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Did your ws lie to their "other"?


wmacbride

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Didn't want to derail a thread, so I'll ask the question here.

 

Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?

 

I don't think mine did. I found emails between the two of them, and it was the opposite. He actually defended me when she tried to insult me. I don't understand the paradox of the situation, and don;t think I ever will. Mid you, he was dealing with combat related ptsd at the time, but even so, it just never realy made sense to me.

 

She is a serial ow, who enjoys the sense of power that comes from, at least in her mind, "seducing" someone else's spouse and sticking it to their wives. Even long after each A is over, she can't seem to stop.

 

I don't understand how that can be a good feeling, but then again, I don't really understand anything about her thought processes.

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He didn't lie per say...the old she's not there for me & I can't talk to her. Pretty standard. He didn't bad mouth me as a person but played the "whoa is me" card. He did leave out the part that the first 7 years of our marriage, I was literally fighting for life & that's the reason he felt he couldn't come to me with things bc I was going through enough emotionally...so it was a half truth.

 

That was the extent, she told me herself that after he told her that...he also told her that the subject of me was no longer up for discussion.

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Yes mine lied.

 

I don't know if he talked bad about me necessarily, but I think he may have.

 

But he DID tell her we were split up, and had been for years (WTF!?) but were for some reason still cohabitating.

 

Found that out when I confronted her to please stop contacting him. She wanted to know why I was looking through my "ex's" phone.

 

And I have been the wandering spouse as well... But I didn't talk smack about him, other than he is struggling with his own difficulties, and I was being selfish and getting some of my own needs met on the side. I dismissed suggestions to leave him, or that he was a bad person....

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I don't think I was a topic of conversation other than "we are not in a good place". The lies he told were about himself. Lots of those. They flattered each other to get what they wanted, so they only told each other very one sided things about each other. The whole affair was based on deceit, but I don't think I was bad mouthed because the emails are him saying this is a short term fling going no where and I'm not leaving my wife ever. She wrote bad things about her husband. She was looking for a financial savior so she could leave her marriage. She had email Tourette's and put way too much info in writing which was a huge problem since I forwarded them all to her bh. Who was her ap/brother in law in her first marriage. But really, who is ever totally honest in an affair?

 

The nastiness towards me started after the affair was over.

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I dont think so, and I don't think she bad mouthed me either. Not her style.

 

However what I worry is that she shared too much about me - which she tended to do with others. I am the only one she ever lied to - or hid things from. From day one she decided she would have to lie and hide from me to get me to commit to her.

 

Sigh.

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I don't think mine did. I found emails between the two of them, and it was the opposite. He actually defended me when she tried to insult me. I don't understand the paradox of the situation, and don;t think I ever will. Mid you, he was dealing with combat related ptsd at the time, but even so, it just never realy made sense to me.

 

She is a serial ow, who enjoys the sense of power that comes from, at least in her mind, "seducing" someone else's spouse and sticking it to their wives. Even long after each A is over, she can't seem to stop.

 

I'd be careful wmacbride, in demonizing the OW you're coming very close to rationalizing your WS's behavior and rug sweeping it for him. I doubt she was quite the Big Bad Wolf to his LRRH as you describe.

 

My WS told her AP we were physically separated, not true at the time...

 

Mr. Lucky

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My WS told her other men that our marriage was dead, just saying together for our daughter, that I didn't care if she slept with other people.

 

All a load of crap. She basically took every opportunity to paint herself as a victim and that she needed rescuing from these other men.

 

And they all bought it hook, line and sinker. Ironic part is they told her tons of lies as well (they loved kids, would totally want to have more, that they weren't banging hookers anymore, that they totally had their drinking under control).

 

In my experience, one lie just leads to a whole lot more lies.

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k

I'd be careful wmacbride, in demonizing the OW you're coming very close to rationalizing your WS's behavior and rug sweeping it for him. I doubt she was quite the Big Bad Wolf to his LRRH as you describe.

 

My WS told her AP we were physically separated, not true at the time...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I saw for myself the kinds of things she would do.

For example, these are a couples of examples of their conversations from when they were "just friends".

 

ow- how's your day going?

ws- not so great

ow- why? what's up?

ws- just a bad day. ykwim? kids were at the doctors all day again. W is upstairs sleeping. This has been hard on her. She was up all night with them.

ow- why isn't she with you? she's shouldn't be ignoring you like this.

ws- she's exhausted and needs to sleep

ow- doesn't sound like she cares that much about you. if she did, she'd be with you

 

a few days later

 

ws- I am going to have to stop spending so much time online with you, it bothers W, and she has aksed me to stop

 

ow- doesn't she trust you?

ws- i think so, she just doesn't want me spending so much time online and not with her

ow- jealous much? doesn't she want you to have any friends?

 

|she was great at planting seeds, and of course, H was foolish enough to let them grow.

 

and she did the " you're my knight in shining armor" bit, telling him that she'd had an abusive boyfriend, that she needed someone to talk to.

 

There were dozens of examples of this sort of thing. I saw them for myself both in the emails and chat logs he showed me and the ones she forward to me afterwards.

 

I wish he hadn't been so "teitterpated" and had exercised much tighter boundaries. One good thing that came from all of this is that he sure does now.

 

He left for overseas a few weeks after their A ended, and while he was gone, she sent him more emails - anonymously, trying to convince him that I was cheating on him. She didn't realize they were all sent over the secure system, and included the sender's information. when that didn't work, she started trying to contact me , telling me she was going to kill herself and it would all be my fault. Feeling bad for her, I believed her and tried to get some help.

 

Didn't work, and the calls and emails kept on coming. I know some say that the bs should forget about the ow, but in some cases, you can't do that, as they won't let you. It took getting the law involved to make a difference. Military law being differenet than civilian law in some ways, she ended up in a lot of trouble, as did my spouse. He and I went to his CO and he owned up to it, and explained how the harassment was getting out of hand. He was passed over for a promotion, and since this wasn't her first rodeo, she was involuntarily released.

 

She's a disordered person, but I still feel pity for her. She must be very unhappy to be the way she is, and I don't like the idea of someone feeling that badly about herself. She's pretty, can be quite bubbly ( yes, I knew her before the A) and is fairly intelligent. She could easily find a string of single guys who would love to be with her.

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Of course WS's lie! They lie to everyone. Mine said I was a bad lay so that the OW could bring her A game to the bedroom. She had the balls to tell me I needed to step it up.

 

She of course felt dumb when I told her that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about, and my WH obviously got what he wanted and didn't even want to be with her after the fact.

 

The lie is the key to the sex.

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Of course WS's lie! They lie to everyone. Mine said I was a bad lay so that the OW could bring her A game to the bedroom. She had the balls to tell me I needed to step it up.

 

She of course felt dumb when I told her that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about, and my WH obviously got what he wanted and didn't even want to be with her after the fact.

 

The lie is the key to the sex.

 

I get that...but---the problem is not the OW....it's the WS not respecting boundaries, commitments, etc. No married woman should have to "defend" herself or have an adversary or competition. Your husband allowed it...there are many men who NEVER cheat. This was his fault. It was his responsibility to protect your bond....don't get confused in your anger. It's easy to transfer anger....harder to place blame where it's deserved.

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wmacbride,

Yes, my WS lied to the OW. (I know what he said, because much later it came back to me via a circuitous route.)

 

 

He told her that he never got enough affection ( he was the one who pushed me away repeatedly in bed and who wouldn't sit next to me on the couch)

 

 

He said I had got fat ( I was 5'3" and 130 lbs at the time he started cheating) I had put on 7lbs in 5 years of marriage.

 

 

He said I never had time for him. (This was because I was working a f/t job, looking after pets, a home, doing all the domestic tasks while he came home from work every night and sat on his @r$e, saying he had had a hard day.)

 

 

He said I was always nagging him to do things about the house - see above ^^.

 

 

He said that I "didn't look after myself" - not sure what that meant but bear in mind I didn't have spare cash to buy fancy clothes because of all my financial commitments on our home, which I mainly paid for ( I earned more than he did). I worked in a healthcare industry which meant I could not have long nails, wear perfume or complicated hair-styles.

 

 

OW on the other hand was living at home with mother and could spend all her spare cash on herself.

 

 

So basically, using lies and half-truths, he painted a picture of a harridan of a wife who was a slut and a nag. The OW sucked it all up and he got the sympathy vote.

 

 

What the OW never asked him was "If your situation is so bad, and she is so awful to live with, why are you still there?" !!

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My married tennis partner just tried to kiss me last night. I just said "don't" and he stopped moving forward. I asked him wth is going on and he felt bad about trying, kind of. Did not say anything bad about his wife of 20 something yrs, but admitted he has a character flaw - he cheats on her with other women. Cannot help it, does not look for it but it happens sometimes. Does not feel guilty about it either.

So in that crappy situation, at least he did not try to BS about anything, blame his wife, or anyone else but himself. An ahole with at least some sense of honesty.

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ShatteredLady

My H first had an A with her 12 years ago when they worked together. My H's behavior to me was far worse than the A. It was horrific. Slowly I was isolated & abused. I still believe that he was going through some kind of mental break.

 

I learnt shocking lessons, I wish I never knew. I am forever changed.

I now know how a W can live with a serial killer for 30 years & have no idea! We do not know anyone. We don't know what their brain is capable of.

I now know that ANYONE can be abused. Given the 'right' set of circumstances at the right time.

 

Last year I learnt that she had reached out once or twice a year for all that time.

 

When I finally REALLY snooped I found all of their first communications. She sent "Hi!" Via Linked-In. A week later he replied....

 

From the very first mail it was lies & manipulation. They then changed to a secret account but I found some of the emails exchanged. Yes!! Lots & lots of lies. I'd feel desperately sorry for any man living with a useless cripple, waste of space, witch like me!!

 

The kids didn't even know it was his birthday/Father's Day. (We made a huge fuss of him)

I was a bed ridden cripple who did nothing. (How anyone can believe that of someone who has raised babies & toddlers (OMG) without a support system & a H who works 10+ hours a day. Wouldn't my kids be maimed or dead?)

 

He quoted the bible & country music. He's an atheist who HATES country & western music.

 

The hardest thing to cope with as a BS is the lies which are based on an element of truth. They're killers!! My health is terrible. I've done everything I can, became an expert on my conditions & supported others etc. but the truth is, deep inside, most chronic pain patients worry that they are burdens & no-longer of value to anyone.

I battled so hard for so long to be 'normal'. Sometimes I'm so insulted & angry that I could be portrayed that way after dedicating my life to being the opposite. Some days I believe it all. If I was an animal I would be put out of my misery. In some cultures I would of been sent out onto a snowy mountain.

 

When I first posted, before I knew about the OW most responses were on my H's side as soon as I said "I'm a chronic pain patient". No-one should be held to "In sickness & in health". Everyone deserves happiness & fulfillment. Maybe it's because I see the truth in that it's the most painful thing. Believing that you're only a negative to the world & your loved ones is more crippling than a crumbling spine & cancer.

 

It's best to never know what they say.

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It's best to never know what they say.

 

Agreed. And beyond that, I've never understood the fascination and post DDay focus on what the APs said or wrote to each other. Or whether my WS affaired up or down. Or whether the OW/M was younger, older, taller, shorter, better looking or resembled a bridge troll. Or how the OW/M seduced, roped, manipulated, cajoled, bribed, shaped, managed, plied, played, groomed or molded the WS.

 

What does any of that have to do with MY spouse's decision to cheat on ME?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr Lucky,

 

 

"I've never understood the fascination and post DDay focus on what the APs said or wrote to each other. Or whether my WS affaired up or down. Or whether the OW/M was younger, older, taller, shorter, better looking or resembled a bridge troll. Or how the OW/M seduced, roped, manipulated, cajoled, bribed, shaped, managed, plied, played, groomed or molded the WS.

 

What does any of that have to do with MY spouse's decision to cheat on ME?"

 

 

^^^ An astute post which is perfectly logical.

 

 

However, IMO most of us that were cheated on were totally blindsided and in a state of shock on DD as our whole life imploded.

 

 

I think it's understandable to try and look for answers in order to make sense of and process what's going on. Maybe people look in the wrong place, possibly.

 

 

I can't speak for anyone else but I loved my husband on DD but I knew, logically, that the marriage was over for me. I still loved him 6 months later as the divorce went through. I was torn in two as my heart tried to catch up with my head.

 

 

I looked for any kind of information that could explain what had happened, but I never found it.

 

 

It took me a very long time to accept that it was my WS decision to cheat alone, and that neither me, the man in the Moon, God or anyone/anything else could have prevented it and it was not my fault.

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Didn't want to derail a thread, so I'll ask the question here.

 

Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?

 

 

He did lie to me about her - though I don't think it was an intentional lie, just a misperception. He said she was a "good person", just troubled by her difficult past.

 

Now that he's been out from her influence, he's been able to recognise her for what she is. Deeply damaged, yes. Fundamentally good, no - fundamentally mixed, good and bad, even if the good is deeply hidden most of the time.

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k

 

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I saw for myself the kinds of things she would do.

For example, these are a couples of examples of their conversations from when they were "just friends".

 

ow- how's your day going?

ws- not so great

ow- why? what's up?

ws- just a bad day. ykwim? kids were at the doctors all day again. W is upstairs sleeping. This has been hard on her. She was up all night with them.

ow- why isn't she with you? she's shouldn't be ignoring you like this.

ws- she's exhausted and needs to sleep

ow- doesn't sound like she cares that much about you. if she did, she'd be with you

 

a few days later

 

ws- I am going to have to stop spending so much time online with you, it bothers W, and she has aksed me to stop

 

ow- doesn't she trust you?

ws- i think so, she just doesn't want me spending so much time online and not with her

ow- jealous much? doesn't she want you to have any friends?

 

|she was great at planting seeds, and of course, H was foolish enough to let them grow.

 

and she did the " you're my knight in shining armor" bit, telling him that she'd had an abusive boyfriend, that she needed someone to talk to.

 

There were dozens of examples of this sort of thing. I saw them for myself both in the emails and chat logs he showed me and the ones she forward to me afterwards.

 

I wish he hadn't been so "teitterpated" and had exercised much tighter boundaries. One good thing that came from all of this is that he sure does now.

 

He left for overseas a few weeks after their A ended, and while he was gone, she sent him more emails - anonymously, trying to convince him that I was cheating on him. She didn't realize they were all sent over the secure system, and included the sender's information. when that didn't work, she started trying to contact me , telling me she was going to kill herself and it would all be my fault. Feeling bad for her, I believed her and tried to get some help.

 

Didn't work, and the calls and emails kept on coming. I know some say that the bs should forget about the ow, but in some cases, you can't do that, as they won't let you. It took getting the law involved to make a difference. Military law being differenet than civilian law in some ways, she ended up in a lot of trouble, as did my spouse. He and I went to his CO and he owned up to it, and explained how the harassment was getting out of hand. He was passed over for a promotion, and since this wasn't her first rodeo, she was involuntarily released.

 

She's a disordered person, but I still feel pity for her. She must be very unhappy to be the way she is, and I don't like the idea of someone feeling that badly about herself. She's pretty, can be quite bubbly ( yes, I knew her before the A) and is fairly intelligent. She could easily find a string of single guys who would love to be with her.

 

Good job they let her go from the military. She's the kind to destroy marriages everywhere.

 

Can't fathom how she had the cheek to try and say you were cheating....sounds like a demented broken woman.

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Didn't want to derail a thread, so I'll ask the question here.

 

Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?

 

I don't think mine did. I found emails between the two of them, and it was the opposite. He actually defended me when she tried to insult me. I don't understand the paradox of the situation, and don;t think I ever will. Mid you, he was dealing with combat related ptsd at the time, but even so, it just never realy made sense to me.

 

She is a serial ow, who enjoys the sense of power that comes from, at least in her mind, "seducing" someone else's spouse and sticking it to their wives. Even long after each A is over, she can't seem to stop.

 

I don't understand how that can be a good feeling, but then again, I don't really understand anything about her thought processes.

 

I am an ex cheating spouse.

 

No. I did not lie to the OW about my wife. I refused to talk about her at all, and repeatedly told the OW that the affair was just about sex and fun.

 

The OW initiated the affair. She claimed she had other affairs and only wanted to supplement her marriage with an affair, and had no plans to leave her husband.

 

She however did complain about her husband often. She said the sex was boring, her husband was too controlling, etc.

 

She did it repeatedly even though I told her repeatedly I did not want to think about her husband, during the affair.

 

She also appeared to become, very quickly, very curious about my wife, and very competitive.

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Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?

 

.

 

It seems to ask the BS if the WS ever told lies about the BS to the OW / OM. Which is what I answered.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post ~T
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It seems to ask the BS if the WS ever told lies about the BS to the OW / OM. Which is what I answered.

 

.

 

 

I must have misunderstood that as well. ..because I thought the question was

 

"Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?"

 

It wasn't YOUR WS... you were the OW and not the BW.

 

Perhaps the OP can clarify if she was asking this question to APs /OWs or if it was for those who had a WS.....I understand your H was a WS.. but not your WS.

 

OP....please clarify if you can.

 

Thanks

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post ~T
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I must have misunderstood that as well. ..because I thought the question was

 

"Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?"

 

It wasn't YOUR WS... you were the OW and not the BW.

 

Perhaps the OP can clarify if she was asking this question to APs /OWs or if it was for those who had a WS.....I understand your H was a WS.. but not your WS.

 

OP....please clarify if you can.

 

Thanks

 

I ws interested in hearing from the bs, not the ow.

 

I asked what i did simply because there is a perception that ws lie to ow or om, and I was wondering if that's true. the best person to speak to that would be the bs or the ws, more so the ws. The Ow or Om can't really answer the question, as , unless they were told nothing, they have no idea if what they were being told is lies, truths or the situation behind it.

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Mrs. John Adams

First...how would you know if your ws lied? The only way you would know what they told the AP is if they tell the BS what they said.

 

I did not lie to my ap...the om.

I did not criticize my husband

I talked about my family...my husband and my children...often

My situation is a little different...my om...was looking for a conquest...a one time thank you ma'am.

 

So there was no reason for me to lie to him about my family....I had absolutely no intention of committing adultery.

 

I am not sure what you are looking for with your question.

Are there some waywards who paint an ugly picture of their spouse?

I am sure there are.

 

But I did not.

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I ws interested in hearing from the bs, not the ow.

 

I asked what i did simply because there is a perception that ws lie to ow or om, and I was wondering if that's true. the best person to speak to that would be the bs or the ws, more so the ws. The Ow or Om can't really answer the question, as , unless they were told nothing, they have no idea if what they were being told is lies, truths or the situation behind it.

 

Thanks very much for clarifying.

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I ws interested in hearing from the bs, not the ow.

 

I asked what i did simply because there is a perception that ws lie to ow or om, and I was wondering if that's true. the best person to speak to that would be the bs or the ws, more so the ws. The Ow or Om can't really answer the question, as , unless they were told nothing, they have no idea if what they were being told is lies, truths or the situation behind it.

 

I fully understand your point...and your question. I'm not sure why there was a confusion or lack of comprehension.

 

Some WS lie about their BS..but it's often to tell themselves it's often to justify the A. I think they get so caught up in their own lies they don't know the truth anymore.....at least that's what a few of the WS's I support have said. Rather sad really.

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