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Is my husband talking to her AGAIN?


jackiec22

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HISTORY:

 

In 2012, my husband went back to school since we both took off considering we were focused on our kids and new marriage (married in 2009). Well, a few months into schooling, husband mentioned his classmate that he was on a team with for projects. He rarely brought her up throughout the years, but in 2014 they began texting and he was open with me about that so I never had worry. Then she’s calling a lot and always going to him for advice with all of her problems. Bothered me a little, but what bothered me most was that she wanted nothing to do with me or to even meet me, which got me suspicious.

 

JANUARY-FEBRUARY 2015

 

I started freaking out and thinking she was more than just a friend. I logged into his facebook and his last message to her was like “we’ve been distant lately”, and she’s like “yeah, I’ve been busy”, then there were gaps in the conversation like maybe he deleted them, or maybe they just continued the conversation on the phone or through text. The weirdest part of it all was when I noticed they were no longer facebook friends, and when I went to her page while logged in as him, it didn’t come up. I figured she just deleted her facebook. BUT she didn’t because I could see her page from my login and my friend’s login as well, meaning she blocked him.

This is when I freaked the **** out. WHY WOULD SHE BLOCK HIM YET STILL CALL AND TEXT HIM TO VENT? I told him how I felt about her and he shrugged me off with the whole “omg she’s literally just a friend”. I asked him why he was blocked, and he said “I’m not, she deleted her page”. I proved him wrong, and he had no answer to give. He said “we’re not really that close anymore…”.

Anyway, I realized he wasn’t going to tell me the truth about anything, and so I logged onto his phone bill account (probably illegal but since I’ve paid his phone before, I knew the login). The amount of phone calls they had while I was at work was one thing, but the call length was a whole nother story. Looking at the dates of the calls, they always happened to be after a big fight between us, which is not okay.

I didn’t tell him about the phone bill, I only told him that I don’t trust her, and that I want her out of our lives. He told me he cut her off through text, and I forced him to block her number in front of me. I asked him to let me see the message he sent her, and low and behold, their whole thread of conversation was gone, deleted. His reasoning was that when he cuts someone off, he does so entirely. ::insert eyeroll::

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I still didn’t trust him so I monitored the phone records (he didn’t know I could even do that).

 

MARCH 2015

 

my kids and I went to my mom’s for a few days, and what do I find on his phone bill while I was gone? A call to his dear “just a” friend. This frightened me.

I confronted him and told him I’ve seen his phone bill and past phone calls with her. I let him know that it is bull**** to talk to her for 90 minutes here, 70 minutes here, etc. . I told him that confiding in her about OUR issues was NOT okay after he admitted that he was doing that. I accused him of an emotional affair and he claimed “maybe on her part…. Not on mine…”. He has not once yet owned up to this and I have literally no proof, just hunches.

His reasoning behind calling her in March was to apologize for how mean he was when he cut her off. The phone call was 9 minutes long and he claims that he never spoke to her in march because she didn’t answer. He claims the 9-minute call happened in his pocket when he went into a store and that it must have went to voicemail. He apologized for everything, still didn’t admit to an emotional affair, and said he would never let someone as dumb as her jeopardize our relationship. He did own up to the fact that he shouldn’t have shared that information, and that she knew secrets about him that not even I knew which was THE biggest blow. I mean, it hurt…

He did a lot to rebuild the trust while still just saying she was just a friend… This all was killing me.

I checked the records for a while and he wasn’t contacting her, and our relationship was going well, so I basically just stopped around August because he earned my trust and was being an awesome husband.

 

JANUARY 2016

 

I have anxiety/depression issues, and I have been in a funk. When I’m like that, I like to almost make myself sadder. So, I checked his phone bill today, and saw a two hour long (outgoing) phone call labeled BLOCKED 000-000-0000 on January 11, 2016, this was when I was at work. It started at 7 (when the kids go to bed), and ended conveniently at 9:18 which is about the time I get home. He texted me at work that night telling me to stop for beer because he drank a lot that night. I remember coming home from work to such a happy husband that it was a great night for us…. Hindsight sucks….

Also, on there was a 70-minute outgoing phone call labeled BLOCKED 000-000-0000 two days later while I was getting my hair cut and shopping, yet another good night for us! =[

The only other call like that on the records was on December 26th, 2015 (another work night for me) which was 18 minutes long.

I researched this and everything says it is a telemarketer (um, why would he call one, and why would he talk for that long with one??). The other option for a number to come up like that on a phone bill is if he pressed *67 each time he called, which sadly sounds like the more logically thing…

I don’t know how to confront him, I don’t want to look psychotic if it is a service error either. Would I be able to contact his phone provider to learn about this? VERY CURIOUS. Also, am I crazy here? Looking at history, his only other calls that long are with her, and he knows I know her number and that’d I’d leave him I ever saw it on his statement again… help…….

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You're not paranoid. That 9min call apology is a scum move on his part. In a sense your hubby was more concerned about hurting her feelings than yours. The 70min "Tele" calls? Also a give away he's hiding stuff.

 

 

Some will say you need more proof, I think you got enough. If your 90% certain it was her, sit your hubby down and ask him if he contacted her, BUT also add, "your answer will tell me if WE need to see a shrink or I need to call an attorney".

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I'd have a hard time trusting him.

 

And who's to assume he doesn't have a burner phone? They are cheap.

 

But why be mad at HER? It's him that's doing these inappropriate things = be mad at HIM. He hasn't earned your trust. He's just hiding it better (he thinks).

 

 

None of it is good. I'd say he places her value above yours since he's willing to call her knowing it will make you leave him.

 

Do you know where YOUR boundary is? When will you enforce consequences for his bad behavior?

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Put a voice activated recorder in the house and see what he's saying to her when you're hard at work!

 

You need evidence - and listening to what he's saying to her is what you need to know.

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Mrs. John Adams

If she blocked him on facebook...he would think she deactivated her account...just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

If ..a telemarketer called and that talked for 19 minutes...I believe it....it has happened to me....saying over and over...I am not interested

 

I am not saying you do not have a reason to worry...but you will find that around forums...people are very quick to think the worst. Granted...many times...their suspicions are true..but keep it in mind.

 

I am always a person who wonders...if you have a suspicion....why not ask first? If the answer is evasive or suspicious...if it sounds like a lie...proceed with your investigations

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VR in the house will work. People are also very comfortable in their cars. You can Velcro one under a seat. The Voice Activated Rec are the best, they turn on when voice sound is present.

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they were calls that he made.... it says outgoing not incoming, and I can't help but think he knew it would show up like that on the bill... why talk to her for THAT long? you know? I don't have solid proof so I don't know what to do. where can I get one of these recorders without ordering online?

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they were calls that he made.... it says outgoing not incoming, and I can't help but think he knew it would show up like that on the bill... why talk to her for THAT long? you know? I don't have solid proof so I don't know what to do. where can I get one of these recorders without ordering online?

 

Try radio shack. Maybe even wal mart.

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Gosh, this is the part that I hate in a relationship. The need to snoop around because your partner is hiding something. Too exhausting.

 

This is not an advice, and I don't recommend it, but if I was in your position, I will do a good long talk to your husband as to what he HONESTLY wants, and yes, prepare a shrink or an attorney appointment.

 

In this day and age, NEVER agree to be a SAHW. So that if things like these happen, you have less factors to think about when signing those "freedom from b*llsh*t" papers aka Divorce.

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Recommended reading for you both... Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will give you an overview of how "opening a window" to an outside party and "building a wall" with your mate (secrecy and lies) can destroy the emotional intimacy and trust in your marriage. Your spouse needs to understand WHY you're having a problem with his behavior. If he really is "just friends" with her, he won't understand why you're so upset or why it's inappropriate. And if it's more than that, he'll see what a ****storm he's going to end up unleashing if it goes any further.

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If he's not cheating, then he probably wants to. They apparently have an intense relationship because she either got mad at him and blocked him, or she gave him an ultimatum and he chose to stay on his marriage. But even though he may have made that decision, he is probably still pursuing her.

 

Once someone has me in the position of snooping, they've basically lost me. I refuse to play that game. If I were you, I'd sit my husband down and let him know that I'm just not that stupid, I know something is going on and he has one last chance to come clean and be 100% honest. If he still dances around it, then tell him you want him to leave.

 

I had a husband who cheated on me once. After a few months of separation, I let him back in. But it was imperative that I be able to trust him. Things went ok for awhile until one day he told me that he was at a bar in an area of town that the OW lived. There was no reason for him to be there. When he got home, we talked about it. He denied completely that he saw her, etc. Still, I told him that I was leaving him. He was stunned and wanted to know why. I told him that he knew going to that area of town would upset me and make me question his actions but he had so little regard for me and our marriage, he was willing to take that chance. If nothing else, he was pushing the envelope and waving the affair in my face. Neither of those options made me want to be with him. We divorced. Not over the affair but over his complete disrespect for our marriage. And that's basically what your husband is doing right now by lying to you, trying to keep this girl on the hook, and causing you to snoop on him. This is not something I would tolerate. As I said, give him the chance to come clean, or you walk. He needs to know that you will not tolerate this kind of disrespect.

 

And I agree that you should be mad at him, not her. You don't know the level to which he has encouraged her or chased her. The more you make it about her, the more you put yourself in competition with her. This other woman didn't make any vows to you. Your husband did.

Edited by bathtub-row
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it seems like he had an affair with her & she dumped him. and since then... he is trying to reach out.

 

to be honest - i'd leave if i were you. i'm all for keeping a family together but living like this seems like hell. and your husband doesn't care enough to put your feelings first - it's as if you're his mother and he's a bad behaving child you need to monitor and control in order to keep him in line.

 

i'd also work out the financial issues if you divorce, protect yourself in that situation - your husband clearly isn't someone who has your back.

 

how old are & how old are your kids?

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I would not play this game anymore, just draw a very firm and scary boundary.

 

"This is my attorney, should I need him. (Show copy of website.) If I see one more phone call like this (show print out of outgoing calls) or find any other similar, I will be using this attorney. Give me all of your passwords right now so that I can snoop until forever. If this is unfair to you, please go pack. I want a safe marriage or no marriage. You don't seem to understand safe anymore. I want safety back, or this marriage ends."

 

He will complain. Do not back down, do not cry, do not squirm. Be cool and clear. You are not playing around; hold your boundary.

 

If (when) he breaks it, tell his family and see an attorney. Humiliation frequently works if nothing else does.

 

If you still find something out, then you will NEVER have a safe marriage and will have to divorce his deceitful behind.

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You keep giving him chance after chance. Truthfully, he doesnt want to change. That typical cheater crap. They want more and more and more. Here you are devastated anxiety ridden, depressed. He is showing you by his actions that he DOES NOT CARE. I have been right where you are and to some extent still are. Start believing what you know in your heart. That he doesnt care enough about the marriage to end it with this woman.Take care of yourself. You dont deserve this! Also get a voice activated recorder. What you hear will give you a lot clearer picture.

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I think it's pretty obvious that he is still involved with the OW but sometimes betrayed spouses just can't let themselves believe that their spouse is betraying them until they get 100% proof. OP if you are unable to do anything until you get confirmation that this relationship is ongoing then I would suggest that you stop going to your husband with every suspicious activity you see. He is not suddenly going to be honest with you. Instead he is going to get better at hiding. So stop confronting him, don't even act suspicious, let him think that you believe him and trust him. He will relax and get lazy about covering his tracks. In the meantime you can do some of things already suggested like placing a VAR in his vehicle.

 

Think about what you plan to do should you discover that he is indeed in an affair with the OW. Figure out what you want and stick to your plan. Don't let yourself get manipulated or coaxed into compromising your principles or yourself. Before you confront your husband, know what you want the outcome to be and don't stray from that, even if it means having to end the marriage.

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Buck Turgidson

Recording someone else's private conversations is a crime in every state, and a felony in most. In other words, the advice that is being given to her, should Hubby find out, could very well land her in prison. Not county jail, state prison. You people are scary. I'm sorry that many of you have been hurt by infidelity in the past, but that's no excuse for advising someone to check into prison.

 

If you start recording your partner's phone calls, the relationship is over whether he's cheating or not, because relationships require trust and at that point there isn't any left. If you're going to leave, just do it. Don't stoop to his level. Just leave with your head held high.

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Jackie, I'm curious about something.

 

You started a thread in April about this issue and stated you didn't know what to do.

 

You then started another thread in July that the same things were happening and you didn't know what to do.

 

In those threads and in this third one, you are getting sound advise about the recurring problem.

 

What is keeping you from acting on that advise that you have been given multiple times?

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Recording someone else's private conversations is a crime in every state, and a felony in most. In other words, the advice that is being given to her, should Hubby find out, could very well land her in prison. Not county jail, state prison. You people are scary. I'm sorry that many of you have been hurt by infidelity in the past, but that's no excuse for advising someone to check into prison.

 

If you start recording your partner's phone calls, the relationship is over whether he's cheating or not, because relationships require trust and at that point there isn't any left. If you're going to leave, just do it. Don't stoop to his level. Just leave with your head held high.

 

^^^^ Very true. I've seen this advice before, but it carries civil and criminal penalties in all states. It's not just limited to recording oral communications, Brett Snider, Esq. elaborates:

 

"Keeping tabs on every aspect of your spouse's private life is a multifaceted endeavor. Here are just a few of the legal issues that may crop up in spying on your legal partner:

 

 

Reading email messages. You can practically read your spouse's email more easily than a stranger (even just by standing behind him or her), but if you log in to your spouse's inbox without his or her permission, you can potentially be charged with unauthorized computer access. In California, and many other states, this crime can be a felony.

 

Recording conversations. You may want to start recording phone calls between your spouse and yourself, or maybe your spouse and others for later use. Be warned, however, you may be legally allowed to record a conversation in which you are a party -- but not those in which both your spouse and the other person are unaware that they're being recorded.

 

Using hidden cameras. Since your spouse has a reasonable expectation of privacy in his or her own home, setting up hidden cameras around your marital home may run afoul of invasion of privacy laws. Any recordings that include audio will also be treated like recording a phone call.

 

GPS tracking. Following your spouse's movements using a GPS tracking device may provide you a treasure trove of dirt, but it may also violate his or her right to privacy. Some courts have allowed GPS spouse tracking so long as it is only used to follow movements along public streets."

 

Source: Legal to Secretly Spy on Your Spouse? - FindLaw Blotter

Edited by OneLov
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All this legal stuff... well you want to satisfy your suspicions. It's not being used to hang him. She doesn't even need to tell him what she finds...it's about knowing the truth.

 

I had a BH do this. He put a VAR in her car. Got his proof...started protecting his assets and filed for D. He didnt confront or get angry and she was blindsided ...she asked why...... he told her she was cheating...

 

As cheaters do she denied.... he said I know you're cheating..you know you're cheating.....She said he couldn't believe what people said. He just said........ I heard it from the horses mouth. She looked confused.... he packed up and left and she was served after that.

 

He had to know he wasn't going crazy as cheaters tend to gaslight. The proof isn't to wave in the court... it's for the BSs peace of mind.

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Buck Turgidson

Yeah, never mind the legal stuff. Let's go commit some federal crimes! Come on, what's the worst that could happen!

 

It doesn't matter what it's FOR. The judge is not going to ask WHY you did it. It matters that it's a crime carrying prison time.

 

And the chances of being found out? Pretty good in my opinion, when in a divorce proceeding with lawyers everywhere you start letting info you could only have gotten from eavesdropping pass your lips.

 

And hey, as long as we're committing a crime spree, why not just murder the scumbag? I mean surely that is a quicker end to the relationship than divorce? And just THINK of the peace of mind you'll have, knowing you'd never see him again!

 

Anyone who recommends that someone go commit crimes they could lose their freedom over is an irresponsible jerk.

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I believe that when things are not adding up people become suspicious. Usually people turn to the WS for clarification. But--this is a sign somethings wrong: a constant string of "coincidences". All of a sudden strange things that require explanation keep popping up. The BS begins to wonder if she's all of the sudden becoming paranoid or going crazy. A cheater very seldom will let you know they're cheating. The BS is wondering if she needs IC for her "insecurity" issues... Another sign: they become defensive or angry when a spouse is looking for clarification...WS says, " you're ACCUSSING me of cheating." The BS says, "No...I just want some clarification.' The BS often feels ashamed....the WS knows this may keep her at bay. I think there are a few instances when people imagine their spouses are unfaithful. But--this is an exception rather than the rule! Do NOT reveal these inconsistencies anymore. Take Notes. Take action. Worrying alone won't help. Clarify things. There are many ways of doing this. Do an Internet search and you'll find all sorts of ways to find out. Be focused. Don't convince yourself or treat your partner as guilty until you have solid proof.

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UPDATE:

 

 

I found it all

 

 

Hidden email, logged onto the fake Facebook and read messages between them spanning from September until two days ago when I went to him with it all. With the proof.

 

Apparently in September , his boss introduced him to his new coworker. Who was it? Her...

He's been working with her since September and didn't tell me. The messages were awful. I can't get them out of my head. They never had sex, it was clear. But they held hands, they kissed, they flirted. The worst part of it all.... He told her over and over and over again in the messages that he was in love with her.

 

He claims he isn't, but if I showed you guys the messages, you wouldn't believe it. I talked to her, she feels like scum of the earth, she says. They are both obviously never going to talk again, but I don't care. They still work together , he will always love her in my head. As he told her "she's the one who got away". As he complimented her through conversations saying "don't feel guilt over a piece of paper based on a sham".... I hate him.

Edited by jackiec22
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