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Im just so heartbroken. Completely and utterly devastated.

 

My husband and I have been together 9 years and married for 5 years. We have 2 beautiful little girls aged 2 and 4.

 

In February i randomly discovered hotel conformation emails when i logged into his email account (which i have never done before). I was at work and my heart just sunk. I was in complete shock - having never suspected a thing. I went home and absolutely screamed at him like ive never screamed at anyone before. He admitted to being at the hotels but denied being with a women. I didnt believe him and kicked him out. Over the next week he convinced me it was the truth and he moved back in.

 

Before all this we had been fighting a lot, didnt treat each other with respect and were really struggling to communicate. Once he was back we had the most wonderful couple of months. We were both working so hard to communicate and things were great. It was like we fell in love with each other all over again and i thought "wow, maybe that was the shake up we needed to get our marriage back on track"

 

Then, it all came crashing down when he confessed the truth. He had had an affair. A woman from his work for 3 months. He says ended when i found those emails and kicked him out. The woman was threating to tell me, so he confessed. I kicked him out and he is now living with his parents which is only a street away. His parents are so supportive of me, ive cried on their shoulders many times, they are so embarrassed and ashamed of their sons behaviour. But ultimately all they want is for us to be together. They love me like a daughter and love their grandchildren immensely.

 

Its been 5 weeks now. He is still living at his parents and im living with the girls in our house. Im so utterly heartbroken because i though he was my soul mate and even though we were fighting so much i never thought of life without him. I never ever thought he would do this to me. I would never cheat on him. I thought we would be together till the day we die. I trusted him 100%. Im just so shocked. And so so sad.

 

He is begging me to take him back. He is begging me to go to marriage counseling. He is answering all my questions. He tells me he loves me and the girls and doesnt want to live without us. Ive cried and he sits silently and hugs me and lets me cry. He says its so hard for him to stay and watch me cry, but owns what he did and understands he is to blame for my tears.

 

It just hurts so much. Initially i didnt even think i had an option. It was over. I couldn't forgive him. But now ive had over a month to think. Spend time on my own. And i realise i dont hate him. I still do love him. Our girls dont realise cos they are so young but my heart breaks for them.

 

It feels harder to forgive him because i love him so much and never thought he would do this. I dont know what to do? Can i give him a second chance? Or will my heart be broken forever?

 

Would i be stupid to take him back? I cant take any more pain like this ever again.

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If you're not sure, why not go to marriage counseling with him and find out what his malfunction was?

 

There are many good books on marital recovery that you can read in the meantime, which will give you insight into how and why affairs happen. Not Just Friends by Glass, After the Affair by Spring, Getting Past the Affair by Snyder and Baucom. What Makes Love Last by Gottman. These will give you a basis for what kind of questions need to be answered in terms of character and whether this was an aberration or a deeper flaw.

 

In terms of love, forgiveness, and trust... some of us are capable of regaining love and practicing forgiveness. To the best of my knowledge though, the blind trust we once had in our spouse and in others is lost forever.

 

I've made my own choices based on avoiding bitterness. In other words, I didn't want to become a bitter person who spent the rest of her life feeling cheated. Only you can say what needs to be done in order to come out healed on the other side.

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EverySunset

I've been where you are. I would hug you like a sister, bring you funny, stupid movies, a bottle of wine and a box of tissues.

 

And in the morning, we would have a real talk. I would tell you that there is absolutely no rush. I would tell you to take your time, be better than me, and learn from my mistakes. I would tell you that he absolutely has to earn his way back in that house, and that you guys need to go to marriage counseling, while he is still living with his parents. Why? Because he hasn't earned his way back in that house. Work things out with a therapist. Or don't. But either way, he gets to stay with his parents right now, because he needs to earn his way back in that house. Everyone has problems in their marriage. What he did, only you can decide… Probably through therapy of your own… whether or not you can forgive.

 

When I went through it, I gave my husband "cheap forgiveness". I thought I was sacrificing my feelings for our family. What he saw it as, was weakness. And he took advantage of it. Over and over again. Don't be me. Make him earn his way back in that house. If, and only if, you can forgive. And guess who gets to decide that? You. I wish I was there telling you this through a hug. Only you can decide whether or not this will move forward. Why? Because even though you both made children, he was the one that wrecked your family to pursue his own selfish desires.

 

Go to marriage counseling. Even if you don't end up staying together, it will help you learn how to communicate with him as you move forward. The most important things right now? Are you, and your children. He has to earn his way back in the family, when he purposefully and selfishly, took his way out, so now?

 

This is all you. If I were sitting with you, probably a little hung over and you too, we would agree… That this is your game now. You are calling the shots. Why, because you kept your head throughout everything. And now you have to keep doing it. Why? For your children. For you. For your marriage. You.

 

You can do this. And whatever you do…

 

Make. Him. Earn. His. Way. Back. In. That. Home.

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EverySunset

I chose the word "home" because anyone can live in a a house. You made a home with your children, AND ITS STILL THERE. He doesn't get back in until he proves he's worthy of it.

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Mrs. John Adams

I absolutely would recommend therapy...individual as well as marriage.

 

I would ask that you read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald.....you can find it online....it is 95 pages long... and I would ask your wayward husband to read it....and after you have both read it...sit down and discuss it. You will see if he is sincere by his reaction to the book. If he doesn't "get it"...it will be obvious.

 

I would continue to live separately until you read this book and go to therapy a few times. It will give you the time and space to "think" without constant pressure to make a decision. You have plenty of time. He lives nearby and can visit his children.

 

I am glad you have his parents to lean on.....when i had my affair my husband turned to my mom. She had our best interest at heart....because she loved us both.

 

You might want to also go see a lawyer just to cover all of your bases and get your ducks in a row.

 

Reconciliation is a hard road....it is one step ....one day at a time...for the rest of your life.....but your marriage can be repaired. It will always carry the scar.....but it can be good again.

 

My husband and i have been in reconciliation for 33 years. There is hope.....

 

The first thing your husband should be willing to do for you is answer all of your questions. The second is he needs to become completely transparent to you. All passwords and access to all accounts....facebook, phone, computer etc. If he is not willing to become transparent.....he is not willing to bear his soul to you....and you cannot begin to rebuild trust.

 

I am truly sorry you are here....but loveshack is a great support system.

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renaissancewoman

Kamelia,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish I could give you a great big hug. You've been given lots of great advice from other posters here. The only thing I'd like to add is something from one of my most favorite bloggers. Glennon Melton Doyle of Momastery (rhymes with monastery) is raw and authentic and has been where you have been. Here is one of her beautiful posts about her own healing and her marriage.

 

Our Easter Story | Momastery

 

She is also set to release a new book Love Warrior this summer about her journey through infidelity and how she and her husband have been able to reconcile.

 

Wishing you peace and healing.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I'm so sorry for your pain. I know it all too well.

 

I can't tell you if you should take that leap of faith with him or not. But what you've shared sounds promising. So often these stories involve husbands who are still deflecting and blaming, who won't admit to anything unless confronted with incontrovertible proof, who want to keep having their cake and eating it too. It's a good sign that he confessed to the affair on his own, though of course you would have preferred that he do it right away and not after a few months of false reconciliation. It's also a good sign that his parents know and that he is facing the consequences and humiliation.

 

My view is that I'm going to process everything and work on healing whether we stay together or get divorced. It's going to be hard either way -- it's not like one of the options means you get to skip the pain. You simply must make the decision that's best for you. If you want to work on your marriage, it sounds like your husband is showing signs that he will be able to do the self-work to become a safe partner for you again. But if you don't, and this is a deal-breaker, then that's OK too. Just try to take it one day at a time.

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It's a good sign that he confessed to the affair on his own,

 

He didn't though, did he?

He was pressurised by his OW, who threatened to spill the beans, if he didn't come clean.

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Mrs. John Adams
He didn't though, did he?

He was pressurised by his OW, who threatened to spill the beans, if he didn't come clean.

 

You are correct as I have understood it...but he did come clean without his wife finding out first..... So he did confess....

 

Those cheaters who confess have many reasons for doing so ( his was fear of being ratted out by the ow)...the important thing is he did confess. So technically... He confessed... Regardless of why.

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You are correct as I have understood it...but he did come clean without his wife finding out first..... So he did confess....

 

Those cheaters who confess have many reasons for doing so ( his was fear of being ratted out by the ow)...the important thing is he did confess. So technically... He confessed... Regardless of why.

 

YES he confessed, but he didn't do so "of his own volition", and yes his wife did find out first.

Had he come to that decision to confess all, through love for his wife or his kids, or guilt or a desire to to the right thing, I guess it would be more helpful to reconciliation, than doing it because he was emotionally blackmailed into it AND after his wife found the evidence AND after he lied through is teeth and gaslighted her enough to convince her there was no cheating going on...

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ladydesigner

(((kamella))) I'm so sorry :( I hated that feeling when you realize the person you thought would always have your back didn't have it at all.

 

If you really feel like you have a chance and want to keep your M (take your time there is no need to rush any decisions), then I agree with the others to go to M counseling, but be 100% sure that your WH is remorseful (not regretful) and that there is 100% No Contact between him and his A partner. Those would be my only terms for R, otherwise it won't work.

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Mrs. John Adams
YES he confessed, but he didn't do so "of his own volition", and yes his wife did find out first.

Had he come to that decision to confess all, through love for his wife or his kids, or guilt or a desire to to the right thing, I guess it would be more helpful to reconciliation, than doing it because he was emotionally blackmailed into it AND after his wife found the evidence AND after he lied through is teeth and gaslighted her enough to convince her there was no cheating going on...

 

You are right in an ideal confession it would be exactly as you have described... But how many cheaters do it by the book?

 

I doubt very few ... And while confessing for the right reasons is a good start to reconciliation... There are still those who get no confession until after discovery and the 180 has been applied... That still choose reconciliation.

 

It hurts regardless.. Her life as she knew it is torn apart... She is devastated and she just wants her life back..

 

She asks.... Should I take him back?

 

And none of us can make that call for her....

 

All we can do is offer some kind of hope for tomorrow whether it is reconciliation or divorce.

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Honourably honest

Have you had your STI results back? If he has passed on anything from the inside of this woman then you need to consider it is over, and he;s threatened your health.

If the results were negative, then I should think you are as low as you will be.....but the choice is yours. He's violated you, threatened your health and tried to lie to you. Not a great foundation for a marriage.

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YES he confessed, but he didn't do so "of his own volition", and yes his wife did find out first.

Had he come to that decision to confess all, through love for his wife or his kids, or guilt or a desire to to the right thing, I guess it would be more helpful to reconciliation, than doing it because he was emotionally blackmailed into it AND after his wife found the evidence AND after he lied through is teeth and gaslighted her enough to convince her there was no cheating going on...

 

True enough. But he did choose to pull OW's fangs by getting out in front of it. I'd say that's a relatively good indicator that he's done with her.

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I think before giving reconciling any consideration - it's best to know what his truth is and what he's willing to do to learn about why he did it...and what he can learn about himself so he doesn't do it again.

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Hi kamella

I can only try to imagine your pain, but I'm sure it's far beyond what I'm capable of imagining. I am sorry for what you are feeling.

 

I am not a BS; I am xOW. My affair with xMM lasted on and off for a while. His wife never found out of the affair. IF she did, that would have been the end of his marriage, as he told me. But he did tell me that the affair made him rekindle his dormant marriage and made him realize that he loved his wife more than he knew before the affair.

 

In some sick disturbing way, it was a wake up call for him. From the last conversations with him, I gathered that his marriage was in a way better than it was ever. It's sick, but such is the reality.

 

The reason I'm sharing this with you is, IF your husband's OW didn't threaten, then your marriage would have continued to be better than the recent times.

 

From what you describe, it sounds like your husband really does love you. YES, he committed a monumental sin, There are marriages that really should end after an affair. Yours doesn't sound like one that must. Yours sounds like the ones where there are some marital issues that weren't being addressed and for whatever reason your husband drifted and committed the horrible crime of cheating, but realizes that it was a mistake.

 

I'm trying to phrase this as carefully as I can, because I fear you will misunderstand my intention:

You said before the marriage you two were fighting a lot and weren't communicating well. THAT is a problem in a marriage, even if the cheating didn't take place. DO realize please, that while your husband's actions were completely wrong, it had something to do with him feeling disconnected or neglected from the marriage and from you.

 

For many MM, cheating is not a fully conscious decision. While they are completely responsible for their actions, do recognize the human side of the equation. That is, day by day, when a man for whatever reason feels emotionally dissociated from his life partner, soon enough out of desperation he does the unthinkable. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he was being selfish and made an unfathomable mistake out of desperation.

 

I really do think your husband loves you and is very repentant. I really think if BOTH of you are willing to put in the energy and work into MC you two make be one of the success stories post-affair.

 

On a final note, please do understand I am not suggesting at all that "his affair was your fault", but I am hinting that there were some marital issues pre affair that weren't addressed for which BOTH of you are responsible for letting the marriage slide.

 

But now both of you have been given an opportunity to address those issues. You can think of the affair as a wake up call to make the marriage better and not as a cause for divorce.

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Wow your story is so similar to mine. I decided that I did not want a divorce. That I could stay, love my husband and be happy in the future. I decided that I didn't want to kick him out. We had been making such great improvements prior to the confession. I just didn't want to move backwards.

 

We decided to build on the improvements we made before the confession. After the confession we found a marriage counselor we BOTH liked. We talked about the fact he should have confessed when I initially confronted him. We worked through that.

 

Honestly, I am happy. It did not happen overnight. I had to go to individual counseling, I had to work through the humiliation, and I eventually needed medication for depression. However, despite all that it was worth it for me.

 

I am glad I didn't kick my husband out because honestly I didn't want to kick him out. I wanted to find our love. If he was willing to try so was I.

 

Do what you think will make you happy in the end. If it is working on things do that.

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whichwayisup

Don't let him move back in for a while, if you do decide to work it out with him. He needs to show and prove to you in actions that he is worthy of a chance with you. HE should do counseling on his own as well as marriage counseling with you.

 

Also, the OW he had the A with, a co worker? So he still sees and speaks to her? If so, he needs to quit his job or transfer to another division, if possible.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Edited by whichwayisup
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Ladyjane14

I'll be honest.. I think that sometimes the healing goes best when the formerly wayward is present in the home. It's a weird contradiction in life, but sometimes it's the one who caused the hurt who ends up giving the most comfort. That hinges, of course, upon honesty and remorse for the wrong-doing. But the guy has had 5 weeks to stew and to think about what it is he wants. The OP is telling us he wants his wife and family.

 

If they're past the screaming and past inflicting further harm on one another, I don't see the problem with allowing him to come home while they work through the issues. One of the most pervasive pieces of advice she'll find through the books mentioned above is that if you wait until you're absolutely certain of your decision (whether to repair or end the marriage), you'll minimize your chances to make a reconciliation work. It takes a really long time for a betrayed spouse to remake that commitment, so you've got to move towards it before you're actually feeling it.

 

So, the caveat is... "I don't know how this will end, but I'm willing to try and to put in the effort"... and then you jump off that branch. You don't have to make a full commitment. You can hinge the whole deal on what you observe through counseling and study, delaying a final judgment until later. You do have to withhold the urge to punish though. And that's tough to do until you realize that there's no punishment you can mete out that truly fits the crime.

 

Anyway, sometimes prolonged separations actually create more damage. The best healing is done together if BOTH partners are willing to try. They've got two kids. She still loves him. Based on just the one post, I'd say let him come home, find out what the malfunction is.. make a decision from there. She can divorce him later if she feels like he's wasting her time. (And OP... time is valuable. If it turns out he's a worthless guy without any redeeming virtues, acknowledge that too. It's hard to tell from just one post what you're dealing with.)

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Mrs. John Adams

We never separated.....and for us it was the right decision...but i think separation for some is the right decision. In this case...he has already left the home....and she is trying to decide whether or not to let him come back.

 

She should only make that decision when she is ready to....and certainly therapy and research is the best thing she can do for herself to help make that decision.

 

If he was still in the home....I would not encourage her to make him leave....but since he is already out....she should take her time in letting him come back home.....especially for the sake of the children.

 

She should not have a revolving door. If she lets him back in....she needs to be ready to allow him to stay.....

 

If she is not ready to commit to that...it is better he remain with his parents and visit his babies.

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Thank you all so much for replying. Im just so lost at the moment and im open to all advice, so i appreciate it.

 

EverySunset - I really wish we could watch funny, stupid movies with a bottle of wine! You sound like a good friend ☺

 

Burnt - I appreciate your reply, interesting from the other side of the fence. I completely get where you are coming from and didnt take any of it the wrong way. Our marriage was really suffering before this happened. I dont blame myself at all for him cheating but i do take some responsibility for letting it get to this point.

 

Josie - Im really sorry our stories are similar. I hate to think of anyone else in as much pain as I am. Id be interested in hearing your story? You chose to stay with your husband - how are things now?

 

 

To those that asked:

 

My husband went to an STI clinic and was tested for everything. He gave the original copy of the pathology report and everything was negative

Yes, the woman was from work but when i orginally found the emails in February he changed jobs so there is no contact there.

Also I am already in individual counseling with a psychiatrist that I saw as a teenager/early 20's. She know me very very well and treated me for years. She put me in straight away as soon as i contacted her.

 

Every part of this is killing me. One day im convinced that i cannot forgive him for hurting me so badly and he doesnt deserve me - the one person that had his back every single time and gave him 100% trust and faith. The next day I know how much i love him and i know he loves me and our babies and he hates himself for what he has done and I want my family back. I hate that he is not here for me to talk to but i dont feel he deserves to be in our home. Im so confused.

 

He did say the other night he would do anything to try and have our family together. He said he would sign a contract stating that if he ever cheated again that he would walk away with nothing. Thats a big statement considering our house is worth over a million dollars and we own it outright. Im not stupid enough to believe that means he definitely wont cheat again, but it does actually give me some reassurance.

 

Im just so angry and hurt and sad and shocked. My heart sometimes physically hurts and i lose my breath when i think about it because im just so stunned that my best friend could do this to me.

 

Please tell me it gets better...how long does it take??

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Ladyjane14
Thank you all so much for replying. Im just so lost at the moment and im open to all advice, so i appreciate it.

 

EverySunset - I really wish we could watch funny, stupid movies with a bottle of wine! You sound like a good friend ☺

 

Burnt - I appreciate your reply, interesting from the other side of the fence. I completely get where you are coming from and didnt take any of it the wrong way. Our marriage was really suffering before this happened. I dont blame myself at all for him cheating but i do take some responsibility for letting it get to this point.

 

Josie - Im really sorry our stories are similar. I hate to think of anyone else in as much pain as I am. Id be interested in hearing your story? You chose to stay with your husband - how are things now?

 

 

To those that asked:

 

My husband went to an STI clinic and was tested for everything. He gave the original copy of the pathology report and everything was negative

Yes, the woman was from work but when i orginally found the emails in February he changed jobs so there is no contact there.

Also I am already in individual counseling with a psychiatrist that I saw as a teenager/early 20's. She know me very very well and treated me for years. She put me in straight away as soon as i contacted her.

 

Every part of this is killing me. One day im convinced that i cannot forgive him for hurting me so badly and he doesnt deserve me - the one person that had his back every single time and gave him 100% trust and faith. The next day I know how much i love him and i know he loves me and our babies and he hates himself for what he has done and I want my family back. I hate that he is not here for me to talk to but i dont feel he deserves to be in our home. Im so confused.

 

He did say the other night he would do anything to try and have our family together. He said he would sign a contract stating that if he ever cheated again that he would walk away with nothing. Thats a big statement considering our house is worth over a million dollars and we own it outright. Im not stupid enough to believe that means he definitely wont cheat again, but it does actually give me some reassurance.

 

Im just so angry and hurt and sad and shocked. My heart sometimes physically hurts and i lose my breath when i think about it because im just so stunned that my best friend could do this to me.

Please tell me it gets better...how long does it take??

 

 

How long does it take? Honestly, I don't know.

 

...any seriously wounding betrayal or deception leads to a grief that does not yield to griefwork, no matter how long we engage in it.

 

Our more exacting, elusive, and subtle practice is to grow beyond the betrayal. We do this when a breakdown in trust is seen as a call to evolve beyond blindly trusting the promises humans make and beyond hating those who break them." David Richo, Daring to Trust.

 

Infidelity doesn't just hurt you at the ego level. It challenges every belief you ever had about love and trust. I think in the end you have to develop new beliefs and new definitions.

 

Most experts say it takes 1 to 5 years, but I don't think we're ever the same afterwards. I mean, how can you go back to thinking that you really know your spouse when it's been proved so utterly that he was capable of deceit and behavior you never imagined possible? And if you didn't know him, how can you really know anybody? :confused:

 

This going back and forth (one day thinking to reconcile, the next day wanting to divorce), goes on and on and on. Shock and inertia can make your choices for you if you let them. You say he doesn't "deserve" to come home. That's true. What he "deserves" is a big, fat divorce, with years to come of child support and alimony payments to remind him that he's a low-life, cheating jerk who ruined his family life.

 

But is that what's going to make YOU the happiest? What do YOU deserve? That's the question.

 

Your definitions of love and trust are going to change no matter which choice you make. This is toothpaste that can't be squeezed back into the tube. You've been awakened to a new reality, one where love is not unconditional and trust is not given blindly. That's the new world.

 

We grieve for what is lost, but it's a mistake to make our choices based on trying to recapture our innocent belief system.

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Friskyone4u

Kamella

 

First of all, congratulations for being way ahead of the game in that you did not play the "pick me game" and beg him to stay and change. Kicking him out took courage and sent a loud and believable message that there would be no wiggle room.

 

You also have it in your favor that he switched jobs, which is the usually recommended action in workplace affairs.

 

Seems like he is offering a POST NUP of some sorts. I would check with an attorney in your location and see if they hold up in court. If so, take him up on it.

 

I am not sure it matters at this point, but he did not confess. He uttered the Damm words right in front of being outed. To think that that is a confession is playing with words.

 

If you take him back, lay out your expectations that insure accountability, transparency, and committment to you. And make them non negotiable.

 

And lastly, you owe him or anyone here no explanation or defense if this was a deal breaker for you. That is your right to decide if you want to.

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Everyone including especially your H is on your timeline.

 

You take as long as you want to make your decision on this. Do not offer R lightly.

 

This is the thing. If he has any contact with OW the affair will continue.

 

Make no mistake she doesn't give a damn about you or your kids obviously neither does he at this time.

 

Your H is a cheater. They all lie, hide and deny. You cannot trust anything from him at this time.

 

No remourse = no reconciliation!!!!

 

Being sorry he got caught is NOT remourse.

 

Good luck to you and your kids.

 

P!ss on him. I hope get gets as much crap as he deserves.

Edited by Marc878
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aliveagain

For me infidelity is a deal breaker but I am not you, you are the one that has to decide if you can live with the imbalance his infidelity has created. If you decide to stay do so for the right reasons. Staying for the children, for financial reasons or because of fear are all the wrong reason's. Before marriage counselling can be of help he needs to know why he allowed himself the approval to cheat and the way to do that is with intense independent counselling first. The reason you were fighting so much was because he had a girlfriend and you were in the way of their relationship. She was probably putting pressure on him. My guess is she was tired of being the piece on the side. Fact is he only confessed because she was about to expose his cheating a$$ or they would still be deep in their affair. The honorable thing would have been to confess when you caught him paying for hotel rooms then the confession would have meant something.

 

Do not even consider reconciliation without a bullet proof post nuptial agreement in place that gives you just about everything should you divorce because of a new infidelity. They are hard to enforce but it will cost him a small fortune to question it in court. The thing about infidelity is it voids all. His word no longer has the value it had when you married him and the thing that marries you is your word, the marriage licence is just the public record of the event. So if you stay, new rings, new ceremony, brutal post nuptial agreement and absolute transparency after he has gone through independent counselling. If he refuses any of your terms which are not negotiable, kick his a$$ out and don't waste one more minute on him.

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