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Cheating for 2 years and now she's pregnant


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I've been married to my wife for 6 years, together for 13 years total. We were "high school sweethearts" and for a long time it was great. Then I got bored and regretted not spending my youth dating more.

 

I have been seeing another woman on and off for 2 years. We work together and she knows I'm married. When we're "off" we're still on sexually. I go through phases were I feel so bad and cannot keep seeing her (on a romantic level) but still end up sleeping with her. She's so damn sexy.

 

A few months ago I found out that she is pregnant. She said that she wasn't seeing anyone else but I waited until the amnio DNA test came back to really think about what I'm going to do. The baby is mine and she is keeping it.

 

It's a stupid, sick, twisted situation. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. My wife has gone through medications, shots, procedures, IVF and still nothing. She hates when friends and family share the news that they are pregnant and she hates even seeing me hold someone else's baby. She internalizes those feelings, but shared them with me.

 

So even if she forgives the cheating, she'll never get over me having a child with someone else and her not being able to. My wife has no friends (we moved to my hometown and she doesn't know anyone here) and no family (foster system kid). So there won't be anyone there to support her.

 

On the other hand, we could still end up with a child. Of course we'd be sharing it but it would still be mine and she'd be part of it as well.

 

Then on the other side of things, I have a baby on the way. With a woman who I love, but I also love my wife. She wants me to leave my wife and be with her. She says that we're more of a family than my wife and I will ever be and she can give me more.

 

What do I do? Tell my wife everything or just leave and let her figure it out? Stay with my wife and keep hiding it? I don't think my other woman would go for that. Stay with my wife and abandon the child (except financially, obviously)? I don't like that last one, I want kids always have.

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coolheadal

You sound like you want both women? Choose who you want to be with? Choose wisely. So you got to ask yourself who makes you more happier? Who do you love the most? Who cares for you and treats you better. Which one doesn't argue with you. Who do you have the kid with the wife or the other woman. Sounds like it's the other woman. Not all woman can produce a child. So you have that with the second woman. If you wanted a child so badly you had gone with the second woman to have it with. So the choice is yours? Pick which life you want.

 

Woman #1 - Wife no kids with her

Woman #2 - Girlfriend expecting your kid inside her.

 

Well looks like you have #2 is what you want. But you can't have the wife also unless you live in a country that allows that sort of behavior.

Edited by coolheadal
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On the other hand, we could still end up with a child. Of course we'd be sharing it but it would still be mine and she'd be part of it as well.

 

You've glossed over a few things as you're picturing you and your wife pushing your toddler on the swings at the park.

 

Like how you'd ever make up for the monumental and sadly ironic fraud and deception you've subjected your wife to. Or like how your selfishness has caused two women and one child-to-be a potential lifetime of heartbreak and pain.

 

This isn't all about you and your choices even though you may see it that way. And one certainly possible outcome has you on the outside of all three lives looking in.

 

I'd start with sitting everyone down and coming clean. Your ride about to get bumpy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Moxie Lady

the first thing you should do is get ready for WW3 and start ducking to avoid the flying shrapnel.

 

I will never understand why men get themselves into this situation and then seem surprised. Do you really not think about the implications of having sex with a woman who is not your wife? Especially when you are undergoing fertility treatments with your wife? Do men honestly think with their little head so completely that they cannot imagine that such scenarios can become reality?

 

Like Mr Lucky said you may think you are in the drivers seat but you are not. Your OW is not going to happily let you go away and "ignore" your child so that your wife doesnt get hurt. Way too late for that. And your wife is going to be devastated - DEVASTATED! At what you did. Do you have no idea what infertility does to a woman? There are no words for how she will feel. And you think she will just accept this child into your lives knowing it belongs to the woman you were having sex with while she was dealing with infertility?

 

If she does shes a better woman than I am, and it will take a great deal of time and even more pain.

 

You have hurt the one woman whose back you were supposed to have, in the worst way imaginable. And no matter what she ultimately decides she will never recover from it. Never.

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bathtub-row

What a really awful situation for your wife. This is exactly why I'm opposed to childhood sweetheart relationships. They so rarely work out. Then piling this fertility stuff onto things almost always kills a relationship because all the woman tends to do is think about getting pregnant.

 

I agree with the other poster that what you have done to your wife is absolutely horrible. This is a blow that is likely to cause her serious despair. Personally, I'd never forgive an affair where a child was conceived. That would just be a bridge too far.

 

I really wish you had thought of all the implications of what even an affair would do to your wife since she has no one other than you. While I agree that her lack of social life and family is a lot to put on you, it is a fact. Now someone she considers her best friend (you) has betrayed her in the worst way possible. I also take issue with the OW for allowing herself to get pregnant. It seems like a really underhanded way to get you to leave your wife.

 

You would be better off telling your wife about this but only if you intend to end the affair, and have ended it. If you intend to be with the OW, then just tell your wife that you're unhappy in your marriage and want a divorce. By the time OW has the baby, you might not even be with the OW anymore so it may be a dead issue. Or your wife may move back to her hometown and never find out about the child. I would let time work out that part of it.

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TaraMaiden2

I'm going to edit your post for you to see whether it opens your eyes to how totally idiotic this whole thing really is....(I added all bolded bits).

 

I've been married to my wife for 6 years, together for 13 years total. We were "high school sweethearts" and for a long time it was great. Then I got bored and regretted not spending my youth dating more. So instead of talking things over with my wife, seeing whether there was anything we could do, together, to make our lives less boring, together, and knocking these regrets on the head, together, I decided it would be easier and more fun to cheat on her, betray her and make a complete mockery of all those years we spent together, from being 'Childhood Sweethearts.'

 

I have been seeing another woman on and off for 2 years. We work together and she knows I'm married. When we're "off" we're still on sexually. Which means basically, that we're never off. There is actually, no 'on' either, because I'm married, so I can't commit. Last I looked, bigamy was illegal, so really, I'm acting the part, but all the while, just cheating and betraying my wife. But it feels so good, and it's so easy, so no problem!

 

I go through phases were I feel so bad and cannot keep seeing her (on a romantic level) but still end up sleeping with her. She's so damn sexy. I used to view my wife this way, but things have become repetitive and this is a way of ignoring and turning away from the issues in my marriage. It';s an escape, a distraction, and a comfortable and welcome one. My wife of course, has no such thing in her life. She just suffers the ordeal of being childless, and the hopes and subsequent disappointment of being childless. But that's ok, I'm good...

 

A few months ago I found out that she is pregnant. She said that she wasn't seeing anyone else but I waited until the amnio DNA test came back to really think about what I'm going to do. The baby is mine and she is keeping it. Yay! I'm gonna be a dad, and it was basically effortless! Stupid, bone-headed, indiscreet, reckless - but effortless!

 

It's a stupid, sick, twisted situation. I really should repeat that to myself as my daily mantra.

 

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. My wife has gone through medications, shots, procedures, IVF and still nothing. She hates when friends and family share the news that they are pregnant and she hates even seeing me hold someone else's baby. She internalizes those feelings, but shared them with me. So imagine how thrilled she's going to be to discover I'm a dad to a baby with a woman I've been screwing for a good while now!

 

So even if she forgives the cheating, she'll never get over me having a child with someone else and her not being able to. Boy, that's going to smart. Bummer!

 

My wife has no friends (we moved to my hometown and she doesn't know anyone here) and no family (foster system kid). So there won't be anyone there to support her. But at least I still have my on/off fling. And now, I have the kid to validate it.

 

On the other hand, we could still end up with a child. Of course we'd be sharing it but it would still be mine and she'd be part of it as well. Or maybe I should just slap myself, hard, for an hour or two, and see just how f**ed up that comment is. I mean, all of the above; my wife' lack of friends, support and family, and desperation to have our own child... and here's me imagining a cosy get together with MY baby, form ANOTHER woman, whom I have been seeing for 2 YEARS, and I expect her to cozy up and love it? *Slap*, *slap*, *slap*.....

 

Then on the other side of things, I have a baby on the way. With a woman who I love, but I also love my wife. She wants me to leave my wife and be with her. She says that we're more of a family than my wife and I will ever be and she can give me more. Of course, that's totally selfish, cruel and thoroughly blinkered of her.But having done the same myself, bar the name on the papers, who am I to judge??

 

What do I do? Tell my wife everything or just leave and let her figure it out? Which may take her a year or two, and will come as a complete shock, total mind-f**k and horrifying revelation, when I, maybe, turn up on the doorstep one evening with a cute little toddler and say "Meet *baby* it's mine!

Stay with my wife and keep hiding it? Which of course, will be a piece of cake, After all, my wife trust me implicitly, and as she is focused on having a baby, has not even noticed how erratic my behaviour is

 

I don't think my other woman would go for that. (So the s**t is REALLY going to hit the fan, and it's going to be one hell of a clusterf**k)Stay with my wife and abandon the child (except financially, obviously)?Of course, my wife will never notice the $400/month going towards that... I don't like that last one, I want kids always have. So you all can see, this is all about me, and what I want. It always has been. My wife is secondary to all of this. You'd never guess I was married, would you?

 

Now.

 

Care to think about just how you are going to address your wife's hysteria and possible suicidal attitude?

because what you have done here, is made an entire mockery of everything she values, holds highly and desires, more than anything else in the world.

To be a mother, to your child.

You have systematically destroyed every hope of hers, in one stupid, foolish action.

You have laid down everything she believed in, and trodden it into the ground.

 

Jeesh.

 

I am really holding back here.

You have nooooo idea.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
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angel.eyes
I also take issue with the OW for allowing herself to get pregnant. It seems like a really underhanded way to get you to leave your wife.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Sorry, but she didn't steal his sperm in the middle of the night and impregnate herself! Nor did she rape him. So, let's put the blame for the OP's fiasco squarely where it belongs--on the OP.

 

He is the one who got bored and went seeking new sexual conquests. He's the one who CHOSE to have an affair, all whilst his wife was struggling with infertility!

 

He is the one who looked his wife in the eye each time he cheated and point blank lied to her before heading off to boink his girlfriend. Most people would call that underhanded, among many other things.

 

We also have a new-fangled contraption...I think it's called a condom...that the OP opted not to use. Again, a choice HE made!

 

Sorry, but he brought this on himself. If he weren't out banging someone who wasn't his wife, he couldn't be saddled with a baby his wife couldn't have! His actions brought about the current mess. No underhanded woman could have foisted the situation on him otherwise.

Edited by angel.eyes
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:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Sorry, but she didn't steal his sperm in the middle of the night and impregnate herself! Nor did she rape him. So, let's put the blame for the OP's fiasco squarely where it belongs--on the OP.

 

He is the one who got bored and went seeking new sexual conquests. He's the one who CHOSE to have an affair, all whilst his wife was struggling with infertility!

 

He is the one who looked his wife in the eye each time he cheated and point blank lied to her before heading off to boink his girlfriend. Most people would call that underhanded, among many other things.

 

We also have a new-fangled contraption...I think it's called a condom...that the OP opted not to use. Again, a choice HE made!

 

Sorry, but he brought this on himself. If he weren't out banging someone who wasn't his wife, he couldn't be saddled with a baby his wife couldn't have! His actions brought about the current mess. No underhanded woman could have foisted the situation on him otherwise.

 

The above is all true. It is also true that the OW is responsible for her choices and that nobody forced her into this situation. She chose to have risky sex with a married man and cannot claim to be a victim. It does seem that she is using her pregnancy as a way to pressure the OP to leave his wife which makes one wonder if it was in fact premeditated. Between the OP and the OW I don't think either of them are standing on high moral ground and the ones who will pay the price for their selfishness are the BW and the baby.

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angel.eyes

The OW hasn't called herself a victim in any of this. Please point out where you are getting that. All she has said is that with the baby, they will be more of a family than he has with his wife.

 

Again, if the OP hadn't gone searching outside his marriage for sexual partners, comments like that would not be possible. No one forced him to cheat for TWO YEARS and get another woman pregnant.

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TaraMaiden2

My view: And as I see it, this is you ONLY course of action.

 

  1. Come clean with your wife.
  2. Terminate the affair.
  3. Find a different job.
  4. support the child and pay maintenance.
  5. Do whatever it takes to comply with what your wife decides.

 

You will also, of course, have to deal with every nuance of emotion all of the above, engenders. From both sides.

as you should.

 

It's about time you showed some feeling of remorse, regret and conscience.

 

For up to now, I haven't seen anything even remotely resembling any feeling of guilt.

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ChickiePops
The OW hasn't called herself a victim in any of this. Please point out where you are getting that. All she has said is that with the baby, they will be more of a family than he has with his wife.

 

Again, if the OP hadn't gone searching outside his marriage for sexual partners, comments like that would not be possible. No one forced him to cheat for TWO YEARS and get another woman pregnant.

 

And no one forced the OW to willingly sleep with a married man and plan to trap him into leaving his wife, which, considering her attitude about her,

I can only assume is what happened. They are equally responsible for this awful mess.

 

OP, you need to tell your wife. Immediately. She deserves better than you.

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The OW hasn't called herself a victim in any of this. Please point out where you are getting that. All she has said is that with the baby, they will be more of a family than he has with his wife.

 

Again, if the OP hadn't gone searching outside his marriage for sexual partners, comments like that would not be possible. No one forced him to cheat for TWO YEARS and get another woman pregnant.

 

And nobody said the MM was forced to cheat and impregnate another woman. Where are you getting that? The post you referred to simply said the poster had an issue with the OW letting herself get pregnant. If someone told me I should practice safe sex how on earth could I take that to mean that I'm forcing someone to have unsafe sex with me?

 

To the OP, you have destroyed your wife. You are not going to be able to hide this child from her forever. I can't imagine the depth of the pain she will be in when she finds out and to make it worse she doesn't even have anyone to turn to for support. I feel very sad for her. Does she really have no family? No relatives at all? I feel like you should round up whoever she was close to ask them to be there for her when you crush her.

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Lois_Griffin
I also take issue with the OW for allowing herself to get pregnant. It seems like a really underhanded way to get you to leave your wife.

Yeah. It sure wasn't due to the OP's incredible sense of self entitlement and pure selfishness because he couldn't even inconvenience himself to wear a condom. After all, it's ALWAYS been about him and his pleasure. Everyone else doesn't matter.

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On the other hand, we could still end up with a child. Of course we'd be sharing it but it would still be mine and she'd be part of it as well.

 

 

I had a baby with a MM 5 years ago and I can't tell you how much this comment rubbed me the wrong way.

 

First of all, your wife is not going to be suddenly all satisfied and happy because she gets a child out of this scenario. This is not some easy and quick fix to her issues with infertility. She is still going to want her own child that she can mother and that sense of loss is not something that she will be able to just fill with someone else's child.

 

Second of all, I highly doubt that your OW will want her child in this role, fulfilling what is missing in your guys' marriage. She will be the mother and you will be the father - your wife can only be a stepmom, a person with no legal rights or custody rights to he child.

 

As previous posters mentioned, this really isn't a situation that you can decide on how it will end. First of all, you need to come clean to your wife. It's not going to be pretty and it's not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. Any other advice can be given only after this crucial event is done.

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You may not have as many options as you think you have.

 

Go with the OW and set your wife free. She deserves that, at the very least.

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I feel truly sorry for the wife whether the OP comes clean or not.

 

This isn't what she got married for, and it isn't what he promised.

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Another thing I want to add, no matter what the outcome of your marriage and your relationship with the OW is, I hope you are not serious about the possibility of abandoning your child.

 

He or she is going to be a person in this world in a few months. They'll be growing up, changing and learning. Not having one of the parents present can cause major issues during their childhood years, adolescence and adulthood. It's going to be a huge factor in their lives and have a major impact on them.

 

I hope you understand what this decision to abandon them would mean for this child who did not ask to be created and brought into this world. It was you and OW who did it and you both owe the child to face your responsibilities.

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Go with the OW and set your wife free. She deserves that, at the very least.

 

Maybe but will the wife see it as "freedom".

Childhood sweethearts, huge emotional investment, soulmates, virgins, confidantes, then huge problem with infertility, inadequacy, poor self image, but increased dependency, fighting the world together...

NOW betrayal on a huge scale, the one thing she cannot give him this interloper has accomplished so easily... and they are now so happy together with their new baby...

Depending on her personality and the help she gets, (though I note no family support and isolation), this could be the stuff of major depression, self medication with drug/alcohol abuse, even suicide.

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Maybe but will the wife see it as "freedom".

Childhood sweethearts, huge emotional investment, soulmates, virgins, confidantes, then huge problem with infertility, inadequacy, poor self image, but increased dependency, fighting the world together...

NOW betrayal on a huge scale, the one thing she cannot give him this interloper has accomplished so easily... and they are now so happy together with their new baby...

Depending on her personality and the help she gets, (though I note no family support and isolation), this could be the stuff of major depression, self medication with drug/alcohol abuse, even suicide.

 

Absolutely right.

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:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Sorry, but she didn't steal his sperm in the middle of the night and impregnate herself! Nor did she rape him. So, let's put the blame for the OP's fiasco squarely where it belongs--on the OP.

 

He is the one who got bored and went seeking new sexual conquests. He's the one who CHOSE to have an affair, all whilst his wife was struggling with infertility!

 

He is the one who looked his wife in the eye each time he cheated and point blank lied to her before heading off to boink his girlfriend. Most people would call that underhanded, among many other things.

 

We also have a new-fangled contraption...I think it's called a condom...that the OP opted not to use. Again, a choice HE made!

 

Sorry, but he brought this on himself. If he weren't out banging someone who wasn't his wife, he couldn't be saddled with a baby his wife couldn't have! His actions brought about the current mess. No underhanded woman could have foisted the situation on him otherwise.

 

 

While nothing excuses the op's behavior, the ow may well be playing the baby card in order to get him to leave his wife for her.

 

The ow also has access to condoms. She also has access to bc pills, IUD's, the "morning after pill", a therapeutic abortion, and more. In the area of reproduction, she is in the driver's seat, and it sounds like she chose to use a child to get what she felt entitled to. I have zero pity for someone in that situtaion.

 

This is just one reason among many that I would recommend to the op that, if he loves his wife at all, he walk away from his marriage right ow and not drag his wife through the drama the situation will involve. Let him pick up the pieces of his life for himself.

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Another thing I want to add, no matter what the outcome of your marriage and your relationship with the OW is, I hope you are not serious about the possibility of abandoning your child.

 

He or she is going to be a person in this world in a few months. They'll be growing up, changing and learning. Not having one of the parents present can cause major issues during their childhood years, adolescence and adulthood. It's going to be a huge factor in their lives and have a major impact on them.

 

I hope you understand what this decision to abandon them would mean for this child who did not ask to be created and brought into this world. It was you and OW who did it and you both owe the child to face your responsibilities.

 

I agree, to a point. Most times, it's beneficial for both parents to be around.

 

Sometimes, it's better for a child to not have the negative influence or a mother or father in their life who doesn't really want to be there. While the parents don't have to be a couple to parent, they do have to be able to put the child first, and some simply are not in a position to do that.

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While nothing excuses the op's behavior, the ow may well be playing the baby card in order to get him to leave his wife for her.

 

The ow also has access to condoms. She also has access to bc pills, IUD's, the "morning after pill", a therapeutic abortion, and more. In the area of reproduction, she is in the driver's seat, and it sounds like she chose to use a child to get what she felt entitled to. I have zero pity for someone in that situtaion.

 

This is just one reason among many that I would recommend to the op that, if he loves his wife at all, he walk away from his marriage right ow and not drag his wife through the drama the situation will involve. Let him pick up the pieces of his life for himself.

 

edited to add....

 

sometimes, accidents can and do happen, but after two years and with someone who is a mature adult, it's kind of hard to see this as just some slip up on her part.

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I find it ironic that you even asked a bunch of strangers "if you should abandon the baby"...IMO, that speaks volumes to how selfish your thinking is.

 

It's obviously a intense situation & blame on you or other woman isn't going to solve anything (meaning between you & OW, not wife)...you are where you are, all could of, should of, shouldn't of is gone!

 

You just come clean. That's your only real option as a man. You are pretending you have all these options. All you can do is tell the truth & do the best you can with whatever comes next. You can't hide a child & the child (your child) doesn't deserve it....they weren't asked to be created.

 

Your wife is going to be devastated & that's your cross to bare. Her hurt is your consequence. I don't know if she'll stay with you (I wouldn't) but remember even if she does, will you really be able to give her your all with a new baby? When married people have a baby it's difficult to give it your all at that moment & that's with the child under the same roof...how are you going to have time to repair a relationship & deal with a baby's mama & be a new dad?

 

I'm not you (but if I was) I'd take her home to tell her. She needs support & the damage is done. Her family & friends are going to hate you, there's no way around it, at least let her be close to those that love her.

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ShatteredLady

Foster system kid who's never had a family. She's probably seen & felt things few of us can imagine already in life but at least she's married her high school sweetheart. That's a kind of family isn't it? She moved away from everything she's ever known to support him.

 

It breaks my heart that we live in this bloody world sometimes.

 

OP you know you've completely destroyed lives here. Please don't add your child to this list of disposable beings. Human beings have value & feelings. It's not too late to learn to be a man of thought & principle. Talk to your family, therapist, someone. A storm is coming & I don't think you have any idea how tragic it's going to be.

 

I'm so sorry you didn't get to shag around more in the past. Was it worth it?

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Has anyone here gone through 5 years of fertility treatments? Forked over nearly $53,000 out of pocket on it? While going through that had wife that had no friends here to talk to and absolutely no family? She has no support, besides me and the fertility counsellor, at all. She was put into foster care, never adopted and sent from home to home.

 

I never said I didn't f up. But it's not like I left the perfect marriage for it. All we have been doing for the last 5 years is tests, procedures, shots, temperatures, strict diets, strict exercise, sex like it's a chore. My wife just had her last IVF and we're done trying now.

 

I'm not going to abandon my daughter. My wife was abandoned and I see what that did to her.

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