Making Friends and Finding Forgiveness After Infidelity

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

I'm a recovering betrayed spouse and have spent lots of time on the Infidelity forum, reading and learning. I've decided to start this question out here, knowing it might get moved, but I think the overriding factors influencing my choices and needs right now are from the infidelity fallout overlapped with life circumstances.

 

We're reconciling and all that, but I need friends. We're older, traveled and moved a LOT over the years and admittedly didn't work at keeping old friends. Part of that is that we just changed a LOT from the conservative, small-town lifestyle of our childhoods and even college years AND that we don't drink.

 

We live in the same city as our children and grandchildren, but we've only been here a couple of years. The infidelity involved a family member, so we're somewhat isolated from extended relatives. I'm taking a class and slowly making friends there - but very superficial. I long for friendships or at least relationships with people, probably women, that are fun, not superficial, interesting, warm/affectionate.

 

My husband works at home and is taking a class independently as well. I can tell he's already made a connection with the female teacher even though she's even older than he is. He just does. He always does whether he thinks he's trying or even trying not to. They come on to him and he has, of course, never dealt with the personality/character issues that allowed the affairs to happen in the first place. Whatever. I'm so f-king bored and disgusted with that subject I could scream and don't really care to help him figure out when he crosses a line again. If he does, I go. Period. And that's about as far as I want to deal with that at the moment. Don't worry. Nothing has happened between them and I am SO very savvy for the signs at this point, though I'd like to think - for his sake - he'd be able to talk about it as well. There is a question, however, when and how he'd be able to acknowledge the need if it developed - or if it already has.

 

But either way, I am just SO tired of spending MY life on his stupidity and mental aberrations. wtf. If he can't figure it out now - after the nuclear fallout of what he's already done? - well, I kind of don't have it in me to help him. He can just f-k it up one last time and I say to everyone with a smile - well, that's that. And, yes, he knows that.

 

No, I'm interested in me. I don't want an affair. I want friends. My own women friends or couple friends, probably both. Good friends - like when I was young. Through college years I had good friends that were fun, loyal, caring and wonderful to talk to. Even as a young wife and mother I had friends, but we'd already begun moving a lot. Now, I also know that my husband got involved with a couple of women that I thought were my friends but actually were his. Like I said, I don't want to dissect that past in this thread - it's been done, believe me, and is what it is. I just want to take care of me now. I'm saying, I know I had a raw deal in adulthood and should've had more friends. In part, I wasn't great at keeping up but another part was his ridiculous, charming attractiveness that I should've realized meant they weren't the friends I needed anyway.

 

So I want my own life now and am having a hard time figuring out how the hell to start at this stage in life. I know the obvious advice is join stuff. So I signed up for a dozen MeetUp groups and get emails. I'm taking a class. What else? I feel like I'm 16 writing to an advice column. Anyway, any other suggestions?

 

Maybe this should go somewhere else? Because I'm really sick of thinking about my husband's problems. I just want a better life myself.

Edited May 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden2]

You will never move on, unless you move on from him.

 

You will spend your entire life in limbo, straddling 2 worlds; the one where you are a married woman with children, and the other where you seek independence, freshness, renewed vitality and liberation.

 

While you choose to live like this, this is how you will live.

 

No turned stone ever turned itself.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

You will never move on, unless you move on from him.

 

You will spend your entire life in limbo, straddling 2 worlds; the one where you are a married woman with children, and the other where you seek independence, freshness, renewed vitality and liberation.

 

While you choose to live like this, this is how you will live.

 

No turned stone ever turned itself.

Not sure I get the bolded but assume you meant the first part in the negative (choose NOT to live like this?). Yeah, I can see your point even just skimming my opening post. It's here in the present but still there, too.

 

However, I don't agree that being a "married woman with children" (which I'm not - I'm a married woman with grandchildren - a big difference!) precludes being independent and liberated. Especially at my age and mental orientation AND relationship dynamic. We've reversed roles actually. I AM independent of him emotionally and he knows it. He's kind of in awe of me actually. I don't want to sound egotistical because it's so f-king lonely to be in this position. Intellectually and sexually, he and I are compatible, but I want my emotional and spiritual equal.

[TaraMaiden2]

You choose to continue this existence, so this existence will continue.

 

You will never meet your emotional, spiritual, intellectual or physical equal, while you are with him.

 

As I said, you can't have your cake and eat it.

 

Either accept that your Present is your Future - or change it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Not sure I get the bolded but assume you meant the first part in the negative (choose NOT to live like this?). Yeah, I can see your point even just skimming my opening post. It's here in the present but still there, too.

 

However, I don't agree that being a "married woman with children" (which I'm not - I'm a married woman with grandchildren - a big difference!) precludes being independent and liberated. Especially at my age and mental orientation AND relationship dynamic. We've reversed roles actually. I AM independent of him emotionally and he knows it. He's kind of in awe of me actually. I don't want to sound egotistical because it's so f-king lonely to be in this position. Intellectually and sexually, he and I are compatible, but I want my emotional and spiritual equal.

 

Your posts don't speak of any happiness between the two of you. To me, you sound disgusted with him, not in love with him. Why do you stay with him?

 

I ask this because, though you've written about wanting to have new friendships as if that is the subject matter of your post, the bulk of your post is about him and your feelings about him and what he has done. I believe this subject will creep, or bomb, into your new friendships with women, as it has into your posts, so that you won't be able to form joyful friendships. Your posts don't sound happy or free and independent to me.

[TaraMaiden2]

...

We live in the same city as our children and grandchildren...

 

.....

However, I don't agree that being a "married woman with children" (which I'm not - I'm a married woman with grandchildren - a big difference!)

 

Confused....

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

We live in the same city as our children and grandchildren...

...

However, I don't agree that being a "married woman with children" (which I'm not - I'm a married woman with grandchildren - a big difference!)

Confused....

I meant that "married woman with children" implies DEPENDENT children, which in turn implies a dependence and need for a partner. When your children are no longer dependent on you, you're free to pursue your own interests - which I did for several years, even studied and taught abroad.

 

But I stayed married because I love the whole package. And I do feel tenderness and love toward my husband. I want him to continue working to become a better man. My tough talk is in part a protection. I don't want to be hurt again - and I won't. If anyone was working to overcome a character flaw that in itself makes that work excruciatingly hard, it would be my husband. I do want to see him succeed. So, yes, I love him and, yes, he's also my friend. The little antennae issues (like mentioning his teacher), well, they'll always be twitching because they obviously didn't work well in the past. Now, they're over-sensitive maybe - but I don't think there can be too much sensitivity in that regard.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

Your posts don't speak of any happiness between the two of you. To me, you sound disgusted with him, not in love with him. Why do you stay with him?

 

I ask this because, though you've written about wanting to have new friendships as if that is the subject matter of your post, the bulk of your post is about him and your feelings about him and what he has done. I believe this subject will creep, or bomb, into your new friendships with women, as it has into your posts, so that you won't be able to form joyful friendships. Your posts don't sound happy or free and independent to me.

You're right and I haven't forgiven I guess. And I actually have already two experiences like you describe - "creep, or bomb, into... friendships with women." One was with an old childhood friend who did not want to get involved with my infidelity fallout or the changes it's wrought with my family and the other was an old college roommate that went to a lot of trouble to find and try to reconnect with me. Both were essentially poisoned by my bitterness and preoccupation with my wayward spouse. It's true.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

But I stayed married because I love the whole package. And I do feel tenderness and love toward my husband. I want him to continue working to become a better man. My tough talk is in part a protection. I don't want to be hurt again - and I won't. If anyone was working to overcome a character flaw that in itself makes that work excruciatingly hard, it would be my husband.

 

You're right and I haven't forgiven I guess. And I actually have already two experiences like you describe - "creep, or bomb, into... friendships with women." One was with an old childhood friend who did not want to get involved with my infidelity fallout or the changes it's wrought with my family and the other was an old college roommate that went to a lot of trouble to find and try to reconnect with me. Both were essentially poisoned by my bitterness and preoccupation with my wayward spouse. It's true.

 

Well, he did some things that you're going to have to forgive him for so that you can have healing and joy whether you stay with him or not.

 

I'm glad to read that you love him and I'm touched and respectful of your honesty in admitting you haven't forgiven him yet.

 

As we all live our lives we each will experience betrayals and hurts of one sort or the other. This is written not to belittle your experience, which I know to be an awful one, but to gently remind you that none of us can protect ourselves from future hurts no matter what precautions we may take.

 

Somehow you need to find healing and forgiveness.

 

I've had a lot of hurts and betrayals in my own life and my relationship with God is what has brought me healing and forgiveness. Without it, I wouldn't be alive, literally. It has brought hope and joy into my life. I mention this as it's the only way I know of to heal from deep wounds.

 

I can honestly write that it's the painful things I've experienced in life that God has used to bless me most. That said, I don't want any more painful experiences, for sure!

 

I believe when you're healed you won't have to go looking for friends as you will attract them.

 

You seem to be a dear person. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. But, I'm very hopeful for your future as you seem to be an honest and determined person.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

Well, he did some things that you're going to have to forgive him for so that you can have healing and joy whether you stay with him or not.

 

I'm glad to read that you love him and I'm touched and respectful of your honesty in admitting you haven't forgiven him yet.

 

As we all live our lives we each will experience betrayals and hurts of one sort or the other. This is written not to belittle your experience, which I know to be an awful one, but to gently remind you that none of us can protect ourselves from future hurts no matter what precautions we may take.

 

Somehow you need to find healing and forgiveness.

 

I've had a lot of hurts and betrayals in my own life and my relationship with God is what has brought me healing and forgiveness. Without it, I wouldn't be alive, literally. It has brought hope and joy into my life. I mention this as it's the only way I know of to heal from deep wounds.

 

I can honestly write that it's the painful things I've experienced in life that God has used to bless me most. That said, I don't want any more painful experiences, for sure!

 

I believe when you're healed you won't have to go looking for friends as you will attract them.

 

You seem to be a dear person. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. But, I'm very hopeful for your future as you seem to be an honest and determined person.

Wow this has been really touching and helpful already. It's me I have to work on. I do admit that this huge life-altering event - discovering my partner cheated on me more than once - completely threw me off the forward trajectory I think I was making in life. I've plateaued as a person, iand maybe even got stuck in one place. I frankly think I'm probably not even in a place that I would even be fun to be with or a sensitive friend.

 

It's a lot to think about.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wow this has been really touching and helpful already. It's me I have to work on. I do admit that this huge life-altering event - discovering my partner cheated on me more than once - completely threw me off the forward trajectory I think I was making in life. I've plateaued as a person, iand maybe even got stuck in one place. I frankly think I'm probably not even in a place that I would even be fun to be with or a sensitive friend.

 

It's a lot to think about.

 

Not all people are looking for friends to use as entertainment, fortunately for many of us!!

 

Psalm 68:6 "God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners (sets people who are bound in chains free!) with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."

 

Someone I knew (it wasn't me) was addicted to a substance. A family member told the person not to try to give up the addiction but to get to know Jesus Christ by prayer and reading the Bible five minutes a day. At the end of the week of praying and reading the Bible to know God the addiction was gone and has been gone ever since. This is just one illustration of God's power.

 

I can't promise anyone that Bible reading will solve everything for you in one week but staying in God's Word and prayer after devastation in my life has changed everything for me. I have found freedom from unforgiveness and healing for brokenness. Because of God's grace my life has blossomed forth like flowers! That's where the term, "The Truth will set you free," originates as Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life." John 14:6.

 

Why don't you pray that God will send you the friends He wants you to have? They will be tailor made for this time in your life. God has brought me many friends and when their work in my life, and mine in theirs' is finished they often move on (sometimes literally move out-of-town!), but He always replenishes the supply of friendships for me. I have just prayed that God will send you the friends He wants you to have.

 

As I typed that last sentence the thought came into my mind, and I believe the Lord impressed me with it as it blasted into my mind exactly as I wrote the last sentence,

 

"The best friend you can have is God. He wants to be your friend and will be an incredible, faithful and loving friend to you!!"

[stilltrying16]

OP, your questions are very thought-provoking.

 

I'm glad you are determined to guard your heart. And I treasure my own emotional independence greatly and applaud you for making that a goal in your life. To me, being emotionally independent doesn't mean being closed off from others. It means avoiding emotional parasitism of one kind or another and learning that happiness comes from within.

 

I feel so strongly that pain and trauma should not preclude friendship. The friendships I value the most are the ones in which we freely talk about these things (along with happier things, common interests and so on). If anything, they brought us so much closer together. As for bitterness- a true friend would see where that was coming from and her/his being there for you would actually help lift the bitterness. In any event, I don't see bitterness in your posts- I see determination and a refusal to settle for a half-life, emotionally speaking.

 

I was actually going to suggest getting in touch with old college/work friends, but then you mentioned the two negative experiences you had. Maybe those two friends in particular were not ready for emotional intimacy. I'm sure you didn't lead with overly intimate demands on their time, so I wonder truly if their withdrawal says more about them than you. I would urge you to keep trying. If you're looking for friends in your age group, then the chances are that their time too has opened up around now.

 

What are your thoughts on the typical suggestions one gets when it comes to friendships? For example, activism, volunteerism, cultural education, involvement in social media? You mentioned that taking a class produced only superficial friendships, but aren't most adult friendships superficial to start with? Don't we then build on them cautiously? I firmly believe being in a grandparenting generation is an advantage- I remember my friendships of the 20s, however close they were, going through dramatic hurts. Luckily we all were smart enough to know we had connections we needed to treasure and so we didn't destroy them over silly bs. Now, however, I would imagine we won't seek drama at all. We won't seek ego kibbles and won't look to friends to somehow make up for our insecurities- all things I remember happening with my friendships when we were younger.

 

You mentioned that you couldn't maintain some of your friendships because of moving a great deal. I imagine then that social media or phones and those other ways of staying connected haven't been enough. Is there any possibility of reviving those friendships via social media? Tell us a little bit more about what the chances are of reviving other friendships from the past.

 

Sorry for the long rambling post. Let me try to recap with some questions for you:

 

in terms of making local friends: what are your opinions on the classic ways of doing so eg via activism, volunteerism, etc?

 

What are your opinions of reviving older friendships online?

 

I wish you luck and I am going to follow your thread with interest. And thank you for bringing up this issue- it's dear to my heart.

[Satu]

Sometimes we deprive ourselves of what we want by holding on to something we don't want.

 

I think that you are doing exactly that.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

No, I think that the reason I don't pursue much of anything, including new relationships, is that I'm still mired down in victimhood. There's not enough of me free of the feelings of regret and loss to have anything left to offer in return for the interest and concern I would like to receive. I won't have anything to give or take until I can be free if the past.

 

I did do a few months of counseling. It was a good start but hardly enough.

 

I wish I could forgive my husband. I've read those conversations under "Infidelity" about forgiveness and realize I am holding back. I'm still mad at him. I think that part of me silently dares him to try anything again so I can expose him once and for all.

 

It's not a healthy way to think, consciously or unconsciously, or live, but I truly do not know how to go about letting go of what he did as if it doesn't matter.

 

Someone wrote this in one of those other discussions about forgiveness:

I think forgiveness goes hand in hand with remorse. Forgiveness is not a blanket get out-of-jail card for past transgressions, it is just acknowledgment that the one that was wronged will not hold this against you. The fact is not forgotten, nor should it stop the work that is required from both sides. Showing remorse, having your actions show that you are committed to being faithful going forward, and living as a good spouse, partner and lover, going forward, is the best response to his "forgiveness"*I think you have accepted his "forgiveness", what you are saying is that his forgiveness does not release you from consequences of your actions, or working on the marriage, and showing that you understand what you did and you are remorseful for your actions.

I would say that my husband is doing all of that, making that effort to show his good intentions.

 

It's just that I think now that the only reason he stayed after Dday was because he thought he had to. And now that I know what all he did during our marriage that I hadn't known before, I think that he was just too cowardly to get out then and just stayed unhappy and let me be deluded and misled. I think he was young and full of his own potential for whatever and resented me.

 

Now, the tables are turned and I think he's finally committed, truly committed and I'm the one that's resentful and holding back. Only I would never look for happiness on the sly. I just wouldn't sneak around.

 

I know that he's there, just waiting for me to try and work together, but something holds me back.

 

There were times after I found out that I'd cry and be so, so very sad - in such disbelief, shock and sorrow. He could not comfort me or understand. It was the most lonely and bereft I think a human being can feel. I think I fear giving myself to him in love again that he will not cherish and protect.

 

If any of that makes sense.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

In other words, maybe new experiences, new friendships can't happen until one makes peace with the past.

 

There's no looking forward if you're so stuck in the past you can't even live fully in the present.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

The words are there and the understanding, but the wherewithal of how to do it is not. And the idea of doing it (actually forgiving him and moving forward) still engenders feelings of sorrow and loss with no perspective what to do about it. It's like being two people—the one who understands but doesn't feel and the one who feels but doesn't understand.

[TaraMaiden2]

In a nutshell, this thread developed into interpreting exactly what I meant in my preliminary posts.

That while you keep yourself stuck in the present (mind-set) you can never move on to discover and enjoy what you yearn for.

 

And as the thread has evolved, it's been revealed that you are holding on to Anger, Resentment and Blame.

 

It's a kind of dumb question ("well, D'uh!!") but have you actually ever sat face to face with him and told him that he needs to apologise, sincerely, from deep within his heart, both to you and to the children you created, for his infidelities?

 

I realise now that you meant you're not an active, day-to-day mother with young dependent offspring. But you're still a mother. With children. And memories. Of how you brought them up, before, during and after these episodes of infidelity had been revealed.

 

Do they know the full story?

Are they aware of the extent of the hurt, betrayal, and continued anger, resentment, and blame?

 

The reason I ask, is because sometimes, putting this all out into the open, and being honest and forthright - can be an enormous step in the healing process.

 

Very much like "Hello, my name is John Doe and I'm an alcoholic".

 

The first step in any process of healing, is standing up and admitting it, "in public" and letting others know where you are.

It seems to me, that half of the pain has been caused by concealment, keeping things to yourself, harbouring these emotions close to you, in order to not rock the boat or upset the status quo.

 

The affairs may be past.

But the healing is faltering.

Because while they may be in the past, they have not been confronted to the fullest extent, in order to kill them for good.

 

In my opinion, some up-front honesty and acceptance of your entitlement - an entitlement to air your heart's pain - may be in order.....

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm a recovering betrayed spouse and have spent lots of time on the Infidelity forum, reading and learning. I've decided to start this question out here, knowing it might get moved, but I think the overriding factors influencing my choices and needs right now are from the infidelity fallout overlapped with life circumstances.

 

We're reconciling and all that, but I need friends. We're older, traveled and moved a LOT over the years and admittedly didn't work at keeping old friends. Part of that is that we just changed a LOT from the conservative, small-town lifestyle of our childhoods and even college years AND that we don't drink.

 

We live in the same city as our children and grandchildren, but we've only been here a couple of years. The infidelity involved a family member, so we're somewhat isolated from extended relatives. I'm taking a class and slowly making friends there - but very superficial. I long for friendships or at least relationships with people, probably women, that are fun, not superficial, interesting, warm/affectionate.

 

My husband works at home and is taking a class independently as well. I can tell he's already made a connection with the female teacher even though she's even older than he is. He just does. He always does whether he thinks he's trying or even trying not to. They come on to him and he has, of course, never dealt with the personality/character issues that allowed the affairs to happen in the first place. Whatever. I'm so f-king bored and disgusted with that subject I could scream and don't really care to help him figure out when he crosses a line again. If he does, I go. Period. And that's about as far as I want to deal with that at the moment. Don't worry. Nothing has happened between them and I am SO very savvy for the signs at this point, though I'd like to think - for his sake - he'd be able to talk about it as well. There is a question, however, when and how he'd be able to acknowledge the need if it developed - or if it already has.

 

But either way, I am just SO tired of spending MY life on his stupidity and mental aberrations. wtf. If he can't figure it out now - after the nuclear fallout of what he's already done? - well, I kind of don't have it in me to help him. He can just f-k it up one last time and I say to everyone with a smile - well, that's that. And, yes, he knows that.

 

No, I'm interested in me. I don't want an affair. I want friends. My own women friends or couple friends, probably both. Good friends - like when I was young. Through college years I had good friends that were fun, loyal, caring and wonderful to talk to. Even as a young wife and mother I had friends, but we'd already begun moving a lot. Now, I also know that my husband got involved with a couple of women that I thought were my friends but actually were his. Like I said, I don't want to dissect that past in this thread - it's been done, believe me, and is what it is. I just want to take care of me now. I'm saying, I know I had a raw deal in adulthood and should've had more friends. In part, I wasn't great at keeping up but another part was his ridiculous, charming attractiveness that I should've realized meant they weren't the friends I needed anyway.

 

So I want my own life now and am having a hard time figuring out how the hell to start at this stage in life. I know the obvious advice is join stuff. So I signed up for a dozen MeetUp groups and get emails. I'm taking a class. What else? I feel like I'm 16 writing to an advice column. Anyway, any other suggestions?

 

Maybe this should go somewhere else? Because I'm really sick of thinking about my husband's problems. I just want a better life myself.

 

I have a few questions...

 

First...how long has it been since the infidelity occurred?

Did you go to therapy? individual? Couples?

Did you "find" out about the infidelity or did your husband confess?

 

Have you both read the book...How to help your spouse heal from your affair...by Linda MacDonald?

 

I ask these questions because...it does not sound like healing has occurred....or forgiveness has been achieved.

 

I agree with Tara.....she has given wonderful insight.

 

I think you want friendship outside of your relationship with your husband...because you are afraid....afraid to trust him to be your "best friend"...after all...he hurt you.

 

My concern is...you will approach every relationship the same way....and will still be left "lonely".

 

Trust is very hard to achieve after a betrayal like infidelity. But relationships of any depth require trust to some degree.

[Lois_Griffin]

Now, the tables are turned and I think he's finally committed, truly committed and I'm the one that's resentful and holding back. Only I would never look for happiness on the sly. I just wouldn't sneak around.

I think the sad truth is that he's older now and just doesn't have the same itch to chase skirts like he used to. Even old alley cats eventually have to slow down and stop their prowling. But it's not because they've suddenly seen the light.

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

I have a few questions...

 

First...how long has it been since the infidelity occurred? 4-1/2 years was the last one

Did you go to therapy? individual? Couples? Both but don't think the Couple counselor was so great. I went to individual

Did you "find" out about the infidelity or did your husband confess? I found out then he confessed to it and to others.

 

Have you both read the book...How to help your spouse heal from your affair...by Linda MacDonald? yes

 

I ask these questions because...it does not sound like healing has occurred....or forgiveness has been achieved.

 

I agree with Tara.....she has given wonderful insight. so do I

 

I think you want friendship outside of your relationship with your husband...because you are afraid....afraid to trust him to be your "best friend"...after all...he hurt you. probably true

 

My concern is...you will approach every relationship the same way....and will still be left "lonely". my concern also

 

Trust is very hard to achieve after a betrayal like infidelity. But relationships of any depth require trust to some degree.

Hope this ^^^ answers (in bold).

[ShouldaKnownBetter]

I think the sad truth is that he's older now and just doesn't have the same itch to chase skirts like he used to. Eiven old alley cats eventually have to slow down and stop their prowling. But it's not because they've suddenly seen the light.

Yes, you're right. Furthermore, he hasn't tried to change his own inner thought process or impulses. He told me recently that he's pretty much put himself under house arrest, so he doesn't get into trouble again. I don't think he's tried or knows how to change from the inside out.

[seamos]

Something I would suggest, for making friends, is to take some time strictly for yourself where you involve yourself in something that interests you, a hobby, or activity, as long as it involves some socialization (probably not needlepoint LOL).

 

Having a mutual interest is always a good place to start w/ developing new friendships.

 

This also gives you a reason for meeting people instead of just searching for friendships in general.

 

My own experience w/ this came after a divorce where it suddenly seemed my entire life had been taken w/ her when she left, but then I began whitewater rafting, rock climbing, taking German language classes etc... and in no time I was meeting people who were interested in doing activities w/ me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hope this ^^^ answers (in bold).

 

yes thank you....

 

Well first...it sounds like the two of you are approaching this reconciliation with good tools. You are to be commended.

 

Have you expressed to him what you have written here? Sometimes I think we withhold information from each other that is vital to healing.

 

My husband just expected me to "know" and I had no idea what he was looking for. Once he could articulate his fears and concerns and feelings...I could help him to heal. I realize that maybe we as cheaters should already know....but remember...as the cheater...he already has all the information...to process. As the betrayed...you are relying on him to supply you with all of the tools....which means relying on the person who betrayed you to begin with. It is a horrible place to be in. Because you once again find yourself depending on the person who is undependable.

 

So if you have not shared the information with him about your fears and worries and emptiness and loneliness....he truly may not know.

 

opening yourself up to him is frightening I know....but the friend you really need...the friend you really want...is him. You want to feel like he has your back and that you can tell him anything. It really is a trust issue....and trust after a betrayal is the most difficult kind of trust to rebuild.

 

It takes remorse and forgiveness....

 

You can certainly co exist in reconciliation and even have happiness. But it sounds to me like you desire more than that....and fear is keeping you from having it. Loneliness is a terrible feeling...while being alone can be very good....and can help us to examine who we are and what we really want.

Edited May 22, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[TaraMaiden2]

These two comments give me some cause for concern:

 

.... I found out then he confessed to it and to others.

 

Yes, you're right. Furthermore, he hasn't tried to change his own inner thought process or impulses. He told me recently that he's pretty much put himself under house arrest, so he doesn't get into trouble again. I don't think he's tried or knows how to change from the inside out.

 

 

First of all, if you had never found out, then the old chestnut "what the eye doesn't see the heart won't grieve over" springs to mind.

He would have carried on betraying you, and maybe have had further flings in addition to the one you discovered and the ones he additionally confessed to, which means remorse was driven by discovery, not guilt.

 

Secondly, it seems he is imposing self-control through prohibition, not through duty or Marital vow. I need not elaborate, because you are drawn to the same conclusion.

 

Ergo, it seems you cannot forgive because he has not proven himself deserving of it. Were he truly contrite, remorseful and full of genuine regret, it might prove easier.

it seems more and more that you have adopted a façade of normality and progress, to hide the fact that - in fact - you are still wounded and broken by his cavalier dismissal of your marriage. He holds it in far less worth than you do, if confining himself to barracks is what it takes to stop himself from straying, rather than any dedication, devotion or commitment to you.

 

I'm sorry, that';s an entirely hideous picture.

I really do feel for you, ShouldaKnownBetter.

No wonder you have this feeling of malaise and dissatisfaction.

It goes a lot deeper than it originally appeared.

 

May I ask, why do you stay married to a man who it seems holds the sanctity of marriage to a lesser importance than you?

What is it you are trying to maintain?

[merrmeade]

Something I would suggest, for making friends, is to take some time strictly for yourself where you involve yourself in something that interests you, a hobby, or activity, as long as it involves some socialization (probably not needlepoint LOL).

 

Having a mutual interest is always a good place to start w/ developing new friendships.

 

This also gives you a reason for meeting people instead of just searching for friendships in general.

 

My own experience w/ this came after a divorce where it suddenly seemed my entire life had been taken w/ her when she left, but then I began whitewater rafting, rock climbing, taking German language classes etc... and in no time I was meeting people who were interested in doing activities w/ me.

Simple, obvious but brilliant. Thanks, seamos. I just googled my hobby and my city and good grief! They meet a couple of times a week and have potlucks and such. Maybe ol' hubby will go, too.