Jump to content

My wife says she might have cheated


Recommended Posts

My wife and I have been fighting a little bit because of issues with my ex (and mother of my child) dating my friend. That's a whole different issue. She said she might have cheated on me but can't remember.

 

We have been together for 4 years, dated for 1 year and married for 3. A few months into our relationship she went to a fair with a girl friend. That friend brought 2 guys with her. One of the guys was really into my wife. They held hands most of the time (a few hours) and she "is pretty sure" he kissed her but can't remember for sure. She enjoyed the time with him and he gave her his number and she intended on calling him but she lost the number. Doesn't even remember his name and never saw him again.

 

She says it was so long ago that she can't remember all the details, or if there was even kissing. She said she completely forgot it even happened eventually. To me, kiss or no kiss, it's cheating. She held hands with him for hours, thoroughly enjoyed herself and intended to contact him again.

 

But it was years ago and a one day thing. It's not something to get worked up about, right? Just leave it in the past?

 

We are having other issues so I don't want to downplay it or make too big a deal out of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bathtub-row

If the two of you were just dating and weren't exclusive, then I'd say it's no big deal. But if the two of you were exclusive at the time, then it's not a small thing at all. If that's the case, then whatever else she did that she "can't remember", she betrayed you.

 

She can call it whatever she wants to call it, but I'm guessing that if you had done that, you'd never hear the end of it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
My wife and I have been fighting a little bit because of issues with my ex (and mother of my child) dating my friend. That's a whole different issue. She said she might have cheated on me but can't remember.

 

We have been together for 4 years, dated for 1 year and married for 3. A few months into our relationship she went to a fair with a girl friend. That friend brought 2 guys with her. One of the guys was really into my wife. They held hands most of the time (a few hours) and she "is pretty sure" he kissed her but can't remember for sure. She enjoyed the time with him and he gave her his number and she intended on calling him but she lost the number. Doesn't even remember his name and never saw him again.

 

She says it was so long ago that she can't remember all the details, or if there was even kissing. She said she completely forgot it even happened eventually. To me, kiss or no kiss, it's cheating. She held hands with him for hours, thoroughly enjoyed herself and intended to contact him again.

 

But it was years ago and a one day thing. It's not something to get worked up about, right? Just leave it in the past?

 

We are having other issues so I don't want to downplay it or make too big a deal out of it.

 

Leave it in the past. Fact that she brought it up and was honest about it just shows that she is truthful and not hiding her past mistakes. She didn't ever have to tell you about it....

 

I think you're reacting too because things are a bit rocky right now and fact that your ex is dating a friend of yours maybe has emotions (for both of you) shaken up.

 

Why is it causing issues between you two? Did you two get together in a healthy way or was it you left your marriage to be with your current wife? Just wondering about the back history and your dynamic with ex and how a blended family has been working since you two got married.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm wondering why she told you. Surely it's would have been wiser to leave this dead and buried....

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

irrespective if she cheated at that time ;

I believe the more serious problem now is that you are not bonding .

may be she did , may be she is just bragging to let you know she can get another male easily .

 

the problem the way I see it is that there is is deeper issues in your marriage now.

 

a cheater will cheat any time the opportunity comes ; but normal ppl refrain from doing it when an opportunity come ; I give an example in 15 years in my marriage I used to refrain from cheating despite the fact that I got tremenduous opportunities.

 

having a rocky marriage now , i feel more vulnerable now , though i didn't cross the dge yet .

 

what I want to say here ; if you really love each other , forget about such an incidence , otherwise , u are wastin g your time .

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted

At best, she's minimizing. At worst, lying. Everyone remembers who they hook up with.

 

 

Unless it's Bill Cosby.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
At best, she's minimizing. At worst, lying. Everyone remembers who they hook up with.

 

 

Unless it's Bill Cosby.

 

Agreed.

 

I think his wife is full of crap. She knows if she cheated or not.

 

And there would be no reason to bring it up if she hadn't.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Would you consider marriage counseling? It sounds like you could use some help with the issues you're facing.

 

My guess is that she's always felt guilty about the incident, especially now that she is upset about you wondering what to do about your ex being cheated on. So she confessed, but pretended not to remember exactly what happened. People usually admit to less than what they did to absolve their guilt but minimize the chances that you'll remain mad. If she "might have" kissed him, then yes, she kissed him, and perhaps more. Regardless, she traipsed around holding hands with this guy all day, which clearly isn't OK.

 

Also, what's up with this friend thinking her actions were OK?

 

Most importantly, why didn't your wife have better boundaries and judgment? Can you trust her boundaries and judgment today?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, as you said, you may not want "to downplay it or make too big a deal out of it", but I'd advise you not to forget it.

It shows something about your wife's character that you probably should be aware of.

Also, she considers holding hands okay but kissing is cheating??

Link to post
Share on other sites
Honourably honest

It's in the past and she would have remembered having sex. It's a complete non event, so keep it in the past and work on the present.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
jellybean824

Regardless of how little or how much happened, this can be seen as a breach of trust, so it's natural to be concerned. It wasn't clear if the incident happened before or after you were married. Regardless, this issue needs a little more attention. You mentioned there are "other issues" going on, so this might feel like too much on your plate. Are you and/or your wife agreeable to counseling? It will give you a chance to talk with someone objective about issues like this that can be so emotionally charged. Hoping & praying for resolution and strengthening of your relationship,

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We were exclusive at the time. We saw each other non-exclusively for a couple years prior to becoming exclusive. This happened a couple months after becoming exclusive.

 

I met my wife while I was with my ex. I didn't physically cheat on my ex, but probably crossed the line with flirting, being into her, etc. I ended things with my ex because of my wife, and things in the relationship that led me to my wife.

 

My wife doesn't like me to talk to my ex or see my ex unless it involves my child. She thinks that with my ex dating a friend/co-worker of mine I'll be spending more time with her.

 

I don't like my ex dating my friend because I want to keep her separate from the rest of my life. I don't want to be with my ex, I don't feel anything at all towards her (romantically). For me it doesn't compromise my marriage, but for my wife it does.

 

My wife said she told me about this because she just remembered. She said she had completely forgotten about it. In her defense, she has a really bad memory. She doesn't remember why she didn't tell me right after it happened.

 

She told me right after I told her that I would never cheat on her. She basically said "Speaking of cheating...".

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would let it go, but ultimately how you feel about it is what it is. A lot of very happy couples had minor indescretions while rhey were dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete
She doesn't remember why she didn't tell me right after it happened.

And you believe this? I think it's pretty obvious. It's the same reason most cheaters don't tell their partner: because they don't want to get dumped for cheating.

 

I think she's using her "bad memory" to minimize and excuse her cheating, whilst relieving her guilty conscience by trickle-truthing you with a watered-down confession. Almost certainly they kissed. Do you really believe a guy who has been holding hands with a woman all day at a fair will not go for a kiss at some point? If she had rejected him, she would have told you that rather than claiming "bad memory". And if they had not kissed, there would be no guilty conscience, and no reason for her to mention it after all this time.

 

If she was honest and told you about the kiss then I would find it easier to forgive since it was a long time ago and apparently didn't go any further than that. But continuing to cover it up using this "bad memory" excuse, would be a much bigger issue for me. I would call her out on this, and tell her that a "bad memory" over this event is simply not plausible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let your ex be your ex. Not someone whose love life concerns you. Not to be nasty but she may have too much space in your head.

 

Is your friend someonei who would be a negative influence on a child? If so why is he your friend? Wold you rather have your ex dating someone from online that you didn't know?

 

If your wife is being truthful her "infidelity" was far more benign that most instances that lead a BH or BBf to post.

 

Your main concern seems to be with ex and your friend. Ask yourself why this is so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams

I would think after this short amount of time...she would know what transpired...unless she was under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time.

 

I would also venture to say...at the time she may not have felt she was cheating.....simply by her definition of the word.

 

She may also be rethinking that definition and simply asking your opinion of her actions at the time.

 

I don't think any of this is necessarily threatening to your present relationship unless you make it more of a big deal than it truly is.

 

I tend to have the mindset...that what is in the past...pre marraige...should probably stay there. Her actions since marriage should be what you judge her character on.

 

Has she been faithful...has she been "present" in the marriage....does she put your needs before her own...is she loving and respectful?

 

You certainly cannot wipe from your memory what she has now shared with you....but I would not dwell on it and make it the focal point of the relationship now.

 

If there are problems...they should take front and center...Address those issues.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

She knows she crossed the line. Her problem, for some reason she thinks you will find out or have found out about her actions. Is the guy back in the area? Has someone else found out about her cheating and may tell you? She is trying to find out what you know so she can protect herself.

 

 

Keep our number handy, you may need to call us again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't buy her story of not remembering at all. Regardless of that .... at the time she was holding his hand and kissing or not kissing him ... she knew she had a boyfriend. So she crossed the line and she knows it.

 

I have to question why her friend would bring along 2 guys..... knowing your GF was with you. I reckon the whole thing was planned and YES she knows she kissed him.

 

She's insecure right now because you were with your Ex when you met her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Honourably honest

I think this has the chance of blowing up into something it definitely isn't. Get on with the rest of your life, don't look back. Yes she messed up, but she wasn't intimate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel

I am pretty sure that she knows what happened and phrased it in such a way that gives her the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I would take it that it happened, but in saying so I agree with Mrs John Adams that this was before you were married and early in the relationship. Additionally, she did confess (sort of) and could have continued to hide the event altogether. This isn’t nothing and she should have confessed before you got married to be fair. However, I think that you guys probably have bigger fish to fry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Honourably honest

I agree. Time to put it into the rear view mirror.

Edited by Honourably honest
Link to post
Share on other sites

sounds like the old "trickle truth". SURE she can't remember! :laugh:

 

Keep asking her about it. Here story will probably change, eventually revealing more and more of what she really did with this guy, and possible subsequent meetings with him.

 

It is her minds way of soothing her guilty feeling to tell you something, but not the whole truth which would shock you and maybe cause a divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton

Does what we think really matter? I mean, ultimately, it either bothers you or it doesn't. If we say it should or shouldn't bother you won't change if it does or doesn't. Would you honestly say "Well, I thought it was cheating, but I asked people on the internet and half of them said it wasn't, so now it doesn't bother me anymore"? Probably not.

 

Personally, I've had relationships (when I was 18) where we were "exclusive" in that we with each other most of the time, kind of lived together, but neither one of us thought we were getting married and therefore did go out with other people here and there on equally non-serious "dates." When you're 18, 19, 20 and in a relationship you're not sure if you're serious about, I tend to think that's what you do.

 

I've also had relationships where we were exclusive and we thought it was going somewhere, so if one or the other even looked at somebody of the opposite sex for too long, accusations of "you cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattted!" were chucked about, but in reality, we weren't really. We knew we were exclusive to see if going further committed (like living together officially) was something we wanted, not because we were basically pre-married. If one or the other decided it didn't work, neither would have been surprised. In that situation, even there it's hard to say what she did was "cheating."

 

With my eventual first husband, we were along those lines of being exclusive, thinking we'd eventually get married, and thus acting married, so anything like what your now-wife did would for sure cross a line. But that was because we were together, we knew marriage was coming, and that's how we acted.

 

It's hard to know, without knowing you or your relationship, exactly what the dynamic was or what the situation was. And ultimately, it doesn't matter. If you think it's a problem, regardless of what we think, you have to deal with it.

 

As far as the ex goes, again, it all depends. If your ex could give two bananas about if you exist or not and she just happens to be dating a co-worker, then whatever. It's not a big deal. If your ex is still into you and is dating the co-worker as a means to get closer to you and interject herself into your life, well, then your wife (and you) should be asking a few questions and setting up ground rules. Speaking from the department of "been there, done that," it'll cause stress, which is the intention.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...