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Moving on


dollygirl1989

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dollygirl1989

Firstly, thank you for reading this.

 

My story is long and very messy but I will try and keep it as short as possible. I got married to my partner after 9 years together in September 2015. We split up 11 weeks later as I had an affair prior to the wedding and he found out. I am done making excuses and I know I had full control over myself and I still done what I done. I know there is no turning our relationship back around and I am slowly starting to accept that he is gone and gone for good.

 

So the reason I am writing in here is to hopefully get some advice from people who have been through this. It's been 7 weeks and although I feel like I have come a long way in accepting the relationship is over, i cant seem to get over the thought of hurting him the way i have done. We have had very small amount of contract throughout this 7 weeks period upon his request. I want to know if it is possible to forgive yourself for putting someone who was your best friend and partner through this type of pain.

 

How can you get over someone when it was you who caused all the pain.

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Nothing.

 

The only you can do is for you to do better next time. This man will always paint you as the worst possible human being in the world. And you can't blame him for that. You took a lot in his life, and you have no right to retaliate to that. The guilt is yours to live for the rest of your life. And it will never go away as long as you have a conscience.

 

But, that doesn't mean that you can't use that guilt to make better choices. I believe in second chances. Whatever your sins are, whether you are a thief, a liar, a murder, an emotional murderer (aka a cheater), we all deserve a second chance.

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Work on yourself and try to reconcile your feelings.

 

As a BS I wondered too why my H would ever hurt me me. But he did. He was selfish and did something without considering the consequences. So now you know for the next relationship you have. Ask yourself if it is worth jumping off that cliff? Or worth losing someone who you promised to love, cherish and be faithful too? Remember this experience.

 

I don't believe you ever get over it. You just need to grow from your mistake and take accountability.

 

When you are truly in love with someone...that love brings you home. If you can't do that then leave the relationship and spare another heart from breaking. No one deserves that.

 

Good Luck.

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dollygirl1989

Thank you jnel921.

 

I am starting realize this is probably something I will never get over. My Husband was the nicest person in the world. The hardest thing for me now is not losing him, it is knowing that I have hurt him and the thought of him being him being in pain. I know that one day he will be happy again and that we were ultimately not meant to be. We both lost our way in the last year of the relationship, we became bestfriends rather than lovers. The problem was I didn't bother addressing the situation, i just buried my head and went with someone else. I take some comfort in the fact that he said we should never got married under the circumstances as he also believed we had become friends. He has said that he has no hate towards me and hopes that one day we become friends but ultimately I know that can never really happen.

 

Did you leave your husband when he hurt you?

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Have you tried writing him a letter to help him get over the pain?

 

You could give him all of the details of the A so he can have some pieces of the puzzle complete and try to close some of his pain.

 

You could tell him the why it happened, you were selfish, and if it was his fault or not his fault. The relationship was not perfect, but it would not be his fault that you chose to have an A.

 

Tell him your feelings. If you are sorry that you hurt him, then let him know.

 

I hope you have stopped all contact withe the AP.

 

If you want to ease his pain, think about how you would feel if he had an affair.

 

Then what would you want from him to help you heal and give him what you would want. Has he filed for D?

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No to letters, texts or contact. Let the man be for now. Each apology will rehash the event.

Start working on you.

Yes you can move on from this. No, he will never forget this

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dollygirl1989

@harrybrown

 

Thank you

 

I wrote him a letter at the start and we have met up once since it happend. He doesn't want to know details at stage however if he ever did need them for closure ect i would be totally honest. All contact has ceased with A, I dont even like thinking about him as it just brings it all back.

 

I think at the moment any reason I give him sounds like an excuse and tbh even in my own head it sounds like excuse. At the end of the day I did what i did and i can never take it back. All i want now is to be able to move on from it.

 

i Know I will probably never be able to get over the pain i have caused him I just hope it gets easier with time. He hasnt filed for divorce yet however i know he is probably juts trying to sort his own head out before he has to go through all of that.

 

i Know healing takes time.

 

@BuddyX

 

Thank you. There has only been no contact for a maximum for 16days. He tx me again on Monday and prior to that i had started to feel better. There were no hurtful words in the messages or any ill feelings, we have a dog together, well he brought her for me and he has asked if he could see her this weekend. I am also moving to a different city so i let him know that.

NC is the best way to go, i had started to feel better again but after that the feelings just came back again. It juts feels like one step forward and 10 steps back sometimes. Although its nice to hear from him and he told me he is doing ok, i know that best thing is NC from here on out except for the absolute must i.e discussing divorce ect.

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dollygirl1989

Any Threads or articles i have read are for the people who got cheated on or they are about breaks up and the other half was a jerk or abusive. I haven't seen anything that helps the ones who broke the relationship. I guess there are obvious reason for this. However I am hurting to so bad and i understand that i have brought this on myself but that doesnt help me. Is there any one on here that can point me in the right direction of a self help book or articles about people who have come out the otherside?

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There are some threads Sofie2013 and a few others on other sites that show what your probably going through. Sofie had a affair with her Coworker and her husband hired a PI and found out about it. He divorced her quickly. She was fired as a result of her affair. She worked hard for months and months to try to save her marriage but her husband was not going to have any of it. In the end they still talk and co parent but he has moved on.

 

On another site Tears had a one nights stand and told her husband. He left her the same day. She tried and tried for months as well to save her marriage. In the end he moved on as well.

 

Some people cheating is a deal breaker and regardless of what you want you just have to respect your partners choice to move on away from you. To me doing this graciously and with respect is the best way.

 

In both of those womens cases they both entered into counceling and worked harder on themselves then I think most here have.

 

I hope in your case you work on yourself. No one deserves to live a life being miserable. If you don't really dig deep and figure out why you did this then chances are you will repeat this in the future and the next time you will probably hurt more people than just yourself and your spouse.

 

My xW is a serial cheater and she is just one of the three women in my life that has cheated on me. My children suffer to this day over her horrible choices she still continues to make. I hope you never find yourself in this position.

 

I hope you get help. Good for you for at least reckoning this has to start with you.

 

C

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First, I could be wrong, but it sounds like the outcome of this, you two going your separate ways, is probably best for both of you. Is that right? You mentioned that you had become more like friends rather than lovers. If that is true, I want you to at least consider the fact that it is much better for this to be discovered and end now rather than to try to patch this up and reconcile out of guilt and then have it all fall apart after 15 years of marriage and two children. He will be better off and so will you, even if the pain causes you to question that at the moment.

 

Of course you are going to feel bad. It hurts physically in the gut, in the heart, when we know we have betrayed someone we love, when we have caused someone we care for deeply any pain. And sometimes we want to do anything to make it better, even at our own expense. Look, perhaps you subconsciously wanted out of the relationship prior to the wedding, but you just weren't allowing that reality to surface. You cheated, which is obviously a really bad way to handle things, but you didn't do it to try to hurt him. It was selfish, immature, thoughtless, all of the above. But you are not a BAD PERSON. In fact, now that you've been there, you are sick and disgusted and you never want to go there again...right?

 

Guilt can be a healthy emotion. If we listen to it, it's telling us to stop doing something we shouldn't. At this point, you shouldn't have "guilt" anymore, because you aren't cheating. What you now feel is regret and remorse. Remorse can drive you to make amends. In this case, you are not reconciling with your former husband, but that's okay...it sounds like it's best. In fact, don't let it drive you to reconcile if you don't really, really want to. That will only cause a mess down the road. Regret hurts because you can't change the past. But you can learn from it. And as long as he knows that from the depths of your heart, you are sorry for the pain you've caused, then you should begin to pick yourself up, and carve out the woman you know you are deep down. Because how you ACTED is not who you ARE.

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Do not give your husband details or reasons that he doesn't ask for. Let him decide how much information he wants or needs.

 

I'm unsure what you are looking for. It sounds like you are experiencing guilt, not regret. You say things like "ultimately we were not meant to be" as if loyalty or disloyalty to your marriage wasn't up to you but was something left to fate. Also you mentioned your husband hasn't filed for divorce yet but you expect he will when he is ready. However I get the feeling that you don't want your marriage anymore and that you are hoping for divorce but you are not coming out and saying it. You are hoping your husband will make that choice for both of you so that you don't feel bad for being the one to divorce him.

 

If you don't wish to reconcile and want a divorce I hope you are being honest about that with your husband and not leaving him to guess your feelings. I think you just want to be absolved of your guilt and you want to end your marriage with "no hard feelings". I think you should get counselling so that you can address the issues that led you to believe cheating was an acceptable way to deal with your relationship problems. You married him after you cheated on him. Did you even want to get married? I get the feeling that you don't take control of your life or take ownership of your choices but rather you let things happen and then say it wasn't or was meant to be. That kind of passivity is something else you may want to address.

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How can you get over someone when it was you who caused all the pain.

 

You realize that's a unrealistic goal so you set realistic ones. Honor his wishes as far as contact goes. Be a better, honest, more authentic person. Treat others well. Be generous with your time and spirit. Use your hard-won knowledge and experience to counsel others in similar situations. Small steps but they all add up...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Have you tried Affair Recovery? They are online, but have counselors to help.

 

There are books to help.

 

His needs, her needs, and look at the posts on how to help your partner (spouse) recover from your affair.

 

It should be at the very first part of loveshack in the infidelity section.

 

Hope you and your H find a way to decrease the pain.

 

I have to know everything. Too much of a puzzle that I could not figure out without it.

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My H stayed with me but it took awhile to forgive myself. It's not unrealistic to forgive yourself it just takes time. In the end it sounds that it worked out for the both you, with saying that...it still takes time to get over the pain. My A caused hurt for two people, my H & AP...& it felt awful for quite awhile. I went to IC & worked on it, & now I can say I'm 100% over it. Church also helped me tremendously & speaking with my priest on top of IC.

 

You'll get there eventually & you'll be wiser from your experience. Hang in there...

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OP:

 

A person can do a bad thing without being a bad person.

 

But if they do it again, they are standing right on the edge of becoming a bad person, and may have actually become one.

 

Hold that thought.

 

 

Take care.

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You need to let him heal and that will happen at it's own pace. It is healthy for him to have no contact at all with you while he tries to reconcile the whole painful, traumatic mess. He will get to a place of acceptance faster if you are out of the picture. He may forgive you someday but the painful hurt your betrayal caused him will never heal completely. I hope you don't do this to anyone ever again.

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