Jump to content

Is this an Emotional Affair or am I just jealous?


Recommended Posts

Abe Froman

Greetings to all--

 

I have been perusing several of the forums on this site (and several others) for the past several days as I am trying to identify what is taking place in my relationship with my wife of nearly 7 years.

 

Here's a bit of context:

 

My wife and I have had what I would consider to be an outstanding marriage full of love. We dated for about 3 years before getting married and while we each uncovered some issues about one another during that time (my wife developing feelings for another man while playing an MMO together and having a substantial degree of sexual communications with a local friend through Myspace--yes, that's dating this & with her reading an email where I had requested a "first meeting" with a female friend at the time), we generally worked through them quite well.

 

After we were married, we had two predominately wonderful years together where we enjoyed each other's company and grew our family by adding four-legged additions (we have no human children--by choice). However, after those initial two years, I accepted a full-time position in another state and we relocated to a relatively unfamiliar spot where I went to work and she mainly stayed at home and played on her computer.

 

Again, playing the same MMO as before, she met a different man and began to develop significant feelings for him. I became aware (again) and felt extremely isolated (being in a new environment/location and having my wife now seemingly finding another outlet). It was extremely challenging, but again, she broke all contact and we managed to move forward.

 

For a few years after, my wife had a significant challenge with her libido and we had some frustrations related to that. Eventually, after tweaking a lot of different medications (my wife is on SSRIs and birth control) that have correlations with reduced libido, she found an outlet through another PC game (Dragon Age) with its emphasis on romance. She began to look up different fan art, fan fiction, and eventually erotica related to the game and I will admit that her sex drive began to significantly return.

 

However, along with this exploration, she began delving more heavily into pornography (which I don't have a problem with in a general sense--only when it seemingly leads to other problems) and began joining many Facebook groups of individuals with shared interests (in Dragon Age, erotica, etc.). She met an individual who she initially began "counseling" as I believe he was in his late teens and was trying to find a way to proposition his girlfriend for their first sexual encounter.

 

My wife wound up having highly sexual conversations with this young man where the two shared pictures (full nudity, etc.). This took place last summer and I only discovered the situation when I happened to look through my wife's phone for something unrelated (a cat picture) and noticed that she had downloaded the YikYak app (so I was curious why she had it--since I didn't know why she would be using it).

 

A bunch of crap hit the fan, proverbially-speaking. I blew a gasket, called her just about every name in the book (which I believe was the first time I had ever uttered a negative term "at" her), and nearly left. Again, she agreed to disclose what had happened, deleted all contact with the young man, and left many of the groups (specifically the "Smut" groups--not the Dragon Age ones) where she had been "led astray". We initially began discussing our marriage with her counselor whom she had been seeing for depression/anxiety for over a year and I was generally questioned about my demanding/controlling attitude and my resistance to "open relationships". We did perform some values assessments and my wife and I aligned generally on the issues of "most" importance, though we may have slightly differed as we moved down the list of values slightly.

 

My main request after last summer's episode was to have my wife break off contact with other men (outside of her part-time employment) and come to bed at the same time as me (since most of the sexting had taken place with her downstairs after I had gone to bed). She has since adhered to the latter portion of our agreement, but has definitely not stuck to the first part.

 

In the time since, my wife has made several female friends through her Dragon Age groups and regularly messages them through Facebook. As my wife had indicated that she had never gotten along well with females throughout the majority of her life, it was somewhat "different" for me to see her engage in "girl talk" with her friends. At first, I was still a bit reluctant (because I don't know any of the girls with whom she converses), but I have done my best to come around to the notion that it is ok.

 

On the other hand, she has also started talking to a cosplayer from one of her Dragon Age groups who plays the role of the character with whom she is admittedly highly infatuated (obsessed?). She began by following him on Twitter, liking his pictures, etc., but then managed to add him as a friend and now they regularly talk on Facebook messenger. She flirts heavily with him (sending in-shower pics, though with no breasts, etc. being shown, etc.), talks to him when she wakes up in the morning, and will sometimes stay up until 6-7 a.m. chatting with him while I sleep next to her. She admits that she has a crush on him, but that he's in a relationship and that he's "just a friend" (cue Biz Markie).

 

When I have told her how I find the entire situation disrespectful to me, dangerous to our marriage, and "wrong" (in about a zillion different ways), I've mainly been told that I'm controlling and that she feels like she isn't "allowed to have friends" because of my insecurity. I will attest that I'm VERY insecure about my wife's fidelity and that I have very little trust in my wife remaining in this area. On the other hand, I do firmly believe that my wife and I are deeply in love with one another and both of us want to maintain our marriage, if at all possible.

 

My wife agreed to meet with a Marriage Counselor about a month ago after another one of our recurring (and more frequent) arguments. Since then, the situation has only seemingly gotten worse as my wife got so irritated with me that she drove off one night and I did the same last night (when, after rolling over from briefly waking up, I noticed her chatting with him). We are trying to do the "Love Dare" while all this is taking place, and it's been nigh impossible to not be negative during all of this.

 

She now regularly deletes her conversations with him and I believe she is hiding some of her conversations with several of her female friends, as well (at least the parts relating to him or our relationship). Adding fuel to the fire, she is scheduled to fly across the country to go to a video game/comic convention in less than a month (over my birthday, no less) and he will be there. She and I are hardly ever physically apart (except for when she goes to work), so not only am I flipping out about the distance separation, but also because of his presence, too. I'm also very nervous as I will be returning to a more steady full-time employment situation this fall, as well--in a new environment (much like the situation I described with the 2nd MMO player/fling I described above).

 

So, here are my main questions for anyone willing to help--

 

1. Is my wife having an emotional affair? If so, how do I make her see it? I've read definitions of emotional affairs to her, shared several of these forum posts with her, and had countless arguments with her. We're already seeing an MC... I don't know what else to do.

 

2. Am I just being needlessly jealous? I will admit that I'm quite a bit of a control freak by nature and that I am a quintessential worry-wart. Am I over-reacting to all of this and should I just "accept it"? I've become physically sickened (not to mention emotionally unstable) by all that's taken (and is taking) place.

 

I love my wife and want to find a way to save our marriage, but I'm not sure I can keep going on like this.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

So, here are my main questions for anyone willing to help--

 

1. Is my wife having an emotional affair? If so, how do I make her see it? I've read definitions of emotional affairs to her, shared several of these forum posts with her, and had countless arguments with her. We're already seeing an MC... I don't know what else to do.

 

2. Am I just being needlessly jealous? I will admit that I'm quite a bit of a control freak by nature and that I am a quintessential worry-wart. Am I over-reacting to all of this and should I just "accept it"? I've become physically sickened (not to mention emotionally unstable) by all that's taken (and is taking) place.

 

I love my wife and want to find a way to save our marriage, but I'm not sure I can keep going on like this.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

 

1). At the very least. Also a good chance there's a physical aspect involved.

 

2). Not at all.

 

Honestly, I stopped reading when I got to her 4th EA during your courtship and marriage. Whether it's marriage in general or marriage to you in particular, your wife doesn't seem to want to play by your rules.

 

I understand you love her, but how do you propose to stay married to someone who acts like she doesn't want to be married to you? Tough hill to climb...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2

Forgive me, but I will say just one thing.

 

This is a marriage?

You have to be kidding me.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites
harrybrown

how would your wife like it if you had an A?

 

If she will not stop on going on the trip without you, you need to have her leave and file for D.

 

She is not respecting you at all.

 

time for a line in the sand.

 

Good luck. I hope no kids involved.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just a Guy

Hi Abe, after having read your complete post what leaps out and hits you in the face is that whatever you may say about you and your wife loving each other deeply, she definitely does not love you and is only hanging on to you for the sake of stability and security while she goes out and sows her wild oats. You say she is flying out across the country to participate in a games and comic convention in a months time, where her AP( Yes AP) is going to be present. She is doing this leaving you on your birthday, when as a loving wife she should have been by your side preparing to give you a special treat. Instead she is going to give the other guy a special treat by getting into bed with him and you can bet your bottom dollar on this. It is a foregone conclusion.

This said it is up to you to take positive charge of your life, free yourself of this toxic person and move on in life by finding yourself a loving and devoted wife for whom you will be more than sufficient as a man, a husband and most importantly as a lover. She will not have to be constantly looking for avenues to satisfy her emotional and sexual needs elsewhere. Just do yourself a favour and tell her to get a one way ticket to this convention, pack all her stuff and carry it as a trousseau for her new beau! Hope this helps. Warm wishes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, it doesn't sound like you are getting anything at all out of this relationship. Unless you count heartbreak.

 

 

You're right not to trust her. She doesn't sound like marriage material at all.

 

 

I would skip the counseling and head to an attorney's office. Let her start to show you why she's worth keeping.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed

How old is your wife? I ask because her maturity level reminds me of my 13 year old daughter.

 

Yes, she is having an EA. She's sexting this guy!

 

And double Yes, it will turn into a full-blown PA during her trip. Is she going solo? That trip most likely will be the "point of no return" for your marriage.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Abe Froman

I had no idea how quickly I would receive so many thoughtful responses. Therefore, I thank each of you who has already replied (and hopefully others who will share their thoughts/opinions/expertise, as well).

 

We are going to see our MC again today in an "emergency session" after my wife gets off work. In all fairness, I do think I should include some additional context that may make some of the situation a bit more understandable:

 

1. With reservations, I financed my wife's trip to the aforementioned convention before either of us knew that the AP would be attending. I honestly was doing so to extend an olive branch (of sorts) so that she could meet several of her friends from her online groups (and because she wanted to go last year, but we couldn't make arrangements). In other words, this trip is not being taken "out of spite" or anything of the sort.

 

2. That notion of "spite" or "malice" also creates questions for me. I truthfully believe my wife does not intend to hurt me by any of the actions she has taken/is taking. We have talked about that fact numerous times and it seems more like she finds the allure/validation of another's attention to be appealing (addicting?), but she does not necessarily "hate" me or anything. It seems much more like a situation of wanting to have cake and eat it, too.

 

3. While I do believe she would not actually physically cheat on me (on this trip), I'm certainly uncomfortable with the entire situation. Yet, how do I not seem controlling if I "forbid" things. After all, I believe I can only control myself (despite my wish to control other things being the control freak that I am), so am I wrong for supporting her travel in this situation?

 

4. To the question of me ever doing the same thing to her, I've posed the question and it really has had no resonance because we both know I wouldn't do something like that. In response, though, she usually says things along the lines of, "I would actually want you to go out and have more friends!" as a line of attack considering that I really do consider her my best friend (and really have no friends outside the family). Part of my earlier efforts to "go through it with her" in response to a previous experience was to basically eliminate my friends lists from Facebook, etc. (and I've been perfectly fine with that to this day--I'm happy just being with her).

 

5. One item that I neglected to mention that set off some of the more recent firestorm and led me to suggest counseling was her stating to me that she would "like" to have sex with this individual, "if given permission". She indicated that she knows I wouldn't be "ok" with that, however, so she states she won't. It is this line of discussion that makes me think she just has an entirely different perspective on relationships than I do...and I'm wondering if there's a way to reconcile the two viewpoints into something manageable.

 

Neither of us are extremely spiritual (she is pretty agnostic and I'm not a regular churchgoer by any means--despite the fact I do believe in the power of prayer), but I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with our overall perspectives on monogamy, commitment, fidelity, faithfulness, and marriage. The fact is, we get along and agree on 99% of our lives together...we make a great team in so many ways--except when it comes to this.

 

I'm just so confused right now and really appreciate all the feedback I can receive. Thank you again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Abe Froman
How old is your wife? I ask because her maturity level reminds me of my 13 year old daughter.

 

Yes, she is having an EA. She's sexting this guy!

 

And double Yes, it will turn into a full-blown PA during her trip. Is she going solo? That trip most likely will be the "point of no return" for your marriage.

 

She's 29 and I'm just shy of 36. Yes, she married when she was "younger" (22) and I have sometimes taken the role of "guide" in our marriage. I feel a moral obligation to help her as she's battled depression, anxiety, rage, and all the problems that go along with such mental health issues (time management, repeated job loss, inability to get out of bed, libido issues, low self-esteem, etc.). I hope this doesn't smack of arrogance (though, it probably does), but I'm not sure anyone else could love her more than I do and that's part of the reason I believe we should stay together.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your confused because the woman you love is not really in love with you. Maybe you ignored all the redflags she has shown but its time to really look at what you really have. I doubt seriously your going to be able to salvage this marriage. She has to be willing to no only change but be interesting in being with you and only you. It doesn't sound like she is in that spot. I would seriously consider seeing a lawyer and planning how to move on from this marriage.

 

Your not alone. I stayed with a serial cheater for ten years. I wondered all those years If I was raising someone else children. Neither of my younger kids look like me at all. It took me until just a couple years ago to get up the nerve to test my kids. Thankfully they are mine.

 

There are better women out there. You deserve better.

 

C

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude your wife is a cheater and it seems like she's been cheating on you just about your whole marriage I think the only reason he stays in the marriage because she has more opportunity to play her video games and cheat.

 

I think you need to see an individual counselor and probably divorce attorney pretty soon. I say that not because I don't think you could potentially work this out with her I said that because right now your eyes are closed and you need them to be open.

 

I don't know if you noticed it but none of the folks that responded to this thread indicated that she wasn't in an affair ...she is in an affair.

 

In marriage counseling won't do either of you any good until that Affair is over ended kaput. What you can expect by going to marriage counseling with her right now is for her to blame you for it and to tell you more lies.

 

And if you don't get anything else from my post right now to you I want you to get one thing... nothing you did or didn't do caused her to cheat.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She would like to have sex with a guy from the Internet. You may want to check for more photos. And get a text/message retriever to set up on her phone.

 

With permission. I hope that she has a fairly restricted definition of "permission" as a broad definition could include implied permission by buying the ticket. Yes, I know she claims she didn't know he was going to be there, but...

Lots of trust in her candor and honesty, wouldn't you agree?

 

The data you provided is somewhat sparse for an armchair psychologist to give a diagnosis, but someone with training should see her to examine SA, bipolar,,etc that lend themselves to an excessive need for approval from others. You know this isn't her first infatuation.

 

Finally,,and I'll stop this lecture I promise, you can't really trust her when you and she are under the same roof presumably some time zones away from The Gamer. When you are time zones away and he's one floor down, will you wonder what she's doing? Giving your implicit blessing to this trip is like holding a lit match to a gas can. Sure you'll learn whether it was full or empty, but there is a huge downside in your method.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
HurtHusband

Your wife is well out of order. Staying up half the night texting men and sharing nude photos of herself? You might love her but if she honestly loved you and appreciated you would she behave like this??

 

 

Who cares about her 'issues' her depression, her libido etc.

Why do you want to be a martyr and burden yourself with her problems?? That's no life... I would understand you wanting to help if she was actually a decent and faithful wife/ but she's not! Let her online lover fix her problems.

 

 

There are women out there without issues, women who have a job and work and will actually respect you and want you. You sound way too decent and understanding / sounds like she is just using you...gather some more evidence / but start planning your exit and future happiness with someone better.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife wound up having highly sexual conversations with this young man where the two shared pictures (full nudity, etc.).
She flirts heavily with him (sending in-shower pics, though with no breasts, etc. being shown, etc.)
This is not flirting. This is cheating.

 

We initially began discussing our marriage with her counselor whom she had been seeing for depression/anxiety for over a year and I was generally questioned about my demanding/controlling attitude and my resistance to "open relationships".
One item that I neglected to mention that set off some of the more recent firestorm and led me to suggest counseling was her stating to me that she would "like" to have sex with this individual, "if given permission". She indicated that she knows I wouldn't be "ok" with that, however, so she states she won't.
I've mainly been told that I'm controlling and that she feels like she isn't "allowed to have friends" because of my insecurity.
She wants and open marriage, and will falsely call you controlling and insecure for not agreeing to it. Marriage is all about the two of you agreeing to be bound by the rules of your marriage. You expecting her to be faithful to those vows does not make you insecure; the fact that she is a serial cheater that wants an open marriage, and that has told you that she wants your permission to have sex with another guy, is what makes you insecure and with good reason.

 

She now regularly deletes her conversations with him and I believe she is hiding some of her conversations with several of her female friends, as well (at least the parts relating to him or our relationship). Adding fuel to the fire, she is scheduled to fly across the country to go to a video game/comic convention in less than a month (over my birthday, no less) and he will be there.
While I do believe she would not actually physically cheat on me (on this trip), I'm certainly uncomfortable with the entire situation. Yet, how do I not seem controlling if I "forbid" things. After all, I believe I can only control myself (despite my wish to control other things being the control freak that I am), so am I wrong for supporting her travel in this situation?
She is allowed to have friends, but she is not allowed to have lovers. Just because she says that they are one and the same does not make it so. It does not matter if she booked the trip to be with him, or if he booked it to be with her, they are now going to be together. You are nuts to be OK with (much less paying for) your wants an open marriage wife spending an out of town trip with a guy that you know that she has sent shower pictures to, that you know that she has deletes her messages with, and that you know that she wants to have sex with.

 

I have an idea. Instead of her as a wife with no children having so much free time at home playing games with her lovers and going on trips with them, how about she get a full time job just like you? You cannot control her, but you can control ending this marriage if she goes on this trip and does not end all contact with these other men that she is cheating with. Demand full no contact with any of her other men, and demand full transparency in your marriage, were both agree to share all passwords without complaint and no deleting. Base on her history of cheating, if she does not agree, you need to end the marriage and find someone that knows what it means to be a spouse.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara

What a easy life she has. Sits on her backside all day playing games and cheats on you. Now you're even flipping the bill for her to go spend the weekend with one of them.. on your birthday!!

 

Seriously, this is crazy! What are doing? Why are you putting up with this? Is it some cuckold thing? I don't understand why a self respecting man or woman would tolerate it. You give everything and get nothing in return.

 

The way she is taking advantage of you is sickening. Any woman with an ounce of decency would never treat her partner this way. A relationship with a person with this self entitled attitude doesn't sound like it is even worth saving.

 

You deserve so much better than this, you really do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

2. That notion of "spite" or "malice" also creates questions for me. I truthfully believe my wife does not intend to hurt me by any of the actions she has taken/is taking. We have talked about that fact numerous times and it seems more like she finds the allure/validation of another's attention to be appealing (addicting?), but she does not necessarily "hate" me or anything. It seems much more like a situation of wanting to have cake and eat it, too.

 

Why is her motivation important? If I walked up to you and punched you in the face, would you care why I did it?

 

There are always going to be people who's actions cause you hurt, harm and pain. I've learned to be more interested in effect than cause when it comes to these relationships. It makes for a much happier life...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just a Guy

Hi Abe, if you can afford it employ a PI to follow her to where she is going next month and track her every move while there. You will get to know how "loving" she is towards you by what she does when she thinks she's out of your sight and out of mind as far as you are concerned. What she is proposing is to lead a one sided open relationship while knowing that you will remain monogamous. Since she knows you will not be OK with her sleeping with other men, she will not do it openly but behind your back, that is, she will cheat.

What is your position on marriage? Are you of the view that marriages should be strictly monogamous or are you open to having an 'open marriage'? Depending on how you answer this question will be the deciding factor on how you will conduct yourself henceforth with regard to your relationship with your wife.

It seems to me that you would prefer to look at your situation with rose coloured glasses and yet you have these persisting doubts about your wife. Those doubts ate your gut telling you something is wrong yet you choose to ignore it. You can continue to do so at your peril.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi Abe, if you can afford it employ a PI to follow her to where she is going next month and track her every move while there.

 

With all due respect - why? He's already caught her dead-to-rights multiple times. She's also made her intentions very clear.

 

OP, if you want an open marriage, you've chosen the right woman. If your intentions are other than that, round peg meet square hole...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Abe Froman
So how did the emergency mc go?

 

Thanks for asking. I actually brought along several forum posts to our MC (from this thread--names redacted) and she indicated that they were "garbage" and were focused on taking the easy way out, didn't know the entire situation and our "love for one another", and represented "armchair therapy".

 

The primary focus of the evening was on my emotional reaction to what had been taking place and how I needed to get my anxiety under control. We were given a handout explaining the "anatomy of an apology" so that I could apologize to my wife for using the term "divorce" during an episode the other night (a term I have hardly ever used, if at all, in arguments with my wife).

 

My wife agreed to certain conditions on her conversations with the AP. Essentially, no texting/FB messaging after 9 p.m. or in bed and no flirting. I had offered the "optimal" idea of no contact, but both our MC and my wife flatly rejected the concept of me telling her she couldn't have friends (or in this case, a particular friend).

 

I was pretty assertive in the session and my wife acknowledged that while she felt validated by the MC, she felt pretty "attacked" by me. We went and ate dinner together, walked around an outdoor mall for a short while, returned home, and my wife just curled up on the couch and didn't talk to me for a few hours.

 

Eventually, we went up to bed and she admitted to messaging the AP about the new restrictions (which I said was "ok"), but upon just shortly waking up/checking her FB messenger, she had immediately started talking to him today once out of bed and saying how she is "irritated" by the new restrictions, but has agreed to them--but she "had to do something, because she sure as hell isn't going to break all contact" (in reference to him).

 

I actually slept a bit better last night for the first time in forever...but now I feel like nothing has really changed and I'm back at square one.

 

Truly, I do believe I have a wonderful relationship with my wife in so many ways--except in this one area. We are truly best friends, love each other's company, and have so many common interests and share love with one another.

 

Overall, I'm still really confused-- I do believe entirely in monogamy and can't stomach the thought of an open relationship (to address several concerns/questions of others who have posted). Yet, outside of this one area, we do seem to do quite well together.

 

More thoughts are certainly appreciated as I'm really more confused now than before.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Abe Froman

I do have an individual counseling session with the same MC for myself on Monday to deal with my insecurities/phobias/anxiety... Might this be a time for me to address something without the presence of my wife?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I do have an individual counseling session with the same MC for myself on Monday to deal with my insecurities/phobias/anxiety... Might this be a time for me to address something without the presence of my wife?

 

Of course! You have SO many things you need help with.

 

Throw all your issues out there and see what help/guidance you can work with.

 

Anything is better than the nothing you are doing.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Dude your wife is a cheater and it seems like she's been cheating on you just about your whole marriage

 

And even before the marriage too...

 

Issue before the marriage.

"(my wife developing feelings for another man while playing an MMO together and having a substantial degree of sexual communications with a local friend through Myspace)"
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...