katielee Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 You know, he we are, going along quite nicely and bu!!***** that doesn't need to happen pisses me off. Maybe people here know hubby decided to film a commercial for a friend. I was not happy about it but said, whatever. He got a lot of grief about it - kidding from friends - and I just kind of had to go along with it. I hated that he was now in the living rooms of his OW (I'm sure they've seen it) and maybe their BS's were pissed his suddenly showed up like that. But, whatever. his life. if he doesnt' want to have empathy then it's his deal. This is not a decision I would make. That is why I am having trouble understanding it. However, I think the commercial ran it's course (and I was glad) until today, I'm getting my hair done and my hairdresser says, "I stuck up for your marriage the other day. My girlfriends and I were at a sports bar and your husband's commercial came on and they were like, "who is that?" impressed with his looks and whatever. It just triggered the heck out of me. I wish he was an ugly fat ogre. I hate that he's good looking.. and it didn't NEED to happen. That's my thought. I wouldn't do this. Why are you? Do you still need validation? I had to hold myself together. We have a great night planned for a movie. And all I can think is, this is not fair. Why are you making this harder for me? I wouldnt' do that to you. cripes almighty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Katielee...i think what your husband did was absolutely insensitive and cruel. I cannot believe he would be that stupid...sorry...this pissed me off! If you had done this he would have been furious...right? Good grief! I can understand your anger...your embarrassment...and your hurt...and i think he needs a good talking to...whether he wants to discuss it or not. All i can say is...I am so very sorry.....hugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 we had a talk. he listened. I said I felt low priority. He said I was not. he said I'm sure people think I'm hot too, and that he just has to deal with that. I said, it'd be a little different if you were sitting there and heard it. He said yes. argh. we have given each other lots of benefits of the doubts, leeway... we need to appreciate this in each other. but I did say that some of these things you have chosen to do could be dealbreakers. you get to live your life. i get to decide if i can live with how you live it. and vice versa. he IS really nice to me. very loving and kind. but he certainly didn't apologize for this. Nor does he see my point. we think VERY differently. Very differently. I didn't understand why he wouldnt sell his car OW2 was in. It took him 5 months. He said he didn't know what kind of car he wanted, totally missing the point of any car but that one, take a loss if you have to... but his concern about our financial situation is paramount. whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I am glad you talked....and that you feel better. Triggers sneak up on us forever I fear....sometimes the one thing that bothers today won't bother you the next time.....sometimes something that did not bother you suddenly does. The bottom line is being sensitive to the feelings of each other...understanding when the other is having a difficult time...and being supportive even though we don't understand. I do my best to avoid things that i know may cause john to trigger....but sometimes i say something and i see a grimace cross his face...and i know he triggered. It is hard to know what to do when that happens...do you say something that might make it worse...or ignore it which might make it worse? I know your husband does not want you to hurt.....and i don't believe he ever does things on purpose to hurt you......but i do think he is a bit self absorbed and a tad insensitive. You have to decide whether to call his attention to it when he does fail....or if you can self soothe and let it go. Only you know whats best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hubby had IC yesterday and he came home and brought it up and this is good! Usually he doesn't want to talk about it. He said they talked about happiness and she said your happiness is all on you. we did talk about how we both wished we were happier. We've been together over 30 years now - and I said it's just so crappy that 3 months of bull**** on both sides affects us this much. He agreed and said but it was pretty big, what happened. His IC continues to suggest we do happy, positive things together - But we do that... We are good at that. We have money, no kids at home, we are in shape and can enjoy outdoor things, this should be the time when we are really enjoying life. This just takes a long time, I swear.... this grief over what we lost... There are much more good days then bad days. We had a big fight last week about him sending a smiley face emoticon text to a co-worker... that blew up. We have some unhealthy fighting habits, mostly due to frustration. It makes me think why even bother bringing anything up... it's not going to go well.. But, he gave me a big apology last night. That was really great of him. onward, I guess. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Take a vacation without him with just your girlfriends. It's cheaper than therapy and you'll probably have more fun than hanging out with his sorry self. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 I'm a former WW. I don't do separate girl vacations... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 What's a WW? White woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 wayward wife... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 So being a wayward wife means that you can never ever hang out with your girlfriends? Who decided that rule? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hang out- different than separate girl vacation. I think the idea is to get happier together, not apart... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hang out- different than separate girl vacation. I think the idea is to get happier together, not apart... Then book a trip for you two. Introduce a little touch of fantasy into your reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I am the happiest when it is just john and i together. Watching tv...side by side...having a glass of wine....soaking in the hot tub.....sitting on the patio looking at the view....going out for a quiet dinner....going to the theater or a movie...... It doesn't have to be anything fancy...just being together. Happiness is a state of mind. You can keep a positive attitude...remind yourself of all the wonderful things you should be thankful for. amaysngrace...who made the rules? We did. As FWW's....we created a whole new set of rules for ourselves......they are called BOUNDARIES. It is the price we pay for being cheaters. I don't mind not going out with girlfriends....I spend my time with my best friend...my husband...who gave me a very undeserved second chance. I gladly give him transparency and strict boundaries. It is my gift to him for the give he has given me. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 As I said, we do this already. And we are looking forward to it. Going south come this Saturday... Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I'm a former WW. I don't do separate girl vacations... I understand it's still relatively fresh, and maybe right now it is not best time for a girl's trip. But one day, I hope you and your H get to place where you can feel comfortable to take a trip with your girl friends. I think it can do a lot of positives if/when the time is right. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I understand it's still relatively fresh, and maybe right now it is not best time for a girl's trip. But one day, I hope you and your H get to place where you can feel comfortable to take a trip with your girl friends. I think it can do a lot of positives if/when the time is right. nope.....it has been 32 years for me...and 7 years for Katielee. The boundaries and the transparency last FOREVER. When you KNOW that you are capable of cheating...you never take that risk again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 hey katielee I want to say....I love this post by you today. I think it is the first post you have made that made me smile. It was wonderful to hear you say something positive and loving and hopeful. I am so happy...he talked to you and shared. I hope he saw how that made you feel...and will do it more often. (((hugs)) of happiness for you! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 We had a big fight last week about him sending a smiley face emoticon text to a co-worker... that blew up. We have some unhealthy fighting habits, mostly due to frustration. It makes me think why even bother bringing anything up... it's not going to go well.. One of the few good things to come out of MC with my ex was hearing the therapist say we'd have to pick our battles more carefully going forward since each argument would start with substantial baggage. In other words, we wouldn't have any little fights, only big ones. It helped me understand the happiness to be found in letting many things go, much less sweating the small stuff. Only you can decide if a smiley face emoticon falls into that category ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Mr Lucky - that is certainly true!!! Every fight comes with baggage. That said, we do need to set some ground rules for inevitable conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I understand it's still relatively fresh, and maybe right now it is not best time for a girl's trip. But one day, I hope you and your H get to place where you can feel comfortable to take a trip with your girl friends. I think it can do a lot of positives if/when the time is right. In some cases this would be like hoping that an alcoholic could go out and have a few drinks with friends. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Katielee, I have always felt that learning to fight fair is one of the cornerstones of a marriage, and is essential for reconciliation. We came to the conclusion that it would not be fair to both of us if I was angry at my wife, or her I, 24/7. Hard for me to keep up, and who would want to live with someone who only shows anger. So my and our rules are simple, if we are angry at something, keep it on that something, do not drag other stuff into it. Keep the past in the past, at least while you are discussing something that just happened. Leave that for the monthly talk. BTW, fights are not to be avoided, just managed, and kept on the subject that is making you mad at the time. Glad your husband is looking like he is moving forward, and you are too. More good days then bad are worth a lot. Time does heal, if you let it. Oh, and 30 years, congratulations. Be they "good", "bad" or in between, they tell and show a story. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 It's 32 for Mrs JA and 6 for me. Yes bringing up the past and bringing other ppl into the fight(my IC said you...or you're just like your mom) are our issues. But those are surmountable. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 So being a wayward wife means that you can never ever hang out with your girlfriends? Who decided that rule? No, not necessarily. I'm a WW that goes on girl trips & my H encourages it so I can get a break (I have kids still at home). Which is ironic bc I didn't start going until after my A, my H is less jealous after the A than he was before the A. We both go on a family vacation a year & each take a friend trip. It works for us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 (edited) In some cases this would be like hoping that an alcoholic could go out and have a few drinks with friends. I understand what your saying but I think your analogy would be more accurate if I advised her to go to a strip club or social situations where she would be surrounded by many potential APs. I did not say go to South Beach for Spring Break. I made a very generalized statement about a girl's trip. Obviously going somewhere with single friends or where there will be 'nights out' is not recommended. And I don't know how her husband feels; if he's uncomfortable, then naturally, stay home. I agree the majority of the trips or time spent should be with him. I was only communicating that spending quality time with "good" friends can be very therapeutic. But it's their choice. If she doesn't feel it's appropriate for her then it's not. Going with your analogy concerning alcohol, it would be like going to a family restaurant, where alcohol is served, for a meal with a bunch of friends that DO NOT drink. There are plenty of recovering alcoholics that would find no issue on that, but at the same time, there are plenty that would not feel comfortable doing that. I agree with others. It is personal boundaries of the individual and relationship. If a girls trip is out-of-bounds, then she should stay in-bounds with her husband. I would never suggest to do anything that would harm herself or her marriage. Edited February 17, 2016 by OneLov Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Katielee....you have certainly not left any stones unturned. I think it takes time to fully process and weave infidelity into our I. Much longer into the WE. Once the WE happens, one can get to a place that Mrs. Adams speaks of. A place of gratitude and being content.....is the goal. Happiness can be such a moving target. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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