Wife sexting for 7 months + more.. how to proceed?

[adamj854]

First off, thank you for taking the time to read my story and first post. Before I start, I just want to mention that I'm an introvert that has some issues expressing feelings. So here's my story.

 

We have been married for 3 years now and got over the first year with some issues and eventually worked things out, grew together and started become happier. We have no kids, just 3 animals and possessions in a rental home.

 

Last October during a Halloween block party in downtown, she went out with her girlfriends which were accompanied by 1 or 2 other gentlemen. During this time I was sick, stayed home, and thought she could go out and have some fun. She came home late and confessed she kissed someone. At that time I was too tired to start a conversation about what had happened. That next morning, I had that horrible pit feeling in my gut and did some digging. I knew her friends and contacted one of them. After many attempts of trying to get the whole truth and hours later, she confessed that she slept with one of the men. Pouring her heart out, crying, and the usual speel with excuses about being drunk and unhappy.

 

After some time, I decided to try and work things out with our marriage. Things were going great, finances were looking good and we were enjoying some time together.

 

Just recently, I've been having an instinctual feeling again and decided to check her phone on Wednesday. To my dismay, I found some text between a male that were sexual and her trying to convince him to come visit her while I was away on a business trip. There wasn't much to read because all previous texts were deleted. I kept quiet that night and decided I would check phone records before confronting her. The next day, I downloaded the past year of texts and calls. Ultimately, finding out she has been talking to the OM for 7 months averaging about 1000 texts a month and phone calls when I was not home...

 

I confronted her yesterday and it took 4 times to even get the answer that she's been texting him. First answer was "We're just friends, he lives 3 hours away", then after telling her what I saw she says "It was just fun and games, we never did anything.". So i broke out with the big one about her texting him for 7 months with pictures and phone calls. It felt like she had no guilt or remorse, just basically got excuse after excuse from her. How am I supposed to believe that nothing happened, that there were no previous scheduled meetups, or that there were other men!?

 

She said she wants to go to counseling, that she will end contact with the OM, that she's a failure in life and doesn't want to fail with our marriage. So many emotions and thoughts were going through my head that I was pretty much quiet, hurt and pissed. I told her I needed some time and left. Went to a bar and had a few drinks trying to decide on how to proceed. This is my first marriage and the thought of divorce scares me, but I don't want to continue being hurt. I came back that night and went to bed with hardly any words.. (probably a mistake, should have gotten a hotel). This morning, she told me that she ended contact with the OM last night and that she found a counselor that we could see on Saturday. I was still upset and she mentions again that it was nothing, just BS between them. I told her "how could I believe that?" with her responding with an angry tone. At that point, I told her she has no right to be angry in her position right now and stormed out to go to work.

 

So here I am, dumbfounded, lost, confused on what to do and if I should proceed with divorce or maybe try out counseling.

[OneLov]

She's still trying to manipulate the truth and trying to minimize her actions. I would not trust her motives for "reconciliation" at this point. In this situation, I would proceed to separate and seriously consider going to see an attorney. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

OL

[LifesontheUp]

I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

 

This is the 2nd affair she has had that you know of.

 

You have a young marriage, no commitments, no remorse from her. Indeed its clear she couldn't give a fig about you that you found out she slept with someone else last October and she has continued to be texting or whatever with someone else for over 7 months.

 

Personally, I would be wondering what there is to save. Your wife cannot be faithful and clearly disrespects you. Do you want to continue with someone like that?

[Bryanp]

This is a sad story after only 3 years of marriage.

Have you and her been tested for STD's?

She goes out with friends while you are sick and has sex with another man?

She texting other men and telling one to come over while you are away?

She is a real piece of work.

 

Look you married the wrong woman. Thank God you don't have children. Cut your losses and do not waste your life with a woman like this. How much total humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be as passive as you.

 

She has clearly shown that she has no respect for you or your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Clay]

She needs to give over complete access and all information without hesitation. She needs to give up all the OM's info. She needs to be willing to throw him completely under the bus to his wife or girlfriend.

 

You need to step back and go see a lawyer. If you don't draw a clear line in the sand for her she will play you like a fool.

 

You have to be willing to end this marriage if you ever have any real hope of saving it. There has to be REAL consequences for her actions. If there is not she will just go dark and the next time she can she will start it back up again with him or someone else.

 

Someone else posted this sometime ago and it really has helped me. I hope you will read it and maybe it might help you.

 

 

I did not write this but I would like to thank the person that did.

 

 

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[adamj854]

I figured I would get these types of responses.. I know i've been played like a fool. I have a very soft heart and it hurts a lot to think about ending this relationship. I worry about her conflicting pain to herself, where she would go (she works part time with little to no income), where the animals would stay (we are both animal lovers), losing mutual friends, etc.. Most of our credit and possessions are in her name, as I have been rebuilding mine these past years.

 

I've been thinking about buying one of the programs that recovers deleted messages, but more than likely I'll just get hurt even more if they were recovered and read.

 

This divorce would ultimately change my life drastically... but at this point I need to take care of myself.

[aliveagain]

You have only been married 3 years, she has already had sex with another man the first time she's out without you. She has been texting/sexting a man for the last 7 months that must have started just a few months after she slept with the first man(or is it the same man?). You have no children, this will be the easiest for you to get out of this specially if you don't have major financial commitments tying you to her. She has a history of cheating on you, she has been inviting this other man to visit her when you are out of town. She invited him to your home with the intent of sleeping with him.

 

Talk to a lawyer, preserve your evidence in a safe place, you need to know your rights because you don't know how this is going to turn out yet. Marriages with infidelity early into the marriage have a very poor survival rate.

[Bryanp]

Just think if the roles were reversed and you screwed another woman at boys night out and put her health and risk for STD's; lied to her about it; text your ex for 7 months and spent hours with her while telling her that you went to class how do you think she would be acting? Do NOT let your big heart destroy your life.

 

She treated you like garbage, put your health at risk for STD's and constandtly lied to your face. Actions have consequences.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You have to evaluate how you feel about her and decide if you think the marriage was ever good enough to save.

 

You have been married such a short time... And it doesn't sound like she has ever been really happy or committed ...

 

I think I would see a lawyer.. Get a divorce... While there are no kids or property involved. It should be an easy process.

A lot easier than living with this the rest of your life. Reconciliation lasts a lifetime. Is she worth it?

 

Only you can answer that question

[pteromom]

I don't think she is capable of a completely faithful relationship. There is something she is getting from the drinking and sexting and cheating...something missing from within her that she needs intensive personal therapy for.

 

If you aren't ready for divorce, here is what I would do.

 

I would separate. Have conditions for trying again, and once she meets those conditions, start slowly as if you are dating, and see if you can reconnect.

 

Reconciliation would depend on the following conditions:

 

- No dating other people (for either of you). No sexting. This is a time for commitment to SELF.

- Both of you will begin individual therapy. Hers needs to focus on what she is trying to get from these men. Yours should be on healing (whether or not you get back together.)

- Once her therapist gives the OK that she is ready, you will come in to do joint sessions with her and talk everything through.

 

Now, it is very possible that once you separate, she will just start acting single again, and if that happens, you have to decide what you want to do - but I would go ahead and divorce if she is not committed to moving forward.

[Marc878]

Read up

 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBTz3dF75WnuoAC83BGOd_;_ylu=X3oDMTEzdXF1MG4yBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDQ0JURDE1XzEEc2VjA3Ny/RV=2/RE=1455327326/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2f7chan.org%2flit%2fsrc%2fRobert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=hhkGD6VrG3vJm.NBLcmFOidPFq0-

 

This will haunt you forever. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

She lied, denied and hidden.

 

I would not be a doormat and waste more time on this

[MJJean]

Ok, let me say that I was a wayward wife in my first marriage. I was also a betrayed wife in that marriage. So, I'd say I'm fairly balanced. I have also spent a lifetime interested in human behavior and watched cheaters and betrayeds among friends and family for decades. I've learned recognize patterns of behavior among both.

 

Your wife went out with friends and slept with another man. Here's the thing. Cheating with witnesses around speaks to a certain level of comfort with cheating. It's not something a novice cheater does. You may never get the whole truth, but I'd bet $5 that was not the first time she cheated either on you or in a past relationship and that comfort level carried over into your marriage.

 

When she "confessed", she lied. She knew she did it in front of witnesses and she lied anyway. When that failed, she went all poor pity me. I'm so sorry, I'm so bad, blah blah blah, I was drunk and unhappy because you blah blah blah. Excuses and some blame shifting. That was a way to manipulate the situation. She went from perp to victim.

 

She got away with it, no consequences, and so she did it again.

 

The pattern repeated. She lied. It failed. She admitted to only what you know and then went right to crying and saying how bad she is, again making herself the victim.

 

Meanwhile, she's not able to support herself at this time and depends on you for financial security. Of course she wants to rug sweep this and get back to doing her thing behind your back! Anything else is a consequence to her actions and that would be most unpleasant!

 

Never mind that she knew what she was risking when she had her (known) affairs and chose to take that risk anyways... Never mind that she was confident that if she got caught, she'd be able to crocodile tears her way back into good graces.

 

She's a serial cheater. She is with you because you provide for her and she has a certain affection for you. She knows she can lie to you and manipulate you and she does.

 

The question is, are you going to settle for being the cuckold to a manipulative serial cheater who is using you as her Plan B unless/until she finds someone better?

 

You haven't been married long enough to risk significant assets and you don't have children. And be thankful for the not having children part, because you wouldn't know who the father is anyways! This is the best time to get out of this sham and move on.

[Jersey born raised]

First accept one basic fact no matter what she says: it's her not you. You got that? It's not me it's her!!!

 

Here is the most nuanced post I've read about the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. There isbablot of other info in replies so keep reading but print it out and live it.

 

The fog, she is in one and you are in one. Please read the 180 frist then we can post later on this subject. Her reaction is text book DAVO

 

Davo

 

What is DARVO?

 

Jennifer J. Freyd, University of Oregon

 

Short Definition

 

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.

 

 

Disclaimers

 

DARVO as a concept is based on observation and analysis. The author has not yet published systematic empirical research testing the coherence or frequency of DARVO. However, the first empirical research specifically testing the concept of DARVO is completed and the manuscript report is in preparation (Harsey, Zurbriggen, & Freyd, in prep).

Other observers have likely noted the same phenomena and related phenomena using different terms; the author has been informed that some people have found the term DARVO a helpful mnemonic and organizing concept.

Also the presense of DARVO is not necessarily evidence in support of the accusation of guilt; a truly innocent person may deny an accusation, attack the person making the accusation, or claim the victim role. Future research may be able to determine the probability of a DARVO response as a function of guilt or innocence. The author hypothesized that some sorts of denials and reactions such as DARVO are more likely when the perpetrator is guilty than innocent (Freyd, 1997); however this hypothesis has not yet been tested. Furthermore, even if research indicates that a DARVO reaction is more likely when there is actual guilt, it would be an error to use a DARVO reaction as proof of guilt.

For now the concept of DARVO is offered as potentially memorable and useful term for anticipating the behavior of perpetrators when held accountable, and for making sense of responses that may otherwise be confusing (particularly when victim and offender get reversed).*

History of Terminology & Writings about DARVO

 

Jennifer Freyd introduced the term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory." (For more on betrayal trauma theory, see Definition of Betrayal Trauma Theory.)

 

The reference for the 1997 article introducing the term is:

 

Freyd, J.J. (1997) Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7, 22-32.

 

In that paper Freyd explained that DARVO responses may be effective for perpetrators. "...I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes threats of law suits, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credicility, and so on..... [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed... The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense." (Freyd, 1997, p 29-30)

 

"By denying, attacking and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).

 

It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)

It wasn't harmful

Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.

 

Here is a link What is DARVO?

 

Finally I will PM you a link to Marriage Builders on why you must expose what is occurring and how to do it. The title is exposure - 101. Read it, right now you might think only vindicative jerks to that. Not true, read it and you will see this is not posting pics and names on a cheating site. (which is the last thing you want to do.)

[Jersey born raised]

Sorry, I see you do not have access to PM as yet. I an cutting and pasting part of the article

 

 

Exposure *101

 

Exposure 101*

 

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?*

 

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

 

 

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

 

 

Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip*

 

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here*

 

Exposure targets

Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.*

 

Exposure Timing

Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.*

 

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

 

Exposure Tactics

 

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.*

 

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

 

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.*

 

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

 

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.

 

 

Send the Evidence! Provide the evidence via email to your exposure targets. One ideal way to do this is to start up a website, upload your evidence and send out the link to everyone. This prevents the WS from denying there is an affair.

 

The Fallout

Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!*

 

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

 

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" *

 

Common Exposure Mistakes

 

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

 

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.*

 

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

 

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.*

 

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

 

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

 

 

Please note this is from Marriage Builders and it is a for profit group, not like this board. Think long and hard before paying for paying for help. A gym membership is only good if you use it.

[Jersey born raised]

One final note: do not expose in their work place unless the AP is a supervisor.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Will you please confirm... Is the guy she had the one night stand with a friend of a friend or was he a stranger she 'picked-up'. Did she have a history with him?

 

Is he the SAME man that she's been texting all this time?

 

Although she's deleted all mails between them she might of talked about it with a friend... Look for mails around that time between her & friends.

[ShatteredLady]

At the top of this forum is a post "What every wayward needs to know". I'd read that & give it to her to read. Do you think that she can be that kind of WS?

[Mr. Lucky]

 

You have been married such a short time... And it doesn't sound like she has ever been really happy or committed ...

 

 

adamj854, this is the part you're overlooking.

 

Your wife has not been a participant in your marriage since Day 1. So any attempt on your part to unilaterally repair the damage is pretty useless when dealing with someone who simply doesn't care. She may say otherwise but then I'm sure she's said a lot of things over the 3 years.

 

You've been conned, scammed and lied to. Up to you if you want to sign up for more...

 

Mr. Lucky

[adamj854]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their input.

 

To answer ShatteredLady, it was two different men. And the one in October was a friend of a friend.

 

Update: After reading all of the posts, speaking with family and close friends, I've made my decision and I'm going through with seperation and divorce. I've already made the necessary steps of opening up my own account and taking half. I'm hoping she will be civil about this, but I highly doubt it. So I have made necessary precautions to protect myself.

 

Currently she is staying with a girlfriend tonight and I'm at home. She will be home in the morning, which will probably be the time to break the news.

 

On a side note, she left me a hand written letter stating how sorry she is, blah, blah, blah. If she really wanted to reconcile, these words would have been said the other night when I confronted her. The fact that she needed the time to think of what to say doesn't sit right with me and gives me more of a reason to just get out while I can.

 

I'm going to stand strong, respect myself and my decision.

[Friskyone4u]

Adam,

 

You are to be congratulated for not staying in the denial stage that is the "killer" for most BH.

 

She has probably done this more times than you know and instead of begging for forgiveness she is "thinking" and at her girlfriends.

 

You will be better off without her

[BuddyX]

Just be aware, she will go back and forth between Lovey Dovey and hurtful text message. Stay firm. Keep contact to logistics (attorney, finances, etc).

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Look up serial cheating.

 

You can't fix this.

 

Stick to your plan and have a life.

[lolablue17]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their input.

 

To answer ShatteredLady, it was two different men. And the one in October was a friend of a friend.

 

Update: After reading all of the posts, speaking with family and close friends, I've made my decision and I'm going through with seperation and divorce. I've already made the necessary steps of opening up my own account and taking half. I'm hoping she will be civil about this, but I highly doubt it. So I have made necessary precautions to protect myself.

 

Currently she is staying with a girlfriend tonight and I'm at home. She will be home in the morning, which will probably be the time to break the news.

 

On a side note, she left me a hand written letter stating how sorry she is, blah, blah, blah. If she really wanted to reconcile, these words would have been said the other night when I confronted her. The fact that she needed the time to think of what to say doesn't sit right with me and gives me more of a reason to just get out while I can.

 

I'm going to stand strong, respect myself and my decision.

 

Good decision! It means that you're a sane and healthy man.

 

You're afraid that your life is going to change when you divorce. Of course it's going to change. for the good. Because right now you live with a serial cheater and a liar. Don't be too busy with the details about her and OM.

 

It's not only that she's slept with him (I'm willing to bet a lot of money for that), it's this reality in which every time you check, and dig, you find something. So for me, there were other men during your short marriage, and the post important thing - There will be other men in the future. Memorize that - there will be other men!

 

So, changing your life is not a bad idea. Tell her your decision only after you are well prepared and protected after seeing a lawyer, dealing with all the papers (assets and financially)

[Qboro90]

Whatever you do, don't let her make you feel like you're at fault or you should feel bad for your marriage ending. She needs to face the guilt and blame and you shouldn't allow her to pawn any off on you.

 

If you really wanted to find out more of what happened, then use what you have already. The contact number and name of the man she was texting and having the affair with. Don't approach it aggressively tho. You can call him up or if you know you're able to remain calm and non confrontational, go to his house or ask to meet up. Explain that while you of course are angry, you are proceeding with a divorce and simply need to know the extent of their affair in order to protect your assets and finances. If the guy is a scumbag, then tell him you're going to send an email to his boss and explain what a moral employee he has working there. It won't get him fired but it's not gonna be good for him either.

 

That's only if you cannot deal with not knowing exactly what happened between them and need to be told details. Right now you should be 100% certain they had a sexual affair. If she was scheduling him to visit while you are away then you can be damn sure it's not the first time.

 

If you think about reconciling or having second thoughts... Just look at your wife and think about all those times she smiled at you and wished you a good day, then had another man on top of her behind your back.

[Darren Steez]

I figured I would get these types of responses.. I know i've been played like a fool. I have a very soft heart and it hurts a lot to think about ending this relationship. I worry about her conflicting pain to herself, where she would go (she works part time with little to no income), where the animals would stay (we are both animal lovers), losing mutual friends, etc.. Most of our credit and possessions are in her name, as I have been rebuilding mine these past years.

 

I've been thinking about buying one of the programs that recovers deleted messages, but more than likely I'll just get hurt even more if they were recovered and read.

 

This divorce would ultimately change my life drastically... but at this point I need to take care of myself.

 

No you haven't been played like a fool. Try to stop that way of thinking.

 

What you did was trust, nothing wrong with trusting. The first time you can forgive, the second time which was months on end of cheating (most definitely sex with the OM), the trusting comes to an end and you bring the hammer down. Actions have consequences.

 

You list the reasons why it would be hard on her, well she should have taken those reasons into account before, during and after cheating.

 

It takes more than, I stopped contact with him and I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow. If it's the rest of your life you're talking about, her actions in recovery have to supersede her actions whilst cheating, which means not just one day or a few weeks of look I'm doing this can we get back to normal, it will take a considerable U-turn on her part to ensure she's safe and she won't cheat again.

 

So see a lawyer and give her the papers. It's up to her to accept her role in this and change, then you will see her true colours.