Think Wife is in Love w Ex

[Neil711]

First time poster. I've been with my wife for 17 years, 12 in marriage. We have 2 children, careers, home, etc. Over the years busy schedules and weight gain (more her) took a toll on our relationship. We didn't really fight, but more or less went through the motions. Just before Christmas I came home to find my wife on the phone with her first love (from about 1998). It turns out they had been instant messaging for about 4 months. According to her they never met in person, although she says he tried to get her to meet him. She explained that she thought she disgusted me, I didn't hold her hand, walk beside her, etc. That I didn't love her anymore. She was depressed, and the attention he paid her made her feel pretty.

 

I felt like I understood. I didn't do the things to show her I loved her, so I changed immediately. I've slept in the bed with her every night since (used to be a coucher), hold her hand, and we've had several mini vacations. Things seem wonderful, and the look in her eyes is like it was when we started dating in 1999. It's been kind of magical.

 

At the same time I felt like I needed to do some snooping to make sure this wasn't a bigger deal. Boy, was that a bad idea. First, a little history. The guy is in the Army, has been married 3 times, and recently beat up his current wife. He contacts her every 4-5 years when one of his marriages ends. My wife seems to have trouble telling him to bug off, and that concerns me. When my wife and I were dating it was taking too long for me to pop the question, and he found out. He asked her to marry him. He also was very controlling, and once tied her up for an hour before she escaped. Their relationship ended because he cheated on her.

 

So my wife deleted the messages, but I did find 3 phone conversations totaling 5.5 hours. I found a poem she wrote that says she loves her family, but needs more, and has a secret that she will never share. There were Google searches during the time they were talking translating "love of mynlife" and such into french. There were also Google searches about loving someone that is married, the darker side of love - being in love with someone you can never be with, secret pages, etc. There were searches on military PTSD, which he blames for beating up his wife.

 

In late October the Army shipped him out to Texas because of what happened to his wife. She had made it sound like he'd been there the entire time. I found this out by accident. Looking at our messeges back and forth she became extremely combative during that time and drank abnormally.

 

Long story short, she at least fell for this guy for a while despite being married. I allowed it to happen because I didn't show her how much I loved her. Things seem to be on track, but I'm not sure if she's just resolved herself to stay with me because we have children, home, I'm stable, etc. or if this truly just a brief infatuation that she's over and I'm "the one".

 

Again though, the spark has been there since 12/20 when I caught her talking to him. The love making sessions since then probably outnumber the previous 8 years. We are going to marriage counseling in an attempt to make sure we don't end up back where we were.

 

Thoughts?

[Satu]

Welcome to LS.

 

 

Not everyone will agree, but this is my opinion:

 

You should try to put the business with the other guy behind you, and concentrate on feeding good feelings into your marriage.

 

Address these issues in therapy.

 

In a certain sense, no marriage is older than a day. They have to be refreshed with an investment of love and commitment every day.

 

Sometimes people forget to do that, and the relationship starves and loses its energy. Attention is a 'food' that we all need. We need to give and receive attention. We need hugs and kisses, we need sweet little surprises from time to time.

 

From your post, I get the feeling that you're a loving man who got complacent, and forgot to express his love.

 

Your wife was out of line - there's no doubt about that.

 

But she can be forgiven for what I would call a 'minor' emotional affair.

 

You can be forgiven for not expressing your love of your wife to her.

 

 

You have the core of what is needed for a happy marriage. You should both invest in that, and make it grow.

 

 

Take care.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Satu

[TX-SC]

First off, yes it sounds like she had an emotional affair and that needs to be addressed. Don't rug sweep it or act like it never happened. Talk about it with her, a LOT. Explain how you feel and really open up to her and encourage her to do the same. Then you both need to invest as much time in marriage couunseling and IC as you can.

 

It sounds to me like you have been emotionally starving her. Cheating is bad, and so is abusing your relationship by not maintaining it. Start having date nights. Sleep side by side. Hold hands. Tell her how much she means to you. Use this as the wake-up call for your marriage that you have been needing.

 

Make sure she cuts all contact with the military guy. She must do that. Then work on being in love again. Yes, it can take time and energy but it'll be fun and very much worth it.

 

Start by reading the Seven Love Languages and take the online quiz.

[sandylee1]

I think it's incredibly honest of you to admit things were bad before and take some ownership of your part. Lots of people say it's 100% on the cheating spouse. ...and while that's true..it's not sensible to realise that certain factors can contribute and lead to infidelity in SOME cases.

 

The ex sounds like a hot mess and I think it's important to concentrate on the here and now..but I sense you need the truth in order to move forward...so you can discuss what you found and ask for an explanation from her.

 

Did they profess love in their messages?

Talk of getting together?

 

If your wife is sensible she'll realise a 3 times married guy who cheats on and beats women is not worth the time of day.

 

If you don't ask her how she feels..you'll always wonder.

[Neil711]

Thanks for the responses. Both are spot on, and yes, it has been a wake up call. We've had several dates, and a quick weekend in the mountains. Things haven't been like this sense the kids were born.

 

And yes, we did emotionally starve each other. I think it had a greater effect on her because she was so beautiful, but gained quite a bit of weight and has felt very down about it for years now. I of course gained weight too, but it's all gone since this happened. 28 LBS lost since 12/28. Unhealthy I know.

 

On a lighter note, she texted me while I was writing this. She and I have always eaten lunch together since our offices are quite close. Today she had a meeting so we had to go alone. She texted me "I miss you, I'm sad. Didn't see you at lunch".

[sandylee1]

Thanks for the responses. Both are spot on, and yes, it has been a wake up call. We've had several dates, and a quick weekend in the mountains. Things haven't been like this sense the kids were born.

 

And yes, we did emotionally starve each other. I think it had a greater effect on her because she was so beautiful, but gained quite a bit of weight and has felt very down about it for years now. I of course gained weight too, but it's all gone since this happened. 28 LBS lost since 12/28. Unhealthy I know.

 

On a lighter note, she texted me while I was writing this. She and I have always eaten lunch together since our offices are quite close. Today she had a meeting so we had to go alone. She texted me "I miss you, I'm sad. Didn't see you at lunch".

 

Sounds as though you guys can come out of this stronger. Never take each other for granted.

[TX-SC]

Thanks for the responses. Both are spot on, and yes, it has been a wake up call. We've had several dates, and a quick weekend in the mountains. Things haven't been like this sense the kids were born.

 

And yes, we did emotionally starve each other. I think it had a greater effect on her because she was so beautiful, but gained quite a bit of weight and has felt very down about it for years now. I of course gained weight too, but it's all gone since this happened. 28 LBS lost since 12/28. Unhealthy I know.

 

On a lighter note, she texted me while I was writing this. She and I have always eaten lunch together since our offices are quite close. Today she had a meeting so we had to go alone. She texted me "I miss you, I'm sad. Didn't see you at lunch".

 

She obviously loves you but needs you to show it. Tell her how beautiful you find her and really mean it. I'm with Sandylee1, I think you are on the right track here. Just don't slip back into your old ways. Keep talking and get this figured out. But again, what she did was wrong and needs to be addressed.

Edited January 28, 2016 by TX-SC

[66Charger]

If you know the answer to the "why" is in your mirror, then I dont know how much addressing the EA you need to do. Sometimes a EA is a wake up call, especially if you know you were lacking. A PA is a different story. It appears she reached way way back for this EA and with a highly unsuitable partner. I wouldnt fear this guy. The only thing he offered her was taking her back to a time when she believed she was beautiful.

 

More than likely, she still is. Take this opportunity to SHOW her that she is. Maybe ask her to marry you again and tell her why you would. Date nights and words are ok, but a huge gesture is not forgotten. Try to remember everything you did to get this woman and do it again. For the rest of your life.

 

You are not competing with the OM, you are competing with yourself. I hope you and your wife enjoy your "second marriage". Go get her and make her eyes sparkle.

[Marc878]

You both need to sit down and read His Needs, Her Needs together.

 

But think of this? During the rough times did you contact an old flame for an EA?

 

Instead of having an EA which sucks the life out of a marriage a good partner will spend that time and effort working on the actual marriage.

[Neil711]

She had to work late, and has been a bit under the weather. I cleaned the bathroom and ran her a bubble bath.

 

I get how to do this. Did it before, but got busy and lost sight. We've talked about what happened, but I haven't told her all I know. It still kills me inside, but I don't want to destroy what's been rebuilt by continuing to talk about it. That's my conundrum.

[Neil711]

You both need to sit down and read His Needs, Her Needs together.

 

But think of this? During the rough times did you contact an old flame for an EA?

 

Instead of having an EA which sucks the life out of a marriage a good partner will spend that time and effort working on the actual marriage.

 

No, never trade messages with old girl friends. The best way to stay out of trouble is to avoid putting yourself into a position where you can get into it.

[TX-SC]

She had to work late, and has been a bit under the weather. I cleaned the bathroom and ran her a bubble bath.

 

I get how to do this. Did it before, but got busy and lost sight. We've talked about what happened, but I haven't told her all I know. It still kills me inside, but I don't want to destroy what's been rebuilt by continuing to talk about it. That's my conundrum.

 

You have to tell her everything you know and you have to talk about it openly. She has to explain exactly how she felt and why she said what she did. You will need to know how she really feels about him and how she plans to make sure it never happens again. This is non-negotiable.

[Marc878]

No, never trade messages with old girl friends. The best way to stay out of trouble is to avoid putting yourself into a position where you can get into it.

 

My point is this. Everyone has troubles at time but most dont resort to cheating.

[66Charger]

Since you say she has a small weight problem, may I suggest you two start going for walks for exercise. Time walk. 30 minutes away from home and 30 minutes back. Spend the first half in silence or with music, and the second half talking. Make a agreement that whatever you talk about during the walk, you will not bring it up when you get home. (Not forever) This may create a "safe" haven for you both. If it does, let it become a staple in your marriage.

 

Or you could spend a few thousand in therapy.

 

A prayer that you will become one of the few good storys here.

[Marc878]

She had to work late, and has been a bit under the weather. I cleaned the bathroom and ran her a bubble bath.

 

I get how to do this. Did it before, but got busy and lost sight. We've talked about what happened, but I haven't told her all I know. It still kills me inside, but I don't want to destroy what's been rebuilt by continuing to talk about it. That's my conundrum.

 

Becoming a doormat will not help. It's very unnattractive to a woman. This is your life and future you have a right to protect it.

 

Being weak and timid at this time will gain you nothing but perhaps more of the same if not worse.

[sandylee1]

If you don't address everything.....it'll keep niggling at you and you may later become resentful.

 

Go out....or stay in if you won't be disturbed. Tell your wife you like how things are improving and want for it to continue....but there's something on your mind you have to get out of the way to continue on this journey...then tell her what you know in a calm voice and ask what you need to.

 

Sometimes things get a bit rough...and those MAY have been what she felt or thought she felt..but it's no longer the case. Remember this guy cheated on her...so that can't be appealing .....

When you feel low..your mind can wander to the past and you begin to think 'what if'. Usually there's always a reason you never ended up with THAT person..and if you were still with them..those issues would still be present.

 

When you guys were distant..... she may have remembered the good times with him.

 

You really do need to talk to her...kudos to you for putting so much effort into reigniting what you had.

[66Charger]

She had to work late, and has been a bit under the weather. I cleaned the bathroom and ran her a bubble bath.

 

I get how to do this. Did it before, but got busy and lost sight. We've talked about what happened, but I haven't told her all I know. It still kills me inside, but I don't want to destroy what's been rebuilt by continuing to talk about it. That's my conundrum.

 

I agree you shouldnt become a doormat, but surely you are able to do both? If she really loves you, she will talk and if you truly love her and wish to rebuild, you will too. Dont fear the truth. If what you are rebuilding is based on a lie, and she wont talk to you, your marriage will fail eventually anyway. Your reasoning is sound and concerns correct. Open up and talk. You have nothing to lose here.

Edited January 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[Neil711]

So we talked last night. She doesn't remember the Google searches and can't really explain them. She had explanations for other things, but it's strange that everything I saw led to a completely different conclusion from her explanations. She did tell me more about their conversations and what they entailed. She understands where I'm coming from, and that what she did was wrong, but is also adamant that it was much more benign than it looks to me. I know she and her mom talked quite a bit during the time, and some of the searches could have been the result of things her mom said. IDK. I do know that she absolutely loves me.

 

She also told me that when they started talking she thought I had fallen out of love with her and would eventually leave. She's always had somewhat of a complex about us. I was popular, good looking, and came from an upper middle class all-american type family. She was a bit dorky, had an abusive/alcoholic father, and they suffered financially and emotionally because of it. In so many ways I had the childhood she wishes she had. She showed me a picture of a couple on facebook, friends of ours, where the husband is significantly better looking than the wife. She pointed it out, and I agreed. Then she said "you know that's what people think about us". Really sad.

 

So, looks like I just need to put this behind me and know that it's unlikely to happen again as long as I don't take her for granted. We both took the 5 languages of love quiz and shared the results. Her biggest "language" is acts of service while mine is physical touch. With 1 child playing travel baseball year around and the other doing competition cheer we were running on empty, and I didn't do a lot to help around the house. So that certainly didn't help her state of mind. At the same time she was feeling down about her body, didn't want to touch or be touched, and physical contact is my biggest "language" by far. In hind sight it's easy to see how we got here. Luckily there wasn't anything that we can't get past.

 

The bubble bath was a big hit. Really big hit. The anniversary of our first date is coming up right after valentine's. We always celebrate it instead of VD. It was our first kiss, and the moment we both knew something big was happening. I appreciate all the responses and advice. I'll set a reminder to update everyone in a few months. Hopefully this turns out well.

[Gigi2015]

I think this challenge is an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Nobody likes to feel invisible in a relationship. Many people start out as simply needing attention in affairs....then it progresses. I think there may have been poor communication of both of your parts....This needs to be addressed. You both need to check in with one another and have honest conversations concerning your needs and expectations. This keeps things from getting out of hand. She also needs to learn to communicate her needs to you. I think you're on the right path. I don't think your a doormat but---without communication patterns can repeat or even intensify.

[TX-SC]

So we talked last night. She doesn't remember the Google searches and can't really explain them. She had explanations for other things, but it's strange that everything I saw led to a completely different conclusion from her explanations. She did tell me more about their conversations and what they entailed. She understands where I'm coming from, and that what she did was wrong, but is also adamant that it was much more benign than it looks to me. I know she and her mom talked quite a bit during the time, and some of the searches could have been the result of things her mom said. IDK. I do know that she absolutely loves me.

 

She also told me that when they started talking she thought I had fallen out of love with her and would eventually leave. She's always had somewhat of a complex about us. I was popular, good looking, and came from an upper middle class all-american type family. She was a bit dorky, had an abusive/alcoholic father, and they suffered financially and emotionally because of it. In so many ways I had the childhood she wishes she had. She showed me a picture of a couple on facebook, friends of ours, where the husband is significantly better looking than the wife. She pointed it out, and I agreed. Then she said "you know that's what people think about us". Really sad.

 

So, looks like I just need to put this behind me and know that it's unlikely to happen again as long as I don't take her for granted. We both took the 5 languages of love quiz and shared the results. Her biggest "language" is acts of service while mine is physical touch. With 1 child playing travel baseball year around and the other doing competition cheer we were running on empty, and I didn't do a lot to help around the house. So that certainly didn't help her state of mind. At the same time she was feeling down about her body, didn't want to touch or be touched, and physical contact is my biggest "language" by far. In hind sight it's easy to see how we got here. Luckily there wasn't anything that we can't get past.

 

The bubble bath was a big hit. Really big hit. The anniversary of our first date is coming up right after valentine's. We always celebrate it instead of VD. It was our first kiss, and the moment we both knew something big was happening. I appreciate all the responses and advice. I'll set a re minder to update everyone in a few months. Hopefully this turns out well.

 

You've got this under control. Congrats to you and good luck for your future!

[Neil711]

I think this challenge is an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Nobody likes to feel invisible in a relationship. Many people start out as simply needing attention in affairs....then it progresses. I think there may have been poor communication of both of your parts....This needs to be addressed. You both need to check in with one another and have honest conversations concerning your needs and expectations. This keeps things from getting out of hand. She also needs to learn to communicate her needs to you. I think you're on the right path. I don't think your a doormat but---without communication patterns can repeat or even intensify.

 

Yes, the marriage counseling and recommended readings should help with communication. She always had a tendency to internalize her feelings, head off to bed when she was angry, etc. When she told the guy to buzz off the message included "I was a complete idiot for not talking to my husband about how lonely I felt and instead reverted to my past". She's made a commitment to me that if she ever starts feeling that way again she'll let me know. We've also put a mechanism in place that gives her a way of telling me without having to bring it up verbally.

 

Still, as I look at the time line of events I have no doubt that she fell for him. It appears to have been fleeting, maybe a month or two, and at some point reality set in and she realized why she was with me and not him. She just didn't know how to start the process of making us right. Maybe I'll send the dude a thank you card in a year.

[TX-SC]

Yes, the marriage counseling and recommended readings should help with communication. She always had a tendency to internalize her feelings, head off to bed when she was angry, etc. When she told the guy to buzz off the message included "I was a complete idiot for not talking to my husband about how lonely I felt and instead reverted to my past". She's made a commitment to me that if she ever starts feeling that way again she'll let me know. We've also put a mechanism in place that gives her a way of telling me without having to bring it up verbally.

 

Still, as I look at the time line of events I have no doubt that she fell for him. It appears to have been fleeting, maybe a month or two, and at some point reality set in and she realized why she was with me and not him. She just didn't know how to start the process of making us right. Maybe I'll send the dude a thank you card in a year.

 

Taunting an unstable, ex-military douchebag? Hell no! Work on your marriage and forget he even exists.

[Marc878]

If you're going to reconcile you need to be strong. Set boundaries for you both. Total transparency to each other.

 

Set aside time together and talk about your marriage once a week. Go over the good and bad. What you're going to do to improve it.

 

Definitely set up a date night once a week so you can come together. Nothing special maybe dinner and a movie, lunch but do it every week.

 

You'll be surprised at the difference.

[malvern99]

Hi Niel, sorry you find yourself in this position. I hate to be the contrarian, but let me ask you this. Were you 100% happy 100% of the time in your marriage? The answer to that is no. Given that, did you try to reconnect with old girlfriends or connect with other women? Why are accepting any blame for your wife's choice to seek emotional support outside your marriage? She chose to do that. You did not. That is a fundamental difference that you should not gloss over. This whole idea that your wife strayed because you failed to do xyz is a fallacy, and you are falling right into the trap. Until you get to the bottom of why she thought what she did was acceptable, you are setting yourself up for failure if you continue to sweep this under rug and try to move on. What will she do in the future if she feels unhappy in her marriage again? Sweeping this under the rug is pretty much giving your tacit approval for her to seek answers outside your marriage.

 

I am of the belief that the only secrets in a marriage should be the good kind. Are you not concerned about the secret she will never reveal? Have you confronted her on that issue yet? Good luck OP, and remember, you are not responsible for she did. She made the choices she made, and in order to move forward in any meaningful way, she must accept 100% responsibility for what she did. Do not set a precedent where her bad behavior can be pinned on you.

[Neil711]

Hi Niel, sorry you find yourself in this position. I hate to be the contrarian, but let me ask you this. Were you 100% happy 100% of the time in your marriage? The answer to that is no. Given that, did you try to reconnect with old girlfriends or connect with other women? Why are accepting any blame for your wife's choice to seek emotional support outside your marriage? She chose to do that. You did not. That is a fundamental difference that you should not gloss over. This whole idea that your wife strayed because you failed to do xyz is a fallacy, and you are falling right into the trap. Until you get to the bottom of why she thought what she did was acceptable, you are setting yourself up for failure if you continue to sweep this under rug and try to move on. What will she do in the future if she feels unhappy in her marriage again? Sweeping this under the rug is pretty much giving your tacit approval for her to seek answers outside your marriage.

 

I am of the belief that the only secrets in a marriage should be the good kind. Are you not concerned about the secret she will never reveal? Have you confronted her on that issue yet? Good luck OP, and remember, you are not responsible for she did. She made the choices she made, and in order to move forward in any meaningful way, she must accept 100% responsibility for what she did. Do not set a precedent where her bad behavior can be pinned on you.

 

Nah, I'm no angel. Look, at the end of the day I was never the dream husband except on paper. She's a runner, cross country in HS. Good at it too. She trained too hard too fast to do the Cooper River Bridge Run last April. She did it, but ended up injuring her foot and having to wear a boot for a month. So there I was, with a wife that was overweight, wearing a boot, and I felt embarrassed. You see, reality is that I deserted her emotionally when she needed me most. I tried to cover it, but she knew. And it hurt her more than she ever hurt me. I have no problem accepting responsibility for that.

 

She knows what happened was wrong. I'm not dumb, and it's not OK for this to happen again. Perhaps we've both learned something, but time will tell. Either way, I'm excited to go along for the ride.