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Husband in Emotional Affair with Ex-Wife


visionless

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Hello, I'm a first time poster here. Hopefully this is the right location to post because I sure feel cheated on.

 

I'm looking for advice and just have a need to really get this sorted out in my own mind. I'm tired and heartbroken at this point and really just feel like a failure in this area of my life.

 

My husband is an emotional affair with his ex-wife, leaving very little for our marriage of 17 years. I have talked to him on more than one occasion about how I feel about his "friendship" with his ex. I didn't even know they were "friends" until our most recent conversation where I called myself really putting my foot down on the matter. Instead of hearing my concerns, he defended their "friendship".

 

Having 2 kids together, they have understandably talked throughout the years. Unfortunately, she has put us through a lot of drama throughout as well. The ebbs and tides always flowing around how well her relationship or marriages are going. My husband was her first marriage. She is on her 3rd marriage now and that one doesn't seem to be working out either. The 2nd one was really bad and I know they spoke a lot during that time. Again, I'm thinking their conversations had to do with the kids being okay and things of that nature. The kids even stayed with us for a year while she was going through the divorce and moving back from Atlanta at that time. Now that "the kids" are fully grown at 27 and 29, out of school, living adult lives, I'm realizing (admitting to myself) that it has always been more than just the kids. He's been the one she has turned to time and again. And he has been more than happy to listen and be that support, even doing things for her. He even talked to her about our marriage problems and talked to her more than me when he served overseas for a tour - the very time she had just got married to husband #3 and didn't tell him.

 

As I said, I have had conversations and yes, arguments throughout our marriage with him about my feelings that there was more to her staying in touch then just being about the kids. Being married to someone, you will get those feelings when something isn't right. Him going downtown at weird times then overhearing him telling one of the kids that he picked their mom up from work. Seeing emails that are flirtatious. Seeing emails that hint at her having more knowledge of our marriage details than she should. Not being invited to birthday parties or not even knowing about a function until after the fact. But again, always shrouded in things about the kids.

 

It's been like putting together the pieces of a puzzle. Pieces dropped over the years, but finally the picture was brought clear recently. It was the iPhone. It took him a long time to get a smartphone, but when he did and she learned about it, wow! They have a group text that includes her, him, their 2 kids, and her daughter from the 2nd marriage. Not me, not her husband - just them, like a little family. Pictures fly back and forth. "Family" announcements - her family. Invites, etc. It's all mainly her doing, so again, I didn't say too much. He will show me things in the group text from time to time, but when I commented on the oddity of this "group", he thought it was no big deal.

 

Still alarm bells, and I reached a place where I have gone through his phone twice now. He forgot he gave me the passcode one time and that I rarely forget certain things. I see text messages of her saying she's on her way to a certain music concert - the very one I wanted to go to, but he had suddenly changed his mind about going. Discussing buying gifts for their grown kids together. I see him asking if she can talk and her responding that her husband is home right now. I see him wishing her a happy birthday, happy Valentine's Day, and most recently a happy 30 anniversary. She responds how it's sweet of him to remember and all hearts/kisses emojis. The anniversary was the day they got married years ago and they were only married 4-5 years. I was devastated and still am. Thing is, they don't text much so I don't have much. They talk over the phone more and mostly when they are both at work or not home or if me and her husband. I know because he lets it slip that he spoke to their Mom when he talks to either of his kids. Oh, There's a group email too. I learned this when he showed me an invite to a graduation ceremony; guess he didn't think I would read the To and From??

 

We just moved into a new home and one of our conversations (which I initiated after my first time going through his phone) before our move was how I really wanted this move to be a fresh start for us. I set boundaries and expectations and expressed how I did not want any sudden, surprise visits from her at our door. She had been showing up at family functions lately with their daughter (no husband) and I had no clue she was coming, so that was a warning to me also. She wasn't pulling that at my house.

 

So to see in plain text that he is also "reminiscing" or maintaining this level of "friendship" with her, to see that it's not as one-sided as he would like me to believe. To see my feelings ignored, I'm just really depressed now. I don't matter. The sum total of our marriage is I'm his companion and financial help, and even his friend, but I'll never really be his wife in more than the marriage certificate. I have wanted to believe more for us, have fought to be better as a wife, but it doesn't matter, it really doesn't.

 

I could contrast the lack of romance and emotional depth in our relationship. He has never really got to know my family beyond my immediate family. He couldn't tell you the names of my aunts and uncles, or any of my cousins. He rarely would come with me to visit my Mom and Dad, and never went to see my Dad while he was in the hospital or before he passed away. Never bought them gifts beyond a card and maybe some money and only on Christmas. He treats my son well enough; he's pretty good with kids.

 

We rarely vacation together and it has to be something he's interested in. He does not kiss me. He only wants a hug after an argument. He hasn't told me he loved me in years. He still wants sex. I have gone through a lot throughout our marriage: losing my father, losing a job, diagnosed with a pituitary lesion, in a major car accident requiring 4 months of physical therapy to walk right again, changing careers, pursuing a Master's, now dealing with my Mom's failing health, which required me to temporarily withdraw from school. Through all of this, my husband has had little to no emotional support to give. Doesn't even ask how I'm feeling or doing or how was my day. If I don't volunteer, he doesn't know, then I have to catch him when he's not ready to watch TV or check his email or his iPhone.

 

I wish I knew this before I sunk so much money into this house, but I guess I always did. I just hoped that through our conversations things would change. I have a son from a previous relationship and his father and I don't act this way with him and we were high school sweethearts - lots of memories and no ill breakup. We are friends, but I don't commemorate when we met in high school or became a couple. I barely even text him out of respect for his marriage and he's the same with me. Our son is old enough (21) to talk to the both of us individually. His wife and I are good friends. When we see each other, I hug her first and talk with the both of them. It's just respectful to me.

 

I know this is long and kind of pitiful, but here it is - my wonderful marriage of 17+ years!

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What a terrible situation.

 

Would your husband go to marriage counselling with you to discuss these issues?

 

I think that would be a good start. The love that once was between you and him needs to be rekindled .... only then will his Ex drop of the radar.

 

A frank and open discussion about the kind of marriage you both want would also help....including your current feelings towards each other. You need to know that you're on the samepage and you need to tell him what you want from the marriage.

 

Some ex spouses always remain in contact though ..... and it's nothing to do with their kids. Ultimately you have to decide if you can put up with it..... if there is no change would you walk?

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whichwayisup
and most recently a happy 30 anniversary. She responds how it's sweet of him to remember and all hearts/kisses emojis. The anniversary was the day they got married years ago and they were only married 4-5 years. I was devastated and still am.

 

Reading that made my heart hurt for you. WTF is he doing even mentioning their past anniversary!! They aren't married anymore so where's this 30th anniversary thing coming from!!

 

Sadly it seems like he is very invested in her and she in him. This goes beyond just co parenting and being on friendly terms for the sake of their kids. I doubt it's physical... They rely on each other way too much and you have every right to be upset by this.

 

I doubt he's going to end things with her, for some reason she has a hold on him so my suggestion is to be honest with him and tell him how you feel, if he refuses to change or compromise, ask him to move out and that you will not put up with this anymore, that you'd rather be alone than live with him continually speaking to his ex and excluding you.

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What a terrible situation.

 

Would your husband go to marriage counselling with you to discuss these issues?

 

I think that would be a good start. The love that once was between you and him needs to be rekindled .... only then will his Ex drop of the radar.

 

A frank and open discussion about the kind of marriage you both want would also help....including your current feelings towards each other. You need to know that you're on the samepage and you need to tell him what you want from the marriage.

 

Some ex spouses always remain in contact though ..... and it's nothing to do with their kids. Ultimately you have to decide if you can put up with it..... if there is no change would you walk?

 

Thank you for responding and for your words. I am willing to go to marriage counseling. I think we not only need that, but individual therapy as well. We talked about it a long time ago, but it didn't go anywhere past conversation. Admittedly, feeling alone in a marriage, I started focusing more on me and trying to be happy with me.

 

I have attempted to have frank and open conversations about our marriage. I've asked, "what do you see for us in the future?", "where do you want to retire?", " what do you want for us?" He has either responded with humor or I'm asking him at the wrong time because he's thinking about other things. I try to tell him what I am looking for, but unless it's shrouded in being angry, he doesn't hear it or he does and doesn't make any actions. His investment in his ex and their family prevents it.

 

And yes, she is the type that will remain in touch regardless. It baffles me because she cheated on him, left him, got pregnant by someone else and married that guy. When she found out he got married, she gave him all sorts of hell using the kids. They suddenly needed any and everything and he needed to provide above and beyond the child support. I'm sure when that marriage ended and she moved back here, that was the beginning of where things are now.

 

Yes, I would walk. I have wanted to walk on 2 previous occasions and couldn't because of money problems. I worked in sales before, so money was never steady. I am in a steady paying job now, so I could support myself, after paying down a number of bills. We don't have kids together and we keep separate bank accounts, so it could be a clean break mostly. Too bad I just sunk a lot of money into buying this home. It's not all gone. I can save once again.

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Reading that made my heart hurt for you. WTF is he doing even mentioning their past anniversary!! They aren't married anymore so where's this 30th anniversary thing coming from!!

 

Sadly it seems like he is very invested in her and she in him. This goes beyond just co parenting and being on friendly terms for the sake of their kids. I doubt it's physical... They rely on each other way too much and you have every right to be upset by this.

 

I doubt he's going to end things with her, for some reason she has a hold on him so my suggestion is to be honest with him and tell him how you feel, if he refuses to change or compromise, ask him to move out and that you will not put up with this anymore, that you'd rather be alone than live with him continually speaking to his ex and excluding you.

 

Yes. My mouth just dropped when I read that. I had to think for a second to even think what that meant. It was so odd. Then, in the next second, I couldn't believe it. Their son will be 30 this year and I recalled they got married while she was pregnant. It was the reason they got married. I've been with him all these years and he's saying happy anniversary to her??? And she's married to another person too? WTF, indeed!

 

While it's not physical now, I suspect that at one time, between husband number 2 and 3, there could have been something brief. I saw signs and he really acted strange during that time.

 

When we had our last conversation, I flat out asked him to not speak to her unless it had to do with the kids. At the very least he needed to set some boundaries. That's when he told me they were "friends". At one point things had been bad between them, but now they're "friends". My heart caught right then because I knew that was not good. Plus it took me cornering him for him to admit to anything. He went on to say I needed to understand what I would be doing if I asked this of him... his daughter is getting married next year, his son is going through a divorce, her mom is good friends with his mom, family this, family that....

 

I asked him point blank, does her husband know that you all communicate like this? Group texts, phone calls at work, emailing, talking when neither he or I are around? Does this seem right to you? Why would a woman talk to her ex and not want her husband to know about it? I got silence and a half answer again beating around the bush. So that's when I told him she's not welcome in our home until I'm included in this friendship and you both want to finally have a real conversation with me about all of this.

 

That's where things were until that nagging feeling came back just over a month later, leading me to view his texts again this past weekend and I saw the "happy 30 anniversary" exchange. I'm going through all types of stuff with my Mother and you're sending her messages like this?

 

I'm trying to process right now, really am.

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renaissancewoman

Really it comes down to him prioritizing his ex over you. I may be ostercized for saying this, but I believe that when you marry someone, you do become one body with them. They are above everything else, yes even children. I love my children very much, but my husband is #1 after God. I don't know if you are a woman of faith, but I say this as a way to enlighten how I feel about marriage vows and how I view marriage.

 

So your husband clearly does not see you as his #1, and I know how devastating that is. Even if it's not physical at the moment, in many ways it's worse, because in essence, he has brushed you aside and clearly doesn't even realize just how hurtful he is being. He doesn't even seem to care. If you truly love your spouse, the simple thought of hurting them should cause you pain. That alone, would be a deterrent for doing anything like what your husband is doing with his ex.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think that you would be wise to decide if there is even anything you feel is worthy to fight for in this marriage. If not, then do not even give him the choice of choosing between you and his ex. He's been choosing all along. Considering the fact that you don't share any children between the two of you, it would be prudent to consider the state of your recent assets and establish a good clean break. I would tell him that you are no longer sharing your life and building a life with someone who clearly is not making you his top priority as he should be the minute he said, "I do."

Edited by renaissancewoman
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Really it comes down to him prioritizing his ex over you. I may be ostercized for saying this, but I believe that when you marry someone, you do become one body with them. They are above everything else, yes even children. I love my children very much, but my husband is #1 after God. I don't know if you are a woman of faith, but I say this as a way to enlighten how I feel about marriage vows and how I view marriage.

 

So your husband clearly does not see you as his #1, and I know how devastating that is. Even if it's not physical at the moment, in many ways it's worse, because in essence, he has brushed you aside and clearly doesn't even realize just how hurtful he is being. He doesn't even seem to care. If you truly love your spouse, the simple thought of hurting them should cause you pain. That alone, would be a deterrent for doing anything like what your husband is doing with his ex.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think that you would be wise to decide if there is even anything you feel is worthy to fight for in this marriage. If not, then do not even give him the choice of choosing between you and his ex. He's been choosing all along. Considering the fact that you don't share any children between the two of you, it would be prudent to consider the state of your recent assets and establish a good clean break. I would tell him that you are no longer sharing your life and building a life with someone who clearly is not making you his top priority as he should be the minute he said, "I do."

 

Thank you for your words. Don't be afraid to offer your POV. I appreciate it. I was raised to be a believer and was one for most of my life. I would say I still am, but have had my faith shaken in recent years. Yes, I remember much of my studies and lessons. I, too, believe that the spouse should come before all else after God, even before the children. I know he knows this as well because he was raised in a Christian household and even with us not going to church together in many years, he still reads his Sunday school lessons on Sunday and reads a devotion each morning before going to work.

 

I wanted to believe that he is somewhat emotionally closed off. He has never been openly expressive of his feelings. However, now I believe I'm suffering for the pain she put him through. ie. he won't love that deep again. Yet, in some twist of fate, she is benefiting from what he holds back from me. I'm sorry I ever married him. We should have stayed friends. I just don't feel fulfilled as a woman in a marriage. So, no, I'm not sure if this is worth fighting for any longer. I've been fighting already for years.

 

The only thing we have together is the house and I'm not on title yet (in process now). Even though I have good credit, with the new, stricter mortgage rules I couldn't go on the loan or title at time of purchase because I had not been at my current employer for 2 years. However, I put money into the home as far as home improvement, decorating, furnishing, organizing the move, dealing with the purchase process (I was in RE and lending at one point), paying for the inspection, and taking time off to meet deliveries and utility companies. I even installed a wall-to-wall closet organizer system by myself and built bookcases and dining chairs all while going to school full-time and working full-time. Yes, I contribute money and pay for most of the utilities also.

 

Sigh... I would want my money back at the very least. The house is nice, but I'm not sure I would want to fight for it. I may want to leave this state altogether and move elsewhere anyway. I can work remotely with my current employer, so I wouldn't need to necessarily find new employment either.

 

Still, maybe marriage counseling should be brought up. At the very least, maybe the individual therapy will help us both sort through some things to help us move forward to the future.

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If I can offer anything it would be to say don't quit! You obviously are worried and you love him. Can you seek marriage counseling? Either professional counseling or perhaps through a local church? I think you both need to be open and honest and set some ground rules about this other relationship. He was married before and has children with her, how great it is for them, and the kids that they can remain friends. I hope that they can remain friends but obviously its not a good idea to be cutting you out of meetings and conversations. Set some ground rules, be tough, and find a way to work through this through counseling.

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renaissancewoman
Still, maybe marriage counseling should be brought up. At the very least, maybe the individual therapy will help us both sort through some things to help us move forward to the future.

 

If, when you sit him down and lay everything out on the table: that his relationship with his ex is unacceptable and inappropriate, that he is investing more into his relationship with his ex than he is with you, that he is cheating, yes CHEATING, on you and having an affair of the heart, that you are no longer putting up with it....if after all that, his reaction is of complete remorse at the idea of having deprived the woman that he should love more than anything of any time and love that is rightfully hers, if HE suggests counseling and truly wants to set boundaries and stick to them without you saying anything, that would be the true indicator that there is something to be salvaged.

 

I have a really hard time believing people when they say that they love someone and then are so deaf when they say, "I'm hurting. You are hurting me." It seems to me that if someone you love says that to you, the appropriate response would be "I'm sorry. I can't believe I hurt you that way. Please forgive me and give me a chance to honor you in the way you deserve." And then they should follow it up with actions.

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I am convinced that in an emotional affair like this - and like my husband's with my sister-in-law - they do not want to see it because they are getting so much flattery out of it. It's their unspoken agreement to make the relationship light, fun and mutually flattering and alluring so that they will resist any attention to call it out and will vehemently insist they are "just friends."

 

They are not just friends and, even if they were, he owes that attention and emotional effort to YOU. Please try to get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. There's a lot there that you will relate to.

 

In my case, the need was so strong for them to be "just friends" that my SIL never did admit that the friendship part was wrong. She would only admit that giving into physical intimacy was "stupid" (though not 'wrong') Because of the PA my husband confessed but took a while with the emotional connection they had. Marriage counseling helped and going over their emails together helped.

 

It may be necessary for your to do that - read aloud the emails and texts together. Then, there's no escaping for him. But you must remember or get a counselor to help you remember that you did nothing wrong by looking for evidence. The fact is that you found it.

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There are so many many devastating stories of betrayed spouses.

But I never read one that is as heart wrenching as yours.

What you have been going through for 17 years I cannot even begin to imagine.

 

His behaviors and actions are beyond despicable.

Another poster suggested that you consider marriage counselor.

 

With respect, this 'marriage' never was a relationship between two people. Based on your description, he and his ex-wife are both using their spouses for convenience while carrying out a GUILT-free affair. What's truly ugly is that in their minds, not only are they NOT having an affair, but also they are justifying it as a "family friendship".

 

For most married men, at some point during an affair they usually come to feeling some level of guilt for how they are betraying their wives. Your husband does not and will not have any such guilt.

 

In a sick disturbing way, he has maintained a 'real' connection/relationship with his ex-wife, while using you as a trophy-wife, but in reality you are more like the Other Woman in his life.

 

I would suggest you contact his ex-wife's husband and have a conversation about all the things you have been experiencing and suspecting. You said yourself, spouses have gut instincts when something's wrong. You won't need 'proof'. Chances are her husband has been feeling "something's off" as well. Trust me, when he hears his wife's taking THEIR daughter to gatherings with her ex-husband--that's disturbing. He has the right to know how he is being betrayed as well.

 

Finally,

sorry to say, you, for YOUR sake, you deserve more, much more than being a dummy wife for a disgraceful cheater like him.

 

Don't seek MC. Seek IC and a divorce lawyer.

 

It's enough. You are worth so much more than this.

I am so sorry again for all the pain you endured all these years.

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Lois_Griffin
Yes, I would walk. I have wanted to walk on 2 previous occasions and couldn't because of money problems. I worked in sales before, so money was never steady. I am in a steady paying job now, so I could support myself, after paying down a number of bills. We don't have kids together and we keep separate bank accounts, so it could be a clean break mostly. Too bad I just sunk a lot of money into buying this home. It's not all gone. I can save once again.

It's not impossible to leave. Your situation is almost perfect except for the house. But there are legal/financial arrangements that could be made with regard to you recouping your investment in this new house. I'm a bit amazed you went through with this purchase having been as disrespected as you've been for the last 17 years, but that's water under the bridge, now.

 

You know, everyone thinks that telling you to go to marriage counseling and therapy is some kind of magic answer that will solve all your problems - and it won't. And reading some book by Shirley Glass isn't going to CHANGE HOW HE FEELS either.

 

Not even close.

 

It's PAINFULLY obvious that your husband is still emotionally bonded to his ex-wife and always has been. No amount of counseling or self hep books is going to CHANGE that. None. Shrinks don't have the ability to change someone's feelings and they're not the magic sorcerers everyone seems to think they are. Not even close.

 

It's a reality you've always lived with, always known, and for some odd reason, always accepted.

 

Well, after 17 years, you're no longer willing to accept it. Good for you. You're 17 years too late, but good for you.

 

I remained great friends with my first husband as we shared a 10 year old son when we divorced. We did back to school nights together, I attended many of his pool parties that he threw over the years, and I occasionally joined the family when they'd gather for holidays, etc. We co-parented beautifully. But we didn't act like we were still married and still a family, and I NEVER put my ex-husband before my current husband. We weren't constantly calling each other and getting together alone and we certainly weren't having sex together.

 

I'm going to assume that his marriage broke up NOT due to him wanting a divorce, but her. I have the feeling she may have been the catalyst who brought about their divorce and he's never gotten over it. Or perhaps she cheated on him? In either event, it's very very clear he's never let go of her.

 

It's been 17 long years of complete disrespect and disregard for you, Visionless. The man can't even bring himself to kiss you at this point. Sure, he'll have sex with you but that's not because he wants intimacy with you. That's simply about satisfying a physical need for him. Hell, you could be anyone once the lights are out. That's just a sad truth.

 

You can't 'talk' to him about it because you HAVE talked to him about it many times and it's done nothing. You've asked, you've yelled, you've tried to reason with him over the years to stop this and he hasn't. Talking to him for the 164th time isn't going to change anything.

 

It's been 17 long years of complete disrespect. Do you honestly think it's going to magically change? It's not.

 

Sometimes, you just need to know when to fold your cards and walk away from the table.

 

And it's time.

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I suggest two things: tell her h all you know and file for divorce. You don't have to go through with it, but you'll know for sure how invested hubby is.

 

He has wasted your life. Don't neglect that uncomfortable feeling anymore.

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Jersey born raised

Hi,

 

First get your name on the title. Speak with a lawyer about what to expect in the event of a divorce. If you are in the US ths site offers a lot of bullet points State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

 

Once you have a plan in place you will settled down considerably emotionally. Loss and uncertainty are the two primary forces causing your pain. Accepting the loss takes time, it is a process. Uncertainty you can deal with today. I urge you to do so.

 

There is aiways two realities between spouses, your's and your spouses. It seems that in a health marriage both spouses know this and adapt by developing habits that acknowledging and accommodating each other needs.

 

As to your marriage, are you a stand-in for those things his wife cannot or will not be? Are you just someone to sleep next to? Right now it sounds like you are a concubine.

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First, thank you for all of the replies. It helps so much. I want to say you have no idea how much, but I think you all do. I am not going to flinch or get upset with what is truth. It may be late, but I am sorry for what some of you have gone through as well. I appreciate hearing from those who have come through to the other side – I really do.

 

A couple of things to clarify:

 

1) When I stated that my husband’s ex would show up with their daughter to functions unexpectedly, the daughter I am referring to is my husband and his ex’s daughter. She doesn’t have any children with her 3rd husband. She does have a daughter that is by her 2nd husband. Basically, when my husband tells his daughter about a get together or something happening in the family, his daughter will say she is coming. We think his daughter is coming on her own or with her fiancé. Instead she shows up with her mother/his ex. The ex would not have her husband with her. I have no idea if my husband (or her husband for that matter) knew his ex was coming to these functions, but seeing as how this was starting to happen more in recent months, I put a boundary up that it would not be happening at our house.

 

2) I stated it in a later reply, but yes, she cheated on him and left him. She was the one that filed for separation and then divorce (you have to separate first in our state before filing for divorce). She also got pregnant by the guy who then became her 2nd husband. Not sure if he was the same guy that she cheated with originally or the order of those events. I know she hid the pregnancy and the fact that she was married again from him until she moved to Atlanta. Either way, again, yes, he told me while we were friends dating that it had really hurt him because he had really loved her. We even broke up for a time way back then because I didn’t think he was over her, but he pursued me, assuring me otherwise, and we eventually got back together and later married.

 

Deep down, I do believe marriage counseling would be a waste of dollars of the very reason Lois_Griffin stated. MC is not going to change how a person feels and he has been feeling this way for a long time. And conversation #164 (I laughed at that, ty) isn’t going to do it either. If, as renaissancewoman said, he hasn’t already immediately felt pain because I am hurt by this and worked to change his actions, then there is nothing I can do. He doesn’t love me, not the way I deserve.

 

I do believe that IC will help me, if nothing else. I can look back and see that I am not the same person I used to be. I have burying hurt and anger and disappoint and it’s starting to show. I have neglected a lot of relationships with friends and family over the years. I have not done much that was just for me. A lot of my interests have feel by the wayside. The only thing I have is work. I am focused when it comes to my career. Thing is I also had a side business that was poised to take off and I let that go… I used to write a lot; I would love to write a book, but no inspiration to do so… there’s just a lot I would like to do again. I can do these things, I know I can, but I just feel so alone, so hurt, so unworthy, and wonder why I should even bother. I don’t matter anyway.

 

That didn’t use to be me. I need to get back to me again.

 

I'm at work currently, so sorry if I missed anything.

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There are so many many devastating stories of betrayed spouses.

But I never read one that is as heart wrenching as yours.

What you have been going through for 17 years I cannot even begin to imagine.

 

His behaviors and actions are beyond despicable.

Another poster suggested that you consider marriage counselor.

 

With respect, this 'marriage' never was a relationship between two people. Based on your description, he and his ex-wife are both using their spouses for convenience while carrying out a GUILT-free affair. What's truly ugly is that in their minds, not only are they NOT having an affair, but also they are justifying it as a "family friendship".

 

For most married men, at some point during an affair they usually come to feeling some level of guilt for how they are betraying their wives. Your husband does not and will not have any such guilt.

 

In a sick disturbing way, he has maintained a 'real' connection/relationship with his ex-wife, while using you as a trophy-wife, but in reality you are more like the Other Woman in his life.

 

I would suggest you contact his ex-wife's husband and have a conversation about all the things you have been experiencing and suspecting. You said yourself, spouses have gut instincts when something's wrong. You won't need 'proof'. Chances are her husband has been feeling "something's off" as well. Trust me, when he hears his wife's taking THEIR daughter to gatherings with her ex-husband--that's disturbing. He has the right to know how he is being betrayed as well.

 

Finally,

sorry to say, you, for YOUR sake, you deserve more, much more than being a dummy wife for a disgraceful cheater like him.

 

Don't seek MC. Seek IC and a divorce lawyer.

 

It's enough. You are worth so much more than this.

I am so sorry again for all the pain you endured all these years.

 

Burnt, I have definitely thought about telling the ex’s current husband about this. There is no way he knows about their level of interactions. Like I said, I saw the one text where my husband asked if she could talk and she stated that her husband was home. Her husband is not in their group text and they talk at work, communicate through work email, or talk when neither her husband nor I are around. What’s even more telling is that I have met her husband at family functions recently and I know he doesn’t play. He will have something to say and it won’t be nice. It’s clear he isn’t looking to be friends at all with my husband, but my husband never reached out to him either. No one likes him and my husband’s kids talk about him badly to their father. Her husband doesn’t seem so bad to me, but I do know that some of what he does is not in the interest of their marriage. I don’t know him enough to judge him either way, but the fact is that she married him, so if things aren’t right between her and husband #3, it’s on her.

 

How should I go about bringing this to his attention? I know where they live, but I don’t have his number or anything. Should I reach out in Facebook or something like that? I should probably wait until I am fully able to leave, but I sooooooo want to say something right now. I should not be the only one hurting in all of this! Right now, I look like the crazy one because I’m the only one seeing a problem. That’s got to change.

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renaissancewoman

I would be inclined to get everything you have on paper. Interactions, screenshots of group texts, proof their emails to each other. I would get these in a packet. Make 4 copies and invite them to dinner. Present your case and let her husband know that whatever he decides to do with the information is his choice. But you've made yours and move on.

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