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Husband cheated - now won't let me see his phone [UPDATE]


Mariam78

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I left my husband on Feb 28th this year. Our marriage was horrible. He had joined several dating sites, asked women to meet him, hit me and would allow our sons to talk badly to me. He would not leave so I had to, but I didn't take our sons because they went to school locally, he was a good father to them and I said I would still collect them from school everyday, make their meals, do homework etc.

 

I'd just return to my parents afterward to avoid arguing with my husband. However, when I left, my husband had an 'anti molestation' order taken out against me. This meant that I could not go back to the family home to collect any belongings, nor see my children unsupervised. I have NEVER harmed my children in any way. After that it was weeks before I saw them again. My husband would not allow me to see them or even speak to them on Mother's Day. I wasn't allowed to go to their school sports day or their Easter show where my 5 year old boy spoke on stage.

 

I eventually saw my boys for just three hours on a Sunday - 'supervised' at the home of my in-laws. I called and emailed my husband every day, crying and begging to see my children more often. He asked me to only contact him through a solicitor. But I asked why and continued to beg to see them. Days later, the police arrived at my parents home where I was staying, took me to the police station, questioned me and then arrested me because my husband had said I was stalking him and that he felt 'fear and alarm'. He lied and said I had threatened to have someone attack him. I was in shock and said I had only been begging to see my sons, was never nasty, threatening etc and in most correspondence I had wished my husband nothing but the best.

 

The policewoman agreed but said that because my husband said he felt 'fear and alarm' they had to arrest me. I spent two nights in prison. My husband had taken my children, lied about me and had me jailed and prosecuted. Last month, he got back in touch and said he was sorry, he loved me and wanted us to get back together. He acknowledged his lies and treatment. I said no but he kept telling me how much of a mistake it had all been, he was angry at me for leaving him etc, he'd changed, his business had gone bust and he only cared about me.

 

I know he was, and is, genuine, but I can't stop thing about what he put me through. I was suicidal when I thought he'd taken my boys forever. I love him and want to put it behind us, but it was such an awful series of things that he did and I'm struggling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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You're back with this guy who hit you, kept you from your kids, lied and had you arrested?

 

What sort of advice are you looking for?

 

If you want people to say that things are going to work out just fine between the two of you, you're going to be disappointed.

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* and he cheated on you with multiple women. Tried to edit my first post but didn't make it in time.

 

The guy has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and treated you horribly and you're back with him because "he's genuine".

 

He's genuine alright.

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I'm not sure what advice you're seeking since it looks like you've already made your decision.

 

You've willingly walked back into lion's den. Is he still on the dating sites? How are your children talking to you? How is it that they didn't get backhanded for disrespecting you?

 

You need to tape him telling you that he lied and then you need to turn that over to your solicitor to get your name cleared in court--that you were persecuted by the crown based on a lie they took as truth.

 

He didn't take your boys forever. Children eventually grow up and don't need permission to visit their mother. You still have decades to enjoy a relationship with them once they're of the age of majority.

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I am so sorry that things have gotten so bad in your relationship with your husband and your children. I would encourage you to seek help from professionals before you do anything else. Relationships can be salvaged, but professionals really need to come in and help you guys sort things out. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or pastor? A counselor could help you with your relationship, but they could also help you with any suicidal thoughts that might come up again. I would also encourage you to seek legal advice as well. This is a lot of weight for one person to carry. There is no need for you do to do it alone. Seek the help of professionals that are there to help you. I pray things turn around for you.

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ShatteredLady

Please, PLEASE talk to a lawyer. I don't know if you can legally record him talking to you in your state/country. PLEASE concentrate on just legally getting your kids. You said that he hit you? I don't care how I feel about a man, NOTHING matters! HE HIT YOU! No self respecting woman should ever stay with a man who hits them. End on conversation!

 

PLEASE! I've been abused...short of physical violence...I NEVER thought for one moment I would ever allow anyone to treat me that way but life happens step by step. You tollerate step 1, you make excuses for step 2, etc etc rinse & repeat...before you realize it you've become a person that before step 1 you never imagined you could be.

 

There are things in life that hurt like hell but you can recover, work on your relationship & move forward to an even better life. Domestic violence is NEVER one of those situations!

I'm an intelligent, educated, strong woman from a great family. Step by step I became a woman that a complete stranger handed a secret women's rescue society card to! She watched me & my H for 5 minutes in a shop & she knew!

There are no excuses. You can't be with a man who has done those things to you! Do you know how many women are killed by their 'misunderstood, loving husbands' every year?

Step by step it breaks you! Step by step you loose the ability to think & behave rationally. HE HIT YOU!! Marriage is about trust, safety, security, love, caring. Remember how scared you were. Remember the look on his face! You must never allow someone to abuse you! PLEASE!

How many years of intensive therapy has he had? What makes you think he won't do these things again?

 

What kind of people do you want your children to grow into? I know I don't want my daughter to be in abusive relationships. I know I don't want my son to beat his girlfriends/wife. Why raise them in an enviroment that teaches them that that's the way to live?

 

Love yourself. Respect yourself. Find a legal way to get your kids & save yourself & your kids. PLEASE!

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What put you in jail was laws .

 

Something doesn't add up, so any information to enlighten us will help.

 

 

 

How did your hearing go? What evidence was presented? How was bail set?

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I love him and want to put it behind us, but it was such an awful series of things that he did and I'm struggling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I agree. The whole situation sounds truly awful. The anguish of not seeing your sons must have been terrible. But it seems that because you love this guy, are convinced he genuinely cares about you, and he's now explained that he's sorry, you've made up your mind to forgive his actions and return. That's ultimately a very personal decision.

 

I will say that sometimes feelings and emotional attachment to a partner, can blind one to the reality of a situation. When that happens, it can be easy to make a suboptimal decision about your future that later causes personal pain and deep regret.

 

If you can, try to arrange individual counseling. It might help you gain some insights into your choices and decisions. I'm glad you had family to turn to for support when things were tough. Best of luck!

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  • 5 months later...
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Feeling devastated. Last Wednesday night I looked at my husbands phone. I saw a message to a woman where he said she was 'cute, intelligent - just my type'. He also said 'I could have talked to you all night' then when she offered to meet him at 4:30, he asked if she could make it earlier as he was desperate to see her. When I confronted him he said he hadn't 'been' with her - but he had been with someone else.

 

This 'someone else' it turns out is apparently a beautiful Russian/Scandinavian scientist who is 12 years younger than me. I asked for all the details - he met her in his regular coffee shop, she makes him feel interesting and desired, she is very athletic and clever, she is beautiful etc. He has his own offices and has turned one room into a bedroom. He and I would sleep there if we had a night in town - after drinks or going to the cinema. This is where they had sex. In what I would still class as 'our bed'.

 

He said he wouldn't have told me about it if I hadn't found out and had a plan to leave me in '3 weeks'. I wasn't aware of any of this.

 

To put it into context a little, I have an alcohol addiction and would drink a bottle of wine each night. My husband was annoyed that I wasn't addressing that. I am now. I am untidy round the house somewhat, but only in terms of doing laundry and the bathrooms. I make great food that my husband loves, I'll give him massages and dress up for him BUT I gave also rejected him sexually when I've been drinking - and twice told him to get it elsewhere.

 

This is quite a long, complex story, but the background is, last year we were divorcing. My husband had been physically and verbally abusive and I had been drinking a lot, depressed, and unpleasant to him too. When I left him I made a claim on his money. I felt at the time that I was entitled to, because he had treated me so badly and because he probably had a fortune (I had no idea how much he had but his business appeared to be very successful and he had won awards) In response to this he lied so I couldn't see my children, then had me arrested for stalking because I begged every day to see them - he said it was harassment. I went totally off the rails after I could no longer see my children. I became suicidal. I drank to the point where I remembered nothing and I ended up sleeping with two other men. Life was hell on earth.

 

But when he asked that we call off the divorce I agreed and we've been working on things. He has been nothing but amazing since then and has done so much for me. I've continued drinking at nights. But I've showered him with love and done lots of nice things for him. I love to see him happy. Unfortunately, my anger from what happened during the divorce proceedings, the pain of him stopping me from seeing my sons and putting me in jail hasn't disappeared. That's why I've lashed out and - until now - didn't want to stop drinking as it was the only thing that numbed the pain.

 

We went away on Valentine's Day. He wrote 'I love you' in the snow and sent me the photo. We kissed and hugged all day. But the next day he said he was sleeping at the office and that's when he met the girl he said was his ideal girl, then took the Russian girl out for dinner and had sex with her in his office. I'd sent him a text that evening too, saying I adored him, trusted him completely and that it was ok if he slept at the office so he didn't have to come home and deal with the kids.

 

Now I can't sleep properly and have barely eaten in 6 days. Lost a lot of weight. How do I get through this? He says he's so sorry, I can see that he is. He says he felt I rejected him and I can take that on board. But last Monday I was texting him to tell him much I loved and adored him and I've worked out that he was probably with her when he read it. I'm absolutely crushed. Had to see a mental health crisis team. Think about suicide but I know I won't do it because of my boys. How do people cope? Thank you.

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Your marriage is dead in the water and has been for some time.

 

It's time you two stayed apart for good, because apparently the toxicity of the past is very much harming your present relationship with him. Your children need a healthier example of love and self-care, and you two aren't able to provide that together.

 

And I'm sorry but regarding these other women, I hope you don't believe what you know is all that really happened. I would bet any money there's plenty more he's not telling you.

 

Get yourself into treatment for your alcoholism. Speak to a counselor who can truly put you on the path to recovery. You sound as though you are barely functioning anymore and your children need a healthy mom, first and foremost. All of this drama is affecting them, whether you see it yet or not.

 

Time to start thinking about moving on and opening a new chapter for you.

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Michelle ma Belle

First, get a handle on your drinking ASAP. Being in a drunken stupor is likely keeping you on this toxic merry-go-round with this guy who clearly doesn't respect you or even care about you in the way a husband should. Seek out counselling as already suggested and work on becoming a better and healthier version of you for yourself and for your children. To hell with you husband.

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Not to put too fine a point on it, but I disagree with the other posters who either implicitly or expressly put more fault on your husband.

 

You rejected him for sex and told him to get it elsewhere.

 

You slept with two other men.

 

Your alcohol issues are apparently out of control.

 

I'd suggest sacking it up and realizing that it's a 50/50 thing and that you both have plenty of responsibility for this mess...and it is a mess.

 

I do agree with the other posters about working on yourself. Get counseling for the alcohol issue. It will likely be a lifetime issue, so get used to a permanent "recovery" period.

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Michelle ma Belle
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I disagree with the other posters who either implicitly or expressly put more fault on your husband.

 

You rejected him for sex and told him to get it elsewhere.

 

You slept with two other men.

 

Your alcohol issues are apparently out of control.

 

I'd suggest sacking it up and realizing that it's a 50/50 thing and that you both have plenty of responsibility for this mess...and it is a mess.

 

I do agree with the other posters about working on yourself. Get counseling for the alcohol issue. It will likely be a lifetime issue, so get used to a permanent "recovery" period.

 

The WHOLE relationship sounds toxic.

 

She admitted her husband was both verbally and physically abusive. Do you blame that on her then too?

 

 

Each partner has a part to play and must take responsibility for their own actions. Something neither of them are doing.

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Not to put too fine a point on it, but I disagree with the other posters who either implicitly or expressly put more fault on your husband.

 

You rejected him for sex and told him to get it elsewhere.

 

You slept with two other men.

 

Your alcohol issues are apparently out of control.

 

I'd suggest sacking it up and realizing that it's a 50/50 thing and that you both have plenty of responsibility for this mess...and it is a mess.

 

I do agree with the other posters about working on yourself. Get counseling for the alcohol issue. It will likely be a lifetime issue, so get used to a permanent "recovery" period.

 

Whilst I agree this is a toxic relationship with many "faults on both sides, victims of intimate partner abuse often, turn to alcohol to numb the emotional pain of being physically and emotionally abused - it is a form of self medication.

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The WHOLE relationship sounds toxic.

 

She admitted her husband was both verbally and physically abusive. Do you blame that on her then too?

 

 

Each partner has a part to play and must take responsibility for their own actions. Something neither of them are doing.

 

Yes it does sound toxic.

 

As far as specifics, yes she said he was "verbally abusive." Well who know what that means, as everyone will draw the "abuse" line at different levels, but don't you think he viewed her as being "verbally abusive" when she rejected him for marital sex and told him to "get it elsewhere??" Damn, that's one of the lowest things a spouse can say to the other.

 

As far as "physical abuse," she didn't give any specifics. Obviously no one is going to condone one spouse hitting or harming the other, so if that's the case with him, then yes he has to own that 100%. But again, people cry "abuse" at different levels, and it can be very subjective, especially when based on an admittedly one-sided history.

 

I always figure that the situation is less one-sided than the poster claims, mostly because we're not getting the other side of things.

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dreamingoftigers
Yes it does sound toxic.

 

As far as specifics, yes she said he was "verbally abusive." Well who know what that means, as everyone will draw the "abuse" line at different levels, but don't you think he viewed her as being "verbally abusive" when she rejected him for marital sex and told him to "get it elsewhere??" Damn, that's one of the lowest things a spouse can say to the other.

 

As far as "physical abuse," she didn't give any specifics. Obviously no one is going to condone one spouse hitting or harming the other, so if that's the case with him, then yes he has to own that 100%. But again, people cry "abuse" at different levels, and it can be very subjective, especially when based on an admittedly one-sided history.

 

I always figure that the situation is less one-sided than the poster claims, mostly because we're not getting the other side of things.

 

I'm going with "everyone here has been a super- crappy partner."

 

And thus, being where we are: husband doesn't respect wife, wife doesn't respect husband. Wife's drinking is clouding judgment and husband is screwing others and accusing wife of stalking because she's trying to see her children.

 

Time for wife to cut this situation loose as possible and get to recovery yesterday.

 

Not because of "loser husband" but because of children.

 

Drinking a bottle of wine to yourself each night skews priorities and loses kids. That's the big deal.

 

Husband isn't stable either. He might say "oh blah blah I provide shelter" or whatever but he clearly is NOT a stable role-modelling for behaviour etc.

 

So it's extra-important for Mom to get better, especially since we all know husband is going to tar and feather her in the courts, like the vast majority of cheaters do. And she's a cheater too so who the Hell knows.

 

BE A MOM FIRST.

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Thank you everyone for your feedback. I guess it's hard to judge based on just one side of the story. I sometimes told him to 'get it elsewhere' because I was so hurt at the events of last year. I didn't see my kids properly for 5 months.

 

It was at the point of me seeing them in a contact centre for two hours a week. I was a good mother but with my own issues. I never harmed them, I loved them and they loved me. I was devastated that he said otherwise just because I left him. He also lied and said I was stalking him just because I emailed and begged to see the boys. I was heartbroken. But he lied and said I threatened to have someone beat him up (I never did that!) when I only went to his office to try to sort things out.

 

I spent two nights in a police cell on suicide watch and was dragged through courts in handcuffs in front of my mother who was crying. The case was dropped and my husband has apologised but I'm still so upset and feel like I'm traumatised from last year. Yes I slept with two other guys but I barely remember either because I was so drunk - I didn't want to live anymore if I didn't have my sons. I walked through town and remember some men taking me into a taxi. The next day I woke up not knowing what happened and I ran away. The other guy was a school friend. I only met him for comfort as I had no one.

 

It was nice to talk about school and when we were kids, when I was happy. Again I drowned my sorrows so much with him that I slept with him and I don't remember. I'm not drinking anymore and attending AA. I'm just so devastated by this. I thought things were better. I pushed my husband away sexually through nothing but hurt on a few ocassions. But I also bought lots of sexy outfits and toys and dressed up for him, which he loved.

 

I know I kept drinking and needed help but I'm just so upset at what he did and I don't know how to get over it. I thought we had fallen in love again and that it must be strong if we could do that after everything. This has just knocked me for six and I don't know what to do and don't want to talk to anyone because it's humiliating. Just looking for advice x

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Huge chaos, fights, hurt people, bad words, abuse, alcohol...

BUT what is galling for the OP now is that after all that, they appeared to be almost back on home turf, the end of the nightmare was in sight, love had conquered all, but now it is all ruined again.

 

Some things are just so broken that they are impossible to mend, and maybe this is a wake up call for them both.

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what is galling for the OP now is that after all that, they appeared to be almost back on home turf, the end of the nightmare was in sight, love had conquered all, ...

 

..which is an excellent strategy to derail a divorce suit that is threatening your future financial assets. If I had a hot young scientist in my lap, and a better exit strategy - then this is just 'clever' business.

 

This is an abusive relationship on both sides, I don't cut the husband any slack. He dishes it out just as well as she does, perhaps even better.

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Go see an attorney right away. Protect any assets you have.

RRM is correct, I forgot about "the leaving in 3 weeks", he will have an exit strategy, so you need to be prepared.

Sort out the drink, get all the help you can, and get yourself together for the fight. YOU can collapse in a heap afterwards, but you need to be focused here.

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Feeling devastated. Last Wednesday night I looked at my husbands phone. I saw a message to a woman where he said she was 'cute, intelligent - just my type'. He also said 'I could have talked to you all night' then when she offered to meet him at 4:30, he asked if she could make it earlier as he was desperate to see her. When I confronted him he said he hadn't 'been' with her - but he had been with someone else.

 

This 'someone else' it turns out is apparently a beautiful Russian/Scandinavian scientist who is 12 years younger than me. I asked for all the details - he met her in his regular coffee shop, she makes him feel interesting and desired, she is very athletic and clever, she is beautiful etc. He has his own offices and has turned one room into a bedroom. He and I would sleep there if we had a night in town - after drinks or going to the cinema. This is where they had sex. In what I would still class as 'our bed'.

 

He said he wouldn't have told me about it if I hadn't found out and had a plan to leave me in '3 weeks'. I wasn't aware of any of this.

 

To put it into context a little, I have an alcohol addiction and would drink a bottle of wine each night. My husband was annoyed that I wasn't addressing that. I am now. I am untidy round the house somewhat, but only in terms of doing laundry and the bathrooms. I make great food that my husband loves, I'll give him massages and dress up for him BUT I gave also rejected him sexually when I've been drinking - and twice told him to get it elsewhere.

 

This is quite a long, complex story, but the background is, last year we were divorcing. My husband had been physically and verbally abusive and I had been drinking a lot, depressed, and unpleasant to him too. When I left him I made a claim on his money. I felt at the time that I was entitled to, because he had treated me so badly and because he probably had a fortune (I had no idea how much he had but his business appeared to be very successful and he had won awards) In response to this he lied so I couldn't see my children, then had me arrested for stalking because I begged every day to see them - he said it was harassment. I went totally off the rails after I could no longer see my children. I became suicidal. I drank to the point where I remembered nothing and I ended up sleeping with two other men. Life was hell on earth.

 

But when he asked that we call off the divorce I agreed and we've been working on things. He has been nothing but amazing since then and has done so much for me. I've continued drinking at nights. But I've showered him with love and done lots of nice things for him. I love to see him happy. Unfortunately, my anger from what happened during the divorce proceedings, the pain of him stopping me from seeing my sons and putting me in jail hasn't disappeared. That's why I've lashed out and - until now - didn't want to stop drinking as it was the only thing that numbed the pain.

 

We went away on Valentine's Day. He wrote 'I love you' in the snow and sent me the photo. We kissed and hugged all day. But the next day he said he was sleeping at the office and that's when he met the girl he said was his ideal girl, then took the Russian girl out for dinner and had sex with her in his office. I'd sent him a text that evening too, saying I adored him, trusted him completely and that it was ok if he slept at the office so he didn't have to come home and deal with the kids.

 

Now I can't sleep properly and have barely eaten in 6 days. Lost a lot of weight. How do I get through this? He says he's so sorry, I can see that he is. He says he felt I rejected him and I can take that on board. But last Monday I was texting him to tell him much I loved and adored him and I've worked out that he was probably with her when he read it. I'm absolutely crushed. Had to see a mental health crisis team. Think about suicide but I know I won't do it because of my boys. How do people cope? Thank you.

 

Mariam:

 

I am so sorry to hear of your problems.

 

I am glad you are seeing a crisis team.

 

Your husband however is the one who needs a psychiatrist. He is obviously mean cruel and abusive

 

Can you get your ducks in a row and plan your escape?

 

Can you see an attorney ASAP. They can freeze his bank accounts if you live in the USA.

 

Also, can you tape any conversations where he admits he had you falsely charged?

 

A false charge is a crime in the US

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He says he's so sorry, I can see that he is.

 

He's sorry alright, he's sorry you caught him for the zillionth time and now he's gotta be inconvenienced by having to tell you all sorts of crap so you'll stop bugging him so he can get back to messaging and screwing other women.

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