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Karma :(


TexansFan

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I've been reading here for a few days, trying to get my head together. I know I'm an idiot, you don't have to tell me. Karma has paid me a nice visit. But I am so heartbroken. And confused.

So to make a long story short---I am 50 and my high school & college boyfriend contacted me at a weak moment and we got "back together". He's single, I'm married. It's been a year of cheating, for me, that is. My husband is a pretty decent guy and after 25 years, how can I just up & leave?

I told "Robert" from the beginning that it would be a very difficult transition and I didn't even know if I could leave. Robert was insistent that we were still soul mates--I thought so too. We had many lovely times and each time I left, I was so sad & confused because I loved him so much.

But the bloom fell off after about 9 months. The soul mate thing, I'm not so sure about. We argued & bickered and he didn't treat me like a queen like he did in the beginning.

And now, after a couple of months of being suspicious, because things just didn't feel right--- I find out he's been contacting his ex and basically trying to get back with her!!??

He doesn't know that I know his phone password. Hello, your birthday was so hard to figure out! Anyway, he tried some sex talk via text & she wasn't receptive. He told her he missed the two of them and wanted to talk about "us" (meaning the two of them). She was vague & said call me tomorrow and we'll talk about it. She's not very receptive & not talking like someone who wants to get back together. Then he made some crude sex reference & she "LOL, LOL". He referenced getting together this weekend, when I'm out of town.

He's not trying very hard--I'd be insulted if I were her, I think it's just a sex thing. It sounds like it. She doesn't seem to care either way, like she could take it or leave it.

But---there's living proof that my soul mate fairy tale is dead & gone.

Now as for my husband & what I've done to him...he will never know, but I do. I have ended up in the hospital with a stress related illness over this. So I'm not that cold blooded. I have to put it out of my mind & not even think about it, it's too much to bear.

But I'm just sad, for everyone. My husband. Me. :(:(

I know I suck. I just needed to vent.

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He got what he wanted from you but now he's bored and has moved onto another. Hard to tell how many he's bagged and tagged. I'd get tested for STD's if I were you.

 

What he had with you was just a sex thing in case you didn't notice. Don't underestimate yourself. You are that cold blooded. Actions speak louder than words.

 

You left your husband 9 months ago you just didn't tell him. I don't know if this is your first rodeo, I doubt it but your husband deserves better. Why not divorce him and let him find someone else.

Edited by Marc878
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Sounds like he has a standard MO... I'm going to bet you ain't his first rodeo.

 

Looks like potential OW isn't falling for it .... But you did. Get some counselling and examine that.

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He got what he wanted from you but now he's bored and has moved onto another. Hard to tell how many he's bagged and tagged. I'd get tested for STD's if I were you.

 

What he had with you was just a sex thing in case you didn't notice. Don't underestimate yourself. You are that cold blooded. Actions speak louder than words.

 

You left your husband 9 months ago you just didn't tell him. I don't know if this is your first rodeo, I doubt it but your husband deserves better. Why not divorce him and let him find someone else.

 

Well, yeah it is my first rodeo actually. I didn't think about STD's, yes you are right, I need to get tested. When I said that about being cold blooded, what I meant was, I'm not so cold-blooded as to not think of him, mention him...it's just too hard for me to do.

It's hard to reconcile the fact that this great person I once knew and who once thought the world of me (and vice versa) is now a user.

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He got what he wanted from you but now he's bored and has moved onto another. Hard to tell how many he's bagged and tagged. I'd get tested for STD's if I were you.

 

What he had with you was just a sex thing in case you didn't notice.

 

Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

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TexansFan,

 

You were used, nothing else to say.

 

I think that you will never be really whole again, until you confess to your husband and let the chips fall where they may. You may think that he will never find out, but these things will come out. Better from you, then from your so called ex soul mate.

 

Please look at your life and yourself and try and answer how you came to this. I think you are better then this. If nothing else learn from this, and recommit to your family.

 

I wish you luck.

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Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

You thought he was your soul mate, so in reality you were an easy target. Much easier than going after someone new. And now that he is planning to cheat again, who does he choose? Another ex. Do you see a pattern here?

 

Do you think your husband deserves better than to be cheated on? In what ways is he lacking as a husband? Why do you need this OM? If you won't tell your husband about the affair, at least stop cheating and become a better spouse. If not, let your husband go so he can find someone that is HIS soul mate.

 

Oh, and why would you pull for the Texans??? Geesh, you are making bad decision right and left...

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flickofthecoin
Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

I don't think you're a difficult target... I think he considered you to be an easy target because he could get his needs met without having to be involved in a legitimate relationship that isn't always daisies and sunshine. He probably contacted a long list of exes with a similar message to what he sent you initially... and you took the bait, as some of the others have or will.

 

If you feel sad for your husband and you still care for him at all, you would tell him. That's the best way to apologise to someone you've hurt, even if they currently don't know the hurt yet. You owe him this opportunity to reconsider his life with you, as you were able to do when you made the choice to cheat.

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He has NO reason to stay with you since you won't leave your H and every reason to get with another single woman. And yes it is karma, but he had no choice. YOU were the one to destroy the idea that you're soulmates.

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TexansFan,

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now. Feeling like you reconnected with an old love and then having that be a betrayal would hurt. It has been over 25 years since you dated this guy, and you broke up back then for a reason. Perhaps at the time, some of his flaws showed through and you knew to get out. Over time, you may have forgotten about the negatives of that relationship. I think you are lucky to have found this out sooner rather than later. Also, don't forget, after 25 years people change. He may have seemed like a great guy then but may not be now. Why did you two end back then?

 

Someone asked before what was missing in your marriage that made you go cheat? I think that is an important question to answer. It sounds as though even though you were in an A, you were not planning on leaving your husband. Do you still love your husband? The only reason you gave for staying married to your husband was that you have been married 25 years. I sure hope you were planning to stay for more reasons than that.

 

I do not think you need to tell your husband about the A. It will only cause him pain. I do think if you decide to stay married, you might want to figure out why you would stray and try to work on repairing your marriage. If you truly are not happy in your marriage, you might want to consider getting out, even if you have been together 25 years.

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Sweet TexansFan, ((hugs)). I'm just a couple of years ahead of you; my HS beau popped up via Facebook a year or so ago, just in time for our 35 yr HS reunion (he didn't show). I think he was testing the waters, so to speak. It's not unusual for anyone, male or female, to think of what might have been with an old sweetheart, especially the ones of our youth. In a way, it makes us feel young again, if only for a moment, and all the cares, concerns and worries of the intervening years just fade away like shaking an Etch-A-Sketch.

 

If you can take this secret to your grave, good for you. No need to put your family thru the proverbial wringer for what is best left in the past. I do recommend you seek a good counselor, just to work out why you were drawn into this net and what you can do to avoid a repeat with another fellow later (those who don't learn from the past, you know...).

 

If you find someday you must confess, do it gently and with contrite honesty, knowing it will bring pain to everyone, including rekindling your own pain.

 

May you restore love and peace in your soul.

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TexansFan,

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now. Feeling like you reconnected with an old love and then having that be a betrayal would hurt. It has been over 25 years since you dated this guy, and you broke up back then for a reason. Perhaps at the time, some of his flaws showed through and you knew to get out. Over time, you may have forgotten about the negatives of that relationship. I think you are lucky to have found this out sooner rather than later. Also, don't forget, after 25 years people change. He may have seemed like a great guy then but may not be now. Why did you two end back then?

 

Someone asked before what was missing in your marriage that made eyou go cheat? I think that is an important question to answer. It sounds as though even though you were in an A, you were not planning on leaving your husband. Do you still love your husband? The only reason you gave for staying married to your husband was that you have been married 25 years. I sure hope you were planning to stay for more reasons than that.

 

I do not think you need to tell your husband about the A. It will only cause him pain. I do think if you decide to stay married, you might want to figure out why you would stray and try to work on repairing your marriage. If you truly are not happy in your marriage, you might want to consider getting out, even if you have been together 25 years.

 

 

I think it's a fallacy that there must be a "void" in a marriage for a person to cheat. Sometimes it's due to i the WS's personal issues. But--it is extremely common for a WS to understand that once the affair is over.

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I do think you need individual therapy to understand why you would cheat on a husband that appears to be a good man. Also perhaps if you need to bring back some love and passion to your husband. Which man gets or got the better you ?

 

Hooking up with ex's is easier, there is left over "glue", familiarity, and a certain nostalgia for our youth.

Edited by dichotomy
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I think it's a fallacy that there must be a "void" in a marriage for a person to cheat. Sometimes it's due to i the WS's personal issues. But--it is extremely common for a WS to understand that once the affair is over.

 

 

Yes - there are plenty of stories here of wives (and husbands) cheating on what they consider a good spouse. Being a nice loving and caring spouse does not mean you will protected from being cheated on.

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Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who target married women because they know what buttons to push. I doubt you were as difficult a target as you'd want to believe. Like other said there's a good chance you're one of at least a few.

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gettingstronger

Sounds like he is in a mid-life crisis and using social media to reconnect to his "glory days". Bullet dodged- we all have some form of mid-life crisis- deal with your own and don't get tangled up in his-

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Betrayed&Stayed
Now as for my husband & what I've done to him...he will never know, but I do. I have ended up in the hospital with a stress related illness over this. So I'm not that cold blooded. I have to put it out of my mind & not even think about it, it's too much to bear.

But I'm just sad, for everyone. My husband. Me. :(:(

I know I suck. I just needed to vent.

 

The stress related illnesses will most likely continue. Every time your husband praises you as a wife, you will feel like a fraud. Every "I Love You" from you will be a lie. Every "I Love You" from him will be a dagger and another reminder that are a cheater. Every anniversary and Valentine's Day will be fake. You two will continue to live in two different realities.

 

If that is the kind of marriage you want, then keep him in the dark. If you want authenticity and mutual respect in your marriage, then tell him.

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Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

For the thrill of it. Once he got it the thrill is gone.

 

He was never looking for a marriage, future. Your just another statistic.

 

You've joined the cheating wives club.

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If you're never going to tell your husband then be a little nicer to him than you normally would be to compensate for your affair. Also cut him some slack if someday you find out that he’s having an affair.

 

In fact he has more of a reason to have an affair than you did. You were both in the same marriage and I’m sure most of your attention was on your “soul mate.” So his marriage was worse than yours during your affair.

 

So be charitable if you discover him having an affair.

 

There is an old thread on this website where a woman discovered her husband had an affair and really put him through the ringer. Years of guilt and making it up to her on his part . Then he discoversthat she an affair before his. He could forgive her affair but not that she put him through hell for his.

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You need to tell your BH. To deny your BH the truth is to force him to live the rest of his life based on a lie.

 

 

Your health is bad because you are trying to hide the truth from your BH and with the constant fear that one day the truth comes out as it usually does.

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This is not Karma. See you are not getting what you deserve. This is just a by product of your poor decision making. Once your husband learns of your betrayal and Shows everyone who you really are then and only then will you just start to see the begging of Karma. Hopefully he is really smart and he kicks you to the curb. Its clear 25 years of being faithful meant nothing to you maybe it will to someone else. You would be amazed and just how many decent women out there just want a faithful guy. Someone they can count on and share there life with. His stock is going to be up and yours is going down.

 

Good luck with that.

 

The only way I can see you ever saving this is being honest to your husband now and BEGGING for his forgiveness. I doubt seriously you will do this. If you want a serious look at just how people screw there lives up you should go to the Other women other men thread on this site. The rational for the damage they do is just amazing.

 

C

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Hi Karma. As the previous poster said, you haven't begun to find out what "karma" really is yet. You've decided to keep your fillandering a secret from your hubby, but if you've done much reading on this and other infidelity sites, you may be aware that, more often than not, the betrayed spouse discovers the affair. How will you feel if that happens and your husband confronts you with the evidence? Do you actually love this man you're married to, or are you only with him for convenience sake? Will you feel so smug in your secrecy if he decides to divorce you? Believe me, I wish you no ill will, but perhaps you should re-evaluate the reasons for staying with him. Are you giving him your all, or is he getting very little from you, either emotionally or physically?

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