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renaissancewoman

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renaissancewoman

Background: Married to my DH of 10 years and we have 5 kids. In January, I became aware of a secret "friendship" (his word) with a woman who lives in an adjacent neighborhood that shares our school bus stop. They had taken the kids to the park after school (he works from home) and she invited him and the kids to go see reindeer with her family (minus her husband, of course) and they had coffee. I found all this out when I saw how they interacted at a birthday party she invited us to. And I found out more of the nature of their relationship little by little as I had to play detective.

 

 

There were several texts between the two of them, though I don’t know the content and I don’t know when it really began because our phone bills only go back to 3 months and at the time I realized to check, I could only go back to November and DH deleted all their texts. But I know he had checked her out on social media as early as September through his browser history but they didn't become friends on Facebook until December. Since I confronted him, he has realized that he made a huge mistake. He justified it to himself by thinking they were just friends, and didn’t really think that there was anything wrong with it. He kept it a secret because he didn’t want to deal with me reacting with jealousy, but the fact that he was so secretive made it inherently wrong. He honestly had never been aware of such a thing as an emotional affair and thought he was doing nothing wrong because it wasn’t physical. I’m glad I caught it before it got too far.

 

 

CURRENTLY, our relationship is strong. He is more affectionate and I do feel that we have achieved a deep intimacy and renewed commitment to each other. I have started to take our son to the bus stop in the morning and he only has to pick him up, minimizing their contact.

 

 

My question is, the way he tries to paint it, it was all his mistake. That he shouldn’t have kept it a secret and that he should have been upfront about it with me. That she was oblivious to him keeping me in the dark of their “friendship”. He and her husband were friendly at the bus stop. And according to my DH, she told him that her husband was totally fine with her hanging out with another married man and the kids. So is it possible that for her, it really was just a friend thing or is it too much for her to not be complicit with the deceit? I mean, personally, I would never become exclusively friends with another married man to the point of texting multiple times and not even attempt at having a friendship with his wife as well. There was even one time when, through phone records, I saw that they were texting in the morning of a day he went away on business, and when I was the one to pick up our son at the bus stop, she acted all oblivious and asked if I was working from home that day. Of course she would have known that! She had been texting my husband more than he was texting me. Which is more likely, that she knew she was having an emotional affair with my husband, or that she thought they were really just friends?

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Honourably honest

Awkward, but he seems too transparent to be up to anything sinister. It's always awkward when you have female friends that you really get on with. Has he ever given you reason to doubt him before?

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Background: Married to my DH of 10 years and we have 5 kids. In January, I became aware of a secret "friendship" (his word) with a woman who lives in an adjacent neighborhood that shares our school bus stop. They had taken the kids to the park after school (he works from home) and she invited him and the kids to go see reindeer with her family (minus her husband, of course) and they had coffee. I found all this out when I saw how they interacted at a birthday party she invited us to. And I found out more of the nature of their relationship little by little as I had to play detective.

 

 

There were several texts between the two of them, though I don’t know the content and I don’t know when it really began because our phone bills only go back to 3 months and at the time I realized to check, I could only go back to November and DH deleted all their texts. But I know he had checked her out on social media as early as September through his browser history but they didn't become friends on Facebook until December. Since I confronted him, he has realized that he made a huge mistake. He justified it to himself by thinking they were just friends, and didn’t really think that there was anything wrong with it. He kept it a secret because he didn’t want to deal with me reacting with jealousy, but the fact that he was so secretive made it inherently wrong. He honestly had never been aware of such a thing as an emotional affair and thought he was doing nothing wrong because it wasn’t physical. I’m glad I caught it before it got too far.

 

 

CURRENTLY, our relationship is strong. He is more affectionate and I do feel that we have achieved a deep intimacy and renewed commitment to each other. I have started to take our son to the bus stop in the morning and he only has to pick him up, minimizing their contact.

 

 

My question is, the way he tries to paint it, it was all his mistake. That he shouldn’t have kept it a secret and that he should have been upfront about it with me. That she was oblivious to him keeping me in the dark of their “friendship”. He and her husband were friendly at the bus stop. And according to my DH, she told him that her husband was totally fine with her hanging out with another married man and the kids. So is it possible that for her, it really was just a friend thing or is it too much for her to not be complicit with the deceit? I mean, personally, I would never become exclusively friends with another married man to the point of texting multiple times and not even attempt at having a friendship with his wife as well. There was even one time when, through phone records, I saw that they were texting in the morning of a day he went away on business, and when I was the one to pick up our son at the bus stop, she acted all oblivious and asked if I was working from home that day. Of course she would have known that! She had been texting my husband more than he was texting me. Which is more likely, that she knew she was having an emotional affair with my husband, or that she thought they were really just friends?

 

If she didn't know it was wrong and you see her frequently, she'd have mentioned all the texting by now.

 

If it were me... I'd be right up front with my skanky neighbor and tell her that if I caught her anywhere around my husband again, I'd be taking the matter up with hers. She'll give you the "we're just friends" speech, tell her you don't give a damn what her malfunction is, that the behavior is completely inappropriate and unwanted. She can consider herself "unfriended".

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, get a copy of Not Just Friends and have your husband read it so as to understand WHY his "secret friendship" wrong.

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Unfortunately as your husband works from home and she is in an adjacent neighbourhood i.e. pretty close, you have really no idea how far this "relationship" went or even if it is still ongoing.

Having been found out, many will then take it underground.

Sorry, but cheaters lie, it is what they do, you have already seen her lie to your face and your husband lied too.

If he seriously thought he was doing nothing wrong, he would have been more open about their friendship, BUT...

You need to get into serious investigative mode here.

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Oh dear, I'm so very sorry.

 

If he hadn't been deleting the texts, then I would believe his story that he didn't realize that it was wrong or wasn't innocent. But why on earth would he delete friendly texts? Apparently there's an App called Dr. Fone which can retrieve some deleted things, which you might look into.

 

I know this is painful to hear, but often, people confess to less than what they really did, so you should prepare yourself in case this is the case. I thought my husband's affair was only an emotional affair as well -- after all, the OW lived on another continent. Then I found evidence of sexting, then the email where he bought her a plane ticket to join him on a business trip. He only ever admitted to what I discovered for myself.

 

But let's assume it was "just" an emotional affair and answer your question. No, I don't see how this woman could think that texting multiple times a day was innocent. Our youngest goes to a progressive preschool with lots of stay-at-home dads, and any time one of them seems to be befriending me or texting me directly, I always befriend or include his wife, or include a group of other parents as well.

 

I do agree with your husband that the responsibility for guarding your marriage is his and yours, not hers. There will always be women willing to have an affair with your husband. He needs to have proper boundaries and transparency no matter how much he is desired or pursued by another woman.

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Cloudcuckoo

Oh dear... You might want to think about really listening to your intuition. It's there to keep us safe. If you're bull***t detector is ringing, it's because there's a nasty smell in the air....

 

She knows her behaviour is inappropriate, particularly as you've pointed out she asked you a question while your husband was away obviously in full knowledge of its answer.

 

She's a potential threat to your marriage. Shut her down.

 

Your husband has been flattered by the attention of this woman. He has no business creating friendships of any kind with members of the opposite sex while omitting the details to you. That is lying by omission.

 

Sit down with him and discuss what boundaries are necessary to keep your marriage safe and implement them.

 

You will naturally be watchful for a while, and that's a good thing.

Edited by Cloudcuckoo
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LivingWaterPlease

 

I do agree with your husband that the responsibility for guarding your marriage is his and yours, not hers. There will always be women willing to have an affair with your husband. He needs to have proper boundaries and transparency no matter how much he is desired or pursued by another woman.

 

^^^^^This.

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I would be thinking it was much more than a friendship since it was his big secret.

 

Don't assume it was only friends. There's a reason he kept it from you - and that never helps any marriage.

 

What more do you know? What do the kids say about her?

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LifesontheUp

DH deleted all their texts.

 

Of course he knew it was wrong otherwise he wouldn't have deleted the evidence of what he was doing.

 

And according to my DH, she told him that her husband was totally fine with her hanging out with another married man and the kids.

 

So he won't have any objection if you tell her husband what was going on then?

 

That she was oblivious to him keeping me in the dark of their “friendship”.

 

He is trying to protect her. This would bother me, because if he knew its wrong and wants to sort his marriage out with you, he shouldn't be protecting her.

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renaissancewoman
What more do you know? What do the kids say about her?

 

I know:

1. It started sometime after school began. We both have kindergarteners and that's the only way we even met their family.

2. They had only gone to the park 2-3 times in that time, per the kids.

3. She invited them to see reindeer in December. That day he texted me that he took the kids there, but never mentioned that it was with her and her kids. I think he only told me because they had run into an old neighbor and thought I she would tell me. But she didn't as we hadn't talked in a while and she probably didn't think anything of it. Anyway, I only put 2 and 2 together when I saw in the phone bills that she has sent him A LOT of pictures that day (pictures of the kids together). I think this is really the only time they spent extended time together as they went to a coffee shop with another friend of hers that worked near the reindeer place afterwards.

4. He has never changed any of his passwords and I have access to his social accounts.

5. It was all only texting, per our phone records. They never spoke on the phone except one time when he wasn't at the bus and no one was there to pick up our son. The bus doesn't allow kids to get off without a parent there as they are kindergarteners.

6. He is not on Snapchat or what's app. I've downloaded both of those just to check if he has an account and he doesn't.

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I know:

1. It started sometime after school began. We both have kindergarteners and that's the only way we even met their family.

2. They had only gone to the park 2-3 times in that time, per the kids.

3. She invited them to see reindeer in December. That day he texted me that he took the kids there, but never mentioned that it was with her and her kids. I think he only told me because they had run into an old neighbor and thought I she would tell me. But she didn't as we hadn't talked in a while and she probably didn't think anything of it. Anyway, I only put 2 and 2 together when I saw in the phone bills that she has sent him A LOT of pictures that day (pictures of the kids together). I think this is really the only time they spent extended time together as they went to a coffee shop with another friend of hers that worked near the reindeer place afterwards.

4. He has never changed any of his passwords and I have access to his social accounts.

5. It was all only texting, per our phone records. They never spoke on the phone except one time when he wasn't at the bus and no one was there to pick up our son. The bus doesn't allow kids to get off without a parent there as they are kindergarteners.

6. He is not on Snapchat or what's app. I've downloaded both of those just to check if he has an account and he doesn't.

 

Cheaters tend to have "burner phones", a prepaid mobile that they use to contact the OW/OM, that doesn't show up in phone records. They may have duplicate laptops too.

If they have gone underground as you have now found out, then you will not see anything more on regular phone records.

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Cloudcuckoo
I know:

1. It started sometime after school began. We both have kindergarteners and that's the only way we even met their family.

2. They had only gone to the park 2-3 times in that time, per the kids.

3. She invited them to see reindeer in December. That day he texted me that he took the kids there, but never mentioned that it was with her and her kids. I think he only told me because they had run into an old neighbor and thought I she would tell me. But she didn't as we hadn't talked in a while and she probably didn't think anything of it. Anyway, I only put 2 and 2 together when I saw in the phone bills that she has sent him A LOT of pictures that day (pictures of the kids together). I think this is really the only time they spent extended time together as they went to a coffee shop with another friend of hers that worked near the reindeer place afterwards.

4. He has never changed any of his passwords and I have access to his social accounts.

5. It was all only texting, per our phone records. They never spoke on the phone except one time when he wasn't at the bus and no one was there to pick up our son. The bus doesn't allow kids to get off without a parent there as they are kindergarteners.

6. He is not on Snapchat or what's app. I've downloaded both of those just to check if he has an account and he doesn't.

 

 

We've evidently forgotten our manners Renaissance! Welcome to loveshack.

 

You will find a great deal of sage advice here. Some applicable, some not quite so.

 

Take what you need and leave the rest as many say.

 

You know your husband better than anyone, so if you feel they have been over familiar, him and this woman, put a stop to it and tell them both you are aware that something is inappropriate and you're not happy about it.

 

AND, you might add that should the boundaries be breached, you will make it known to those who need that information for their own decision making. (Like her husband).

 

Don't let you're husband bamboozle you with sweet talk and fluttering eyelashes........

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If the content of their messages is above board... then he should be okay with you recovering them with the necessary software. It can be done. If he's nothing to hide he'll jump at the chance to do it.

 

Now that you're on to him... he'll get a burner phone or a secret email account to communicate with her.

 

Have you previously noticed any change in behaviour from him?

 

Texting alot ?

Staying up late?

Long trips to the store?

New hobbies or spending more time on existing ones?

Any changes in intimacy between you both?

 

Perhaps you need to get a bit closer with her H and see if he really knows how friendly they are. Like has he seen their texts.

 

So many affairs start this way.... and for you to notice their interaction .... they must have gotten very close. In fact they could be trying to form a couples friendship to spend more time together right under your nose.

 

Don't say anything more about your suspicions or they'll go underground. Act like all is well and he'll lower his guard.

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renaissancewoman

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and support. I am now at work and just want to let you know that I have read your posts and very much appreciate you taking the time. I will respond later this evening when I'm off.

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Just for grins, you may want to buy a voice-activated recorder and place it in his office and just check it for a few days to ensure nothing else is going on.

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renaissancewoman

Without sounding like I'm making excuses for my husband, I do feel like I should own up to my part in his secret friendship. In the past year, I will admit that I have not been the easiest wife to love or be around. I am extremely dissatisfied with my work situation. As I mentioned, my husband works from home, but it's mostly out of necessity because with 5 kids, we can't have both of us working outside the home as childcare costs would eat up the majority of my salary and it just doesn't make sense. He is a real estate professional, it's not a conventional 2-week paycheck job. When he gets paid, it's a lot of money, but it could be months between paychecks, so my job provides the consistency while he is still the main bread winner, even with the limited capacity in which he can really build his business (we are a one-vehicle household, which also contributes its own challenges).

 

With that said, our marriage is pretty close to perfect by any standards. He adores me and I love him more than anything. He is devoted to me and our children. He is a doting father. The only stresses in our lives are tied to our finances so for me, my work and my dissatisfaction with it made me a very angry and bitter person for a long time. He saw my unhappiness and shouldered that burden and it weighed on me as he saw it as his inability to make enough of a consistent income to bring me home from work and freeing him up to fully focus on his business.

 

So when the OW entered into our lives, I was the negative Nelly when she was this sweet, pleasant person to talk to. I'm sure when he talked to her, there wasn't the pressures of paying bills, unfolded laundry, too much month at the end of the money, etc....she hasn’t had to withstand the storms we’ve had in our marriage, she didn’t have the battle scars, she was just the nice, positive friend who only showed her good side, you know, the side that we all put up in public, our “best-behavior-versions-of-ourselves.” And since he works from home, with limited adult interaction, then of course he felt like he was entitled to having a friendship. Of course, I realize that the fact that he felt he needed to hide it is a reflection of his subconscious or conscious attraction to her. It’s not like he doesn’t have other friends of the opposite sex. I’m perfectly fine with him being friends with other women. I’m friends with the women he’s friends with. So obviously, he hid it because deep down, he had a crush on her.

 

All this, I’ve expressed to him. As I said in my original post, he understands that what he did was wrong. He is truly remorseful. I do believe that he didn’t disclose everything right away and only answered questions that I asked specifically, which led to trickle truth because I didn’t think know all the questions to ask and as I discovered more information would ask more questions and he would only answer those and so on and so on. This made things worse, but I do understand why he did it. When you are caught, you only disclose the info you feel is necessary out of self-preservation. I don’t agree with it, but I understand it.

 

He hasn’t texted her since January. Although she did invite us to a Valentine’s party at their house, which he declined, obviously. I don’t believe that he went underground because he doesn’t act like he’s hiding anything. The only changes in his behavior have been positive ones. He is more affectionate and attentive. He goes out of his way to let me know he’s thinking of me. He now only refers to me as his bride. He has begun to attend church with me regularly. I know all his passwords. I know his combination to his phone. He isn’t possessive with it. Burner phone? I suppose people do that, but I really don’t think he would do this. Extra laptop? I literally have access to everything that he has. He is as transparent as he could be. He only works at home, I have full access to his office.

 

So, I do believe him that this was just an emotional affair that didn’t get physical. I do believe that he no longer texts her and that any attraction he may have felt towards her is not any comparison to the absolute and pure love that he has with me. I do think that we have both had a wake up call and realize how much we still need to work on our intimacy with each other every day. We didn’t realize how much parenting took away from just focusing on each other.

 

 

But with all that, I still don’t trust fully. I check our phone records every day. I check his Facebook activity log every day. I check his emails every day. I export all our phone records and save them to my computer at the end of the billing cycle. I am much more watchful. I know the OW’s social profiles and check those for any postings that might hint at a breach in boundaries. I feel like I’ve forgiven my husband, but I have a lot of hate towards the OW for at the worst, inserting herself into our lives and thinking that she could somehow take my place as #1 in his heart, or at the very least, being so dumb and naïve as to not realize the level of inappropriate behavior of becoming friends with a MM and not attempt to be friends with his wife also. But when I think about all the checking I do now, sometimes I wonder, have I really forgiven him? Shouldn’t I be more trusting? Or am I just being practical?

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It looks like you really want to believe he didn't do anything except text her and meet her without your knowledge.

 

There's more - there is always more.

 

You're choosing to close your eyes and that may hurt you more in the long run.

 

Good luck with it. I sincerely mean that.

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Honourably honest

Do you know what, I think this was all a boundary issue, a storm in a teacup which has ended well. From how you describe him, he's spot on with a simple to fix very minor flaw.

Have a great weekend, and try to put it all behind you as you have it all.

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Cloudcuckoo
Do you know what, I think this was all a boundary issue, a storm in a teacup which has ended well. From how you describe him, he's spot on with a simple to fix very minor flaw.

Have a great weekend, and try to put it all behind you as you have it all.

 

I am inclined to agree, with a little caution Renaissance.

 

I don't necessarily think there's more to it than pushing boundaries and testing the water on the other woman's part, and a sort of naive response to a bit of flattery on your husband's.

 

Of course I don't know this for certain because I'm not in your shoes, but from what you've said, and as I've already mentioned, nobody knows your husband as well as you do (which is what put you on alert in the first place), there isn't anything more sinister than that to it.

 

You're keeping your wits about you and there is nothing wrong with confirming that there is no funny business occurring by observing all communication to and from your husband.

 

I think as you say, you've had a bit of a shake up in your marriage, and that's never a bad thing. Use it to bring back better equilibrium!

 

In all probability your husband likely near S*** himself when he realised just how close he could have come to something life changing!

 

keeping an eye on things for a while is natural after you've had your boat rocked. It will gradually lessen as you find nothing and feel better.

 

I do think though, that it might be prudent to let this woman know in some way that, despite what her husband thinks about allowing his wife male friends, you are not happy with her being your husband's. I believe from what you've described, she IS a threat, and you need to let her know you're not wearing it.

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I do understand that you came here to figure out if the other woman's actions were inappropriate and then you get a bunch of suggestions that he's still cheating or it was deeper than it was. People have suggested to me that my husband took his affair underground, which I don't believe either. So I get it.

 

As for your feelings about the other woman, it's perfectly acceptable to be angry that she was 50% of this inappropriate friendship. What was her end game? Why did she think that was OK? Unfortunately, she's not married to you, so you'll probably never get those answers. I also found that my anger towards the OW was disproportional in the beginning. I think I was protecting myself from being too angry at my husband because it was too much to handle.

 

As for trusting him, monitoring, taking him at his word . . . Is there anything that still bothers you? Because my husband did the same as yours and never volunteered any information that I didn't specifically find, I felt like I needed him to produce or confess to something concrete that I didn't find on my own. He never did, despite my repeated entreaties. As far as making excuses, I think he was simply blocking it out -- he is a conflict avoider and compartmentalizer. For example, he had a pair of socks in his drawer that she had given him, but when I asked if she had given him any gifts, he said no. It wasn't like he was clutching the socks to his bosom every night; he simply blocked it out. So I had to figure it out on my own. That happened several more times, and it was disheartening, to say the least. How do you feel about the fact that he never stepped up to admit to things, and in fact just deleted the string of texts so you couldn't find out on your own? (Though you probably can if you choose to use a data retrieval app.)

 

I don't know your husband, but it seems to me that he would only delete them if there was something beyond just friends saying hey. I would imagine it was one or more of the following:

1. inappropriate and overt flirting

2. sexting, sending sexual images

3. an actual physical affair

 

The fact that you are satisfied to believe that it was at worst number one, and probably not even that, is why some are suggesting you are "rug-sweeping." Of course, it's up to you if you can handle knowing that it's 2 or 3. Maybe you can't. Conversely, it would be nice to verify that it's "only" 1, but you risk finding out it's more to do so.

 

I know that they aren't texting any more, but they still see each at the bus stop every day, right? So they could be making plans to meet up in person. Or flirting. Or whatnot. Are they both at home without kids during the day? They could also just be meeting at each others' houses with the understanding that texting can't happen because you're checking. Do I think your husband is capable of this level of deceit? Probably not. I don't think mine is. He had all sorts of rules about what was OK and what wasn't -- obfuscation and deflection was OK. Lying to my face was not. But something still seems off about your story and I'm just throwing out ideas about what it could be.

 

It's entirely possible that you discovered a burgeoning emotional affair before it turned into anything else. But it seems that on some level, at least, since you are combing over every text, email, social media account, and phone record daily, that part of you does not feel settled about it yet. And I think that's because you only dug so deep and then stopped, and because he never showed he was trustworthy by offering details or verification beyond what you discovered for yourself.

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Also wanted to add:

 

I actually came to LS to work out my feelings about the OW. Since this is a place where all sorts of people come, you're not only going to get one point of view. If you read in the Other Man/Woman forum, you'll see stories of married women having affairs. What often strikes me is how fixated they are on the affair partner with nary a thought of their own husbands (or of the wives of their APs). So if this woman was pursuing or actively engaging in an inappropriate relationship with your husband, it's likely that she was just caught up in the oxytocin and not worrying about much else. You can probably imagine what it would be like to discover that another man enjoys your company and seems to favor you and find you attractive, and the thrill of testing whether or not he would cross the line with you. Just like your marriage, hers was probably in a spot where needs weren't being met, dynamics were out of whack, resentment had built up, etc.

 

In my case, the OW was a single woman who pursued my husband with the end goal of having him marry her and get her a visa to our country. She attempted to break up my marriage for the slim chance that she could have happily ever after with a man she'd spent 48 hours in person with. You can imagine my outrage. Who does that? We have small children. I have a chronic illness and can't work. How could she possibly think that what she was doing was OK?

 

But at the end of the day, I need to accept that my husband made it OK when he opened the door to her advances and reciprocated. It should have never been an option for her to develop a secret relationship with him. I've come to see her situation with more clarity: she lives in a place where people marry young and she's an "old maid." Her brother met a separated woman and married her and got his "happily ever after." My WH sure seemed open to her friendship and was no doubt flirtatious. She thought maybe it was all part of a higher plan for them to meet. She thought it was OK because he seemed or said he was unhappy. Etc etc. Do I want to be BFFs with this woman? Do I think she's a shining example of character? No, no, no. But I understand that casting her as the villain in our story is an emotional crutch to avoid doing the work in our marriage and on myself.

 

I didn't get here overnight. I've written pages of angry (unsent) letters to her. I've spent far too long stalking her social media. What really did help, and what might be a step for you to give you that peace you're missing, is that my husband finally sent her a proper "no contact" message. In the early days after DD, he didn't want to block her at all. Then he dragged his feet and said he didn't want to "reset the clock" with her and would just never contact her again. But he opened the door to her, and I needed him to slam it shut if we were to move forward. We read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" (I highly recommend this; it's a short read and you can find it for free download online) and he finally understand how important this was to my sense of closure. He immediately sent the OW an email affirming that their relationship was wrong, that he loved me, and that she should never contact him ever again. It wasn't until then (this was about 9 months after DD) that I really started to heal. I needed that door slammed SHUT.

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As a man whose been in potentially similar situations, I think at the very least he should mention what's going on to her. If there was some sort of misunderstanding, it needs to be cleared up by him, and he needs to let her know your feelings on the matter. This should all be in the open for all of you as neighbors/parents of your kids. If I have a female friend that my W doesn't know personally, at the very least she knows I communicate with her once in a while, mostly email check-ins.

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Renaissance woman:

 

IMO, a spouse should always trust but verify. Always!

 

IMO, you are absolutely right to be concernend. I am hoping you have derailed an affair.

 

The relationship between your husband and this woman is inappropriate to say the least.

 

Two married people of the opposite sex should not be socializing as you describe without their respective spouses. It really is a boundary breech, particularly, today, with infidelity escalating so rapidly.

 

Also the fact that she is sharing personal pix of her children, sounds an alarm. It seems as if she wants him to get to know and care about her children.

 

Why? Is she looking to mate poach?

 

I had an affair and I can tell you that it started very similarly. Sometimes it is the man who is sexually aggressive to start a physical affair and sometimes it is the woman.

 

In my case, it was the woman. I would have been happy to share a cup of coffee with her and just talk, I frequently meet with attractive women clients and through the years nothing ever happened. I frequently had women hint at having an affair but I never took the bait

 

But my FOW but after a handful of those coffee chat meetings, under the guise of discussing business, she started to talk about sex, complain about her husband, mention several prior affairs she had engaged in that were never exposed to her husband, then next meeting she snuggled up to me wrapped her legs around mine, then finally, during coffee chats, she snuggled up to me wrapped her legs around mine and kissed me, insisted she only wanted an affair, nothing more, and the affair began.

 

At first she claimed she only wanted an affair to supplement her boring marriage, but then after a time, it turned out she wanted to mate poach. It quickly became a nightmare.

 

Anyway, my point is that even if your marriage is great and you guys still have an active sex life, the situation just might to be ripe for an affair.

 

Also, my FOW was also very interested in showing pictures of her children and she talked about them incessantly, and then once, despite my disapproval, introduced me to her children and later wanted us all to go on outings together. I refuse. But, it should have been a clue to me that she wanted more than just an affair.

 

If he continues to socialize with her alone, without you, he is playing with fire.

 

I am glad to see you noticed and nipped this in the bud.

 

A lot of people claim they would never have an affair, but I say that's famous last words. If the situation is right, IMO, everyone is vulnerable to the temptation of an affair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without sounding like I'm making excuses for my husband, I do feel like I should own up to my part in his secret friendship. In the past year, I will admit that I have not been the easiest wife to love or be around. I am extremely dissatisfied with my work situation. As I mentioned, my husband works from home, but it's mostly out of necessity because with 5 kids, we can't have both of us working outside the home as childcare costs would eat up the majority of my salary and it just doesn't make sense. He is a real estate professional, it's not a conventional 2-week paycheck job. When he gets paid, it's a lot of money, but it could be months between paychecks, so my job provides the consistency while he is still the main bread winner, even with the limited capacity in which he can really build his business (we are a one-vehicle household, which also contributes its own challenges).

 

With that said, our marriage is pretty close to perfect by any standards. He adores me and I love him more than anything. He is devoted to me and our children. He is a doting father. The only stresses in our lives are tied to our finances so for me, my work and my dissatisfaction with it made me a very angry and bitter person for a long time. He saw my unhappiness and shouldered that burden and it weighed on me as he saw it as his inability to make enough of a consistent income to bring me home from work and freeing him up to fully focus on his business.

 

So when the OW entered into our lives, I was the negative Nelly when she was this sweet, pleasant person to talk to. I'm sure when he talked to her, there wasn't the pressures of paying bills, unfolded laundry, too much month at the end of the money, etc....she hasn’t had to withstand the storms we’ve had in our marriage, she didn’t have the battle scars, she was just the nice, positive friend who only showed her good side, you know, the side that we all put up in public, our “best-behavior-versions-of-ourselves.” And since he works from home, with limited adult interaction, then of course he felt like he was entitled to having a friendship. Of course, I realize that the fact that he felt he needed to hide it is a reflection of his subconscious or conscious attraction to her. It’s not like he doesn’t have other friends of the opposite sex. I’m perfectly fine with him being friends with other women. I’m friends with the women he’s friends with. So obviously, he hid it because deep down, he had a crush on her.

 

All this, I’ve expressed to him. As I said in my original post, he understands that what he did was wrong. He is truly remorseful. I do believe that he didn’t disclose everything right away and only answered questions that I asked specifically, which led to trickle truth because I didn’t think know all the questions to ask and as I discovered more information would ask more questions and he would only answer those and so on and so on. This made things worse, but I do understand why he did it. When you are caught, you only disclose the info you feel is necessary out of self-preservation. I don’t agree with it, but I understand it.

 

He hasn’t texted her since January. Although she did invite us to a Valentine’s party at their house, which he declined, obviously. I don’t believe that he went underground because he doesn’t act like he’s hiding anything. The only changes in his behavior have been positive ones. He is more affectionate and attentive. He goes out of his way to let me know he’s thinking of me. He now only refers to me as his bride. He has begun to attend church with me regularly. I know all his passwords. I know his combination to his phone. He isn’t possessive with it. Burner phone? I suppose people do that, but I really don’t think he would do this. Extra laptop? I literally have access to everything that he has. He is as transparent as he could be. He only works at home, I have full access to his office.

 

So, I do believe him that this was just an emotional affair that didn’t get physical. I do believe that he no longer texts her and that any attraction he may have felt towards her is not any comparison to the absolute and pure love that he has with me. I do think that we have both had a wake up call and realize how much we still need to work on our intimacy with each other every day. We didn’t realize how much parenting took away from just focusing on each other.

 

 

But with all that, I still don’t trust fully. I check our phone records every day. I check his Facebook activity log every day. I check his emails every day. I export all our phone records and save them to my computer at the end of the billing cycle. I am much more watchful. I know the OW’s social profiles and check those for any postings that might hint at a breach in boundaries. I feel like I’ve forgiven my husband, but I have a lot of hate towards the OW for at the worst, inserting herself into our lives and thinking that she could somehow take my place as #1 in his heart, or at the very least, being so dumb and naïve as to not realize the level of inappropriate behavior of becoming friends with a MM and not attempt to be friends with his wife also. But when I think about all the checking I do now, sometimes I wonder, have I really forgiven him? Shouldn’t I be more trusting? Or am I just being practical?

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