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HurtHusband

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HurtHusband

Ok lots of people here are familiar with my story. If your not than I will explain briefly ( Married, two kids (6 and 4 ) about 20 months ago wife confessed/ was having affair with my best friend/ was also pregnant. 1 week previously initiated sex with me for the first time in almost 3 yrs. ( I always wanted/she did'nt.. Claimed most couples here are sexless and made excuses

 

 

As one poster said here (she only wants to shag me when she's pregnant with another guys child and wants to trick me.. Sad.. .. Blame shifting/ OM seduced her ( hmmm every Wednesday for two months in a short time hotel while she said she was at the gym ?? / than told her to **** me and pretend it was mine.

 

Brief hysterical bonding/ 1 month later an abortion ( surreal, I waited in the car with our kids..she showed no emotion and was so normal afterwards you'd think she had just come from the dentist.)

 

 

1 month later gets in touch with another guy she met in 2009 ( we married in 2010 ) he is married with 2 kids and lives in the US. This EA goes on by text until the present / 1-2 mails a month / but flirty/ no doubt about intention ' heart marks .. They mail Valentine days gifts to each other ( to his work address, and he is a PO .( he is planning a work trip over here, and she is leading him on, she asked him to visit as soon as I went home briefly mast ye with one of our kids ) Want to go on dates etc typical fantasy BS.

But shows no remorse, I am in limbo and she will cheat again for sure...

 

 

I live in a country in ASIA with no visitation rights / divorce and only 1 parent ( legally) gets the kids. Possession = custody. Talked to two lawyers! One said.. You could leave with the kids/ other one said, just be careful she doesn't take the kids while your at work.. WTF??? That's it!?!

 

In a sense there is no law/ also no alimony / one person takes the kids, the other than just walks or if amicable they negotiate..

 

 

So, we are all most likely going back ( home country in Europe ) at the end of June. If I don't make a move, nothing will change. Everything has been rug swept. A HUGE part of it is because I love the kids. And divorce here means me legally losing my parental rights. That's what kept me bolted to the floor.. I personally know 2 dozen 'left behind parents' who have not seen their kids in years... I do not want to be in their shoes.. May/may not happen to me here... But it depends in the whims of the custodial parent.

 

I am sick of thinking about this. I feel bad about any future distress and hurt the kids will feel about our impending breakup. But I have been on an emotional roller coaster working 3 jobs and providing and dealing with my hurt emotions. She did not want to go to marriage counseling and said she's fine, and I should go by myself. She hard 'threatened' me with divorce in the past / it's stupid cause she has no job and would need me but also said I could only see the kids once a month. She has me 'over a barrel' here, so I don't fancy my odds here. Even if it's amicable to begin with, things change and she might have some new guy in a years time. I have no rights do I can't do **** if she suddenly blocks me.

 

 

I mainly want to hear people thoughts about How to break up.

She is the cause of all this, no use talking to her unless she can acknowledge that fact.

 

Also she doesn't know that I know all about her EA/ her texts are very damning. ( I have all the evidence ) she can't deny it / it's all there / I know her initial reaction will be anger/ hostility/ she has hit me in the past /

 

I thought maybe give her a copy of one of her texts ( "I don't want any present for Christmas, only You!!" That one springs to mind)

 

a divorce paper and than be a safe distance away with the kids while she goes ballistic.... )

Edited by HurtHusband
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Do nothing till you are back in Europe.

Keep the peace.

Let her suspect nothing.

YOU can then enter into a fairer divorce settlement.

 

If you honestly think there is a chance she will take the kids, then you have to act before it is too late.

 

You pack up the kids and take the first flight home and let her fight you for them.

 

OR YOU become the custodial parent by fleeing with the kids to some other part of the country ASAP.

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If you do get everyone back to Europe, see a lawyer fairly quickly to clarify your situation. Depending on the country there may be a waiting period before you can safely initiate divorce i.e get to stay there with kids. Its called habitual residence or something like that. Basically the courts want your children to remain where they habitually reside. So you might need about six months residence there first. So if you can manage it, take a long term view, quietly move family back home, get your affairs in order, and then proceed. Its better for the kids this way, stay calm, make plans.

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Jersey born raised

The other posters are right to advise you not to react by confronting her.

You react by first reading the divorce laws and custody laws in the country you will be lving in.

 

Bottom line: your marriage is a sham and will end in either in then country you current live in or the future country which offers you better terms. The only question is how much custody of your children you want.

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HurtHusband

Things are calm and we never argue or anything like that. In this country, you sign a piece of paper and 2. Months later you get a notice and then that's it your done. The problem here is ( legally ) shared custody does not exist. So what I think would happen is, I'd move out/ expose her behavior/ we get divorced. She'd promise to behave and I'd let her see the kids. As soon as I do that, she keeps them and tells me to F-off! I imagine she would be livid at me for trying to get one over her. The lawyer ( an American with 30+ yrs experience just did not think me making a move here was a good idea)

 

Nothing is enforceable here and I'd end up getting arrested cause I'm a foreigner and she's an innocent victim and the kids want mommy.

 

If we go back and she wants to fight me than no way in hell are the kids coming back here/ I will claim abuse. She has a temper and when stressed has a habit of hitting the children on the top of the head which I repeatedly told her not to do. She once got so stressed she went to the doctor for medicine and told me matter of factly to 'do something' or else she will 'kill or abuse' our eldest.

 

She has no extended family ( only a mother who she stopped talking to) the kids want to see their grandmother who lives 5 minutes drive away but whatever happened/ she won't go there. Just like that and no explanation when I ask her about it.. They never got on great anyway.

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By Hurt Husband

She has a temper and when stressed has a habit of hitting the children on the top of the head

 

she went to the doctor for medicine and told me matter of factly to 'do something' or else she will 'kill or abuse' our eldest

.

Do you have all this DOCUMENTED? If not then why not?

Why have you allowed this for over 5 years?

Do not allow yourself to be a door mat!

 

You have a solution to your terrible situation. In June when you all go to Europe you take legal action, with the documentation of your wife's child abuse, to get custody of the children and get rid of your disturbed wife that has no respect for you at all. You have to put up with your situation for less than 3 months then you can take action and be much better off.

 

 

You earn all the money and she has no income so there is no reason that you do not take action for the betterment of you and your children.

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absolutely do not give her any indication you know about her communication with the OM and absolutely do not give her any indication of your plans in any way.

 

 

She is evil and is a lot more cunning and clever than you and will go to great depths to get one over on you.

 

 

Your only assets are the element of surprise and information that she doesn't know you have (or she knows and just doesn't care because she knows she has you over the barrel)

 

 

She already has you outgunned so don't give her any more information.

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HurtHusband

I came home from work last week and she told me that she 'punched' our 6 yo on the head three time because she couldn't remember a short dance routine she has to remember for cheerleading class.

 

Punched? Slapped? How hard?? I didn't witness it. The child seemed fine. I have seen her slap the kids on the head 5-6 times at home and outside in the last so many months. Of course the kid bursts into tears and it hurts initially...

 

 

told her it's not ok, slap them on the ass but don't touch their head. She might think 'it's nothing' but young kids brains are still developing, it's cumulative, you can't see a bruise on a kids head but semi frequently over extended periods of time?

 

' I was stressed' is no excuse. Or else it's 'well you do something'. I work almost everyday, I don't doubt that she has hit them a lot more than I have witnessed as I am at work every weekday evening until late.

 

 

I can write down how often it happens and I talk to our eldest as I drive her to school in the morning... According to her mommys 'angry a lot' when I'm not there. She studies with them/ cooks dinner/ bath time/ the kids are taken care of. But I don't think it's acceptable to hit small children on the head. If I tell her don't do it, but it continues to happen than what... ?

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By Hurt Husband

told her it's not ok, slap them on the ass but don't touch their head. She might think 'it's nothing' but young kids brains are still developing, it's cumulative, you can't see a bruise on a kids head but semi frequently over extended periods of time?

 

 

I can write down how often it happens and I talk to our eldest as I drive her to school in the morning... According to her mommys 'angry a lot' when I'm not there. She studies with them/ cooks dinner/ bath time/ the kids are taken care of. But I don't think it's acceptable to hit small children on the head. If I tell her don't do it, but it continues to happen than what... ?

There are things that you can do that you are not doing now. There are videos and voice recorders, etc. You can find a way to protect your children even if means that you get outside help. You are the only protector of your children right now so get going and do something! If you are a door mat then get someone involved that can stop your twisted wife from harming your children.

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I don't think hitting children is taken quite as seriously in Asian cultures. They view it as discipline. I know someone from Vietnam ( now in her 30s) and her mom had her naked outside the house in the cold at 8 years old. She would throw her down the stairs and just say "it's how my mom beat me"

 

HH - I hate kids not seeing one parent ... but your wife is awful and I wish you could leave there with the kids and relocate to another part of the world with new identities and never see her again.

 

I know it's not the right thing.. but I just feel she's humiliated you with what she's done.

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Honourably honest

I remember reading your posts quite a while back. You've titled this again in a dramatic way.

You did nothing back then, and here we are going round the same buoy again. You were well advised back the, nothing has changed so what do you want us to say again?

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ShatteredLady

I've given advice before. I REALLY think you need to install 'nanny cams' (secret cameras so you can record & keep evidence of her behavior AND get your family to a European (or USA) country where your rights will be protected.

 

I'd even be tempted to lie & say you have an AMAZING promotion just to get her into a country that respects fathers. She likes money doesn't she?

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Darren Steez
I remember reading your posts quite a while back. You've titled this again in a dramatic way.

You did nothing back then, and here we are going round the same buoy again. You were well advised back the, nothing has changed so what do you want us to say again?

 

196 posts. Maybe he just needs to vent. Dunno can't fathom that kind of inertia, but to each their own I guess.

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I am not familiar with Laws in the country you are in but what is to stop you from taking the kids and leaving the country without her?

 

Just a thought.

 

C

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GorillaTheater

 

 

So, we are all most likely going back ( home country in Europe ) at the end of June.

 

 

Okay, let's talk about this in more detail. How long will you be there? Long enough to establish a divorce court's jurisdiction? Have you put out any feelers to lawyers there?

 

 

This may be a golden opportunity. Time to come up with a plan and take the initial steps to implement it.

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HurtHusband

Thanks everyone for your comments..

 

We would go back for a month as a summer holiday to see family, just like we we have done in the past. Nothing unusual or out of the ordinary. I went home for 1 month last yr with our eldest and saw a lawyer.

 

Once back I will have to inform her that I know what she's up to / that I am unhappy and we need to divorce. She either accepts this reality or decides to fight me. I could have some divorce papers from this country and we can sign them and post them to the city hall. In my home country, I think we have to be resident there for a yr before we can legally divorce ( it may even be longer).

 

 

If she wants to physically take the kids from me/ she'd have to take me to court and issue an order within a year. It's costly and we would be better off using the money on the kids.

 

It would be better if we kept communication/ finalize our divorces and consider schools and the kids future.

 

I am not trying to take the kids from her/ but just ensure that they have a safe loving upbringing and their right to see BOTH parents is respected.. And living in a country with an absence of family law and zero rights for me / this is the only

Way I can make it happen... Kids need to go to school and have a normal environment / that won't work if we're both living in a siege mentality terrified that the other parent is going to run off..

 

She has said to me several times in the past 'Let's divorce'. So in light of her infidelity etc. I am just giving her what she wants..

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Doubt she'll just divorce.

When she'll figure out that you have evidence of her infidelities she'll beg and plead. Remember, no one wants to be the bad guy, or worst yet, embarrass the family with their selfish act.

 

I don't care how many times she said "let's divorce". Once it hits her, you're going to get an abundance of weird emotions coming out.

 

At the end, it will get vicious

 

Get ready.

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HurtHusband

Going back and going through mediation would maybe be my best option.

I know it will be very tough, I will have to set aside my anger and she is going to have to face up to what she has done and realize that her life is going to seriously change and I won't be her work horse anymore.

 

I don't think I can just 'suck it up'. I can't ignore what happened and be disrespected and have my emotions trampled on.

I have not seen any sign of genuine remorse, no begging or pleading for a second chance, no fighting for the sake of our marriage.

 

On the contrary "Let's divorce!" Is her weapon, her threat she can use over me to keep me in line, if she won't do mediation and deal fairly with me than goodluck all bets are off..I don't want it to be her or me, I will bend over backwards to keep the kids happy and ensure they see both of us. But I will not just give up my kids. She will have to make a huge effort/ own up to what she has done and agree to my terms/ or else

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Going back and going through mediation would maybe be my best option.

I know it will be very tough, I will have to set aside my anger and she is going to have to face up to what she has done and realize that her life is going to seriously change and I won't be her work horse anymore.

 

I don't think I can just 'suck it up'. I can't ignore what happened and be disrespected and have my emotions trampled on.

I have not seen any sign of genuine remorse, no begging or pleading for a second chance, no fighting for the sake of our marriage.

 

On the contrary "Let's divorce!" Is her weapon, her threat she can use over me to keep me in line, if she won't do mediation and deal fairly with me than goodluck all bets are off..I don't want it to be her or me, I will bend over backwards to keep the kids happy and ensure they see both of us. But I will not just give up my kids. She will have to make a huge effort/ own up to what she has done and agree to my terms/ or else

 

 

 

This is like France saying they need to go back to the negotiation table with Hitler while the whole Nazi army is rolling down the streets of Paris.

 

 

Your wife is evil and she has evil intent. An evil person cannot be mediated into doing good.

 

 

You have two options here. One is to completely surrender and take whatever torture she wants to put you through.

 

 

Or fight back to win and risk making her mad and hurting her feelings in the process.

 

 

Hitler was upset as the allies were coming in to Berlin and even in the end he did not admit wrongdoing and mend his wicked ways. He was defeated by force and he put a bullet in his head rather than do the right thing. That is what evil people do when they are defeated.

 

 

Defeat her or let her defeat and dictate to you. Those are your choices. Mediation and her doing the right things are not options available to you.

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dreamingoftigers
Going back and going through mediation would maybe be my best option.

I know it will be very tough, I will have to set aside my anger and she is going to have to face up to what she has done and realize that her life is going to seriously change and I won't be her work horse anymore.

 

I don't think I can just 'suck it up'. I can't ignore what happened and be disrespected and have my emotions trampled on.

I have not seen any sign of genuine remorse, no begging or pleading for a second chance, no fighting for the sake of our marriage.

 

On the contrary "Let's divorce!" Is her weapon, her threat she can use over me to keep me in line, if she won't do mediation and deal fairly with me than goodluck all bets are off..I don't want it to be her or me, I will bend over backwards to keep the kids happy and ensure they see both of us. But I will not just give up my kids. She will have to make a huge effort/ own up to what she has done and agree to my terms/ or else

 

No, you don't mediate with an adulterer who has already proven completely untrustworthy. Very foolish.

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No, you don't mediate with an adulterer who has already proven completely untrustworthy. Very foolish.

 

 

 

Very foolish, very naïve, very unrealistic, very weak and very irresponsible.

 

 

Capitulating to evil is a form of evil.

 

 

Negotiating with evil (ie mediation with an evil person) is indulging evil.

 

 

 

 

Defeat it or let it rule you.

 

 

Those are your options. She will not negotiate with you in good faith because she is not good. She will use mediation as an opportunity to manipulate and deceive and institute her evil works because she is an evil person.

 

 

Compromising with her compromises yourself and makes you an accessory of bad yourself.

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I am not familiar with Laws in the country you are in but what is to stop you from taking the kids and leaving the country without her?

 

Just a thought.

 

C

That's not the plan? Okay, just kidding - I think I've read everything though some passages were less clear than others. Essentially, it just seems more complicated than it needs to be. I thought I understood this as one of the plans - go, stay and let her do whatever she wants until you can legally start divorce proceedings.

 

But what's to stop her taking them back with her? It just sounds like money will continue to be the most powerful card you have to play...

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HH, YOU are still wasting your time and life with this wicked soul you call wife. Worst, you are thinking of mediation. She is not your problem and the legal system in Japan who wherever you are is not you problem. You are your own greatest enemy.

 

You are too weak and incapable of taking any serious action against her.

Even if you move to Europe, Africa or America, she will find another OM and cheat on you and nothing will happen because you have loose your manliness. She have completely castrated you and have zero respect for you. you will always compromise where ever her indiscretion is involved because you can always cover your weakness with excuses, justification.

 

The dead line you set for your self was 1, January, 2016. We are now in 15, April 2016 In my own part of the world. What have you done to change your situation for the better?

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Honourably honest

I agree. HH you are playing the victim here. Set yourself a course of action, do not deviate and you will be helping yourself. You are the only person that can do this, the words you are reading on your screen are just words, action is what you do. Please don't be one of life's victims, you can do this.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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HurtHusband

Thanks everyone for the advice..

 

The CC bill is a lot this month. More than last month. I challenged her about this and she went off on a tangent saying ' you have no idea how stressful it is every day with two kids and how she needs to spend money ' I leave money there almost everyday for groceries, or for the kids etc. But apparently this is not enough. The kids go to private school which costs me a lot. That's my goal to work and pay for their schooling not bloody CC bills.

 

 

Than she said very bluntly ' I DONT LOVE YOU' I ask her why? She says "I don't know" also she claims it's stressful living in the same house as someone you don't love.. I felt bad that our 6 yo was standing nearby listening to all this.. So I remained calm and did not get too excited. She also said 'YOU don't love me either!!' Well that's true I don't but what the hell does she expect?

 

I know our marriage is a sham but it was very raw moment. Of course by her actions I know she doesn't love me..but I never heard her say it like that before.. we were just going through the motions and looking after the kids and for her to say it so strongly...

That's still a shock...

 

Her mother is incapable of minding two kids for just afew hrs one evening a week or she's busy with some sort of class. Ditto for her doing afew hours of pt work. I offered to take an evening off work and take the kids swimming so that she can go out and take a break...but in reality I was just humoring her.....

 

I want to be gone ' yesterday' and than she wont have the stress of child care or living with me a man she does not love. I work almost everyday and pay for everything.. It feels weird that she wants me to pay a 2k monthly cc bill and in the same breath is spelling out how she does not love me... I am sort of speechless now...

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