Jump to content

Rough day


Recommended Posts

You gotta love Facebook. Today it reminded me of a post 5 years ago when my wife and I were in Vegas. That begat all of my discovery of her year-long affair. The post was supposed to be a nice memory of a great vacation. In fact, we'd just had some great sex in that hotel room that's still memorable.

 

I've been divorced for 3 1/2 years, have had a steady and decent relationship for three of those. Yet, the post still hit me like a damn Mack truck this morning. And then it was a crap day for a myriad of other reasons.

 

I'm sorry I don't have a question to ask or some kind of sage advice to seek. I suppose I'm just venting. I don't do it often, nor do I feel the need very often. Is this cathartic? Is it even worth acknowledging? WTF does it really matter?

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

It matters as part of processing the experience. Processing is part of healing so look at it as growing pains. Good that you posted.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

It was an expected hurt to feel thanks to facebook memories. Now that you're feeling it, let it pass through you and hope that the rest of your weekend is better.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Probably not un normal. You went through more hell than most.

 

Ha!!! A lesser man wouldn't have made it. You and the kids doing OK?

 

Is the XW still as open as always or has she mended her ways?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

Sorry for that BH.

 

Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving.....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate that Facebook memories feature. I've moved on from so much stuff in my life. I don't live in the past. Stop bringing up the past.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

BH....it's a sting and it's ok to feel what you feel. I still have triggers sometimes, a place or photo that fills me with a mix of emotions.

 

Time does make a difference and it's rare that I get worked up but sometimes it can hurt real bad and I'm both sad and agitated at once. The past is the past, it's part of our history like a scar that fades with time but the memory of it sometimes escapes the corner of your mind.

 

The past does not define a person, it's what you do today and the following days that defines you.

 

Sending you a big hug and want you to know I think you're a unique and special man. Your heart is huge and you give so much to others. Sometimes you should be as giving to yourself too.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo

If it matters to you, that's all that matters..

 

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day for you.

 

Cuckoo

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If it makes you feel any better :p it can get worse than that. I've had 'reminders' of friends' funerals or just stuff that involved friends who were alive then but who are dead now. And of course not in any sort of 'memorial' context, just "woo-hoo, last year you were partying with your dead friend! Good times!" :rolleyes:

 

I know what you mean by the effect tho BH. I call it 'total recall.' Getting over any trauma is bscly a matter of forgetting it more than anything else, or at least forgetting the immediacy of it's impact like when you were initially going thru it. So by stages the omnipresence of the thing sort of falls off and dissipates, until eventually it's more a memory than a current event. But some triggers - like visuals or music or scent or contextualized event-based memories - can bring it all back to the present in a way that's overwhelming and can really throw you for a loop for a while. It doesn't come back slow the way it went away, it comes back all at once, and that's like getting hit by a truck.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks everyone. Much better day today, as I expected. I appreciate all the kind words and insight.

 

I guess it was just a bit of a shock to see that photo from our hotel balcony and think back to what a good time it was supposed to be. And it was all just a farce. I was so clueless about what was really going on in my life at the time.

 

I'm glad that I fairly quickly return to a state of "meh" about it all. It was important for me to find out what a psycho she was, and escape from it. It was traumatic but completely necessary.

 

Thanks again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Probably not un normal. You went through more hell than most.

 

Ha!!! A lesser man wouldn't have made it. You and the kids doing OK?

 

Is the XW still as open as always or has she mended her ways?

 

Yes, the kids and I are doing well. My son is 13 now and so we're going thru some of the typical teenager stuff (lying about homework, some sketchy teen behavior, etc) but he's fundamentally a really good kid with a healthy outlook. My daughter is 9 and is still the same enthusiastic and energetic girl she has always been. Her positive outlook is a joy. Both kids are also smart and healthy. Things are good with them.

 

As for the XW, I've pretty much stopped paying much attention. We're probably far more cordial with one another than we've ever been. I have become very detached and don't much care what is up with her. She openly has a BF now; she wasn't very good at hiding it previously. He has been a "friend" since HS for her and I suspect there was probably hanky-panky with him both before and throughout my marriage. Whatevs. They can have each other. He still lives with his mom and was a big visitor of strip bars back when I knew him. I'm sure he's a great prize compared to what she had with me. The ex is responsible with the kids and around them, so she can reap whatever she nonsense she likes.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Honourably honest

BH, you've come so far forwatd so don't let it destroy the day or the weekend. You made the decision to rebuild, sometimes you are going to be tested, but you need to focus on the great sex etc, and less of what happened over 1500 days ago.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Bittersweetie

I'm sorry you had a rough day BH. But I'm glad things got better. It's weird how the triggers happen. I was in a grocery store a year or so ago and a song came over the sound system that xOM had sent me. I suddenly felt so angry at myself and what I did that I wanted to throw things around right there in the store. It was like Hulk Smash. I was able to hold back fortunately.

 

Maybe one of these days you can go through your FB and delete any particularly triggery pictures? That way they won't ever come back.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks everyone. Much better day today, as I expected. I appreciate all the kind words and insight.

 

I guess it was just a bit of a shock to see that photo from our hotel balcony and think back to what a good time it was supposed to be. And it was all just a farce. I was so clueless about what was really going on in my life at the time.

 

I'm glad that I fairly quickly return to a state of "meh" about it all. It was important for me to find out what a psycho she was, and escape from it. It was traumatic but completely necessary.

 

Thanks again.

 

Why not say it with flowers, this was the day the Universe aligned to set you free. This is probably the last time she ever got to go to Vegas unless she's paying for it(the guy still lives in his mommies basement) so the picture may have significance to her too. I would be willing to bet she's seeing plenty of strip joints though. Maybe you just take the day to reflect on the fact that you and your children are an amazing family and that you are in control of your future, besides, she's not your problem anymore, there is life after infidelity. Your proof.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry you had not such a good memory. Look at it this way..... your 5 years out of deception and lies from her.

 

Take care

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
flowergirl14

Betrayed h,

How do they(cheaters) lead two lives? One is hard enough. My h brought home flowers for me today after stopping off at hos ap house. So sad and disturbed.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi mate just to say I remember when you first posted.

 

 

Glad things have turned around a bit for you.

 

 

All the best.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

For me that is normal. And I'd prefer to deal with a trigger like that than deal with it in person via a phone call / letter from the ex.

 

 

At least this way, she can't leach off your emotions.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I appreciate the support. Sorry I haven't felt like I've had much to add.

 

As expected, the trigger was short-lived. Interestingly enough, another FB memory post came up a few days later that was similar. I suppose that's just a function of the antiversary. I had considered adjusting my settings to avoid such unpleasantness (thanks to those that had made the suggestion) but I've found that I'm at a point in life where I don't need to avoid this stuff. I prefer to conquer it. I'd rather go through it than around it.

 

The bigger challenge really is still dealing with her. Coparenting is for the birds. But even that difficulty is subsiding as I essentially disregard what she does in her household and just stay focused on what I do in mine.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...