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my boyfriend needs space


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Ok, so this story has two parts...

1. My husband and I have been married 3years... its been rough and we r barely making it if you ask me... sex life non existent & when does happen its horrible. (small penis, comes quickly, am just not sexually attracted to him anymore) i do it because I am is wife and I should. I have talked to him about it and trying different things and he is not willing. & to quote him he's the man and its his show. Outside of sex issue we are i guess ok... solved some major issue with counselling but hes not open to discussing sex life with anyone he says its fine. So my job recently gave me the opportunity to work another country for 3years. My husband didn't like that idea but I took it anyway felt like we could use the break from each other mayb that would motivate some changes...So one yr has passed with me living in the other country, my husband has visited um lemme see 1 week when he helped me moved here, 1 week for my birthday, weekend for valentines, and weekend for anniversary... u get the picture only on special occasions essentially. side bar he makes a lot of money so the travel back n forth is not a problem so he could do better if he wanted to...

 

2. Meanwhile i was talking to an old friend online a whole lot. So he joked about visiting me and kind of you know saying how he would be a better man than my husband. after a month of that kind of flirting we started dating. Its been 7 months now. He initially took a 3 week vacation & came to stay with me. he then went into just 2 weekends a month. Sex is awesome I feel things I have never felt in my life. Ok so this guy is not financially as well off and even that statement is overstating his finances. We have been fine he makes me feel special and thats been enough for me as I am well paid at my job, plus my husband takes care of any extra stuff. I took my vacation and i traveled to be with him so u know he could save that time (originally i was supposed to go see my husband but he said he didn't want to take vacation that time of year blah blah fiscal yr business run on whatever). So 4months in we fell in love and he moved here to be with me... works from home and goes to his office away couple days out the week.

So this past weekend I was supposed to come for a weekend trip with him but i got off from work late so had to take a different flight. But then i see he messaged me that he doesn't know how to deal with being in love with me since I can't be his completely, needs space. I was fine with him being in love as I love him too. I cant imagine not being with him. So I was like ok. its been 5days haven't heard a peep from him. I have been worried not sleeping, cant eat, anxious if he is online or if i get a text, just wondering if things are over. what does he mean he needs space & should I call to ask or just wait?

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GorillaTheater

What's stopping you from being "his completely"? Divorcing your husband to make that happen doesn't seem unreasonable under the circumstances.

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Sorry that you're hurting.

 

 

'Needing space' doesn't usually mean anything positive.

 

It can mean, "I don't know if I want this anymore."

 

It can mean, "I want to end this, but I don't know how."

 

It can mean other things, but both of the previous are common.

 

 

No matter what you do, you need to eat, drink, and sleep.

 

If you don't, your ability to make well-reasoned decisions will rapidly go downhill.

 

 

Eat something, drink some water, get some rest, and then do your thinking about what you should do.

 

 

Take care.

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He & I never had that conversation. He just got all in his feelings and went awall.

 

but honestly I kind of like how we are. I feel safe with my husband, he's accountant, because together we are financially sound, am a doctor. Its the intimacy that is gone, i still feel we have a friendship - he's still my bestfriend we talk everyday. With the boyfriend that financial situation is big fear for me to even venture that way. he gave me back story about not holding a job for years, drug dealing previously but has stopped recently, he has a bad temper & ended up hitting last girlfriend, still does marijuana gets drunk and goes on the job and cusses everyone or quit. So this current job he's new to it, & he's already saying how if he didn't need the money he would.... he says being with me has made him be a better person because he likes the life i live and he's gotten to travel & be in high society circles around me. but for me i don't know if that pass will catch up to him or he will relapse. Mind you he doesn't let me see that side of him but he was honest about it. I cant explain knowing all that's wrong and feeling so deeply for him, he shows me a softer sweeter side. Only time he has ever been rough/aggressive is in bed & i have no reserves about it. I have been sleepy & no want to have sex and he rip the panties off and do somethings & put me in the mood.

 

love doesn't pay bills... so am really in a messed up heartspace, I love them both for different reasons.

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You need a major rethink about how you're living your life.

 

I'm not sure that your current choices are workable.

 

Surgeon, heal thyself.

 

 

Get thee to a counsellor.

 

 

Take care.

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I don't know what to do honestly. one night my boyfriend & I are talking about future plans & having kids to him just not being able to deal. We stopped using condoms and he doesn't pull out so obviously if I was ok with us trying for a baby then I am not planning on leaving him. I even asked him if he likes the country we are in now and is serious about staying here I am willing to apply for permanent stay or even moving to city where he's from.

 

meanwhile my husband has made it very clear he likes the country he's from and his job and he's not leaving that place. so boyfriend has nothing to worry about essentially we have our own life in another country.

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purplesorrow

Why not divorce if you are financially stable on your own? Do you think your husband is seeing anyone?

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before we got married there was a major sexual energy and flirting but we dated 15 months and then got married. he was reserved about sex before marriage. after we got married he told me I was his first. However he was not my first. to be honest After a year of faking enjoyment i told him and nothing changed. i watched porn with him and nothing. so then it just became him being sexually aroused me filling that need for him and me left to whatever. so in the 3years of marriage i wasnt satisfied with that aspect but i justified that everything else was perfect so i guess i just deal with it. i even told him i buy a dildo he didnt approve of that idea either he just said i would take sometime to get in the swing of things as if i was the only with an issue.

 

so needless to say i didn't go looking to cheat it just happened... and the boyfriend has no reserves in bed and he would refuse to finish unless I am satisfied.

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purplesorrow
before we got married there was a major sexual energy and flirting but we dated 15 months and then got married. he was reserved about sex before marriage. after we got married he told me I was his first. However he was not my first. to be honest After a year of faking enjoyment i told him and nothing changed. i watched porn with him and nothing. so then it just became him being sexually aroused me filling that need for him and me left to whatever. so in the 3years of marriage i wasnt satisfied with that aspect but i justified that everything else was perfect so i guess i just deal with it. i even told him i buy a dildo he didnt approve of that idea either he just said i would take sometime to get in the swing of things as if i was the only with an issue.

 

so needless to say i didn't go looking to cheat it just happened... and the boyfriend has no reserves in bed and he would refuse to finish unless I am satisfied.

 

Why fake for a whole year? Why couldn't you be honest sooner? Cheating doesn't just happen.

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i am financially sound on my own now. I like the networth we have together. Plus we have invested in several real estate properties, rental properties and a business together so not really trying to muddy those waters.

 

Additional back story too... My husband's money is old money mine is new. when we started dating I was in medical school and he sort of took care of me, paid for my last 2years, my condo and my car.

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GorillaTheater
i am financially sound on my own now. I like the networth we have together. Plus we have invested in several real estate properties, rental properties and a business together so not really trying to muddy those waters.

 

Additional back story too... My husband's money is old money mine is new. when we started dating I was in medical school and he sort of took care of me, paid for my last 2years, my condo and my car.

 

 

You signed a pre-nuptial agreement, am I right?

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i thought it would get better since he was new at it didn't want to hurt his ego but then i started feeling deprived. when i said it just happen, the cheating that is, I didnt intend to. Me and "tom" were friends and it started harmless with friends just sharing and it started to venture into the sex talk about the void and i guess downhill from there

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Might it be possible to transform the infidelity into polyamory, with the three of you open and consenting?

 

Some people make that work.

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no pre-nup. I just don't want to leave him. he really is a great guy if the sex wasnt crap he would be perfect.

 

I don't think he is seeing anyone else. He's just so wrapped up in his work and when I say that am busy in mine he respects that because he knows how he is with his. When we lived in the same country he would spend hours like night working and those nights he would call me to come to his office there i would study etc or just do stuff on my computer until he was done.

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polygamy no sir it sounds like a great idea but not realistic. husband would leave if he found out there was someone else. and boyfriend obviously cant deal with the fact that I have a husband. which is crazy because when he pursued this relationship he knew i was married what did he think would happen?

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purplesorrow
polygamy no sir it sounds like a great idea but not realistic. husband would leave if he found out there was someone else. and boyfriend obviously cant deal with the fact that I have a husband. which is crazy because when he pursued this relationship he knew i was married what did he think would happen?

 

He probably thought you didn't love your husband since you were willing to cheat. He may have thought you would leave your marriage.

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polygamy no sir it sounds like a great idea but not realistic. husband would leave if he found out there was someone else. and boyfriend obviously cant deal with the fact that I have a husband. which is crazy because when he pursued this relationship he knew i was married what did he think would happen?

 

So what's your issue OP? You don't want to leave your husband. You don't want to open the marriage. You don't want to commit to your OM. Why are you here then? Honesty it sounds like you just want to vent that your sex toy OM cut you off because he wants to be in a real relationship.

 

Find another sex toy.

 

Edit: sorry that sounded a little harsher than I meant. What are you wanting?

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yes that was very harsh. but no am not venting not looking for another om... i don't want to leave either of them. my original question was what does it mean he needs space? should I call or just leave him

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Mrin... how am i not committed to the OM? I did he is the one who cant deal. He was living with me for these months. he didn't give me an option he just messaged need space with no warning it was coming. how am i supposed to react to that

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yes that was very harsh. but no am not venting not looking for another om... i don't want to leave either of them. my original question was what does it mean he needs space? should I call or just leave him

 

 

He's asked for space, so it would be best to do nothing for now.

 

"I need space."

 

"I'm just calling to ask what you meant by you needing space."

 

"I meant don't call me."

 

 

Take care.

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Not rocket science here, he is fed up with being the OM.

Fed up of you spending happy holidays with your husband, fed up of being used by you when you feel like it.

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whichwayisup
Ok, so this story has two parts...

1. My husband and I have been married 3years... its been rough and we r barely making it if you ask me... sex life non existent & when does happen its horrible. (small penis, comes quickly, am just not sexually attracted to him anymore) i do it because I am is wife and I should. I have talked to him about it and trying different things and he is not willing. & to quote him he's the man and its his show. Outside of sex issue we are i guess ok... solved some major issue with counselling but hes not open to discussing sex life with anyone he says its fine. So my job recently gave me the opportunity to work another country for 3years. My husband didn't like that idea but I took it anyway felt like we could use the break from each other mayb that would motivate some changes...So one yr has passed with me living in the other country, my husband has visited um lemme see 1 week when he helped me moved here, 1 week for my birthday, weekend for valentines, and weekend for anniversary... u get the picture only on special occasions essentially. side bar he makes a lot of money so the travel back n forth is not a problem so he could do better if he wanted to...

 

2. Meanwhile i was talking to an old friend online a whole lot. So he joked about visiting me and kind of you know saying how he would be a better man than my husband. after a month of that kind of flirting we started dating. Its been 7 months now. He initially took a 3 week vacation & came to stay with me. he then went into just 2 weekends a month. Sex is awesome I feel things I have never felt in my life. Ok so this guy is not financially as well off and even that statement is overstating his finances. We have been fine he makes me feel special and thats been enough for me as I am well paid at my job, plus my husband takes care of any extra stuff. I took my vacation and i traveled to be with him so u know he could save that time (originally i was supposed to go see my husband but he said he didn't want to take vacation that time of year blah blah fiscal yr business run on whatever). So 4months in we fell in love and he moved here to be with me... works from home and goes to his office away couple days out the week.

So this past weekend I was supposed to come for a weekend trip with him but i got off from work late so had to take a different flight. But then i see he messaged me that he doesn't know how to deal with being in love with me since I can't be his completely, needs space. I was fine with him being in love as I love him too. I cant imagine not being with him. So I was like ok. its been 5days haven't heard a peep from him. I have been worried not sleeping, cant eat, anxious if he is online or if i get a text, just wondering if things are over. what does he mean he needs space & should I call to ask or just wait?

 

Please divorce your husband. What you are doing so selfish and cruel to him! Having an A and allowing your husband to pay the extras for you, all the meanwhile you've found a poorer man to have fun sex with and move in with you.

 

This man KNOWS you have a husband, right? Maybe that's why he's not wanting to spend every minute with you. He doesn't want to get hurt since you're not really free and single to make a commitment.

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ShatteredLady

What's this about Tracey, "We stopped using condoms and he doesn't pull out so obviously if I was ok with us trying for a baby then I am not planning on leaving him."?

 

Are you planning on getting pregnant & passing the baby off as your husbands?

 

What on earth are you doing? You're a doctor so I assume you know.

 

Why are you trying to make a baby with a barely employed, drug dealing, drug taking, woman beater? Is the plan you work to support him getting stoned & taking care of your child?

 

I'm very confused but not as much as you seem to be! These are real people's lives you're playing with. Having a small penis doesn't make your H deserve being betrayed & cheated into financing another mans child.

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