Cloudcuckoo Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I recently had cause for a lengthy and profound conversation about the nature of affairs and what it means when a husband or wife has only one, the implications of that in terms of length, involvement and so forth and what occurs in circumstances when there has been more than one. My own husband had a 4 year long term affair that devastated us for a considerable time and I believe had it re-ignited or had he gone on to repeat such degradation I feel I would likely have been unwilling to even look in his face frankly, though of course I'm not certain because that didn't happen. I'm interested in thoughts from those of you have experienced a long term affair that happened once, and those of you who have been through it more then once. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 4 years with another person is not an affair, it is leading a double life. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I recently had cause for a lengthy and profound conversation about the nature of affairs and what it means when a husband or wife has only one, the implications of that in terms of length, involvement and so forth and what occurs in circumstances when there has been more than one. My own husband had a 4 year long term affair that devastated us for a considerable time and I believe had it re-ignited or had he gone on to repeat such degradation I feel I would likely have been unwilling to even look in his face frankly, though of course I'm not certain because that didn't happen. I'm interested in thoughts from those of you have experienced a long term affair that happened once, and those of you who have been through it more then once. The only way to know for certain that this was his only affair is to have him take a polygraph. More than one, too, with different polygraphers. Because the art of a poly is in the interpretation. I took three, at my wife's request and passed all of them. I had an affair an it was really something I would NEVER do again. I never think of the OW accept for the fact that she resurfaced three years after I ended the affair and began stalking my wife by phone and mail. The fact that your husband was with the same partner for three years is insignificant, IMO. Whether one is in an affair for four years or four months, it's really all the same. IMO, it's wrong and deceitful. Factors to consider on whether or not it was truly a double life or just a sexual thing are: Was he supporting her by paying for her house or apartment? Did he spend a lot of money on her, or more than he spent on you. If so, has he made it up to you, by spending on you, now? How often did they meet. How did you find out? These may be question you can also ask during a poly. Supposedly yes and no questions are most reliable in a poly. Asking an emotional question like "did you love her" typically gives questionable results because emotions are to open ended and often difficult to define rigidly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 My own husband had a 4 year long term affair that devastated us for a considerable time and I believe had it re-ignited or had he gone on to repeat such degradation I feel I would likely have been unwilling to even look in his face frankly, though of course I'm not certain because that didn't happen. I'm always fascinated by the point at which the line in sand falls for different people. I'd guess I'd be more likely to forgive a couple of ONS than a single 4 year affair simply based on what each represented - though that's obviously a personal assessment. As my marriage never recovered from my ex-wife's month long A, I'm probably a poor judge either way... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 4 years with another person is not an affair, it is leading a double life. Exactly. Having one lengthy affair can be even more damaging than a bunch of random ONS in my opinion. At least with ONS one could argue that it's just about the sex and nothing more whereas with a long term affair, feelings and emotions are more likely part of what kept them together for as long as it has. It's not necessarily the quantity but the quality of the affairs that you should be worried about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I cannot imagine what having an ongoing affair would mean to a relationship. How do either of you heal from a 4 year affair? So much can transpire in a 4 year time period..... My affair...was very short...and we have worked so hard for so many years to get beyond the effects of my infidelity...that I cannot imagine trying to get past an on going relationship of 4 years. That's longer than many marriages last.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I know I couldn't possibly ever remain by my husband's side if he had a long term affair....as far as a short-term....not sure I could handle it either....I think if someone crosses that line at that moment they don't care or are willing to risk losing you....and the best predictor of the future is the past....given that roughly half the population doesn't cheat I'd rather embark on a different journey. Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 IMO the type of affair is irrelevant. Whether long term, short term, or ONS....if it's so easy to give away one's loyalty, they'll have no problems doing it again once the opportunity arise. If betrayal is a part of their character and they can "get away with it" once more, what is stopping them? I was in false reconciliation for 10 years. I believed him when he said he changed. He didn't and I wasted a lot of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) I know I couldn't possibly ever remain by my husband's side if he had a long term affair....as far as a short-term....not sure I could handle it either....I think if someone crosses that line at that moment they don't care or are willing to risk losing you....and the best predictor of the future is the past....given that roughly half the population doesn't cheat I'd rather embark on a different journey. Gigi: How do you know that only half the population cheats? Maybe only half confessed or got caught. Or had a longer affair, the type that is most likely to get the cheater caught or push them to confess. Most people will not admit to cheating. They sometimes won't even admit it to themselves let alone to a pollster or even an anonymous questionnaire. I know a lot of men through organizations I belong to, from work, from schools I attended, all of them fantasize about cheating, whether married or in an exclusive dating relationship. Do you consider a lap Dance cheating? What about a happy ending after a massage? I do. I never told my friends about my affair. But I cheated. They just don't know because my wife and I are very private people and opted to only tell our marriage counselors. As for a one night stand. Well just one, might not be too dangerous. But a series of One nighters might indicate a sex addiction. I do think a long term relationship is likely more painful for the spouse. But a series of one nighters should be just as concerning. Edited February 4, 2016 by Liam1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 My A lasted a year & honestly he would have been the only person I would have had a A with...I could never do it again. So is it possible to only have one A, yes very. I don't know what's "better"...one long term A I would assume is more hurtful. My H A wasn't long term & he didn't have feelings for her so he felt mine was a little worse but felt better when he found out we hadn't had much sex, to where I felt a little better bc his was just based on sex & attention...I think it's just different for everyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 We all have our lines....and we don't really know what they are until they have been crossed. No affair is easy...emotionally involved but no sex...one time sex....sex a thousand times....one night.... 4 years.... it really doesn't matter...betrayal is betrayal...cheating is cheating. My husband WISHES that i had not had sex one time....and i guess in his mind...that would not have been as painful to deal with...and he may very well be right. He had a short affair with no intercourse...and I don't have much of an issue with it....yet there are those here that struggle with the same kind of scenario....their husbands did not have sex with the other woman...but it haunts them. A 4 year affair to me...seems like a marriage....that's a lot of lying and deceiving and planning...I cannot imagine finding out that john had a 4 year ongoing relationship with another woman...Wouldn't it mean you loved the other person?? and why would the cheater want to live in that kind of lifestyle for so long? The torment must be horrible... Gosh I just don't comprehend this..... Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 We all have our lines....and we don't really know what they are until they have been crossed. No affair is easy...emotionally involved but no sex...one time sex....sex a thousand times....one night.... 4 years.... it really doesn't matter...betrayal is betrayal...cheating is cheating. My husband WISHES that i had not had sex one time....and i guess in his mind...that would not have been as painful to deal with...and he may very well be right. He had a short affair with no intercourse...and I don't have much of an issue with it....yet there are those here that struggle with the same kind of scenario....their husbands did not have sex with the other woman...but it haunts them. A 4 year affair to me...seems like a marriage....that's a lot of lying and deceiving and planning...I cannot imagine finding out that john had a 4 year ongoing relationship with another woman...Wouldn't it mean you loved the other person?? and why would the cheater want to live in that kind of lifestyle for so long? The torment must be horrible... Gosh I just don't comprehend this.....[/quote I know a couple (the girl is my cousin) that have been in a 8 year on & off again A. I don't understand it either. I know they love each other bc no matter how many she's told me it's done, as soon as they see each other they're right back & that's after a year of no contact. She told me she loves him but doesn't want the backlash from our family. They barely have sex, they always end up fighting & "ending it" hes never said he loves her but by the way he looks at her after 8 years, you can see it. IMO, neither one of them want to pull the trigger first. It's really sad to see on all sides. 2 BS that have no idea & 2 WS that love each other & don't know what to do. I could have never lived that way. A taste of it & I had to stop. Everyone is just so different. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 what a very sad story... I almost had a nervous breakdown over my one time...I cannot imagine trying to juggle my life around constant cheating.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudcuckoo Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 4 years with another person is not an affair, it is leading a double life. It most certainly is, but an affair none the less... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudcuckoo Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 We all have our lines....and we don't really know what they are until they have been crossed. No affair is easy...emotionally involved but no sex...one time sex....sex a thousand times....one night.... 4 years.... it really doesn't matter...betrayal is betrayal...cheating is cheating. My husband WISHES that i had not had sex one time....and i guess in his mind...that would not have been as painful to deal with...and he may very well be right. He had a short affair with no intercourse...and I don't have much of an issue with it....yet there are those here that struggle with the same kind of scenario....their husbands did not have sex with the other woman...but it haunts them. A 4 year affair to me...seems like a marriage....that's a lot of lying and deceiving and planning...I cannot imagine finding out that john had a 4 year ongoing relationship with another woman...Wouldn't it mean you loved the other person?? and why would the cheater want to live in that kind of lifestyle for so long? The torment must be horrible... Gosh I just don't comprehend this..... No you don't, but that's because you were not privy to those circumstances surrounding that time. This affair was conducted under unusual circumstances. Considerable distance for one and a rather limited amount of time spent physically together. My husband's work kept him overseas for half the year. His other woman lived over three hundred miles away from our home, close to an airport he used to use for travelling to work. I knew nothing of betrayal in my life up to the point of discovery. That I naively never gave it a thought probably added to the shocking revelation that my husband was not who I believed he was at that time. He was a very different man back then. Our circumstances are all different while the bones of an affair have similarities. I agree it is difficult to comprehend another persons perspectives and experiences sometimes isn't it? Especially if they are widely different from our own, although I believe I try to appreciate and understand others perspectives, after all, it's what makes us so interesting. It's difficult to know how I might have been affected had it been longer/shorter/one night, which is what incited my curiosity about all your circumstances, experiences and feelings on the long/short/one night of it all. Would I endure another round of it? In any form? I tend to stand by 'Not bloody likely'! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Gigi: How do you know that only half the population cheats? Maybe only half confessed or got caught. Or had a longer affair, the type that is most likely to get the cheater caught or push them to confess. Most people will not admit to cheating. They sometimes won't even admit it to themselves let alone to a pollster or even an anonymous questionnaire. I know a lot of men through organizations I belong to, from work, from schools I attended, all of them fantasize about cheating, whether married or in an exclusive dating relationship. Do you consider a lap Dance cheating? What about a happy ending after a massage? I do. I never told my friends about my affair. But I cheated. They just don't know because my wife and I are very private people and opted to only tell our marriage counselors. As for a one night stand. Well just one, might not be too dangerous. But a series of One nighters might indicate a sex addiction. I do think a long term relationship is likely more painful for the spouse. But a series of one nighters should be just as concerning. I read random studies...that's all. I've never had a massage end up that happily (LOL). I know women are less likely to admit to cheating then men.. I've seen a lot of women/men have hush-hush situations at work. I was around that for 20 years. I also don't believe a person who has cheated will necessarily cheat again...I'm sure when struck with reality people may behave differently than when stating a response to a hypothetical question. Still...the thought of my spouse making love to another woman is enough for me to say....no thanks. Probably struck with the consideration of your wife making love to another you may have the same response. I admire the fact people can get past that ...just not sure I could. I believe people can make stupid mistakes and still love their spouses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I had a 4 week long affair where I was deciding between confessing or driving off a bridge. I was miserable. That was 6 years ago. There have been many stressors since then and having an affair was the last thing that appealed to me as a coping mechanism during that time. I certainly think it can be a one time thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 To quote Hillary what difference does it make, It does not matter. No matter how long the affair, what happened during the affair, the BS that chooses to recover says: Thank god it could of been worse. One AP there could of been two, could of been more. Sex once, ten times, one hundred, could of been more, at least WS did not give me a STD. Affair lasted for years, thank god the WW/OW did not get knocked up. One D day, multiple D days Never break NC, multiple breaks. So to speculate on how one would react to infidelity is pointless. Many have said one thing if it ever happened to them only to react differently on D day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I know a lot of men through organizations I belong to, from work, from schools I attended, all of them fantasize about cheating, whether married or in an exclusive dating relationship. Hard to let that one pass, that's a pretty broad brush. Unless you're attending an Ashley Madison convention, I don't think "all" of any group of men fantasize about cheating... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 hes never said he loves her but by the way he looks at her after 8 years, you can see it. IMO, neither one of them want to pull the trigger first. IMO, what he most likely likes is the excitement of the forbidden sex elicits. Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Hard to let that one pass, that's a pretty broad brush. Unless you're attending an Ashley Madison convention, I don't think "all" of any group of men fantasize about cheating... Mr. Lucky Oh well, No Ashley Madison convention. I do however have a lot of men friends. I belong to several adult sports teams, I skydive, I own a small plane, I attend conventions for business, I live part of the year in several parts of the country. I belong to three churches. I meet with a lot of people form various businesses in my career. Maybe the men you know are different, but I never met one, who wasn't very interested if another man mentioned an affair and talked about thinking about it now and then. I am glad your experience has been different. It will keep you out of trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I had a 4 week long affair where I was deciding between confessing or driving off a bridge. I was miserable. That was 6 years ago. There have been many stressors since then and having an affair was the last thing that appealed to me as a coping mechanism during that time. I certainly think it can be a one time thing. Katie Lee: My feelings exactly. It was one and done. I would never consider another affair. I satisfied my curiosity with the one affair and it was the worst experience of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloudcuckoo Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Katie Lee: My feelings exactly. It was one and done. I would never consider another affair. I satisfied my curiosity with the one affair and it was the worst experience of my life. Those were my husband's sentiments exactly Liam. He said he could never again subject his wife, his family and himself to such an experience. Link to post Share on other sites
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