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Have we all learned lessons?


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thecharade

I get that WSs (like me) have a lot to fix and own. I have been in IC for many years, so I fully get that. But for the BS--especially those many years out from discovery--what are the things you have learned, things you can control and have changed about yourself--maybe about you personally or maybe about what you accept from others?

 

My brother married a woman who cheated on him as a girlfriend. We begged him not to, but he thought we were being nasty. Recently he and I had a chat and I asked him what he learned about himself from the whole ordeal. He said, "Me??? I didn't cheat! There is nothing to learn about myself other than don't marry losers!" I was shocked because there were always issues that he chose to overlook--for example, he loves a damsel in distress. He loves women who need him, but they are. . . needy. Ugh. They did MC, but when the divorce went forward, he dropped counseling. He is now dating another damsel in distress and the writing is on the wall.

 

My exH has done a ton of work on himself, and he is very different. So, what lessons have people learned about themselves? I am looking for insight as I contemplate reconciliation.

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minimariah
But for the BS--especially those many years out from discovery--what are the things you have learned, things you can control and have changed about yourself--maybe about you personally or maybe about what you accept from others?

 

not sure if my experience is revelant - i chose not to reconcile and we've been divorced for quite some time now.

 

i learned this: i can't control much. i can control my own actions and make each day count... but other than that, it's all just a matter of luck. it made me loosen up a bit; at first, i was very jaded and thought i'd never dare to fall in love again. but then i realized that there really isn't a point in holding back. we have this one life & i'll dive all the way in. so... i think it made me stronger, more daring, appreciative of small moments. i try to be selfaware & critical and grow as a person and i also learned how important communication si - my entire marriage's strongest point was sex and it was our way of bonding but we lacked in communication. i didn't realize that until i had it in my next relationship.

 

other than that... to be honest... i didn't really have any great revelations. i didn't discover my newself or my new life or anything like that. life just went on and it was one failed marriage and ended chapter in my life behind me. that's really it.

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thecharade

I agree about the control thing as that was a lesson for me. I tend to get frustrated and unhappy when I can't control whereas now I try to appreciate things more, even when things are not exactly as I wanted. There is still a lot to appreciate and enjoy.

 

My exH has had to learn that he doesn't need me. I was wondering if this is an important lesson for many BSs? It feels like our separation has caused a rebalancing where he realizes he is fine without me and I realize I am fine without him, but maybe we can be better together? I was wondering if other marriages had similar realizations?

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Your life is what YOU make it.

 

Know yourself. If your character is the type that can't live with infidelity long term walk away. Why stay in something you'll never be able to accept?

 

A lot stay because the unknown is scary and the known even if it's crap isn't.

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Cloudcuckoo

I definately learned that I am not responsible for my husband's behaviour. He's a grown man with a mind of his own, and I have no control over his choices.

 

I do have a choice in how I react to how he chooses to behave.

 

I can advise him, but it is his choice whether to take that advice or not.

 

I do find that I am less tolerant of any whiff of horse manure, and am quick to stamp out anything that has a hint of previous disrespect.

 

I have learned not to tolerate disrespectful behaviour however it is manifested.

 

story short, my husband used to feed me bulls**t, and I'm embarrassed as an articulate and intelligent woman to have swallowed it, but I don't anymore! I can smell poop from quite a distance now.

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Midwestmissy

I've learned that even though I am a strong independent woman, I've allowed people close to me to cross boundaries my whole life. I've accepted blame for situations instead of standing up for myself. I'm the 'stronger' person, so I'll accept the responsibility so the other (weaker or more emotional person, starting with my mother) doesn't flip out or make a scene or turn it all around on me. I need to never stop questioning or ignoring my instincts. I was taught that my instincts were off base. Instincts are never off base. If someone reacts to your pain or emotion with rage, derision or insults, you're dealing with a manipulator. My wh only behaved this way during the affair, but I see my FOO reactions encapsulized by the whole thing.

 

I viewed boundaries that I needed as perhaps hurtful to the people who were barging through them. Now my boundaries are in place and I won't waver.

 

We were at a party with a lot of close friends recently and my wh and I noticed that one particular woman friend constantly touched my wh, stroked his back, hugged him, flattering me to him - what a great sexy wife he chose, etc. Right on the line of being totally inappropriate. She did this in front of me and her spouse. She always had, but it has a different light on it now, post-affair. It doesn't make me jealous or worried, I find her sadly pathetic. She's a ridiculously accomplished woman with ridiculous insecurities she covers up by being extremely provocative. But more interestingly, I find that she only does it to my wh (she's unaware of the affair) because the other men have very clear boundaries that are so firm she avoids any contact with them. I pointed out to my husband that manipulative people can find the boundary-less person instantly in the room and provoke. He sees it clearly now after all the hell we've been through and physically pushes her back now because he doesn't see it as flattering or affectionate, but a manipulation and control issue. A lot of people think she's unfaithful, just a hunch. Like me, wh was taught by his (grossly creepy affectionate) mother to let women push those buttons and not he's not to react. If you push back, the reaction is usually incredulous or "I'm insulted that you misread my actions!" Which puts the blame back on You. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

None of this factored prominently or directly in his affair - he accepts all the blame for every stupid decision he made - but we both see how boundaries were crossed and how often those situations come into play. He viewed the insincere compliments and affection as genuine instead of making his boundaries clear - to not accept the flattery would insult the ap, and he was really liking the attention regardless of how fake it was. His ap was extremely similar to his mother - over flattering, hanging on every word, very over the top and out of bounds. Holding firm is not rude, it's mature and respectful to yourself and your loved ones. This is the most interesting thing that's come out of all this, I'm pretty sure my wh would agree. It's made social settings more interesting to observe, for sure.

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waterwoman

1. Don't assume anyone can be trusted 100%

2. Don't expect other people to make you happy and fulfil you - that's your own job.

3. Don't accept the blame for other people's unhappiness - see point 2.

4. I wasn't born to be a martyr and I am not superwoman therefore sometimes things aren't perfect That is not a crime. It is OK to let stuff go (another control freak here!)

5. I am a clever, loyal, loving, funny, attractive woman - there was nothing lacking in ME to 'make' him cheat.

5. I deserve better than a cheat for a life-partner so, much as I love H, if I get so much as a sniff of anything else, we are done. And that is not frightening, it is liberating.

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I learned that I need to live my life in a very intentional way. I had to clarify what was really important to me - and that included what commitment, honesty, and values meant to me. And then I needed to LIVE those values in a very intentional way -- purposefully. Because the going WILL get tough at some point. What will you do when it does? How will you act?

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Sorry, I responded with humor and you're looking for real answers to what the BH learns.

 

 

I think you should ask yourself if your xH didn't learn anything, what would that mean?

 

 

For me, I learned a lot:

I learned the divorce process even though it never happened

I learned the signs of cheating

I learned the legal aspects of a postnup

I learned enough psychological crap to get my armchair counseling certificate.

I learned how to grieve.

I learned how to cope with pain in the right and the wrong ways.

I learned exactly how painful the betrayal truly is.

I learned that most folks are full of crap and will lie to themselves to get what they want regardless of who it hurts.

I learned that my love doesn't have any actual impact in the real world.

I learned how to stop being a warm, positive, trusting person and how to be a cold, calculating one--when I need to be.

I learned that I applied humor out of fear people wouldn't like me before dday, and afterwards I no longer cared if anyone liked me.

I learned the strategy needed to get my ww to stop cheating.

I learned that if she cheats again, I will declare war on her like she's never seen--anyone that can see me in that much pain and do it again anyway is my enemy.

 

 

So... not sure if any of those lessons will help you, but you asked so I answered.

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My xW was a serial cheater. She was the third woman to have put me through this kind of hell. I learned allot about myself. I learned that there are things I can change about me to help my future relationship. I also learned that I wont tolerate even shady behavior. I agree with Marc. Life is just to short to deal with someone that not only cares so little about you but themselves as well.

 

C

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puzzleddad67

Life returns to normal. Im surprised. The thought of dating was horrible last fall. Now. I kind of miss having a woman have my back.

 

Not dating anyone, but its no longer out of the question.

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ChickiePops

I learned to stop blaming myself for being cheated on or treated badly. My ex was a jerk and the OW was a jealous, manipulative pig who was in love with my ex for years before I even met him.

 

He still tries, 5 years later, to get me to go out with him. He knows I have a boyfriend so obviously HE didn't learn a thing. My restraining order against the OW has expired but I haven't seen or heard from her and I don't expect to..I think she moved away.

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I learned that hypergamy is widespread, and instead of expecting to change people who are subject to it, i should simply avoid them.

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Mrs. John Adams

I have learned that remorse is more than saying I am sorry.

I have learned that reconciliation is a process that takes every single day the rest of your life..

I have learned how to love unselfishly.

I have learned how to treasure the things I almost lost.

I have learned to never take forgiveness for granted.

I have learned that I am a very lucky woman in so many ways.

I have learned that life is short....I see much of my life is behind me instead of in front of me...and I intend to live it to the fullest.

 

I could go on and on about the things I have learned since my infidelity 33 years ago....some are really good...and some are terribly ugly.

I am still amazed that I could be a cheater...that I could be that cruel to the man i love...that I could risk everything....for nothing.

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I have learned to take a sucky situtaion and find the good in it

 

I hae learned that everyone has a breaking point

 

I have learned that people mistake an ability for putting one footing front of the other and keeping going for strength

 

I have learned that it is not a sign of weakness to admit one needs help

 

I have learned that the world can be a cold a cruel place, and that there are people who are like human wrecking balls who will not be happy unless they are hurting someone else- conversely, I have learned that the world can also be a kind, arm and wonderful place, with many great, kind and caring people in it

 

I have learned that there are people who view the pain their actions cause in others as collateral damage, and that they don;'t really care, because it was part of their "learning process"

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flowergirl14

I learned that no amount of tears, promises, mc, ic will make someone change for the better. I learned that there are usually red flags for many years before a dday but I chose to ignore them. I learned cheaters lie, lie, lie. They can kiss you goodbye, tell you they lovr you and run off to the ow. I learned dont rug sweep. Trust your instincts. Anyways, I still have a lot of learning yet to do. Lots more decisions to be made. Lots more lessons to come ..sigh!

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WasOtherWoman

I learned that having a marriage that was essentially two people doing their own thing is a very bad idea. (I thought we were terribly "modern" and took pride in the fact that weren't suffocating each other.. ugh, that was very stupid). Too much freedom only leads to trouble (for one or both).

 

Once he cheated, I then learned that I really didn't have to accept behavior that I didn't like and that I certainly did not need a man to be happy.

 

After I left him I learned that I didn't die, you can really only trust yourself 100% and i would never again not at least consider the possibility that infidelity could play a part in future relationships. I also learned that I never should have discounted infidelity playing a part in my prior one.

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ladydesigner
I get that WSs (like me) have a lot to fix and own. I have been in IC for many years, so I fully get that. But for the BS--especially those many years out from discovery--what are the things you have learned, things you can control and have changed about yourself--maybe about you personally or maybe about what you accept from others?

 

My brother married a woman who cheated on him as a girlfriend. We begged him not to, but he thought we were being nasty. Recently he and I had a chat and I asked him what he learned about himself from the whole ordeal. He said, "Me??? I didn't cheat! There is nothing to learn about myself other than don't marry losers!" I was shocked because there were always issues that he chose to overlook--for example, he loves a damsel in distress. He loves women who need him, but they are. . . needy. Ugh. They did MC, but when the divorce went forward, he dropped counseling. He is now dating another damsel in distress and the writing is on the wall.

 

My exH has done a ton of work on himself, and he is very different. So, what lessons have people learned about themselves? I am looking for insight as I contemplate reconciliation.

 

The biggest lessons I learned are:

 

- I have no control over what a person does

 

- I am only responsible for my reactions

 

- I have learned to control my anger in difficult situations and abuse

 

- I have learned to detach for my safety

 

- I learned to shield my kids from this as much as possible

 

- To focus on myself and find happiness in myself

 

- To have a great support system (mainly my girlfriends)

 

- To not let another person's view taint my own

 

- To not look for happiness in other people

 

- That being married isn't everything

 

I could go on and on... what a great motivational thread! :)

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1: I wasn't responsible for their actions. I was responsible for how I absorbed the sorrow.

2: That love neither betrays or destroys. it builds a solid fortress.

3:That sorry is a verb.

4: That self worth is sometimes seeking guidance thru counseling.

5: Being bent not broken helped look at life in a different way.

6: That it was never the worse day, that would happen in doses when confronting the facts and feelings.

7: Learned to trust differently, not blindly.

8: it's okay to start a different dream in life.

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TrustedthenBusted

I learned all kinds of things.

 

I learned that rock bottom is actually made of rock.

I learned that ANY device can be hacked, and any history can be drudged up from the soft pink bowels of the interwebnets.

I learned that people don't cheat to make YOU a doormat. Sometimes they cheat because they feel THEY are a doormat.

I learned to say what I feel, right when I feel it, and not 4 years later at the top of my lungs along with every other things that's been bothering me in a screaming tirade in the kitchen.

I learned that damn near everyone will go through what I went through at some point, whether they find out about it or not.

I learned that you can only get your heart REALLY broken once. After that, it's kinda like...meh...whatevs.

I learned that trust wasn't a gift I gave her. It was a false shield I gave myself.

I learned the worst experience of my life can uncover strengths I never knew I had.

I learned that now...it was almost worth it because if provides a clarity that any long term couple needs to have.

 

And perhaps most important, I learned that it's not the end of the world. Not even close.

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thecharade

Omg, your replies made me cry. So powerful! I have found the learning to be an empowering upside to what would otherwise have been a dark embarrassment.

 

So many of you gave me things to think about--you all sound amazingly powerful and strong. Thank you for your thoughts and ideas.

 

Me?

 

I have learned that love looks very different in middle-age compared to youth.

I have learned that for better or for worse was much tougher than I imagined.

I learned that distraction feels like a solution to an immature and broken mind, but it's not.

I learned that going through the pain (and feeling it) truly is best.

I learned that I only get one life and I better own it and fix it.

I learned that forgiveness for one's self is the toughest forgiveness of all.

I learned that no amount of grief will break me--I am tougher.

I learned that part of loving yourself is loving the mistakes and that they were necessary. And letting go.

I learned that I can accept me, no matter what. And I am enough.

 

Thank you!!!

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I learned forgiveness isn't a feeling.......you're not going to "feel" it; it's a decision that you stick to no matter what you feel. Only then can YOU be free.

 

 

I also learned that forgiving doesn't necessarily mean continuing the marriage.

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