Reconciling Beyond Hysterical Bonding

[GltStrkn]

I had an affair last May and my husband found out after it had ended. He decided he wanted to stay with me and work on our marriage. It has been a few months since d day and we are in a much better place than when he first found out. I believe we can get through this.

 

It was a short-lived affair and I know it was the result of many bad decisions on my part. My husband has been very understanding. We've been going through what has been deemed hysterical bonding. I feel much closer to my husband now but feel like this bonding may not lasts. I wanted to see if any one has any advice for when the hysterical bonding phase ends and the real work begins.

[Chi townD]

Hysterical Bonding is a subconscious, primal and animalistic response from him to "re-claim" what he believes is his. And it should be in NO WAY viewed as an act of reconciliation from him. Do not view it as forgiveness on his end. Because it's not, and he may not even realize what's going on or why he's doing what he's doing. It just is what it is. However, DO NOT reject him while he's in a state of hysterical bonding. If you do, it will only make matters worse for you.

 

 

So, what do you need to do? Your words don't mean a damn thing to him right now. You have to SHOW him through your ACTIONS (and not words) that you are willing to do anything to save what you have with him.

[ladydesigner]

I had started a thread on this if you are interested:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/562980-hysterical-bonding

[road]

HB, on average lasts 6 months.

[Montsan]

Do you love him? Do you believe he loves you?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I had an affair last May and my husband found out after it had ended. He decided he wanted to stay with me and work on our marriage. It has been a few months since d day and we are in a much better place than when he first found out. I believe we can get through this.

 

It was a short-lived affair and I know it was the result of many bad decisions on my part. My husband has been very understanding. We've been going through what has been deemed hysterical bonding. I feel much closer to my husband now but feel like this bonding may not lasts. I wanted to see if any one has any advice for when the hysterical bonding phase ends and the real work begins.

 

I had a very short affair 32 years ago. My husband wanted to stay with me and we have worked on our marriage ever since.

 

I believe if we can get through this...anyone can get through this.

 

I would recommend reading the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda Macdonald....you can download it free on line. It is 95 pages. Both of you should read it.

 

It helped us tremendously....but it doesn't help everyone. You have to be ready to take the steps recommended.

 

The first step in reconciliation is transparency. You must rebuild trust. This means giving him all passwords and accounts....and telling him where you are going. It means becoming an open book to him.

 

I hope you are ready to take the steps necessary to reconciliation. It is difficult....but it can be done.

[M1ke12]

I am just learning what this is and I am experiencing it myself. I hate what I am doing (almost obsessing) and I am trying to keep it in check.

 

don't really know what to do about it.

[R.Gant]

You Go to IC and Then MC with BH

 

BH should go to IC then both of you to MC

[road]

I had a very short affair 32 years ago. My husband wanted to stay with me and we have worked on our marriage ever since.

 

I believe if we can get through this...anyone can get through this.

 

 

 

Not against your recovering but could you reflect on this.

 

 

Would it of been easier to of just divorced.

 

 

Learnt from you mistakes.

 

 

Then start again with a new husband.

 

 

Allowing you to leave the affair in the past then having to deal with it for 35+ years.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I cannot speculate on what could have been or what should have been.

 

I can only relate what I have experienced.

 

I would not undo anything except that i would not have cheated in the first place. That is my regret.

 

Staying with my husband....working on our marriage....loving him more than i ever have ...has been worth it.

 

We will soon celebrate our 44th anniversary.....we are happy....happier and more in love than we have ever been....not because of the infidelity....but in SPITE of it.

 

I will say this....anyone in reconciliation...works on it the rest of their lives. You don't miraculously wake up one day and everything is ok and the infidelity is gone.

 

The scars remain forever....whether you reconcile or divorce. You have to deal with the infidelity....whether you reconcile or divorce. You do not leave the affair in the past....it goes with you the rest of your life.

 

But it doesn't define who you are....it doesn't haunt your every moment....as time goes by it gets better....life gets better......trust gets better......and your relationship gets better. Every relationship...takes work....whether it has been touched by infidelity or not. I do believe that infidelity makes you aware of how important communication is....of not taking each other for granted....of appreciating each other...anytime you almost lose something precious to you....it causes you to rethink things.

[OneLov]

The scars remain forever....whether you reconcile or divorce. You have to deal with the infidelity....whether you reconcile or divorce. You do not leave the affair in the past....it goes with you the rest of your life.

 

^^^^ I think there is a lot of wisdom in this post. Whether or not your relationship continues the scars remain. Divorce is not an analgesic balm. It does not erase the memories. It all remains, the good and the bad.

 

So why not try to reconcile if both parties are willing and able to do the work needed to get a BETTER relationship? I understand relationships where it is impractical nor feasible; however, divorce does not end the pain for either person. Maybe reconciliation is worth trying because the relationship is based in love?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Each individual couple... Each betrayed spouse.. Has to decide what is best for them. Reconciliation is certainly not the answer for everyone... But then divorce is also not necessarily the best answer.

 

For some... Infidelity is a deal breaker... And I truly understand that.

 

I have not one day in the past 32 years wished that we had divorced... I am not saying it has not at times been frustrating... But I never wanted to divorce.

I believe knowing that even though I broke his heart... John still wanted me.. Displayed to me what true love is. It demonstrated to me that I was worth it.

I was a broken woman... But he still thought I was worth it. How then could I not try to help him heal?

 

I did many things wrong... But the one consistency has been...he has my utmost respect and admiration.

 

I was worth it... That says it all to me

[Mr Blunt]

I wanted to see if any one has any advice for when the hysterical bonding phase ends and the real work begins.

 

The real work will begin after the first year or two.

 

 

The real work will become much harder if you or your husband do anything selfish that hurts the other. Getting a plan in the HB period that you both agree upon and then committing to diligently work that plan whether you feel like it or not is a great deterrent to real serious hurts and actions in the future.

 

 

When the HB period ends you will need a plan and guidance to keep the R going.

[drifter777]

You've heard the expression "it's just sex"? Well, HB is just sex and has nothing to do with love or forgiveness.

[M1ke12]

This is the perfect thread for me right now.

 

I am currently experiencing HB and It is kinda weird to say the least. I look up advice online and its always around "the 180" etc which is totally counter to the way I feel right now.

 

Truth be told she is cautiously reciprocating and recognized that my feeling right now will be temporary. Must be intuition because I doubt she knows what HB really is but who knows.

 

I am currently a little scared over what will happen now that I recognize I have HB.....because I did reassure her like 10x that it was within my ability to forgive her. I wouldn't like to go back on my word later on? Truth be told my driving motivators are: She really is my best friend, Evidence that there was a mental lapse, she is getting help, our family has been through soooooo much I am not too surprised that she broke because i did two years ago. (no affair but i certainly wanted to leave)

 

I believe it, especially if I get my wife/ friend back, that we can reconcile. But this HB has me worried, I am almost a text book case. I can almost feel testosterone coursing through my body lol.

[Popsicle]

I don't understand why the HB doesn't last?

[M1ke12]

I don't understand why the HB doesn't last?

 

 

Kinda a guess here but since this morning I already feel mine starting to wane.....already.

 

My wife reassured me to the point where there was little doubt that she was in it to make it work. I am more and more confident that she wont do this again.

 

Also for me, simply learning that this is a natural phase might contribute some.

 

I shouldn't future trip I know but know I am worried that my REAL feelings will emerge and that they will be different then what I feel now.

[GltStrkn]

Do you love him? Do you believe he loves you?

 

I love him. I always have. He says he loves me and can't imagine his life without me even after knowing what I had done.

 

I knew throughout the affair that it was not what I wanted. I tried to end it a few times but always came back. I'm not sure why. Maybe for the thrill or attention? But I didn't truly end it until after I made the biggest mistake of my life. After that day, I ended contact with the OM.

 

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. He was my one and only. We got together and started a family young. I'm not sure what made me decide to do what I did. It could have been a combination of things. I know what I want now. I know where my heart lies and what is truly important to me. My husband says he feels the same way but I can tell this hysterical bonding phase is slowing fading and I am afraid of what his thoughts will be after this phase ends.

[GltStrkn]

This is the perfect thread for me right now.

 

I am currently experiencing HB and It is kinda weird to say the least. I look up advice online and its always around "the 180" etc which is totally counter to the way I feel right now.

 

Truth be told she is cautiously reciprocating and recognized that my feeling right now will be temporary. Must be intuition because I doubt she knows what HB really is but who knows.

 

I am currently a little scared over what will happen now that I recognize I have HB.....because I did reassure her like 10x that it was within my ability to forgive her. I wouldn't like to go back on my word later on? Truth be told my driving motivators are: She really is my best friend, Evidence that there was a mental lapse, she is getting help, our family has been through soooooo much I am not too surprised that she broke because i did two years ago. (no affair but i certainly wanted to leave)

 

I believe it, especially if I get my wife/ friend back, that we can reconcile. But this HB has me worried, I am almost a text book case. I can almost feel testosterone coursing through my body lol.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this with your wife and family. Thank you for responding. It is good to hear your side as a BS. I feel my husband has been responding to the discovery of my affair the same way. Initially, he was depressed and wanted to leave. After a few days he decided he wanted to stay with me and work on our marriage. He said he forgave me and our hysterical bonding began. I, like you, am worried that the HB is hampering with his thoughts and what he truly feels about my infidelity and our marriage will change over time. I'm hoping we continue on our way to reconciling even as HB ends.

 

I hope you are able recover as well. My husband says I don't really know what he's going through, and I don't. But I do want his pain to end and for him to be able to move forward (hopefully, with me). I'm sure your wife feels the same way. We are over 6 months post d day and still working on it. It may take a long time but hoping we both are able to work things out with our spouses.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Each individual couple... Each betrayed spouse.. Has to decide what is best for them. Reconciliation is certainly not the answer for everyone... But then divorce is also not necessarily the best answer.

 

For some... Infidelity is a deal breaker... And I truly understand that.

 

I have not one day in the past 32 years wished that we had divorced... I am not saying it has not at times been frustrating... But I never wanted to divorce.

I believe knowing that even though I broke his heart... John still wanted me.. Displayed to me what true love is. It demonstrated to me that I was worth it.

I was a broken woman... But he still thought I was worth it. How then could I not try to help him heal?

 

I did many things wrong... But the one consistency has been...he has my utmost respect and admiration.

 

I was worth it... That says it all to me

 

Thanks for this post. Mr and Mrs John Adams, your story is both very inspirational as well as very helpful to so many of us. I'm truly grateful for all your insights.

This particular post of yours is very critical for me to understand from a betrayed husband point of view.

Quote: "John still wanted me".

What exactly "spoke to you" that he still wanted you? Were there certain actions that he did or did not do that told you that?

Was it just the fact that he did not walk out of the marriage that told you that?

What is the difference between him still wanting you and him suffering his emotional turmoil of anger, pain and confusion?

When (and if) he suffered any anger, pain or confusion, how did he react and did this ever confuse you about if he did or did not want you?

If it did confuse you, how did you come to the realization that his reactions were just emotional reactions and it did not indicate that he did NOT still want you?

[Naively.Sensitive]

I had an affair last May and my husband found out after it had ended. He decided he wanted to stay with me and work on our marriage. It has been a few months since d day and we are in a much better place than when he first found out. I believe we can get through this.

 

It was a short-lived affair and I know it was the result of many bad decisions on my part. My husband has been very understanding. We've been going through what has been deemed hysterical bonding. I feel much closer to my husband now but feel like this bonding may not lasts. I wanted to see if any one has any advice for when the hysterical bonding phase ends and the real work begins.

 

GltStkn,

 

Firstly, I wanted to express my sorrow towards your husband. Primarily, this is because I can relate more to being in your husband's shoes than your shoes (I'm a betrayed husband).

One aspect I wanted to point out was this.... Hysterical Bonding can also be harmful if there is no realization between the wayward and betrayed about what it is and why it happens.

From my own personal experience I can tell you that my hysterical bonding with my wife lasted for about 3 months, and while I (betrayed husband) felt I was healing much sooner than I feel I am healing now, it seems like my wife (wayward wife), felt like she was being "used".

Basically, the sex had increased between us (for both of our fears of losing each other), and my wife was indulging in my indulgence of wanting to "claim her sexually". Emotionally, I felt like my wife "belonged" to me and that she "owed" me things that would make me feel that she felt like she "belonged to me" and was willing to do "many things to keep me".

Initially, she used sex to "bribe" me into trying to get me to forgive her, later she also probably also felt the "poor husband" emotion, and later, she also felt like she "was willing to do anything I asked" (I asked if we could do some "sex tapes" of us together). I was trying to get over the extreme PTSD I was suffering (and the sex tapes were helping), however, because the affair was so fresh (Just 3 months old), I needed a lot more than what she was offering, by way of support for my emotional trauma. This made her feel that her offering her sexual inhibitions was not really helping me (but the reality is that it was helping me, just not enough to completely heal me in such a short amount of time). It also made her feel that inspite of her offering her sexual inhibitions, that I would "never" heal. This again was just her perception, whereas, I felt the exact opposite. I was confident that I would eventually heal, given all the support she was showing me.

Also, what I was requesting of her (the kinky pictures and sex tapes), is something she had already expressed to me (when we first got married), and so, I felt that it was in line with her "kinky" side. What she explained to me was that when we were first married (the initial years), she felt like a teenager with her hormones at those expected levels, but after 15 years of being married, she did not always necessarily feel so kinky.

 

Anyway, the long and short of it was this.... After the hysterical bonding phase (of 3 months), my wife totally wanted to disconnect with me, and landed up disconnecting for 6 months. This has added a huge layer (another layer on top of the affair) of the feeling of abandonment from my wife, towards me, and I'm worst off today than I was during the hysterical bonding. Our relationship is also worst off.

 

My advice to you is this:

1) During the hysterical bonding, just realize that it may not be what you do in "normal" life. Don't do anything or show any emotions or sexual inhibitions that you would later regret. If you want to be vulnerable, that is all fine, but be of the mindset that YOU are perfectly aware that you cannot later hold the hysterical bonding against your betrayed husband, because if you do, then your relationship is likely to get worse.

2) Be aware of how much effort you are willing to put into the reconciliation and your husband's healing. This is something that only you know and be willing to be open enough to share your true feelings about this with your husband. Hiding in the shadows of trying to do "the minimum" (which may not be enough for your husband) is only going to make your husband feel like you are not being honest about how much you are willing to invest in the relationship and reconciliation.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Naively.Sensitive

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thanks for this post. Mr and Mrs John Adams, your story is both very inspirational as well as very helpful to so many of us. I'm truly grateful for all your insights.

This particular post of yours is very critical for me to understand from a betrayed husband point of view.

Quote: "John still wanted me".

What exactly "spoke to you" that he still wanted you? Were there certain actions that he did or did not do that told you that?

Was it just the fact that he did not walk out of the marriage that told you that?

What is the difference between him still wanting you and him suffering his emotional turmoil of anger, pain and confusion?

When (and if) he suffered any anger, pain or confusion, how did he react and did this ever confuse you about if he did or did not want you?

If it did confuse you, how did you come to the realization that his reactions were just emotional reactions and it did not indicate that he did NOT still want you?

 

When I confessed to John...I immediately said...I understand that you need to do what is best for you. I will leave if you want me to.

His response...I don't want you to leave. I love you.

 

If a man who has just been told that his wife is involved with another man....can look her in the eyes and say I love you.....he is speaking his heart.

 

John has never failed since that day to make sure that I know he loves me and wants me....Besides the fact that he has stood beside me for 32 years....even when i was not showing him the remorse he wanted to see.

 

There were of course times he was angry....

and he would certainly lash out at me

but he would also take me in his arms and tell me I'm sorry babe.....I love you.

 

Infidelity is very much like a death....and there are certain steps that we as human beings experience after a death.

 

The five stages of grief..... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

NS...I want to tell you a little of my mindset at the time of my affair.

I was talking to my mom...and I was crying.....and I said I have two men in my life...and neither one of them wants me.

 

Now you can pick this statement apart and I am absolutely a horrible person....we all already know that. But I want you to look at where I was emotionally. I felt unloved...I felt hopeless....I felt unlovable....I felt helpless...I felt confused.

 

The mindset of a wayward can be one of complete devastation and overwhelming sadness. I realize we caused tremendous pain to our spouse...but we do not go unscathed.

[GltStrkn]

When I confessed to John...I immediately said...I understand that you need to do what is best for you. I will leave if you want me to.

His response...I don't want you to leave. I love you.

 

If a man who has just been told that his wife is involved with another man....can look her in the eyes and say I love you.....he is speaking his heart.

 

John has never failed since that day to make sure that I know he loves me and wants me....Besides the fact that he has stood beside me for 32 years....even when i was not showing him the remorse he wanted to see.

 

There were of course times he was angry....

and he would certainly lash out at me

but he would also take me in his arms and tell me I'm sorry babe.....I love you.

 

Infidelity is very much like a death....and there are certain steps that we as human beings experience after a death.

 

The five stages of grief..... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

NS...I want to tell you a little of my mindset at the time of my affair.

I was talking to my mom...and I was crying.....and I said I have two men in my life...and neither one of them wants me.

 

Now you can pick this statement apart and I am absolutely a horrible person....we all already know that. But I want you to look at where I was emotionally. I felt unloved...I felt hopeless....I felt unlovable....I felt helpless...I felt confused.

 

The mindset of a wayward can be one of complete devastation and overwhelming sadness. I realize we caused tremendous pain to our spouse...but we do not go unscathed.

 

Thank you for your input as a WS. Your experience and insight as a Ws really helps. It is true, we do not go unscathed. I know I have to live with the decision I made for the rest of my life. I'm trying to get over what I've done so that I can help my husband heal as well.

 

Though it saddens me to know that it never truly goes away, that the affair will forever leave a scar, I'm glad to know that we can get through it as others have if we put the work into it.

[GltStrkn]

GltStkn,

 

 

 

Anyway, the long and short of it was this.... After the hysterical bonding phase (of 3 months), my wife totally wanted to disconnect with me, and landed up disconnecting for 6 months. This has added a huge layer (another layer on top of the affair) of the feeling of abandonment from my wife, towards me, and I'm worst off today than I was during the hysterical bonding. Our relationship is also worst off.

 

My advice to you is this:

1) During the hysterical bonding, just realize that it may not be what you do in "normal" life. Don't do anything or show any emotions or sexual inhibitions that you would later regret. If you want to be vulnerable, that is all fine, but be of the mindset that YOU are perfectly aware that you cannot later hold the hysterical bonding against your betrayed husband, because if you do, then your relationship is likely to get worse.

2) Be aware of how much effort you are willing to put into the reconciliation and your husband's healing. This is something that only you know and be willing to be open enough to share your true feelings about this with your husband. Hiding in the shadows of trying to do "the minimum" (which may not be enough for your husband) is only going to make your husband feel like you are not being honest about how much you are willing to invest in the relationship and reconciliation.

 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and that your wife has backed away and is leaving you feeling abandoned. I hope you are able to move forward with your healing, despite your wife's actions. I hope that for your sake, she comes around and understand what you need from her.

 

Thank you for your advice. I am taking it a day at a time. He says he's in it for the long haul and for the most part, I believe him. I am hoping that the HB is not making him feel this way but it is something embedded into his heart. I'm trying to be conscience of his feelings and needs. I don't try to overcompensate for my actions but instead, try to show him how I genuinely feel about him. I am afraid of losing him and he knows that. I think it actually makes him upset when I tell him this. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. I just hope it's enough for him to want to continue to stay in this relationship even when HB ends.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by GltStrkn

I'm not sure what made me decide to do what I did. It could have been a combination of things. I know what I want now

Knowing what you want now and DOING all the things that can strengthen your R is top priority now. Also, what is very important is that you find out the factors that you had that produced your free will choice to betray.

 

 

 

There are tons of information on how you can increase the chances that you and your husband will have a successful R. Get all that information and dedicate yourself to be diligent in doing them long term. Stop worrying about your husband’s slowing down on the HB, that is natural. Put all your energy and actions into doing the right things and replace your worry with faith. That will give you an advantage over your fears and an advantage in the R being successful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by GltStrkn

Though it saddens me to know that it never truly goes away, that the affair will forever leave a scar, I'm glad to know that we can get through it as others have if we put the work into it.

Although I never want to lighten the fact that betrayal leaves a scar forever; just know that we all do not get through life without scars. In addition, you have seen many that have those scars and still have a good marriage and life. Use those scars to motivate you for the rest of your life to make your marriage and life better in other areas.

 

 

 

You may never get the 100% trust back and may have those hurts pop up from time to time but I can tell you that in the years to come the trust can get close to 100% and the hurts a LOT less intense and pop up very rare.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not telling you something that I read in theory, I am telling you what I have experienced in my 20+ years of successful R.