Jump to content

Wife was cheating and gave up on our marriage [updated 2016-07-04]


BrownHairedGuy

Recommended Posts

BrownHairedGuy

Long story short. I found out my wife was having an affair with a general surgeon at her hospital who is single and she had been going over to his house any chance she got behind my back.

 

She made it seem like they were just friends at first and after i made it clear i was not ok with her going over to a single guy's house she started going behind my back and hiding it from me. When I caught her over there she said 95% of the time he's not there, she just needs somewhere to go because being in the house we built a life in is driving her crazy.

 

I told her to go visit her folks for a week to clear her head and get out of the house for a little bit. When she first got to her folks she was texty mcgee but as the week went on she became more and more distant. When she returned i tried to talk to her and she lashed out at me and shelled up not talking. I tried to call her sister and mother to get help in approaching her because at this point we had not even talked about any "problems" our marriage was having or anything, but they shut me out and didn't call back.

 

Over the weekend she kept showing up late to the house and on Monday she said she was going to go stay somewhere else for a little bit because being in the house was making it harder on her. She made it clear she did not want me to know where she was going. I found out she had rented an apartment and asked if she wanted me to file for divorce and be the bad guy. She said she still had faith in our marriage and that her moving out was her way of getting space to figure things out.

 

The very next night she just didn't show up to the house to sleep, nor the next night. The guest bed she said she was taking so she didn't have to sleep on the floor was still at our house. I found out she slept at his house those 2 nights and I told her i was filing for divorce the next day.

 

I have absolutely no closure on any of this and i probably never will. I don't see how she could just throw away our 6 year relationship without even trying to work on it, for a guy she's known for a few months. My wife has always had a level head and is incredibly smart. How could she think that a relationship with a single guy that doesn't mind sleeping with a married woman is a good idea?

 

She has a new apartment that mommy and daddy are helping her with and is sleeping over at his house almost every night. She just completely wiped me away from her life, and she pretty much has a new bf to help forget me and here i am picking up the pieces. I know I'm supposed to focus on myself but all i can think about is them watching shows together like we used to, cooking together, sleeping in a bed together. I hate it. I feel completely dicked over that she just has a brand new life with new boyfriend and I'm just sitting here alone in the house we built our lives in for 4 years. I know that most relationships that start out as affairs don't last, but the way she raved about him to all her friends and how he was talking to her and getting her to come over every chance he got just makes me seem like they're going to be one of the ones that make it and she'll get what she wanted.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're going through this. That must be very hard, especially without any answers.

 

How did you find out about her staying at the other guy's place the first time or know that she has been sleeping over there?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BrownHairedGuy

She made it seem like he was just a friend at first and told me herself she went to his house to do homework. I told her i wasn't comfortable with that and that i don't mind if she sees him in public once i've met him but i would never be ok with her going over to his house alone. When i found out she was going to stay somewhere for a little bit but didn't want me to know where she was I got sick of being in the dark and hired a PI to put a tracker on her car. Showed me she slept over at his house the 2 nights she didn't come home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know it's tough and I'm sorry for what you are going through. You're right about one thing...it won't last. He is likely a playboy and will drop her as soon as a new nurse hits the scene. Don't romanticize about her though...it's not worth it. Lying and cheating comes with a lack of respect for you and the relationship you had with her. Hopefully you don't have children with her. I wish you the best man!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy

Tough situation - but man up and deal with it like you should. Dont pussy foot around the issue and let her walk all over you and treat you like dirt. Drop the hammer. Speak to a lawyer ASAP to start getting your ducks in a row. Collect her things and leave them for her to collect along with divorce papers.

 

Also just a hunch based on the behavior you described. Is you wife in the age bracket of late 20's early 30's - Between 27-32 ?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BrownHairedGuy

No need to worry. As soon as I found out she slept over there I filed for divorce. We do not have any kids together and yes she is 26. Just so many lies and the fact she had an affair 2 years into our marriage and did nothing to try and work on us sucks. The fact she walked away and pretty much started a new life with this guy is hard to get over but I appreciate the words of courage. I'm hanging in there

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry about your situation. Hopefully you hired a decent attorney to get you through this process as it can get pretty messy.

 

Individual counseling would also help you with this as being cheated on by your spouse isn't something you should have to deal with by yourself.

 

I know it's hard to be optimistic about this, but I actually consider you fairly lucky when compared to some of the grotesque stories posted on this website. Some people are actually blindsided by betrayal after decades of perceived happiness with their partner. Please just continue have to stable and rational mind through this process in order to finish everything with her civility and amicably.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BrownHairedGuy

Mrmeh - I agree, I am very fortunate that she showed her true colors so early in our marriage. I have already been going to counseling and it has helped. I also have a great family to be there for me. It's hard to think of them together but I'm getting better every week.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

So she cheated before this one. She probably figured you didn't leave her then so you wouldn't mind so much now.

 

Glad you filed for divorce. She's not a decent person. She doesn't intend to change.

 

I hope you moved money and all your assets into your name only.

 

Change the locks on the house so she doesn't take everything while you're at work! Also - change the code to the garage door opener.

 

It's good you know now rather than after you had kids.

 

Sorry you're in pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep she's a serial cheater. Send him a thank you card for taking her off your hands.

 

You are a very lucky young man!!!!!

 

Go completely dark. Bag up her ***** and put it in a storage unit. Mail Her the key and bill with a note that she doesn't even have to come back. Then change all the locks.

 

You'll get over this much quicker with no contact.

 

Her family is as low class as she is btw.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi BHG, Very sorry to hear of your situation. I can imagine that it must have come as a tremendous shock to you to find out that your wife deserted you and the marriage so early on in your relationship with little warning. It seems she never was committed to you and is probably a "Holi digger" as in all likely hood her new beau is in a high income group. However the good thing is that you have taken her infidelity on the chin like a man and moved on in a positive manner to end the marriage and to heal yourself.

As others have said it is good your stbx wife revealed her true colours so early on so that you have little history with her. As others have said, this new relationship of hers will not last and after her new guy HSS used and abused her he will dump her unceremoniously. Just make sure by then that you have cut all ties with her and that your divorce, if not final, is well on the way to completion. Does she get alimony from you if she deserted you?. As they say good riddance to bad rubbish. Keep your self healthy and happy and surround yourself with family and friends to help you tide over this difficult time. Warm wishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BrownHairedGuy

Just a guy - she will not be receiving alimony. She has a full time job and is in school to further her career. That's kind of what sucks. We had this plan for the future where both of us would be making good money and have kids in 4 years and she just up and left. Now she's with a doctor and all I can see is them making good money and being one of the few that makes it and ends up a great couple. I don't know what his intentions are, he texted and talked to her just as much as she did him. Who knows.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BrownHairedGuy

<Moderation note: threads merged into Infidelity forum and content retained>

I posted this in General Forum, but found this forum and thought it might be better here for help and advice. Long story short. I found out my wife was having an affair with a general surgeon at her hospital who is single and she had been going over to his house any chance she got behind my back.

 

She made it seem like they were just friends at first and after i made it clear i was not ok with her going over to a single guy's house she started going behind my back and hiding it from me. When I caught her over there she said 95% of the time he's not there, she just needs somewhere to go because being in the house we built a life in is driving her crazy.

 

I told her to go visit her folks for a week to clear her head and get out of the house for a little bit. When she first got to her folks she was texty mcgee but as the week went on she became more and more distant. When she returned i tried to talk to her and she lashed out at me and shelled up not talking. I tried to call her sister and mother to get help in approaching her because at this point we had not even talked about any "problems" our marriage was having or anything, but they shut me out and didn't call back.

 

Over the weekend she kept showing up late to the house and on Monday she said she was going to go stay somewhere else for a little bit because being in the house was making it harder on her. She made it clear she did not want me to know where she was going. I found out she had rented an apartment and asked if she wanted me to file for divorce and be the bad guy. She said she still had faith in our marriage and that her moving out was her way of getting space to figure things out.

 

The very next night she just didn't show up to the house to sleep, nor the next night. The guest bed she said she was taking so she didn't have to sleep on the floor was still at our house. I found out she slept at his house those 2 nights and I told her i was filing for divorce the next day.

 

I have absolutely no closure on any of this and i probably never will. I don't see how she could just throw away our 6 year relationship without even trying to work on it, for a guy she's known for a few months. My wife has always had a level head and is incredibly smart. How could she think that a relationship with a single guy that doesn't mind sleeping with a married woman is a good idea?

 

Now i'm alone in the house we built a life in going through divorce, while she has a new apartment that mommy and daddy are helping her with and is sleeping over at his house almost every night. She just completely wiped me away from her life, and she pretty much has a new bf to help forget me and here i am picking up the pieces. It's like she became a completely different person in 2 months. I'm struggling so bad. I just picture them living happily ever after making a crap ton of money, and then here i am over in our house alone.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

her fantasy life will crash pretty soon. she's "dating" someone who is ok being in a relationship with a married woman. Wonder how that will turn out?

Meanwhile - work on yourself in therapy to deal with this hurt, get some hobbies, do things for yourself with friends or what you've always wanted to do.

I'm so sorry you're here.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hang in there BHG. I admire you - your heart must be shattered, but you are staying strong and doing all the right things.

 

I understand why you think that they will make it as a couple - your hurt mind is playing out the scenarios that will hurt you most. But the fact is, they are both cheaters (she already had another affair on you before, right?) and thrill seekers. They are in their bubble right now, everything is new and exciting. But let's see how they are doing a year from now when it's no longer new. They are excitement addicts and it will be very hard for them to stop their eyes wondering when they feel like that blast of excitement for something new again.

 

Look after yourself. You are young and could have a most wonderful future ahead of you. Learn from this horror and have a wonderful life. I wish you only the very best. Keep posting here.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
gonnadropthemic

ugh :( so sorry this has happened to you.

Listen to the others- walk away... let her go. Trust me, it's best all around.

This is a jacked up situation in so many ways. But I feel for ya. My husband works in a hospital and I've had recent suspicions of a fellow female dr...

its sickening, it really is. Hospital affairs are HUGE.

I will never EVER date or be with someone who works at a hospital again. You will probably find it hard for you as well. Even if for some chance you stay with her... you will have a hard time trusting her working at a hospital. Trust me. It's agonizing.

 

I don't think he will be with her forever either... he can have what ever he wants and will... and some day soon it won't be her anymore. Dr's are pretty good at rotating females in and out of their lives.

 

at least you know now what she is like.... I would just say let her go, pack her stuff... don't let her yo-yo with your emotions. she already has her own apartment so she's pretty much gone. :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry for what you're going through ....and her family are obviously aware of her cheating ways.

 

I can't see this lasting because she's a cheat and will soon move on and his morals aren't high either. They deserve each other..as they have the same lack of integrity.

 

Be thankful you don't have kids with her..even if she stayed she would have cheated again with another guy.

 

Carry on full steam ahead with the divorce and don't listen to her blubbering if she comes back begging you for yet another chance.

 

You gave her one already and she's shown that she's not capable of being faithful.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams

I agree with everyone else...I know the pain right now is excruciating. I know you hopes and dreams are crushed....but this may very well be your cloud with a silver lining.

 

You are young, and you have not children. This makes starting over so much easier. The scars of what she has done to you....will remain...but they will diminish over time.

 

I am a believer in KARMA...and with any luck....what goes around comes around. So you live your life to its fullest.....wash your hands of her and be thankful....because you are the winner.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I know it's hard to believe this now but in the World of Infidelity, you're one of the lucky ones. You found out early and with complete certainty, unlike others that are held in a "I love you but I'm not in love with you" limbo for months and months.

 

Be prepared for her to show up back at your door when things with Dr. Cheater don't work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

BHG,

 

Sympathies and all that, but I also want to wade in with a bit of a pep talk.

 

Stop thinking like you lost something and they gained something. You lost nothing. Literally. A woman that walks away and into another marriage is nothing. Any spouse who does that is nothing. You lost a bad habit. Sure, you are gonna miss her, but in the end, she was a bad habit.

 

Who cares if they are smiles, snuggles and romantic getaways. Right now it means something to you because you still think that she is the prize. That she is worth spending time with. She is not. She's a liar, cheater, and she purposefully brought devastation to your life. Two snakes slithering together and intertwined are still just two snakes.

 

As you move forward, remember, you are the prize. If you are in a major city and drive by where the drug addicts hang out, remember, they are where they want to be having the fun they want to have, but in reality, it is a miserable existence. Same for your wife.

 

Stop glamorizing her. She is a bad habit and the undeniable evidence supports that. Get you some rest, get you some help, get your mind clear, and every time you think about her, remember, she was fake, a liar, and a cheater. She was nothing.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

If I were you, I would clear all her stuff out of the house and let her know to come and get it or the trash man will be loading it up.

 

Then go find a good lawyer and get your divorce and one other thing. I would let the hospital HR know about this guy and them have at it with him. No doubt they will cool his ass off.

 

Consider yourself lucky that you can come out of this intact and let her go. She isn't worth it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wait a minute. If she under a student status and she's shacking up with a Surgeon at the Hospital that she works and is probably doing her clinicals at, that is a BIG no no.... There are fraternization polices that are in place at hospitals. I would inform the hospitals HR department about their relationship.

 

 

And I would also contact a lawyer and see if you can sue the OM for alienation of affection lawsuit or something along those lines. Will you win the suit? Probably not. BUT! You want to see how fast that douche rocket throws your wife under the bus at just the mere mention of a lawsuit against him? He'll throw her under the bus and run for the hills. He'll think, " No piece on the side is worth this much aggravation!"

 

 

So, you want their relation to end? The you need to expose until the cows come home.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BrownHairedGuy

Thank you guys. I know I'm better off without her and have already started the divorce process. It feels good to know that so many people agree that a relationship that starts out on that kind of foundation is not the best. As much as i wish i had closure or to see that she is remorseful in some way, I've come to peace with the fact that most likely will not happen. Even if things don't work out with her and the doctor, she's too stubborn to show she was wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sympathies and all that, but I also want to wade in with a bit of a pep talk.

 

Stop thinking like you lost something and they gained something.

You lost a bad habit. Sure, you are gonna miss her, but in the end, she was a bad habit.

 

...you still think that she is the prize. As you move forward, remember, you are the prize.

 

Stop glamorizing her. She is a bad habit and the undeniable evidence supports that.

 

I agree. The prize is you, she walked away from that - her loss.

 

It may be hard to feel that way right now but, the chains of all that uncertainty and deception have been unlocked. You can step away free to find something better.

 

Try to focus entirely on you right now. Grieve but, don't lose yourself in it. You're fortunate to be very much still in tact.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you guys. I know I'm better off without her and have already started the divorce process. It feels good to know that so many people agree that a relationship that starts out on that kind of foundation is not the best. As much as i wish i had closure or to see that she is remorseful in some way, I've come to peace with the fact that most likely will not happen. Even if things don't work out with her and the doctor, she's too stubborn to show she was wrong.

 

Forget about she's lost a good thing or that she's missing out on a decent guy, celebrate the fact that you just don't want this sort of person in your life.

 

Glad you got D rolling and you're holding yourself with pride. Hope you've gone NC with her, freezing her out for good and never letting her back again. That's the best revenge!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...