Update

[duckrabbit]

Hello:

 

Some of you may remember me from about one year ago that detailed my wife's infidelity, menta instabilities and financial issues. I wanted to post here to seek some additional advice and update on our progress or lack there of.

 

After the financial issues came to light last year, I was pretty set to divorce my wife; however, we discovered shortly afterward that she was pregnant and I decided to stay for the kids. I know this is not a highly regarded tactic and I am still not sure it was the right one but I stand by my decision for now. After that, we both stopped IC and tried to focus on our marriage.

 

A few other financial issues aside, we actually seemed to be moving toward some improvement; however, lately this has not been the case. Her mental instability seems to be coming up more, with repeated flare ups against the kids and deepening criticism of myself and starting feuds with family members. She blames all this on fatigue and pregnancy hormones, but I think I am realizing that she is just not a very nice person. Another symptom that has reappeared is her talking about wanting to die whenever a confrontation or argument of any kind ensues. Basically, unless I'm nice to her she views any sort of negative comment or discussion as yelling, despite the fact that I rarely raise my voice.

 

The A still weighs on me some days, mainly the aspect of unfairness. I sometimes want to go and have an A of my own though I know that will only compound issues and not fix them at all. Sometimes the brief respite of pleasure seems worth it. I'm not sure who we are anymore and I'm starting not to care. I am fearful of what might happen once the baby is born but am happy to be around to help the new one. I'm just not sure how much longer I can tread water in this marriage without some significant change; however, she is almost impossible to approach without fireworks and melodrama. I appreciate your thoughts.

[happyman64]

DuckRabbit

 

Has your wife ever been professionally diagnosed for some mental condition?

 

Do you feel her affair was just rugswept? Does this fact bother you now?

 

HM

[duckrabbit]

No, she was never professionally diagnosed but I myself have thought that she might be at least bipolar and could even have some sort of personality disorder.

 

I do think the affair was a little rug swept once we found out about the baby. I know she saw that as a panacea to our problems and maybe I was hoping it would be as well even though I know that's a stupid thought.

[jnel921]

I am not sure why you stayed. Pregnancy is not a reason to stay. Over the years you have accepted your WW's terrible behavior. Refusal to be 100% transparent. And you stopped counseling? Is this baby yours?

 

You say you are having financial difficulty and are bringing another child into your life? You guys already have 3 who are witness to this sadness. The baby won't help your M.

 

I think you have been in denial all along. You need to create an exit plan that you will stick to. Sounds like you tell us about these plans than pop up months now years later to find pie on your face.

 

Go back to IC and get the tools you need to deal with this.

 

Good Luck to you.

[road]

You need to unsweep the affair from under the rug and do a proper recovery.

You need to get a paternity test done now. There is a new blood test drawn from the mother so the baby is not harmed.

You need to get her mental health issues treated.

 

 

She refuses on any one of there then divorce her.

[scrapbooker]

No, she was never professionally diagnosed but I myself have thought that she might be at least bipolar and could even have some sort of personality disorder.

 

I do think the affair was a little rug swept once we found out about the baby. I know she saw that as a panacea to our problems and maybe I was hoping it would be as well even though I know that's a stupid thought.

 

You are not qualified to diagnose her. If she is not taking medication and is functioning as a human, she is NOT bipolar. Stop diagnosing her yourself and get her to a doctor.

[duckrabbit]

Scrapbooker: I am not giving any sort of scientific diagnosis here; it is speculation. She is taking medication; however, this is not the crux of the post. It is merely offered here as part of an overlying problem.

[Bryanp]

Is there a possibility that the baby is not yours? Have you both been tested for STD's?

[duckrabbit]

STD check is long cleared. I don't doubt the paternity because I can trace the delivery date back to the night I confronted her about financial irresponsibilities. That was the last time we had been intimate for a while.

[Clay]

I would get a DNA test done reguardless. I waited 15 years to have my kids tested. I am thankful they are mine but the years of suffering was stupid on my part.

 

If your unhappy and she wont get medical help then wait until the kid is born and divorce and file for custody.

 

I have custody of my kids. It was worth the fight.

 

I personally never support staying with a cheater. Its not that some don't learn and turn there life back around. Its just that you will never know if the one your with is that one person and being burned a second time hurts even worse than the first time.

 

Sadly I do have personal experience in this. This is also why I feel if you stay with a cheater and you do get burned a second time then that is on you.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I appreciate your thoughts.

 

I think you have some hard decisions ahead.

 

If you separated, would she be able to function as a responsible and capable parent without you?

 

At the very least, I'd begin to document everything. I'd also be tempted to talk to a lawyer, but that's certainly your call. Understanding your options doesn't mean you're bailing on your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

Why aren't you insisting she be in IC?

[graybiker]

I think you hanging in there up to this point is commendable. Yes, you have discovered some things about your wife you do not like. But especially now, it is important to remember that the things originally attracting you to her are still there.

 

Agreed- an A of your own would only complicate things. Counseling may be your lifeline, preferably as a couple, although that seems unlikely at the moment. Going by yourself if necessary could help you get through this.

 

Her refusal to accept anything other than you "being nice" sounds like that's how you will have to approach and lead her to an evaluation and the help she needs. Achieving that could also sooth things for the rest of the family. Do you think just being close and willing to listen, could "get the ball rolling?" Otherwise, do you have a family member or friend close to both of you who may be willing to help navigate this?

[loveboid]

What does any of her drama have to do with you? She's abusing you and making you cater to her.

[HereNorThere]

STD check is long cleared. I don't doubt the paternity because I can trace the delivery date back to the night I confronted her about financial irresponsibilities. That was the last time we had been intimate for a while.

 

Wait, what? You actually saw your sperm enter her egg? You do realize that you are rationalizing because you fear that you may not be father, right? There is just no way you could possibly know for sure. Another man's sperm could live in there for a couple of days. Have you ever heard of the theory of sperm competition?

 

You say that was the last time your were intimate, but that actually makes it less likely you are the father. I know it's scary to think about, but please don't sign a birth certificate for the child without proof that it's yours. I can't believe you haven't already had a paternity test done. Wow, that just blows my mind.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Hello:

 

I wanted to post here to seek some additional advice and update on our progress or lack there of.

 

Sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. It resonates with me because a few months after D-Day, my wife also had a major issue to deal with.

 

When she was 18 she got pregnant, and participated in an open adoption. Baby girl was raised by a family my wife chose, and there was some limited contact with that family over the first few years...then none. All good.

 

Well, wouldn't you know that 4-5 months after D-Day this now 17 year old teenage girls shows up at the door.

 

OK... major life change, and VERY emotional situation for my wife. At this early stage, she was all too happy to sweep all the affair stuff under the rug in order to deal with this new, emotionally charged situation. I accepted this for about a month, and my wife and child had a wonderful reunion, and things on this front are still going very well.

 

Anyway...after about a month, once some dust had settled, and things were progressing nicely with this reunion, it became clear that my wife did not plan to go back to the affair stuff we had been working on. To her, it seemed like bringing a black cloud over an otherwise wonderful situation.

 

I was very clear with her. The situation with your daughter is indeed wonderful. But if you don't focus on our marriage and the issues your affair has caused, you and your wonderful daughter will be moving forward in a relationship without me and our two boys. That's it. Either help me, or I'm gone.

 

Different situation for your wofe of course, but the principle is the same. She's pregnant, she's hormonal, she has a LOT of stuff going on.

 

Well....tough. That's life. When it rains it pours, and she doesn't get to just make the really hard stuff disappear because there is other stuff.

 

Be strong. Be hard. Be cold if you need to. You weren't put on this earth to coddle another human being, or guide someone else through all their difficulties. At some point, you have to worry about yourself and your kids only.