Hurtspouse82 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) Hello Everybody, This is my first post here so I'm just starting with my story. I'm married to my WW for 9 years now and we have two daughters together. About 6 years ago she confessed to an EA/PA that lasted about 4 months. Other guy was out of state so they had sex 6 times during his visits. We started reconciliation and worked really hard on it. During reconciliation I stupidly started to self medicate myself with painkillers and started down a dark path of addiction. In summer of 2013 my wife found out about my problem. Not wanting to tell her the reason why I got into this mess in the first place (her affair) I just apologized and actually got off the drugs. Looking back at it now it was a huge mistake because my wife confessed to me last week that she had a ONS with one of her clients in October of 2013 after she found out about my drug problem. She justified it with being angry at me for spending a lot of money on pills while she was working and dealing with her problems. She now admitted that she made a huge mistake and that was in no way the right way to deal with this. We decided that we will give it another try. She has been really great and supporting ( she has been staying up with me all night holding me and praying for me when I'm crying. She owned up to everything telling me everything I want to know. she is working really hard on keeping me together. We noticed that our relationship and our love for each other has never been this strong before. We both are going to counseling and church together, praying a lot and just trying to make it through the day. I just want to ask you guys what you think about this situation? We both are very much in love at this point and want to make our marriage work. I just need some encouragement going forward. Thank you very much for reading through this long lost. Edited January 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Both of you need to come to a point of taking control of your actions. Her A didn't make you a drug addict & you being a drug addict didn't make her chest. You're both going to have to work on healthy ways of handling things. Cheating & addiction are usually symptoms of bigger problems within the people doing it, try & get to the bottom of why you're both handling your problems so negatively. I'm happy you two are trying & hope you figure it out . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Well, I am glad it seems to be working out for you two. You really should tell her why you got hooked on the drugs - how self-medication can be a way to escape from a bad reality. Don't tell her like you are blaming her - after all these years it would just seem counter productive. But, you do need to let her know that this was how you deal with reality, just as it is her way to deal with unpleasant realities by having sex with other men (twice now). You can help each other: she can help you overcome drugs, and you can help her avoid extra-marital affairs... as long as she knows you are not her doormat, and that there will be marriage altering consequences if she strays again, you just might be all right. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) I think what happened was bad. The way things got handled the first time was poor judgment. However I think there is a good basis for a recovery to happen. Keep in mind that recovery takes 2 to 5 years. Has the WW affair been exposed? Has the OMW's been told? What has been done to verify NC? What has been done to repair trust and verify no more affairs start? Do you know how WW contacted OM1 and OM2 to block them? Did WW get a new phone number? Did WW meet either OM through work? Edited January 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I agree with Who...You cannot blame her for her addiction...she cannot blame your addiction for cheating. That is blame shifting.... and it will eventually come back to bite you if you do not deal with it honestly. Therapy and church are two great starts to healing. Honesty and trust building....lead to comfort. It sounds like you love each other very much and are very forgiving people. Best of luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 I think what happened was bad. The way things got handled the first time was poor judgment. However I think there is a good basis for a recovery to happen. Keep in mind that recovery takes 2 to 5 years. Has the WW affair been exposed? -I didn't suspect anything. She sat me down and confessed everything to me. She told me she tried to take this secret to her grave but she couldn't live with the guilt and shame anymore. She lost a lot of weight because she couldn't eat anymore. It was wearing her down. Has the OMW's been told? -No What has been done to verify NC? -Guy moved away. This happened in 2013. I checked phone records and there was no contact after the ONS What has been done to repair trust and verify no more affairs start? - She confessed to every detail. She gave me full access to her phone, email (we have a shared Facebook account). Do you know how WW contacted OM1 and OM2 to block them? -OM1 we contacted together. She got new phone number after that -OM2 she erased his phone number and hasn't had contact with him. Also he moved out of state Did WW get a new phone number? First time yes. We should get her a new number now Did WW meet either OM through work? -OM2 Yes he was one of her clients. She is a hairdresser. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 It's great that you are praying together, going to church, and doing all you can to support one another and sounds as if you're on the road to recovery. Another thing you can do, and may be doing, is daily Bible reading in order to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He's our Creator and also our re-Creator which means He is the life giver, too. If you continue to daily pray and read your Bible you'll be transformed into the healthiest "you" possible! It's wonderful to read of the way you and your wife are dealing with this situation! Wishing you great success and true love all over you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 Thank you for all your answers. Yes we are taking our reconciliation very seriously. My WW has been very remorseful. She is reading a lot of things about how to help me and just in general trying to put herself in my shoes to understand my pain. We both are very determined to make this work. Over the years and through my addiction we both realized that only God can really help us and heal us. I have been off the drugs since she discovered it and thank god even after her confession i have no desire to use at all. I wanted to ask how it was for some of you guys but it seems that now our relationship is stronger then it ever was which I don't quite understand why? We haven't watched TV in over a week and pretty much spend our evenings and nights just talking to each other. Sometimes i feel like I should be angry at her but i just can't? I wonder if this phase will still come? Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Has the WW affair been exposed? Has the OMW's been told? Did WW meet either OM through work? I agree with road. It seems that her aims are good, but she tends to "losing it" from time to time. In your case exposing the affair will have huge positive effects: 1. Exposing is shaming and embarrassing for her. It means that she actually pays some price for her cheating. This price might a shiny "red light", which will flash in her mind in the next cheating options she'll have. 2. Exposing OM 1+2 (especially 2 to his spouse) will cause her many troubles, and inconvenience. It's another bell ringing in her next cheating, knowing she might hurt not only you, but another man. 3. If OM 2 is a client, does he visit her business on present? EXPOSE HIM! If she refuses to tell you their names and details, than she isn't so remorseful as she claims to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Thank you for all your answers. Yes we are taking our reconciliation very seriously. My WW has been very remorseful. She is reading a lot of things about how to help me and just in general trying to put herself in my shoes to understand my pain. We both are very determined to make this work. Over the years and through my addiction we both realized that only God can really help us and heal us. I have been off the drugs since she discovered it and thank god even after her confession i have no desire to use at all. I wanted to ask how it was for some of you guys but it seems that now our relationship is stronger then it ever was which I don't quite understand why? We haven't watched TV in over a week and pretty much spend our evenings and nights just talking to each other. Sometimes i feel like I should be angry at her but i just can't? I wonder if this phase will still come? The anger may come but after you also living a secretive life behind her back, maybe you feel "even"? Or how truly easy it is to make bad decisions?...I don't know, just trying to give you ideas. My H & I both had A & it made are marriage a lot stronger. The anger phase for us really wasn't an issue, we skipped that to get more to the bottom of our problems & it worked. We also went to church & spoke to the priest on top of MC/IC. 7 years later & we've never been stronger & happier. Ideal reconciliation is figuring out what the marital problems are & really on them, which seems to be the route you guys are going. that's wonderful (. You will have good & bad day's, on the bad days you just try & implement the new ways you're learning to handle it from therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 I agree with road. It seems that her aims are good, but she tends to "losing it" from time to time. In your case exposing the affair will have huge positive effects: 1. Exposing is shaming and embarrassing for her. It means that she actually pays some price for her cheating. This price might a shiny "red light", which will flash in her mind in the next cheating options she'll have. 2. Exposing OM 1+2 (especially 2 to his spouse) will cause her many troubles, and inconvenience. It's another bell ringing in her next cheating, knowing she might hurt not only you, but another man. 3. If OM 2 is a client, does he visit her business on present? EXPOSE HIM! -No he moved out of state with his wife and kids so chances that he will come back are very small. I guess there is always a possibility. She has promised me to let me know if either of them try to contact her. From looking at her email and phone records (she got them from our phone provider for me) there is nothing that would indicate that she had contact with either of them. If she refuses to tell you their names and details, than she isn't so remorseful as she claims to be. I know OM 1 and I was present when she called him and initiated NC. OM 2 she told me his name and who he is. I will ask her for his phone number when I get home from work tonight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 ONS happened in 2013. She's his hairdresser. Did he continue to get his hair done with your wife since then? If yes.....this ain't no ONS!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 No he has not. Like I said he moved out of state and there was NC since the ONS. She told him she doesn't want to work on him anymore (I know that from her boss and her coworkers who where present when she told him.) One of her coworkers told me that she got in trouble for sending a client away, they didn't know what had happened Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 No he has not. Like I said he moved out of state and there was NC since the ONS. She told him she doesn't want to work on him anymore (I know that from her boss and her coworkers who where present when she told him.) One of her coworkers told me that she got in trouble for sending a client away, they didn't know what had happened Don't kid yourself.... they were able to put A and B together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 Don't kid yourself.... they were able to put A and B together. Of course after the fact they did Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 My WW has been very remorseful. She is reading a lot of things about how to help me and just in general trying to put herself in my shoes to understand my pain. Hate to be skeptical but how is this different than what your WW did after her 1st affair? Wasn't she sorry that time? Didn't she feel your pain? I understand the value of prayer but there are also real life demands regarding fidelity that she's shown - Twice! - she's unwilling to comply with. It shouldn't take a miracle for your spouse to be faithful to you... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 Hate to be skeptical but how is this different than what your WW did after her 1st affair? Wasn't she sorry that time? Didn't she feel your pain? I understand the value of prayer but there are also real life demands regarding fidelity that she's shown - Twice! - she's unwilling to comply with. It shouldn't take a miracle for your spouse to be faithful to you... Mr. Lucky I think the problem was that after the 1st time we didn't communicate. We tried to deal with our issues separate in our own ways. Obviously that didn't work out to well. It's been less then 2 weeks after she told me and we are still trying to sort things out. There are a lot of issues that need to be resolved and we are just at the beginning. We both know it's going to take a lot of work from both of us. We need to see where this road will lead us and I think only time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 What led to the ONS? What I mean is, was there an emotional affair with him before that (one) incident? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtspouse82 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 What led to the ONS? What I mean is, was there an emotional affair with him before that (one) incident? After she found out about my drug use she went to work the next day. The guy invited her for a drink after work. She was mad and figured why not? So they went to a casino (we live in Vegas) for a drink. Well she got drunk and he ended up renting a room and that's where it happened. She told me what she doesn't understand she knew the whole time what she was doing was wrong but somehow she justified it with being angry at me. Now when she talks about it I can tell she is feeling guilty and she knows the magnitude of what she did. It was really f..... Up what she did and I'm not trying to defend her in any way. I just feel that we both are at a point now where we want to save our marriage and we just need to keep talking and communicating. We have been up almost every night talking and we both agree that we haven't talked like that in years. I just hope that not all is lost yet and we can get past this one day 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Ok I suggest to you that neither you nor your wife have really good rest the truth of what happened and why. Your statement that you started using drugs and became addicted to painkillers because of her affair doesn't make sense to me. When did you start getting the pain killers what were they prescribed for did you lie to a doctor to get the prescription or did you just start going out in purchasing painkillers on the street? Next the idea that your wife got drunk after being picked up by one of her regular clients and then had sex in reaction to your being addicted to painkillers and the money going in that direction makes no sense. Why would she all of a sudden decide to sleep with someone in reaction to the money going missing when the money would have already been missing and unexplained and thus she would have had a reason to have an affair anyway? There is a whole lot of truth to be discovered and a whole lot of lies to be uncovered and some rugs that need to be lifted because you swept so much under there. Can you make it, who knows. Sorry for bad punctuation but I'm doing this on my phone via voice dictation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I just have a hunch that you may not really know the extent of your wife's cheating behavior. You may wish to consider that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe it would not be a bad idea to DNA your children and get tested for STD's as well. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You rugswept her first affair and that never works. It comes out in lots of passive-aggressive ways and, eventually, boils over into a full-blown marital crisis. While that resentment has been building in you now she up and screws another guy. I cannot imagine a more traumatic trigger than that. You are now dealing with both incidents of her cheating. Making excuses and taking blame for her cheating is typical of a BH who is in denial. Welcome to denial. Your wife has proven to be a serial cheater. That means she has violated the boundaries and it the sheets numerous times - proving that she doesn't care about the consequences of her infidelity. She only wants you around for her day-to-day home life but she has to have her affair sex on the side. I've heard from many, many WW's on this forum and others that there is nothing more exciting and passionate than affair sex. She's hooked on it and is never going to stop finding it. Serial cheaters don't change - they just get better at covering their tracks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 The only thing that gets me here...is that your wife never suffers any consequences for her infidelity from what you've said here. If she valued fidelity how would she agree to go out with the client knowing where it was likely to lead? Do you really believe she's cheated just the two times? What prompted her confession? Is this the right job for the marriage where she can hook up with guys that easily? Set appropriate boundaries Consider drawing up a marriage contract Consider a post nuptial agreementwith an infidelity clause. Her willingness to sign it will be telling and also her knowing this is the LAST chance should hit home. While she's being honest..you need to be as well. Tell her that you used a very poor coping mechanism after the first affair and never dealt with it properly..hence you turned to drugs. It's very important for her to realise what you were going through. I don't think many cheaters realise what pain that cause. ... you were trying to be strong and hid how you felt. Direct your wife to read the 'just found out' thread on survivinginfidelity.com and that will give her an idea of the pain she caused. She needs to read what a wayward spouse should do and 'how to help your spouse heal after an affair ' is a very good book for cheating spouses. I wish you luck and hope this is the last time you are betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 She's hooked on it and is never going to stop finding it. Serial cheaters don't change - they just get better at covering their tracks. Hurtspouse82, I think what many of us are trying to tell you is there is a fine line between faith and blind faith. Faith helps you heal, blind faith just invites your wife to cheat on you again... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 She has to learn how to handle stress better, how to communicate with you better and learn NOT to run off and have ONS just because she's pissed off at you. That's a learned behavior and something she feels comfortable doing. Like it or not, the truth of this is, your wife can't be faithful to you. She runs into the arms of other men when things are hard at home. She chose to cheat and can't justify it by blaming your drug use. You didn't hold a gun to her head, she did that all on her own. That would be like you blaming HER for your choice to do drugs. Not her fault. Each of you need individual counseling and marriage counseling (use the same person for both) and learn to be committed to one another and set boundaries up. MC (Marriage counseling) will help so you both can recognize any issues quicker and handle them healthier and wiser. If you two want to make it work, then put in 100% together and fix your marriage. Affair proof it, don't let anybody or anything get in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
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