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Is she cheating on me??


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Hello!

 

A short intro, I'm French and I am dating an English women. So my english is not perfect but I think I am good enough to exchange opinions on an English website. I think you'll find my little story funny and I hope that I will too as soon as possible...

 

Well, a few days ago, my girlfriend gave me her mobile to set the camera, a text message discussion was opened and I know that is bad but I couldn't stop myself reading it. I ve red many "lots of love" wich I know is pretty usual...fine, but I found that this guy may love her more than a friend would...

 

Until that point it's his rights, if there is nothing between them, I can accept that. I am supposing that because I red some "love you as much as ever" many "Darling" etc. I must precise that she comes from a "good" family, she speaks with a tiny "posh" accent wich is charming for me and I know that she call darling almost everyone close to her. In France we don't call "darling" easily, maybe an old person to a child or only when we have a love relationship...but ok! here is a difference wich is lovely, maybe we should do the same!

 

The funny part is here: I red from him to her "love you heaps" and I memorized "love youR hips" (I knew what hips means but I didn't know how to write it properly so I made a confusion...!) Can you imagine how I received that?!

 

So I kept that a little moment for myself but it was so hurting that I decided to talk about that even if for that, I had to admit that I sneaked into her phone.

 

She swears that there is nothing between them, he is almost 20 years older than her and he was a close friend of her mother and she knows him for 20 years etc,

 

The good point is that she told me that if he had written to her "love your hips" she would have memorized, I now know that she told me the truth but I told her that I was upset by this relation she has with this guy because they seems to be too close for me. Then, she was offended that I could think she could have an affair (it seemed real...)

 

Last thing, I hasn't read any "love you" or things like that from her to him but maybe to much "x" at the end of the text messages, maybe 4 on each of them.

 

So what do you think? don't hesitate if you want me to develop something or if something is not clear because I could have badly written sentences due to my level in english.

 

Thank you!!!

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Yes it sounds like she is cheating. Its a emotional affair to say the least. Just ask her for her phone and see how she reacts. If she gets defensive then you know she has more to hide. If she stays calm just tell her you don't feel comfortable with her being friends with him. If she says your trying to control her let her know she can do what she wants. She can be friends with who ever she wants. She just needs to realize her choices will determine your choices.

 

I have found I have a zero tolerance for cheating so I am prone to just walk away.

 

Hopefully she is not cheating and she just needs to seriously tone down this friendship.

 

C

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I would not feel better simply because she tells you he is 20 years older. First, how do you know she is telling you the truth. Second, it is not unheard of for women to pursue older men. Money? What we sometimes referral as daddy issues?

 

XXXX means kisses. XOXOXO is hugs and kisses or love and kisses.

 

Since you are French, I hope you didn't learn your detective skills from Inspector Cleuseau of film fame. Hercule Poriot would be a better role model I think.:)

 

Believe nothing you hear from her and only 50% of what you see.

 

This may be innocent fun for her, but you will have to dig for the truth.

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rainbowsandkittens

Having just been involved with someone French, I can tell you that there is a big difference in the way people text and what they mean by nationality. While I'm not English, I do know that I had to learn all the different varieties of 'Bises' (Bisoux, gros bises, etc.) and that there were definitely times when one or the other of us had to explain what we meant. I truly don't think she's lying or cheating. My British friends do use the terms 'darling' or 'lovely' (I have 2 Brits in my office right now and they said people use 'darling' in familial relationships. Esp used in more with posh people.) You read the text of "I love you heaps" wrong (and I could TOTALLY see that as something my friend might have gotten wrong too!) and if it's really the basis of what you're thinking might be going on- I think you're off about their relationship.

 

But for your peace of mind- is this guy on fb or something that you can check him out?

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Jersey born raised

If a daughter of the south (southern united states) says bless your heart darling. RUN ! Bloodshed is about to occur, if she says it to you RUN AND DON'T STOP !

 

What info that she shared with you can you confirm? Is he an old family friendm, is he really 20 years older.

 

You are dating, have you discussed exactly what boundaries each other expect at this point?

 

She could very well be telling you the truth. Hence the need to clarify what this relationship means right now and where it is going. My generation it was trading apartment keys that was a big moment. Current generation it seems to sharing passwords.

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ShatteredLady

Hi. I'm English. There's nothing you've written there that I wouldn't write to an uncle, aunt, close family friend.

 

"Hey darling. How's life been treating you? I haven't heard from you lately & I miss your lovely voice. Love you tons. As always, yours truly Jane"

 

I could write that to an old girl friend. Just the way we speak. You're correct on the 'bit posh' thing. We call people by food names (Dumpling, pudding etc), I call friends lovely lady, gentleman, sweet heart, my darling etc. It's innocent.

 

"Miss your hips" would be something else!!!

 

"Love you. Xxxxxxx" is normal friend stuff too.

Edited by ShatteredLady
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ShatteredLady

It's funny. A close friend had spine surgery so we spent a lot of time laying on her bed chatting, watching tv etc. it was really nice. If you read one of my messages to her & you thought it was a man you'd be convinced we were having an affair...

 

"Hi babe. I will fly out to see you again soon darling. I so miss laying in bed snug with you my love. Stay strong. Tons of love my lovely lady. Xxxxxxxx."

 

I even do :love::love:

 

I don't know what's going on in your life I'm just giving you a 'posh' English example. I truly hope this is just something lost in translation. A lot of English people don't move around a lot. Family friends of parents can become like family. My kids have MANY uncles & aunts that aren't blood relatives. They're just like family....& we can be very emotional with family. I've got 'relatives' I'm not sure if I'm even related to!

 

It's funny. In my experience, the English are very, very different than the stereotype, the perception we have around the world. I find other cultures less cuddly & emotional with friends & family. I frequently snuggled on the sofa with friends under a soft blanket...the first time I automatically stretched a blanket across me & an American friend she looked horrified!!!

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Given the fact that she initially handed you her phone, while she is full aware of the messages that are stored in it, without her deleting anything, I don't think that any of what you've mentioned here is a red flag or something.

 

With that being said, no one can give you any guarantee that she isn't cheating, or will cheat in the future. The "How could you suspect me?" stuff is nothing. Cheaters always say that.

 

You should keep this in mind and never take her for granted, never think that she is yours, never put your guards down, never!

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Honourably honest

Have you physical grounds to suspect her? In the UK we do use that sort of language. The hips comment could set the alarm, but at her age why would she blatantly carry on a double life? She's face to faced you, did you see her blink?

Seriously, it's your call, but surely you'd know if she wasn't being true to you. Start surprising her at different random times, get access to her phone when she's in the shower, inspect her clothing prior to laundry the list goes on. You have to address this though, as a small cyst can grow rapidly, even though it's innocent and easily treatable at the start.

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Have you physical grounds to suspect her? In the UK we do use that sort of language. The hips comment could set the alarm,

 

The way I read it, his brain memorized it as 'hips', when it was heaps.

 

Love y'all heaps, bless your little hearts, sweet peas. :)

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Jersey born raised

You read hips (short for child bearing hips) and not heaps which means piled up high.

 

Looking back I wish there had been a form of courting between going steady and engagement. I would have told my girl I want to court her to possibly becomeing engaged in the future. It would mean dating and seeing a MC over the course of several months. The MC would grill us with what if this happened none stop. Especially about healthy boundaries and hidden

assumptions.

 

Your thoughts

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Honourably honest
The way I read it, his brain memorized it as 'hips', when it was heaps.

 

Love y'all heaps, bless your little hearts, sweet peas. :)

Absolutely! And that is a word we use loads, heaps of times! I do believe we have a lead here, to the settling of this potential problem. Nice one!

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ShatteredLady

HH. Bravo darling!

 

OP. PLEASE be careful. If you start spying on her & (oh my goodness) checking her underwear!!! I would dump you so fast. Just the thought of someone going through my dirty knickers!! Really??? I don't think ANY woman of ANY culture would find that acceptable!

 

Hopefully you guys can look back & laugh at this in the future. "Hips" "Heaps" it is funny!

 

I'd be far more 'poetic' to a lover. Not "love you heaps". Be worried by sexual or body words "breasts, thighs etc" NOT "I love you darling". I write that to family.

Edited by ShatteredLady
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Honourably honest

SL, I'm pretty sure any bloke that did the laundry thing would feel deviant and 'wrong', but in absolute desperation it's always an option!

I'd expect any suitor of yours would have no reason in your case, but a cross language relationship with 'sounds like....' words could bring out the desperate actions.

I have a feeling, almost through accident, this OP has got the result that was never in doubt after all. Winner!

How come you are USA/ UK?

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Hi

 

Another British person here. Love you heaps isn't what you'd necessarily say to a lover. I often called friends 'darling' 'babe' 'hun' 'love' or 'lovey'... in text messages.

 

Some of my friends will say 'sweets' or 'sweetie' to me in a text.

 

It also depends on which part of the UK she's from..... as different terms are used regionally. Although I wouldn't put those terms in a text message to a male friend (don't really have many), I would say to them 'Hi love'. Or 'Hi my dear'

 

Nothing screams out cheating to me.

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Thanks to everyone!

 

My purpose on this post was to be sure that it is usual in England to use these expressions towards someone who may not be a lover. I think I have enough elements to see that could be innocent.

 

But I have more perturbating elements, by one hand she seems to be not anxious about leaving her phone somewhere and it has no password, so I can use it easily. And it's obvious that if she was texting a lover she would have been more careful before giving me her phone. It was about a conversation about 160 text messages in years, I haven't read all of them because when I thought I have read "love your hips" I thought that I have enough proof of her infidelity. I understand English almost perfectly (of course I still have to learn some expressions like "love you heaps" wich I didn't know...) even if I have some progress to make in spoken and written English, so appart these "affectives expression" I didn't see any suspect conversations, maybe one or two asking for a lunch in town when she was in England without me...

 

However, just after I decided to talk to her, of course we argued and she was furious. It was maybe around 10:30 pm, when I talked to her about the fact that I saw he "loves her heaps" (in my head it was love her hips) she swears that he never said that and by anger she told me "fine!! you can read any of my text messages", because it was a delicate moment , I didn't say yes. But isn't it easy for an English to make the link between "love your hips" and "love you heaps" ? I think she could have told me easily that I made a confusion?

 

Then, we had a long argument, she was exhausted by that and I finally asked to read the conversation, (understand me, she hasn't clarified that it was heaps not hips) and she went to bed by anger...Next day we Ignored each other but on the evening we talked again about that. I am not stupid at all, she neither, but when feelings are involved, I am a very sensitive person so my judgement is not the same as usual...So of course I found suspect the fact that she went to bed when I asked to read the messages, I can understand that it's upseting for her if there is nothing between them, but if there was nothing to hide, maybe it was a way to clarify the situation...?

 

The problem is that when we talked about that the next day, we were "calm" and when I said to her that it was perturbating that she went to bed at this point, she told me that she was really furious of this waste of time, and by anger she deletes all her text messages...That is a lot upsetting. The fact is that I just saw one call between them in her history maybe in 2 or 3 months and I don't think she knows how to modify the call history.

 

And yes I never saw him but I know that she told me the truth about his age and who he is...

 

So I really want to trust there is nothing between them but I am still not comfortable with all the elements

 

Thanks again to everyone, answers comes faster in an English forum

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Jersey born raised

Hi,

 

You need to explore the concept of healthy boundaries. Tell her you want to build a better relationship in which these questions occur. Ask that you both go to a therapist. If she will not, then you go.

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Well we are together for 5 years now, and it's the first time that we have this kind of problem...(I wondered if it's correct to say "i am dating" in this case, or I'd rather say I am in relationship or does that means the same thing?)

 

So if this problem is based upon nothing concrete, maybe it doesn't worth to go to see a therapist...But thank you anyway for your advice!

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Oberfeldwebel

I have been friends with some folks for over 30 years and know his whole family, they are great people. His daughters were little girls when we first met and now they are in their 30s. They are like nieces to me and I am very proud of them and what they have accomplished in work, wives and mothers. They live many in another state, so I don’t see them often, but keep up with them online. I don’t think there is anything wrong with what has happened, except a serious misunderstanding. I am concerned that your fears are going to contribute to the demise of the relationship. I think you should consider apologizing for the misunderstanding and that the thought of losing her cause you to act a little rash. If she is leaving her phone out, you can check from time to time, just to give you peace of mind. A bouquet of flowers, a nice bottle of wine and a simple sorry can go a long way my friend.

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I really don't know.

 

Her anger means nothing because it's one of the common ways for those who feel guilty and have something to hide. The only thing that matters is her actions.

 

1. She was timing her "wanting to sleep" with the hard question you asked her.

2. She also had never agreed to give you a simple explanation about the hips\heaps confusion, which is strange because one simple explanation would have given her the peace and quiet she wants.

3. And of course the worst - After telling you can read the messages, suddenly when you ask to read them you find out that they were deleted. WOW! It means she never meant to actually let you read them. It was a manipulation, a deception

 

These are all very suspicious. Her anger is also a red flag. So now you're sent to the fog area. What does it mean?

 

1. She has something to hide. (not necessarily cheating but definitely flirting and some curiosity)

 

2. She's so angry so she's created the fog just to hurt you. I don't know which possibility is worse because if she'd deleted the messages, it means you will never know the truth (This is the fog). I think that to send your loved BF to be in a fog, taking advantage of his insecurities, is crossing a red line. It's a nasty ugly thing to do.

 

She has the the right to be extremely angry, but Hey girl... don't destroy evidence, especially evidence that could finish this conflict in one second (If you really have nothing to hide).

 

I don't know what would i do in your shoes, but I would have been certainly very very disturbed. Extremely disturbed.

Edited by lolablue17
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ShatteredLady

If my boyfriend/partner (you're a couple not dating) invaded my privacy by reading my emails (not a huge deal of itself to be honest) then had a go at me because some old family friend wrote "love your hips" I'd be very angry & jump to denial because I know it's completely false!

 

I wouldn't run through the English dictionary trying to guess which word was read incorrectly, particularly after 5 years. I'm loyal & loving. I have never given any man any indication that I would ever cheat. Catch me in the wrong mood (long day, tired etc) AND accuse me of something I find morally repugnant & I wouldn't be on my best most logical behavior.

 

This site is full of people who have been damaged by infidelity. Their answers are tainted by their life experiences. After 5 years I'd feel nice & snug & safe. I'd feel KNOWN. Of course I'd be angry trying to defend myself. She describes him as an old friend of her Mums so he's like an uncle to her.

 

I'm just trying to give the 'other' side of the story. I have no way of knowing what's really going on but I read nothing that would make me doubt her.

 

 

Note..

 

"USA/UK?" Texas & London. It will be just England soon ;)

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Well,

 

I know that this guy is married, unfortunately I know that doesn't means a lot for some people...

 

Objectively, he is less attractive physically (because of his age) even if I know that women can be seduced by older men. And everything else is ok with her, I really think she is happy with me and she loves me, but she is from time to time "alone" in England and I think she could behave in a more seducing way that she think with men, so maybe some men could interpret that as an invitation...

 

I must say that I find her a little bit manipulative and seductive with a man who can be useful to her (that's not a lovely way to describe her), I have one example: last month she needed someone to fix some chairs in the house, he told her that he didn't want to do that anymore and in front of me, she managed to have what she wants and in a good delay...And I told her exactly what I ve just written, and add that I thought it is in her habits to do that and maybe she did the same thing with the "text message's guy" and she told me that yes , she needed him for something in her house in England...

 

I find that not very moral but no one is perfect, we can see that it is done in a kind of "business relation".

 

By telling her that, I was afraid that I gave her an "alibi"

 

I must say that I am still worried, I try to speak with her about that and she calls me "daft masochist" and insist on there is nothing to be worried about, she is not attracted by him or if it was the case she will not be with me anymore etc

 

At the beginning of our story, (we were together for 2 months maybe) I had to move for my previous job and because our story was new, she told me one time that she may have met someone she was interested in. They had a little story, but we "broke up" and then when I "moved back?" we started again our relation because she was more interested in me. So in the past, she was perfectly honest...

 

But when it's all new maybe there is less to lose than in a long term relationship, so by one hand I am reassured by her honesty from that time, and by another hand, it's obvious that she loves me but she would have more to lose if she had to tell me she is cheating (I still hope that's not the case)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
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If my boyfriend/partner (you're a couple not dating) invaded my privacy by reading my emails (not a huge deal of itself to be honest) then had a go at me because some old family friend wrote "love your hips" I'd be very angry & jump to denial because I know it's completely false!

 

I wouldn't run through the English dictionary trying to guess which word was read incorrectly, particularly after 5 years. I'm loyal & loving. I have never given any man any indication that I would ever cheat. Catch me in the wrong mood (long day, tired etc) AND accuse me of something I find morally repugnant & I wouldn't be on my best most logical behavior.

 

This site is full of people who have been damaged by infidelity. Their answers are tainted by their life experiences. After 5 years I'd feel nice & snug & safe. I'd feel KNOWN. Of course I'd be angry trying to defend myself. She describes him as an old friend of her Mums so he's like an uncle to her.

 

I'm just trying to give the 'other' side of the story. I have no way of knowing what's really going on but I read nothing that would make me doubt her.

 

 

Note..

 

"USA/UK?" Texas & London. It will be just England soon ;)

 

You're right, I hope your analysis is the closest to the situation, but I think there is not a lot of french people who knows the meaning of "heaps" or even "hips" because english is badly teached there, I always have ben attracted by England and I really enjoy being with english people. But for that I had to work on my english, I know that I can have a discussion and of course I am improving a lot being with an English women (she speaks French very well so we talk in both languages) but I had to learn your sense of humor wich is different of the french one, now I am learning differences in "texting language". I like that, and I hope you understand the most of what I am writing.

 

I had to deal with "English pride" too! ("USA/UK?" Texas & London. It will be just England soon )...;) I am saying that with kindness!! But for her, everything is better in England even if she spend most of her time with me in the south of France. For me I feel perfectly comfortable mixing our culture and the nationality of someone is something faaaaar less important than is personality. So I pick what is better in each culture so I eat cheese and "foie gras" without butter and I have to say that I am a Marmite addict and that is insanely good with a good french bread! ;)

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ShatteredLady

Nutella & good French bread! Yummmmmmy! I HATE Marmite!!!

 

I know what you're saying. We learn the perfect English language & then we completely mess with it AND our writing & texting is so different from the way we speak AND our sense of humor can be very strange....it must be so hard for you. One word can have so many different meanings.

 

I don't understand what you mean by the nationalist thing though. Everything IS better about England!!! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

 

In my experience English is taught better in France than French is taught in most English schools. Many English are complacent about other languages...expecting others to speak our language but not bothering to speak theirs.

Edited by ShatteredLady
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Nutella & good French bread! Yummmmmmy! I HATE Marmite!!!

 

I know what you're saying. We learn the perfect English language & then we completely mess with it AND our writing & texting is so different from the way we speak AND our sense of humor can be very strange....it must be so hard for you. One word can have so many different meanings.

 

I don't understand what you mean by the nationalist thing though. Everything IS better about England!!! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

 

In my experience English is taught better in France than French is taught in most English schools. Many English are complacent about other languages...expecting others to speak our language but not bothering to speak theirs.

 

Haha! that is part of English sense of humor!! It's not so hard for me, I had to adapt myself to that and I think I became able to match to that humor...

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