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Husband acting suspicious - travel to China


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Last September 2015, my husband travelled for business to China. Since his return, he has been chatting with a woman who he met there. She was someone assigned to translate for him. They have been chatting via WeChat (Chinese facebook) and he had❤ many of her posts, especially the ones of her face. He has privately messaged her to send him pictures of herself, to tell her she looks good and even to say that he hopes to see her once he found out he was returning in January 2016.

 

When I confronted him, he simply said that there was nothing sexual, that they were just friends and that I was overreacting. I don't think he did anything sexual with her but I feel that if there was the opportunity, he may have. I also feel that if I had not found out about it, he would probably still be chatting to her still (I asked him to delete her profile).

 

A few weeks ago, I looked in his translation app and saw phrases like, "if you are not doing anything later, maybe a can get together" or "you look beautiful tonight". When I confronted him, he simply says he doesn't remember.

 

He is supposed to return to China in march and I am so stressed. He said that nothing happened and that nothing will. Am I over reacting?. What can I do?

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Errrm, I don't think you're over reacting. At all. All the signs point to something. Him deleti g his profile and you discovering the translations possibly made him go underground with his contact with her. He knows you're on to something ...which shouldn't even be happening in the first place....

 

How is your relationship? Has there been infidelities before?

 

This is a tough position, i can't really offer advice on what to do. But, you're definitely not overreacting.

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Last September 2015, my husband travelled for business to China. Since his return, he has been chatting with a woman who he met there. She was someone assigned to translate for him. They have been chatting via WeChat (Chinese facebook) and he had❤ many of her posts, especially the ones of her face. He has privately messaged her to send him pictures of herself, to tell her she looks good and even to say that he hopes to see her once he found out he was returning in January 2016.

 

When I confronted him, he simply said that there was nothing sexual, that they were just friends and that I was overreacting. I don't think he did anything sexual with her but I feel that if there was the opportunity, he may have. I also feel that if I had not found out about it, he would probably still be chatting to her still (I asked him to delete her profile).

 

A few weeks ago, I looked in his translation app and saw phrases like, "if you are not doing anything later, maybe a can get together" or "you look beautiful tonight". When I confronted him, he simply says he doesn't remember.

 

He is supposed to return to China in march and I am so stressed. He said that nothing happened and that nothing will. Am I over reacting?. What can I do?

 

Offer to travel with him.

 

 

It looks like you have reason to think he is cheating. Don't assume he hasn't.

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LivingWaterPlease
Last September 2015, my husband travelled for business to China. Since his return, he has been chatting with a woman who he met there. She was someone assigned to translate for him. They have been chatting via WeChat (Chinese facebook) and he had❤ many of her posts, especially the ones of her face. He has privately messaged her to send him pictures of herself, to tell her she looks good and even to say that he hopes to see her once he found out he was returning in January 2016.

 

When I confronted him, he simply said that there was nothing sexual, that they were just friends and that I was overreacting. I don't think he did anything sexual with her but I feel that if there was the opportunity, he may have. I also feel that if I had not found out about it, he would probably still be chatting to her still (I asked him to delete her profile).

 

A few weeks ago, I looked in his translation app and saw phrases like, "if you are not doing anything later, maybe a can get together" or "you look beautiful tonight". When I confronted him, he simply says he doesn't remember.

 

He is supposed to return to China in march and I am so stressed. He said that nothing happened and that nothing will. Am I over reacting?. What can I do?

 

Everything you're describing, is to me cheating. Giving that kind of attention to a woman other than your wife imo is wrong whether or not sex has occurred.

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He has not had infidelities before but he had emailed anonymous women in the past asking for pictures. I caught him before it went anywhere. I did offer to go to China with him and He did not disagree to me going with him. I asked him directly if he had sex with her and he said, "no". He does admit to liking her.

 

That's the thing, he says "nothing" happened but I find this stuff and he simply has one excuse or another. His feelings to me have not changed. We are sexually active and have been married for 20+ years. We have 3 children.

 

I want to trust him but all the signs are pointing to him wandering. I don't know what to think.

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Whether you're husband has acted on what appears to me a blatant invitation to these women to consider the possibility of intimacy with him remains undiscovered, but the fact that he is dismissing your concerns out of hand and is out rightly telling you 'he can't remember' would be of enormous concern to me.

 

You are not unwarranted in your suspicions, and as I was always fond of telling my now grown daughters when in their vulnerable teens, if alarm bells are going off for you, then listen. It's evolutions way of trying to protect you.

 

Listen to those bells my dear, they are trying to tell you something.

 

At the very least, your husbands disrespect for your feelings on this matter are a great concern, and like others I feel he is on the road to (if not already engaged in) the ultimate treachery.

 

My advice would be to to dig deeper and not say a word until you either find something that proves your suspicions or alleviates them.

 

Good luck.

 

Cuckoo

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I'm from China. Chinese girls can be aggressive at pursuing Americans whether he's married or not, for example Wendi Deng. Why did he ask for pictures from anonymous women? They could have free phone calls via wechat. You either trust him or have a decision to make.

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Mrs. John Adams

I would buy my ticket ASAP....and go with him. While there....I would insist on meeting her....and I would let her know beyond any shadow of a doubt...who is in charge.

 

In addition....I would tell him how you feel and your fears....I would insist on transparency....explain why.

 

His reaction will tell you if you have over reacted. If he continues to be sneaky, if he denies without offering you comfort to reassure you.....then you indeed have something to worry about.

 

If you indeed think he is in an EA.....and if he does not straighten up....go to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.....not as a threat.....but so that you know your rights.

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Michelle ma Belle

Sorry but this whole thing makes me very uneasy. Let's not forget that this guy, although you THINK he hasn't had any infidelities to speak of, has been KNOWN to message random women for pictures. Does anyone else see this as a huge red flag??

 

Then his weird behavior regarding this woman from China and his very sad explanations which sound more like lame excuses to me. He's not even a good liar for heaven's sake.

 

Sure, you can demand to travel with him to China but what about all the other trips he may have to go on? Will you tailgate every trip from here on out just so you can be somewhat certain he isn't canoodling with other women? Sounds very exhausting to me.

 

And for the love of God OP, please do not be so naive into thinking he hasn't done anything more than ask for a few innocent pics. He's clearly shown that he has the propensity for inappropriate behavior. That would be enough for me to walk away.

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A few weeks ago, I looked in his translation app and saw phrases like, "if you are not doing anything later, maybe a can get together" or "you look beautiful tonight". When I confronted him, he simply says he doesn't remember.

 

Am I over reacting?. What can I do?

 

Unless he remembers he was planning to teach you Mandarin, I say you have some legitimate concerns. If you don't consider him already involved in an EA, he is soon on his way to one if these behaviors do not change.

 

Tell him that as his wife you have to believe him, but if you find any other evidence of his interaction with her -- you're done. No "if's", "and's", or "but's." Or as they say in baseball, "strike 3, you're out!"

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Last September 2015, my husband travelled for business to China. Since his return, he has been chatting with a woman who he met there. She was someone assigned to translate for him. They have been chatting via WeChat (Chinese facebook) and he had❤ many of her posts, especially the ones of her face. He has privately messaged her to send him pictures of herself, to tell her she looks good and even to say that he hopes to see her once he found out he was returning in January 2016.

 

When I confronted him, he simply said that there was nothing sexual, that they were just friends and that I was overreacting. I don't think he did anything sexual with her but I feel that if there was the opportunity, he may have. I also feel that if I had not found out about it, he would probably still be chatting to her still (I asked him to delete her profile)

 

A few weeks ago, I looked in his translation app and saw phrases like, "if you are not doing anything later, maybe a can get together" or "you look beautiful tonight". When I confronted him, he simply says he doesn't remember.

 

He is supposed to return to China in march and I am so stressed. He said that nothing happened and that nothing will. Am I over reacting?. What can I do?

 

Naomi:

 

Your husband at the very lease is having an emotional affair with this women. That is a given. He also has a history of flirting with other women via text or chats. That is not good.

 

My affair started with the OW claiming she just wanted to be friends, it escalated quickly.

 

Yes, as others have advised, go to china with him, and while there keep a close eye on him.

 

I would say, if you have the money, put a PI on him, because most of my meetings with the OW occurred during the day....at lunch, in the a.m. before work and right after work.

 

Certainly do not allow him to spend days off away from you, while in china.

 

If he is leaving for work earlier than he normally does, this is a red flag. He may be meeting her before work.

 

Your other alternative is to ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph.

 

If he says yes, to appease you, be sure to actually follow through with it. Doing so sometimes leads to a confession right as the polygraph is about to begin.

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Flirting, EA or PA. Hard to tell however, If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, its a fing duck. Cheaters will cheat and liars will lie and will try to convince the whole world its not so and its your fault. I am not sure if you should fly all the way to China to chaperone this guy. You will have a horrible time. Perhaps you should simply let him know you have concerns and wish him to take a polygraph, AFTER he returns from China. If he fails or it is inconclusive, divorce papers will be ready for signing.

 

Then wish him a good trip. Now the squirming will be on him.

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Definitely some smoke there. If it were me, I would tell him you are interested in joining him to China (even if you're not) to gauge his reaction. If he says sure come along, I would feel better about it. If he thinks of many reasons not to, I would be very suspicious.

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If he's done this before, this woman isn't your problem, your husband is the problem. He can cheat anywhere, doesn't matter the country & if she's his translator I would assume that he's still going to hang out with her wether or not you go on the trip. I'm sure he isn't going to be taking you to the business meetings with him, nor are you going to know the truth of what time he's done ext...

 

IMO, if you have to get PI & do polygraph tests you're already to the point that you need some MC. Get tough, tell him to knock his crap off & ask to see his emails & whatever else right now. If he won't, then you'll already know that he has things in there he doesn't want you to see.

 

You can't watch someone 24 hours a day & why would you want to? You need to get to the bottom of why he keeps doing this. He can look at porn pics without knowing the women, he has a problem & needs to face it. Make him face it...

Good luck

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Michelle ma Belle

Seriously, if you're in any kind of a relationship where you need to use a polygraph then you're way past the point of no return in my humble opinion.

 

I couldn't agree more with Whoknew30, this isn't about the other women, it's about your husband. He's the one with a serious problem. I'm not sure what more you need for you to see what we all see.

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If he's done this before, this woman isn't your problem, your husband is the problem. He can cheat anywhere, doesn't matter the country & if she's his translator I would assume that he's still going to hang out with her wether or not you go on the trip. I'm sure he isn't going to be taking you to the business meetings with him, nor are you going to know the truth of what time he's done ext...

 

IMO, if you have to get PI & do polygraph tests you're already to the point that you need some MC. Get tough, tell him to knock his crap off & ask to see his emails & whatever else right now. If he won't, then you'll already know that he has things in there he doesn't want you to see.

 

You can't watch someone 24 hours a day & why would you want to? You need to get to the bottom of why he keeps doing this. He can look at porn pics without knowing the women, he has a problem & needs to face it. Make him face it...

Good luck

 

Knowing for certain that he is cheating will help her get more in a divorce court. She needs to get the facts one way or the other.

 

Telling him to knock his crap off will only alert him and perhaps push him further underground.

 

I think she is aware that her husband is the problem.

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Knowing for certain that he is cheating will help her get more in a divorce court. She needs to get the facts one way or the other.

 

Telling him to knock his crap off will only alert him and perhaps push him further underground.

 

I think she is aware that her husband is the problem.

 

Not in my state! You can have video of your spouse in the act with a 100 different people & it doesn't matter.

 

Push him underground to what? He's done this before. She knows she can't trust him, isn't that already enough? Once you know you can't trust your spouse it's either get into MC bc the jig is up or move on. A spouse isn't a babysitter. If you have to babysit a grown man, why bother?

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Not in my state! You can have video of your spouse in the act with a 100 different people & it doesn't matter.

 

Push him underground to what? He's done this before. She knows she can't trust him, isn't that already enough? Once you know you can't trust your spouse it's either get into MC bc the jig is up or move on. A spouse isn't a babysitter. If you have to babysit a grown man, why bother?

 

Even in states with full no fault, she still may want to recoup some money.

 

Here is a quote from an article about the issue of affairs effecting divorce settlements:

 

except in cases where one spouse has used marital assets to support the extra-marital relationship. For example, if a husband borrows against a marital asset in order to support his mistress, that fact would likely be taken into account in distributing the assets of the marriage. ...

 

n some states where fault is still a factor in divorce proceedings (even where no-fault divorce exists, in some states there is still fault-based divorce that -- when proven -- can impact support or property division) an adulterous relationship can seriously reduce (or even eliminate) the obligation of one spouse to pay alimony to the unfaithful spouse regardless of need. In addition, alimony already in place is often terminated when a spouse or ex-spouse lives with another person.

 

If the straying spouse happens to pick up a sexually transmitted disease, and later infects his or her spouse with that illness, that can give rise to a personal injury action between spouses called an interspousal tort.

 

 

Divorce Questions: How Does Adultery Affect A Divorce Case?

 

 

 

Who Knew:

 

In some US no fault states it is still a mitigating factor and even though she/he does not have to do so, a judge will often award more assets to the loyal spouse.

 

As for why the loyal spouse would want to baby sit him. That's her business.

 

If he is only having and EA or even if it's already a PA and she derails the affair fog, she has a better chance of saving her marriage.

 

The marriage vows work both ways. Some marriages can be saved after an affair.

 

Some can't. Maybe the OP wants to try to save her marriage.

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TrustedthenBusted

I wouldn't fly all the way to China to keep my spouse from cheating. In fact, I wouldn't walk across the street to do it.

 

If YOU have to prevent it, what does that tell you? Let him go, trust your gut, and when his defenses are down, bust him.

 

It's his choice to make.

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I wouldn't fly all the way to China to keep my spouse from cheating. In fact, I wouldn't walk across the street to do it.

 

If YOU have to prevent it, what does that tell you? Let him go, trust your gut, and when his defenses are down, bust him.

 

It's his choice to make.

 

Well, don't forget in some states, if she is a higher wage earner, he can ask her for alimony.

 

If she has proof he cheated, and divorces, she will still have the upper hand.

 

She needs to get proof.

 

I get that you wouldn't walk across the street to prevent a cheating spouse, you would just walk. Maybe you can afford to pay a cheating spouse alimony. Who knows.

 

But really all that matter is what this OP wants to do.

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Even in states with full no fault, she still may want to recoup some money.

 

Here is a quote from an article about the issue of affairs effecting divorce settlements:

 

except in cases where one spouse has used marital assets to support the extra-marital relationship. For example, if a husband borrows against a marital asset in order to support his mistress, that fact would likely be taken into account in distributing the assets of the marriage. ...

 

n some states where fault is still a factor in divorce proceedings (even where no-fault divorce exists, in some states there is still fault-based divorce that -- when proven -- can impact support or property division) an adulterous relationship can seriously reduce (or even eliminate) the obligation of one spouse to pay alimony to the unfaithful spouse regardless of need. In addition, alimony already in place is often terminated when a spouse or ex-spouse lives with another person.

 

If the straying spouse happens to pick up a sexually transmitted disease, and later infects his or her spouse with that illness, that can give rise to a personal injury action between spouses called an interspousal tort.

 

 

Divorce Questions: How Does Adultery Affect A Divorce Case?

 

 

 

Who Knew:

 

In some US no fault states it is still a mitigating factor and even though she/he does not have to do so, a judge will often award more assets to the loyal spouse.

 

As for why the loyal spouse would want to baby sit him. That's her business.

 

If he is only having and EA or even if it's already a PA and she derails the affair fog, she has a better chance of saving her marriage.

 

The marriage vows work both ways. Some marriages can be saved after an affair.

 

Some can't. Maybe the OP wants to try to save her marriage.

 

 

Liam, I have 3 best friends that are all attorneys in my state. Not from what they tell me.

 

I know some marriages can be saved bc my H & I both had affairs. It isn't healthy to cheat & it isn't healthy to babysit. Either one isn't a marriage. She asked for advice, it'd be her business if she chose to ignore it too...doesn't make it healthy.

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Liam, I have 3 best friends that are all attorneys in my state. Not from what they tell me.

 

 

Don't trust what I say, regarding what I posted, do a quick google search for yourself.

 

I had an attorney that once definitively told me an email could not serve as a binding contract. He was a highly paid attorney, his fees were the highest in our area, he was referred to me by a good friend.

 

Well guess what, he was wrong. It was a binding contract and I won my case.

 

Attorneys can be inept.

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Don't trust what I say, regarding what I posted, do a quick google search for yourself.

 

I had an attorney that once definitively told me an email could not serve as a binding contract. He was a highly paid attorney, his fees were the highest in our area, he was referred to me by a good friend.

 

Well guess what, he was wrong. It was a binding contract and I won my case.

 

Attorneys can be inept.

 

In my state there is only one way you get more, special needs child. That's it, believe me i spoke to my friends & their friends during my separation. Now if I chose to divorce, even if I had another A, I'd still get more bc I'm the primary parent. So I'm saying this as the one that would walk away with more...in some states it just doesn't matter.

 

 

You're lawyer sucked! You can even have a verbal contract, so to say something in writing is useless, doesn't even make sense.

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You're lawyer sucked! You can even have a verbal contract, so to say something in writing is useless, doesn't even make sense.

 

Actually, he is an reportedly brilliant attorney, by all accounts, who has won many large cases and commands high fees because of his log of winning cases.

 

However, he insisted at the time, when the internet was new, that email was a gray area because it was so new and also the sender of the email could not be proven.

 

I did my own research and found out he was wrong. If it had certain elements, it was implied that a particular company was the sender. Also, in many circumstance a judge has some discretion, regarding a final decision.

 

Oral contracts are not always binding, it depends on the state:

 

An oral contract is a contract, the terms of which have been agreed by spoken communication. This is in contrast to a written contract, where the contract is a written document. There may be written, or other physical evidence, of an oral contract – for example where the parties write down what they have agreed – but the contract itself is not a written one.

 

 

In general, oral contracts are just as valid as written ones, but some jurisdictions either require a contract to be in writing in certain circumstances (for example where real property is being conveyed), or that a contract be evidenced in writing (although the contract itself may be oral). An example of the latter is the requirement that a contract of guarantee be evidenced in writing, which is found in the Statute of Frauds.

 

 

Similarly, the limitation period prescribed for an action may be shorter for an oral contract than it is for a written one.

 

 

The term verbal contract is sometimes incorrectly used as a synonym for oral contract. However, a verbal contract is one that is agreed to using words, either written or spoken, as opposed to an implied contract.

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oral_contract

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