How do you define a sex addict?

[TX-SC]

That term gets thrown around a lot. At what point do you go from being highly sexual to a sex addict. In a marriage, there is often one partner who is more sexual than the other. To the less interested partner, the other may seem like an addict. "How can you think of sex all the time???" But, that doesn't make you an addict. It just means you are often horny. So, I'm just wondering what would define a partner as a sex addict?

 

Inability to control yourself maybe? Doing things you know are wrong because you can't resist? Porn?

 

I'm nearly 50 now and on testosterone replacement. I THINK about sex a LOT. My wife, not so much. I certainly wouldn't call myself an addict, just often want it. My wife says I think about it WAY too much. So, our opinions differ because we have different starting points.

 

It seems like the term is somewhat loosely applied here on LS. "My husband/wife cheated because he/she is a sex addict." So, where is the line drawn?

[Popsicle]

I don't see anything wrong with being addicted to sex with your significant other.

[SoleMate]

I'm not aware of a widely accepted clinical definition....it seems that "sex addict" is more a term used in the celebrity media, in cocktail party chitchat etc.

 

I'd use it to apply to someone whose involvement with sexual thoughts or activities was destructive and/or distressing to himself/herself. So someone who thinks about sex and wants it a lot....and has it a lot.....isn't an addict, unless they are self-harming as they go about it. Examples: Routinely having sex then feeling ashamed......engaging in sexual behavior that predictably causes them to lose their wanted job or relationship.....sexual thoughts or behaviors that they want to control but can't, and that noticeably and materially interfere with life....risky sex with destructive people or in dangerous places......spending the rent on hookers, then sleeping in one's car in the winter and losing toes to frostbite....and doing it again. That kind of thing. Basically, a sex drive that is no longer under a person's rational control.

 

Just acting out sexually, including cheating, does not by any means indicate "sex addiction"....there has to be the element of having one's executive function overridden by some pathology.

Edited February 13, 2016 by SoleMate

[candie13]

Addiction implies you cannot control it, but that you give in to it. Having sexual impulses won't make a person an addict.

 

You may want to talk to your doctor about your urges, since there is a medical side to your condition. I also think you may want to set up a meeting with a sex spécialist, together with your wife. It will make you both feel much better and reassure you both - i mean a psychilogist specialized on sexual addiction.

[jen1447]

Agree w/SoleMate, it's bscly when the behavior is destructive. Just like w/alcoholics or gambling addicts, etc. Having a lot of sex isn't in itself destructive.

 

I'm highly sexual but I'm in control of myself. Not an 'addict' (tho in certain contexts the term is actually flattering lol). Real sex addicts are actually very unhappy ppl bc they're slaves to their compulsions.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm nearly 50 now and on testosterone replacement. I THINK about sex a LOT. My wife, not so much. I certainly wouldn't call myself an addict, just often want it. My wife says I think about it WAY too much. So, our opinions differ because we have different starting points.

 

Pretty disparaging on her part. If, in the same situation, you labeled her a "frigid b*tch", would she be happy?

 

By wanting sex often, at age 50 I'd guess you're talking about daily or so. The actual term for that is "good husband" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

Why is this in the infidelity section?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I wondered the same thing

[TX-SC]

I meant to post this in the general marriage forum.

[merrmeade]

Well, I can see it being in this forum as the subset of the question related to infidelity. If you don't want it limited to that, then ask to have it moved.

 

For what it's worth... After I'd learned of all (I think) of his relationships over many years, my husband referred to his problem as an addiction. To be precise, he said, "It's like an addiction." So for a year or more I thought he was a closet sex addict. I even looked for psychologists specializing in that. One of them told me that a sexual addiction is a very specific disorder and you can't just throw the term over any undesirable sexual behavior. In my husband's case, I think he meant he had a problem and he kept succumbing to it. I think he included the flirting, innuendos, sexual tension, and, most of all, the flattery. "Flattery" is his operative word as to the "why" of the affairs. I don't really think it qualifies as a pathological sexual addiction.

[elaine567]

"If you're worried that your activity is out of control it might help to consider if the following statements are familiar. For example do you:

• Feel that the behaviour is out of control.
  
• Believe that there may be severe consequences if you continue but carry on any way.
  
• Persistently pursue destructive high risk sexual activities, want to stop but are unable to do so.
  
• Need more and more of the sexual activity in order to experience the same level of high followed by feelings of shame and depression.
  
• Experience intense mood swings around repeated sexual activity.
  
• Spend more and more time planning, engaging in or regretting and recovering from sexual activities.
  
• Neglect social or work commitments in favour of the sexual activity.
  
• Repeatedly try to stop and perhaps stay stopped for a while, only to start up again."
   
  Help with Sex Addiction - Common Sexual Problems | Relate
  

[Mr. Lucky]

TX-SC, you're not a sex addict anymore than someone who enjoys a daily glass of wine is an alcoholic. in both instance, the use is mainstream and appropriate.

 

A better question is why your wife would want to shame you with this label...

 

Mr. Label

[TX-SC]

Sorry I wasn't more clear about that. She has not called me a sex addict. I used an example of my higher than hers sex drive as an example of how someone with a lower sex drive might perceive a person with a higher sex drive as "oversexed!" or a "sex addict."

 

What spawned this question was that I was going back to some older infidelity discussions, just browsing some of the longer ones, and I noticed that term a few times. In those instances, it seemed like the cheater was just horny, not necessarily addicted. So, I was wonddering how they differ?

[Mrs. John Adams]

To me...anyone who is an "addict" is self destructive. If you look at statistics from professionals and experts and measure yourself against those numbers....then i guess you can determine if you are HD or LD.

 

To declare yourself as a sex addict...to validate promiscuity...is ridiculous. An example that comes to mind...Tiger woods....is Tiger truly a sex addict...or is he simply taking advantage of opportunity?

 

I read one time that Steven Tyler checked himself into a clinic for sex addiction...later he determined he did not have a sex addiction problem...he simply had way too many opportunities.

 

So I have to say...I think a true sex addict is probably quite rare.

 

John and i both have very high sex drives....we are in our 60's and are still extremely sexually active....with no help from any medications. We have tried many different sexual activities in our 44 years of marriage....always looking for things to keep our sex exciting.

 

Are we Sex addicts? no

 

Do we enjoy and desire sex...yes

[Mr. Lucky]

What spawned this question was that I was going back to some older infidelity discussions, just browsing some of the longer ones, and I noticed that term a few times. In those instances, it seemed like the cheater was just horny, not necessarily addicted. So, I was wonddering how they differ?

 

A sex addict is out-of-control. You just want out-of-control sex with your wife. Big difference ...

 

Mr. Lucky