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How do you trust again?


Moxie Lady

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I wasn't sure whether to post here or in the section that seems to be focused on divorce. But I guess infidelity is what got me here so here I am.

 

My soon to be ex husband and I will be officially divorced in May. It has been a two year process. We were married 21 years (I am 46, he is 49). We have two kids who are grown and on their own.

 

Future ex Husband decided to have an affair with his administrative assistant (I know, classic and boring story, but at least I used the politically correct term instead of secretary). I found out 3 years ago, we spent 1 year in useless marriage counseling and reconciliation until I decided I couldnt do it. The next 2 years we spent in divorce proceedings with him stalling every step of the way.

 

What I want to know is.... how do you trust again. We havent lived together for over 2 years but now that I am at the official 'end' of the marriage it feels like it just happened all over again. The pain and grief and humiliation and embarrassment and feeling of 'what do I do now'. I am a professional woman, people say I'm attractive, but at 46 how do you start over? I don't even know where to start and I don't know how to trust anyone again. How to trust after infidelity? When the 1 person who is supposed to honor you, didnt?

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I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I wonder the same thing myself.

 

In your case of exploring new relationships, I can only imagine you have to work on yourself for awhile and heal enough that you come to a point that you are willing to just remind yourself this is a new person and throw yourself in there. Except with a much greater knowledge of knowing the signs.

 

I think communication with the new partner if it becomes serious would be key in them knowing what happened to you previously and what a tremendous issue it is for you.

 

Other than that, there's no way you can ever know 100%... trust me, I know.

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I have been cheated on by three different women in my life. The last time was with a serial cheater. I know its hard to believe but you slowly will learn to trust someone again. It wont be 100% but its better than nothing. Just take your time. There are better people out there.

 

Another thing I learned is when you see red flags don't ignore them.

 

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

C

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You will no longer be able to blindly trust another person again.

 

But as you are now wiser and more experienced, you will trust yourself better.

 

You will be better at protecting yourself and better at spotting the red flags and warning signs better. Your Bull$h!+ Detector will work better and you will be able to weed out the azzclowns quicker and easier so the decent people will be able to rise to the top.

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Cheated on twice in two different marriages.

 

It hurts less each time. Next time I would just shrug and tell them to beat it.

 

You trust that everyone is a human being and capable of doing selfish or hurtful things.

 

If your about to enter the dating scene (on line or other) be prepared. Its the wild west out there, sex, lies and video :D

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ShatteredLady

I'm the same age as you. Together 26 years. Married 20 this year. Knowing everything that I now know I have no idea how I could spot a cheater!! I didn't believe that my H was capable of EVER doing the things he's done.

 

What I try to remind myself....

 

My Dad has always been considered a very attractive man. He met my Mum when they were both young student ages. He's now in his late 70's & he's NEVER cheated. Wouldn't even think of it. I remember it being a joke among his friends when this woman was falling all over him, really obvious, everyone except my Dad knew!!

 

My brother was married nearly 20 years. Never looked at another woman with intent.

 

I've got countless male cousins. Only 1 has ever cheated. He left his W within a month & is still married to his OW about 35 years later (longer I think) never cheated.

 

I know we never truly know what goes on behind closed doors but my family talk a LOT! I know all sorts of things, some incredibly embarrassing, I think I'd know.

 

There must be countless loyal, moral, principled men in the world. I think our age group is in our favor. Just take your time & really get to know any prospective partner.

 

I know! I know! A lifetime of marriage & we never saw it coming!!

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Thank you for the comments. If Im being honest I will say they are both helpful ... and depressing. People have been thru this 3 times? :sick: I think after that I would become a cat lady. I am sorry for what everyone has gone thru.

 

Shattered Lady, I wish I could say my marriage was great, although its true I never saw it coming. I had plenty of opportunity to do the same thing he did, and was tempted since he was asexual for the last 10 years of our marriage. Well, except for the secretary. Excuse me, the administrative assistant. She is 8 years older and weighs at least 50 pounds more than me, so go figure that one out. I'm still trying.

 

I live in LA, so obviously an active metro area. Dating should be an adventure here. I havent dipped my toes in the water on that yet, but I'm not far off.

 

trust is another thing entirely. I think the answer is that you trust at your own risk. Meaning you don't really trust I guess.

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After I told my family about this my older sister said that he tried to feel her up once while in a hot tub. Well, thanks for telling me that fifteen years ago.

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HereNorThere

My best advice is to rediscover yourself. Go out into the world and pursue your own interests, push the limits of your comfort zone and make new friends who have stories similar to your own. Do all the things you couldn't do when you were married. There's an adventure around every corner when you're single and willing put yourself out there.

 

As far as trusting, well, you'll cross that bridge when you get there. The truth is that when love happens to you again (and it will happen again if you let it) you won't have a choice in the matter.

 

When you feel comfortable single, you'll know you're ready to start dating again. Until then, live your life and don't worry so much about things like age and societal norms. The best nights of my life we had by going out alone and meeting other like minded people who wanted to have a good time.

 

In fact, I think I might go out alone tonight myself. I've got vacations scheduled with most of my closest friends, so tonight and I'll go out in the neighborhood and get in trouble with the "kids." :D

 

Good luck and enjoy yourself!

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stilltrying16

My BF cheated in my first serious relationship and I just about collapsed. We were very young- mid 20s. But after that, I decided I would never let myself feel needy or dependent in any relationship. I would make sure never to derive my sense of worth from other people. I would never need another person to complete me. So even if some future partner cheated on me (or let me down some other way), I might be shattered for a while but I knew it would be temporary. I knew I could move on & That there would always be things to move towards.

 

So in a way I build my trust in myself rather than thinking about how to trust others.

 

I never would be in a relationship where someone permanently propped me up or I permanently propped him up. I decided that was parasitic. People had to be complete in themselves.

 

That was the goal anyway and now looking back three decades later it did work out. I had a couple of hit and miss relationships, sure, but they ended amicably . I'm now in a happy relationship- but I've recently been thinking a lot about cheating again. Still trying to figure it out (hence my username)

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I can only apologize for what us way wards do and have done to good hearted , trusting people like yourselves .

 

I am so sorry and I hope you find your peace soon .

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ShatteredLady

Moxie. OMG!!! Another woman here who says this, "I had plenty of opportunity to do the same thing he did, and was tempted since he was asexual for the last 10 years of our marriage.".

 

I can't believe it!! Me & another lady here can say the same thing!! What the f is it??? Wouldn't you think these men with no libido would be the loyal ones??? Can I ask, was it a slushy, childish, 'romantic' affair? My H's was. It was like ready messages between 2 lame teenagers!! :sick:

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Betrayed&Stayed
trust is another thing entirely. I think the answer is that you trust at your own risk. Meaning you don't really trust I guess.

 

In time you will learn to trust again. You will trust in a new way that involves eyes wide open.

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"My last dog bit me really badly, I want a dog that wont do that"

 

"Get a golden retriever or a nice Labrador - great loving companions and highly unlikely to bite you. Mine never did and I had it for years....but ya know its still a dog. So you take some risk ...or just go without a fun furry companion"

 

Thats life.

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Moxie. OMG!!! Another woman here who says this, "I had plenty of opportunity to do the same thing he did, and was tempted since he was asexual for the last 10 years of our marriage.".

 

I can't believe it!! Me & another lady here can say the same thing!! What the f is it??? Wouldn't you think these men with no libido would be the loyal ones???

 

For starters, all women have opportunity 24/7. A woman who says she had opportunity to have sex with other men is like a woman that says she breathed today. That's why no one really cares when a woman says she had opportunity. It's really kind of a no-brainer.

 

 

But I do understand irony when a seemingly asexual person who doesn't seem interested in their spouse at all turns out to be the one that gets caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

 

 

It really is a part of the process and really is common theme. That's why many of us here say to start snooping and looking for evidence of a 3rd party right from the git-go whenever anyone posts that their spouse hasn't been interested in sex for years.

 

 

A truly asexual person that has no interest in sex at all is very rare. 9 times out of 10 if someone isn't interested in sex, it's not that they are actually asexual, it is that they aren't interested in sex with their partner.

 

 

The people themselves may even think that they are asexual and don't have "those kind" of feelings. But that all changes on a dime when some one else trips their trigger. Suddenly all those sexy and horny hormones come flooding back like a tidal wave, but its for the other person and not their spouse. That is when they start to rewrite history and tell themselves that they were never in love with their spouse and that they were meant to be with the other person.

 

 

Personally I don't see how any can come back from being denied and being rejected and getting the cold shoulder from their spouse for years and then find out that they are having hot, passionate, wild monkey sex with an AP. If that isn't a game-over moment, I don't know what is.

 

 

And if your WS's AP is fatter and less attractive and older and less successful etc etc etc, it is just final nails in the coffin that it wasn't meant to be and that it is just time to turn off the lights and shut the door behind you on the marriage and go out and have fun however you want and never look back.

 

 

I am always sorry whenever this happens to someone so I don't mean to sound callous, but this is a slam dunk. It is a walk-away moment and not worth an ounce of effort or a moment of attempted reconciliation or a single MC session. This is a time to cut your losses, only look forward towards your own future and don't look back.

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...But since the topic of this thread is trust, I will add this.

 

 

One of the things Chump Lady says in her blogs is, "trust that they suck."

 

 

I think that concept really applies here.

 

 

Like I said before, once someone has really been burned, they never blindly trust another person again. But they often learn to trust their own instincts and trust their own wisdom more.

 

 

I think in this instance you can trust that this wasn't meant to be and you can trust that you should make a clean break.

 

 

Much of the anxiety and inner turmoil that someone has when faced with the dissolution of a marriage is whether they are doing the right thing or not and trying to decide if they should cut losses or try harder.

 

 

If your H wasn't interested in giving you love'ns for years and then hooked up with someone older and 50 lbs heavier, you can trust that making a quick, clean break and then moving forward with your own life is clear better option.

 

 

That is something you can have complete trust in.

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Well becoming a cat lady is looking more and more like a good option.

 

Thank you all for the replies. I guess I dont agree that women have opportunities 24/7. I was referring more to the kind of opportunity where someone directly propositions you. Maybe that happens to every woman I dont know.

 

ONe of the things that does upset me is that I didn't just walk away the second I found out. Another several years of my life wasted. She is the one who told me. I honestly dont know if it was a slushy mushy romance or not, but I think she thought he would run to her. Instead he ran from her, to me. It is true that one of the biggest issues I have had is that he was so disinterested in sex whwen it was excellent for the first few years. So apparently he wasnt asexual, it was me that he didnt want (after a time), and he would rather be sexual with her. I will never get it, never. Thus a part of the reason its so hard to trust men right now.

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brothers343

Just like walking again....one step at a time. One day at a time. There's so many people out there asking the same questions you are. It won't be easy and it's really up to you to decide how long can you deal with the pain of the affair. Someone will find you or you will find that other person that can make your heart full again. But in the end,your the one that ultimately decides the outcome....good luck.

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ShatteredLady

I was oversimplifying the sex thing. If it's your 'big issue' at the moment do you want to talk more?

 

For me he's definitely not asexual. There are times that it's good, it's been very good at times. I think that sex is like a habit & the more you do it the more you do it & vice versa.

 

We've always gone through stages where my H sits up playing computer games. He's a geek & a smoker. To begin with he's simply really into a game. Then the headphones & the gaming mouse come out & I know I'm in trouble! He easily puts on weight it he doesn't exercise & the 'munchies' make things worse.

 

I'm not talking about 'a little dry spell'. Weeks become months, then he's very self conscious about his body (he is anyway) & months turn into years. I used to get a LOT more frustrated (I'm not surprised I have bad arthritis in my hands at 46! Sorry TMI) but as time goes on it becomes a habit...or maybe it's because I got sick & meds. I don't know! It became less important.

 

This time I know he never had sex with the OW. Not in real life but he desperately wanted to. I think it's easier to feel sexy about someone new...mostly because they fancy you NOW. You only really know that your wife fancied you when she said "I do!"

Edited by ShatteredLady
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It is true that one of the biggest issues I have had is that he was so disinterested in sex whwen it was excellent for the first few years. So apparently he wasnt asexual, it was me that he didnt want (after a time), and he would rather be sexual with her. I will never get it, never. Thus a part of the reason its so hard to trust men right now.

 

If you read the many posts here you will find women and men with similar experience and view points (different sides of the coin).

 

You are not alone.

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Thanks for the positive words, its good to know there is life after infidelity.

 

You will soon.

 

Did you catch the part when I am 46? As in, 40 years plus six more years?

 

I hope you are right tho. Im really tired of being alone on Saturday nights.

 

dichotomy (hope I spelled that right) , have any of those people figured out the answer to why a man would refuse to sleep with his wife and then instead sleep with his secretary (yes SECRETARY damn it!) who he said he didnt find attractive? That is funny because I would have absolutely believed him (that he wasnt sleeping with her) if he had not admitted it, because I simply could not beieve he would choose someone like that to have an affair with.

 

And I think it was the person with the old shirt who said or suggested that if he has been this way for years he has probably been having affairs for years. You know what, I dont even want to know. I dont.

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I was oversimplifying the sex thing. If it's your 'big issue' at the moment do you want to talk more?

 

For me he's definitely not asexual. There are times that it's good, it's been very good at times. I think that sex is like a habit & the more you do it the more you do it & vice versa.

 

We've always gone through stages where my H sits up playing computer games. He's a geek & a smoker. To begin with he's simply really into a game. Then the headphones & the gaming mouse come out & I know I'm in trouble! He easily puts on weight it he doesn't exercise & the 'munchies' make things worse.

 

I'm not talking about 'a little dry spell'. Weeks become months, then he's very self conscious about his body (he is anyway) & months turn into years. I used to get a LOT more frustrated (I'm not surprised I have bad arthritis in my hands at 46! Sorry TMI) but as time goes on it becomes a habit...or maybe it's because I got sick & meds. I don't know! It became less important.

 

This time I know he never had sex with the OW. Not in real life but he desperately wanted to. I think it's easier to feel sexy about someone new...mostly because they fancy you NOW. You only really know that your wife fancied you when she said "I do!"

 

Hi shattered lady, I tried to send you a PM but it seems I do not possess enough superpowers to do that.

 

Had to laugh at the arthritis in the hands bit. I can imagine you were frustrated. If that happens to me someone can come shoot me now.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through and obviously this has been going on for you for a long time. I know how much this must hurt you. But you seem so upbeat, I commend you.

 

Damn these men, its not even like they have complicated brains so it shouldnt be that hard to figure them out. Sometimes I think they just do whatever first pops into their head because its easier than thinking.

 

Oh and I loved the dog analogy that one poster gave earlier. I was thinking, yeah that dog analogy applies in more ways than one. lol

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ShatteredLady

Moxie. I don't think AT ALL that it means that he stopped finding YOU physically attractive. I honestly believe that many men can be just as low sex drive & physically self conscious as women are 'FAMOUS' for!!

 

We live in a world where we're taught that men are constantly thinking about sex & wanting it all the time. Even here if someone says they're living in a no/low sex marriage most people automatically assume it's because the wife is constantly rejecting the H. It's simply NOT TRUE.

 

It sounds like your H has a very low sex drive & his OW, or whoever, will be in the same situation as you in a year or two's time.

 

I had a very close friend who I worked with. We socialized as couples outside of work & talked about everything. She was the first person I was ever that close to who went through a divorce. I was there for every step of it.

 

She had a fantastic love story with her H. They were a great couple. They were more alive together than they ever were apart. One night we were at a company function. Late at night a group of us were hanging out in my room drinking. I could see this man flirting with her & I could see her face light-up the way it did with her H.

 

The rest is predictable. Separation too divorce. Relationship with OM lasted 5 minutes. She met another man, married him.

 

A year later we were talking & she very honestly confessed that she had made the biggest mistake of her life. She felt guilty & confused finding another man so attractive. She explained that by picking holes in her marriage. A big issue was she rarely wanted sex....yet she felt turned on by OM!! That HAD to mean something!!

 

No! She was low sex drive. In her words "I'm right back where I started...in a marriage where I'm feeling guilty because I don't want sex anymore. I lost my best friend, the love of my life, for NOTHING! I convinced myself that these new feelings meant something but all they meant was it was new & exciting! That's nothing compared to a lifetime of growing-up with my true love."

 

She's the most honest person I've ever known regarding relationships & divorce. I think her experiences were a lot more common than many will admit to.

 

Once someone starts having feelings for a new person often it's just what I call "Itchy knicker syndrome", nothing more, nothing less. It's all very confusing & elicits much guilt...I've seen so many people become down-right CRUEL to their partners to justify their fleeting feelings....& once they're together & 'have' the new person they ARE fleeting feelings.

 

I'm so sorry that your life, heart & brain has been completely destroyed because your H got an itch in his boxers! The future is yours now. I hope you meet someone deserving of you. Mostly I hope that you learn to love YOU & get some closure on this part of your life.

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ShatteredLady

Hi. I wrote my post before yours appeared. Yours made me laugh too!

 

I can't remember how many posts you have to make before you can send PMs. Read around the forums, it's very helpful! Use your experiences to offer support to others & you'll have full privileges pretty fast.

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