What now? She cheated and I'm left devastated

[SamMish1]

First off I'd like to say that this website has helped me a lot since I have no one else to turn to - thank you all for sharing.

 

My wife and I have a very tight crew of friends and we're all too close for me to open up and expect their full trust. We also live in a small town where information moves faster than the speed of sound. Im ashamed, embarrassed and dont want it to be open season on me or my family.

 

Weeks ago I discovered a few emails that my wife has been sending to a random person on the web detailing a crush she had on someone from work. Apparently she befriended some lady through twitter and they've been sharing stories of their illicit activities behind their husbands back.

 

It was only a few emails but they span 8 months with my wife discussing how shes pursuing this guy and trying very hard to **** him, with graphic details.

 

Pumped with rage, shock and betrayal I immediately confront her. The next couple of days we go through the typical motions of her denying everything, me presenting proof, her blaming it all on me etc..

 

She claims it was all emotional and never physical, even when she describes it otherwise in the emails... afterall, why would she lie to a total stranger?

What I really think is, she knows I would eventually forgive an EA but a PA would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

This followed by her sitting me down and being 'fully open' with me, giving me a sincere talk about how she wants things to change between us (only after she got caught) and crying for a few days feeling ****ty about what she's done. We had an incredible 2 weeks where was she great to me and had more sex than ever. Now, this week it seems like we're back to scheduled programming and its eating me up.

 

She would BARELY admit certain details, even after I present proof - and there's no way I'll ever get the full story out of her as shes proven to be a pathological liar. She claims she hasnt spoken to him in a very long time and very rarely met in person, only for work reasons.

 

I have decided to forgive and forget, mostly due for our child as I dont want her growing up in a broken home. At the same time, her story doesnt line up and I NEED to know all the details before I put it to rest.

 

In addition to all this, I'm a very revengous person and I cant just let some ******* try to **** my wife and let it go. I havent confronted him at all but I have come up with 2 ways for me to satisfy this crave. 1. Wait a few months till all this blows over then show up in a ski mask & bat as he leaves his office and beat him to a pulp. 2. Keep it simple and tell his wife. He ruined my relationship, only fair I ruin his.

 

Plus I have taken off my ring and almost on the prowl to get even with my wife and have an affair of my own.

 

Any help here would be appreciated.

[Mr. Lucky]

For obvious reasons, you don't want to compound your wife's bad choices with your own. Assault and revenge affairs are nice fantasies and that's where they should remain.

 

I wouldn't stay under the circumstances you describe, you'd have a better chance of providing a healthy atmosphere for your child as a single parent.

 

You're in for a bumpy ride. Some advance planning and advice from a good attorney would be smart steps at this point. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

In order to know what's real is suggest a polygraph for your wife. It may be the only way to squeeze out her truth.

 

But then again there is no foundation for the marriage when there's no honesty and no trust.

 

 

A counselor may be able to help with boundary issues with all your "friends" and your wife's crossing those boundaries.

 

I don't support battery - you could end up in jail.

 

If info gives evidence that the guy cheated with your wife then expose to his wife. Exposure tends to help more truth come out.

 

Why you would want to stay is beyond me - unless it's just your wife typing out her fantasies... Which it could be a possibility.

 

If it's real - then you really don't have a marriage - you just happen to be with a gal that disrespects and disregards you. Why stay? It would be a poor example for your daughter.

[Marc878]

First of all your wife is the culprit here not the other man. If he participated I'd definitely expose to his wife. You'll need some evidence.

 

If you rugsweep this itll just get worse. You have a couple options.

 

check your phone bill to determine if they've been or are still in contact. If you go online you should see a lot of calls, texts to a certain number.

 

You can do a deleted text recovery off her phone or the PC if she sincs it.

 

Another option is a Voice Activated Recoder in her car to collect any phone conversations if you feel they are still in contact.

 

Whatever you do don't confront without evidence. I assume you saved what you found?

 

Assault is the worst idea you could have. Jail time, losing custody in a divorce. The list is long here.

 

A polygraph may be your best bet if you don't satisfy yourself with the above results.

[Furious]

First off I'd like to say that this website has helped me a lot since I have no one else to turn to - thank you all for sharing.

 

My wife and I have a very tight crew of friends and we're all too close for me to open up and expect their full trust. We also live in a small town where information moves faster than the speed of sound. Im ashamed, embarrassed and dont want it to be open season on me or my family.

 

Weeks ago I discovered a few emails that my wife has been sending to a random person on the web detailing a crush she had on someone from work. Apparently she befriended some lady through twitter and they've been sharing stories of their illicit activities behind their husbands back.

 

It was only a few emails but they span 8 months with my wife discussing how shes pursuing this guy and trying very hard to **** him, with graphic details.

 

Pumped with rage, shock and betrayal I immediately confront her. The next couple of days we go through the typical motions of her denying everything, me presenting proof, her blaming it all on me etc..

 

She claims it was all emotional and never physical, even when she describes it otherwise in the emails... afterall, why would she lie to a total stranger?

What I really think is, she knows I would eventually forgive an EA but a PA would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

This followed by her sitting me down and being 'fully open' with me, giving me a sincere talk about how she wants things to change between us (only after she got caught) and crying for a few days feeling ****ty about what she's done. We had an incredible 2 weeks where was she great to me and had more sex than ever. Now, this week it seems like we're back to scheduled programming and its eating me up.

 

She would BARELY admit certain details, even after I present proof - and there's no way I'll ever get the full story out of her as shes proven to be a pathological liar. She claims she hasnt spoken to him in a very long time and very rarely met in person, only for work reasons.

 

I have decided to forgive and forget, mostly due for our child as I dont want her growing up in a broken home. At the same time, her story doesnt line up and I NEED to know all the details before I put it to rest.

 

In addition to all this, I'm a very revengous person and I cant just let some ******* try to **** my wife and let it go. I havent confronted him at all but I have come up with 2 ways for me to satisfy this crave. 1. Wait a few months till all this blows over then show up in a ski mask & bat as he leaves his office and beat him to a pulp. 2. Keep it simple and tell his wife. He ruined my relationship, only fair I ruin his.

 

Plus I have taken off my ring and almost on the prowl to get even with my wife and have an affair of my own.

 

Any help here would be appreciated.

 

 

Violence and revenge is NOT the answer.

 

The shock you're experiencing and the cheap forgiveness you offered your wife is the real issue you need to deal with.

 

It's understandable that your initial response was to save your marriage for your child's well being. It's a huge delimma to protect a family unit beyond the cost of trying to patch it up in fear of the unknown future.

 

It's bizarre but a WS losses even more respect for their spouse for offering them cheap forgiveness. If you had packed her bags and sent them to the other man's house with a note that she's all his now, would have snapped the fantasy from the reality quite quickly. Your wife only see's you are a doormat who reaffirms how special she is.

 

Take a deep breath and think with your brain and not your emotions. Dig deep into self control and calm. Let her go and reclaim your dignity.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If you're going to save your marriage your wife needs to face consequences. First for lying to you and second for cheating. Otherwise she'll probably do the same again, with the way you describe her.

 

Be very kind to her but draw distinct boundaries around your person.

 

At the very least sleep in another bedroom for now. She needs to realize that she has assaulted you and the marriage by lying and cheating.

 

I would go to counseling to figure out how to handle it best.

[EverySunset]

Violence and revenge is NOT the answer.

 

It's bizarre but a WS losses even more respect for their spouse for offering them cheap forgiveness. If you had packed her bags and sent them to the other man's house with a note that she's all his now, would have snapped the fantasy from the reality quite quickly. Your wife only see's you are a doormat who reaffirms how special she is.

 

Take a deep breath and think with your brain and not your emotions. Dig deep into self control and calm. Let her go and reclaim your dignity.

 

This is gold.

 

I did this. I didn't realize it was cheap forgiveness, I thought it was ultimate sacrifice, to stay with someone and give them another chance, for the sake of our love and our children. He didn't see it that way. So he cheated on me again. And again. And again. Ad infinitum, until I caught him again and left.

 

Ironically, he made four huge and separate attempts to get me back after I left him. By then I didn't care and stayed gone.

[BuddyX]

Everything you described is text book. The sex your wife gave you was just to throw you off the scent. Yes, there's more to the story she's not telling you.

 

Great advice here.

Tell her, full transparency with cell phone, email, social media. If she cries foul, RUN. Also, VAR in the car is a great idea. Most people are vaulnerble in the car. If she's in contact it will be in the car.

 

Def a No on the voilence. But I'm not against telling his Wife. Main reason behind it, if your wife comes back to you and asked you "why did you do it?" Then you know they're still talking.

[aliveagain]

The very first thing you should do is expose the affair to his wife, she may have information that you don't and he may confess to her in an attempt to save his marriage. She needs to change jobs, they can not work together(a consequence of her actions). You both need to get tested for STD's, no unprotected sex with her until you do. Take caution, you wouldn't be the first betrayed husband on LS to find out his wife became pregnant in an attempt to hold on to him. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights and the rights of your child, you still don't know how deep the rabbit hole is yet so prepare yourself for the worst because it's always worse then they confess to.

 

Your need to find out why your wife would risk her marriage to pursue him because it's clear she is the aggressor. The email trail is 8 months, but her plan to pursue him goes back further then 8 months as her feelings for him must have been building before she consciously chose to act. A condition of any reconciliation should be that she gets independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat. Protect your child, staying married to a unremorseful cheating spouse doesn't fall into that category. Often the threat of a polygraph is enough to get you a full confession.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Sorry this is happening to you. Eight months is a long time for a woman fixated on sex to pursue a man without consummation of the relationship. Frankly, eight days is a long time.

 

I'd wager the pair had a sexual relationship going on for a while, regardless of what she says.

 

Oh and no violence. Never met a woman that's worth that.

[aliveagain]

Friend, she has told the other man that you know about their affair. The other man and your wife are busy getting their stories strait most likely with the help of the woman on twitter who she has shared her infidelity stories with. Remember, you caught her, she never confessed, her feelings for O/M don't just disappear overnight. You have written proof of her infidelity, she's been bragging about it with her twitter friend. You also have proof her friend has been cheating on her husband, he needs to be told. The onus is on your wife to prove to your satisfaction that she hasn't been physical with her boyfriend. Cheating is cheating, emotional or physical. Cheaters are also liars, the two go hand in hand because it takes a lot of planning to cheat. There are things far worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

 

Please google the 180, the 180 is a series of behaviours to help a betrayed spouse get through infidelity. One of the side effects of the 180 is the behaviour makes you look stronger then you may really be feeling, looking stronger is a very attractive trait. Be clear in what you require in order for reconciliation to start, transparency, copies of all communications between the three of them, independent counselling, all STD testing(the humiliation factor is a future deterrent and an instant reality of the seriousness of the situation). You may want to invest in a VAR(voice activated recorder) and attach it with the use of a strong Velcro under one of the front seats of her car. The car is where most wayward spouses communicate with their affair partners. Get one that is quiet and has a long battery life, they cost about $40-$60 at BestBuy or RadioShack. Believe her actions and not what she says, cheaters are liars. Decide if your marriage is more important then her job, if it is she needs to quit immediately because there is no way in he*l they can continue working together if you expect your marriage to survive.

[Honourably honest]

Don't risk prison....it's definitely not the answer. As for telling his wife, well she doesn't deserve it any more than you. I'd put the heat on the guy, by telling him you are going to tell her. Maybe even go to his house to ask for directions. Let him think you are stalking him, get him nervous and destroy him that way.

[Jersey born raised]

Actually there is a great discussion on this forum for the 180. Understand the 180 is for you to detach from her. If she follows fine, if not fine. How did she find this woman? At a forum like this one? There is a sub-forum for Waywards here. The "she" might actually be her OM. Here is the 180 (it is actually pinned at the top of this sub-forum. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Remember polite and diplomatic. Start by turning down sex and asking for time and space to think. While doing that see a lawyer and get your action plan firmed up. A poster calked this the "mike"

 

 

Dropping the mike (I dud not write, posted by another)*

 

 

Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

 

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

 

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

 

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped

 

 

Advise giving is only as good as info it is based on. Do you have children, rough ages of you, your wife, children (if any). Ratio of income each of you contributes to the family finances.

 

Are you close with you and her family. If so you need to expose to her family first. This is a very good discussion on the how and why Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

 

Be well and stay in touch

Edited April 10, 2016 by Jersey born raised
Provide wrong link

[whichwayisup]

Tell his wife. She has a right to know.

 

As for your wife, until she's truly remorseful and stops blaming you, admits everything and comes clean (any lies is worse than the truth), tell her you're talking to a lawyer (even if you don't, she doesn't need to know that) about divorcing. You'll see her change, that is if she wants to stay married and keep your family intact.

 

She has to own her selfish choices. She has to earn your trust, she has to be an open book and allow you access to her accounts, passwords and all, including her cell too.

 

Don't have a revenge affair, if you do, you'll be adding more mistrust and making it worse than your marriage already is. And don't beat the crap out of him, it's not worth going to jail.

[Friskyone4u]

You've already made the first major mistake and that is deciding you are going to stay with her no matter what she has done, and then admitting you have no real idea. I hope to hell you know this was not just an EA, and if you can't use a recovery program to get her deleted texts you need a polygraph. My guess is she will adamantly refuse to take it and that will tell you something right there.

 

Going after the OM is going to accomplish nothing. You may kick his ass, wind up in jail, or worse, and by the way he may blow your ass away. Is it worth that????

 

You wife is the culprit here, not him. He is meaningless.

 

You appear to be willing to I let her rug sweep the whole thing. In most cases, you will find yourself in the same spot again.

 

If you want to make a wise decision, whatever it is, stop using your kids as an excuse not to find out the truth. You will not be a great father living in limbo or with a serial cheater, which at this point you have no idea of

[sandylee1]

I'm all for revenge but not violence or anything illegal. I firmly believe there should be consequences for cheating or what stops them repeating that behaviour.

 

Your wife will wait till it blows over and start the A up again. Having read many cheater forums.... I barely ever see a case where they stopped the A on dday.

 

They find another way to say let's put it on hold until things cool down. Never believe it's done and over.

 

Your wife didn't fall into this affair.. she's pursuing the guy...... and her emailing this woman could simply be a cover to throw you off the scent.... if she sensed you were getting suspicious.

 

This could just be the tip of the iceberg.

 

Now... I'm not blaming here BTW, but she needs to communicate to you what she's looking for by chasing this A.. that she isn't getting from the marriage.

 

Has she ever raised any issues with you?

 

I suggest you both explore your physical and emotional needs from each other in MC. Unless she's just a serial cheater and has lousy boundaries with men..... she's looking for something she hasn't vocalised.

 

If you don't get to the bottom of it, she'll cheat again ... but will hide it better.

[Chi townD]

Ski Mask and a baseball bat will land you in Prison. Informing this dude's wife just what kind of man she married will land him in divorce court with nothing happening to you.

 

This guy isn't worth going to prison over....

[bubbaganoosh]

You don't want your kid coming from a broken home. So will you and your kid be satisfied when they come to visit you once a month at the lock up? Get that stupid notion out of your head now.

 

You don't want you kid coming from a broken home. You didn't break it, your wife did and now your thinking about straying and getting even.

 

Look friend, you have to be the parent that has taken the high road so get the notion of cheating out of your head and be the father you kid expects you to be.

 

The problem you have is you accepted what your wife told you and she covered it up with two weeks of good sex. If it was me I wouldn't have touched her with a ten foot pole until she was tested for STD's and then I would think twice.

 

Everyone thinks sex is a cure all and after your laying there on your back out of breath and sweaty, all you have to do is look over at her laying next to you and see that the problem is still there.

 

Get her ass to a polygraph place and find out if she's telling you the truth. If not all your doing is letting her get away with it and you lose big time

[Ramius]

The guy does not matter. She promised to be fathfull to you....not him. If it was not him she would have just found another swinging dick.

 

But its easier to focus your anger at him than deal with the real issue. Your wife is a cheating liar. It's not something she did, it who she is. She has no true remorse.

 

I get you not wanting your daughter to grow up in a broken home. But what you fail to understand is that she already is. Your wife broke the marriage.

 

If 2 weeks of great sex is all it takes to get you to stay, then get reay for more of the same in the future. She will cheat again, you will find out, she drops her panties, and the whole cycle will start over.

[SamMish1]

Thank you everyone for their input and advice.

 

So I probably typed out of anger as I have no interest in going to jail for beating his ass. I'm also not naive to think to think all that happened was emotional and believe anything she tells me.

 

After much thought, this is what I decided to do with him. Even though he's not the problem, I still have this urge to get even and wont let him get away with it. I contacted him recently with an ultimatum - help me connect the dots by sending me all their emails/texts and I wont contact his wife and if he doesnt I'll go to her right away with the current evidence that I have. Spoiler alert... i still plan on telling her. I just want more info from him before he shuts down and denies everything to his misses.

 

As for my wife ... she knows damn well that was cheap forgiveness. She's knows this is the calm before the storm and I wont let her sweep it all under the rug. She's been crying every night since I confronted her, feeling sorry for herself and trying to gain some sympathy points - which is not going to happen. I already contacted my cell carrier waiting for all phone/text logs so I can piece this together.

She's been amazing since Dday (is that what you call it?) trying to make up for all her wrongs but Im not a sucker.

 

Since then I have backtracked on my initial promise to stay in the marriage and told her I need to think about it. Some of you mentioned the 180 (great advice) and I have been following it.

 

A simple 'just get a divorce' is not helpful advice. I do plan on staying with her for reasons I dont think many will understand but I want her to pay for what she has done and make sure she never thinks of doing it again.

 

What I really want to know is.. for those that decided to stay... how did you do it without wanting to chock her to death as she sleeps (relax, I dont own a shovel and I wouldnt know how to dig a shallow grave).

[SamMish1]

For obvious reasons, you don't want to compound your wife's bad choices with your own. Assault and revenge affairs are nice fantasies and that's where they should remain.

 

I wouldn't stay under the circumstances you describe, you'd have a better chance of providing a healthy atmosphere for your child as a single parent.

 

You're in for a bumpy ride. Some advance planning and advice from a good attorney would be smart steps at this point. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ive seen first hand what single parenting (or remarriage) does to a child and its not pretty so that's not a road I want to go down.

[SamMish1]

First of all your wife is the culprit here not the other man. If he participated I'd definitely expose to his wife. You'll need some evidence.

 

If you rugsweep this itll just get worse. You have a couple options.

 

check your phone bill to determine if they've been or are still in contact. If you go online you should see a lot of calls, texts to a certain number.

 

You can do a deleted text recovery off her phone or the PC if she sincs it.

 

Another option is a Voice Activated Recoder in her car to collect any phone conversations if you feel they are still in contact.

 

Whatever you do don't confront without evidence. I assume you saved what you found?

 

Assault is the worst idea you could have. Jail time, losing custody in a divorce. The list is long here.

 

A polygraph may be your best bet if you don't satisfy yourself with the above results.

 

marc, I saved what I found immediately. she has since deleted everything as I assumed she would.

[SamMish1]

Violence and revenge is NOT the answer.

 

The shock you're experiencing and the cheap forgiveness you offered your wife is the real issue you need to deal with.

 

It's understandable that your initial response was to save your marriage for your child's well being. It's a huge delimma to protect a family unit beyond the cost of trying to patch it up in fear of the unknown future.

 

It's bizarre but a WS losses even more respect for their spouse for offering them cheap forgiveness. If you had packed her bags and sent them to the other man's house with a note that she's all his now, would have snapped the fantasy from the reality quite quickly. Your wife only see's you are a doormat who reaffirms how special she is.

 

Take a deep breath and think with your brain and not your emotions. Dig deep into self control and calm. Let her go and reclaim your dignity.

 

From the info I gathered, the affair last a few months and ended almost 9 months ago...so I cant really send her anywhere. Ive checked phone messages and didnt see anything for the past 3 months (still waiting on phone company to provide the rest)

 

The emails I found were in her trash and she forgot to hit 'delete forever'.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you everyone for their input and advice.

 

So I probably typed out of anger as I have no interest in going to jail for beating his ass. I'm also not naive to think to think all that happened was emotional and believe anything she tells me.

 

After much thought, this is what I decided to do with him. Even though he's not the problem, I still have this urge to get even and wont let him get away with it. I contacted him recently with an ultimatum - help me connect the dots by sending me all their emails/texts and I wont contact his wife and if he doesnt I'll go to her right away with the current evidence that I have. Spoiler alert... i still plan on telling her. I just want more info from him before he shuts down and denies everything to his misses.

 

As for my wife ... she knows damn well that was cheap forgiveness. She's knows this is the calm before the storm and I wont let her sweep it all under the rug. She's been crying every night since I confronted her, feeling sorry for herself and trying to gain some sympathy points - which is not going to happen. I already contacted my cell carrier waiting for all phone/text logs so I can piece this together.

She's been amazing since Dday (is that what you call it?) trying to make up for all her wrongs but Im not a sucker.

 

Since then I have backtracked on my initial promise to stay in the marriage and told her I need to think about it. Some of you mentioned the 180 (great advice) and I have been following it.

 

A simple 'just get a divorce' is not helpful advice. I do plan on staying with her for reasons I dont think many will understand but I want her to pay for what she has done and make sure she never thinks of doing it again.

 

What I really want to know is.. for those that decided to stay... how did you do it without wanting to chock her to death as she sleeps (relax, I dont own a shovel and I wouldnt know how to dig a shallow grave).

 

Now is when you set the boundaries and rules for her. She has a decision to make, if she wants to stay married to you then she has to do everything possible to earn you trust again, being an open book, allowing you access to everything (emails, cell, text, fb, instagram and whatever social media she has) as well as going to counseling with you and on her own (use the same marriage counselor for both) and she shows you genuine effort and is remorseful for what she's done to you.

 

Working it out shouldn't be revengeful, you have to do your part - work through the pain and be the bigger person and unfortunately eat some more crap along the way but most of all IF you do decide to stay married, you have to forgive her and work with her to make your marriage work and stay healthy. Each of you put in 100%.

[SamMish1]

Everything you described is text book. The sex your wife gave you was just to throw you off the scent. Yes, there's more to the story she's not telling you.

 

Great advice here.

Tell her, full transparency with cell phone, email, social media. If she cries foul, RUN. Also, VAR in the car is a great idea. Most people are vaulnerble in the car. If she's in contact it will be in the car.

 

Def a No on the voilence. But I'm not against telling his Wife. Main reason behind it, if your wife comes back to you and asked you "why did you do it?" Then you know they're still talking.

 

Im not the type to snoop up on her (hence why I only discovered this months after it ended) but I did ask her for all passwords. She gave them to me without hesitation, mostly knowing I wont find anything since all has been deleted.

 

Shes a smart woman and knows how to cover her tracks. She was shocked when I found the emails in her trash.