Some shady stuff going on. Possible still with OM

[cmrock]

Hello all,

Four months ago my wife and I briefly split up. We are together 10 years and married 8 with two girls.I was the one that initiated because she never wanted to spend any time with me, would barely even talk to me and show no emotionalor mental support, and she would lock me out of the bedroom and make me sleep on the couch. The couch was where i slept for 4 months.

 

Then we argued for several weeks and she hurt me by telling me she slept with someone else the night that we broke up, and she may be pregnant by him. I went back home after a few weeks telling her I was sorry that I left and that I was mentally and emotionally shot. Then one night I went over to her parents house with the kids, they told me I was being played, and they told me she had told them that she had been seeing him since last may.I confronted her about it and she finally fessed up. This situation was nothing new to me it was 4th long term afair she had in the marriage.

 

I got mad and said it's him or me. She proceded to break up with him on speaker phone in front of me. Then for the next few weeks she got really nice to me to the point where she was bribing me with sex when she did not have to for me to do things for her. She also began telling me how bad she felt for joey, and how they worked together at dennys. Soon after she quit her job and I found out he had quit too. A few weeks later she got a new job and she wanted me to take her there. When we arrived joey was already there, she was like he was the one who got me the job. I blew a gasket and said you got this job because you want too be near him. She said yes but we are just friends. She ended up quiting there several days later. I ended up getting her a job bartending soon after because I know the owner. Several days ago I sent a fb friend request to her and she never responded, I asked her about it last night. She got defensive and said why should I you can just text me to talk to me.

 

She was like I don't want you on there because I don't want you to cause drama. I asked her what she had to hide, she said I have nothing to hide and went and locked herself in the bedroom. Then today one of my friends looked her up on fb and told me about how she posted how she got the job, and one of the comments on it was from joey saying congratulations love. And she liked the comment from him afterwards. She also tells me the owner of the bar said I am not allowed in there when she is there. Which I know is a lie because all the other spouses are in there with their others.

 

I want honesty from her, and I have no idea how to approach this or what to do or say. I have no idea what is going on. I know it's only fb, why wouldn't she even friend me? Just sounds like a lot of suspicious things going on. I just want to know what's going on. I would greatly appreciate any comments or advice.

Thanks

Edited May 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs and merge duplicate threads

[GorillaTheater]

I want honesty from her

 

 

I sure don't want to kick a man while he's down, but wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up quickest. You may want honesty from her, but on what planet is that a realistic expectation? Ain't happening, brother.

 

 

 

 

I would greatly appreciate any comments or advice.

 

 

Divorce her quicker than a greased rocket sled.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to know what's going on. I would greatly appreciate any comments or advice.Thanks

 

After 4 long-term affairs in 8 years, you don't know what's going on ???

 

If the expression is "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me", I'm not sure what the proper phrasing is for the 4th occasion.

 

Since you come back to her each time, why would you expect her to change? You're just giving her permission to sleep with anyone and I know open marriages where the spouses have had less partners.

 

Wake up, my friend. You're being used and abused...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Good mothers don't risk the stability of their kid's lives. just my opinion.

[Bufo]

Serial cheater in the midst of an active affair. Not a good prospect.

 

Has she ever suffered any consequences for her A's? Except for you having to sleep on the couch which isn't any consequence to her. Without consequences there s no reason for her to stop and change her behavior.

 

She's rubbing Joey in your face. Total disrespect at a minimum and pure evil at the other end of the spectrum. Something is very wrong with her. Something you cannot solve yourself.

 

You are being used as babysitter and financier while she's out chasing her dreams.

 

See a lawyer and learn what divorce means for you. In fact, she'll probably need divorce papers served on her to wake her up. If she ever does. I think she's beyond responding to the 180.

 

Your goal,should not be to woo her back. You constraints try being nice to her. Your goal should be to get yourself out of infidelity. Whether that's divorce or reconciliation cannot be known at present. But what you are doing is condemning yourself to marital hell. It takes 2 to R, and she's nowhere near helping you

[Jersey born raised]

This is exactly the same drama you posted about in 2012. it needs to stop and only you can do it. She must likely has serious FOO issuess and her behavior and response to discovery most likely indicate CSA.

 

You cannot help her. What you do not understand is that you are currently an authority figure to her. (don't say no, I am explainig her reality, not true reality.) The person who harmed her was an authority figure. The this person is fused in her mind with you. The more you reach out, the harder she pushes.

 

Stop it, break cycle engage professional help with persons with background in this field.

 

FOO issues and CSA often result in tendencies of if not outright BPD. Try these questions

 

 

 

Thoughts on PBD

 

This was posted by an individual who while not a doctor has a great*

Insights into BPD and narcissists

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

7. Low self esteem;

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

*if most of those behaviors sound very familiar, it would be helpful for to know which are the strongest and most persistent. I

 

The poster would urge you that these traits are *common, it is the degree

Across all of these traits.*

 

Hat tip @Downtown*

[RecentChange]

Whoa.

 

So why do you stay in a relationship with her?

 

She has no respect for you. Lies to you. Sees other people, and won't share something as simple as her Facebook page with you!? She is MARRIED to you!

 

Bizarre - look, I am in a relationship that has involved cheating both ways - but nothing to the level you describe. To me, it doesn't sound like there is anything salvageable here. If I were you, I would be speaking to a divorce attorney

[aliveagain]

Friend, 4th long term affair in the marriage? Why are you still there? She is telling you that you will never be enough for her, time to take her seriously and start believing what her actions are telling you. Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, protect your children(I don't mean staying with a serial cheating wife) then get as much distance as you can from her. How many long term affairs does it take before you kick her cheating a$$ out? There are many things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them. Do not have unprotected sex with her. Have her tested for all STD's and give her a pregnancy test. Protect your self. You may want to give your children a paternity test. Don't settle that this is your life, take yourself out of infidelity, get rid of the cause.

[malvern99]

I am sorry you had to find this community cmrock.

 

In my opinion, I think you are totally focusing on the wrong issues. The whole FB drama is a sideshow. The main thing you have to confront head on now is the infidelity. If I read correctly, you have been married 8 years, and in those 8 years your wife has had 4 long term affairs. That is where you need to focus your energy for now. Stop sweeping her affairs under the rug and hoping she will suddenly become the model faithful wife. She is a serial cheater and without some major intervention, she will do it again.

 

Are you and your wife in IC? You because this sh*t is soul crushing, and her because she needs to figure out why she steps out on the marriage. Has your wife experienced any consequences for any of her affairs? Without consequences, there will be no behavioral changes, and by consequences I mean really dealing with the hurt and destruction she has caused you and your children. Why do you keep taking her back over and over? Where is your limit?

 

I suggest you read the following books to help you deal with yourself.

1. Codependent No More

2. No More Mr Nice Guy

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

Serial cheaters never change so either divorce her or get used to sharing her.

[Buckeye2]

DNA your kids. You can buy a kit at about any drug store. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid's. Then you send it to a lab.

[gemini6]

OK, looks like you have been in "doormat" territory for the entire marriage. I would say it's time to put an end to it - sorry, but "joey" sounds like a loser. If she wants a "loser" then let her have him...and if he wants a woman that cheats as much as she has..by all means, let him have that ****!

 

Whats going on with you? Why do you allow her to treat you with such disrespect? What do you think is going to happen if you leave her? Why are you so afraid of losing this woman? What's the attraction to her? Is she that "easy" to get in the sack for every tom dick or harry that she meets?

 

Sounds to me like she has to have the attention of other men ALL THE TIME. You can't change someone that has to have constant attention..what are you afraid of? Besides STD's and paying for children that may not be yours..

[standtall]

.I confronted her about it and she finally fessed up. This situation was nothing new to me it was 4th long term afair she had in the marriage.

 

 

1.Yes, something is going on.

2. Nut up and ditch her.

3. End of story.

[S2B]

You'll never get honesty from a gal like that.

 

You decide for yourself = you either stay knowing its crappy or you leave knowing you don't deserve what she dishes out.

[CoolHandLuke76]

I mean, what can we say? She's a horrible human being. You need to divorce her and get as far away from her as possible. She's a screwed up evil person and will crush the soul of anyone who hooks up with her.

 

Run.

[bubbaganoosh]

I wish I could feel bad for you but I can't. Your fault friend. When she had the first long term affair should have been the last for you and she should have been booted out but since you did nothing she's had multiple long term affairs and she's still there? What the hell's the matter with you?

 

Not bad enough that she's playing you for fool of the year or decade but your allowing it. Go find a lawyer, have her served and tell her to go live with Joey but alone. I would also get your own bank accounts and credit cards. Put her ass in the hot seat and reclaim your life and your home. Let her sleep on the couch. She doesn't deserve to be in the same bed with you or under the same roof but until you start sticking up for yourself it's going to get worse. Wise up and get rid of her. Hell her own parents gave you the low down on her and when that happens you should know what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

The couch was where i slept for 4 months.

 

Given the number of STD's out there, she's doing you a favor. Stay on the couch til she's gone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

4 affairs in your marriage ?

 

You're telling her this is acceptable behaviour by staying with her. How many affairs will she have before you realise she'll never stop cheating and you are being used?

 

Her own parents have told you. You got locked out of the bedroom for 4 months? While she was having an affair.

 

I suggest you seek therapy and dig deep as to why you allow yourself to be treated this way. You're wasting your time and energy with her ... quite simply she's something of a loose woman.

[aliveagain]

Friend, three of your wife's affairs happened in the first 4 years of your marriage. The last one has been going on for over a year and her own parents are the one's that gave you the truth because they couldn't stand to see you being played. I think you need to give your children DNA tests. I am actually serious, you need to test your children. What is so special about this woman that abuses you the way she does that you allow yourself to take it? You need to wake up soon because one day she is going to give you an STD that may be life threatening. This is not about facebook, this is about what's really going on in your head that keeps you in a really, really bad relationship. This woman has been cheating on you from day one, nothing is going to change her or make her stop. You need to take yourself out of this mess while you still have options. If you stay with this one get used to her having boyfriends.

[notbroken]

Why do you allow yourself to be abused like that (and it IS abuse)? Your wife - if you can really call her that - is not going to change. Stand up for yourself. Divorce her asap. You self esteem has to be in the toilet. Work on getting it back step by step. Get in the gym. Divorce her. Do things for you. Stop being a doormat. It is literally not healthy for you to stay with her mentally and physically. You are NOT helping your kids by staying with her. It is a terrible example of how life is supposed to be. Get out not only for you but for them too.

[BuddyX]

Balls. Make sure you find them and use them.

Why would you allow yourself to sleep on the couch? She's the one that cheated. Kick her out now.

She told you she picked you over him, but chose him. Action over words. Make sure you understand that concept.

 

Time to cut bait.

[Bryanp]

This is so sad that you allow yourself to be emotionally abused this way.

Your wife could care less that she puts you at risk for STD's.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

You know that you are being played and you still allow it. This means it is on you.

[NTV]

I understand the dilemma about risking losing time with your kids if you divorce. I understand not wanting a ww who appears a bit touched in the head to have unconstrained time corrupting thought processes. It's a tough pill to swallow.

 

 

So if those (and others) are the fears your facing, is there a way to make plans to address them should divorce occur? I mean, what if she divorces you and you're stuck facing them anyway? Don't you want to be prepared for that?

 

 

My thoughts on the 'good mothers don't ruin their kids lives' piece of this is that you may want to take those words and internalize them for a while. Having difficulty facing your fears becomes a lot easier if you think you are doing it for your children. Even if you don't truly believe those words, you might be able to use them randomly to play at one of her guilts/fears to get something you need done for the kids accomplished.

And if it doesn't work, i.e. she dismisses the words entirely, then you know you are dealing with a woman that has no guilt over hurting her own children... and then the words become real.

Course the other side of the coin, is that if you use them and don't mean them and they get you more timesharing/involvement/etc, then you may have to live with that.

[oldshirt]

why is your bar for a woman so low? Why do you feel so bad about yourself that you believe this is the best woman that you can get? Why is your self esteem so low that you accept this. Why do you not have the strength to move on with your own life and leave her behind never to be spoken to or spoken of again?

 

 

Those are the questions you need to be asking and the solutions to that you need to be finding.