose this all blends into being able to trust again.

 

I trust my spouse more than I trust anyone else, except myself. I almost trust him 100%, but I admit I am not fully there (100%) yet. While we both share all our passwords, etc., I don't check his phone, email or laptop, and he doesn't check mine, though we both could if we wnated to. If he wants to go out for an evening with the guys at his friends place, I am fine with that and don't wonder what he's doing while he's there. When he goes away for work I don;t wonder if he's sleeping with someone else while he's gone.

 

In these areas, I trust him. Mind you, there is that teeny, tiny little piece that, knowing what he did, will always wonder if he could do it again. Most of the time, that piece is silent.

 

 

 

Heck yeah there is. There is now a definitive line of actions/behavior/words I will not tolerate and would divorce her over. She doesn't need to know that line or when she crosses it. My walk-away-from-her-**** line gone advanced several miles forward and I have no inclination whatsoever to share that. She either acts like this marriage and me and our family is important. Anything less than that is failure, and I will not tolerate failure any longer.

 

 

She doesn't HAVE to be a wife or a mother or Daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. Those roles to play in her life are privileges. Privileges that can be revoked either by herself or by me. (or I guess the state in some cases)

[katielee]

do you find that there is sill a part of yourself that you no longer keep open to them, as you want to avoid being vulnerable and hurt again?

 

 

yes.

10 characters.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You know...I think from the minute John said....I want you to stay....he put his heart right back into my hands....

 

How can you make the decision to stay together unless you are willing to be vulnerable yet again? Are you afraid? absolutely.....even as the cheater....because you are also putting yourself back into a broken relationship....even though you know you are the one who broke it.

 

But I think you have to be willing to take the risk .....and you hope beyond hope....you are right.

 

Sometimes...it doesn't pay off....sometimes it does....

 

I thank God everyday that John was willing to try....even though i know he was devastated.

[Sub]

I think I'm more open post-A than I was before. Part of it is just not relying as much on her for happiness and validation. I don't want to say I care less, but maybe more take-it-or-leave-it. Another part of it is that I think I was not open enough prior to her getting into it, and I think it may have contributed to her feeling the way she felt about our M at that point.

[oldshirt]

You are talking about emotions and feelings.

 

I get that, but we all need to keep in mind that trying to reconcile with a WS carries some real world dangers.

 

WSs have decided to leave and take the joint accounts with them leaving the BS penny less. WSs have abandoned their parental and homeowner responsibilities leaving the BS to raise the children and foot all the bills and debts alone.

 

Read a major newspaper for just a couple days and you will come across at least one story of a BS being killed by a WS or an AP.

 

Those risks of taking back a WS are real. It is naive and irresponsible to think that one should just keep an eye on a phone or laptop for awhile and then just get over it.

[ladydesigner]

I think I have detached to where I am completely cut off from getting hurt by him. Anything negative my WH displays only reinforces why I stay protective of myself. I'm actually happy believe it or not, until my WH gets moody, martyrish (is that a word ) or selfish. He almost always tries to make his pain about me, his job or something else. I don't listen to it anymore though I either walk out or tell him what I think he's doing and I don't participate in the madness.

 

I think most BS's will always have a piece of themselves kept for just them.

[katielee]

 

I think most BS's will always have a piece of themselves kept for just them.

 

my post was not well thought out. editing it out.

[ShatteredLady]

I was just living my life. I'd been through some bloody hard times socially, physically & mentally but I was basically content because I had my little family. My daughter was going to be starting kindergarten the next year. I'd developed a friendship with a lady neighbor & we were talking about baby sitting for eachother. I'd just discovered why I was feeling so terrible & had surgery.

 

Things weren't bad but the 'challenges' were being fixed. Then BANG! Like being hit by a truck at the traffic lights. How does one ever 'relax' again when in any moment, for any reason, everything can be ripped away from you?

 

I've made huge mistakes in my life. With horror I realize I'm a middle aged woman who is physically compromised & even if I wasn't I've made the 'dumb' choice of moving for my H & being a SAHM.

 

I would love to trust. I'd love to breath & relax. I'm braced for impact 24/7 & it's a killer. I guess as time progresses I will find peace again, or maybe not.

 

I have this urge to lecture young women on never becoming dependent (Sorry for any military or other traveling profession man. How can it be worth the risks?) I was never this woman. How can I find peace when I believe "Stand by your man" is one of the worst things a mother can ever do because you could be left destitute at any time.

 

I don't want to feel like this.

[pheonixrisen]

Before my h affair ...I was not open to him I mostly kept him out esp when things did not go my way ...I was egoistic...nothing was ever my fault ...If he made one mistake I would blow it out to huge proportion I emotionally cut him out a lot even though he bought it up many times I have always been like that ...

 

I love my h and am fiercely loyal and protective of him ...but I have the above grey shades in my character that I did not realise I was doing or had when something is a habit you don't realise that it's causing other pain and suffering

 

my h attitude behaviour etc towards me has always been constant he has always reached out always easily forgave even though I was not sorry ...He let me get away with a lot of negative behaviour ...

 

Even during the affair his behaviour towards me never changed that's why I had no idea or clue ..an affair was happening right under my nose ...

 

After his affair which he took 100 % responsibility for ...I played no part in that ..even through the first few months I never allowed him to console me .touch me .or let him get close to me it was only a year later when healing began

 

I started to see my behaviour towards him and it's weird even though we lost a lot there are certain things we gained I am more open to him more vulnerable ...i had to relearn that it took a lot of concious effort on my part to let him in ..I changed my behaviour towards him over time ...We are much more closer emotionally than we were before his affair ...

 

I have not forgiven the affair it may take me a long time to do that and hopefully I will decades later but today we are doing good ...

 

My heart is more layed bare now than before his affair ...His too ..but if there was a part of me I close now a reconciliation would not work ...not for us at least ...There is a possibility I could easily be hurt again but I will deal with it then if it ever comes to that ..For now I want to focus on us our marriage our family .

Edited May 25, 2016 by pheonixrisen

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are talking about emotions and feelings.

 

I get that, but we all need to keep in mind that trying to reconcile with a WS carries some real world dangers.

 

WSs have decided to leave and take the joint accounts with them leaving the BS penny less. WSs have abandoned their parental and homeowner responsibilities leaving the BS to raise the children and foot all the bills and debts alone.

 

Read a major newspaper for just a couple days and you will come across at least one story of a BS being killed by a WS or an AP.

 

Those risks of taking back a WS are real. It is naive and irresponsible to think that one should just keep an eye on a phone or laptop for awhile and then just get over it.

 

you will also read stories of WW being killed by BH....more often than the other way around.

[oldshirt]

you will also read stories of WW being killed by BH....more often than the other way around.

 

 

 

Oh yeah, there is plenty of violence to go around.

 

 

But my point was that there are actual real world dangers. It's not just about mending hurt feelings.

[Red123]

Oh yeah, there is plenty of violence to go around.

 

 

But my point was that there are actual real world dangers. It's not just about mending hurt feelings.

 

That is true but those are risks in any relationship. If the person is capable of things like that than they are, cheater or not.

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes...infidelity is devastating

 

yes.... it can be financially disastrous

 

yes...it destroys people...it can even cause death

 

yes...some people recover...but no one recovers without scars....even those who divorce...and especially innocent children....however.....

 

The op asked...do BS protect themselves from being hurt...not SHOULD they...but DO they

 

obviously...some BS are "smarter" than others and they get the hell out of dodge....

 

but many...STAY....and the question is...do you protect yourself from being hurt again?

 

I wish with all my heart no one had to experience infidelity....especially my husband....

 

but the fact is...infidelity exists...and it isn't fair

[ShatteredLady]

There's this little part of me deep inside that wants to believe in the good in people. I like to believe that if people had any REAL idea of just how much agony infidelity inflicts on all involved they wouldn't do it!

 

Of course I knew that adultery existed & I consider myself pretty empathic. I honestly had no idea it could hurt this much. It's not just the pain, it's the loss of so very much, innocence, faith, belief in love & commitment.

 

I think I have to protect myself. I know that part of me has just shut down. Being vulnerable to that kind of agony again would be so self destructive. I just don't think I could handle it. I am aware that my extreme destruction is probably the result of being hit by SO VERY MANY THINGS all at the same time. Regardless, we all know to pull our hand away from something that is burning us. It's pretty much the same thing for me.

[CoolHandLuke76]

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

There used to be 100% blind trust. No longer. Ever again.

Any sign of crossing boundaries whatsoever and I'm gone.

[ladydesigner]

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

There used to be 100% blind trust. No longer. Ever again.

Any sign of crossing boundaries whatsoever and I'm gone.

 

CoolHandLuke76 I know what you mean! I'm on 3rd strike you're out! There's actually a lyric I like on the radio by J Cole:

 

"Fool me one time, shame on you"

"Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you"

"Fool me three times, f**k the peace signs" ✌?️

[ShatteredLady]

CoolHandLuke.

 

Although I COMPLETELY agree with you it's that reality that's causing me the most problems I think. I'm mourning the loss of my innocence & faith.

 

I loved, truly LOVED that feeling of family. Safety, security, blind trust, unconditional love, that one person who knew me & all my faults but loved me completely, regardless. Loved me in my PJs, no makeup. My family that I didn't have to 'pretend' for.

 

I'm having difficulty seeing the point of sharing my life & home with 'just a man', someone who I need to be at my best for. Someone who can walk out the door at any time. It's shallow & dark & frightening & very stressful.

 

If people are so replaceable I might as well be with the richest, most handsome, fit, intelligent, funny man I can get! If love, history & family means so little what's the point of my love, loyalty, care & compassion? It becomes weakness!

 

I've lost my FAITH.

 

If I have to keep parts of myself back so I can keep ME safe what's the point?

Edited May 26, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Joie]

We are only a year into R and I am not yet at the 100% trust level. I have moments of doubt and worry that I am missing the signs. I try to tell my H when I feel this way. That gives him the chance to reassure me. I do hope to be back to the point where I don't have those wayward thoughts but I am not there yet. I do prefer just telling DH that I am worried because he running late from work over stalking his phone and email (I do have access to this if I want it). We try to make it silly. He will send me a goofy selfie of him at work or him by a road sign. One time he sent me a proof of life selfie with a newspaper. (We have an odd sense of humor).

[ShatteredLady]

Joie. That's really cute!

 

My H sends me a little map thing when he leaves work & me & the kids can watch his little car driving home. I have access to everything but he's a computer geek, he could hide anything he really wanted to.

 

My H's character shift is so extreme I know that I would KNOW if he was having an affair TODAY. The only reason it took me so long to spot it this time was I was recovering from major surgery, heavily medicated & depressed (& of course COMPLETELY trusting)

 

What breaks me is the knowledge that he can do it to me. That he could do it to me again. That WE are not who I thought that we were.

[EverySunset]

You are talking about emotions and feelings.

 

I get that, but we all need to keep in mind that trying to reconcile with a WS carries some real world dangers.

 

WSs have decided to leave and take the joint accounts with them leaving the BS penny less. WSs have abandoned their parental and homeowner responsibilities leaving the BS to raise the children and foot all the bills and debts alone.

 

Read a major newspaper for just a couple days and you will come across at least one story of a BS being killed by a WS or an AP.

 

Those risks of taking back a WS are real. It is naive and irresponsible to think that one should just keep an eye on a phone or laptop for awhile and then just get over it.

 

This is exactly what happened to me. After "forgiving" his affair and attempting to R, he became a hidden addict and alcohol and heaped abuse upon me, the likes to which it took months to get out from under. When I did, I found years of infidelity.

 

I'm glad when people truly want to, and can R. But I do think that Oldshirt is right - there's so much more at stake than broken hearts.

 

Broken bones, for example.

[pheonixrisen]

We are only a year into R and I am not yet at the 100% trust level. I have moments of doubt and worry that I am missing the signs. I try to tell my H when I feel this way. That gives him the chance to reassure me. I do hope to be back to the point where I don't have those wayward thoughts but I am not there yet. I do prefer just telling DH that I am worried because he running late from work over stalking his phone and email (I do have access to this if I want it). We try to make it silly. He will send me a goofy selfie of him at work or him by a road sign. One time he sent me a proof of life selfie with a newspaper. (We have an odd sense of humor).

 

Same here ..4 years on I ask him not to do it ...but he does anyway

[NTV]

CoolHandLuke.

 

Although I COMPLETELY agree with you it's that reality that's causing me the most problems I think. I'm mourning the loss of my innocence & faith.

 

I loved, truly LOVED that feeling of family. Safety, security, blind trust, unconditional love, that one person who knew me & all my faults but loved me completely, regardless. Loved me in my PJs, no makeup. My family that I didn't have to 'pretend' for.

 

I'm having difficulty seeing the point of sharing my life & home with 'just a man', someone who I need to be at my best for. Someone who can walk out the door at any time. It's shallow & dark & frightening & very stressful.

 

If people are so replaceable I might as well be with the richest, most handsome, fit, intelligent, funny man I can get! If love, history & family means so little what's the point of my love, loyalty, care & compassion? It becomes weakness!

 

I've lost my FAITH.

 

If I have to keep parts of myself back so I can keep ME safe what's the point?

 

I had to really struggle not to say 'if people are so replaceable you'd be with me?!' But truly you post saddens me. Mostly because I've been there. The next step for me was to look at the pieces of myself lying on the floor and get motivated to pick them up and put myself back together. ... and decide which pieces I wanted to keep and which ones to toss. The piece of me that wanted to be funny because I was afraid of not being liked... tossed.

It sounds to me like you're holding that piece of yourself and wondering to keep it or toss it. Just set it back down and move on to another piece and come back. To it later.

There are pieces of myself that I tossed then that I wish I would have kept now. The idea that I'm a good person got tossed. At the time I thought I didn't want it or need it and needed to become harder. Only now do I regret that and see what that missing piece really means.

[wmacbride]

CoolHandLuke.

 

Although I COMPLETELY agree with you it's that reality that's causing me the most problems I think. I'm mourning the loss of my innocence & faith.

 

I loved, truly LOVED that feeling of family. Safety, security, blind trust, unconditional love, that one person who knew me & all my faults but loved me completely, regardless. Loved me in my PJs, no makeup. My family that I didn't have to 'pretend' for.

 

I'm having difficulty seeing the point of sharing my life & home with 'just a man', someone who I need to be at my best for. Someone who can walk out the door at any time. It's shallow & dark & frightening & very stressful.

 

If people are so replaceable I might as well be with the richest, most handsome, fit, intelligent, funny man I can get! If love, history & family means so little what's the point of my love, loyalty, care & compassion? It becomes weakness!

 

I've lost my FAITH.

 

If I have to keep parts of myself back so I can keep ME safe what's the point?

 

I am a very introverted and painfully shy person, and I had come to see my H as the one person I could completely trust and be open with.

 

After his A, I realized that I have to be able to depend upon ME 100%. I have kids who need me to be there 100% for them, and that is not going to change, no matter how old they get. even as adults, at least one of the,, and likely more, will be dependent on me, and I have to be able to be there for them.

 

I don't think he will ever have another A, as I have seen how much it broke him and how much hard work he put into himself afterwards. The problem is that, even though I can honestly say I'm 99 percent sure he would never cheat again, that one percent makes me have to be on my guard, at least a little bit.

 

I have to be able to be in a place where, even if he left, I could still be okay. I would be devastated, and I am far better and happier with him than without, but still, if he were to leave tomorrow, I could pick up the pieces and move on.

 

I have found that knowing I could be okay without him ha actually been liberating for both of us. He knows I stay because I want to and to because I have to, and we both know that the love we have is just that, love and not dependence.

[understand50]

I protect myself, by never wholly trusting her. While I give her the benefit of the doubt, I check up on her. In the back of my mind, I know she did this once, she can do this again, although, I will concede, the odds, have gone done over the years.

 

I insist on honesty, I want to know. Of all the things, I have learned and of all the things I do to "protect" myself it is to insist, and give complete honesty in my actions. I am not talking about the normal "white lies" we give each day, but the truth, in feeling and actions.

 

I have also learned, to look at what we have now and could have going forward.

 

My two cents.....