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Living in Misery, Confusion and Regret


HorriblePerson

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HorriblePerson

I have been married to my wife for six years, but we've been together for 13. We have no children. I always thought our relationship was good for the most part, but I am now dealing with some difficult truths. Our sex life is all but non-existent (sex once every several months) and while I have been aware of it, I have sort of accepted what it is. We are in early-mid thirties and I now know that this is not normal. We have a difficult time communicating and it seems nearly impossible to talk through our differences without a major argument taking place. Most times I feel like we are roommates more than lovers. I also realize that I no longer find her attractive, not simply physically, but also emotionally. I have discussed these issues with her but she seems content with things the way they are. Something has happened to me recently that causes me to think differently.

 

We have mutual friends that we hang out with several times a week. These mutual friends are a newlywed couple and we have known them for approximately three years. About six months ago, the wife became intoxicated while at a party and admitted to me that she found me attractive. She asked if the feeling was mutual and stupidly I said yes. I regret this to this day. It was the truth, but it has proven to be a start of a long painful journey. The next day, the wife texted me and apologized and said she was embarrassed (which I figured) and I told her to just pretend it never happened. I figured it was the "alcohol talking" and was prepared to simply let it slide.

 

We did not communicate outside of a group setting for nearly a month. When we did all do things together, we did in fact act like everything was as before. I was eaten up with confused emotions over this time and didn't really feel closure over it. Strangely, the wife must have felt the same way because she texted me asking if we could talk. I thought this would prove to end the strange situation we found ourselves in, but again, we only proceeded further down the path.

 

We talked to each other about it and agreed that it was a horrible situation to be in but that we both could not shake the thought of each other from our heads. It was all consuming and powerful...something I had not experienced before. We agreed to keep it between us because despite how we both felt like horrible people because of it, our spouses would be absolutely devastated and trust forever ruined over this. This was my wife's friend, and I was friends with her husband. We agreed that we had to find a way to take things back to where they were before.

 

Things stayed pretty normal for the next month or two. We'd see them over the weekend or after work a few days a week and everything was exactly as before. Sometimes I'd hang out with them at their house when my wife was at work (she works evenings) and things were doing fine. I wished nothing more than for her to forget about me and for me to forget about her, but the thought of not having her in my life altogether is crippling to me. She is a truly wonderful person and my life is more fulfilled with her in it. I really only want her to be happy, regardless of my role in her life.

 

Over the past three weeks now we have started to communicate more frequently, and we realize that has to stop. I thought that maybe trying to help her understand her husband's point of view on issues they are having would help her understand things better, and she has tried to help me understand things from my wife's POV. This has not helped. We recently met in a public place and agreed that we can no longer communicate with each other away from our spouses. Nothing physical has happened between us, and nothing will. I cannot bring myself to do that to my wife regardless of how unhappy I may be in our marriage. I feel like I have done enough already. She has agreed to the same and does not want to do that to her husband, but she does feel connected to me and I to her in a way I never experienced before. She has made me feel happier than I ever knew possible in the time that I've known her. I didn't know an emotional connection like this existed until I met her. I feel like something truly beautiful could have happened between us, but we simply met each other at the wrong time in each other's lives. This is the worst emotional torture I've ever had to endure.

 

We are both in agreement that under different circumstances, we should have ended up together, but we also agree that we don't want to be the ones responsible for ending each other's marriage. The two of us share very similar life goals and ambitions and have compatible personalities. Her husband wants children and she has said that she does not. My wife wants children now (she used to not) and I do not. My wife will forgo having children if it means keeping me, but I will feel horrible for denying her that and I feel she will surely resent me for it.

 

I already know I'm a terrible person for this. If I could go back I'd do so many things differently to keep this from happening just so I wouldn't have to suffer like I am now. I honestly have no idea how things got to where they are now. Something just happened and I feel like I had no control of my own emotions. I initially thought it was just a crush and that I'd get over it, but I've never felt this way about anyone in my life before. I'm usually a very logical thinking person and can just cut things off, but I seem incapable of shaking the thought of us together.

 

I have been trying to work things out with my wife during this time, thinking that this may have happened as a wake up call to fix my own marriage. My wife thus far has seemed unwilling to change and has started to say that she has always been the way she is and that I simply have forgotten the way she used to be. I know this is not the case, but she is convinced that all of her behavior is normal and that she's "always been this way". She has been diagnosed with depression but refuses to take medication for it. I feel completely helpless to do anything for her anymore. When she gets depressed or upset I'll ask why and she gets defensive over it and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I don't know whether this other woman has caused me to become more critical of my wife or if she's simply opened my eyes to how unhappy I am in my marriage. I hate to compare my wife to her, but it's hard not to. I feel like my wife and I are incompatible in a lot of ways and that we've simply been ignoring it to keep from facing harsh truths. I don't want to leave my wife, but if she's unwilling to help change things in our relationship I don't know if I want to stay either. I feel terrible just thinking that, but I don't want to end up living in a loveless marriage simply because it's the "right thing to do". Maybe we both deserve better than each other.

 

I am truly living in a hell of my own creation. I've never been so sad and confused in my life.

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As a former OM, let me tell you this : a marriage should be fixed, or terminated, but not half arsed, marred by boredom, cheating, and frustration.

 

Tell your wife that you want to live happily ever after, have lots of sex, and that you are asking her to accompany you on the road to marital bliss.

 

If she refuses, as much as you do not want to, then the marriage must end, because one day you'll end up cheating, and let me tell you it opens a whole can of worms that will follow you for the rest of your life, full of "what if", "i should have"...

 

Let people make their own decisions when facing all your true and deep emotions, do not go betraying them behind their back because you're afraid to loose what little there is left between you.

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OP:

 

You need to get off that soft little cushion you're sitting on, and man up enough to stop pretending and lying.

 

Thats what you need to do.

 

Just that.

 

 

As Alamo657 said:

 

"Fix it or terminate it."

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I did not read every word, but basically you have have stated an emotional affair. Not very long, and no sex yet.

 

 

If you are unhappy, with a sexless marriage,and no kids... AND ....you dont want kids, your wife does, she wont change ....why on earth do you want to stay married ? Not fair to you or your wife. No kids for her - no sex for you - your both going to be miserable. Whats the big loss in divorcing ?

 

My divorce from my first wife (who cheated) was very emotionally painful... but uncomplicated as there were no kids, no child support, no alimony, and I got to keep my home.

 

Only one caveat - if you decide to end you marriage don't expect your married affair (emotional) partner to suddenly divorce as well - or if she does - that you would both jump into your own happy marriage and all is well right away. Divorces are messy and its rare for affair partners to both jump horses and ride off into the sunset together (although it happens). Do it because its the right thing for you - and dont factor your other woman into it for now.

Edited by dichotomy
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To begin with, please stop with the " I'm a horrible person" pity party. You are not a horrible person, but you have made some poor choices.

 

If your wife is coping with depression, and it has been diagnosed by a doctor, that can have far reaching effects, but there is something far more troubling.

 

Put the problems related to sex aside for a moment, and look at the deep seated issues. I'm not saying that isn't important, but you could have a fantastic sex life and it won't solve any of your other troubles. It would only hide them.

 

For example, you say that you don't want children, but your wife does. You are right when you say that can eventually drive you apart. It also sounds like you don't see eye to eye in more than this one area.

 

You also sound very mixed up.

 

I would highly suggest that you sit your wife down and tell her exactly how you have been feeling and that you have found yourself attracted to your mutual friend. You haven't acted on it yet ( though you most certainly tested the waters...lunch with a friend for advice? come on, who are you kidding?:rolleyes::p) but you feel it's a sign of s significant problem and you want to work with her to find solutions. If you feel you are at the end of your rope, and only if you are 100% committed to acting on it, you can give an ultimatum that if she won't seek counseling with you, you are ready to walk away from the marriage.

 

Whatever you do, do not cheat, especially with a mutual friend. That would be a huge blow to your wife, as she would not only be betrayed by you, but by her friend as well.

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ALL OR NOTHING
I have been married to my wife for six years, but we've been together for 13. We have no children. I always thought our relationship was good for the most part, but I am now dealing with some difficult truths. Our sex life is all but non-existent (sex once every several months) and while I have been aware of it, I have sort of accepted what it is. We are in early-mid thirties and I now know that this is not normal. We have a difficult time communicating and it seems nearly impossible to talk through our differences without a major argument taking place. Most times I feel like we are roommates more than lovers. I also realize that I no longer find her attractive, not simply physically, but also emotionally. I have discussed these issues with her but she seems content with things the way they are. Something has happened to me recently that causes me to think differently.

 

We have mutual friends that we hang out with several times a week. These mutual friends are a newlywed couple and we have known them for approximately three years. About six months ago, the wife became intoxicated while at a party and admitted to me that she found me attractive. She asked if the feeling was mutual and stupidly I said yes. I regret this to this day. It was the truth, but it has proven to be a start of a long painful journey. The next day, the wife texted me and apologized and said she was embarrassed (which I figured) and I told her to just pretend it never happened. I figured it was the "alcohol talking" and was prepared to simply let it slide.

 

We did not communicate outside of a group setting for nearly a month. When we did all do things together, we did in fact act like everything was as before. I was eaten up with confused emotions over this time and didn't really feel closure over it. Strangely, the wife must have felt the same way because she texted me asking if we could talk. I thought this would prove to end the strange situation we found ourselves in, but again, we only proceeded further down the path.

 

We talked to each other about it and agreed that it was a horrible situation to be in but that we both could not shake the thought of each other from our heads. It was all consuming and powerful...something I had not experienced before. We agreed to keep it between us because despite how we both felt like horrible people because of it, our spouses would be absolutely devastated and trust forever ruined over this. This was my wife's friend, and I was friends with her husband. We agreed that we had to find a way to take things back to where they were before.

 

Things stayed pretty normal for the next month or two. We'd see them over the weekend or after work a few days a week and everything was exactly as before. Sometimes I'd hang out with them at their house when my wife was at work (she works evenings) and things were doing fine. I wished nothing more than for her to forget about me and for me to forget about her, but the thought of not having her in my life altogether is crippling to me. She is a truly wonderful person and my life is more fulfilled with her in it. I really only want her to be happy, regardless of my role in her life.

 

Over the past three weeks now we have started to communicate more frequently, and we realize that has to stop. I thought that maybe trying to help her understand her husband's point of view on issues they are having would help her understand things better, and she has tried to help me understand things from my wife's POV. This has not helped. We recently met in a public place and agreed that we can no longer communicate with each other away from our spouses. Nothing physical has happened between us, and nothing will. I cannot bring myself to do that to my wife regardless of how unhappy I may be in our marriage. I feel like I have done enough already. She has agreed to the same and does not want to do that to her husband, but she does feel connected to me and I to her in a way I never experienced before. She has made me feel happier than I ever knew possible in the time that I've known her. I didn't know an emotional connection like this existed until I met her. I feel like something truly beautiful could have happened between us, but we simply met each other at the wrong time in each other's lives. This is the worst emotional torture I've ever had to endure.

 

We are both in agreement that under different circumstances, we should have ended up together, but we also agree that we don't want to be the ones responsible for ending each other's marriage. The two of us share very similar life goals and ambitions and have compatible personalities. Her husband wants children and she has said that she does not. My wife wants children now (she used to not) and I do not. My wife will forgo having children if it means keeping me, but I will feel horrible for denying her that and I feel she will surely resent me for it.

 

I already know I'm a terrible person for this. If I could go back I'd do so many things differently to keep this from happening just so I wouldn't have to suffer like I am now. I honestly have no idea how things got to where they are now. Something just happened and I feel like I had no control of my own emotions. I initially thought it was just a crush and that I'd get over it, but I've never felt this way about anyone in my life before. I'm usually a very logical thinking person and can just cut things off, but I seem incapable of shaking the thought of us together.

 

I have been trying to work things out with my wife during this time, thinking that this may have happened as a wake up call to fix my own marriage. My wife thus far has seemed unwilling to change and has started to say that she has always been the way she is and that I simply have forgotten the way she used to be. I know this is not the case, but she is convinced that all of her behavior is normal and that she's "always been this way". She has been diagnosed with depression but refuses to take medication for it. I feel completely helpless to do anything for her anymore. When she gets depressed or upset I'll ask why and she gets defensive over it and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I don't know whether this other woman has caused me to become more critical of my wife or if she's simply opened my eyes to how unhappy I am in my marriage. I hate to compare my wife to her, but it's hard not to. I feel like my wife and I are incompatible in a lot of ways and that we've simply been ignoring it to keep from facing harsh truths. I don't want to leave my wife, but if she's unwilling to help change things in our relationship I don't know if I want to stay either. I feel terrible just thinking that, but I don't want to end up living in a loveless marriage simply because it's the "right thing to do". Maybe we both deserve better than each other.

 

I am truly living in a hell of my own creation. I've never been so sad and confused in my life.

 

 

This is one of the most important sentences Youl ever read..

 

"Whatever your thinking or doing at any single moment ,

your becoming better at it"

 

The brain is designed this way , so if you focus on this other women all day every day your marriage will fall apart.

 

If you focus on the lack of sex with your wife your marriage will fall apart.

 

The trick is to focus on what you do want , which most likely is your wife to turn into a sex addict! Rather than getting a fix of this other bird right?

 

Sit down with your wife , tell her straight that you love her but you have needs to , that life is way to short not to experience mind blowing sex every other night and what is the reason why she is not down with that sh@t.

 

Tell her you understand her weird feminine crap where one minute she hates you and the next she loves you , you get she's tired from work and tressed and has to deal with the worries of daily cloths choices and which celebrity gossip is real and all that , but the bottom line is all a man thinks about is food and sex even when he's not thinking about it he's thinking about it , tell her it's not your fault , tell her it's here for looking so dam fine all the time , proceed to tear of her cloths with your teeth followed by repeated beating on the chest and nail that ass! Show her your all 'man' and she will explode.

 

If this doesn't work sleep with the other lady.

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To begin with, please stop with the " I'm a horrible person" pity party. You are not a horrible person, but you have made some poor choices.

 

If your wife is coping with depression, and it has been diagnosed by a doctor, that can have far reaching effects, but there is something far more troubling.

 

Put the problems related to sex aside for a moment, and look at the deep seated issues. I'm not saying that isn't important, but you could have a fantastic sex life and it won't solve any of your other troubles. It would only hide them.

 

For example, you say that you don't want children, but your wife does. You are right when you say that can eventually drive you apart. It also sounds like you don't see eye to eye in more than this one area.

 

You also sound very mixed up.

 

I would highly suggest that you sit your wife down and tell her exactly how you have been feeling and that you have found yourself attracted to your mutual friend. You haven't acted on it yet ( though you most certainly tested the waters...lunch with a friend for advice? come on, who are you kidding?:rolleyes::p) but you feel it's a sign of s significant problem and you want to work with her to find solutions. If you feel you are at the end of your rope, and only if you are 100% committed to acting on it, you can give an ultimatum that if she won't seek counseling with you, you are ready to walk away from the marriage.

 

Whatever you do, do not cheat, especially with a mutual friend. That would be a huge blow to your wife, as she would not only be betrayed by you, but by her friend as well.

 

 

Please don't.....if your going to say you have feelings for someone else - which I don't recommend - make up some random woman you met at the gym or something. If your wife even gets a hint (like asking to see your emails and texts and call records) that its someone she knows - she is going to blow THAT marriage up. It sounds like there is enough in your own marriage to resolve.

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Okay... let's take a look at this step by step...

 

 

I have been married to my wife for six years, but we've been together for 13. We have no children. I always thought our relationship was good for the most part, but I am now dealing with some difficult truths. Our sex life is all but non-existent (sex once every several months) and while I have been aware of it, I have sort of accepted what it is. We are in early-mid thirties and I now know that this is not normal. We have a difficult time communicating and it seems nearly impossible to talk through our differences without a major argument taking place. Most times I feel like we are roommates more than lovers. I also realize that I no longer find her attractive, not simply physically, but also emotionally. I have discussed these issues with her but she seems content with things the way they are. Something has happened to me recently that causes me to think differently.

 

The lack of sex causes a lack of emotional bonding. When you're having good sex, your body is producing hormones and feel-good chemicals that say in essence.. "this is my mate". No sex... big problem keeping your emotional connection and partnership. If you're going to stay married, this must be addressed.

 

We have mutual friends that we hang out with several times a week. These mutual friends are a newlywed couple and we have known them for approximately three years. About six months ago, the wife became intoxicated while at a party and admitted to me that she found me attractive. She asked if the feeling was mutual and stupidly I said yes. I regret this to this day. It was the truth, but it has proven to be a start of a long painful journey. The next day, the wife texted me and apologized and said she was embarrassed (which I figured) and I told her to just pretend it never happened. I figured it was the "alcohol talking" and was prepared to simply let it slide.

 

You would be wise to take a step back and really LOOK at this woman's inappropriate behavior. She's newly wed and drunkenly flirting with another woman's husband. If that was YOUR wife, would you find that behavior acceptable, because most husbands wouldn't.

 

We did not communicate outside of a group setting for nearly a month. When we did all do things together, we did in fact act like everything was as before. I was eaten up with confused emotions over this time and didn't really feel closure over it. Strangely, the wife must have felt the same way because she texted me asking if we could talk. I thought this would prove to end the strange situation we found ourselves in, but again, we only proceeded further down the path.

 

Here you are, disconnected emotionally in the marriage and vulnerable to flattery and attention. Bad time to be putting yourself in this position.

 

We talked to each other about it and agreed that it was a horrible situation to be in but that we both could not shake the thought of each other from our heads. It was all consuming and powerful...something I had not experienced before. We agreed to keep it between us because despite how we both felt like horrible people because of it, our spouses would be absolutely devastated and trust forever ruined over this. This was my wife's friend, and I was friends with her husband. We agreed that we had to find a way to take things back to where they were before.

 

And now it's time to tell the truth. That woman is NOT your wife's "friend", and frankly you're not her husband's friend. You wouldn't be going behind their backs if you had their best interests at heart. So, the idea that these "friendships" are worth preserving has no merit.

 

Part of your problem is that you're trying to keep this friend dynamic in play, but that ship has sailed. The friendship was over the minute the two of you crossed the boundary.

 

Things stayed pretty normal for the next month or two. We'd see them over the weekend or after work a few days a week and everything was exactly as before. Sometimes I'd hang out with them at their house when my wife was at work (she works evenings) and things were doing fine. I wished nothing more than for her to forget about me and for me to forget about her, but the thought of not having her in my life altogether is crippling to me. She is a truly wonderful person and my life is more fulfilled with her in it. I really only want her to be happy, regardless of my role in her life.

 

Again, imagine that your wife behaved that way. Hell, imagine that you're married to this paragon and it's some other dude she's flirting with behind YOUR back. What do you see now?

 

Over the past three weeks now we have started to communicate more frequently, and we realize that has to stop. I thought that maybe trying to help her understand her husband's point of view on issues they are having would help her understand things better, and she has tried to help me understand things from my wife's POV. This has not helped. We recently met in a public place and agreed that we can no longer communicate with each other away from our spouses. Nothing physical has happened between us, and nothing will. I cannot bring myself to do that to my wife regardless of how unhappy I may be in our marriage. I feel like I have done enough already. She has agreed to the same and does not want to do that to her husband, but she does feel connected to me and I to her in a way I never experienced before. She has made me feel happier than I ever knew possible in the time that I've known her. I didn't know an emotional connection like this existed until I met her. I feel like something truly beautiful could have happened between us, but we simply met each other at the wrong time in each other's lives. This is the worst emotional torture I've ever had to endure.

 

There's a bit of a chemical reaction in affairs, even those affairs that are strictly emotional, kind of a natural high. It works kind of like cocaine actually. It's not the substance that gets you high, it's the way it affects the body's natural chemistry. You're getting an addictive buzz from the continued contact. Stop the contact.

 

We are both in agreement that under different circumstances, we should have ended up together, but we also agree that we don't want to be the ones responsible for ending each other's marriage. The two of us share very similar life goals and ambitions and have compatible personalities. Her husband wants children and she has said that she does not. My wife wants children now (she used to not) and I do not. My wife will forgo having children if it means keeping me, but I will feel horrible for denying her that and I feel she will surely resent me for it.

 

The having kids thing is a source of anxiety, and could be a deal-breaker in the marriage, who knows? Certainly, it's contributing to your indecisiveness about continuing in the marriage though and creating even MORE vulnerability as you make negative comparisons where your wife comes out the loser. You can't make a decision about the marriage without resolving this issue. And it's a SEPARATE issue.

 

I already know I'm a terrible person for this. If I could go back I'd do so many things differently to keep this from happening just so I wouldn't have to suffer like I am now. I honestly have no idea how things got to where they are now. Something just happened and I feel like I had no control of my own emotions. I initially thought it was just a crush and that I'd get over it, but I've never felt this way about anyone in my life before. I'm usually a very logical thinking person and can just cut things off, but I seem incapable of shaking the thought of us together.

 

Cold turkey. Break up with your "friends". It'll give you an opportunity to sort out your real feelings without the influence of that "feel-good" chemical buzz.

 

I have been trying to work things out with my wife during this time, thinking that this may have happened as a wake up call to fix my own marriage. My wife thus far has seemed unwilling to change and has started to say that she has always been the way she is and that I simply have forgotten the way she used to be. I know this is not the case, but she is convinced that all of her behavior is normal and that she's "always been this way". She has been diagnosed with depression but refuses to take medication for it. I feel completely helpless to do anything for her anymore. When she gets depressed or upset I'll ask why and she gets defensive over it and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Your wife doesn't know what the stakes are though, does she? She doesn't know what's going on between you and this OW. Perhaps if you sat her down and told her just how bad things really are, she'd get up off her ass and address the issues. And if she didn't... at least you'd know where you stand and whether there's a possibility of truly repairing the marriage.

 

I don't know whether this other woman has caused me to become more critical of my wife or if she's simply opened my eyes to how unhappy I am in my marriage. I hate to compare my wife to her, but it's hard not to. I feel like my wife and I are incompatible in a lot of ways and that we've simply been ignoring it to keep from facing harsh truths. I don't want to leave my wife, but if she's unwilling to help change things in our relationship I don't know if I want to stay either. I feel terrible just thinking that, but I don't want to end up living in a loveless marriage simply because it's the "right thing to do". Maybe we both deserve better than each other.

 

You're making what John Gottman refers to a "negative comps". Try a copy of What Makes Love Last?:How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. What you'll notice is that it's most like because you're unhappy in your marriage that you're making these negative comps or noticing other women at all.

 

I am truly living in a hell of my own creation. I've never been so sad and confused in my life.

 

You didn't create that hell by yourself. Two women are making it right along with you. Dump the OW and her husband. Come clean with your wife on just how bad the problems are. If she's willing to help you resolve the problems, great... happily ever after. If not, dump her too. Nothing gets a woman's true attention, like tail-lights headed down the driveway. The wife's going to need to know that status quo isn't going to cut it.

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HereNorThere

This isn't nearly as hard as you're making it out to be. It's the same story every other person here has.

 

Here's the truth that you have yet to admit to yourself. - Letting go of the pain means letting go of the extramarital relationship and that's something you are unwilling to do at this point and time.

 

So you have a choice - keep driving yourself crazy with this obsession by keeping in contact with this woman or let it go and start healing yourself. It's not really that hard, but these crazy making brain chemicals have reduced your mental capacity to the point where you are no longer rational or mature.

 

As for your marriage, it's completely irrelevant as to whether or not you continue this poor behavior. If you want to divorce, divorce, but you can't make an objective decision about it while you have this artificial, obsessive longing for a fictional relationship with a person you know nothing about and therefore allowed yourself to paint as the perfect woman with cinnamon roll smelling farts and never ending sex drive.

 

I'll be completely honest with you - You seem too far gone to come back from this. Without some major intensive therapy and introspection, your life will be reduced to nothing but a pile of rubble. By this time next year I bet there will be NOTHING left.

 

Get yourself to a individual therapist and marriage therapist. Go no contact with your affair partner. Quit humiliating your wife by aiding her enemy. You're a man, so act like it and show some loyalty. And never, ever, ever have children if you can turn your back on your loved ones this easy.

Edited by HereNorThere
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It's really impossible to make a rational decision about your marriage while in a hormone-induced haze. That's why people have proper boundaries. But that's besides the point now.

 

Deal honorably and kindly with your marriage. Maybe it's time to end it; no one can answer that except you.

 

Personally, I believe in honesty. I think you should tell your wife about the relationship with the other woman. Either it will lead to change and renewed commitment to your marriage, or it will end with your marriage blowing up and you and the other woman having a chance to test your superior and eternal love out in the open. Seems like a win/win to me, except that you have to have the courage to own up to what you've been doing.

 

Your wife is suffering from depression. Please be kind to her. You promised to love her in sickness and for worse. If the marriage isn't going to work out, then that's fine, but please act from a place of compassion and with the perspective that she is suffering from an actual disease.

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I know you said you have tried to talk to your wife about this but I doubt she understands the seriousness of the situation. You sound a lot like my husband. Our sex life was non-existent. It didn't bother me. It really bothered him. He thought because we weren't having sex I no longer loved him. We went to MC. We discussed why I didn't want to have sex. Turns out there were some easy things he could do for me and in return it made me want to "do things for him". :)

 

Before we went to marriage counseling my Husband turned to a "friend" for comfort just like you are doing. One conversation lead to another and the next thing you know they were having a physical affair. He then spent a great deal of time comparing me to her. (Which is unfair because even if you are only having an emotional affair you are giving to someone else and taking from your wife). Once he realized what was happening and we started working on our issues he saw that the comparison was never fair.

 

You may decided to end your marriage. I will not judge you for that. However, after 13 years I think you owe it to the person you once loved to be honest. Tell her you are unhappy. Tell her you have crossed emotional boundaries. Decide if you want to stay or go. Then give her the choice to make the same decision. If you BOTH decide to stay end your relationship with this OW and find a MC you BOTH like which means you may have to try a few.

 

Best of luck to you.

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TrustedthenBusted

Get out before you have kids. Your sex life probably isn't going to improve, and eventually, you're going to cheat. Or she will.

 

Seen this 10,000 times. No kids?...I'd be out.

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Jersey born raised

Usually a betrayed Spouse is urged to use the 180 method to detach from the situation and clear their head. It is designed to help the BS heal the wounds of adultery and prepare for a new life post divorce. Sometimes it does cause the WS to wake up and attempt to reconcile. The best article I've read on the 180 is on this forum. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Use it on your friend.

 

Perhaps "not just friends" and "his needs-her needs" will help.

 

If you know she now has a need to have a child and build a life around a family which children, why are you still with her? The lack of sex, I will give you a thousand to one odds, is 95% of the reason.

 

I did know a divorced woman in your wife's shoes. Long term marriage, husband was adamant no kids, she agreed in general/what along. She had two abortions (because of her negative feelings about the first, the second one really devastated her). Her husband meet a new woman and left. The husband now has two kids and can't stop talking about how great it is. She has lived in agony for years.

 

My question is who are you? The guy who says I cannot give you what you need and works or the guy I just described? Don't say you never would be him. You don't know that. Tony Randel the actor who played felix on the original TV series the old couple was 66 when he had his first and only child. He died in his eighties amazed at how wonderful being a father was. You wife does not have his time frame.

 

If you do decide to divorce do not ever look back or respond to an attempt to contact to you from her. An ex is an ex for a reason, do not do what you are currently doing to your EA's husband.

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I usually don't predict the future. But I'll make a,sort of exception here. No sex =bad. Disagreement over having children = bad. Both bads are equally bad for each of you. You don't feel bad because she's not getting the family she wants. She doesn't feel bad because you aren't getting the sex you want. But you do share the feeling of "bad" at the same time in the same marriage.

 

OW, btw, is essentially a distraction in this standoff. Her part could be played by a coworker, old gf, or even someone you meet tomorrow. If things were great on the home front, she'd simply be someone you hang out with with her husband. She isn't the issue.

 

 

Back to prediction. Unless the two of you enter into some intensive counseling,

you will continue to drift apart until one of you says Enough! and starts divorce proceedings. Not a simple solution and your wife holds the trump card of being able to fake it until she has the baby only to revert to status quo ante once she's a mom. And as bonus she gets to play the "too tired" card with credibility. Game, set, match.

 

Regardless of how you think you feel about OW (I admit it is exciting to play the game) you need to focus on whether you want to remain married or not. You

owe that much to yourself and to your wife. Otherwise you will remain in misery. An A wont solve the problem. Trust me, I know.

 

Sorry for the lecture but I sensed a thread drift of sorts away from what I think is the real issue here.

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ShatteredLady

13 years, most good isn't something to be thrown away lightly. Can I ask when she started to get depressed & diagnosed? It's known that depression & meds can kill libidos (she should talk to her specialist. Not GP) When did your sex life get bad? Is there a correlation between all of it & the baby?

 

How often do you try to initiate & how often does she refuse you?

 

Are the communication issues & arguments over having children? Is most of it over kids?

 

You said,

"I feel like we are roommates more than lovers. I also realize that I no longer find her attractive, not simply physically, but also emotionally. I have discussed these issues with her but she seems content with things the way they are."

 

....do you mean that you've told her that you no longer find her physically or emotionally attractive?

 

Did this happen before or after you realized that you could be right in there with the OW?

 

I can't comment or gave any advise without knowing what the timeline is. As I said, 13 years of enjoyable marriage doesn't suddenly change (fighting, no sex, not kind of attraction) unless it's influenced to change (Bodies Rest & Motion).

 

Has this been creeping up unnoticed for years or could your feelings be being influenced by other forces?

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HorriblePerson
13 years, most good isn't something to be thrown away lightly. Can I ask when she started to get depressed & diagnosed? It's known that depression & meds can kill libidos (she should talk to her specialist. Not GP) When did your sex life get bad? Is there a correlation between all of it & the baby?

 

Depression probably started around three years ago. She was convinced that she had depression of some sort, self diagnosed it for weeks online before going to the doctor about it. That, I thought, was a smart idea; no use getting instantly prescribed meds from the GP if you don't need them. GP referred her to a counselor who diagnosed her with depression and ADHD. They prescribed meds to help and she just flat refused to take them. I asked what the point was of finding out what was wrong if she wasn't going to do anything about it and she just kept saying "I don't like the side effects". I told her to see about getting on a lower dosage or something different and she just won't do it. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with her, and if there is, it's always because of some other outside reason. I don't know if it's denial or stubbornness.

 

How often do you try to initiate & how often does she refuse you?

 

I used to initiate all the time. Before we were married we couldn't get enough of each other. Since marriage, we probably have sex 5-6 times a year at most. Her personality is almost nothing like it was when we got married. She's still the same person at the core, but almost all of the traits I used to find attractive about her are subdued or missing altogether. I don't initiate sex almost at all now because I find her recently acquired attitude and personality to be wildly unattractive. It's hard to get in the mood when your wife's mental state is so unpredictable and fragile.

 

Are the communication issues & arguments over having children? Is most of it over kids?[/Quote]

 

Arguments have not really begun over kids yet. I have just noticed that she's been mentioning it now where she hadn't ever before. I told her while we were talking the other night that I wouldn't even consider having children with her with the state of our relationship. She seemed to understand that, but I have no idea if that will be incentive to improve things or to simply get me to leave her alone.

 

You said,

"I feel like we are roommates more than lovers. I also realize that I no longer find her attractive, not simply physically, but also emotionally. I have discussed these issues with her but she seems content with things the way they are."

 

....do you mean that you've told her that you no longer find her physically or emotionally attractive?

 

I've told her that I don't find her emotionally attractive, yes. She seems to think that all of my attraction is and should be based off of physical appearance, but I've told her for years that I am more attracted to her personality and the way she carries herself then how she looks. She is a shell of the woman that I married five years ago. Her positivity and confidence were hugely attractive to me. She is now almost exclusively negative and extremely needy now. I understand that this is likely due to depression, but if she is unwilling to do anything about it, what more can I do? I'm running out of options and ideas myself, and it's taking a toll on myself trying to pull double duty for myself and her all the time.

 

Did this happen before or after you realized that you could be right in there with the OW?

 

I've had doubts for a year or two before now. I noticed things taking a turn for the worst around that time. I initially just attributed it to a rough patch but it's not a patch. I'd try and talk with her about how things were and she'd get extremely defensive and agitated and tell me that she just needed time to figure it out on her own. I gave her time and I'm convinced that she can't figure this out on her own. I don't think she has any idea how to make herself happy. If she doesn't know, then I can't possibly know either. I think the OW simply brought everything to the forefront because while I had settled in thinking that this was simply how life was, she made me realize what I'd been missing from life. I had no idea two people could connect in such a way before. It started to cast a shadow of doubt over my own marriage, and to see how the OW was strong in all the ways my wife wasn't has really mixed things up in my head. This OW is essentially how my wife used to be when we met except we share even more in common.

 

I can't comment or gave any advise without knowing what the timeline is. As I said, 13 years of enjoyable marriage doesn't suddenly change (fighting, no sex, not kind of attraction) unless it's influenced to change (Bodies Rest & Motion).

 

Has this been creeping up unnoticed for years or could your feelings be being influenced by other forces?

 

I honestly don't know how this happened. I can see from some of the other comments on here that they think I'm fishing for sympathy or trying to justify this in some way, but I'm legitimately living in hell right now. I had no idea this would happen to me. I thought I had powerful sense of willpower and strength, but this has proven otherwise to myself. I'm not blaming my wife for this. Ultimately, I've made a series of very poor decisions, and I continue to do so at an alarming frequency. My life has spiraled out of control so fast I can hardly believe it.

 

I don't know what I expected to gain by posting here. I balked at the idea initially, but mostly wanted to get this off my chest. This is for purely selfish reasons and I am not in denial that I am being selfish. If nothing else, let this serve as a cautionary tale to others that they should be strong in their convictions and really question how strong they believe they are. I have not done anything I can't come back from, but I am amazed by my own lack of willpower.

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ShatteredLady

Did she stop/change work or anything since marriage? I'm assuming that you lived together before the wedding day? Has she always shown signs of depression?

 

 

The first thing you need to do is completely dump this OW. Stop all communication. I'd give this advice to anyone but this OW REALLY? It takes a certain kind of person to be out 'flirty fishing' this soon after marriage AND with a friend who's suffering from depressions husband??!?! REALLY!

 

You won't be able to think clearly until there are only 2 people in your marriage.

 

I know what it's like living with someone with depression. I've been doing it for 26 years & it frequently sucks. My H's depression is a disease. There is also 'situational depression'. It's important to find out which your wife is dealing with.

 

If it's situational because she's drifted away from the love of her life since marriage, he doesn't want sex anymore & she's desperately insecure because she's put on weight since starving herself for the wedding....then you're both in a very similar boat & should be pulling together!

 

I find it very sad that you're repulsed because she's weak & fragile. She's been vibrant, powerful & alive for (10?) years of your relationship. The girl you love is still inside there. On your wedding day did you see yourself as a man who would go chasing tail if she became sick? You've BOTH changed!!

 

You're correct about medications. I'm a chronic pain patient who supported patients for years. My first advise is always....Most 'powerful' meds have side effects. Most side effects (NOT the dangerous ones! Sleepiness, nausea, foggy etc) go away after a number of weeks. 6 is a good guess for antidepressants. Ask your doc. There are alternatives for most meds on the market today if you can't handle side effects. It's often 'hit & miss' with things like pain & depression.

 

I think a lot of people just go with the flow of life until something/someone bumps into them. Very few people I've ever known have truly 'tried everything' before giving-up on marriage. As soon as there's another person in the mix you can't fully trust your judgement anymore.

 

Cheating on someone who's depressed, weak & very fragile can end very badly. Being betrayed by your love is the worst kind of pain imaginable. You can't do therapy or work on your M while you're obsessing on OW. That's pointless.

 

As I said, after 13 years, doesn't she deserve a good try at medications & IC & MC? You will probably need to be very forceful to get her to now. Depression has a way of convincing people it's pointless to fight it. That's not true.

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ShatteredLady

Read around this forum. Look at the OW/OM section. EVERYONE in an affair says the same things as you. Funny how only married people feel these earth shattering connections with others! Truly!! It's a 'thing' about affairs. That's NOT going to last.

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