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Did you contact OW/OM's BS?


weeble78

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And if you did, to let them know about their spouse being unfaithful, did this help the situation or make it worse? Did it benefit them or did it come back to bite you in the a*s?

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I did not. For me the only motivation I had to contact the other BS was for revenge and to make the OW's life miserable. I decide that wasn't who I wanted to be.

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It took me several months to do it.

 

For a time, I used the threat of exposure to the OM's wife as a chip to keep him away from my wife.

 

As time went on, I became convinced that the affair was continuing. I called her at the end if her workday and asked to meet.

 

I've had no regrets for that one, at all. In actuality, it was one of the first times I just made my own decision from a position of strength. As time had progressed, I felt a great deal of guilt that the BW was left unaware. She was really the one person in the scenario with whom I could identify. She didn't deserve it anymore than I did. But I was becoming complicit in her continued betrayal. I decided I was done with that. I knew my wife would be pissed. I knew OM would be pissed. To hell with both of them. That woman was going to have one person that cared enough not to let it continue.

 

At first she was clearly devastated. A few days later, she called to thank me.

 

Anyway, that was my experience. I made a lot of mistakes and still have a few regrets. But telling her was never one of them.

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ShatteredLady

Would you want to know?

 

The thing with marriage is we make huge life changing decisions based on "Until death us do part". If a BS believes that they have a loyal forever partner they could, at this very moment, be making choices that are great for their marriage, great for their spouse but really bad for them alone.

 

If my H was having an A, any kind of A, I would want to know. I would feel betrayed by anyone who knew & didn't tell me. I think it's the decent thing to do.

 

I'm bias. I was completely blindsided by my H's affair. For many torturous months I knew that something was very wrong. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I thought that if I was the 'perfect' wife I could save my marriage & my family. Everything I did was wrong. I felt like I was loosing my mind.

 

He convinced me that the OW was just a friend & they were innocently chatting.

 

It would of saved me so much agony if I'd known. I believe that the terrible stress & anxiety, no sleep, not eating, panic attacks etc have contributed to my health problems.

 

The OW in my case is single. She has 2 kids through artificial insemination. She doesn't have emotional ties to anyone, doesn't talk to family, doesn't have real friends. There wasn't anyone to tell.

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I did not. For me the only motivation I had to contact the other BS was for revenge and to make the OW's life miserable. I decide that wasn't who I wanted to be.

 

This is very admirable!

 

I know that I wouldn't be able to be so magnanimous in that situation.

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I have only slept with one married man that I know of. Yes, I told his wife.

 

They were both friends of mine from our early teens. They started dating the last couple years of HS, had a couple babies right after graduation, and got married. Their relationship was rocky and they had separated last I'd talked to them. When I ran into him months later and he told me they split up for good, I had no reason to doubt it. We had a few drinks, talked about the old days, and had sex.

 

The next day, his wife got in touch with me wondering if I'd seen him as he'd taken off (again) and she heard he was in our home city, near where I still lived. They weren't split up, everything was fine as far as she knew and then he just went *poof*.

 

Of course, because we were friends and it was the right thing to do, I told her what happened. She wasn't mad at me and she ended up taking him back. A few years, another kid, and a few more affairs later, he took off again for a year. She finally moved on.

 

I got to serve him the divorce papers. It was great. She and I are still friends.

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I told the BS's of my husband's APs... Actually we showed up at OW1's house. She wasn't there.... But I sure wanted her to be. I was thanked by both BS.

My husband told my AP's BS. He was thanked as well. Generally, people want to know what is going on in their lives. Who cares what the motivation is. I don't care if the motivation is revenge, I'd still want to know.

You'll get many different responses here. But by and large, the majority suggest telling.

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I named the OW in my divorce. She was engaged to someone. After she'd signed the divorce papers she decided that it was all too much hassle and dumped my exH and continued with her fiance who was blissfully aware of what was going on.

 

By this time I'd found out who her fiance was and I told him. He promptly dumped her.

 

She then went running back to my exH who took her back.

 

Her fiance married her best friend a couple of months later.

 

It was all like a bad soap opera .......

Edited by Arieswoman
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This was many years ago now, but I didn't get a chance to tell the OW's husband as he'd died a few months before D-day. But I would have if I could have.

 

Instead I told the OW's parents-in-law, who by that time were bringing up the boy who was the son of the OW and possibly my own H. They believed the boy was their dead son's child. Unfortunately the OW has refused all requests for a DNA test. The boy is now a teenager, and it's not long to go before he can make his own decision about a DNA test. I really hope the OW and his older brother have prepared him for the possibility that his father may not have been her husband.

 

I also told the adult son of the OW and dead BH.

 

No regrets by me...

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I accidentally talked to my WH OW...I picked up & called her number back, she answered & answered all my questions. She was single so there was no BS but if there had been, no I wouldn't have told bc personally I wouldn't have cared about her marriage, I was only worried about mine.

 

I think you have to figure why you want to tell. Is bc you genuinely care about the other BS, is it revenge or is bc you think that will stop A. IMO, telling isn't going to make a difference with in the BS. Nothing can take back the A & you never know how someone is going to react, like your H being beat up. Also I'd want to know my WS is back & wanting to reconcile bc that's what they really decide not bc they feel they have no other option. That's just me though, I wanted to be first not an option.

 

Good luck in your decision.

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soleilesquire

There is no definitive right or wrong answer here. No...there isn't. You have to do what you think is best for your family because YOUR family is your first priority.

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nope - never contacted the OW, never contacted her then boyfriend. didn't even think about doing it, to be honest. didn't see the point in it.

 

later on, when me & my xH divorced - i was able to sit down and have a civil conversation with the OW, when she was about to move in with my xH. i was lucky that she was also very respectful during that conversation, showed 0 hostility towards me.

 

we actually ended up becoming friends & we still sometimes see each other, even though she isn't with my xH anymore. life is funny!

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Betrayed&Stayed
And if you did, to let them know about their spouse being unfaithful, did this help the situation or make it worse? Did it benefit them or did it come back to bite you in the a*s?

 

The OM was single during the affair, but married once I found out about it years later. My WW did tell me that during the affair he had a girlfriend. I did not know if his wife was the same girlfriend so I sent her a simple Facebook message asking her if she and [OM] were dating during that time period (of the affair). Within 30 minutes both her and his Facebook pages went from being open to full lock-down mode.

 

His wife does know about his affair, but I don't know what he told her about it.

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Would you want to know?

 

The thing with marriage is we make huge life changing decisions based on "Until death us do part". If a BS believes that they have a loyal forever partner they could, at this very moment, be making choices that are great for their marriage, great for their spouse but really bad for them alone.

 

If my H was having an A, any kind of A, I would want to know. I would feel betrayed by anyone who knew & didn't tell me. I think it's the decent thing to do.

 

I'm bias. I was completely blindsided by my H's affair. For many torturous months I knew that something was very wrong. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I thought that if I was the 'perfect' wife I could save my marriage & my family. Everything I did was wrong. I felt like I was loosing my mind.

 

He convinced me that the OW was just a friend & they were innocently chatting.

 

It would of saved me so much agony if I'd known. I believe that the terrible stress & anxiety, no sleep, not eating, panic attacks etc have contributed to my health problems.

 

The OW in my case is single. She has 2 kids through artificial insemination. She doesn't have emotional ties to anyone, doesn't talk to family, doesn't have real friends. There wasn't anyone to tell.

 

 

I agree, the motivation is the important thing. Like you I would want to know if my marriage was broken, if something like that was going on behind my back. Even moreso now as I went through something similar the first relationship I was cheated on in. I went on and on for months trying to be the best partner ever. I lost 3 stone and drove myself insane, even having my family question whether I was losing it. Until the truth came out. I'd hate for someone else to be going through that and giving something their all that's never really real in the first place.

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And if you did, to let them know about their spouse being unfaithful, did this help the situation or make it worse?

 

I didn't have to, she contacted me.

 

I like to think I'd do the same. Knowing my WS was cheating was life altering, hate to think I would have continued living under false assumptions...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It was a dilemma but not really. I hated it because it was sometimes daily pretense in front of my brother, the other BS, that everything was fine. He was paralyzed from a stroke and couldn't have done anything about it and would have been even more isolated and devastated. So everyone pretended—me, my WH, all the kids. There was no right.

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