the last thing

[katielee]

We've been doing pretty good lately. I looked for a book on forgiveness on Amazon but then said to myself, "meh, that's old news. Already done."

The thing that remains - trust, or lack of it. It's not that either of us are not transparent. It's just that as I heal, and look back at things - how do I know I know everything? (And yes, I need to know everything)

 

Hubby has not been honest in the past about other things - not to ME, but to others... He has cheated the system a couple times, resulting in trouble mostly for himself, but humiliation and sacrifice for me. Cheating on an MBA exam, taking info from a former employer (and getting caught and on the news). And most of you know that I had to catch him twice. There was also a broken NC I found out about through phone records. If I REALLY STAND BACK and look at things - how do I know for sure I have the truth? I hire a PI for 2 hours in 25 years of marriage and find him with another woman? Is my gut feeling really that good? Or was I just lucky? (or unlucky.) Do you know how hard it is to recover when you have to find out everything yourself? (for the record, I do not think I'm better because I confessed, I just think it makes trusting harder).

 

Would anything else be a dealbreaker? Hell, yes. I suppose I would give someone with this question this advice - you know what you know, decide to move on or not.

 

My trust is not where I want it to be. He never comes home before 6. (he would say he is working hard for us - maybe true.) I asked for sex the other night and what a chore it was for him - he was tired. I mean, WTH? I have no idea what is going on. And I never will. Because he acted no different than he did when he was in an affair. Trust is more than hoping for the best. Sure, I know I would be ok whatever happens (If I ever found out) but absolutely KNOWING someone has your back - man, that's priceless.

[Whoknew30]

Your husband is who he is, he's not going to change or he would have by now. That doesn't necessarily mean he's going to cheat again but the way he does things doesn't seem like it's going to change.

 

I do have a question...if you knew he did things outside of your marriage dishonestly, why would you think he wouldn't be that way in marriage? i understand being surprised by a cheating spouse if they live the rest of their life right but how is it a surprise if you already knew his character?

 

I don't get your posts sometimes. You said you'd stop talking to your own kids of they were doing something wrong, yet you continue with your husband after all the things he's done.

[MJJean]

The thing that remains - trust, or lack of it. It's not that either of us are not transparent. It's just that as I heal, and look back at things - how do I know I know everything? (And yes, I need to know everything)

 

Hubby has not been honest in the past about other things - not to ME, but to others... He has cheated the system a couple times, resulting in trouble mostly for himself, but humiliation and sacrifice for me. Cheating on an MBA exam, taking info from a former employer (and getting caught and on the news). And most of you know that I had to catch him twice. There was also a broken NC I found out about through phone records.

 

The hard reality is that you'll never know if you know everything. That's just something you'll have to accept and move beyond if you're going to stay married to this man.

 

That said, considering your H's history of lying and cheating within the marriage and outside of the marriage, I'm pretty sure I couldn't trust a man like that. Ever.

[katielee]

I don't think 2 lying episodes (But he was truthful to me about them) in 25 years can be thought of as his character, if his character also includes great things he's done.

And yes, If things continued on in a disrespectful way, I'd leave and not have anything to do with him.

If you don't understand my posts then don't respond to them.

[harrybrown]

I did like your comment about a spouse having your back is priceless.

 

Have you talked to him about this?

 

Communication is so important, along with honesty, and boundaries.

 

Some of my wife's friends think that I am so cold because of my boundaries.

 

But I think your H may be feeling the same way. How do I know?

 

I do not know about my wife. I know about me. That is all I can control.(or try to control)

 

But I am with you wishing that I could know for sure about her.

 

If you find a way, let me know.

 

Hope for the best for you and yours.

[Whoknew30]

I don't think 2 lying episodes (But he was truthful to me about them) in 25 years can be thought of as his character, if his character also includes great things he's done.

And yes, If things continued on in a disrespectful way, I'd leave and not have anything to do with him.

If you don't understand my posts then don't respond to them.

 

He hasn't only lied twice, you said he made the news for dishonesty, he's cheated on you twice, hasn't changed anything. What you explain doesn't sound like a great character at all. So it's ok if he's dishonest in other areas of his life but just not with you? So yes he is disrespectful if he hasn't done any changing & yet you continue to put with it, you up with 2 affairs. He's not who you want him to be. If you want to stay that's your business but in one sentence you write all the wrong & the next "he's only lied twice in 25 years". If you can't be honest with yourself, what do kind of advice are you looking for?...your husband isn't going to change, he's hasn't in 25 years. The ball is in your court, you already know this.

 

I see now why you were talking about seeing a ExAP & running bc you wish he'd be like that way but from what it sounds like he's never going to be that way. So really all you've done is enable his behavior. What ever he's done, you're still there. Which is fine but you act like that's not the case but it is. It's all up to you at this point not him.

 

I mean I don't understand your logic. You post how you don't or won't put up with things but you have put up with those things. Actions speak louder than words & your actions have been to deal with it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...

 

Here is what I recommend. Stop picking your husband apart. Just stop. You know who he is.... You accept him for who he is and love him in spite of his faults or you divorce him.

 

I would ask you... How would you feel if he picked you apart the way you pick him apart?

 

I swear.. If John came on here bitching about me all the time I would be done.

I have many many faults... I have done many many things wrong in my life. I don't know anyone who has never lied, never cheated on a test, never deceived anyone.

 

Have you lived a life of perfection? Have you never failed?

 

The man is living his life in transparency. He is doing the best he knows how to do.

 

So the question is this katielee... Is it enough?

 

If it isn't then leave.

 

Ultimately I want you to be happy... And one minute you say you are ... And then the next minute you are complaining about him. I just don't get it.

[xxoo]

It's pretty drastic to hire a PI to follow your husband. Obviously, something was out of the ordinary for you to do that. It can't be true that everything was just the same, and you just had a weird feeling.

 

If everything is cool now, then you know.

 

Personally, I don't think he'll cheat again unless you cheat again. That's what was wrong, leading you to check on him.

[katielee]

I just want the truth.

 

And I don't pick him apart all the time. I'm mostly here posting on others threads.

[katielee]

 

If everything is cool now, then you know.

 

.

 

I have no idea if everything is cool. My gut - he's not cheating, he's committed to me. But he keeps things from me because he hates confrontation and wants us to move forward with no uncomfortable interactions... could we just have one, pretty please, to prove he can do it?

[xxoo]

I have no idea if everything is cool. My gut - he's not cheating, he's committed to me. But he keeps things from me because he hates confrontation and wants us to move forward with no uncomfortable interactions... could we just have one, pretty please, to prove he can do it?

 

You gut says he's not cheating = everything is cool.

 

You're not cheating, so he isn't. Simple.

[wmacbride]

I understand how hard it can be.

 

At some point, you have to ask yourself if you feel you can ever really trust him , and also if you feel you can trust your instincts when it comes to him and his behavior.

 

If the answer to either of those things is a no, then I would suggest that you need to take stock of your life and ask yourself if you really feel you can go on in this state of limbo.

 

If the answer is no, then i would suggest to you that you really consider whether or not you can live the rest of your life like this. Is it fair to expect that of yourself?

[katielee]

You gut says he's not cheating = everything is cool.

 

You're not cheating, so he isn't. Simple.

 

yes, but it doesn't give the answer to me questioning the truth of the past.

[katielee]

I understand how hard it can be.

 

At some point, you have to ask yourself if you feel you can ever really trust him , and also if you feel you can trust your instincts when it comes to him and his behavior.

 

If the answer to either of those things is a no, then I would suggest that you need to take stock of your life and ask yourself if you really feel you can go on in this state of limbo.

 

If the answer is no, then i would suggest to you that you really consider whether or not you can live the rest of your life like this. Is it fair to expect that of yourself?

 

thanks, this was helpful. I try to distract myself every day and just hope for the best, but think that I won't be surprised by anything. And I hate that feeling.

[wmacbride]

thanks, this was helpful. I try to distract myself every day and just hope for the best, but think that I won't be surprised by anything. And I hate that feeling.

 

what do you think it would take for that feeling to go away? what do you need from him? is he willing to do so if you ask and explain why it matters to you?

[katielee]

what do you think it would take for that feeling to go away? what do you need from him? is he willing to do so if you ask and explain why it matters to you?

 

if it was me and he came to me with these concerns I would say, "how about I take a polygraph and put these fears to rest."

I dont' feel, this far out, I can ask for that. I think he'd resist - because it would seem to him I'm not over it or trust him and maybe because there is still something out there he doesn't want to admit. not sure.

the fact that I don't feel I can ask for this is not good.

[xxoo]

yes, but it doesn't give the answer to me questioning the truth of the past.

 

I don't understand.

 

Your marriage was in a bad spot when he cheated, no? Everything was fine?

[katielee]

I don't understand.

 

Your marriage was in a bad spot when he cheated, no? Everything was fine?

 

it WAS in a bad spot. But, do I know the truth? Were there more than two women? Was there sex? Has there been any more communication with either of them since I found out? Do you see either of them? Things like that... do I have the truth to these questions?

[xxoo]

it WAS in a bad spot. But, do I know the truth? Were there more than two women? Was there sex? Has there been any more communication with either of them since I found out? Do you see either of them? Things like that... do I have the truth to these questions?

 

Does it matter now?

 

If your marriage is good now, I mean.

[katielee]

Does it matter now?

 

If your marriage is good now, I mean.

 

if I'm believing lies, yes.

my decision to stay is based on what he's told me.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katielee

[xxoo]

if I'm believing lies, yes.

my decision to stay is based on what he's told me.

 

 

If your relationship is better now, and it is now loving and satisfying, why oh why would you dredge up old sins? Does the pain reward you somehow?

 

Is the goal to fix the relationship and feel safe with each other? Or is it to make sure all is even?

Edited February 3, 2016 by xxoo

[katielee]

Because a new relationship cannot be built on lies.

[katielee]

 

Is the goal to fix the relationship and feel safe with each other? Or is it to make sure all is even?

 

To fix and make sure we feel safe with each other. If ppl lay their truth out there, then it's easier to trust...

[xxoo]

Because a new relationship cannot be built on lies.

 

Your relationship is not build on the affair or on the aftermath.

 

Your relationship is built on what you've each done since the affairs to grow close. It's built on daily love and care.

 

Instead of looking at the affairs, look at what is missing in your foundation. You keep avoiding the core issue. Is the daily love, care, and closeness really there, or not?

[katielee]

Your relationship is not build on the affair or on the aftermath.

 

Your relationship is built on what you've each done since the affairs to grow close. It's built on daily love and care.

 

Instead of looking at the affairs, look at what is missing in your foundation. You keep avoiding the core issue. Is the daily love, care, and closeness really there, or not?

 

there is daily love and care and closeness.

what is the core issue?

 

if I was lying about something specifically my husband had asked me about my affair then I would consider that lying to him daily and not being in a caring marriage. I've asked him for honesty. Not fidelty. Honesty. If he can't do that it is his decision and he has that right. But he needs to tell me.