Should I forgive her?

[MichaelI]

Me and my wife have been married for 12 years now,together for 16.We don't have kids.

 

I never expected this from her.One day when I got home from work I walked in on her giving head to another man.He immediately ran out of the apartment,didn't even get dressed.It is safe to say that the situation was quite shocking and tumultuous.At first I remember being shocked and then angry,my anger prevailed,I forcefully lifted up my wife and literally slapped her around-something I'm not proud of.I demanded an explanation.She said that she did it out of boredom and negligence on my part.

 

I have to admit that in recent memory I haven't been the best husband,I've been a better provider than I have been a husband but I don't think that what she did was sound and reasonable,I don't think that was a good way to go about a marital problem at all.To my surprise she claimed to share the same opinion so she started apologizing,literally begging me to forgive her.

 

It's been nearly 2 weeks since that happened and we haven't slept together in the same bed nor have we kissed or done anything physical.Speaking of kisses -how am I supposed to kiss my wife ever again knowing what those lips have been wrapped around.That is the main problem here-I can't get over what happened ,it's scarred me for life,It plays in my head every day,on a loop.

 

A couple of days ago I finally decided to sit her down and talk to her about what happened properly.She told me everything,showed me everything.Apparently she met this person on Ashley Maddison-another detail I can't get over.Anyway,she deactivated her account before my eyes,deleted all of his contacts-phone number etc and begged me again.

 

I think I have already forgiven her but that is not the point.The point is that our bond has been damaged so bad I don't think it can be repaired.Even if I ever trusted her again,which would be very hard to achieve , I would always remember what happened in detail and it would always gross me out.At the same time,I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her.Me and her used to fight a lot,we used to break up many times before we got married which made me realize that even 1 day without her is painful enough.

 

With all of that being said,what should I do?Anyone experienced anything like this?Help pls!

[italianjob]

Ahem...

 

She was on Ashley Madison.

 

The probability of you actually catching her the first time she met someone from there (you wrote about contacts in plural) is highly unlikely.

 

It's very likely she has met a number of men and done much more than BJs.

 

You have no kids, frankly, I wouldn't waste any more time with someone that hunts on dating sites while married, but it's your call...

Edited January 29, 2016 by italianjob

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I have already forgiven her but that is not the point.The point is that our bond has been damaged so bad I don't think it can be repaired.

 

The fact that much of your post is inherently contradictory isn't the point.

 

You don't forgive someone in two weeks, they earn it over a period of time. You're about two steps into a miles long journey. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

yep, two weeks in and a LOT more healing to do. Forgiveness shouldn't even be in your vocabulary right now.

You need to be in IC. She needs to be in IC (this means individual counseling). The reasons she gave for doing this are not reasons, they are justifications. She is broken... is she a victim of sexual abuse or a very dysfunctional family by chance?

To do that in your own home is very disrespectful and will be hard to get over.

I caught my husband on top of another woman (not in our house) and had EMDR therapy to get over it. This may help you, whether you stay married or not.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[TX-SC]

Never beat on your spouse. Okay?

 

Reality: This was not the first time and you do NOT know all that she has done. Now keep digging. Have her take a polygraph. Recover deleted text messages and look at all social media. See if she has Snapchat or other apps on her phone. Does she have Skype?

[drifter777]

How horrible for you! I think I would kill my wife with my bare hands if I walked in on what you walked in on. I don't know how or why you are still living with her.

 

Unless you don't care at all about her, your marriage, or catching her with that guys thing in her mouth then there is no way you have forgiven her. You've just agreed not to toss her around the apartment anymore and try to stay civil until you decide what to do.

 

You will never - and I mean NEVER - get the image of her giving oral to that guy out of your mind. It will haunt you and sicken you until you walk out the door for good. You don't have kids so that's a key entanglement you don't have to deal with. Bullet dodged there. Now pack your things and get the hell out of there right now. No contact with her other than at the divorce settlement signing. Harden your heart for a couple months and you will begin to think of her with nothing but contempt and disgust she has earned. Start IC to help you get through this trauma - the worst possible trauma a wife can perpetrate on her husband. You may grow to simple indifference toward her someday; but not today.

[Satu]

The cheats mantra:

 

"I needed xyz, and you didn't give it to me."

 

Now you have heard the truth.

 

The cheat is the victim, and you are a very very bad person...

 

No.

 

People are unfaithful because they want to be.

 

They wanted to do it, so they did.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am sorry you are here...and I know your mind is reeling.

 

Forgiveness sometimes never happens... And it can take a very long time.

 

I think it is easier to forgive when asked for by a person who is deeply repentant for the pain they have caused. Being sorry because you got caught doing something wrong somehow doesn't appease the wounded.

 

I think the betrayed is looking for true sorrow because the wayward caused you pain... Not because they got caught being bad.

 

You are only two weeks out from this horrible trauma. Both of you is probably still in shock. While your mind is reeling with all the questions and the what should I dos... Her mind is reeling with what have I done... Where will I go... Will he leave me...

 

I tend to agree with others... This probably was not the first act of inappropriate behavior. You have to draw your line... And this may be more than you can take.

 

I do agree that therapy is a good idea... Just to help you sort through the emotion and pain you must be feeling.

 

I would not worry about her right now.. I would not concentrate on forgiveness. Just concentrate on you and your getting through this. I think it might be a very good idea to seperate.... Cool down... Talk to a lawyer and get some information. Just really think about you.

 

Once you get your head wrapped around things and have better control.. You can discuss it with her. But since you slapped her around... I really think you need some distance from her.

 

I would hate to see you get into trouble because of her at this point.

 

She is not worth it.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[Bryanp]

Wow. Look at the facts (you need to get tested for STD's at once).

 

1. You caught her giving head to another man.

2. You caught her giving head to another man in YOUR HOME!. This is the ultimate in disrespect and she plays you for an absolute fool.

3. She was on Ashley Madison.

4. I doubt that this was her first rodeo. This was the first time you caught her. It is difficult to imagine that this was only her first time. How do you know she did not have intercourse before you came home? You know she had to be in your bed with him.

 

Her actions show a total disrespect for you and your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. See an attorney at once.

 

She clearly sees you as a fool that she can manipulate. If you stay with her then she will be correct.

[MichaelI]

First of all,I'd like to thank you for your responses.You guys are wonderful!

 

I'm definitely going to divorce her because thanks to your posts I thought to check her laptop,phone and so on.She indeed deactivated her Ashley Maddison account but that was her plan..like....I asked her to reactivate it and I went through her personal messages.It is true-she's been seeing other men too,even sent them inappropriate pictures and videos and texts.She is a whore.Over the last 4 months she's slept with at least 7 men,most of them if not all have been here at home where she finally admitted to have slept with them in our bed which proves that she indeed did much more than BJs.I'm honestly on the verge of a mental breakdown.The only reason why I didn't kick her out was because as soon as I dug up this useful piece of info I left the apartment and went to my parents' so that I wouldn't be alone through these hard times.I'm having suicidal thoughts but I also have a great family and I think that with their help I'll pull through.Maybe I should've kicked her out because I pay the bills,I'm the provider and Come to think of it she got her AM account using my money.I'm such a loser to be honest.I don't even know if I love her any more.In the beginning of our marriage our sex life was great or so I thought...now all of a sudden...this happens...I don't know why,I don't understand it.I didn't expect this from her-a woman who at first glance doesn't look like a cheater at all.

[RySant]

NEVER EVER THINK OF SUICIDE because of one person.

 

Dude, YOU are a great guy. YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO CHEATED. You loved the right way, you are a good provider,YOU worked hard. Don't kill yourself. This world needs more honorable men like you.

 

Advice: Keep your morals and values intact. Don't you ever stop believing in love. It will take time to do so but just don't. YOU know how it feel to be cheated so never ever do it to your next partner. And yes, you WILL have a next partner who is much better, and will be LOYAL to you.

 

No, your life is way too precious to be taken away just because of a wh*re. Again, the world needs guys like you. Please, don't take away your life as you are robbing the right girl for you a right husband in her fate.

Edited January 29, 2016 by RySant

[TX-SC]

A counselor and a lawyer are now your best friends. Find the best ones you can.

 

How is she reacting to all of this?

[MichaelI]

NEVER EVER THINK OF SUICIDE because of one person.

 

Dude, YOU are a great guy. YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO CHEATED. You loved the right way, you are a good provider,YOU worked hard. Don't kill yourself. This world needs more honorable men like you.

 

Advice: Keep your morals and values intact. Don't you ever stop believing in love. It will take time to do so but just don't. YOU know how it feel to be cheated so never ever do it to your next partner. And yes, you WILL have a next partner who is much better, and will be LOYAL to you.

 

No, your life is way too precious to be taken away just because of a wh*re. Again, the world needs guys like you. Please, don't take away your life as you are robbing the right girl for you a right husband in her fate.

 

I won't commit suicide.Thanks for the encouraging words my friend!I really appreciate it.

[Ramius]

Why should you be suicidal? Seriously I am not making light of your pain. But keep this in mind..... Your a great guy. You have morals. You can move on and have a new relationship with someone who will love and respect you properly. Just because she is a sociopathic manipulator who fooled you for a bit, does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Honest decent people get tricked by professional liars everyday.

 

She is the whore. That is who she is. That is what she is. She will have to live with that fact for the rest of her life. If anyone should be depressed its her.

 

My opinion, file and out her to all of your friends and family before she starts spinning a different story to make you look like the bad guy.

[MichaelI]

Why should you be suicidal? Seriously I am not making light of your pain. But keep this in mind..... Your a great guy. You have morals. You can move on and have a new relationship with someone who will love and respect you properly. Just because she is a sociopathic manipulator who fooled you for a bit, does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Honest decent people get tricked by professional liars everyday.

 

She is the whore. That is who she is. That is what she is. She will have to live with that fact for the rest of her life. If anyone should be depressed its her.

 

My opinion, file and out her to all of your friends and family before she starts spinning a different story to make you look like the bad guy.

 

I will divorce her...I don't think I'll ever be able to move on though.I don't even know if I ever want to be in a relationship ever again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't expect this from her-a woman who at first glance doesn't look like a cheater at all.

 

We all wish we knew what a cheater looks like, would save much heartache and aggravation .

 

A counselor and a lawyer are now your best friends. Find the best ones you can.

 

Amen. Don't delay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[higgsboson]

On the topic of giving head, I have something to add.

I caught my wife by stumbling on 2 year old text messages and one explicit text was her AP talking about what a wonderful blowjob she had given him.

 

She never gave me head! That really pissed me off but I looked into it and it isn't uncommon. Apparently women become real sluts when they are involved in an affair and do things they would never do with their husbands.

 

When I read she did that for her POS AP, I demanded it and she actually "gave me head." Does your wife do that for you? I'd make that a deal-breaker if not.

 

As far as slapping her around, the fact is all she needs to do is say you slapped her and you are screwed. I'd get even some other way if I were you.

[aliveagain]

You are not a looser, your only fault is you trusted the woman you are married to, that is not a fault but someone with few to no boundaries will use that information to deceive you. The fact that she brought these men into your home and had sex with them in your bed shows how little respect she actually has for you.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer, move back home and kick her a$$ out until you decide what is best for you. If you know who these me are, have their contact information, expose them as most are probably married, their spouses need to know the risk they are in. Keep copies of everything for your lawyer. You have no children with her, is what you have with her worth the years of work? If the answer is no then take the appropriate legal action to remedy your situation. Watch your finances, protect yourself and make sure you get test for STD's.

[Silveron]

Google the seven stages of grief. It's for when a spouse dies or a situation such as this. I would recommend also going to find a good counselor. Don't let it affect your own self-worth. She did this due to her own mental / emotional issues. You took the damage for what she caused.

[Marc878]

Look up serial Cheater. It'll never stop.

 

Don't waste your life here.

[Buckeye2]

I've been a better provider than I have been a husband

 

Being a good provider is part of being a good husband.

 

She is a whore.

 

Your wife is not a "whore." Whores charge.

 

 

No kids. I agree. RUN!!!!!

Edited January 29, 2016 by Buckeye2

[sidney2718]

On the topic of giving head, I have something to add.

I caught my wife by stumbling on 2 year old text messages and one explicit text was her AP talking about what a wonderful blowjob she had given him.

 

She never gave me head! That really pissed me off but I looked into it and it isn't uncommon. Apparently women become real sluts when they are involved in an affair and do things they would never do with their husbands.

 

That's a fault of modern society. A wife is a virtuous, honorable woman who'd never do anything lewd or degrading. And society has a whole list of acts that are considered lewd or degrading.

 

So a married woman can act in a very modest way, and then, when with an affair partner, have the time of her life.

 

This behavior even has a name. Most call it the "Madonna--Whore Complex".

 

When I read she did that for her POS AP, I demanded it and she actually "gave me head." Does your wife do that for you? I'd make that a deal-breaker if not.

 

As far as slapping her around, the fact is all she needs to do is say you slapped her and you are screwed. I'd get even some other way if I were you.

 

Any physical action is OUT. Don't even think that way. You have other things to think about. Filing for divorce is only one of them.

 

The moral here for all of us is that we really have to work on being able to talk to our spouses about our deepest needs.

[road]

The fact that much of your post is inherently contradictory isn't the point.

 

You don't forgive someone in two weeks, they earn it over a period of time. You're about two steps into a miles long journey. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. Chances are that it was not the 1st time they hooked up or only involved a BJ. Probably she had contacted more men hooked up with them.

 

 

A BH can not forgive without knowing what happened to forgive it. Schedule a polygraph test for your WW.

 

 

Also schedule STD tests for the both of you.

[BuddyX]

Odds are, this is an addiction for her. Even if you're able to tell her to stop, she'll still go underground. Think about, how many addicts stop cold turkey on their first try?

Don't want to be a downer, but Run get out. Whenever she tries to pull you back in, or worst yet try to blame you, you just think about his junk in your wife's mouth.

[RySant]

I will divorce her...I don't think I'll ever be able to move on though.I don't even know if I ever want to be in a relationship ever again.

 

I said this before, the "I will NEVER LOVE AGAIN!" line... give it a few years or so. And your heart will start beating again. Trust me, time heals a lot of things. There will be scars but it will not impede you to love